Scoundrels
by fringebenefit
Summary: Williamsburg, Virginia 1781. Ben goes to the tavern with a few friends, and ends up getting into a brawl. Meanwhile, Felicity wonders if she will ever become a proper gentlewoman. Companion piece to The Autumn Maiden.
1. Chapter 1

Ben shifted in his chair and cracked his stiff knuckles, then took his mug of cider and drained the last of it. He wondered if he should get another one.

It was Saturday evening at the King's Head Tavern in Williamsburg, Virginia, in the year 1781. Ben sat beside his good friend Walter, and Walter's cousin, Will. "About time you finished that, Will and I are on our third one already. I didn't take you for a nursemaid, the way you've been nursing that cider." Walter spoke, grinning.

Ben shrugged. "I'll get another. Calm yourselves." He raised his hand to signal to the barmaid, and in doing so, felt a twinge in his side. He had been discharged from the army a year prior after being thrown from a horse. Besides suffering a broken arm, medics told him that he likely had cracked several ribs. The orders came down two weeks later to have him officially discharged, and sent back to his parents' house in Yorktown. To Ben, this was a relief; while he was proud to have served the revolution he so believed in, he had been a soldier for three long years. He spent the next six months recuperating at his parents' house, not doing much of anything at first, then eventually helping around the house, then helping out at one of his father's stores. He was not sure what made him decide to write to the Merrimans to resume his apprenticeship, perhaps it was the way that his parents were looking at him.

The barmaid put another mug of cider in front of him, interrupting his thoughts. He took a sip and re-focused on Will and Walter's conversation.

"…my father will give me some money, I reckon, and I can open up my own workshop. But do you think they have need of a woodworker in Norfolk?"

"Don't know. I suppose if you are skilled enough, you will do fine." Walter replied. "I'm just wondering how much money will be left for me after my sister's wedding. It's going to be huge."

Ben allowed his mind to wander again. His apprenticeship would be over in a year and a half, and like Walter and Will, he should have been thinking about his future. The thought was slightly unsettling. Once, long ago, he would have been thrilled to be done with his apprenticeship, to have his freedom back, to be able to make more money, and to choose where he wanted to live. But truth be told, he was pretty happy to be back in Williamsburg with the Merrimans, working in Edward Merriman's store. Mr. Merriman himself was off helping the Continental Army, so most days he worked beside Felicity. He was grateful that Marcus was with them, as he still had trouble carrying heavy things and would be left with aching sides after a long day of attempts to do so.

"Oi, Pretty Lad! You're not keeping up!"

Ben turned to see Walter and Will both staring at him, and grinned. He raised his mug to them and drank half of it. The previous year had been good for apples, and the cider reflected it. The "pretty" comment lingered in his mind for a moment, and he studied his reflection in a mirror mounted on the wall. As he was growing up, he knew two things. First, his mother was a great beauty, and second, he looked like his mother. His jaw seemed a little too delicate, his cheekbones were too high, and his eyes were large with long lashes. As a final insult, his sister would endlessly tease him about his "girlish" lips. He didn't think much about it until his enlistment, in which the other recruits would tease him, referring to him as the "pretty lass." _At least I'm tall_. And, he thought, _women always seem to give me a second look._

His mind turned to Felicity, as it often did. With Felicity, Ben felt like he had never gone away. They went back to riding together, practicing their whistling (Felicity was fantastic at it), and talking about anything from serious to downright silly issues. He taught her how to swim, while she taught him how to play guitar. Many times they would just sit together while she read and he sketched, just enjoying each other's company. She was his best friend in Williamsburg.

But at the same time, there was no denying things were a little different. Felicity was seventeen now, and often took a leading role in running the household. So, not only was she a skilled shopkeeper, she cooked and served meals, sewed, took care of her younger siblings, and prepared Nan for the same role. Keeping Felicity busy was the wish of Martha Merriman, who saw the attention that her eldest daughter got, both good and bad, and was preoccupied with the fear that Felicity would get an (undeserved) bad reputation. Felicity was not able to leave the house without her mother inspecting her dress, whether it be to work in the store, or simply to go to the garden. Knowing her daughter was fond of nighttime adventures, Felicity's door was rigged to make noise when it swung open. Ben knew it was not Mrs. Merriman's intention to be cruel, or to make her daughter unhappy, but the Merrimans were a proud family and reputation was everything. Felicity understood this, and only asked for one thing: to be able to go riding with Ben, and that was good enough. The thought cheered Ben.

Mrs. Merriman's worries had basis in reality, as Felicity, who after a few awkward years (her words, not his), had become a very lovely young woman. She was tall and slender, with an alabaster complexion, bright green eyes, and long, fiery red hair. A customer once told Felicity that she looked like a faerie from the old Scottish tales, which to Ben, seemed very fitting.

All of these thoughts forced Ben to one final, unpleasant thought.

Joseph.

Joseph was Felicity's suitor. He was not just an apothecary, he was a trained physician. The fact that Felicity was in a courtship did not make any sense, it wasn't part of the script. He was easy enough to forget, as Felicity did not see him all that often and rarely spoke of him when she and Ben were together. But, the thought of him left an uneasy feeling in his stomach. He originally had thought that Edward Merriman was joking when he informed Ben that Felicity was courting, but both he and Felicity's mother, Martha, were quite pleased of this arrangement. Ben was acquainted with Joseph and had no quarrel with him, but there was something off about the man. And in the past, his gut instinct was usually correct. He couldn't for the life of him imagine spritely Lissie, his partner in crime, marrying and settling down. "Why Joseph?" He remembered asking Felicity a few times. The response he always received was "He is taller than me, and Mother and Father like him."

It was an unfortunate coincidence that Joseph was, in fact, sitting across the tavern with five of his friends, engaged in a card game. Ben purposefully avoided looking over, and turned back to Walter and Will. They were silent for the moment, then Walter asked him, "What about you, Ben? Any plans for when your apprenticeship is finished? You've been quiet tonight."

Ben heaved a sigh, suddenly feeling melancholy. "I don't know. I feel like the war took away all of my ambitions. I suppose I'll go back to Yorktown to see what my options are. It is possible that I may take over one of my families' stores, then decide from there. Who knows? Perhaps I do not want to be a shopkeeper anymore."

Will ignored Ben's last admission. "You recently returned from Yorktown, did you not? Why did you not just remain there?"

"I still had two years of my apprenticeship to keep, and I promised Mr. Merriman that I would return to serve out my time." Ben raised his mug of ale to the both of them, a wry half-smile on his face, and drank it down. He continued, "Mr. Merriman probably would have released me if I had asked; when we made the agreement I don't believe that he thought there would be a war, much less one that would last for years. I feel it was the right thing to do since he was always so patient with me. That, and I felt like it was time to leave Yorktown. My parents were getting that impatient look upon their faces, you are both probably familiar with it, you know the one that silently suggests that I should stop lying about the house and complaining about my ribs, and find a job, a house, a riding carriage, a girl…." He trailed off, missing the look exchanged between Walter and Will.

Walter spoke up. "Are…" he paused, searching for the word, "Are you going to be sad tonight? Perhaps we should talk about something different."

Ben ignored him, as he heard Felicity's name in conversation across the room. Joseph and his friends were still playing cards, but much of their attention was on the conversation.

"….she borrows my books without asking. I think that's actually stealing, but what do I know? She is always telling me that I know nothing."

Ben smiled, remembering the time when he walked into the Merriman house and saw Elizabeth sitting on Felicity's lap, giggling over what he later learned was a copy of the groundbreaking Grey's Anatomy. Upon seeing him, Elizabeth's face had rapidly drained of all color, and she leapt up with a squeal, "Felicity! You said no one would be home until evening!"

Felicity calmly replied "Calm yourself Elizabeth, 'tis just Ben. He won't tell anyone. He probably does not care either." She looked straight at Ben, a half-smile quirking on her lips.

Ben looked over at the book, and realized it was open to what looked to be a very detailed diagram of a longitudinal section of male genitalia. His instinct was to positively flee the room, but Felicity's satisfied expression and comments were too much. It was almost like she was challenging him. Hell, she was! He stared back, and smirked when he noticed that she was blushing a little. "Getting an education ladies? What will your mothers' say about this?"

"Noooo, you wouldn't!" Wailed Elizabeth, wringing her hands.

Felicity coolly replied, "My mother knows that I'll be learning about this sooner or later. Particularly sooner if she has her wish."

Ben's smile faded when he remembered the seemingly resigned, bitter look in Felicity's eyes when she said this, and the implications behind the statement. Across the room, the conversation was taking a different turn. Ben noticed that Walter and Will had stopped to listen in.

"She does not have the patience for cleaning or sewing, and gets into arguments about, well," Joseph paused, searching for the words, "anything and everything! I often find myself wondering if she enjoys raising my temper."

 _I'm sure she does_ Ben thought, amused.

Joseph continued, "The other day I asked her to sing and play guitar while I studied, and she began with Nightingale, but then changed into a bawdy sailor's tune! It's just one thing after another!" He shook his head.

"Your mother and father like her." One of the other lads commented. Ben did not know this man's name, but noted that he always wore the same garish green vest.

Joseph snorted, "Of course they do. She turns on the perfect gentlewoman act in their presence and fools them all. But once they are gone, she is barefoot, ranting about women's rights and abolitionist views, or she is out riding, most likely astride. I don't know what kind of wife she will be, how will she teach our daughters to behave? The other day I was going through her handbag, I found a copy of _Les Liaisons Dangerouses_! I keep telling her to mind her behavior, but she doesn't seem to understand. It's always to hell with everyone when it comes to Felicity. In fact, she begged to come with me tonight, here to the tavern!"

Ben had never heard Joseph talk about Felicity, and did not like it. He knew now that his instinct about the man was correct. He was aware that there was some kind of unspoken rule, or code that men could complain in the tavern about women in confidence, but Ben at this moment felt no allegiance towards Joseph, only a growing sense of anger. Walter, who did not know any of this about Felicity, looked a little surprised. Yet, he made eye contact with Ben, and nodded.

"It sounds like you want to be shot of her." commented Green Vest, one eyebrow raised.

Joseph caught himself, and shook his head. "No, no, that's not true at all. She is my girl, and she is so beautiful. I just have to be more insistent. After all, I did convince her to court me." He grinned, all of his previous complaints seemingly forgotten.

"Arrogant prat." Ben muttered. Walter rolled his eyes.

The weasely-looking man in the group spoke for the first time. "Naw, this is what I think. It doesn't matter who their parents are and how they are brought up to be, some women just want to be tumbled."

Joseph shrugged noncommittally. The Weasel continued, "Come on, you know it. Just let me kiss her."

Ben stood up. His mind spun, and he didn't know if it was from that second mug of cider that was suddenly gone, or rage. He pointed at the Weasel, "Watch yourself, that's my Master's daughter, and my good friend that you are speaking so rudely about." Walter stood up next to him, and Ben smirked, continuing "Besides, she towers over you, you are such are short, squat little man."

Joseph at least had the decency to look abashed at his behavior. "Davidson." He acknowledged, "I was wondering when you would join us. Come sit down." There had been several attempts by Joseph to be friendly with Ben since he was close to Felicity, but Ben had never warmed up to him.

Ben did not move. Nor did he break eye contact with Joseph, who started to look uneasy. "Look, Davidson, I..."

The Weasel cut him off, and stood up. "Don't worry about Davidson. He comes back after years of being away, and finds the girl that used to be like his little sister, looking like a forest Venus de Milo nymph! I'm sure that his mind, not to mention other parts of him are just really, very confused."

By this point, the barmaids were listening in. Ben narrowed his eyes, and clenched his fists, feeling his fingernails digging into his palm. Walter touched his arm. The tavern owner spoke up, using her most commanding voice. "Lads, if you're going to have it out, please leave, or you will be thrown out and banned."

The Weasel stood up too, but walked around Ben, and up to the counter. "Don't worry about me Madam, I just would like another rum. And perhaps one for this pretty lass here." He swiftly pulled out a pocket knife and cut through Ben's hair tie. "I just love the way your hair frames your pretty, pretty face."

Surprised, Ben shoved the Weasel away, and received a not-so-powerful punch from an unknown person. He put a hand to his face and turned in the direction of the source, just in time to see Walter gather the man into a headlock and pull him away. Meanwhile, Will had wrestled Joseph, down, who was yelling at everyone to stop. Ben snapped his attention back to the Weasel, who charged at him and grabbed his collar, making a ridiculous attempt to throw Ben, but only succeeded in ripping his shirt. Ben barked a laugh at the absurdity of this, and wound up to take a swing. The Weasel ducked low, and moving with surprising speed, tackled Ben, who felt a sharp pain in his still-fragile ribcage upon hitting the floor.

"Out! Out! All of ye! Never come back! Or I call the guard!"

Will pulled Ben up, who shook him off and stalked out. He half-expected the Weasel to jump him again, but didn't care. Something was gnawing at his insides, and perhaps being beaten bloody might help. His ribs ached with every breath, taking him back to those days lying in the infirmary as he waited to be transported back to Yorktown. Walter caught up to him, looking frazzled and strangely excited, but unhurt. "That was pretty pathetic. I overheard the barmaids calling us a bunch of ninnies, and that it was the worst fight they had ever seen." He laughed and put on a thick Scottish accent. "I guess we are No True Scotsmen!"

Ben forced a smile. "Thanks for having my back in there."

"Anytime." Walter replied. The two men went their separate ways into the balmy night.

Felicity sat perched on the roof, feeling the occasional breeze breaking through the humid air. She pulled up her nightdress to her knees so that she could feel the night air on her legs. It was a clear night; the full moon above her illuminating the city. Felicity felt like she could see for miles up here, and was grateful for Ben for fixing her door so that it would not make so much noise. Now, she could sneak up here for some nighttime air when she could not sleep.

These days, insomnia was common. Felicity was stressed out. She was dealing with housework, assisting Ben and Marcus in her father's store, helping her mother and Nan care for William and Polly, taking care of Penny and Patriot, keeping companionship with Elizabeth, keeping companionship with Ben, and seeing her suitor, Joseph, whenever she could.

The last two obligations went together like oil and water, as any mention or knowledge of Joseph put Ben in a foul mood. When Felicity asked him about it, Ben simply said that he never liked the man. With this limited information, Felicity just tried to keep her courtship under wraps, avoiding any mention of Joseph around Ben, and keeping her answers simple and/or changing the subject on the rare occasion that Ben asked about him. She had become good at this, and it was likely Ben's perception that she rarely spent time with Joseph. Still, she didn't know how long she could keep this up.

 _Perhaps I should lose both of them, and devote all my time to Elizabeth!_ Felicity thought. She took a bite of a rose oil cake, feeling a bit of pride in how delicious they were. Joseph had asked her to make them. The recipe had yielded so many that she had divided them between her family and the Coles, and had left Ben a few in his room above the stables. The remainder was supposed to go to Joseph, although now Felicity sat on the roof, eating what was supposed to be his share. She made a mental note to leave him at least five. _Or_ , she thought, _maybe I won't after all_. Truth was, she was a little salty towards him. She had gone out on a limb to ask him to take her to the tavern. In turn, he had laughed at first, thinking that she was joking, then had given her a lecture about recognizing what is proper behavior for a lady. It was all very silly, women were not disallowed from the tavern, and in fact, the tavern was actually owned by a woman!

"What is wrong with you? And what am I going to do with you?" He had asked in exasperation.

These two questions were commonly asked by Joseph, and they grated Felicity to the core. She knew that despite years of trying, she was not up to society's standards of what a gentlewoman should be, and everyone let her know that this was a personal shortcoming. Her mother was always going on and on about how lucky she was to have Joseph, a physician, as a suitor. There would likely not be any more chances for societal redemption if she were to lose the courtship.

" _What am I going to do with you?"_ This question had once been fun, as if Felicity were an adorable mischievous kitten, but as the months wore on it took on a more serious, patronizing undertone.

 _"What is wrong with you?"_

 _"What am I going to do with you?"_

These questions echoed in Felicity's mind. She closed her eyes and leaned against the chimney. _I can be better, do better. I'll make Mother and Father happy. I'll make Joseph happy. They all love me dearly and it's the least I can do. Joseph is a good, kind, intelligent man, one that I don't tower over. He has such a warm smile, and is very kind to his patients._

 _I'm very lucky._

Felicity's thoughts were interrupted by the sound of the gate opening, and closing. It was Ben! She gave a short whistle, and he looked up, nodded in acknowledgement, and continued to the loft.

 _Not even a hello_? Confused, she scrambled down the ladder that she had conveniently placed some time ago, then hiked up her nightdress so she could properly run after him.

"Ben!" she hissed, "Wait!"

He turned around, and Felicity noticed how disheveled he looked. His shirt was torn, exposing his left breast, his hair was unbound and hung around his face, and even in the moonlight, Felicity could see a bit of redness on his right cheekbone.

He spoke. "Felicity, if you want to go to the tavern, I'll take you to the tavern."

That was an odd greeting. "Good evening to you too." Felicity studied Ben's face to try and understand the meaning of what he just said. "If that is where you just came from, looking all a mess, maybe I'm thinking twice about it."

He didn't look angry, or even unhappy. Maybe a little exasperated?

Felicity decided to ask the obvious question. "What happened to you?"

"Small scuffle at the tavern." Ben studied his feet as one would do from embarrassment, although Felicity got no sense that Ben was ashamed of something.

"Obviously…" she replied slowly, and waited for Ben to elaborate, but he did not. Felicity knew that something was up, and he wasn't going to bother to tell her.

 _Fine then_. "I made a batch of rose oil cakes, and left a few in your loft. I know you like them. Goodnight." She turned as if to go back to the house, and mentally counted to three.

 _One….two_ … "Lissie, wait."

She smiled to herself, and turned around. "Yes, what?"

"Is that what you did tonight?" Ben looked slightly embarrassed at his dismissive attitude.

"Yes, I did. And it was amazing! Thank you so much for taking interest in my boring life!" Felicity replied sarcastically.

Ben smiled slightly. "Thank you. And I apologize for my rudeness. 'Twas not my intention."

Felicity decided to prod him a bit, and knew exactly how to do it. "No trouble at all. Joseph asked if I would make them, and the recipe usually yields so many so I have plenty to give away."

As expected, Ben tensed up. "Did you enjoy that? Making rose oil cakes for Joseph? While he was at the tavern?"

Felicity shrugged and agreed, pretending to not have noticed any sentiment behind that statement. She studied Ben, and felt her eyes drift down to his open shirt. He was lanky, but had defined pectoral muscles. She imagined that he had strong shoulders, and a broad, muscular back…

"Felicity! Would you please stop staring at my chest?" Ben looked angry now, and Felicity realized that he had been talking to her. He continued, "What's wrong with you?"

Those words bored into Felicity's mind, as if they lit a fuse. "What did you say to me? What's wrong with me? There is nothing wrong with me!" She snapped. "Hypocrite! You look at my chest plenty! I've seen you!"

Ben jerked his head away, then looked at her again. "Felicity, what are you doing?"

Felicity had tried to stay neutral, but felt her temper rising. "What do you mean? You storm in here, apparently after fighting at the tavern, and dismiss me? What is wrong with you?" It felt good to ask that question. "Why are you being so peevish?"

Ben sighed, seemingly calmed down. "I overheard Joseph complaining about you at the tavern. You steal his books, start arguments. He worries that if you two were to marry, you would not be a proper wife. Lissie, did you ask to go to the tavern?"

None of this was surprising to Felicity. "Aye. He was angry that I asked, and we had a row. Then he apologized, petted me on the head, and told me I could do better to work on my behavior."

Ben stared at her. "Is this what you want? To do better?"

"Aye." Felicity replied quietly. "We are adults now Ben. I can't go rushing around to everything like I used to, and your time of playing soldier is done."

Ben watched her for a moment more, before speaking. "You're right. Prior to leaving Yorktown to return here, my parents were asking me about finding a girl. Maybe I ought to do that, and think about my life beyond Williamsburg."

Felicity felt her stomach drop at this statement. "Do…do you have anyone in mind?"

"No, not really." Ben admitted. The tight feeling in Felicity's throat released, and she felt guilty of its presence.

"Did Joseph seem to want to be shot of me?" She dreaded the answer. If she lost Joseph's favor, Mother and Father would be so disappointed, she could just see the look on Mother's face….

"No." Ben said, with some disgust. "He said that you were his girl, and that he would continue to work on you."

"Good." Felicity was relieved. Not all was lost.

Ben continued, "Lissie, may I ask you something?" He did not wait for an answer. "Will Joseph ask you for your hand soon?"

"I'm not sure. Nan says she overheard him discussing it with Father, but you know how she is. They were probably just talking about the weather."

Ben looked at his feet. "If he does, will you agree?"

"Aye, I imagine so." Felicity said quietly. Ben looked up sharply, and Felicity caught the unmistakable look of betrayal on his face. "Ben! We have to grow up! I'm a girl, and girls get married! I have to!" She felt a lump in her throat, surprised at its presence.

"Lissie," Ben looked incredibly sad at her outburst, "You don't love him. Please do not go rushing off to marry him, like you rush off to so many things."

Felicity felt her temper rise again. "All my life, people have been telling me not to rush into things. Perhaps I'm not rushing into things, so much as rushing away from things! Look at my life! I'm trapped here! Mother keeps me locked in here, as I go from the house to the store to the house again! I'm piled with cooking and cleaning and sewing…I have to ask permission to do everything…" She was shaking, "When I get married, perhaps I'll have some semblance of control over my own life!

Ben stated, equally angry "And do you think that Joseph…"

Felicity cut him off "I can handle Joseph! Besides, what do I have left? I'm a poor excuse for a gentlewoman, and everyone in town either already knows it or will soon find out! Who will love me then?" Tears spilled down her face. She didn't mean to have this conversation, to make these confessions. She should have known that Ben could coax her into saying these things.

Ben once again looked incredibly sad at her admission. He spoke up. "I will love you."

Felicity snapped her head up, startled. "What did you say to me?"

Ben did not break eye contact, "Is there a word that you did not understand?"

Felicity stared at him. "Are you daft? I'm your little sister, your best little friend in the world." She stated, bitterness seeping through. "You don't love me. You left to go off and play soldier and you never wrote to me! Not once! You said you would and you never did! You wrote to Mother and Father so I knew you were alive, but never once to me!" She pointed an accusatory finger at him. "If you truly loved me, you would have written to me! But you did not!" She repeated "You don't love me, and-"

Ben cut in with a roar, "You are the only thing that I love!" He stepped toward her, and Felicity noticed that his eyes were shining. She glanced uneasily at the house, hoping that his outburst did not wake anyone.

He continued, "My service to your father will be ending soon, and I'll be leaving. I'll welcome it; the sooner, the better. I have to get out of here. Felicity, 'Lissie, I love spending time with you. I can forget everything…everything that's happened. The war, my sister, Joseph, everything!"

"Joseph isn't a bad guy." Felicity crossed her arms.

"He is!" Ben replied emphatically, "Look what he is doing to you! You will never be happy with him! Do you love him?"

Felicity chose her words carefully. "He is a good match."

"Do you love him? Answer my question, Lissie!"

Felicity snapped back, "Don't tell me what to do! No." She shook her head. In a way it felt good to admit this out loud. "No I do not love him. Maybe at one point I was infatuated with him, so maybe I could be again? But none of this matters. Who has love marriages anyways?"

"My parents did." Proclaimed Ben. "They make each other so happy, I'm afraid that I have developed an unrealistic ideal of what a good marriage is. My mother has told me in so many terms that I should also marry for love, and no other reason. But at these circumstances, I fear that it will never happen for me. I don't…I can't…" He trailed off, then started again. "Lissie, if you marry Joseph, he will try to change who you are. Are you okay with that?" He did not wait for an answer. "I know you! I've known you for years. I know what you like and don't like, I know your secrets… I have to leave! If I stay, I'll have to watch you be dragged off, like a prisoner to a life you will hate. And you will die slowly, unhappily, as the gentlewoman housewife you don't want to be…and…and..." Ben choked up, inhaled sharply, then gasped and clutched his side, forcing the words out "and I'll….I'll be hanged! If I have to sit here and watch!"

Felicity stared at him. He looked half-crazed, illuminated by the moonlight. He was doubled over and clutching his side, but still keeping eye contact with her. His hair hung over his face, but did not hide his red-rimmed eyes. A small bruise was definitely forming on one cheek, and his torn shirt hung off one shoulder. She had never seen him in such a sorry state, and felt several emotions, disbelief, anger, sadness, and a bit of surprise, but decided to push them all away. He had confused her and made her emotional before, years ago, so she figured that turnabout was fair play. She forced herself to show calm, and once again crossed her arms in front of her chest.

"Are you quite done yet?" She knew this was cold, but couldn't help herself. Ben looked away, saying nothing. She continued. "So what would you have me do? Let's pretend you are sweet Lissie, and I am Ben. What is your next decision?"

Ben stood up taller, composing himself, but still held a hand over his side. "If I were you, Lissie, and you were I, Ben? That's easy. I would call off my courtship with that prat Joseph, and enter a courtship with you, Ben." He spoke with the bravado of a man who had nothing to lose.

Felicity decided she had nothing to lose at this point, either. "If you indeed love me, you should kiss me." In her mind this was not a shocking request. She had kissed him once before, at a brief reunion during Publick Times. Ben's company was passing through Williamsburg for the day, and Felicity was play-acting at the fair. She had kissed him for the purpose of making Annabelle jealous, and Ben probably had not taken kindly to being used. They had not spoken about it since that night.

Felicity caught a hint of a smile on Ben as he started to walk toward her. Then suddenly, unexpectedly, he paused, and a suspicious look passed over his face. "If I did kiss you, what then? Will you again tell me that it means nothing to you? Just anything to make your nemesis angry?"

Felicity had an idea that he would make this point. Ben was a proud man, after all. She forced herself to still remain calm, and stated "No, I won't. It will prove to me that you love me. I will break it off with Joseph. I'll likely be labeled a scoundrel, but I suppose that was inevitable. As for you, you will definitely be labeled a scoundrel, for stealing me away." She smiled wryly.

Seemingly satisfied, Ben closed the gap between them, paused, and touched her cheek. He lifted her chin up, then pressed his lips to hers. The kiss only lasted a moment before Ben pulled away shyly, then stared at Felicity. She studied his eyes. He was looking at her in a way that she had never seen before. In a way, he almost looked vulnerable, like he was pleading with her. She reached out and brushed several strands of his hair back, then ran her fingers down in cheek. In response, he closed his eyes and leaned into her hand. She noted how his disheveled state made him look even more handsome, and traced her fingers down his neck, and over his bare shoulder before pulling away, surprised at her own boldness.

Ben opened his eyes and broke the silence, clearing this throat. "Lissie, how do you feel about me? Do you lo.., er, do you have feelings for me?" Even in the darkness Felicity could sense that he was fiercely blushing. She opened her mouth to speak, but Ben cut her off, "Never mind that now, it's too much to ask of you tonight. Please think about everything I said here. In case there is any question about it, I meant every word. Tomorrow we will talk again." He smiled at her. "Just in case there is any question about this too, I think that you are beautiful, and I have for a long while."

Felicity smiled, feeling giddy warmth spread through her body. There was one more issue that she had, a very important one. It had been on her mind for years, and she wasn't going to let Ben walk away without a mention. "Ben, there is something that I feel you are obligated to do for me before I will agree to court you."

Ben looked a little surprised. "Oh? And what would that be? I'll do anything, short of murder." He thought for a moment, then grinned. "Actually, I'm not ruling murder out, but I do have a No Women, No Children rule. Did you want me to dispose of a soon to be ex-suitor that might go around making accusations about us? Perhaps a few of his rotten friends?"

Felicity laughed, then caught herself and forced a stern look. "I'm serious about this Ben. You promised to write letters to me. I reckon you never did and I consider that to be a great affront. I will in time get over this, but I figure that you owe me letters. So," She pointed at him for emphasis, "I will only accept you as a suitor if you write letters to me first."

Ben shuffled his feet, thinking, "Lissie," He said slowly, "I did write letters to you, many letters. I often traded food for ink and paper so I could keep writing. Do you realize what it is like to be hungry, yet still give away food so that I could write to you?"

Felicity stared at him. "I did not receive any letters. Were they lost perhaps?"

Ben looked at his feet. "I did not send them. I promised to write to you. I did not promise to send them."

Felicity watched him in disbelief. "Benjamin Davidson! I'm rethinking everything I have said to you in the last five minutes! Are you being truthful? Why did you not send them? Those are my letters! Do you still have them? Give them to me right now!" She demanded shrilly.

Ben looked at the sky, "I still have them. I couldn't bring myself to send them. I don't know why. Perhaps I was never sure how you felt about me. I was confused. Anyways, I figured you would get them if I were to be lost. Now I suppose it's only right to give them to you. Some of them, I admit, are not very nice. But I'll give those to you too, and write even more, if you would be mine.

Felicity smiled, satisfied. "I look forward to reading them. All of them."

Ben spoke, "Do you really think we will be labeled as scoundrels?"

Felicity sighed. "I think it was inevitable. What am I going to do with you? What am I going to do with myself?"

Ben smiled, saying nothing.

Authors Notes:

1) I sometimes borrow little snippets of dialogue I have heard. You might recognize a line or two from Game of Thrones, and Little Women (the 1994 film)

2) Dates may not be accurate. Les Liasons Dangerouses would not be published for a few more years, and Grey's Anatomy for several decades.


	2. Chapter 2

Author's notes: I was originally going to keep this as a one-shot, but there's always more to write!

Chapter Summary: Felicity decides to play a game, and completely manages to victimize Ben.

Ben sighed and relaxed into his bath, leaning his head back against the edge of the tub. Normally, the water would be a little too hot, but on this occasion the high temperature felt soothing on his tense muscles. He heard a noise approaching his bedroom door, and lazily turned his head in time to watch the knob turn, and the door swing open. Felicity poked her head in, grinning at him. "May I come in?"

Ben smiled, fully relaxed. "Of course Lissie. Tell me a story?"

She closed the door behind herself, walked over and knelt next to the tub, placing her hand over his. "Think you have enough bubbles? You might get lost in there if you aren't careful."

Ben closed his eyes. "My mother always insisted that hot water and lots of suds was the key to good healing. Now, story please? I'm injured and I demand it."

Felicity laughed, emitting a clear, musical tone that was very different than the playful giggling that he commonly heard when she was a child. "I shan't refuse you, Mr. Davidson. But first, give me your arm. I want to see how it is healing."

"That would be far too much effort right now." Ben replied. "I'm not moving. You'll have to find it." He opened his eyes and looked at her.

Felicity shook her head resignedly, and reached into the tub. She easily found his arm, and kneaded the muscle with her fingertips underneath the surface. "Does this hurt?"

Ben considered the sensation. "No, it feels nice." He closed his eyes again. "Now, how about my story?"

"Be patient." Felicity said, digging her fingers in harder. "How does it feel now?"

Ben swept away some bubbles with his free arm so he could see. "Hmmm…perhaps a little numb."

"I think it has not healed completely. Let me try something." Felicity held his wrist with one hand, then placed her other palm on his forearm, fingers outstretched. She tightened her grip on his wrist, then dug her fingernails into his skin.

"Hey!" Ben protested, trying to jerk his arm away. Felicity was surprisingly strong. She continued to hold tight. He looked down in shock as her fingers burrowed underneath his skin, and her hand tugged upward on the bone towards his shoulder, as if she was easily putting her hand up the sleeve of a shirt. Ben realized that there was no pain, only a slight pressure as her hand went deeper. He looked up at her face, and was stunned to see that it was not Felicity staring back at him; she had transformed into a bird-like creature. He made a desperate attempt to grab her wrist and pull it away, realizing that it had also morphed into long talons. She pulled her claws out of his arm, and immediately slipped them into his chest as easily as if he were bread dough. She grasped his rib, and with a mighty CRACK, pulled it free.

Ben gasped in pain, and opened his eyes. He was no longer in his childhood bedroom, and there was no Felicity, nor Bird Creature Felicity present. He was up in his loft above the Merrimans' stable. He blinked, trying to clear his head at the absurd dream, and noted with dismay that he was completely covered in sweat and tangled in a mass of quilts and woolen blankets. He kicked them off, and felt his ribs gingerly. They were extremely sore. He sighed, wondering why they were so poorly.

Then, it all came back to him.

Joseph running his mouth.

The bar fight.

Arguing with Felicity.

His foolish, embarrassing admission.

The kiss.

 _Oh no…._

He rolled over to bury his face in his pillow and held fast, as if he could smother all of the occurrences of the previous night away. His lungs burned a moment later, and he was forced to take a breath. This sent another jolt of pain through his ribs, as if they were reminding him that everything that had happened, everything that he had said could not be unsaid.

What was that proverb that Nan was always repeating towards her siblings? Oh yes. He imagined her saying them. _Think 'ere before you speak, for Words, once flown, Once utter'd, are no more your own._

At that moment, the rooster began to crow. He had to get up, get dressed, and join the Merrimans at breakfast. He swallowed, and realized that he had in fact needed to say all of those things. This was done, and he would have to face it. _After all_ , he reasoned, _I've faced things that were much, much worse._

He splashed water from the basin on his face, and changed out of his nightshirt, pulling on his breeches and tunic. He pulled on his socks and shoes, tied his hair back, then left his room and headed towards the house.

Inside the Merriman house, Felicity, Rose, Nan, and Martha Merriman were setting breakfast out. Ben paused in the doorway and watched them. Felicity and Nan were jokingly singing a French folk tune, emphasizing the strange phonetics of the language. Martha was begging the girls to not act so silly, but her eyes showed amusement all the same. Edward Merriman was seated at the table, talking with Polly. Ben turned his attention back to Felicity. She walked with her head high and her shoulders back as she carried a stack of plates, her eyes shining brightly. If she was feeling a similar internal turmoil, it did not show. She continued to sing, her perfect mouth effortlessly forming the words. He flashed back to the previous night in which he had brushed his lips against hers.

"Ben!" Martha Merriman said, breaking him out of his thoughts. "You are not going to church dressed link that, are you? If so, then we should all change clothes and be a proper band of ruffians." She paused, and studied his face. "Lad, you look flushed. Are you ill?"

Everyone turned to look towards him. Ben felt himself blushing even harder. Before he could think of a reply, Felicity set the plates down, crossed the room, and placed a hand on his brow. "He feels warm." She reported back to her mother. Her fingertips brushed his forehead and smoothed a few strands of hair away as she locked eyes with him. _Lord have mercy_. Ben thought. Felicity spoke again, this time to him. "You are sweaty." She turned her attention back to her mother "It feels like a low fever."

Martha spoke, "Ben, you must go lie back down and rest. No church for you today. Rose will bring you some biscuits and herbal tea." Ben opened his mouth to protest, but was interrupted by William trudging into the room. "I couldn't sleep at all last night." He complained. "I swear I heard a couple of local idiots yelling back and forth for hours." He slumped down at the table and yawned for emphasis, then stared accusingly at Ben and Felicity.

Ben felt his courage draining away, marveling at the absurdness of how all it took for him to stand down was the glare of an eleven year-old boy. He decided that retreating would be the best tactic at the moment. "I beg your pardon, Ma'am, Sir," he nodded to Martha and Edward, "I am feeling a little exhausted." Martha pressed her lips together and gave him a sympathetic look. "Go rest."

Ben turned away and walked back to his room. Once a safe distance from the house, he glanced down at his attire, realizing that he had put on not a clean shirt, but the torn shirt from the previous night. Annoyed with his carelessness and cowardice, he climbed the stairs, entered his room, and flopped down on his bed.

Upon returning from church, Felicity pinned on an apron, filled a bowl with bean soup, fetched a few biscuits, and a pot of herb tea. She placed these items on a tray, carried them out of the kitchen, and up to Ben's loft. Through the open door, she could see Ben sitting at his desk, his back to her. She balanced the tray on one arm, then rapped lightly on the doorframe to get his attention.

He turned and gave her a smile, putting down a small book that he had been reading. "Lissie. Come in." She entered the room and placed the tray down next to him, then sat down on the edge of the bed. She studied his face. He looked much more awake, and thankfully the bruise he had the previous night had faded rapidly. "You look much better. How do you feel?"

A sheepish smile spread across Ben's face. Felicity thought it was adorable. He spoke up. "Admittedly, I was not ill in the first place. I had a strange dream and woke up confused. Then William was about to accuse us over what happened last night. It was all a bit too much. I decided to play along to just have a little more time to myself."

Felicity burst out laughing. "Tell me it's not true!" She exclaimed, shaking her head incredulously. "You can stand up in front of an army of Redcoats, but you can't stand up to my brother? He is a child!"

Ben chuckled, then took a deep breath, a serious look crossing over his face. "It is not just your brother. It is you. I am a little embarrassed about my emotional breakdown last night, and I…" He paused, blushing again, "and now that you know how I feel, you are terrifying to me." He ducked his head, but still looked up to make eye contact with her. "Really though, you looked radiantly happy this morning. In fact, you still do. I suppose it threw me off a little. I know this is a strange question, but I must ask it. Why are you so happy? What are you thinking?"

Felicity had already thought this through, not that it required all that much thinking in the first place. She decided to tell him the truth. "You complimented me in a way that no one has ever done before. You said that you know me and all of my faults…" "Perceived faults." Ben interrupted. Felicity held up her hand and continued "…and you still love me. The only other person that seems to like me as I am is Elizabeth, but you know, I cannot marry her. Everyone wants me to change. I always thought that I eventually would grow up, but I find that as I get older I'm inclined to behave more wickedly." She shook her head. "I cannot stop it. But you, you never tell me to slow down, to mind my manners, to stop speaking about serious issues." She clasped her hands together on the bedpost, and pressed her cheek into them and looked up at Ben, knowing full well the effect of this posture. "You said we would talk tomorrow, so here I am. Talk to me." A new boldness had passed over her, and she reveled in the clear head it had given her.

Ben smiled. "Okay, Miss Merriman. First things first." He thought for a moment, then corrected himself. "Well, two things. First, you are most certainly _not_ wicked. Secondly," He leaned towards her, "when are you breaking off your present courtship?"

"Very soon." Felicity said. "I need to speak with my mother first and give her warning that I am going to do this. I hope she is not disappointed." At this thought, slight butterflies invaded her stomach, causing her visage to falter slightly. She looked at Ben, hoping that he didn't notice. But, Ben never missed anything. His brow furrowed, and he reached out and clasped her hand, causing more butterflies to invade.

"Lissie, everything with me aside, he does not make you happy. You need to get rid of him. Your mother loves you and she will understand."

Felicity nodded. Ben was absolutely right. She had woken up this morning with new sense of self-worth. Keeping Joseph around any longer would destroy it all over again.

"And then," Ben continued, a smile spreading across his face again. He squeezed her hand. "We can talk about us. I can speak with your parents. Lissie," he was practically glowing, "I am so happy."

Felicity pulled her hand away from his and held it up. "Wait wait wait." Ben sat back, surprised, "Remember what we talked about? The letters. I'll need to read them first before I even consider having you as a beau." She crossed her arms in front of her chest and stared at him for a moment, then held out her hand. "Give them to me."

Ben sighed. "I was hoping you would not have bothered. I guess I should have not been so foolish to think this." He moved to open one of the desk drawers, and pulled out a neat stack of letters, tied together. He handed them to her. "Just take them, they are yours. But please know, some of them are not very nice. I hope you understand."

Felicity smiled. "I won't take them all at once. Just give me two. I'll come back for more later."

Ben raised an eyebrow at her, and started to pull the bottom two from the stack. "No, no, just chose them completely random. It will be more fun to read them this way." She let a mischievous grin spread on her face in response to Ben's confusion. Felicity took them quickly and put them in her apron pocket. "Eat your lunch before it gets cold." She commanded. "I must go; I have tons of sewing to do." She stood up and left the room, looking back briefly to catch the confused expression on Ben's face. She ran down the stairs, stuffing the two letters safely in her apron pocket, then continued into the house, up the stairs to her bed room. She laid on her bed, broke the seal of one and began to read.

 _August 5_ _th_ _, 1780_

 _My Dear Felicity,_

 _I was having a conversation with the other men this evening that had many interesting points and I feel I must share it with you. We were discussing dreams and one of the young boys said that dreams are what is left of the memories of our past lives, degraded and mixed and scrambled around, then left to misfire like many old dueling pistols at random along with the memories we have picked up in this life. I very much like thinking about this, and I will begin trying to identify the lives in which I dream about._

 _The sunset I see tonight is a deep red and now instead I am thinking about your hair._

 _Forever I remain,_

 _Your Benjamin_

Felicity blushed and smiled to herself. What a strange ending! She held out the second letter and considered saving it for later, but could not stop herself from breaking the seal and opening it. She began to read.

 _December 17_ _th_ _, 1779_

 _Dearest Felicity,_

 _It is so cold that I almost cannot stand writing but there will be a mail gathering to-morrow and I have pen and ink so I must take this opportunity. My birthday was a few days ago do you remember it? I am trying to keep my mind away from thinking of all the sweets that my parents would give me on this day. The other men and boys wished me good health and a long life, but I at this moment I would gladly trade ten years for a blueberry tart. Lissie if only you knew how cold it is I feel as though my bones are freezing me from the inside and no amount of blankets will help. My parents have sent me several woolen items but I feel strange to possess so many items while many of the other men have none so I must give them away._

 _I do not mean to burden you with these thoughts, but I always know you can listen and understand._

 _I wish you good spirits and cheer for the season and if you would Please celebrate on my behalf for I know there will be no Christmastide as I know it here._

 _I forever remain your true friend,_

 _Benjamin Davidson_

Felicity slowly folded up this letter, thinking back to Christmastide in 1779. The war had taken a toll throughout Williamsburg; her father's store went weeks without goods and there was no money to think about. She would work for hours spinning, weaving, and sewing, and was glad to do it. It was the least she could do to not feel useless. Yet, Christmas still had that same feeling, even with less to eat. She couldn't bear to imagine what it was like exposed to the elements in the New England Colonies. She unfolded the letter and read it again, reminding herself that Ben was still alive, he was here, he was okay. She returned to the letter she had read first, imagining all the men and boys sitting around together, pondering about dreams and past lives. This was a much more pleasant thought. She folded both letters and stashed them in the drawer of her nightstand, then walked downstairs to start in with the mending basket.

Over the next week Felicity would come and collect several more letters. It seemed she had a method to this; she would collect no more than two letters, and it was always at random. Ben almost wished he had not written so many; there were at least 20 more letters left. Felicity never wanted to talk about what she had read, nor did she seem to want to talk about the unknown status of their relationship. At one point Ben had tried to refuse to give her another until she would speak with him, but Felicity had merely reminded him of his promise and their deal.

"If you had sent me these letters as I had intended, then I would not be there to talk with you about them. I am simply trying to be authentic." She smirked at him.

"If this were authentic, then you would have to be reading them in chronological order!" Ben had retorted. "Besides, is it not better reading them now as you know I survived and would return home? Some of those letters spoke of hardship and danger. Would you not read them and be worried for me?" He raised his eyebrows, hoping to appeal to her sympathetic nature.

"Do not test me, Benjamin Davidson!" Felicity had positively snapped and held out her hand. "Now, two more letters, please!" Ben sighed, and handed them over. Sometimes he missed the younger, more sensitive Felicity Merriman.

Ben was walking back to Merrimans store after a delivery when he ran into Walter. It had been nearly a week and a half since the tavern fight. "Walk with me." Walter said. "It is unfortunate we have been banned from the tavern; where else are we supposed to talk?" Ben laughed. "Hopefully this is not a lifetime ban! I had promised Lissie that I would accompany her there. Shall we go and plead our case?"

Walter's eyebrows had raised at the mention of Felicity. "Would it not be a little untoward if you showed up with Felicity? When she is supposed to be on Joseph's arm?"

Ben fleetingly regretted mentioning Felicity, and decided to play obtuse to test the waters. "I don't understand. Why would that be untoward?"

Walter blinked, confused. "Because…Joseph is Felicity's suitor. You are not." He spoke as if Ben was a mere child.

"Ah," Ben corrected. "Not for long."

"Really." Walter replied. "So, she is going to drop Joseph, so she can go with you to the tavern." His eyebrows were still raised. "Man, I feel like I am not getting the full story." He paused, and looked up with surprise. "Wait! Tell me you are not sweet on Felicity? Whenever did this happen?"

Ben looked up, thinking. Truth be told, he had never really worked that out for himself. Was the starting point at Publick Times, back almost three years ago? "That does not matter right now."

Walter laughed incredulously. "Right. Well, if she ever asks, don't say it was not until you saw her with another man. Women don't like that." He continued. "So your plan is as follows: Felicity will drop Joseph, then you will court her? That's it?"

"Don't forget, we will go to the tavern, where I will be un-banned on the spot." Ben jokingly added.

"You've gone mad." Walter said, a serious look crossing his face. "You know that it is a big deal for women to end a courtship. And then to start one with you? What is the timeframe on this? And most importantly, is Felicity going to go along with this?" He stared at Ben. "I still feel I am not getting the whole story. You need to tell me everything."

Ben shrugged noncommittally and told Walter about that night, beginning after he had arrived back to the Merrimans home after the tavern fight. He mentioned the letters, how Felicity said that should would agree to a courtship if, and only if she could read all of the letters. "….but she has made it all in to some kind of game and still won't tell me all of the rules, or whatever she is thinking. And here I sit, waiting! At this point my expectations are so low that I'd be happy enough if she just dropped Joseph, never mind the rest of it." He clasped his hands, folding his fingers together and propped them on top of his head, looking up at the sky.

"Would you really though?" Joseph said, chuckling and shaking his head. "So Joseph goes, then Felicity and…say, my cousin declare their undying love for one another?"

"No, no I guess not. That would not be okay." Ben sighed. "I think I would just kill myself and be done with it."

Joseph laughed. "I can just picture the writing on your gravestone." He held up his hands for emphasis. "Here lies Benjamin, who _almost_ had a sweetheart." He clapped Ben on the shoulder. "It's been less than two weeks. You best settle in. Women like to test a man's patience."

Ben smiled in spite of himself. "It all reminds me of something I was told years ago." He thought back. "I was only six years old, and the way I remember it, my sister was being so very cruel to her gentleman friend, despite the fact that he kept coming around to give her sweets and gifts. My mother told me that women often don't have much power or control over their lives in this society, except when it came to courtship. Choosing a husband is a very important decision, and she told me that my sister was just testing how patient and forgiving her suitor was. And that someday, I would have to show how patient and forgiving I am." He shuffled his feet.

"So here we sit." Walter said.

"Yep." Ben replied.

"So in all honesty, how are you feeling?" Walter asked.

"I think I'm going mad." Ben deadpanned, keeping a neutral expression.

The two men sat in silence for a moment. Walter then spoke up. "You could try to speed along the process. You could make her jealous and feign interest in Annabelle Cole, but I do not advise that." Ben barked a laugh. "Of course not! Felicity would see through that in a moment. That, and Annabelle told me she was done with me, for what it's worth."

"Then, you best play along." Walter said. "Smile at her, lean towards her when speaking, perhaps brush your hand against hers…" He trailed off, looking skyward. Ben got the idea he was thinking about something entirely different. He stood up. "I best get back to work. Mr. Merriman is out so it is just Felicity working at the storefront." Walter grinned at him. "I wish you the best of luck, man."

Felicity stood behind the shop counter, idly tapping her fingers. There were no customers. It made sense, as many of the shelves were completely bare. It just an effect of the neverending war. If a customer needed something it could be ordered, but many items were too expensive for just the purposes of keeping the shelves stocked. She reached into her pocket and took out two letters, unfolded one, and began to read.

 _September 23_ _rd_ _, 1779_

 _Dear Felicity,_

 _Try as I might, I cannot get it out of my head how you told me that the kiss we shared was only to make Annabelle angry. How could you be so foolish as to use me in this manner? What am I to you? If I had not been standing there, perhaps another man in my place, would you have kissed him in that way? Do you know how difficult my life has been for the last two years? All of the hardship and danger I have faced? And you have the audacity and the gravitas to use me for your petty little grievance? I cannot abide by this. How dare you!_

Felicity put down the letter, trying to stifle any hurt feelings. Ben had warned her that some of the letters were not so nice. Still she remembered how in a way, he had used her as well. Right? She briefly thought about putting it away for the moment, but mentally built a shield for her emotions and picked it up again.

 _I do not understand the girl you have become. There are many things I must think about._

 _Should I still call you a friend? I do not know the answer to this question. I feel like you have not treated me as a friend should._

 _Yours truly and completely. Really. Everything is always for you, isn't it?_

 _Benjamin Davidson_

Her mind numb, Felicity folded the letter and stuffed it in her drawer. She opened the next one and began to read, noticing right away at what looked to be bloody finger prints on the paper.

 _September 29_ _th_ _, 1779_

 _Dearest Felicity,_

 _I have tried to avoid speaking about battles in my letters to you as I am sure you are getting the news in town, but I must break tradition this once and tell you about something. I woke up this morning with an awful premonition and now I know to trust how I feel. I will not speak of much detail but I found myself crouching behind a downed tree. There was so much chaos and I was able to fire off a few shots. I do not want to think about if they were effective. Then we all scattered like birds. I could not hear anything because the gunfire left my ears ringing. Lissie I wish I could tell you that this was a rare occurrence but it happens more than I want to tell you. Many of the lads are now missing and I fear for them._

 _Lissie how I wish I could talk to you now._

 _Your friend,_

 _Ben_

Felicity folded up this letter slowly, her mind spinning at the opposite tone. She unfolded it and read it again, trying to connect the disjointed sentences to imagine the scene. Ben had mentioned that his hearing was not great; was this due to gunfire from the battles? There had to have been several of these scenes if his hearing was still damaged. She noted the date of the letter; it was written not even a full week after the previous, antagonistic letter. She felt slightly cheered at how Ben had called himself "your friend" at the end of this one. His feelings of anger had lasted no more than five days.

Perhaps Ben was right in one aspect. Had she received this letter while he was still away, she could imagine all of the nights she would lie awake with worry for him. Knowing he was safe was like skipping forward and reading the end of a book, so she could read without any fear for the hero despite all of his hardships.

At that moment, Ben returned from his errand. Felicity quickly folded the letter and stuffed it into her pocket, then stood straight up. He noticed that she had been reading one of his letters, and blushed slightly as he made his way to the counter. "Having a productive day Miss Merriman?" He asked. Felicity saw that his smile did not reach his eyes, and decided that things should not need to be so serious between them.

"There is one piece of business that I must take care of." She said, walking out from behind the counter, "and now is the opportune moment." She bent down and rifled through a small box of childrens' toys, pulling out a wooden replica of a dueling pistol. She wielded it as if it were real, pointing it directly at Ben's chest. He held his hands up. Felicity pulled her most threatening face. "You rebel scum." She pretended to pull back on the safety lever.

Ben played along, feigning a shocked face. "Miss Merriman! I should have known you were a Loyalist spy!"

Felicity smiled. "It was too easy. All I needed to do was tempt you with food, and you would tell me all of General Washington's secrets! And now, once I have completed my final mission of killing the most notorious rebel warrior, Benjamin Davidson, I will sail to London and live out my days in high society!" She spoke the last lines as Annabelle would, laying on the posh accent thickly.

"Madam," Ben pleaded, his hands still up. "I have been a proper fool to have played into your treacherous hands. But please, before you kill me, I must tell you one thing!" He paused, "I….I confess….," he suddenly looked like a man holding back tears. "If telling you General Washington's plans was what kept your attention towards me, I regret nothing!" His face hardened, and he looked defiantly at her. "If you wish to kill me, do not hesitate!" He held his shoulders back and gestured grandly towards himself, "For I cannot live in a world where the woman I love trades me for a powdered wig and a little pug!" The corners of his mouth twitched slightly.

"Indeed!" Felicity retorted, trying not to break into laughter herself. "Prepare to meet thy devil!" She stomped her foot, mimicking the sound of a firing pistol.

Ben recoiled, then slowly looked down. He clutched at his chest as if to cover a bullet wound. "You…you shot me!" He allowed his knees to buckle, and he lurched forward at Felicity as if to grab her by the shoulders. Felicity, momentarily shocked at his realistic performance, stepped back. Ben dropped to his knees and looked up at her, eyes wide, but mouth slack. He drew in a few labored breaths and gasped, "My dear Lissie…why?"

Felicity, still shocked, stammered "I…I…." She shook her head to snap out of it. Apparently Ben was a talented actor. She watched as Ben slumped over sideways, his hands falling away limply from his chest. His shoulder hit the floor, making her flinch at the sound. With half-lidded eyes, he rolled over partway onto his back and continued gasping for air, punctuating the horrible sound with an occasional weak cough. "Lissie" he choked, focusing his eyes on her. His fingers curled and opened again, trying to beckon towards her. Felicity put the wooden pistol down and knelt at his side. "Oh Benjamin," she crooned, "perhaps I did love you in my own way." She took his hand, and with her other hand stroked his long brown hair. He painstakingly reached up and stroked her cheek lightly before letting his hand fall back to the floor. She forced herself to stay in character. "But, my love for you only made it easy to kill you. I utterly despise you for…." She struggled to keep the façade as easily as he did, "….for what….for what you made me feel!" She inwardly cringed at her poor performance.

Ben closed his eyes, his breaths turning into rasps. She watched him, overtaken by the sad beauty of his performance. Why had Ben not gone into play acting? She felt her instinct taking over, and wanted to cradle his head and tell him it was all going to be okay. His rasping became more intermittent, and as she continued to stare at him, he gave one final exhale and was completely still.

Felicity realized that he had probably seen men shot and killed right in front of him. An uncomfortable feeling settled in the pit of her stomach. How could she have been so insensitive? "Ben, get up." She said, forcing a laugh. He did not move. She watched him a moment later, seeing that he had to eventually take a breath. He finally did, his chest moving ever so slightly. "Ha!" Felicity exclaimed. "I see you are still alive, now get up and help me once again clean these shelves!" She stood up, and grabbed a cloth. He continued to lie on the floor. "Gee, I suppose I'll have to use the ladder with no support!" Felicity said loudly. "I wish someone would come back to life and help me out!" She clambered up, and dusted her way around the already-clean, empty shelves. After a few minutes, she looked back. Ben still laid on the floor, eyes closed. She rapidly shifted her weight back and forth, making the ladder wobble precariously. No response from Ben. _Surely he will eventually get bored. I'll just have to ignore him._ Felicity climbed down from the ladder and stood back behind the counter. A thought occurred to her. "Ben!" She hissed. "Get up before someone comes in and sees you!" Ben did not move. She sighed, resting her chin into her palm. _It's not as if anyone comes in at all anyways._ She opened the ledger to start the day's inventory.

An hour later, someone indeed came in. Felicity looked down with a start, expecting Ben to jump up. But, he still did not move. Luckily, it was just Elizabeth. She looked down, surprised at seeing Ben sprawled across the floor, and then looked back at Felicity's exasperated face. "Lissie, what on Earth is going on? What is wrong with Ben?"

Felicity felt her temper rising. "He is being completely daft." She snapped. Elizabeth waited for further explanation. Felicity, thoroughly irritated, offered none.

Elizabeth chuckled, "so, there is nothing wrong? He is sleeping? Pretending to be asleep?" She watched him for a moment, noting that his chest moved as he breathed. "What if someone comes in?"

Felicity pressed her lips together tersely. "You came in, and you could have been anyone! He is pretending to be dead. Honestly, I think he has gone mad."

"Awwww," Elizabeth laughed, "look at him! He looks so sweet and harmless! She quirked her lips. "Don't you think he looks so handsome, like a tragic hero? Why, I could just kiss him and he would come back to life. Or, perhaps you could as well." She smiled wickedly. Felicity blushed. Elizabeth would often remind Felicity of that awkward day back at Publick Times. She continued, "Anyways, my sister was a few minutes behind me. Best he get up before she sees him."

"Ben!" Felicity snapped, "Get up, or else!" She knelt at his side and shook him. His head rolled to the side. She poked the uninjured side of his ribcage, knowing that it was often a sensitive area on many folks. No response. "Aargh!" She yelled. "He is being so infuriating!" She had a sudden, evil thought to rub her knuckles heavily along his breastbone, an excruciatingly painful move that Joseph had told her would stir even the most drunken fool out of any state.

"Lissie," Elizabeth put a hand on her shoulder, "I think I hear her coming up. Quick! Let's just drag him behind the counter!" "Right!" Felicity seized one ankle. "Take his other foot!" The girls roughly dragged him away from the center of the floor. Felicity noticed that he flinched a little when his head hit an uneven floorboard. _Serves him right_ , she thought.

At that moment, Annabelle walked in. Felicity dropped Ben's ankle and it hit the floor with a loud thud, while Elizabeth instinctively ducked down behind the counter. "Felicity," she said crisply, pulling out a copy of Voltaire's _Candide_ from her handbag and placing it down on the counter, "I have brought this for you. I found it to be utterly foolish, just completely trite. So my first thought is that you would thoroughly enjoy it." Felicity plastered on a large, toothy smile and decided to respond in kind. "Why thank you Annabelle! I know I will find many subtle messages that I'm sure went right over your pretty little head! Don't fret, I will explain them all to you." Annabelle smirked, and held out her hand. "I won't go without a trade. Did you think this was a charity case?" She stepped closer to the counter, and noticed Elizabeth crouched down low. "Bitsy! I had forgotten all about you! What on Earth are you doing down there?" She then noticed Ben, who was still collapsed on the floor. A concerned expression crossed over her face. "Good heavens! What is wrong with Ben? Is he all right?" Her concern quickly turned into disdain as she considered something else. "He is not drunk, is he? The fool!"

Felicity sighed. Knowing Annabelle's penchant for gossip, they were all in trouble. "No, he is not drunk. I can promise you that." Annabelle narrowed her eyes, sensing that nothing serious had happened. "What are you three twits up to?"

Elizabeth decided to answer, simply stating, "Ben is playing a trick on us."

Annabelle raised an eyebrow as if to demand a more detailed explanation, but Felicity and Elizabeth both remained silent. She finally spoke back up. "Ahem, well, it serves the both of you right, as I remember all of the little jokes you both would play to amuse your foolish little heads." She turned her nose up. "Felicity, remember that you were going to give me the French novel. You know the one." Felicity smiled at that fact that Annabelle couldn't bring herself to say the title. Annabelle called to Elizabeth, "Bitsy! Did you put in your order? We must get along to finish all of Mama's errands."

"Oh!" Elizabeth said. "Lissie, may I get some more thread? The usual colors." She smiled. "I would like to try some new embroidery." Felicity grinned. "Yes indeed Ma'am! I'll get that order in today," She thought for a moment, then added, "And my copy of _Les Liasions_!" Annabelle blushed slightly, but kept her haughty face. She stood for a moment in anticipation, then tapped her foot impatiently. "Well?" She demanded.

"Go on ahead, I will catch up with you." Elizabeth said. Annabelle rolled her eyes and stalked out of the shop. Elizabeth waited to hear Annabelle's footsteps fade away, then she turned back to Felicity. "You never told me what is going on. Why is Ben playing dead?"

"We were just playing around, and I pretended to shoot him." Felicity knew how ridiculous this sounded, but Elizabeth knew how she and Ben liked to be ridiculous around each other. She shrugged her shoulders. "For some reason I can't get him to stop pretending."

Elizabeth laughed. "Lissie, you know that shooting a man is an action that cannot just be undone." She sighed dramatically, placing the back of her hand against her forehead. "You have killed him! Poor Benjamin! Now you will have to explain to his mother and father why you have murdered their most precious only son! Are you prepared to beg for forgiveness and resign yourself to the noose?" Felicity laughed, her annoyance lifting. Perhaps she had been too irritable over the matter. She responded in kind, "I was hoping with your connections I can be on the next ship to London! There, I will slip away and live in the Scottish wilderness! Come and find me, and we will live happily and free!"

Elizabeth smiled. "There's a thought!" She looked down on him as if to ponder something. "Perhaps…" She paused, thinking, "Perhaps you need to tell him certain things, and he will wake up." Her eyes took on a familiar look, and she smiled widely. "Yes, I'm sure of it! There has to be some magic words!"

Felicity blushed. Once again, she knew exactly what Elizabeth was getting at. She shook her head resignedly and spoke up, "There are things I must tell you, but not right at this moment." She nodded towards Ben's prone form. Felicity knew that he was listening to their every word.

"Hm?" Elizabeth responded. She studied Felicity's face, then smiled slightly. "Okay, yes. I must catch up with Annabelle. We must sit together tomorrow, okay? You can play guitar and I will work on stitching. And we will be sure to talk!" Felicity smiled, watching her leave. "Good day Miss Cole! We will talk on the 'morrow!"

After Elizabeth left, Felicity dragged a chair to the side of the counter, and continued with the ledger. She spoke towards Ben "Hope you enjoyed all of that. I am not sure what you wish to accomplish, but you have truly embarrassed yourself. You know that I will be talking to Elizabeth tomorrow, and I'm sure you have an inkling of what I will be speaking about." She stared at Ben, noticing his mouth twitch. She sat in silence for the next hour, jotting down the inventory. Once or twice she was interrupted by customers, who luckily did not notice Ben laying behind the counter. Once evening fell, she closed and locked the door, then lit a few candles and worked to finish the final bookkeeping. As she wrote the last lines, she heard a peculiar sound coming from the floor. She looked down at Ben. He was breathing deeply, alternatively muttering something that sounded like gibberish. "Ben?" She questioned, then realized it a moment later.

He was asleep.

Felicity's temper flared. How long had he actually been sleeping? She had done _everything_ at her father's store today! She imagined giving him a solid kick to the side, but stopped herself, forcing calm. She thought for a moment, then grabbed a large bucket from one of the shelves. She quietly opened the door as not to wake Ben up, then went outside to fill it from a watering trough. She re-entered the shop and stood over him, bucket in hand. He had not stirred.

She watched him for a moment, taking into account his breathing pattern. He was sound asleep, his mouth slightly open, inhaling and exhaling fast, but deep. As he exhaled, she positioned the bucket of water over his head and waited for him to draw breath. Then without any further hesitation, she dumped the contents over his face.

Felicity's timing was perfect, and Ben inhaled a lungful of cold trough water. He shot to sitting, and began choking and coughing. Felicity smiled widely, and crowed, raising up her hands like the Sunday preacher. "Hallelujah! It's a miracle! He hath risen from the dead!" Ben stared up at Felicity. The look in his eyes turned from shocked to accusatory as he continued to cough, water dripping down his face. Felicity kept smiling, feeling as though she had bested Ben at something. She then began to kneel so she could pound him on the back. He raised a hand towards her as if to hold her back, and put his other hand on his ribcage, coughing all the while.

Felicity straightened back up, standing next to him. "Have a good sleep? You missed the entire day! We were so busy, I did not know what to do with no help!" Her smile faltered a bit as he closed his eyes. He had finally stopped coughing, but something wasn't right. One of this forearms was pressed against the wall to support himself, and his other hand had moved to his stomach as he continued to work to steady his breathing. His face had drained of all color. She stepped closer, and his hand went up again to keep her at a distance. She batted it away and stood next to him. "Let me help you, silly boy." Ben shook his head, his eyes still closed. He put a hand back out and pushed weakly against her leg, as if to hold her back. She shook it off, but just as soon as she began to kneel down, Ben made a face, gagged, and vomited all over her shoes.

Now it was Felicity's turn to be shocked. She jumped back and looked down at her now-ruined shoes, then stared at Ben. He reached for a nearby cloth and spat into it, then wiped his mouth. He set the cloth aside and drew his sleeve across his face, wiping off any excess water. After a moment, he cleared his throat and smiled sheepishly up at her, finally speaking with a scratchy voice. "You had best get another bucket of water."

After thoroughly cleaning up the floor, the two of them walked home. Felicity was wearing a new pair of stockings she had taken from the shelf to replace her messy ones, and Ben had given her his shoes to wear. They were way too big, and she would often stumble. Ben walked carefully in his stocking feet, trying to avoid sharp gravel. He grabbed her by the shoulders to keep her from falling as she tripped once again. She looked up gratefully, glad that his hair was starting to dry. He gave her a smile and spoke up with a voice that was still slightly scratchy. "I figure I owe you an apology for ruining your shoes."

Felicity considered this. She had felt terrible for making him sick. The bucket of water had indeed gone too far. "'Tis I that should be apologizing." She reached out and squeezed his hand, smiling back at him.

Ben grinned wider, and spoke up. "You remember when I assured you that you were not wicked?" Felicity raised her eyebrows. He spoke again. "I'm re-thinking that opinion." Felicity laughed, "Fair enough, Benjamin."

They continued walking hand in hand, with Ben's stockings picking up mud from the road, and Felicity stumbling again in a pair of too-big shoes.

Author's notes:

1) Ben's dream is inspired by the song "Quotidian Beasts" by Phosphorescent. Give it a listen!

2) Don't rub your knuckles against your sternum. It may be harmless, but it is extremely painful. The medical purpose is to test for unconsciousness, but its usefulness is disputed. I'm not a medical professional, so I don't know either way. Consider this to be a disclaimer.

3) Next up, Felicity and Ben get into another row, and Mrs. Merriman suspects something may be up. There will probably be other things that happen too.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter summary: Felicity and Ben spend some quality time together, and Felicity tries to work a few things out.

"….and then, all he said was, _you had best get another bucket_!"

Elizabeth shrieked with rather unladylike laughter, tears running down her eyes as Felicity finished telling her of last night's antics. The two young women sat together in the Coles' parlor, Elizabeth working on her latest embroidery pattern and Felicity talking and alternatively playing guitar.

"Lissie, what then? Was he not angry with you? You could've drowned him!"

"I know, I know, and I felt terrible!" Felicity exclaimed, "but he did not seem angry. He even lent me his shoes to walk home in, since mine are now beyond reproach. He did call me wicked, but it was all in good humor, or so I presume." She strummed a couple of open chords absent-mindedly.

"This all means something, can you not see it Lissie?" Elizabeth asked, an amused smile on her face, "I think your friendship with Ben has crossed some sort of line. I mean, if you had dumped a bucket of water over my head, I'd be salty at you for a great long time! Perhaps he is plotting revenge as we speak. There is something you are not telling me."

Felicity sighed. She and Elizabeth shared everything with each other, yet she felt an odd hesitation in telling her everything that had happened between her and Ben the past few days. It was not that she did not want to keep secrets, it was more or less a feeling that she wanted to protect Ben. On the other hand, Elizabeth had seen them together at rather delicate times, so Felicity figured she knew everything anyways.

She decided to bring it all out in the open. "Ben told me that he loved me." She strummed a final, quick accented chord as guilt prickled at her skin.

Elizabeth did not look shocked in the slightest. In fact, she did not even look up from her work. Felicity saw that this was confirmation of her complete lack of surprise about Ben. "And what prompted this?" She asked, a half smile on her face.

"We had a small row, well, I think it was a row. He asked me if I would marry Joseph if he was to offer his hand. I told him I likely would."

Elizabeth looked up sharply, and Felicity realized she had not told her anything of this topic. She repeated herself, a slightly different tone in her voice. "And what prompted _this_?"

Felicity was starting to feel slightly uneasy. "Ben was acting strange, and I decided to get him talking." She knew this sounded downright petulant. "It is a very complicated story."

"No, no, no." Elizabeth waved her hand. "I'm not talking about Ben. It's…" She paused, considering her words, "….do you feel like it is a good idea to marry Joseph?" She raised her eyebrow, adding for emphasis, "Is he your one future husband?"

Felicity squirmed, "At one point I thought so, but lately I have being feeling more irritable towards him than happy."

"In your heart, you know the answer." Elizabeth said definitively, then she laughed. "I can't see you, ever in a thousand years settling down and marrying already! Joseph is handsome, sure, but is he for you? Then again, I don't know. You never talk about him!"

Felicity shook her head. "It seemed as though Ben wanted to tell me a similar thing, but it came out in a completely different way. It's a strange thing. After the Autumn Maiden thing that happened," she inwardly flinched at bringing up such an awkward memory, "I was convinced that Ben could never like me as anything more than a friend. I told you this, remember?"

"Aye," replied Elizabeth, "I do remember. I'm not certain I believe it. You are Ben are both older now." She narrowed her eyes in thought. "Then again, perhaps he only realized he loved you after seeing you with another man. It happens; have you seen it? Men can be very jealous." A slightly dark look passed over her face. "I'd be careful, Lissie. Perhaps he hates the idea that another man is more important to you than he is."

Felicity was a little taken back at this thought. Did Ben only see her as a potential sweetheart after seeing her with Joseph? Either way, she couldn't have Elizabeth getting a bad impression of Ben. She decided to alleviate her friend's concerns. "No, no, I have faith that this is not the case."

"You know what is happening here, Lissie," Elizabeth looked down at her work again, but continued speaking. "It seems you are involved in a love triangle." She smiled.

Felicity tossed up her arms. "I do not know how I got myself into this mess. A love triangle? This is in every book written, ever! What a cliché!" She strummed a few harsh, minor chords.

Elizabeth laughed at the dramatic overtone. "Now you have your own experience to write about."

Felicity decided to turn the conversation around. "We have spent this whole time talking about me, and I will say no more for the time being. Now," she added jokingly, "…what about you?"

Elizabeth rolled her eyes. "You know I can't go courting until Annabelle is at least engaged. Mama told me I could when I turned eighteen either way, but I've put it out of my mind. By what I've seen from her experiences and now yours, I'm starting to think that Annabelle is doing me a kindness by keeping me ineligible for the time being." She smiled and shook her head. "I'm watching your missteps and learning from them."

Felicity tossed a pillow at her, which Elizabeth fended off skillfully. "Just you wait! I cannot wait to see what misadventures and messes your get yourself tangled in!"

Elizabeth tossed the pillow back, which bounced benignly off Felicity's head. "Enough of this talk. There are more interesting topics than lads."

"Aye, I can definitely agree on this point!" Laughed Felicity. "Come now, what other topics were considered _of general interest_?"

Ben sat behind the counter of Merriman's store. There were a few customers browsing, but they had brushed off his offers of help. So, he allowed his mind to wander. As was typical, he thought about Felicity. William was going to stop by and take over the counter in a half-hour so Ben could leave to go riding with her. These weekly rides were something that the two of them had agreed to keep on a schedule; they would often go off for hours just to get a break from everyday tasks. Ben had still been too sore from the brawl to go the previous week, so this was to be their first ride together since his declaration towards her.

He admittedly was feeling nervous. He and Felicity still had not spoken about their complicated relationship, and while Ben had relaxed a little, the idea of being alone with Felicity with no distractions, nothing else to focus on besides each other was a little daunting.

At that moment, the door swung open and a girl walked in. Ben recognized her as one of Nan's friends. _What was her name? Catherine?_ He struggled to remember, then decided to forget about the name. He put on a smile. "Hello! So nice to see you. Let me know if there is anything I can help you with."

The girl blushed bright red and looked at her feet, then mumbled something rather unintelligible.

Ben frowned slightly, "Beg your pardon miss?"

Still looking down, she repeated herself. Ben caught the word "nutmeg", and stepped out from behind the counter. He smiled and gestured, "come this way," and led her down one of the isles to where cooking spices were kept. On the way, he decided to make conversation. "You have piqued my curiosity miss. What will you be using the nutmeg for?"

Again, the girl mumbled something. Ben decided to leave it well alone. He gestured towards the array of spices. "Let me know how much you would like, and I will weigh it out for you. Will the nutmeg be sufficient, or is there anything else? Perhaps some vanilla beans? We were able to get a small shipment a few days ago." He put on his best smile, despite his growing uneasiness at her behavior.

The girl balled her fists and looked up. Ben stepped back. Her eyes were narrowed, with tears brimming in them.

"Do you even recognize me?" She asked, choking up.

Ben was taken back with surprise. "Yes I recognize you. You are Nan's friend." Typically she was very silent, and this in fact was the first time she had looked him in the eye.

A tear slipped down her cheek. "My name. Do you know my name?"

Ben felt himself flushing a bit. He faltered at this bizarre interaction, asking again, "I beg your pardon miss?"

"Stop calling me Miss! The girl snapped. "I have a name, and we have been introduced before. So you must remember it!"

Ben put up his hands as if to defend himself. "I'm so sorry M…erm…. Catherine?"

The girl stomped her foot, then covered her face with her hands. "I'm practically in love with you, and you don't even remember my name." She bawled.

Ben looked around himself, noting that several of the customers had turned to watch at this outburst. The girl had sunk to her knees and was sobbing into her hands. He remembered how Annabelle used to pay him frequent visits, following him around and fluttering her eyelashes. But compared to his interactions with Annabelle, this girl seemed completely unhinged. Polite detachment was unlikely to result in anything good here. Ben weighed his options, then decided to kneel down and talk to her.

"Please forgive me and let me have another chance to remember your name. I promise, you'll find that I never forget it from here on out." He hesitated a moment, then put a hand on her shoulder.

She looked up, and Ben flinched at the look of pure hatred on her face. "No!" she practically snarled, "Nan told me everything! You have broken my heart, and I will never forgive you!" She jumped up and practically fled the shop, slamming the door behind her.

Ben stood up, feeling bewildered and slightly guilty at this interaction. What exactly had Nan said? He knew that Nan was prone to gossip and exaggeration, and he was starting to suspect that she had a small mean streak about her. He made a mental note to speak with her about this. Around him, the customers were turning back towards their shopping, although an older couple at close proximity were both chuckling. The man spoke up, "Something tells me you are used to this by now, lad!" The woman replied, "Of course he is! Why, just look at the fellow! If only I were 40 years younger!" The two of them burst out laughing.

Ben felt his face getting red.

With her mother's help, Felicity carefully draped a freshly-laundered linen sheet across the clothesline outside the Merriman house, securing it in place with wooden clips. She studied the remaining space on the line, and figured there was room for a pillow cover. She bent down and rummaged through the basket in search of one. As she did this, she sensed her mother's eyes on her. "Lissie, when we are finished here, will you please help Nan with the mending? Progress has been slow since I have been teaching Polly how to better her stitching."

Felicity looked up. Her mother knew about her weekly rides with Ben. "I'm sorry mother, but I have my ride with Ben this afternoon."

Martha tilted her head. "Ah yes, I remember now." She clipped a pillow cover onto the line.

Felicity watched her, a little confused. She had passed by the mending basket earlier, and it had not seemed fuller than normal. Was there a hidden message here?

A moment later, Martha spoke up again. "You spent the morning at the Coles' house, so I figured that you would devote yourself to chores for the remainder of today. Lissie, there is lots to be done. You know this."

"Aye," Felicity replied, feeling a little apprehensive. Her mother knew how important these rides were. She wouldn't disallow her to go, would she?

Her mother continued, "Lissie, I feel you have had your head in the clouds these past two weeks. I'm not sure if you have noticed, but Nan has been working very hard to keep up both her chores and yours."

Felicity blinked in surprise. Her mother's accusation was not at all unexpected, and she chose her words carefully. "Mother, I am very sorry that I have been a little absent-minded as of late, but I don't believe it is entirely fair to assume that Nan had been working double-time on my behalf."

Her mother looked at her pointedly. "Just be sure you attend to it this evening early on before the sun sets or you will be squinting in the dark."

Felicity sighed. Watching the sun set was the best part of the ride, but she knew better not to push the issue. "Mother, should I not go at all?"

"Well," her mother turned back to the clothesline, "I suppose I won't have too many more of these rides with Ben in the future, so you should go and enjoy while you can."

Felicity froze. "Pardon?" She asked, surprised.

"I mean, when you become engaged." Her mother smiled. "You have been with Joseph for a year, have you not? This is time enough. It would not be proper for an engaged woman to go off on long rides with an unrelated man."

A slight sense of panic seemed to run through Felicity's veins. "Mother," she protested, "Joseph has not spoken to you or Father, or me for that matter about an engagement."

"Lissie, he has spoken to both of us, and we have agreed. But ultimately it is your decision. We would not force you to do anything you do not wish." Her mother smiled slightly.

Felicity was shocked. It felt a little surreal to be having such an important conversation while attending to a mundane task such as laundry. It took a moment to find her voice. "Nan told me that she had overheard Joseph speaking to Father, but I did not believe her. Why did Father not tell me? _Why did Joseph not tell me?_ "

Martha was no longer smiling. "Why do you not ask him? Communication is the most important skill to have for a happy marriage."

The words tumbled out of Felicity's mouth. "Mama- er, Mother, I do not wish!"

Martha looked at Felicity, her eyebrows raised. "Pardon, Lissie?"

Nervousness washed over Felicity, but she held her ground. "I do not wish to marry Joseph. I wish to break if off with him."

Her mother was silent for a moment before speaking. "May I ask, daughter, why you wish to end your courtship of one year?"

Felicity felt her mother's chilly tone, but was relieved all the same to have gotten it out. "He does not love the person I am."

Martha countered her, "And what person are you?" She asked coldly.

Felicity felt herself shrinking, and a lump beginning to form in her throat. She knew how bad it was to break off a lengthy courtship. She had to make her mother see what both Ben and Elizabeth saw. "He is always correcting me like I am a stupid little girl, asking me what is wrong with me, asking what he is going to do with me. I no longer feel like my opinions and mind are valued by him. He likes the way I look, but wishes I behaved like a different girl. I am no longer happy in his presence." She knew that she was struggling to explain herself.

Thankfully, her mother's eyes softened a little. "Lissie, have you told him this?"

"Well, no." Felicity faltered.

Her mother watched her for a moment before speaking. "Whom else have you expressed these concerns to?"

"Just Ben and Elizabeth." Felicity replied, a sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach. She mentally kicked herself for not bringing the issue up more delicately, perhaps at a time when she had not been so noticeably lazy about her chores.

Her mother was silent for a moment, yet again. "Ben knows of your concerns? Good thing for you that he is so quiet and unlikely to spread this information around. Speaking of Ben, I'm sure you will be wanting to get Penny ready for your ride." She looked pointedly at Felicity, and continued. "My daughter, put some more thought into your situation before deciding to break off your courtship. Things will be very difficult for you if you go about this rashly." She busied herself with the laundry again, but continued speaking. "I implore you to tell Joseph your concerns before you make any decisions. You need to be able to speak your mind to your husband, and this would be the best time to practice." She looked back at Felicity. "I regret that I feel some disappointment with you. You spend time with friends, skip out on your chores, and now you are looking towards breaking off a mature courtship with a respectable gentleman."

Felicity stood frozen to the spot feeling her mother's disapproval wash over her. Tears prickled her eyes as she realized that everything Martha had said was true. She opened her mouth to remind her that ultimately it was her choice, but her mother spoke up again. "Off with you, Lissie! Do not keep Ben waiting!"

Felicity closed her mouth, realizing there was no use. She turned on her heel and left.

Ben finished saddling up Patriot, then looked over at Penny. He had seen Felicity helping her mother hang up the laundry; hopefully they would be done soon. He figured he would get started on saddling up Penny until she arrived. He was pulling the thick woolen blankets from the shelf when Felicity blazed in carrying the usual basket of refreshments for their ride. He felt the expected bout of nervousness wash over him, then suppressed it, reminding himself that Felicity was his dear friend and they were going to spend the afternoon riding together. He grinned at her. "Just in time! I was about to saddle Penny for you."

She looked up, and Ben caught the expression of cold fury in her eyes. Her face was flushed, and her lips were pressed into a thin line. He stepped towards her. "Lissie, whatever is the matter?"

Felicity shook her head. "No need to discuss it now. I'll tell you once we are on our way."

Ben stood for a moment more, trying to figure out what may have transpired between Felicity and Martha that would have caused this sort of distress.

Felicity struggled with the saddle, then turned back towards Ben with an exasperated look. "Come on! Help me with this!"

Ben jumped forward to grab the end of the saddle, hurt prickling his skin at Felicity's tone. He decided to speak up. "Lissie, unless I am the reason for your anger, please don't snap at me."

Felicity closed her eyes, and was quiet for a moment. "My apologies. 'Twas not my intention to speak harshly to you." She looked Ben in the eye and smiled slightly.

Ben saw the distress still written across her face, and felt a little guilty for coercing an apology. "Think nothing of it. Let's be on our way."

Their rides were always one part routine, with a planned route and meeting place that they would race towards, and one part exploration that they would take together. They reached the outskirts of Williamsburg, then urged their horses into a full gallop. Patriot was a spirited horse, but Ben could tell that he preferred Penny to lead the way. As they ran, Ben felt the warm wind rushing by, and saw the trees turn into a green blur. He looked up, and saw Penny running ahead, with Felicity bent low in the saddle. Ben hoped that the run was helping to clear her mind.

Felicity was waiting patiently as he reached the creek, and together they urged their horses on slowly. Ben was hoping that Felicity would speak up and tell him why she had been so upset, but she remained silent and seemingly in thought. He decided to break the ice.

"I had the strangest encounter today. One of Nan's friends came into the store today for some nutmeg, or so I thought. She ended up screaming at me right there about how I broke her heart." He saw a smile begin on Felicity's face, and continued, "It was over something that Nan must have told her about me, but I haven't the faintest idea what she could have said." He shook his head. "It made me remember in a way how Annabelle always used to pay me visits, but this girl was completely mad!" He was relieved to hear Felicity finally laugh. He continued, "It was always amusing how you and Elizabeth had carried on as if it was this huge secret that I must never know, but all in all, Annabelle's affections were pretty obvious to me from the start. In fact, I had written letters to my sisters for advice on how to deal with her, and after a fair bit of teasing, the general consensus was that I remain polite and give her as few words as possible. It eventually worked! But this girl, I'm afraid she may return and put a knife in my back."

Felicity grinned. "So let me get this straight. She comes in, asks for nutmeg, then starts screaming at you?"

"Aye!" Ben said. "Well, mostly. You should have seen her eyes. Pure hatred. I really must speak to Nan about this."

Felicity raised an eyebrow. "Which friend was it?"

"I'm afraid that I do not remember her name." Ben confessed. "There lies the crux of the issue. I guessed that her name was Catherine, and she was furious."

Felicity clicked her tongue in sympathy. "Poor girl! Can you describe her? Perhaps I might know."

Ben shrugged. "Dark hair, dark eyes. Average height, I reckon. Always looks at her feet."

"That would be Sylvie." Felicity replied. Her face took on a somber tone.

"Oh." Ben replied. "I….perhaps I never learned her name in the first place. I would have remembered that." Sylvie was the name of Ben's eldest sister, who had passed away less than a year prior along with her newborn daughter. Thoughts of his sister entered into his mind as a familiar sadness washed over him. He had not seen her since before he had left to fight in the war, and when he had returned to Yorktown, she had been on bedrest with a difficult pregnancy and he had been too ill to visit her. He thought about his parents; how difficult it had been for them, and for his brother-in-law and their children to lose their wife and mother.

He felt Felicity watching him, and looked up to see her sympathetic smile. "Should we stop here and rest?" She suggested.

He looked around himself. They had reached a forest clearing. The sun was shining brightly, without a cloud in the sky. He returned her smile, "Aye, this is perfect. But, let's stay close to the trees. You don't want the sun turning your nose pink!" He swung his leg over the saddle, jumping down to the ground, then walked over to offer a hand to Felicity.

She laid out a blanket and they both sat down upon it, then Felicity busied herself with the basket of refreshments while Ben remained deep in thought. He looked down and smiled as her hand grabbed his, turned his palm up, and placed a bread roll into it. She then handed him a small jar of cherry preserves.

Ben placed the jar of preserves down, then idly tossed the roll into the air and caught it, still thinking about his sister. He still had trouble comprehending that she was gone. It had been years since he had seen her, and to him, she was always just a couple of days ride away. He wondered if this mindset was perhaps the best one for his emotional well-being. He sighed and turned his face in the direction of the breeze, thinking of his parents. Fate indeed had been cruel to them. He had been terribly ill for two weeks after returning from the war and had narrowly survived, only for Sylvie and her daughter to pass less than three weeks later.

"Tell me what is on your mind?" Felicity cut in to his thoughts and he turned towards her, seeing question marks in her eyes. He shook himself out of his reverie and remembered the most pressing task at hand. "I'm fine, Lissie, it's nothing. What about yourself? What happened with your mother?"

Felicity looked down at her hands, idly folding and unfolding a handkerchief. "Mother told me that Joseph had asked for my hand in marriage, and she and Father had agreed to it." She looked up at Ben and gave a wry smile. "Turns out, Nan was right."

Ben's heart leaped into his throat, and his breath caught. "But he had not asked you?" He asked incredulously.

"No, no he did not." Felicity tossed the handkerchief away, keeping her head down.

Ben waited for her to elaborate, but she stayed silent. His heart pounded in his chest, but he forced an even tone. "So what did you say?"

Felicity looked at him sharply, as if she was slightly insulted that he had asked. She ignored his question, and continued her thought. "Why did he not ask me? Did he automatically think my answer was affirmative, so there was no reason to ask me? Or does my opinion not matter, ever?" Her voice was rising in anger.

Ben couldn't help himself. "Joseph may be the only one who thinks your opinion does not matter." He commented, not feeling any remorse.

Felicity gave the same wry half-smile, and shrugged her shoulders.

Ben repeated his question. "So what did you say?"

Felicity looked him in the eye. "I told Mother that I did not wish to marry Joseph. That I wished instead to break it off."

Ben's heart soared, but he continued to keep his voice even. "That was your reply? Right then and there?" He grinned, hoping to get her to smile. "There is no one, anywhere that could accuse you of cowardice!"

Felicity pressed her lips together, not picking up on the hint. "Mother pressed me as to why I felt this way, and I told her my concerns. They were the same as I told you that night, how he always talks over me, corrects me, explains the simplest things to me in the most irritating manner..." She trailed off, then continued. "I told her I was not happy around him."

Ben saw the cold fury return to Felicity's face, and couldn't help but feel pleased at it. Perhaps this was the end of Joseph in his and Felicity's lives. He waited to feel pings of guilt, but there were none.

"What did your mother say?" He asked, leaning towards her.

"She asked me if I had told him of my concerns, and when I said that I hadn't, she told me that communication was the most important thing in any marriage, and I had best learn that soon." Felicity went back to fidgeting with her handkerchief.

"Hm," Ben said, thinking. Martha indeed had a point, but at the same time… "I believe that…how should I put this?" He went silent for a moment, and Felicity looked up at him, waiting his answer. "I believe that if you were truly the girl that Joseph wanted, he should love your temperament as much as your face. If he truly loved you, Felicity Merriman, he would be encouraging you to be your true self, and not spending so much time correcting any perceived faults with your behavior." He laid down on his back, arms crossed behind his head.

A smile broke out on Felicity's face, and Ben was glad to see it. "Awww, you are such a sweet, sensitive boy Benjamin Davidson! Why do you not write Valentines notes?"

Ben smiled, blushing a little. He continued, "I mean it. There are pretty girls everywhere, but time eventually changes us all, then what is left is our personalities."

Felicity chuckled, "Now that last statement should for sure go on a Valentine's note. Am I to interpret what you are saying as eventually I will get old and fat, then my poor husband, whomever he may be, will be stuck with only my charming personality?" She grinned down at him.

"Aye, that is exactly it. Joseph is an unwise man if he thinks that what all that he is getting out of a potential marriage is your pretty face 'til death do you both part!"

They both lapsed into silence as a bird called from somewhere nearby. Felicity laid down on the blanket next to him, less than an arm's length away. She looked over at him, a troubled expression crossing over her face. "But now, you see, now I've done it. I don't think you understand how serious of a predicament this is. Joseph has been courting me for a year, and that is a very long time. Mother implored me to think about the seriousness of breaking it off at this point."

Ben scoffed. This was too easy. "Lissie, you have been with him for a year? Marriage is the rest of your life! What is a year compared to thirty, fifty, perhaps even seventy years? If there is no love…." He shook his head. "I would rather remain a bachelor than marry someone I did not love."

Felicity looked at him sadly. "I appreciate your counsel, and you do speak the truth. But, I wish you would listen to me. You are not beholden to the same standards as I am. I cannot just remain a bachelor, and breaking off a long courtship is a very serious deal for a girl."

Ben felt a slight bit of remorse at Felicity's words. "Okay, okay." He said, looking up towards the sky. "So, what do you think you will do?" He could not help but add, "Marry a man you have growing distaste for to please your mother and the rest of Williamsburg? Then what?"

"Why yes!" Felicity said. Ben detected several notes of sarcasm in her voice. "Then I will take a new lover each week! That is what all the high society ladies do!"

Ben snorted, "Just think about all the poor men in your wake!" He looked at her, wishing she would not resort to jokes when they were discussing such a serious matter. "Lissie, in all seriousness, please let me know if I can be of any help."

 _Please let me help. I can fix everything._ Upon reflection of their entire conversation, he realized that there was nothing in Felicity's words that would indicate that she was considering him as a beau. It was if he had never confessed his feelings to her in the first place. Melancholy washed over him, and he closed his eyes. The two lapsed into silence once again.

"Ben," Felicity's voice cut in. Ben opened his eyes and looked over at her. She had a very peculiar expression on her face, was it shyness? That indeed was a rare expression for Felicity Merriman.

"Hm?" Ben asked.

"May I…." Felicity paused as if to think for a moment, then continued, "May I rest my head on your shoulder?" Color tinged her cheeks.

Ben smiled, "Yes, of course." Felicity scooted close to him, and he laid his arm across the blanket so she could rest her head on his shoulder. Ben felt her body lay against his, melting away his melancholy feeling. She had never been so close to him before, except for fleeting hello and goodbye embraces. Above them, the sun shone brightly, a light wind brushed past their faces, and Ben felt a new sense that he had never felt before, was it a feeling of completeness?

At that moment, Felicity sniffled. Ben opened his eyes and turned his head towards her, surprised to see that she was crying. "Lissie? Whatever is the matter?"

"I just don't know how I got here." Felicity said, tears streaming down her cheeks. "Why did I stay with him so long? Why did I not realize sooner how unhappy I was? If only I could go back and tell myself to end it six months ago…I'm so stupid, so very stupid." She sobbed, then to Ben's surprise, turned her body towards him and wrapped one arm across his midsection as if he was a pillow.

In response, Ben wrapped his free arm around her. "Lissie, everything will be okay, don't worry." He rubbed her back, marveling at how natural this motion felt to him. "Just follow what your heart tells you."

"How am I going to be able to stand up to Mother and Father?" Felicity sniffled again, then pressed her face into Ben's side. She spoke again with a muffled voice, "they are already so disappointed in me; they know, they all know…" She sobbed.

"The hard part is already done. You have already told your mother what you want. The seed has been planted. Above all, she loves you and wants you to be happy. You perchance just took her by surprise. In fact, I believe she will agree that you need to turn down the offer of engagement." He smiled, continuing, "And come on Lissie, in all of the years I have been here, I have never once seen your father say no to you or react with disappointment towards you. Not once! Why, I'll bet that he goes to Joseph and turns down the offer for you the moment he hears from your mother about what you said!"

"Well, there was that one time when I forgot my grandmother's guitar….." Felicity trailed off. She looked at him and gave a grateful smile, but did not let go.

Ben reflected on the scene, how he and Felicity laid together so intimately, wrapped in each other's arms. He tried to focus on just this physical interaction, beating back the urge to ask Felicity about what her thoughts were on him.

 _She has enough emotional issues to deal with right now. She does not need yours._

 _When can I ask?_

 _When Joseph is out of the picture. From the looks of things, it will be soon._

As he vowed to himself that he would be patient, Felicity held onto him just a little tighter.

Author's notes:

1) Breakups are confusing. No matter how clear cut they seem like they should be, it always turns into a damn mess.

2) I know I promised a fight, but I felt like the above scene was important too.


	4. Chapter 4

Ben dragged up a chair across from the sofa in the Merriman's sitting room, sat down in it, and looked straight at Nan. She looked up briefly from her sewing and gave him a smirk, then looked back down at her sampler.

Ben smiled inwardly at this interaction. The holier-than-thou, tattletale-prone Nan that he remembered from back before the war had taken on a bit of a twisted persona as she got older. At one point, Felicity had described Nan as a Queen Bee. Ben had not known what that meant, and Felicity did not explain it well. But he was starting to piece it together. It seemed like Nan enjoyed stirring up mild trouble among her many, many friends, but such as long as it did not involve or reflect on her. Despite this, he knew she had a quick wit and fierce loyalty to her family. He forced a stern look, and cleared his throat.

She looked up at him, and held up her sampler. "Do you like this one? I think it has turned out rather well." Ben considered it. It was a simple piece of work, depicting what looked to be violets and roses.

"Hm," Ben considered it, "'Tis very nice. You've made quite an improvement." Nan stared at him. "Improvement from what? You've not seen any of my earlier samples."

Ben corrected himself, "Forgive me. Perhaps I'm confusing your samplers with Lissie's." Nan gave a short laugh, busying herself again. "It is always so hilarious to look back at Lissie's work. In fact, it is also hilarious to look at her recent work. Anyways," She fixed Ben with a pointed gaze, "was there something you wanted to speak to me about?"

"Oh," Ben sat up a little straighter. Nan had the habit of putting people off guard. "I had an odd encounter yesterday with one of your friends at your father's store. She mentioned something you had said. I'm a little concerned for her; is there something you could clear up?"

Nan raised an eyebrow. "Which friend was it?"

"Felicity told me that her name was Sylvie." Ben replied, and Nan smiled. "Tell me what happened."

"Well, she came in supposedly looking for nutmeg, but it took a couple of tries to get that information from her, as she would only stare at her feet and mumble all of her words. Then she suddenly looked me right in the eye, demanded that I stop calling her 'miss', and asked me repeatedly if I knew what her name was."

Nan learned forward, grinning. "Well, did you know her name?"

Ben sighed, "Afraid not." He admitted. "In fact, I'm not even sure that I knew it in the first place."

Nan laughed, and Ben caught the amused sparkle in her eyes. "I'm sure that you did not know it, because she was always too cowardly to talk to you! Anyways, do go on! What happened when you told her that you hadn't the faintest idea?"

Ben suddenly felt a bit guilty, as he realized that Nan seemed to be reveling in poor Sylvie's public outburst. He pressed on, trying to minimize the girl's emotional display. "She became a little distraught, and told me that I broke her heart. She said that it was over something you told her. So, I'm curious to know, did you tell her something about me?"

"Is that it?" Nan looked a little disappointed. "She outright told you that you broke her heart?"

Ben tilted his head, considering. He knew that Nan was looking for more details, and decided he would not indulge her. "What did you tell her about me?" He was about to ask her exactly _why_ she talked about him, but decided to hold off.

"Well, I told her that you were in love with Felicity." Nan said nonchalantly.

Ben blinked. "What? He gripped the armrests of the chair. "What did you say?"

Nan looked him straight in the eye, and repeated herself. "I told her that you loved Felicity."

"Nan, you didn't!" Ben protested, "Why did you do that? You know that could cause a lot of trouble, for me and for Felicity!" His heart pounded in his chest. "And Sylvie…don't you think you are being a little cruel to your friend?"

Nan leaned back in her seat, and looked up towards the ceiling, "You don't know how irritating she always is, always coming over here or the store, hoping she would find you. I think she only wishes to be my friend to be close to you, don't you see it? I wouldn't mind so much if she was fun, but she makes for rather dull company. So, few days ago I decided to put an end to it." She sat back up and tilted her head knowingly. "You could even say that this was for her own good. Now she can find something else to obsess over."

"But Felicity….? You know she has a suitor…." Ben said weakly.

Nan rolled her eyes. "Oh come off of it. Did she explicitly mention Lissie? If she did not, there is no problem. And even if she did, then who is going to believe the poor ninny?"

Ben sighed and ran a hand though his hair, smoothing back a few strands that had come free from his hair tie. It wasn't his place to chastise Nan. He could tell Felicity, and she would likely box her sister's ears, but he was not sure what that would accomplish. He looked back at Nan, and noted her smug smile.

"Right then," Ben stood up, "If you excuse me, I best be getting to the store." Nan nodded, grinning wider. He realized that he had not denied Nan's allegations of being in love with Felicity, but it felt a little pointless to bring it up.

Felicity sat in her father's study and fidgeted with the point of a quill. At the back of her mind she knew that there was residual ink staining her fingers, but that was not important now. Across from her sat her mother, and in a few minutes time her father would be joining them to speak on a very important manner.

It was all very silly, she figured. She didn't know why her mother thought to make this whole ordeal so important as to schedule a meeting in her father's study. Perhaps it was to make her realize that this was indeed a very serious time.

 _But it is a very serious time. You are being foolish and you should treat it as such._

Felicity shook her head slightly to get rid of the dissenting voice, and focused on what Ben had told her. _You should follow what your heart tells you_. He had said, as he rubbed her back. She simply saw no way forward with Joseph.

Now, to make her mother and father see it. First of all, there was no reason to be apprehensive. She decidedly put down the quill, and looked at her mother in the eye. "I feel as though I am in trouble. Is this feeling justified?" She asked plaintively.

Her mother gave her a slight smile. "No, you are not in trouble Lissie. Your father and I just wanted to speak with you to get an idea of your plans. We want to be sure you are making the correct decisions for your life."

Felicity nodded. She knew her mother meant to be reassuring, but she wasn't buying it. She felt the need to pick up the quill once again, but suppressed this impulse and spoke again. "I simply don't understand why this has to be so…so… _official_." As soon as the words were out of her mouth, she realized how petulant they sounded. Still, she itched to leap up from the chair, flee out the door, run to the stables, and ride Penny beyond the colonies to the western wilderness.

But, she knew it wouldn't take long before she got lonely, even with Penny. At this, a fleeting image of Ben riding alongside her flew through her mind.

Felicity did not have time to process this thought before the door swung open and her father walked in. He nodded and smiled at Martha and Felicity, who grinned back more nervously than she would have liked. He took a seat next to Martha, and they both looked at Felicity. Her father wasted no time in getting to it. "Lissie, your mother tells me that you are considering breaking off your courtship with Joseph. I'm aware that you know by now he has asked your mother and I for your hand in marriage, and we have both given our consent. I wish we had known about your hesitation towards him; perhaps we would have thought twice. Lissie, would you explain your feelings on your courtship and the engagement?" Felicity saw nothing threatening in her father's eyes, only confusion.

After explaining it to Ben, and Elizabeth, and her Mother, and Ben for the second time, Felicity had grown weary of re-hashing her feelings. Yet, she knew that this is when it really mattered. She decided to start off with an example.

"Don't you and mother think it is a little odd that he spoke to you about an official engagement, without first asking me what I thought of the idea? Nan was actually the first person to tell me about it, and I did not believe her in the slightest!"

"Aye, that is true." Edward said. "We were both surprised to hear that Joseph had not asked your first."

Martha injected, "Do you think it is possible that he may have brought it up to you, but you did not hear him?"

Felicity made a face, "No, no, Mother, that is absurd. I do not simply just tune him out."

"Lissie, watch your tone." Martha replied, frowning. Felicity bit her tongue, making a note to stay pleasant and forthright. She decided to continue, "You can see that is just one example of how he does not seem to value my opinions."

"Are there more examples?" Her father asked. Felicity read his expression as being curious.

"Yes, more than I can count, but nothing so concrete." Felicity was not sure that she could tell individual stories without sounding petulant and entitled. "It's just….it's just that he is always talking to me as if I am a child. He does not value my ideas or my opinions or my mind. And when I am around him, I feel like I cannot value myself anymore. I simply am not happy in his company, and I cannot marry him." She was sure to hold her parents gaze.

Edward Merriman looked at Martha, and nodded. "Well there we have it." Felicity allowed herself a small smile, relief washing over her. He continued, "but Lissie, as your mother was referring to earlier, things might be a bit different for you." Felicity sat up straighter, fully expecting what was to come next.

Martha spoke up. "You know that it does not look good for you, to break off a courtship. People will talk about you, and wonder what may have happened. You may not be able to find a new suitor for awhile, but in the case that you do, word will spread that you are tempestuous. Do you understand, my daughter?" Felicity nodded slowly. She knew that this was the case, but could not help but feel apprehensive.

Martha continued. "You will have to work extra hard to earn back your reputation. And keep this in mind. It is not just a reflection of you, it is also a reflection on all of us. Myself and your father, Nan, William, and Polly. Perhaps it even reflects on Ben." Felicity flinched at this. _Oh Mother, if you knew the full truth of it._

"I understand, and I welcome the opportunity to prove myself." Felicity said solemnly. She continued, choosing her words carefully. "Please know how happy and blessed I feel to have parents that understand me and are looking out for my happiness."

Her mother took her hand. "Of course we want you to be happy, Lissie. Forgive us if we seem sad over this. We did very much like Joseph, and we will miss him. But this leads us to the most important part: You will have to tell Joseph that you will not marry him; your father and I cannot do it for you. And you had best do it soon; if Elizabeth knows, and Ben knows, and Nan probably has figured it out by now…" She trailed off, then continued, "You have to take care so that he is not upset about it; he does not seem the type to lash out in anger but this is a serious case."

Felicity swallowed nervously. She previously had daydreams about finally telling Joseph off, but now that it was a task she had to handle delicately, it felt like to much more of an ordeal. Still, she felt relieved to have gotten the message through to her parents. She spoke, "Yes, yes I will. I'll be seeing him tomorrow, and I hope the moment will be right."

"You cannot just wait for a right moment, dear Lissie," Her mother said with a smile that was almost sad, "With many things the right moment does not exist. You have to stand up and be brave. And that, my Daughter, is what I know you can do best."

A bit later, Felicity was in up in her room, idly flipping through the various letters she had collected from Ben over the past two weeks. She had come up to change into an older gown that she didn't mind getting grubby, but she figured the garden would not get up and walk away in her absence.

She knew that young women who broke off long courtships often had a bad reputation foisted upon them, but had always dismissed it as silly. She didn't see why this had to be, for wasn't it wise to end a courtship if one was unhappy? Why continue leading the fellow on? Wouldn't it be a dishonest act to say wedding vows to someone you did not want to marry? She knew in her heart that this was the right thing to do, yet, she knew it was important to preserve her reputation for the sake of her parents.

This left her with a bit of an impasse with Ben. She had warned him of the potential repercussions for them both if they were to form a couple, yet he had just smiled. Then again, while taking a rest during their ride yesterday she had brought her concerns up again. Yet, she felt as though he did not take her seriously. Perhaps it was time to have another serious talk with him.

She had separated a few letters out from her collection; ones that she liked to re-read to lift her spirits. She unfolded one, taking care as to not cause too much wear on the creases of the paper.

 _October 30_ _th_ _, 1779_

 _Dearest Lissie,_

 _The days are starting to get shorter now and I can feel the cold seeping in very gradually. I remember you telling me that this was your most favorite time of year and seeing you as the Autumn Maiden has made you, Lissie, and the season to be one and the same._

 _I am still reconciling the two images I have of you in my mind. I remember you as I first left Williamsburg; you were twelve years old and trying not to cry as I was packing my things. That was the final image I had of you for quite some time. You were so young at that point! Now I have seen you as a young woman, and I wonder, how did this happen? Would this have had the same effect on me if I had never left?_

 _I must think about these questions more, but in the meanwhile I will tell you that Autumn is now my favorite season as well._

 _Think well on me,_

 _Ben Davidson_

Felicity folded the letter up, and placed it on the top of the neat stack. He had written it just weeks after Publick Times that year, and to Felicity, it suggested that he was starting to think of her in a more-than-friendship way. So she figured it was not likely that Elizabeth's prediction about Ben only loving her after seeing her with another man was true.

She pulled out her gardening gown and laid it on her bed, figuring she had best get started. Ben would return from work in the late afternoon, and she would see to it that they spoke before dinner.

Since the store had not been so busy, Edward had released Ben early from work for the day. Ben walked back to the Merriman's house slowly, making an effort to tolerate the heat of the late afternoon. As he walked, he thought back to a few hours prior, when he had helped out Elizabeth Cole at the store. The conversation and exchange had not been unusual, although Ben could tell that something was a bit different, almost as if Elizabeth was suspicious of him. Ben knew that Felicity had visited with Elizabeth yesterday morning, and he could almost guarantee that it had something to do with her. Either way, he had always gotten along well with Elizabeth, so the idea that she might think poorly of him stung a little.

As he opened the gate to the Merriman property, he saw Felicity poke her head up at him from somewhere in the middle of the unruly pumpkin vines. He grinned, reminded of a guilty rabbit intruder. Felicity smiled back to him, and lifted a muddy hand to beckon him closer.

He approached her, and bowed low. "Good afternoon Miss Merriman! Your garden is looking very respectable!" In the past, the Merrimans had paid particular attention to the creation of a tidy garden with heaps of flowers, but in the effort to produce as many fruits and vegetables as possible with all of the shortages, proper organization had been forgone and Felicity sat in the middle of a mess of greenery.

Felicity laughed, and responded in kind. "Good afternoon to you too Mr. Davidson! Thank you for such a nice compliment!" She stood up, wiped her hands on a rag, then picked up the edges of her gown and walked carefully over to him. "You're back early."

"Aye," Ben replied. The store was not so busy so your father sent me on my way. He mentioned a few repairs that needed to be done around the stables and the house so I suppose I'll have to earn my keep that way."

Felicity gave him a half smile, then looked down, shuffling her feet a bit.

Ben immediately noticed her change in demeanor. "Everything alright with you Lissie?" He asked, concerned.

"Could we talk for a few minutes?" Felicity asked, then added, "It's a little important."

Ben was not at all surprised to hear this, especially given what they had spoken about during yesterday's ride. "Of course we can talk." He looked around. "Somewhere private?"

Felicity looked him in the eye. "Could we go to your room?"

"Uh," Ben glanced in the direction of his loft. Felicity had been up to his loft more than a few times, yet for some reason it felt a bit, perhaps, _serious_ this time? That, and he wasn't quite sure the last time he had tidied it up. He looked back at her, and saw that she was biting her lip in that way that girls often did when they wanted something. Of course she would get it. "Yes, I agree that would be best."

At the top of the stairs, Ben gestured to hold Felicity back, then entered the room and quickly pulled a blanket across the bed, tossed a few clothes into a basket, and gathered his books and papers into a single stack on his desk. He then opened the door and gestured for her to enter. She did, smiling at his behavior all the while. In the room, they took their usual places with Felicity sitting on his bed, while Ben turned his desk chair around to face her.

Felicity wasted no time. "I had this frighteningly…. _official_ meeting with my mother and father, in which we discussed my courtship with Joseph, and they agreed that I should end it." She took a deep breath, and Ben felt a big smile spread across his face. "Well, that's good…you see? Your parents want you to be happy above all else." Felicity stared down at her lap, saying nothing else. Her fingers, which were never idle, twisted around themselves. Ben noticed this and took a small wooden horse off his desk and handed it to her so that she could have something to hold. He then stood up, and sat down next to her on the bed.

She looked back up at him and smiled gratefully, then continued. "That was decided on very quickly. The remainder of the conversation was informing me that I may not get any more offers of courtship anytime soon, but if I do very soon, it will suggest that I am tempestuous, how this could damage my reputation, and so on, and so forth."

Ben nodded. "Aye, but I think it won't be so much trouble." He smiled. "My parents gave this same talk to my sister, Anna. She then continued to break off so many more courtships…" He shook his head, remembering the various suitors that came in and out of the Davidson's lives for nearly three years.

Felicity smiled at the mention of Anna. Ben knew that she and Anna had built a good friendship and often exchanged letters. "Aye, I can imagine that. Your mother and your sisters seem to live by their own rules." She looked at him, and continued. "Ben, the point that my mother and father emphasized was that my decision in this matter would reflect on them, as well as my siblings, and perhaps even you."

Ben pressed his lips together, thinking about that last statement. "You think that I care that this might hurt my reputation? Lissie, get serious with me."

Felicity frowned. "I care." She said, very straightforwardly. "So, I think you should care too." She continued, narrowing her eyes ever so slightly at him. "My mother and father have been so understanding with me, I must do right by them. I want you to understand."

Ben sighed, realizing that she was absolutely in the right. "I do understand Lissie." They both fell silent for a moment, and Ben considered the implications of Felicity's words. It was looking like Felicity was going to be avoiding any sort of relationship for the known future.

He swallowed, and allowed his thoughts to tumble out. "So…forgive me, Lissie….but I must know….what does that mean for us?" He felt a lump forming in his throat and was dismayed.

 _Damn it, why do I cry so easily?_

Felicity looked at him with wide eyes and grasped his hand. "Please don't be disheartened!" She could read him way too easily. "You know that I want…" she blushed slightly and struggled to find the right words, "…that…if I judge by how I feel when I am around someone, I know that I am happiest around you. So….I think that….I want to be with you."

 _I want to be with you._ Ben repeated this phrase to himself in his mind, as the words reached clarity. "Really? You mean it?" He grinned, feeling tears prickling his eyes, which he did not mind in the least.

"Aye." Felicity said, a smile breaking out on her face. She reached out, and he gently took her hand and pressed his lips against it, then guided it to rest on his cheek, just as she had done the night of the tavern brawl. She leaned in very close to him, and they both hesitated for just a moment, before Ben closed the gap and kissed her. Unsure that it was the right thing to do, he decided to pull away, but then Felicity wrapped her arms around his upper back and returned the kiss, pressing against him so intensely that he thought for a moment he might fall backwards. His hands found her waist, and he trailed one hand up her back to the nape of her neck.

After several moments he broke away and leaned in to kiss her neck. She sighed in delight and laid backwards onto the bed, pulling him down over her. He propped himself up by his elbows, and studied her face. She wore a blissful smile, and her bright green eyes sparkled. 'What?" She asked, blushing a little under his gaze. "Nothing," he shook his head and smiled. "I'm just admiring you, that's all."

She chuckled, then wrapped her arms around his upper back once more, guiding him closer. "Come here." She simply said before they kissed again. Ben put his arms around her shoulders and rolled them both over so that now she was on top of him, and their roles were switched. Now she was the one studying his face. He smiled and implored her, "Say it to me again, the last thing you told me before….this."

Felicity thought for a moment, her eyes looking skyward and her mouth quirked into a smile. She then looked him right in the eye and grinned, whispering, "I want to be with you."

If it was at all possible, Ben would have sworn that he melted right into the bed. "Honestly and truly?" He asked. Felicity leaned in to kiss him again, but hesitated right before. She then diverted to bury her face into his neck, and spoke again with a voice that was muffled, yet forthright. "Honestly and truly. You are mine!"

Before he had time to consider the implications of those words, a voice outside called out. "Felicity? _Lissie_!"

It was Nan. Startled, Felicity sat upright and called back. " _I'm up here_!" She promptly clapped her hands over her mouth at her error.

Ben barked a laugh at this and shook his head. He didn't know if he should panic and hide, or…let Nan come to her own conclusions. Felicity looked down at him with wide eyes, "You had best get up! And….and your shirt! It's all muddy!"

"Oh!" Ben sat up and looked down at himself. Felicity's soiled gardening clothes had definitely rubbed off on him as well as his bed. He started fruitlessly trying to brush himself off.

Nan called up, "What are you doing in Ben's loft? Is Ben there too?" She continued, "Lissie, you said you would come and do the mending after you were finished with the garden! I have plans you know!"

"Put on a different shirt!" Felicity hissed at him. She bent down at the basket and started rummaging around, tossing articles of clothing out as she searched. Outside, they both heard Nan's footsteps climbing up the stairs. She found one, then held it up at Ben. "Here!"

Ben started to unbutton his shirt, fingers fumbling as he raced through the task. From the sounds of it, Nan was almost outside the door. Felicity frantically pulled his shirttail out, and then roughly yanked the partially-unbuttoned shirt up and over his head with such a force that they both heard a tear. "Hey!" Ben protested. "I'll mend it!" Felicity hissed back. She tossed the shirt that she had found to him, then ran to turn the quilt over. Ben was grateful that this new shirt had no buttons, and could quickly be pulled over his head. He was smoothing his hair out just as Nan knocked on the door. "Why is this door closed? What are you both doing in here?"

"Come on in Nan," Ben said, making an effort to use an even voice. She swung the door open and looked at the scene. Felicity sat on the bed with her hands clasped in her lap while Ben sat several paces away at his desk. Nan rolled her eyes at them. "I swear to God Lissie, you are _never_ working. Now, please please _please_ would you take over the mending so I may go and spend some time with a few of my dear friends?"

"Yes, Nan, I was just on my way to start in with it. Ben and I were just discussing-"

Nan cut in. "I care very little about what you both are talking about." She thought for a moment. "Or doing. Or whatever! Just get started, or Mother will have both of us whipped."

Ben inwardly flinched at Nan's words. It seemed as though she had an idea of what may have been happening. He remembered their conversation earlier, about how Nan had told Sylvie of his love for Felicity. He looked at Felicity, and was surprised to see her laugh at Nan's snippiness. "Calm your breeches dear sister! Mother is so very impressed by how you have been doing all of my chores that I'm sure she would let you be the one to brandish the whip!"

"Fine. Just as long as she knows which one of us is worth our salt." Sniffed Nan. Felicity frowned, speaking up. "I'll have you know that I spent the last several hours working in the garden." "Obviously!" Nan shot back, "Look at you! Were you rolling around in the mud?" Felicity gave her a defiant smile. "I practically had to do so in order to stay cool! You should be grateful that I agree to do the hard, uncomfortable work while you can sit in the parlor, sipping lemonade!" Nan ignored this last comment, and looked around the room, which once again had clothes strewn about. "Why is it such a mess in here?" She fixated on Ben, "and did you realize that your shirt is torn?"

Ben looked down, realizing that he had put on the shirt that had been torn during the brawl at the tavern. He cursed himself for not bothering to get it mended.

The faintest smile passed over Nan's face, but she suppressed it as soon as it surfaced. "Just attend to the mending." She said to Felicity, "Or Mother will know why exactly it is not done."

Felicity merely smiled at this threat, "I do sincerely hope that you calm yourself. You don't want to be taking that sour disposition out calling."

Nan pointed at Felicity, her mouth opening, then closing again. She dropped her hand at her side, then turned on her heel and left, slamming the door behind her.

Felicity sighed with relief and turned to Ben. "That was close!" "Aye!" Agreed Ben. He shook his head. "I'm always so amazed watching you two verbally spar with one another." Felicity smiled. "She thinks she can outsmart and control everyone around her, so I need to remind her in so many ways that I am the eldest."

"Lissie, it seems as though Nan had an inkling as to what was going on in here." Ben said. "No, no, I highly doubt it." Felicity said confidently, "otherwise we would have gotten quite a different reaction." She thought for a moment, then nodded, "Yes, I believe she has no clue." Ben considered bringing up the conversation he had earlier with Nan, but decided against it. He considered another loose end. "Well, what about William? He may have heard us that night after the tavern." Felicity laughed. "Even if he did hear us, William knows by now not to cross me."

Ben shook his head in disbelief, not wanting to know this particular backstory. "Honestly…the three of you….I feel as though I am witnessing the members of the Continental Congress in action." Felicity grinned at him. "Am I to believe that you never fought with your sisters?" Ben considered this, "No, they were all much older than me. So, I witnessed many fights among themselves, but I was always immune." He thought for a moment more, "Maybe that is not completely true. In fact, they waited until I was older, then all ganged up on me. But, it was never serious. Most of the time I just simply get wrestled to the ground as soon as I walk in the door." He smiled at the memories, and Felicity laughed. "How ladylike!"

The two of them lapsed into silence for a moment, and Ben looked up to see Felicity watching him, a twinkle in her eye. He smiled at her and felt himself blush, and Felicity spoke up. "So…now what do we do?"

Ben felt as though they had this conversation before. And, while it was true that they had to be discreet for the time being, he believed that the same course remained. He leaned forward, just as he did as he spoke to Felicity the night after the tavern brawl, and said the same words. "So, when are you breaking off your courtship?"

Felicity replied without hesitation. "There is dancing tomorrow night in the public square, and I'll be going with Joseph. I'll speak with him then." She said, nervousness creeping in to her voice. Ben squeezed her hand. She smiled at him, and stood up. "I suppose I best get to mending, and you should get your chores done too."

"Right." Ben released her hand, and she turned towards the door. He thought for a moment, then called out to her, "Lissie, there is one more thing. While sorting through my desk earlier, I came across one more letter that had become separated from the stack. I would like to give it to you." She turned around as he stood up and opened his desk drawer, then pulled out the letter. There was a twinge of guilt as he realized that this was a bit of a lie by omission; he had been the one to separate the letter from the stack some time ago. He now realized that Felicity should have it.

She took the letter and tucked it into the pocket of her apron. "Thank you. I have been a little sad that there are no more letters to read. But, I then tell myself that I have you here, in front of me. That itself is worth a thousand letters." Ben felt warmth spread through his chest at these words, and before he could reply, Felicity kissed him quickly on the lips, briefly touched his cheek, and ran out the door.

Author's notes:

1) It is not my intention to make Nan into a villain. I believe that these are normal tweenage sibling mannerisms.

2) Martha and Edward Merriman don't actually whip their children.

3) I originally planned a different ending to this chapter, but it was taking way too long to get there. So, I split it in half. Hopefully I can get this updated soon!

4) I couldn't think of a decent chapter summary to leave on top of the story. The best I could come up with was "Felicity talks with her parents, and spends more quality time with Ben." It sounds boring, so I left it off. Other prefaces that did not make the cut were "Felicity antagonizes Nan," or, "Gotta earn that Teen rating!" No good.

5) In the next chapter, we finally see Joseph again. Really!


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N:** This chapter is written entirely in Felicity's POV.

Felicity pulled her hair tie out, then ran her fingers through her hair to undo her loose braid. In a few minutes, Joseph would arrive at the house, and they would go together for music and dancing in the public square. This was a common thing that the two of them would always do together, as Felicity had delighted in the fact that Joseph also enjoyed dancing and she always had great fun with him on these evenings.

However, tonight was a different story. She had made the decision to break it off with Joseph, and it had to be done soon. She picked up a hair brush and worked it through her hair, taking extra care with the tangles. As she did this, her mind went to consider how the conversation would play out. The best case scenario would be that Joseph would talk down to her as he was often prone to doing. At this point, she would be justified in getting angry, they would argue, and she would tell him that she couldn't continue the courtship.

 _Easy as pie._

But what if Joseph didn't upset her? How would she begin this conversation? Perhaps…perhaps she would try to make him upset. There had to be something she could do to set him off. She smiled with some bitterness as she realized that she never had any difficulty with annoying him previously, so why would tonight be any different?

On the opposite side, the worst case scenario would be for Joseph to officially ask for her hand before anything. Then what would she do? She vowed to herself that she would promptly end the courtship, lest she let it turn into an engagement.

She took a deep breath to try and rid herself of her nervousness, then put down the hair brush and studied her reflection in the mirror. It was strange; the hundreds of childish freckles she had worn as far back as she could remember had all but faded to a few sprinkling across her nose within the past year. She had always wanted to be rid of them, but now that she realized they were gone, she felt a bit...odd. Suddenly, she wished she was once again nine years old, when her biggest problem was the tons of freckles smattered across her face.

 _Is this what adults mean when they complain about getting old?_

She remembered back to that night a few weeks prior as she explained to Ben that as an adult, she would have to settle down and marry. At this point she had been truly resigned to an eventual marriage with Joseph. Never at any time did she dwell heavily on if being Joseph's wife would make her truly happy, since after all, she would still have her books, and Penny, and she would be able to call on her family at any time. And Joseph….it was not that she disliked him, but, she figured that the initial infatuation she felt with him would return with marriage. He was a good, kind man, and she felt that he would be a good husband and eventually, a wonderful father.

This all changed when Ben told her of his feelings for her. At first she had been incredulous due to the fact that she had provoked him into confessing everything, but it all added up. He always listened to her, he knew all of her likes and dislikes, and most importantly, he spoke to, no, _spoke with_ her as if she were his intellectual equal. Then, there were the letters. As she read them, it became obvious that she was constantly on his thoughts during his final year as a soldier.

 _Perhaps my folly these past two weeks was comparing Joseph to Ben._

Felicity tied her hair back once again as she mentally prepared herself to take Joseph's arm. In the back of her mind, she knew that she had committed a grievous misdeed by kissing Ben while already being spoken for, yet, she did not feel guilty in the slightest. She thought back to how she had tossed all abandon aside to enthusiastically put her arms around Ben, pull him close, and most importantly, declare that he belonged to her. Her mind wandered to the other times in which they had carried on with what could be interpreted as a more-than-friends manner, such as holding hands while walking home from her father's store, and laying in his arms while they rested during their ride.

The answer was clear. For some reason, nothing she ever did with Ben felt wrong. He was indeed hers, and now she would be his. She blushed a bit as she remembered sitting across from him during dinner both the previous night and just over an hour ago, exchanging knowing glances and hidden smiles, and she looked toward the next opportunity to be in his arms once again.

She tied a mob cap onto her head, and pulled a few strands of hair loose so that they would frame her face. She gave a reflection in the mirror a smile, then walked downstairs. Joseph was sitting in the parlor with her mother and father. He stood and grinned at her, "My dear Lissie! You look lovely as always!" She returned the smile, and glanced at her parents. Her father's expression was unreadable, but her mother gave her a nod and an ever-so-slight smile. Felicity interpreted this as a look of encouragement.

 _Encouragement for what, exactly?_

She took a shawl from the tree rack and wrapped it around herself, as Joseph walked to her and offered his arm. She smiled at him and took it, then looked back at her parents. "Good-bye!" "Good night, Mr., Mrs. Merriman. I'll have her back in a few hours." Joseph added, smiling all the while.

They walked in silence for a few moments before Joseph paused and turned towards her, then took both of her hands. "Felicity, I owe you an apology. I've not been around to call on you often the past few weeks, and if I have been, I worry that I have been rather short with you." He removed his hat, and ran a hand through his chin-length blonde hair. "There have been so many wounded and ill soldiers returning that I have been so busy working, and it has had a very exhausting effect on me, both physically and emotionally."

Felicity suddenly felt a little ashamed. Of course Joseph had been off doing very important work. She chose her words carefully. "I hope to God the carnage stops soon." "Aye." Joseph agreed. He looked towards the sky for a moment, then back at Felicity. "I sometimes wish my line of work had regular hours. I must be available at all hours of the night, and often for days at an end!" He shook his head, "but never mind all of that, it is my burden to bear and I should not be taking it out on you. Please forgive me, and I'll make it up to you."

Felicity sighed, not expecting this. It was on the tip of her tongue to inform him that she could not deal with a man who projected his difficulties on to her, and that she would have to deny his chance at redemption. She looked at him, and took note of the concern in his wide blue eyes. She knew that he detected her hesitation by the way that his grip on her hands tightened ever so slightly.

What kind of person would she be if she was to deny a man asking for forgiveness? She shifted uncomfortably as her courage drained. This moment was not ideal, but that did not mean she would agree to forgive him so easily. "You wish that people only got sick or hurt between the hours of eight in the morning and no later than five in the afternoon? Then your life would be much easier?" She raised an eyebrow at him quizzically, hoping to convey her message.

Joseph gave a short, uncomfortable laugh. "It's a silly thought, isn't it? I knew that my work would be like this, so I should be fine with it." Felicity remained silent, looking away. This was when Joseph would typically inform her that she was lucky not to have to worry about work, or money, or war, or anything at all, really. But, no follow-up came. Joseph touched her shoulder, "Lissie?" He questioned, furrowing his brow slightly.

Slightly disappointed, Felicity gave him a half-smile, and stated "Let's just get to the dancing." The night was young, and another opportunity to discuss her decision for sure would arise at some point during the evening. "But of course." Joseph released her hands, and offered his arm so that they could continue on the way.

The sounds of the drums, fiddles, guitar, and flute became audible as they approached the square, uplifting Felicity's spirits. She grinned widely as she recognized the song, and felt compelled to run and catch the end of it. She still got these impulses to break into a run with excitement as she did when she was a girl, but it had been pounded into her head to bury them. But now, she figured, what did she have to lose? This could be one more thing to alienate Joseph.

She let go of Joseph's arm, and instead grabbed his hand. "How I love this song! Let's hurry to catch the rest of it." With her free hand holding up the side of her gown, she broke into a sprint, pulling him along the way. At the square, she released Joseph's hand and dashed up to the platform where the dancing was taking place, taking the steps two at a time. It was then she turned to look at Joseph. It was on her mind that he would be slightly annoyed to have been pulled along, and she was surprised to see him flushed and holding down his tri-cornered hat, yet still grinning widely at her. The concerned look in his eyes was gone, and he grabbed her hand to twirl her around. Caught up in the music, Felicity spun in time, then quick-stepped around him in a circle while holding her gown on both sides. He offered his elbow to her again, and she linked arms with him as they circled again.

After a few more moments, the song ended and the crowd applauded. Felicity curtseyed to Joseph and he bowed in kind. It hadn't taken long for her to remember how much she liked dancing with him. She hadn't forgotten the task at hand, but, she figured that she could enjoy these last few hours of their relationship. She continued to skip, twirl, and quick-step with Joseph as the night wore on.

After several more songs, the fiddle player put his instrument down, and clapped his hands to get everyone's attention. Felicity recognized him as Walter's cousin. He gestured to himself and spoke. "My apologizes to all of you fine ladies and gentlemen, but, I must give fair warning." Laughter sprung from the crowd, and Felicity smiled. She did not know Will extremely well, but she knew him enough to recognize that he was always quick with a self-deprecating joke. He continued, "I've been practicing my singing voice for quite some time now, and I have decided that it is time enough for me to force it all upon you. So without further ado," He held his palms up to the crowd, "….please forgive me." The guitars started an upbeat tune, and Will began to sing.

 _Peaches in the summertime,_

 _Apples in the fall!_

 _If I can't get the girl I love,_

 _I don't want none at all._

Felicity cheered along with the crowd at Will's clear, commanding voice, then turned to join hands with Joseph. Will continued,

 _Shady Grove, my little love,_

 _Shady Grove I say,_

 _Shady Grove, my little love_

 _I'm bound to go away._

The crowd formed two lines, and Felicity stepped and spun with Joseph and alternatively the unknown fellow next to him.

 _Cheeks as red as a bloomin' rose_

 _Eyes of the prettiest brown_

 _She's the darling of my heart,_

 _Sweetest little girl in town_

The fellow returned her to the line, and she reached for Joseph's familiar arms. He spun her around, and in doing so, placed a hand on her back to guide her back into place.

 _Some come here to fiddle and dance_

 _Some come here to tarry_

 _Some come here to fiddle and dance,_

 _I come here to marry_

Felicity caught Joseph's eye as she returned to the women's line, and noticed that he was staring at her rather intently. An uneasy feeling traveled down her spine, and she missed a few beats of the dance. She looked down at her feet as he took her hand again and awkwardly twirled her around, making her stumble a bit. Noticing her unease, Joseph grabbed her by the shoulders to support her and guide her out of the line, giving Felicity a fleeting impulse to shake herself free. She took a deep breath, unsure of what made her feel so skittish, and let him lead her away from the crowd and down the platform stairs.

"Lissie?" Joseph asked with concern, "Is everything okay? You looked to be having a fantastic time, and then you just…faltered." Felicity leaned against one of the wooden posts and closed her eyes, deciding that it had to be now. She opened her eyes to see Joseph staring at her in a really odd manner. Not concern but….was he thinking something over?

"Hm? Just what are you thinking about?" Asked Felicity, momentarily distracted by his quizzical expression. Joseph continued to study her for a few more seconds before replying, "May I try something?"

Slightly taken back, Felicity replied, "Beg pardon? What do you want to try?"

"Just relax." Joseph reached out and gently touched his fingers to the sides of her neck. Typically that was a sensitive area on her and she would often flinch away, but in this instance he used just the right amount of touch and pressure so that it felt soothing. He continued to move his fingers as if he was playing a harpsichord, and Felicity closed her eyes in response. He then placed one of his palms on one of her shoulders and using a bit of pressure, he traced the index and middle finger from his opposite hand up and down the slope of her neck to her opposite shoulder before switching sides. Admittedly, it felt wonderful.

Joseph spoke. "I recently got possession of a book that focuses on the muscles of the human body, and how they all are interconnected. It is fascinating to me, and I'm trying to figure out what effect our muscles have on our well-being."

"Oh?" Felicity asked, interested. "I would very much like to see that book."

Joseph laughed, "Of course you may borrow it. I've told you time and again that you needn't just steal my books!" He looked deep into her eyes as he traced his fingers around to probe the back of her neck, as if he was gauging her reaction. His fingers hit a point of pressure right at the nape of her neck, and she closed her eyes as tension that she did not realize had been at her temples released all at once.

"Ah-ha!" Joseph said, and Felicity opened her eyes to see that he was smiling widely. He continued, "We don't give much thought to the muscles in our neck, and how hard they work to support our heads. I know that if we carry around too much worry in our lives, we furrow our brows, clench our teeth, tense our shoulders…." He trailed off, using the fingers in one to gently press the knotted muscle in her upper back, then worked his fingers in a circle as if he were stirring a cup of tea. He continued, "Then again, the muscles in our neck are built to support our heads. That is their purpose. Perhaps….perhaps if we do not hold our heads correctly, then we end up using muscles that are not in fact supposed to support our heads." Both of his hands now moved to her shoulders and upper back, kneading out the tension that seemed to have taken up near-permanent residence on her shoulders.

"However…," it was if he was thinking out loud, "…I don't believe that you are holding your head incorrectly because you carry yourself like a queen! There is definitely something amiss. I must think about this more." He then put both of his hands on Felicity's shoulders and asked, "Do you feel better?"

Felicity considered it. The unease that coursed through her body a few minutes prior had melted away, and her previous skittishness seemed foolish. She smiled at him gratefully, feeling completely relaxed, "Aye, I do. I'm not quite sure what you did, but thank you."

"It is a little hard to explain. I can show you in my book; there are all these muscles in the upper back and neck that attach to the head…" He grinned at her, then reached out and smoothed back a loose tendril of Felicity's hair, before continuing, "I feel so many tense muscles in your shoulders and your back. It seems like you are very weary." Felicity said nothing, just stared down at her feet. "Aye," was all she managed to say, still feeling slightly dazed from Joseph's treatment. He lifted her chin and spoke directly to her, "I feel this is partly my fault. Like I said, please let me make it up to you." With that, he leaned toward her and kissed her ever so lightly on the lips.

In her relaxed state, Felicity acknowledged the kiss and returned it. She opened her eyes and grinned at him. "There is a spot on my shoulder that needs a little more touch; would you do that thing with your fingers again?" He laughed in response and pressed his fingers in precisely the correct spot. "I know exactly where you speak of."

She closed her eyes and tilted her head away to facilitate Joseph's treatment, letting the tension just melt away like butter. He then ran his fingers along her jaw, and she opened her eyes just in time for him to kiss her lightly again. She let it happen and closed her eyes again, but a moment later felt a chill run down her spine.

 _This isn't right._

She snapped her eyes open as Joseph pulled away, and instinctively glanced up at the platform in time to see a familiar figure lean away from the railing and out of sight.

 _Ben?_ She realized, as dread began to fill her stomach. She continued to stare at the railing, half-expecting that he would lean over again. Confused, Joseph looked up to see what had gotten her attention. "Lissie? What are we looking at?"

But, Ben was gone. "I…I think someone was watching us." She stammered, feeling slightly shell-shocked. _I have to go home. This isn't right._

"I didn't see anyone. Are you sure you did not just imagine it?" Joseph scanned the railing, then quickly looked behind himself before turning back to Felicity. She frowned. "I'm not completely daft, I know what I saw!"

Joseph ran a hand through his hair and grinned sheepishly. "Whoops. Well, we will have to be a little more discreet next time." Felicity's mind raced. What had just transpired? What did Ben see? With a sinking feeling she realized that it probably did not look good. She turned to Joseph, and vocalized her thoughts. "Please take me home."

He frowned, and took her hand. "Lissie? Is everything okay? Your mind has been really scattered this evening." Felicity tightened her mouth, slightly insulted at the "scattered" remark, but swiftly decided against starting an argument. Her patience at a minimum, she narrowed her eyes, "You never listen to me. I want to go home. Will you escort me? Or shall I just head off alone?"

"Lissie," Joseph pleaded, "Just…" She waited, almost hoping that he would protest, but it never came. She then realized that breaking the courtship now would just result in a massive argument, and at the moment she felt like she simply could not afford any delays. He gave her a resigned smile and offered his elbow, and they walked back to the Merriman house in silence.

As they entered the property, Felicity glanced quickly towards Ben's loft, itching to dash up the stairs, knock on his door and explain how Joseph had distracted and tricked her, but she swallowed the impulse and let him lead her into the foyer of the main house. Inside, her she saw that her mother had waited up for her. Martha stood up as they entered, question marks in her eyes.

Felicity turned to give Joseph a wordless goodbye, and he took her hand and kissed it. "Goodnight Felicity, I do hope that you feel better tomorrow. After all," he smiled slightly at her, "I do not wish to see you as a patient!" He tipped his hat and bade a good night to Martha, then headed out.

As Felicity watched his back disappear into the night, her mother touched her lightly on the shoulder. "Lissie? Are you not feeling well? What happened? Did you-" Felicity turned towards her and shook her head lightly. Martha pressed her lips together for a moment, before saying, "Are you having second thoughts?" Felicity shook her head slightly once again, mind still racing. She had to go speak with Ben as soon as possible, so she needed her mother to go on off to bed. She touched her mother on the cheek, keeping her voice even. "Mama, I think I'll get some sleep. I did not call it off with Joseph yet. I have a few things to think about." Her mother took note of the sense of finality in her voice, and nodded. "Sleep well Lissie. We will surely talk tomorrow."

In her room, Felicity bided her time while she imagined her mother settling down to sleep by tidying up a little. After changing into a more comfortable gown, she organized her combs and hair ties on the vanity, brushed the dust off her night stand, and gathered the clothes for the laundry. As she picked up the gown and apron she wore for gardening, a note fell out of the pocket.

It was Ben's letter. Guilt washed over Felicity as she realized she had forgotten all about it. She dove to retrieve it from the ground and opened it with shaking hands. As she began to read, she immediately noticed two things. First, the handwriting that was not Ben's, and secondly, the date. This was written just a few days before the Davidsons had written to her family to notify them of Ben's injury and illness. She continued to read.

 _October 27_ _th_ _1780_

 _My Dear Felicity,_

 _I apologize for not writing this letter on my own, I have asked a good friend to write it as I dictate as I have suffered many injuries including a broken arm. I learned today that I have been officially discharged from the Continental Army and the war is now over for me._

 _Lissie I must be completely frank to you. As each day passes I find myself weakening and now that the cold has set in I feel it with each breath I take. I know I am soon to be taken back to my mother and father's home in Yorktown but there is a likely a chance I may not live to see that day. I see this, plain as day on the faces of all the people who see me, and I feel it in my heart. I have instructed that you get this letter along with all of the other letters I have written to you._

 _I keep thinking of an alternate timeline in which there was never a war to fight. We would have continued to grow up together, my apprenticeship would have ended around this time and I would take over my family business. Then I would have happily asked for your hand, Lissie and we would have been husband and wife! If you also wished for this, of course! Your happiness would have been my main, no, it would have been my only priority in this world. Realizing that this will never come to pass makes me unbearably sad, and it is my greatest regret._

 _Lissie, my dear Autumn Maiden, I hope you take comfort in this letter and all of the other letters I have written to you. You were my companion, my best friend, and within this last year I have started to recognize you as my first and only love. My wish is that you never lose your fire and your spirit, and May you live a long and happy life._

 _Think well on me._

 _All of my love,_

 _Ben_

Felicity noticed at once that the letter may have been written by someone else, but Ben had signed it himself with a shaky hand. She folded the letter up slowly as she pictured Ben laying in some threadbare medic tent, broken and ill, dictating this letter to some unknown individual. _But_ , she reminded to herself as she swallowed a lump in her throat _, this story has a good ending. His father arrived in person to take Ben back to Yorktown, and he survived. He survived, and came back to us…._

 _I have to talk to him._

She stood up and put her brocade slippers on, then creeped out the hallway, down the stairs and out the door, all the while still clutching the letter. She carefully climbed the stairs to the loft and rapped lightly on the door, taking deep breaths to calm her nerves.

There was no answer. Felicity rapped on the door with a little more urgency, and once again, received silence as a response. At this point, she pushed the door open. "Ben?" She whispered, "are you here?"

The room was completely empty. A little confused, she closed the door and crept back down the stairs. She took a lantern off the stable door and lit it, then walked back outdoors and sat down onto the grass.

 _Ben has to come home to sleep at some point. I'll stay here and catch him when he arrives._

As she waited, she re-read the letter that was at once a farewell and a sort of marriage proposal. She thought of previous letters as he addressed her as the Autumn Maiden, referring back to that horribly embarrassing day back at Publick Times that she had tried to forget. It was odd that Ben seemed to remember that day so fondly, as this was the only day he had seen her as a young woman. Was this letter, and several more letters inspired by this day?

She laid back on the grass and relaxed a little, thinking back to the evening. Perhaps it was just her imagination, and it was just a complete stranger leaning over the railing. So, all of this worry may not be necessary after all. She would make it a point to see Joseph tomorrow, and would break it off with him then. That way that he had spoked to her told her that he knew he was falling short of expectation, and recognized that she was unhappy with him on some level. Considering all of these factors, a break-up would not be completely unexpected.

The gate clicked closed, and Felicity sat up quickly. The night air suddenly felt chilly, and she realized she had dozed off. She blinked a few times to clear her eyes, and as she focused she saw Ben taking his normal long strides towards his loft. "Ben!" She hissed, and he looked briefly towards her, but kept walking. At once, she was reminded back to the night in which he had been involved in the tavern brawl, but this time there was no nod of acknowledgement. She stood up and grabbed the letter, then hitched up her gown so she could run after him. "Ben wait up!"

He stopped and turned around, and Felicity froze at the cold look in his eyes. He noticed the letter in her hand, and spoke in a chilly voice. "What is that?"

Felicity looked down at the note in her hand, then back at Ben. "'Tis the letter you just gave me. The one that had gotten separated from the stack."

Ben spoke again, using the same chilly tone. "Did you read it?"

"Aye." Felicity replied quietly, resisting the urge to look at her feet.

Ben stepped towards her and held out his hand. "Give it here."

Yet another uneasy feeling ran down Felicity's spine. She held the letter to her chest. "No, no I will not." She replied defensively. "It is mine."

"Well then," Ben narrowed his eyes, now speaking with open hostility, "if you had any respect for me at all, you would burn it."

Felicity wanted to shrink back, but held her ground. The only explanation for Ben's behavior was that he had indeed seen her and Joseph from the platform. She repeated, "No, no I will not. It is mine. You gave it to me, and now it is my belonging."

"As you wish." Ben turned on his heel and continued walking towards his loft.

There was no way that Felicity was going to just let him walk away. She placed the folded letter safely in her pocket, then picked up the edges of her gown and sprinted after him. "Ben, wait! Please talk to me!" She quickly caught up to him and leapt in front of him, blocking his path." He stopped and stared straight ahead, not making eye contact with her. "Well, did you break up with him?"

"No." Felicity admitted, and Ben once again looked at her, narrowing his eyes. She struggled to explain herself. "He distracted me! I think it was all a trick….he knew I was upset with him so he sought to distract me…" Felicity realized her explanations were not getting the message across. Ben scoffed, and she continued, "He did not actually propose to me…"

"He did not? You sound almost disappointed." Ben cut in.

Felicity was losing her patience. "Just stop and listen to me!" Ben looked down at her and folded his arms across his chest, but let her continue. She continued, "This is exactly what Joseph does, what I have been trying to explain to everyone. He has this intuition that picks up on what others are thinking and feeling. He told me that it is important for his line of work to know what people are not telling him. But he uses it on me, and seeks to distract me. That is what he did tonight. He knew what would placate me at every moment, and I did not get a chance to break it off with him." She took a deep breath, knowing full well how ludicrous this sounded.

Ben kept his arms crossed as his chest. "Well, you certainly did not look unhappy. You were perfectly comfortable while letting him kiss you."

Now it was Felicity's turn to narrow her eyes. "So it was you. You were watching us. What was your intention? Were you following me?"

Ben pressed his lips together, and tilted his head. "If you must know, I met up with Walter and he wanted to see his cousin sing. I heard voices down below, and I turned to see who was speaking. Low and behold…." He spread his hands out, then continued. "What exactly are you doing? Did you think you could just keep me in your pocket for when you are not with Joseph? What am I to you? Is this all some sort of game? You collected all of those letters in your fanciful little way, and I just waited for some sort of response from you, all of this time like a damn fool!" He spat out these words, shaking his head.

"Ben, stop!" Felicity pleaded. "The opportunity did not present itself tonight. I will seek him out tomorrow and break it off."

"Don't trouble yourself on my behalf, Felicity." Ben said coldly, and Felicity flinched at his use of her full name. He continued. "I saw how comfortable and happy you looked, and what kind of man would I be if I was to try and break up a happy couple?" He looked away from her as he said these words, and they hit Felicity like an axe to the stomach. She countered back, "Perhaps there would be no couple at all if you had sent a letter like this to me earlier!"

Ben ignored her last statement, and simply gave her a curt nod. "I think it would be best if I was to stop interfering in your life. I'll give my resignation to your father, and I'll be gone soon enough."

Felicity felt her chest tightening, and a lump forming in her throat. "You have it all wrong! Have you not been listening to me all of this time?"

Ben's mouth twisted. "I have been listening, but I know what I saw. And I think it would be best for you to accept that marriage proposal, when it comes of course."

Tears welled in Felicity's eyes. She couldn't believe how cruel Ben was being. "But, in your letter…" She stammered, "you said…you said that you wished I would be your wife…."

"My wish…" Ben cut in with finality, "is for you to burn that letter."

Felicity could not believe how this conversation had gone. Panic held her chest tightly, and her mind raced. Ben once again turned his back on her to continue to his loft, making her call out again. "Ben, just stop!" He ignored her call, and continued walking. Fury threaded through her body, and without putting any thought to it, she charged and dove forward to wrap her arms around his waist, tackling him to the ground. He gasped in surprise and instinctively wrapped an arm around his ribcage, and Felicity immediately felt remorse at her rashness. She pressed herself to sitting as Ben scrambled away from her and stood up, backing away slowly. "Have you gone completely mad?" He asked incredulously, holding his palms up towards her as if he was confronting a vicious animal.

Full of anger, shame, and sadness, Felicity said nothing. Ben waited a moment more, still staring down at her with disbelief. Finally he turned to walk away once more, leaving her sitting in a heap on the ground. She watched as he climbed the stairs to his loft, and let himself in, closing the door behind him.

She choked a sob, and balled her fists. " _Damn you to Hell Benjamin Davidson_!"

The only reply was the unmistakable sound of the door latching shut.

 **Author's notes:**

1) In the books, Ben has been shown to use harsh language. In _Felicity's Surprise_ , he outright calls her foolish and selfish. Then again, Felicity calls him a coward later on so I think that is one aspect of their relationship that shouldn't go unnoticed. Personally I think Ben can be a little dramatic.

2) The song and lyrics referenced here are from Shady Grove, a traditional song that has been covered by tons of artists and probably has some 300 stanzas. I'm using the lyrics from the recording by Jerry Garcia and David Grisman. I think I did put a Doc Watson stanza in as well.

3) I wrote much of the following chapter before this one, so I should get it updated again soon once I fix a few details and make sure it has an ending.


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N:** This chapter is entirely in Ben's POV

Ben walked back from town towards the Merriman's property that Sunday evening, thinking over the events of the day. He had woken up with a melancholic pain in his chest, and a vivid memory of seeing Felicity smiling at Joseph and letting him kiss her. He wanted nothing more than to continue to lie in bed, but mustered up the courage to join the Merrimans for breakfast and church, where of course he would have to face Felicity.

But, Felicity was not there. Martha informed them all that Felicity had not been feeling well since the previous evening, and would not be joining them. Polly had asked for more details, and Martha simply said that Felicity was overtired. "Impossible!" Nan had snorted, drawing a chuckle from around the table.

Ben forced a smile at this and looked down at his portion of porridge with berries. He realized he was not at all hungry as he swirled his spoon a little in the bowl, deciding to forego it altogether and only have coffee. As he reached to take his mug, he realized that William was watching him. He looked up, and William continued to stare at him, his expression changing from a curious sadness to something that was almost accusatory. Ben pressed his lips together and looked down, feeling the first signs of guilt weave their way through his mind.

As the family was leaving church at bit later, he noticed Elizabeth Cole looking at him with that same strange, scrutinizing look that he had witnessed two days prior, and guilt continued to prickle his skin. Throughout the day he busied himself with random chores around the Merriman house. It was nice to stay occupied, but at the same time his mind was with Felicity, who still remained up in her bedroom and out of sight. He knew that it was unlikely for her to be physically ill, as it was extremely difficult to keep her bedridden even when she was feeling under the weather.

After dinner, he had excused himself to go to town to find and speak with Walter. The two of them met up with Will, who had claimed they all were allowed back into the tavern. "It's a Sunday night, so they are happy to have any customers at all!" He had crowed. After a bit of catching up, Ben decided to tell them about his decision to leave Williamsburg. It was odd, he knew that his mind was made up on the matter, but as the words left his mouth they sounded uncertain, and his plan not thought through well at all. As expected, Walter and Will demanded that he tell the whole story of the past few weeks. As he got to the events of the previous night and the rationale behind his decision, it was apparent that he sounded almost petulant.

Walter had put his mug of cider down, folded his hands together, and looked straight at Ben. "So, your feelings are hurt and now you are going to quit your job and run back to your mother and father?" Ben gave a short, uncomfortable laugh as it dawned on him that he was not going to get out of this one easily.

At that point, Will had chimed in. "I saw the two of them together, dancing. It was apparent that something was off. It was almost like she wanted to get away from him at one point."

Walter shook his head. "You complete and utter imbecile. You had her! She was yours!" He had pointed at Ben. "If you don't at least try to fix this, then…I don't know, man." He shook his head again and picked up his mug.

Deep down, he knew that Walter was right. He owed Felicity an apology and at least one conversation to find out where they were at. And after that? He didn't know for sure. There was no denying that she had feelings for him, yet the terrible way he had acted towards her for sure may have changed her mind.

He paused in the yard as he came cross a brocade slipper lying randomly in the grass. He knelt down and picked it up, immediately recognizing it as Felicity's. After a few minutes of searching for its counterpart, he came to the conclusion that it was nowhere to be found.

 _Wait a minute….._

He ran to the edge of the property and leapt up onto the fence, using the posts for balance and surveyed the roof. There he saw Felicity in her usual spot, leaning against the chimney. It was dark outside, but he could tell that it was likely that she had been watching him since he first returned. Typically she would whistle to get his attention, but on this occasion he was not at all surprised at her hesitation to engage him. He jumped down, then ran to prop the ladder up and began to climb, the slipper tucked into the band of his breeches.

As he neared the top of the ladder, he felt a small object fly close to his head. He instinctively ducked, then looked down to see what it could have been. There was no way he would be able to tell in the dark, so he continued climbing. Finally, he was able to clear the roof, and get a good view of Felicity just in time to see her draw her arm back, and hurl another small object directly at his face. He deflected to the side, then hastily pushed himself off the ladder and welcomed the stability of the roof.

Felicity spoke, snapping, "Leave me alone!" She drew her arm back in preparation to throw another object.

Ben held his hands up. "Lissie please, I want to apologize for the way I acted towards you."

Felicity looked towards the sky, arm still raised as she replied bitterly, "Yes, yes, everyone is apologizing to me for everything lately. Now would you _please_ go away?" She threw it at him and he was a little surprised to see that she had severely misjudged his location.

"Lissie, stop!" Ben protested. "Just what is it that are you throwing at me?"

"Does it matter? Why are you up here anyways? Haven't you gone yet?" Felicity forced the questions out. As expected, she only wore one brocade slipper, and her other foot was bare.

Ben offered it up. "I found your slipper," and reached out to hand it to her. It looked like she was eying him suspiciously, but it was hard to tell in the dark. He crawled closer, slipper in hand, then asked again. "What is it you are throwing at me?"

Felicity shrugged, then gestured to the basket next to her. Ben slowly crawled closer. He placed the slipper down close to her bare foot, then sat and looked at her. She continued to glare at him, and he spoke as congenially as possible. "What is in the basket?" She handed it to him, and he was surprised to see biscuits.

He looked back up at her in disbelief, yet kept his voice even. "Just why are you throwing biscuits at my head?"

She shrugged. "I don't know why everyone thinks that they can just say such cruel things to me."

Ben sighed. "Lissie, I'm so sorry." He gave her a half-smile. "You can throw more biscuits at me if it will make you feel better. I know I deserve it." He had never seen her sound so….defeated? Was that the proper word to use? She sat pressed against the chimney with her gown pulled up past her knees, which gave him a pretty good view of her long, feminine legs. He tried to ignore this, and moved closer. Something was definitely off, and the idea that he had hurt her so badly picked at his conscience.

She took a bite of a biscuit, then pulled out a distinct, medium-sized bottle and took a swig from it. He recognized it immediately.

 _Oh._

"Lissie, that is the rum that my father gave to your parents as a Christmastide gift." He said, trying to hide the shock of seeing Felicity so blatantly taking pulls directly from a bottle of hard liquor.

She replaced the cap, and lifted her chin defiantly at him. "It's delicious."

"Have…have you ever tried it before tonight?" He asked, trying to get a better sense of what exactly was going on.

"No." She simply said, lifting her face skyward as if to take in the nightly breeze.

Ben thought quickly. It was highly likely that Felicity had never had hard alcohol before, and he glanced at the bottle to gauge how much she had already. He knew the Merrimans only opened it for special occasions, so it had likely been more than three-fourths full before she started in with it. Now, it looked to be at the two-thirds mark, which was quite a bit.

First things first. He knew that it was treacherous to use the ladder even when sober, so there was no way that Felicity was climbing down by herself in this state. He decided to approach this head on.

"Lissie, we should get off the roof. Rum and ladders are an unwise combination."

He expected a bit of resistance from her, but to his surprise, she just shrugged and began to crawl over to him. "Okay, Mr. Davidson. Whatever you say." He tried not to dwell on the fact that she tucked the bottle into her cleavage for easier carriage.

Ben again thought quickly. He needed to be able to guide and support Felicity as she made her way down the ladder. "Okay Lissie. Let me climb down first, and as I near the bottom, you start climbing. Then I can be available to help you if needed." Felicity gave him a half-smile. "I always appreciate you looking out for me. You really are always there if I need you." Ben wondered for a fleeting moment if she was being sarcastic, but decided to treat it as a genuine statement. "You can always trust me Lissie." He replied, then held out his hand as she crawled closer to him, making an effort not to stare at the bottle of rum wedged down the front of her gown.

She suddenly stopped and exclaimed, "My slipper!" then scrambled back to where Ben had left it close to the chimney. He sighed, reminding himself to be patient. She crammed her foot back into it, grabbed the basket, and crawled closer to him once again. "I'm sorry, but perhaps you should have left it where you found it."

"Right." Ben replied, amused. He once again held out his hand, and Felicity took it as she scooted across the steeply-sloping part of the roof down to the ladder. "Wait here until I'm nearly down to the ground." He instructed her. She grinned at him, and he had a fleeting sense of confusion at her apparent change in demeanor. Just moments before she was glaring at him and hurling edibles at his face. He noticed she was clutching the basket of biscuits, and commented, "You might have some difficulty taking those down with you." "Oh!" She replied, then drew back her arm and tossed the entire basket off the roof. "Hey," Ben found himself protesting, "I wanted to eat those. I was merely going to ask you to hand them to me."

Felicity laughed. "They still exist. You'll just have to look a bit harder for them!"

Ben shook his head, then busied himself with climbing down the ladder. As he crossed the two-thirds mark, he called to Felicity to put her foot on the highest rung, then step down. Felicity did so, and he was relieved to see that she still had a good sense of depth perception. He stepped down to the ground, and held the ladder steady in place, then called out, "Okay, continue! But make sure both of your hands are always holding on!"

Felicity continued down the ladder with ease, making it apparent that this was an action that she could perform while sleeping. She did miss the bottom rung and had to jump down, but then stood and faced Ben, rolling her eyes. "See? That wasn't so scary!"

Ben sighed in relief, then watched as she sauntered over to the edge of the property and sat down, her back to him. Confused, he followed her, and sat down next to her in time to see her pull the bottle out from her cleavage, open it, and take another drink. She capped the bottle, and looked at him. "So, you are sorry, and I'm sorry, and everything is good, so it's fine for you to go to bed now."

There was no way he was going to leave Felicity out here alone with a bottle of rum. But, there was no telling her directly. "Lissie, I don't want to go to bed. I want to sit here with you." She gave him a half-smile. "If that is what you want. It is a practically a free country. I won't forbid you." She uncapped the bottle again, but before she could take a drink, Ben held out his hand. "Lissie, when one soldier has a bottle of rum, and the other soldier has no bottle of rum, what does the first soldier do?" Felicity gave a short laugh, then handed it to him.

Ben took a swig from the bottle. It was indeed delicious, tasting of vanilla and coconut. He spoke to Felicity, "Did you know that my father procured this bottle from one of his partner's trading ships? This product goes directly from the Caribbean to wealthy houses across Europe."

Felicity laughed, then reached out and took the bottle from him. "Is that so? Perhaps I shall feel like a queen as I drink this!" She uncapped it, and took a rather long swig. Ben flinched, and held out his hand. "Maybe you should give it here."

Felicity eyed him suspiciously. "If you are just going to take it away, then no. My answer is no." Ben figured that she would respond this way. He tried another tactic. "I want to share it with you." Eyes still narrowed suspiciously, Felicity asked, "Promise you'll give it back to me?" "Aye, I promise." Ben replied. "No tricks?" Felicity asked, "No tricks." Ben repeated, giving her his most earnest smile. Felicity handed it to him, sans cap. "I'm keeping this for collateral. There is no way you are going to leave such a fine bottle without the cap." She said defiantly.

Ben chuckled, then considered his options. He briefly considered pouring a good deal of it out, but there was no way to hide it from Felicity. He knew he would eventually regret this, but it seemed like the only thing to keep Felicity from drinking much of the bottle would be if he was to drink it instead. He sighed, held it up, and declared "To life and liberty!" then took an extra-long pull from it, feeling it burn his throat and stomach. "Aye!" Felicity agreed, a smile spreading across her face. He absent-mindedly handed it back to her, and she also took a long sip, repeating "To life and liberty." He realized that the point of his actions was to keep her from drinking it, and held out his hand again. She handed it back, and he took another extra-long pull, feeling it go down easier this time.

He turned to her. "Lissie, I really want you to know how truly sorry I am for yelling at you. I have no plans to leave, unless, of course, you want me to."

She held out her hand to take the bottle back, and with some hesitation, he gave it to her. "Just a little," he advised to her, "or you will feel terribly ill tomorrow." She shrugged. "The thought did cross my mind, but I could use another day of lying ill in bed. I don't have to do anything, or see anyone…." She trailed off, then continued. "It's all that I really want right now. To not have anyone bothering me, or telling me to do something, or having any expectations for me." She took a quick swig, and handed it back to him.

With a sinking feeling, Ben realized that he could easily be lumped in with one of those categories. He took another long swig. "Lissie, I am so sorry…."

Felicity cut him off with a wave of her hand. "I heard you the first time, and I accept your apology." She gave him a slight smile. "I take apologies very seriously. So, if I hear one, I know you mean it." Ben took the opportunity to take another drink from the bottle while she was seemingly distracted. She continued, waving her hands about. "Joseph apologized to me, and I know he did mean it. He doesn't understand a great deal of things but I believe he is sorry for something. And while it could be likely that you did not mean your apology, I find it highly unlikely. Because consider this! When you apologize, you risk and use your pride. So why-ever would you spend your pride apologizing to someone when you were not actually sorry?"

Ben tried to figure out exactly what she meant, and couldn't quite get there. He took another swig from the bottle. Felicity studied his face. "You are confused." She concluded. "A little," Ben confessed. His head felt a little odd, which he chalked up to the rum. "It makes sense in my mind but I figure I did not explain it well." She admitted, then held out her hand to take the bottle. Ben slowly handed it to her, and she took a drink before following up. "Let's say that you apologized, but were not sincere."

Ben cut in. "I swear on my sister's grave that I was absolutely sincere." As the words left his mouth he realized how dark they were and felt slightly ashamed.

Felicity gave him an odd look, then handed him the bottle. She continued, "I mean, what exactly is the point of apologizing to someone if you do not mean it?" She looked at Ben, and he realized she expected an answer. "Uh, to placate them?" He knew several examples in which he had apologized to his parents for various misdeeds with the only goal of to not be punished.

"Exactly!" crowed Felicity, and Ben grinned triumphantly, feeling like he was back in school and had answered the headmaster's question correctly. Felicity continued, "So if you feel you need to placate someone, you must respect their person on some level, correct?" She looked at Ben, then continued talking. Ben took another long pull from the bottle, and felt his stomach roll a bit. He pressed his lips together and took a deep breath in an effort to settle it. Meanwhile, Felicity was still talking. "….why on Earth would you care about placating me if you were not feeling sorry for anything? That makes no sense whatsoever! Think about it!" She stared intently at Ben, and a look of concern crossed passed over her face. "Are you feeling alright?" She held out her hand.

"Um," Ben thought about it. His stomach had settled back down, so all was fine in that category. He handed the bottle of rum back to her, which was now a little more than half-full. "I feel okay, but I have a plan." She leaned in closer to him as if he was to tell her a secret. He continued, "I think we should go for a walk. The weather is so nice, and I could use some fresh air."

"Yes, I agree!" Felicity exclaimed, grinning. "But wait," she added, looking around herself, then lowered her voice to a whisper, "Are we not outside already? There is fresh air all around us!" She waved her arms all around her head, as if she were squatting mosquitoes.

Ben was hoping she would ask this, because he had an answer ready. He smiled widely at her, and declared, "Ah, but we are sitting still. We will get a higher dose of fresh air if we walk into it! While we sit still, we just take in the fresh air passively, you see? But, if we walk against it, we take it in both passively, _and_ actively! So, the final effect is more fresh air!" He pressed his hand into the ground to come to a kneeling position in the first effort to get up, and instantaneously felt the full effect of the rum. His head spun and the ground tilted dangerously underneath him. He blinked and took a deep breath, waiting for the ground to stop moving. Next to him, Felicity took a swig from the bottle, then studied it. "You really plowed through this, didn't you?" She grinned up at him, then capped it and wedged it back into her cleavage.

"Very funny." Ben made a face, then took a few more deep breaths before pushing his way to standing. He felt himself sway a little and held his hands out to help reach equilibrium, then looked down at Felicity. "Your turn. What are you waiting for?" He smirked.

Felicity smiled pleasantly at him, and held her hand up. "Why, I'm waiting for a Gentleman to help me up! But alas! I see none around!" She heaved a sigh and brought the back of her hand to her forehead. Ben laughed and grabbed both of her hands, helping her to standing. She staggered a little, and he wrapped an arm around her shoulders to steady her as she grinned the whole while.

"Do you know what is so great about this plan?" She asked Ben as they made their way to the gate. "Hm?" Ben asked, and she continued, "There is no way that we will get into trouble for wandering around town this late, because the only folks we will come across will also be hoping that they do not see anyone. So, the town will be full of people who won't admit they are out in the middle of the night." She nodded at him. "Aye, that is true!" Ben replied with a smile.

As they wandered through the dimly lit streets, Felicity began to sing.

 _Peaches in the summertime,_

 _Apples in the fall,_

 _If I can't get the girl I love_

 _I won't take none at all_

 _Shady Grove, my little love,_

 _Shady Grove I know_

 _Shady Grove my little love_

 _I'm bound to go away._

As she sang, they passed another couple out for a nightly stroll, who applauded as they walked by. Ben grinned, and sang a following verse.

 _When I was a little boy,_

 _I wanted a Barlow knife_

 _Now I want little Shady Grove_

 _To say she'll be my wife._

They both sang the chorus, then Felicity sang another verse.

 _Every night when I go home,_

 _My wife, I try to please her_

 _The more I try, the worse she gets_

 _Damned if I don't leave her_

Ben burst out laughing at this verse, and fought back the urge to sweep her into his arms and kiss her on the cheek. "Wherever did you learn that verse?"

Felicity shrugged, smiling mischievously. "I can't really say where. I suppose I just heard it somewhere." Ben grinned. "I don't believe you have the particular life experience to come up with that on your own."

Felicity linked elbows with him and cheerfully replied, "Perhaps there are things about me that you don't know!"

They lapsed into silence as they neared the courthouse, then Ben began to sing a different tune a in slower, drawn out voice.

 _Sometimes I live in the country_

 _Sometimes I live in town_

 _Sometimes I get a great notion_

 _To jump into the river and drown_

Felicity jumped in front of him, eyes wide. "You wouldn't!" She exclaimed, her hands holding his upper arms fast. Ben smiled at her. "Lissie, it's just a song. I'm not going to go jump into the river and drown. Please relax and cheer up." She looked at him sideways, eyes still wide. "Yes, a song you chose to sing right now." She continued, "If something happened to you, I couldn't bear it. Even more so if you chose it to happen. You don't know how it felt when you were so ill after returning from the war…..the pain was absolutely physical. It was like someone took a mallet to my stomach."

Ben saw that tears were welling in her eyes, and he held both her hands to reassure her. "Lissie, please take heart. I'm not going anywhere. I survived a great ordeal, and I don't take that for granted. I remind myself of this every single day as I wake up."

She let go of one of his hands to draw an arm across her eyes, then smiled slightly at him. "Really?" "Aye." Ben replied, knowing that he meant every word. He considered for a moment, then amended his pledge. "Unless, of course, something happened to you, Lissie. I couldn't bear that." The thought of losing Felicity hadn't previously crossed his mind; he had just been preoccupied with her breaking it off with Joseph. He realized right then and there that the idea of her death was unthinkable. Out of the corner of his eye, saw Felicity pull out the bottle of rum, uncap it, and take a swig. She handed it to him, once again sans cap, and grinned. "So it is decided then. Neither one of us will die, not now, not ever!"

Ben held up the bottle, declaring, "To never dying!" He took a drink, then handed back to her. She repeated his words and action, tucked the bottle back into the front of her gown, then reached out to take his hand. "Now that we have decided to be immortal, shall we continue getting more active fresh air?"

He trailed along after her, still thinking. He admitted to himself that the effect of the rum by now had fully permeated his head, and it was compelling him to say things that he knew he wouldn't say while of a sober mind.

 _You've already told her that you love her, it does not get any more intimate that that._

He caught up with her, and allowed his thoughts to tumble out. "I just want you to know that in this moment, I have everything I want." Felicity looked at him, "Oh?" She asked with a smile.

He continued, "I have the warm night air, a sky full of stars, I'm with you….All of those other things don't matter. Nothing else matters right now. Just you with me." He trailed off, feeling a giddy smile spread across his face.

"Awwww…these are the words to my heart, Benjamin!" Felicity replied. She looked up at him, a smile spreading across her face. She looked skyward, apparently in thought, then turned back towards him a moment later. "I've been thinking about the things I said to you while we were together up in your loft." Ben felt a nervous twinge, and made an effort to keep his expression neutral. "Oh?"

"Aye." Felicity said. "You remember when I told you that you were mine?" Ben gave her a half-smile, still feeling a little apprehensive. "How could I forget?"

"Well, I've been thinking a little about those words. I am well aware that even though my intention is to call it off with Joseph, I am still fully spoken for, and it is a serious misdeed to be with another man while of my status." Ben nodded slowly, asking, "You don't regret it, do you?" He felt remorse at the very idea that he may have coerced her. "No, no!" Felicity quickly interjected. "My point is, if it was any other man, I would feel terrible, but it is with you. Nothing I ever do with you feels wrong. It is as if you are mine. Do you understand?" Ben was relieved to hear it. He nodded an affirmative, and took another swig from the bottle. Felicity continued, "This also explains why I was so bold about ripping your shirt off."

Ben choked on his mouthful of rum. He barely managed to get it down, coughing all the while. Truthfully, he avoided thinking about that split second, because it took his mind to other places. Felicity kept talking. "I did it out of panic that Nan would catch us, but at the same time, I keep thinking about you standing there just in your breeches and the signal whistle around your neck…." She trailed off, looking at him. "You are so handsome. I hope you never get that torn shirt mended."

Ben figured that he was blushing, but couldn't tell for sure. He put a hand up against his cheek, and realized that he couldn't really feel his face. Felicity raised an eyebrow at his behavior, then took the bottle of rum from him and took a long drink. She held it up, noticing that it was now less than one-third full. "We aren't going to get away with this. My parents will notice that the bottle is gone." A half-mad smile was plastered across her face. "They will also notice that we will both likely be very ill tomorrow. In fact…" her eyes widened as she spoke, "perhaps they know that I am out of bed, and they will come to ask you to help find me and you will be also gone!" She smiled even wider if it was at all possible, then looked around herself wildly as if she was going to suddenly see Edward Merriman walking behind them.

Ben was suddenly very worried for Felicity. He stopped in front of her, and put his hands on her shoulders. "Lissie, everything is going to be okay. I know things are a little hectic right now…" Felicity snorted at the understatement, "…but I'll fix what I can."

Felicity stared at him. "So you are going to fix everything? What is your plan of action? For starters, you are just going to tell your parents that you and I drank nearly the entire bottle of rum and we need a replacement so my mother and father don't find out?"

Ben smiled at her. "Aye, exactly that." Felicity just stared at him in disbelief, and he shrugged, "Well, I can't tell them that I drank the entire thing on my own; they for sure won't believe me."

Felicity fidgeted a bit. "Can you ask Anna for help?"

Ben shook his head. "Anna lives too far away. Don't worry Lissie, my mother absolutely loves you and will probably give you whatever you ask for."

Felicity snorted again. "There is absolutely no way that your mother will be okay with me just drowning my sorrows like Jiggy Nye used to!" Ben smiled. "You would think so, but according to my mother, you were the one responsible for bringing me back to life. So, you could probably do no wrong in her eyes." Felicity looked at him with a slight smile. "Anna was the one that got you breathing again. I only bawled and held your hand." Ben shook his head, smiling in return. "Anna takes no credit whatsoever. And you were the one lying next to me the following morning as I finally awoke."

Felicity went silent, seemingly lost in thought for a moment, before speaking up. "But she knows that I am involved in a courtship with someone else…" "Aye, but it does not matter to her." Ben countered, taking her hand. He purposefully left off the part where Ingrid Davidson commented on the way that they looked at one another, and that how she had told him that he needed to win over Felicity's hand.

She stared at him for a moment more, before finally saying, "Your entire family is completely mad." He smiled. He always had an idea that his mother and sisters were a little unconventional, and his father completely indulged them. He grinned back at her, "Yes, I agree. Did you want to join us someday?"

Felicity smiled. "That…that is actually a wonderful thing to hear. Aye, wouldn't that be grand?" She then pointed to a bench outside of the courthouse. "I could use a short rest, do you mind at all? Can you take a break from getting active fresh air?"

Ben looked over. Truthfully he wanted nothing more than to sit with Felicity on the bench and to rest his head in her lap, but he knew that if the two of them sat down, it would be very difficult to get up and walk back home. No, this was not a good idea. He felt an odd sensation in his hand, and looked down to see that Felicity was nudging him with the bottle. He took it and raised it to her, then downed the last of it and set the empty bottle down at the base of a street lantern. "I think perhaps it is time to head on home. It is long past our bedtimes."

"Aye, I admit my bed sounds lovely right now." Felicity sighed and clasped his hand, then thought for a moment and let go to dive towards the ground and pick up the empty bottle. She stuffed it back down the front of her dress and winked at him. "I have a suspicion that we may need this in the future."

"Oh, right!" Ben replied. He knew that Felicity counted on him to think of a plan to hide their tracks, and the empty bottle was a start. He offered his hand with a smile, and put on a posh accent. "Come my darling."

She laughed and took his arm, and they walked down Duke of Glouchester Street back towards the Merriman home. As they passed by her father's store, Felicity suddenly yanked the empty bottle out of her dress and tossed it high in the air with a loud whoop. Ben watched in disbelief as it reached its apex, then fell back to the Earth and shattered into a million glittery pieces. She cheered and put her hands in the air. "I've always wanted to do that!" She threw her arms around Ben and kissed him on the cheek. "Wasn't that exhilarating?"

Ben blinked, trying to process what had just happened. As he came to the slow realization that Felicity had her arms around him, an angry voice came out of nowhere.

 _"You two! Just what do you think you are doing?"_

A man stormed up to them, and Ben wondered where he came from. Felicity turned, her arms still around him. "Joseph!" She greeted him, entirely nonplussed about the interaction.

"Felicity? What on Earth are you doing out this time of night? Did you throw that bottle? What is the meaning of this?" Joseph shined his lantern close to their faces, and Ben flinched at the bright light. Felicity grinned, releasing Ben. "Ben and I are going to watch the sun rise! What are you doing out here?"

"I'm returning home from a summons. The Smith Widow took a fall down the stairs and broke her foot." Joseph seemed to be getting over his initial shock, and now glared at the two of them suspiciously. He raised his lantern again to study their faces, making Ben shield his eyes.

Joseph narrowed his eyes. "Why….why two you are both three sheets to the wind!" He looked at Ben, fury written across his face. "Davidson, explain yourself!"

Ben felt growing ire at Joseph, who always seemed to be coming in where he wasn't welcome and destroying everything. He decided he owed the man no explanation, and simply took Felicity's hand, declaring, "Like Hell I will!"

Joseph turned towards Felicity. "Lissie, you should be home in bed right now. Let me take you, and we will discuss all of this tomorrow." He started towards her, and Felicity jumped back like a startled animal. "Don't touch me, _don't touch me!"_ She cried shrilly.

"Felicity? Lissie?" Joseph asked, surprise now etched across his face. Felicity continued, pointing a finger at him. "No you will not be discussing how everything is to me, I'm tired of it! I'm not a child and I'm not stupid, and I know things! You will not be discussing anything with me anymore!"

Joseph stood silently for a moment before his face hardened. "I see how it really is. You two are just a couple of scoundrels." He waited for a moment, then turned on his heel and stalked off into the night.

Felicity burst into uncontrollable laughter, sinking down to the ground as Ben tried to process everything that had just happened. As clarity reached him, he knelt down to see about Felicity, who was still laughing hysterically, tears running down her eyes. "Did you hear him? He called us a couple of scoundrels! I called it, I did!"

Ben smiled and tried to haul her to her feet. "Let's head on home, Lissie. This has been a lovely night and now let us both have a good rest." As the words left his mouth, he knew that he meant them.

 **Author's notes:**

1) Ben is a fairly unreliable narrator toward the end of this chapter.

2) So much for breaking it off with Joseph kindly.

3) Song credits! Again I'm using lyrics from _Shady Grove_ , a traditional song that has been redone by tons of artists. I'm using lyrics from the Jerry Garcia and David Grisman recording. The song that Ben sings (…sometimes I get a great notion…) is from _Goodnight Irene_ , written by Lead Belly in the 1930's. I know it is a little too recent, but I felt like the stanza reflected well.


	7. Chapter 7

_WHAM….._

 _WHAM….._

 _WHAM…._

 _WHAM…WHAM…WHAM….WHAM… WHAM…WHAM…WHAM….WHAM… WHAM… WHAM… WHAM…. WHAM…_

What had started as a faint knocking had escalated into a full, metal-on-wood hammering, and Ben could not tell if it was inside his head or in the external world.

 _WHAM…WHAM…WHAM….WHAM… WHAM…WHAM…WHAM….WHAM… WHAM… WHAM…WHAM….WHAM…_

He squeezed his eyes shut even tighter, and reached to pull his pillow over his head. This muffled the sound enough for him to determine that it was indeed coming from the outside world. Holding tight to the pillow, he mentally tried to wish it away.

 _WHAM…WHAM…WHAM….WHAM… WHAM…WHAM…WHAM….WHAM… WHAM… WHAM… WHAM… .WHAM…_

If anything, the sound was getting louder. He cracked one eye open, and noticed the door to his loft was rattling with each impact.

 _BANG_

 _BANG….BANG…..BANG…..BANG….._

He decided to take action and steady the door, lest it be broken off its hinges. He rolled onto his side, and noticed that he was fully dressed, still wearing his shoes. It took another moment to realize that these were the same clothes he had been wearing yesterday.

 _BANG….BANG…BANG….BANG….BANG….BANG….BANG…BANG…._

This was getting ridiculous. He swung his legs off the bed onto the floor and pushed himself to sitting, and at once realized what a mistake this was. His head pounded in time to the banging on the door, and a wave of nausea hit him as the walls seemed to move. He put a hand over his mouth and made an effort to breathe through his nose.

 _BANG….BANG…BANG….BANG….BANG….BANG….BANG…BANG….BANG…..BANG…BANG…..BANG_

Whatever this was, it absolutely needed to stop. Ben carefully stood up, keeping his arms out for balance, took the first, painful steps towards the door, and pulled the latch up. At once the pounding stopped. He opened the door, and there stood William holding a large metal shovel.

Ben flinched at the sunlight, and glared down at William. " _Just what the hell do you think you're doing_?" He hadn't meant to be so harsh, but the words had simply tumbled out of his mouth.

William grinned at him, seemingly nonplussed. "You are really late. Father sent me up here to fetch you on my way out to school. It took a bit of effort on my part." He held the shovel up.

Exhausted from the effort it took to reach the door, Ben leaned against the doorframe and put his forehead into his hand, squeezing his eyes shut once again to try and abate the pounding in his head. There was a moment of silence, interrupted by William.

"Are you still drunk?"

 _Yes._

"No. Why on Earth would you think this?"

"Right." Laughed William. "Well, best gather yourself together and move, or you will miss breakfast!"

Ben opened his eyes in time to see William run back down the stairs. He turned around and shuffled back to sit on his bed, scanning his memories of the previous night. He remembered his foolish decision to keep Felicity from drinking in excess, by, well, drinking in excess himself.

 _Kill me now._

Yet, the evening had been fun. He had thoroughly enjoyed himself as he ran through the streets of Williamsburg late last night, high off both rum and the presence of Felicity. He felt relieved that she had forgiven him for his outburst Saturday night, and the final bonus of the evening, of course, was Felicity's absolute refusal of Joseph.

He turned and glanced at his pillow, wanting nothing more than to lie back down and wish the day away. But, he knew that all his effort would have to go towards not arising suspicion as to what the two of them had been up to last night. They had agreed that either he or Felicity, if not the both of them, would need to go about their day normally as possible as to not arouse suspicion. It an obvious choice that Felicity would have another lie-in, continuing the ruse that she was ill while Ben would assume the task of normalcy.

 _"You owe me one."_ Ben had said. Felicity had given a spiteful laugh in reply. " _No, YOU owe me for leaving me to sit in a pathetic heap in the grass after having such a cruel go at me_!"

As for arising suspicion, it was a given that William had some inkling about what had happened yesterday. He had suspected that William had some idea about the complicated relationship between him and Felicity, since the boy was a light sleeper and his open window faced into the Merriman's front yard. He also knew that William and Felicity had some sort of understanding, and that they kept secrets for one another so William was likely to keep this knowledge to himself.

Then, there was Joseph. He had no idea what the fallout would be from their chance meeting and Felicity's refusal of him, but was simply feeling too lousy to dwell on it. He would just have to cross that bridge when he got there.

He looked into a small mirror and was not at all surprised to see how haggard he looked. His hair was coming loose from its tie, his eyes were glassy and red-rimmed, and his face was a bit on the pale side. He splashed some water from the basin onto his face, put on a clean shirt, and ran a brush through his hair. He looked again at his reflection and figured he could use a shave, but this would have to do for now.

As he entered the main house a few minutes later, he had an odd sense of déjà vu as everyone turned to look at him while he muttered an apology for oversleeping while attempting to look as normal as possible. At any moment, Mrs. Merriman would notice his pallor, and ask him if he was feeling unwell. But, the question was replaced with Mr. Merriman telling him to eat quickly or the two of them would be late to open the store.

Ben looked down at the bread, eggs, and bacon on his plate, and his stomach churned uncomfortably. He reached for his mug of coffee, and had the sudden realization that all he wanted was tea, despite not having it for years, and not really missing it since. He felt Mrs. Merriman's eyes on him, and looked up. The impatient look on her face was gone, replaced by one of concern. "Are you not hungry, lad? You did not eat much yesterday either."

Ben had expected this inquiry in some form, and here it was. He had already thought of an excuse. "I'm sorry Ma'am, I've been having repeated poor sleep and troublesome dreams the last few evenings."

Edward looked towards him. "I'm very sorry to hear this, Ben. Tell me, would you want to take a day and rest?" _More than anything._ Ben thought, but forced a quick reply. "No Sir. I will feel normal very soon." Polly interjected, her eyes wide. "Are you dreaming about the war?" Martha quickly shushed her. "Hush child! 'Tis not polite to ask such delicate questions!" She nodded towards Ben. "Try and eat something, lad. Perhaps you will feel better." Ben nodded, feeling exceedingly guilty for misleading the Merrimans into believing he was suffering aftershocks of battle. He picked up a piece of bread and took a small bite. His stomach rolled violently in protest, and he was forced to take several deep breaths lest it would overturn its contents in front of everyone. He forced himself to chew and swallow, making small beads of sweat break out his forehead with the effort. Yet, his stomach held steady, so he repeated this action several times. Luckily, the Merrimans did not notice his struggle, but he wondered how he would be able to keep a normal façade going.

This day was going to be pure hell. He hoped that Felicity would fare better.

….

"Lissie? My dear? Are you awake?"

Her mother's voice stirred Felicity from the deepest sleep she had ever fallen in to. She shifted slightly, not ready to acknowledge Martha's presence quite yet. Her head felt a bit heavy and it seemed a little premature to open her eyes still.

Her mother called again. "Lissie?" As she opened the curtains. Felicity cracked her eyes open and blinked several times before closing them again as she failed to adjust to the light in the room. Still she figured she should address her mother.

"Hm?"

"You are awake, after all. I let you sleep just a little longer, and I hope you feel ready and able to face the day." Her mother kindly said, then continued, "I'll bring you a little bit of breakfast."

After her mother left, Felicity figured she would make an earnest attempt to have a normal day. Ben had warned her that she should expect to feel incredibly ill today, but illness had never really fazed her terribly in the past. She resolutely opened her eyes, and felt the light boring into her skull as if it were a dagger. Yet, she vowed that she would become accustomed to it. The pain abated a moment later, and she saw fit to try and sit up, despite the heaviness that she felt in her body. Placing her palms down on the mattress, she scooted up towards the head of the bed, then pushed herself up against the pillows. As she did this, the dagger that had previously pierced her skull returned again and twisted uncomfortably in time to her quickening heartbeat. She winced and closed her eyes, bringing her fingers up to lightly massage her right temple.

 _A bit of coffee will surely fix this_. She thought, continuing to massage her temples. As she did this, she thought through some of her fuzzy memories of the previous night. She smiled as she easily recalled singing along with Ben as they walked the previous night, and their vows that neither one of them would ever die. She remembered smashing the glass bottle against the street, and she remembered the surprised and furious look on Joseph's face-

 _Oh hell and damnation!_

Felicity buried her face in her hands. Of all people to collide with, Joseph had to be the absolute worst luck. She cringed as she remembered how he had easily picked up on their intoxication, and even more so as she recalled how she forcefully and erratically rejected him. Her mind raced as best it could through the fog. Her mother had warned her to break it off with Joseph kindly, yet she had ended up doing the complete opposite. He had witnessed her completely drunk, smashing a bottle in the street and kissing Ben, then screeching at him to never speak with her again and collapsing in the street with hysterical laugher.

This was not good. What will he do? Will he reveal her antics with Ben? What will he tell her mother and father? She leaned against the headboard and closed her eyes, her head continuing to ache and the resolve to get up and have a normal day fading.

On the upside, she had finally broken it off with him.

At that moment, her mother entered the room with a tray. As soon as the smell of coffee hit Felicity's nostrils, her stomach heaved violently and she grabbed the basin on her nightstand just in time to vomit into it.

….

Ben sat behind the counter at Merriman's store and stared straight ahead, palms down on the countertop. As long as he held this position steady, he felt almost normal. If he moved too abruptly, his headache would reappear and the walls would start to move. He just had to remember to blink occasionally, or his eyes would dry out.

Luckily, the store was not at all busy. A steady few customers had come in, requiring a minimal amount of help if any at all. So, he had been able to maintain this position throughout the day for the most part. Mr. Merriman had gone out on a few errands and Marcus worked in the stockroom, leaving Ben alone for the past hour. Next to sleeping, this was probably the ideal scenario for Ben's current condition. Here, he could let his mind drift off and study the shelves on the opposite wall.

As he contemplated the display of gardening tools, he heard the door swing open, and someone step in. He lazily turned his head and readied a nondescript greeting on his tongue, but stopped short as he recognized the man.

"Dr. Stevens. To what do I owe the pleasure?" Ben had fully expected that Joseph would be confronting him today. A voice in his head reminded him that he should tread lightly, but he simply could not help himself. This was a man who upset Felicity and stood in the way of their nascent relationship, and that was all there was to it.

Joseph walked up to the counter. "Davidson." He acknowledged. His face was stoic, but Ben saw the fury in his eyes. He continued, "Let's make one thing be known. I know the exact location to put a penknife, such that you would bleed out completely in less than two minutes."

Ben rolled his eyes and crossed his arms in front of his chest. "Dr. Stevens, I am simply not in the mood for this kind of posturing. Was there something in particular that I could help you with?"

Joseph narrowed his eyes. "Watch yourself, Davidson." He said, and pointed a finger at Ben. "It is my perception that you coerced Felicity with alcohol yesterday so you could do God-knows-what. I had accepted your relationship because I thought you were like an older brother to her, but I was truly mistaken."

Ben's heartbeat quickened slightly, making his head ache with more intensity. He fought the urge to wince against it, and narrowed his eyes in return at Joseph. "First of all, Felicity has never once accepted me as an older brother. She made it clear to me when I first came to Williamsburg that she was the eldest sibling." He smiled a bit at this memory, then hardened his face once again. "And secondly, you have no idea what happened, or what you saw. Felicity spoke her mind to you, and you should listen to her. Now tell me. Is there any reason you came in here?" He wished he could think of a better comeback, but that was neither here nor there.

Joseph gave him a twisted smile. "Speaking of Felicity, she is on my list of summons today. Her sister tells me that she is quite ill. I wonder, whatever could be the cause?" He stepped rather close to the counter, and looked Ben straight in the eye. "Tell me Davidson, how are you feeling today?"

Anger spread through Ben's chest at the thought of Joseph going near Felicity. "If you hurt her-" "Relax, Davidson," Joseph cut in, "I took an oath to do no harm to a patient. Honestly, I think your imagination gets the best of you." He took a watch out of his pocket and checked the time. "I need to be off to see all of my patients today. I must give each and every one of them my time and attention so that I may figure out exactly what ails them, and what I can do to find the underlying cause of their maladies." He gave Ben a pointed look as he added the last comment.

Ben said nothing, instead choosing to simply continue to glare at the man. Joseph watched him for a moment more, before turning and walking away. He paused at the door, turned around, and added, "I was hoping for a bit more of a stimulating conversation, but I can see now that you are not feeling up to it." Not waiting for a comeback, he walked out into the afternoon, closing the door behind him.

Slightly bewildered by the interaction, Ben shook his head, and was promptly rewarded by pain threading through his skull. He put his head down on the counter, and thought through all of the possible scenarios that might take place upon Joseph visiting the Merriman home, and then racked his brain to try think of anything he could do to stop it. Short of accosting and knocking the man out, there was nothing else. He drummed his fingers on the countertop, and recalled a memory of Felicity hotly telling him that she could handle Joseph. He would just have to trust that she knew how to maneuver him.

At that moment, the door opened again and Ben sat up, half-expecting Joseph to appear again. Instead, Walter stepped through, holding what looked to be some sort of pastry. He grinned at Ben, "I just wanted to stop by to see how you were doing, and perhaps apologize for telling you off last night." Ben muttered an acceptance and stared warily at the pastry. Mr. Merriman didn't allow outside food in the store, however the rule was rarely enforced in favor of not driving off potential customers. But, this was an entirely different scenario. "What is that?" He finally asked, picking up on the scent of butter and grease. His stomach churned in response.

Walter glanced at the pastry. "Just a mushroom and cheese croissant. I'm on my lunch break so I stopped by the cart on my way here. Did you want half?" He held it up and approached the side of the counter. Ben felt bile rise in his throat, and he swallowed uncomfortably. "On the contrary. Just…just keep it away from me." He put a hand up to his mouth and inhaled through his nose. Walter raised an eyebrow at him. "You're acting strange. Typically you never refuse food." He waved the croissant even closer.

 _Outside. Now._

"I just need a little fresh air." Ben said, his voice muffled by the hand clamped over his mouth. He thought quickly. Walter was blocking his path, so he opted to vault over the counter. He then dashed outside and ran down the stairs and around the side of the building, where he promptly became sick. A moment later, Walter caught up with him and guided him to a barrel close by. Ben sat down, leaned against the building and closed his eyes, waiting for the horrible dizzy feeling to pass.

"I thought you looked a little rough." Walter said, and Ben opened his eyes to see a smile spreading across his face. He reached out and touched Ben's forehead with the back of his hand. "You don't feel warm, so you are likely not ill." Ben swatted his hand away, yet giving a slight smile in spite of himself. Walter continued, "…and I highly doubt that you are an expectant mother, so, my guess is that you have recently been drowning your sorrows. Why did you not let me join? No man should do that alone."

"That is not exactly it." Ben grimaced as a residual wave of nausea passed through him.

"No? Well, you obviously have that special morning-after glow about you, so I can't be too far off." Walter grinned at him.

"You aren't." Ben said, trying to figure out how much he should reveal about the previous night. He quickly decided that if push came to shove, he might need Walter on his side to help with the Joseph situation. After all, the man knew many of the details about his relationship with Felicity. He spoke up. "Truth is, I stumbled upon Felicity drowning her sorrows. I take some responsibility, so I was subtly trying to discourage her."

Walter raised an eyebrow. "How so?"

"I figured if I insisted on sharing the bottle of rum with her, then I could lessen the amount she drank." Ben winced as he realized how stupid this sounded.

"Why did you not just take it away from her?" Walter asked incredulously.

Ben paused and stood up to look around to the front of the store as he saw a man stop in front and consider entering. A moment later, he turned around and walked off. Ben sat back down and addressed Walter's question. "Felicity is not a child. If she wants to drink rum I won't stop her. But I wanted to make sure that she did not go overboard with it."

"-By going overboard yourself. I don't understand. Don't you have the blood of Vikings running through your veins? I'm surprised to see you in such a bad way." Walter said, grinning. He continued, "Do you realize that you _literally_ poisoned yourself for her?"

Ben smiled. "Well worth it. Felicity accepted my apology and we had a nice evening. But," His face darkened, "We decided to go for a walk throughout town. It was late, so we figured no one would see us. As it so happened, Joseph was returning from a house call." He smiled grimly and leaned back against the wall."

Walter looked at him, wide eyed. "What did you do? What did Felicity do?"

Ben clasped his hands behind his head. "She dropped him. It was beautiful, really. She demanded that he never speak with her again. He called us a couple of scoundrels and stormed off."

Walter whistled. "I assume you are expecting some blowback."

Ben smiled in spite of himself. "He came by the store not long before you, actually, and threatened to stab me with a penknife."

Walter laughed, and said nothing. Ben decided to simply leave it at that and not discuss the most pressing issue of Joseph paying a house call to Felicity later today. It was well enough, as Walter stood up a moment later. "I best be returning to work." He clapped Ben on the shoulder. "I hope you feel better soon, and that you invite me along the next time you decide to get into the rum. You two are good company."

"Aye, in time! But I think we will be avoiding the stuff for a good long while." Ben grinned, then forced a more serious look. "Walter, I think it goes without saying that you should keep what I have told you in confidence."

"Aye, of course." Walter nodded at him. Then he smiled. "But with Joseph on the warpath, soon the whole town will know, and it won't be because of me. Take it easy, man!"

After he left, Ben stood up and walked back into the store, taking his place again behind the counter. He was pleased to note that he was starting to feel a little better, however as the fog cleared his mind, a growing dread of what would happen was taking shape.

Would the Merrimans send him away for cavorting with their daughter? He realized that everything relied on Joseph keeping their secret.

This was not good.

….

"Lissie?"

Felicity stirred at the sound of her mother's voice in a scenario that was very similar to just a few hours prior. After her humiliating reaction to the coffee, her mother had just let her lie back and rest. She opened her eyes, expecting the dagger to return and pierce her again, but it was not so bad.

Her mother gently peeled back the curtain, and smiled kindly at her. Nan was behind her, standing on her tiptoes so that she could get a good look. Her mother started, "My dear, you seem to be worse than yesterday, so I had Nan summon Joseph to examine you to make sure you are not extremely ill."

Felicity blinked once, twice, three times with horror as she gained a full comprehension of what her mother was saying. She quickly pushed herself to sitting. "No, no Mother! Honestly, I needed a little more sleep. I am feeling much better now!"

"I think it would be important for you to speak with Joseph directly, and tell him about your concerns, both physically and emotionally." Her mother gave her a pointed look, then continued. "I will leave the room and tell Joseph to come on up, but Nan will stay here. Do you understand me?"

Felicity realized that her mother was likely encouraging her to speak candidly to Joseph. Was she in favor of breaking it off? Or merely in favor of just telling Joseph to respect her in the future? _Either way, Mother is right. I need to speak with him._

"Okay," she sighed, "send him up. He will see for himself that I am on the mend."

Martha nodded and left the room, meanwhile, Nan sat down in a chair in the corner of the room and pulled out her knitting. "I'm just here so that you two don't do anything improper. I don't know why Mother requested it." She shrugged and put on a don't-blame-me face, then got to work on her yarn.

Felicity leaned back against her pillow, realizing that this would be her only chance to redeem herself in the face of the previous night to Joseph. She had no intention of keeping the courtship intact, but had to get him to see that first of all, breaking it off is a good idea, and secondly, not to spread around any accusations about Ben. It was going to be difficult.

Joseph appeared in the doorway and knocked lightly on the frame, then entered without waiting for a response from her. Without making any eye contact whatsoever with her, he put his bag down on the floor, then laid out various tools on the nightstand. Finally, he looked at her. "Miss Merriman, your mother tells me that you have been quite ill since yesterday morning, and it has worsened today. Headache and vomiting, is that correct?"

"Aye." Felicity replied, not quite knowing how to proceed. Joseph pulled up a chair next to her bed and sat down in it. He looked at her. "Do you have all of your memories about you from the previous day?"

 _There it begins_. Thought Felicity. "Aye, of course." She said, realizing the truth would be best here.

"Right." Joseph said, staring at her a moment more with an unreadable expression. He took her wrist and counted her pulse. "Tell me what you have had to eat and drink the last two days." Felicity thought back. "Truth is, not much. Coffee, pea soup, porridge with strawberries….biscuits….." She trailed off. "Hm, quite unremarkable." He replied, still holding steady to her wrist as if he was waiting for her to continue. When she did not, he looked her straight in the eye. "So, Davidson." It was not a question.

 _There it was_. Felicity sighed, gathering up all of her courage. "Aye." She replied quietly, but firmly. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Nan sit up a little straighter. Joseph put her wrist down, and reached out to feel the sides of her neck. Felicity tried to jerk away. "You know that this isn't necessary."

Joseph looked straight at her, his blue eyes taking on an icy tone. "Your parents are paying me to examine you, so I am going to examine you." Felicity closed her eyes and let him continue, flinching a little at his cold fingers on her neck. He spoke again. "Why?"

"He loves me." Felicity said with conviction, twisting herself away from Joseph's fingers. She noticed that Nan had put down her knitting and was staring at the both of them. Joseph responded back. " _I_ love you." Felicity was ready for this, using both her convictions and the words that Ben told her during their ride the previous week. "No, you love a girl with red hair and green eyes. Ben loves me, Felicity Merriman." She gestured to herself.

"Stick out your tongue." Joseph commanded, and Felicity rolled her eyes, but obeyed him. He continued, "Would you care to explain that more thoroughly?"

Felicity scoffed. She knew that she should stay polite, but her condition and the imposing presence of Joseph was making her quite irritable. "Why, that is the first time you have ever asked me to explain something. You have always been the one to explain things to me!"

Joseph scowled at her. "Watch yourself, Felicity. You do not have the moral upper hand here! I saw you two out together last night, was it nearly two in the morning? You were both completely intoxicated and behaving in an inappropriate, nay, scandalous manner! And the bottle? That is criminal!"

Felicity was rendered speechless for a moment, and decided to stay silent and wait for Joseph to speak again. She widened her eyes ever so slightly in an effort to make them tear up slightly. She knew it was a manipulative tactic, but she needed the upper hand.

It worked. Joseph sighed, and placed his hand on top of hers and she knew that her snide retort was forgiven. He held her hand tightly and looked her straight in the eye again. "Lissie, it's okay. Whatever he has been telling you, whatever he has been filling your head with, just look at the previous evening! See what comes with spending time with him?"

Out of the corner of her eye, Felicity saw that Nan was still watching them, her mouth hanging open in a shocked and almost comical manner. She realized that she couldn't have Nan just taking in all of these untruths about Ben.

"You have it completely false. "Twas I that first got into the rum. Ben came across me, and tried to get me to give it up. I am the one who coerced him." She said with conviction.

Joseph blinked, then regained composure. "You needn't protect him, Lissie."

"I'm not." Felicity leaned back against her pillows. "You treat me like I'm some kind of foolish, stupid child. Ben knows who I am, and speaks to me like I'm a normal person. He loves me as I am, and you just love a girl with red hair and green eyes."

"I see." Joseph said, taking out a small hammer. He carefully knocked it against the sides of her elbows, testing her reflexes. He continued, "So am I to understand that everything that everyone has been warning me about you is correct?"

Felicity's chest started to fill with the familiar dread that she felt when she dwelled on how others perceived her. And yet, she knew that Joseph was trying to bait her into denying everything. Then he would convince her that everything was going to be alright, he would forgive her, and so on, and so forth.

That wasn't going to happen.

She shrugged. "I don't know what they say about me, but perhaps you should listen to your own judgement. You are always reminding me to behave, to mind my manners, to stop reading immoral books….and now, now you've seen me wandering the town in the middle of the night, rum-soaked, with an unrelated man." She looked him in the eye. "How many times are you going to convince yourself that I am the girl for you?"

Joseph narrowed his eyes at her. "Yes, thank you for reminding me that I saw you embracing Davidson in an _incredibly_ friendly manner. Now tell me, what do you expect everyone to say about you with this information?"

Felicity was careful to not sound too annoyed. "How will they know? Will you be the one to tell them that you've been cuckholded?"

Joseph was silent for a moment, then he spoke. "I know what you are doing here, Felicity. You are trying to manipulate me into not telling anyone about you and Davidson."

 _Damn it._ Disappointment started to wash over Felicity, but she told herself to hold steady. When Joseph saw that he would get no response from her, he spoke again. "You get your wish, but not because I'm being merciful. It's because I'm washing my hands of the both of you. You two are nothing but scoundrels, and you deserve each other. What goes around comes around, after all." He added that last part with exceptional bitterness.

Joseph stood up, and began to pack up his medical bag. An odd, unexpected feeling of sadness washed over Felicity. She had won, but something felt really off. She grabbed his hand. He looked at her, and her feeling of sadness intensified as she recognized the deep hurt in his eyes. "Joseph….." She began, not really knowing what to say. After fumbling for the right words, she settled on what felt most natural. "I'm sorry."

Joseph's eyes softened very briefly. "Aye, I am too." He waited for a moment, then spoke again. "So, I think we are done here."

Felicity recognized the finality in the statement, and knew that he was not just referring to her examination. "Aye," she agreed. "We are done here."

Joseph nodded, and turned to Nan. "Miss Merriman, would you please go and fetch your mother? I would like both her and Felicity to hear my recommendations."

Nan stood up, but seemed frozen to the spot. A stunned look was written across her face. "Nan, go!" Felicity commanded. The younger girl snapped out of it, then rushed out the door and into the hallway to call out for Martha.

When her mother appeared, Joseph was all business. "She does not have a fever, and she shows no signs of deep illness. Perhaps it was something she ate or drank? Is there anyone else in the household that is also ill?" He looked quizzically at Martha and Nan. Felicity cringed. She had not seen or talked to Ben since they parted ways the previous night, but she was under the assumption that he was feeling in a similar manner.

"No, I don't believe so." Martha replied, and Nan shook her head. "Right then." Joseph said. "I recommend herbal tea and something gentle to eat, perhaps mild soup and plain bread. No grease or animal fats. She seems hearty enough now, so I expect that she will be up and moving normally tomorrow." He forced a smile.

"That is very good news." Martha replied with a smile. "Thank you for seeing her, Joseph, and let me show you to the door." She led him out of the room, and Felicity noted that he did not turn to wish her goodbye. She leaned against the pillow, feeling relief wash over her at having a peaceful enough ending, despite him knowing of all of her antics the previous night.

"Lissie? What just happened here? What on Earth have you done? And what does Ben have to do with anything?" Felicity turned to see Nan standing close to the doorway, an almost comical mix of confusion and anger on her face. Felicity often was able to get a laugh out of Nan's antics, but she knew that this time, she needed to act carefully as to get the younger girl on her side. Nan continued, "Why have I heard nothing about this? Do Mother and Father know?"

Felicity gave Nan the most serious expression she could, and spoke up. "Nan, would you please sit down? I will explain everything." Nan did as she told, a suspicious look now crossing over her face.

Felicity spoke in earnest. "Nan, as you get older, you are bound to find yourself in situations where you might end up with a secret. And when this occurs, I would be happy to keep your secrets."

…

That evening, Ben walked home alongside Mr. Merriman and Marcus. His mind drifted as the two older men spoke about routine manners of store upkeep, and instead focused on the tentative feeling that he and Felicity had gotten away with last night's antics scot free. Mr. Merriman had returned from his errands about an hour after Walter had left, and while in conversation with Ben, had offhandedly noted that he had stopped back at the Merriman house to retrieve some documents. When Ben had inquired about Felicity, Mr. Merriman had replied with a smile that she was feeling much better, and that Joseph had deemed her to be healthy. He gave no inclination whatsoever that Joseph had told them about the previous night.

This, and the fact that Ben was by now feeling almost back to normal was enough to make him smile outwardly with relief. He was promptly interrupted by Mr. Merriman. "Lad, you look awfully pleased with yourself. Tell us what is on your mind?"

Ben thought quickly, then gave a sheepish smile and offered a half-truth. "Nothing of note, Sir. I am just suddenly feeling quite hungry, and am thinking about dinner." His lack of appetite today and the previous day had finally caught up with him, and he was ravenously hungry.

 _Everything back to normal_ , he thought, as he continued to smile.

As the men returned home, Ben asked if he could go upstairs and pay a visit to Felicity briefly before dinner. Mrs. Merriman told him to go on up, that Nan had been sitting with her since the afternoon. _Odd_ , he thought as he headed up the stairs, Nan and Felicity did not spend a whole lot of time just sitting together.

Felicity's bedroom door was shut tightly. He knocked on the door, and two very similar female voices rang out. "Who is it?" Ben grinned and replied, "It's me!" He heard giggling in return, and a voice that was distinctly Felicity's telling him to come in. He swung the door open and was greeted by the sight of Nan sitting on Felicity's bed. A thick, greenish-brown paste covered her entire face, and she was using her fingers to spread the odd mix onto Felicity's face.

Ben grinned. "Forgive me, ladies, for my intrusion. What is this? Routine beauty maintenance?" He pulled a chair up to the bed, and sat down. Nan smiled at him, causing the dried paste to crack at the corners of her eyes and mouth. "Lissie was looking a little rough due to her exciting nighttime adventures, so I made us a beauty mask." Felicity added, "It's true, I was. I didn't want to look at myself in a mirror, but Nan insisted."

Ben felt himself pale a bit at Nan's mention of nighttime adventures, which did not go unnoticed by Felicity. She spoke up. "Nan knows everything. She observed Joseph's examination of me, and the subsequent interrogation by him that followed." Nan piped up, "don't forget about the dissolution of your courtship and Joseph calling you and Ben a couple of scoundrels that deserve each other."

Ben cracked a smile at the news that Joseph was now out of the picture. "He said that?"

"He did!" Nan said. "I don't think he was all that upset about it; I mean, he did not tell Mother at all, or anything like that."

"Right," said Ben, thinking aloud. "When I spoke to your father after he returned to the store, he did not mention anything to me about, well, finding out about _us_ , so I think we are in the clear for now."

Felicity turned towards him and grinned, which caused Nan to admonish her. "Lissie, hold still or I will mess this up!"

Ben had to speak up. "Nan, I hope you don't go around telling anyone about us. We could get into a lot of trouble."

Nan looked at him sharply, with what looked to be an insulted look on her face. "Now why would I do that? I don't want to get you into trouble. Truth be told, it is looking like I may have you as a brother-in-law someday and that is a very nice thought." She looked back at Felicity and continued smearing paste on the creases of her nose, but continued speaking. "I do hope that you plan on speaking with Mother and Father soon about a courtship; I don't want you just taking advantage of my dear sister under the guise of secrecy." She looked back at him pointedly, and Felicity laughed.

Ben replied earnestly. "I wouldn't dream of taking advantage of Lissie. She just needs to say the words, and I will speak with your parents. Nan, thank you for keeping our secret. It means a lot."

Nan nodded and studied Felicity, who now had her whole face covered. She looked back down at the bowl. "Do you want some of this? There is plenty left over." She looked up at him and studied his face. "Trust me, you look like you really need it."

Ben considered it. "Why not?" He asked, shrugging his shoulders. He and Felicity grinned at each other.

….

Author's Notes:

1) I apologize for the time it took to put this new chapter out; I did take a several days off writing to figure out a few plot points. Then, this chapter was a little tricky to write and I hope nothing comes off as confusing.

2) Felicity is not at all conflicted about breaking it off with Joseph; I believe that she is highly sensitive, and feels like she needs to apologize for hurting him in any way.

3) Next up, there will be some transitional-type fluffiness, some planning, and a small time jump!


	8. Chapter 8

Felicity awoke to a rare morning thunderstorm, blinking the sleep out of her eyes as the rain lashed against her window. After several weeks of muggy heat, the rain was a welcome sound, albeit a little early for mid-August. She dressed and walked downstairs to help put breakfast on, all the while thinking about everything that had happened the previous day. Despite the impossible odds, Joseph had indeed kept the knowledge of their complicated relationship, not to mention their rum-soaked walk to himself.

 _Well, at least for the time being._ She thought. Joseph had expressed plenty of disgust with them and a desire to just wash his hands of the whole matter, so it surely wasn't out of forgiveness and good wishes. She could admit to herself that his words had stung a little, but all of the books she had read about love and relationships, hurt feelings and insults were par for the course.

As she entered the kitchen, the nagging feeling completely melted away as she saw Ben helping Polly carry dishes to the table. He set them down, then looked up and smiled at her and turned back to Polly. "That was a close one! Next time do feel free to ask me for some help." She grinned back at him, then busied herself with distributing all of the plates around the table as Polly ran back to the kitchen. As she placed the final plate down, she felt eyes on her and looked up just in time to see Ben turn away and stuff his hands into his pockets in mockingly inconspicuous manner. She smiled at him. "You're in a good mood today."

"I'm just happy to see that you are feeling much better." He said, a half smile growing on his lips. "Are you ready for today?" Edward Merriman was heading out of town on business for a few days, and Felicity would be working with Ben in the store full time. She was indeed excited for the next few days; it felt as though she was getting back to something that was more simple and comfortable, a fantastic reprieve from the jumbled mess of the last few weeks.

As the family sat down for breakfast, she continued to study Ben. He was talking animatedly with Polly and William about the massive ships that regularly came to port in Yorktown. He looked at her and smiled again, his eyes positively sparkling. It was an expression that she hadn't regularly seen Ben wearing; usually he tended to be more thoughtful and quiet, his smiles often worn out of politeness. It was indeed uncommon for him to be outwardly showing such a sense of joy. A flush went up on her face and she smiled back, feeling a rush of anticipation over what the near future would hold.

Despite the rain, the store was quite busy that day. Felicity chalked it up to the first harvest bringing more folks into town. She reveled in the sights and the sounds of all of the visitors, and loved hearing their stories. She did not get much of a chance to interact with Ben as the two of them were kept busy for much of the day, but they did exchange the occasional glance and quick smile.

As closing time neared and most of the customers had gone save for the occasional stop-in, the two of them sat together behind the counter. Felicity was reciting what she had counted in the stockroom to Ben, who recorded it in the ledger. She knew that she always had a talent of counting swiftly and keeping track of stock, and wished that she had more of a chance to use it. After she was done, Ben took the final counts with the use of an abacus as Felicity looked on.

"It seems like you do not need that." Felicity commented as she saw that Ben often recorded the number before checking it on the abacus.

"Not really, no." Ben replied as he rapidly slid the wooden beads back and forth. "But I like to make sure. Otherwise I'll be waking up in the middle of the night wondering if I've made a mistake." He gave her a quick smile, then turned back to it.

"Honestly?" Felicity asked, slightly surprised. Ben didn't seem like the anxious type. A thoughtful look crossed over his face, and he corrected himself. "Well, again, not really. I suppose I have always done it this way, ever since I started working as an apprentice. I've always had a head for sums, but your father insisted that I check everything. Perhaps I am just a creature of habit." He grinned at her, then turned back to it once again.

"A creature of habit? I feel as though that is debatable." Felicity grinned back, but decided to give him a moment so that he could finish counting in peace. She sighed and tapped her foot for a moment before again turning back towards him, and studied his profile. She was sure he felt her eyes on him, as his mouth twitched upwards a bit as if he was hiding a smile. Impulsively she reached out and gave him a mild poke in his ribs. He didn't react. "You know by now that does not work on me," he said, not bothering to look up.

Felicity thought for a moment, then leaned over once again and poked him in the same location, much harder. Again, he did not react save for the teasing smile that was starting on his lips. He turned towards her. "I applaud your effort, but there is no return." She decided to take this as a challenge and jumped off her stool, then walked to stand directly behind him. He looked over his shoulder at her with mock suspicion. "Looking for trouble?"

"Maybe…" Felicity grinned, then grabbed him on both sides and dug in her fingers, trying to trigger the sensitivity that folks often had in their sides. Ben flinched a little as her fingers went over the ribs he had broken, and she quickly took her hand away, offering an apology, "I'm sorry, did I hurt you?" He tilted his head and thought for just a moment before shaking his head. "No, not in the slightest. My ribs have healed just fine. I was….I was just remembering a dream I had not too long ago." She smiled with relief. "That's very good to hear."

The two of them lapsed into momentary, almost awkward silence before Ben spoke up. "You know the mathematician Isaac Newton, yes?" Felicity raised an eyebrow. "Of course. Why do you ask?" "Well," Ben started, "He wrote about three absolute laws-" "Yes, I know all about Newton's laws of motion." Felicity cut in. She hadn't meant to be rude, but had gotten into the habit of interrupting any kind of explanation of scientific or mathematical principle that she was already familiar with, as to avoid a long-winded lecture. _Blame it on spending so much time with Joseph_ , she thought.

Ben didn't seem to catch on to her abruptness. He gave her a half-smile, and stood up to face her. "Can you tell me about Newton's Third Law?" "Of course!" Felicity exclaimed, pleased to be given a chance for once to show her knowledge. She recited it from memory. "For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction."

Ben tilted his head towards her. "Can you say, with absolute confidence, that it is true in all cases?"

Felicity thought about this. "Well, it is considered a law, so I assume it is absolute." She looked at Ben, and saw that a smile had spread across his face. At that moment, she knew exactly what Ben was getting at, but it was too late to properly defend herself. He lunged forward and grabbed her by the sides just as she did to him, although the difference was that she was incredibly sensitive to that kind of touch. She shrieked with laughter and dove towards the floor to escape, holding her sides. "It's not fair!" She gasped, looking back up at Ben. He was grinning widely at her. "Opposite, sure, but I don't think I could call that equal." He commented. She held up her hands and he took them, pulling her up to standing. There, she locked eyes with Ben, and suddenly felt a flush go to her face as he stared intently at her, his mischievous grin gone. After a moment, he reached out and ran a finger down her cheek, then leaned forward and kissed her on the side of the mouth before straightening up again. She looked into his eyes again, and laced her fingers with his. In response, he leaned forwards again, this time kissing her full on the mouth. She closed her eyes and returned it, her free hand moving to his shoulder, then to the back of his neck. His hand found her waist.

After just a moment, Ben broke away. She felt him touch his forehead to hers, but did not yet open her eyes. "Felicity," he whispered, "I need to speak with your parents."

"Aye." Felicity whispered in return. She straightened up and opened her eyes.

A small flush had appeared across Ben's face. He looked at his feet and ran a hand through his hair, sweeping back a few stray strands. "I confess that I have no idea how they will react, or what they will say. How do I begin this conversation?"

Felicity caught his apprehension, and felt slightly disheartened. "You're not having second thoughts are you? About…about me?" She asked incredulously, stammering a little.

"What?" Ben looked up. "No, no of course not! My Love, I did not mean to imply that I had changed my mind." He gave her a genuine smile and re-took her hands.

Felicity felt positively giddy at the fact that he had addressed her as "My Love". She grinned, and squeezed his hand. "Just try and remember all of those other times you have spoken to the parents of potential sweethearts!"

"Right," laughed Ben, adding sarcastically, "I'll just bank on my vast experience with the matter!" His smile faded and he let out a sigh.

Felicity decided to encourage him a little. "There are going to be three potential answers, right? First, they might say no, -"

Ben cut in, "If the answer is no, then your father will likely fire me, or worse for having the audacity to cavort with you right under his roof. Then, the only thing left to do is to send for my parents to come and pick up my remains."

Felicity scoffed at this. "I sincerely doubt the answer is going to be no. Anyways, the other two potentialities are obviously either a Yes, or, a Yes-but-please-wait-until-a-certain-amount-of-time-passes since-I-recently-ended-a-courtship-and-we-need-to-maintain-our-reputations." She rattled off that last option rather quickly.

Ben was looking more hopeful. "So you think it is very likely that the answer will be a Yes, or a variation of that?"

"Aye I do." Felicity said, reassuring him. She then paused as a thought that had been on the back of her mind resurfaced. "But, there is something that we should keep in mind." She started slowly.

"What would that be?" Ben said, his brows furrowing with concern.

"Things will be different then they are now. We will be under quite a bit more scrutiny and supervision. When I was with Joseph, we could never be alone, privately, for more than a few minutes. Either it had to be in a public space, or with one of my parents, or his parents…." She trailed off, then continued, "We would not be able to go on our rides, I would not be able to speak with you in your loft, or…" She swallowed, "I would not be able to work with you alone in the store, like this."

"Aye, I understand." Ben said quietly. "But, I could bear it just fine if that is what it takes. Perhaps I could write more letters to you." He smiled slightly.

"I on the other hand, well, I'm afraid I will go mad." Felicity sighed. "Going for our rides, and working in the store are the only two opportunities I have for getting out of the house on a regular basis. I do go to see Elizabeth every few days, but she has her own work to attend to since her father will not return for a long while." She shuddered a bit as she could already feel the walls of her own house closing in on her.

Ben seemed to think for a moment, then he sighed, looking downcast. "I suppose the obvious thing to do is to not bring up a courtship, but an actual engagement." Felicity looked up, her heart suddenly pounding as anticipation swelled in her chest. Ben had spoken about the matter before, but it was always so casual. But, her smile stopped as she saw the disheartened look remained on Ben's face.

"Ben?" She questioned, almost breathlessly, "What is on your mind?"

"Lissie," He looked straight at her, eyes now full of anguish. "I'm in a poor position to be asking for your hand right now. I'm still a mere apprentice. I don't have any capital. I need a house for us to live in, for starters!" He sighed.

"But your family….you have opportunities, right?" Felicity asked, her heart sinking.

"Aye, of course." Ben said, taking her hand. "But, when I ask your father for his consent, I need to be able to say exactly what I have, right then and there, to offer you. And right now, I do not have anything." He looked down at his feet, declaring, "'Tis a shameful thing, being a twenty-two year old apprentice!"

"I'm sure my father would understand that you just need a little more time. For God's sake, you were off fighting a war for three years. All of the young men in town seem to be struggling to return to where they left off." Felicity said, squeezing his hand. She didn't like the ashamed front Ben had suddenly put on.

Ben looked at her and gave her a small, grateful smile, placed his free hand on top of hers, then guided it to his cheek and closed his eyes. He said nothing.

Felicity spoke again. "We need to make a plan. When does your apprenticeship contract with my father end?" She took back her hand, and Ben opened his eyes.

"May, I believe." He said.

"So, you have the next nine months to figure out your future plans. Write to your parents soon and tell them you are thinking to raise your claim in the world." She smiled at him. "I'll be eighteen years old by next May, and that is a very fine, proper age for a girl to be wed. I'm sure Mother and Father will be very pleased."

Ben grinned at her, "Aye, I do need to write a few letters. As it goes, I have gotten a few ideas for a proper business, but perhaps now is the time to get organized." He laughed ruefully. "I went for so long under the assumption that I might not have a tomorrow, now I'm having difficulty coming to the realization that I do after all have a future to plan. And," he said, reaching out and brushing a strand of hair back behind her ear, "…I couldn't be more excited about it."

Impulsively, Felicity threw her arms around and embraced him tightly, a moment later feeling Ben run his hands up and down her back. She released him, and he leaned in and pressed his lips against hers. She returned the kiss fiercely, parting her lips and brushing her tongue against his mouth ever so slightly. He wrapped an arm around her waist and his other hand ran up her back to her neck. She pushed his back to the wall and pressed her body against his, all the while prolonging the kiss.

Finally, they broke apart. "Lord have mercy!" Ben sighed. A flush traveled to Felicity's face. She wanted nothing more than to take and kiss him like that again. But, she forced herself to remain still. "We had probably best be finishing up here and heading home. Mother will wonder what is taking so long."

"Aye." Ben nodded, a smile growing across his face. "I'll finish with the counting, if you don't mind looking through the shop to make sure everything is tidy enough. We will be done in no time."

Felicity nodded an affirmative and turned to head towards the back, but Ben took her arm gently. "Lissie, wait." He said, and she turned to face him. "What should we do about…." He gestured awkwardly with his hands. She raised an eyebrow, and he started again, "How should we proceed…right now?"

Felicity pressed her lips together. She had already thought this through, but did not want Ben to get the wrong idea about what she wanted. "I wish to enter a courtship with you, but I fear losing the chance to go for rides with you, and spend time with you away from prying eyes." She stated straightforwardly.

"Aye, I agree." Ben said. "So what do you think we should do? We cannot continue like this for the better part of a year! And I simply don't like the feeling that I am going behind your mother and father's backs." He shook his head.

"Well," Felicity said slowly, "soon the seasons will change, and it will be too cold to take our long rides. At this point I think it would be very fine to tell my parents of your intentions. And by then, enough time will have passed beyond Joseph. We will keep our reputations intact."

Ben gave a slow nod, and Felicity could tell that keeping such a secret from her parents bothered him. Yet, he agreed. "I suppose this is reasonable. But," his brow furrowed a little, "we will have to be very careful as to not let more people on as word travels quickly. Who knows so far?"

Felicity started listing people off. "Nan, obviously. Then William most likely. Who else?"

"Walter, Will, and let's not forget Joseph." Ben made a face. "Let us be careful to not let anyone else know. Yes?"

"May I tell Elizabeth? She has an idea that we have some sort of a relationship." Felicity asked. She had always relied on her friend as a confidant, and wanted to keep her close.

"Aye, of course. Please tell her everything." Ben said. He thought for a moment, then looked at her, a serious expression on his face. "So it is settled then. We will wait to make our relationship known until the winter comes. But I just want you to know, I am happy to tell your parents sooner if you so wish. Just say the word." His eyes shone a bit, and Felicity couldn't tell if it was emotion, or just the lateness of the day. He gave her a warm smile, which she returned before the two of them busied themselves with finishing out the day's tasks to close the store.

…

A week after Ben and Felicity laid out their plan, Felicity told Elizabeth. They were sitting together as they typically did on their visits, with Felicity playing her guitar and Elizabeth working on an embroidery pattern. Since they first started working on their samples back during the lessons at Miss Manderly's home, Elizabeth had shown a skill for complicated stitchery. Felicity always marveled at detail that her friend was capable of; in her opinion Elizabeth was truly an artist. Right now she was working on a scene with colorful chanterelle mushrooms.

After chatting idly for a few minutes about the store, Elizabeth's father, Nan's antics, and William's trouble with the school headmaster, the two of them lapsed into momentarily silence. Elizabeth set her sewing down, and stared at Felicity expectantly.

"Well?" She asked, one eyebrow raised.

"Beg pardon?" Felicity asked, a slight smile playing over her lips.

Elizabeth grinned. "Well, did Joseph propose to you?"

Felicity was slightly taken back. How would Elizabeth have known about Joseph's intentions? Elizabeth spoke again, as if she could read Felicity's mind. "I ran into your mother a few days ago and she told me all about it. Did he ask you?"

"No," Felicity started slowly, thinking all the while. She had told her mother of her wish to break it off more than two weeks ago; why was her mother suddenly going around telling everyone of her now-former suitor's intent to marry her? Either way, Nan had informed Martha of their split, so that was all said and done. She just had to get Elizabeth caught up. She continued, "Actually, we called off the courtship. It was for reasons that I had explained to you two weeks ago. He would be happier with a much different girl." She looked down at her guitar and played a few chords, an odd feeling sitting in her chest.

A concerned look crossed over Elizabeth's face, but she did not look surprised. "Oh, I'm sorry….sorry to hear that. Lissie, are you okay?"

"Of course. It had to be done, and I am well. But," she furrowed her brow, "I don't know why my mother has seemingly been going around telling everyone about the possibility of my engagement with a man that she knew full well I did not want to marry!" She strummed a few minor chords on her guitar.

Elizabeth frowned, "I am not just _anyone_ , Lissie, I am your close friend." Felicity looked up at her, and felt guilty at the hurt look on her friend's face. A little confused at Elizabeth's change in attitude, she spoke up. "I remember on my previous visit with you, I spoke of my concerns with Joseph, and you told me to follow my heart. Are you disappointed that I have broken off my courtship? What exactly did my mother tell you?" She admittedly was feeling a little defensive.

"Well," Elizabeth started, looking down again at her sewing, "she seemed just so pleased that you had found such a respectable and gentle man. She said that Joseph was so much like your father."

"Hmph." Felicity found her mother's assessment to be a little on the inaccurate side. "Respectable, yes. But Joseph is nothing like my father. My father listens to me and cares about my thoughts and feelings." She absentmindedly started picking out a Spanish-styled tune on her guitar.

"Oh. I see. It seems I had the wrong impression. I apologize if there was any offense." Elizabeth looked down at her sewing, making a transparent attempt to look like she was concentrating on counting stiches.

Felicity realized she had completely trampled her friend underfoot, and hastily tried to clear the air. "No worries at all. Perhaps I am feeling a little raw about it. I mean, I'm glad it is over, but these feelings are very complicated. I did like him very much so at one point. Perhaps one day we could even be friendly." She gave Elizabeth a genuine smile, and was relieved to see her friend smile back.

"So," Elizabeth held up two very similar strands of brown thread as if to compare the two, before deciding on the one in her left hand, "what about Ben? He is still in the picture, yes?" She wore a cautious smile.

Felicity couldn't help it. She blushed bright red, and put a hand to her mouth to cover her smile. Elizabeth gave her a big smile, "I knew that this was inevitable. You two are so adorable together!" She leaned forward in her seat. "What do your parents say?"

"Oh, we have not told them yet. We have agreed to keep it a secret for a few more weeks." Felicity let a serious expression cross over her face. "I think it would be best to let some time pass, or folks will think that Ben stole me away from Joseph."

Elizabeth looked at her oddly. "Lissie, wasn't…wasn't that what happened?" She immediately pressed her lips together as if she regretted the question.

Felicity frowned, narrowing her eyes slightly. "No, it actually wasn't what happened. I told you how unhappy I was with Joseph. It would have ended on its own, with or without Ben." Deep down, she questioned if this was one hundred percent true. Ben had not been the deciding factor in her split with Joseph, but he had likely been a catalyst…. She spoke again, "Elizabeth, how fair would it have been to Joseph if I had accepted his engagement and promised to have and to hold him for all eternity if I did not truly love him? Maybe…maybe there was some dishonesty involving Ben, but the dishonesty of promising myself to Joseph for the rest of our lives when I did not love him would have been a far, far worse thing in comparison!" She looked at her lap, hoping that her words would calm Elizabeth's doubts.

Elizabeth gave a slight nod as if she agreed, then asked, "Does Joseph know about Ben?"

Felicity was caught off guard by the question, even if it was a very obvious one. When she had walked into the Coles' home earlier, she had been prepared, almost eager to confide fully in Elizabeth. Now, she was doing her best to dodge her friend's questions. Denying this one would be a boldfaced lie.

"Yes, he does." Felicity admitted, sighing.

Elizabeth did not look at her, and instead concentrated on threading the needle with a brilliant yellow thread. "How did he know? Did you tell him?"

Felicity shifted uncomfortably. "No. He saw us together and came to that conclusion."

Elizabeth raised an eyebrow. "At the store?"

"No." Felicity admitted again. She decided there was no purpose in sugarcoating anything, and would tell her friend the truth. "We went for a walk late at night after drinking most of a bottle of rum together. Joseph was returning from a patient's house. I truly think it was all for the best."

Elizabeth's jaw dropped for just a moment, before she caught herself. She furrowed her brow, and looked as though she was struggling to find the correct words to say. "Lissie, you were drinking rum together?"

Felicity raised her chin, refusing to feel any shame. "Aye. And before you go about yet again thinking the wrong thing, 'twas I that was first drinking it. Ben found me later with it, and tried to get me to give it up."

Elizabeth shook her head as if she was failing to understand what Felicity was saying. After a moment, she spoke up, her reply completely unsurprising at this point. "Lissie, that is _not_ okay! Walking with Ben so late at night, the rum, I assume you both were drunk?" She looked Felicity directly in the eye, "Lissie, I have always admired your boldness, but this is too much! Are you lashing out at something?"

Felicity narrowed her eyes, a retort ready at her tongue. But before she could reply, a third voice spoke up. "Oh come off of it Bitsy! If Felicity wants to have a drunken stroll with another man, then that is her prerogative." The two girls turned as Annabelle walked in. Felicity was stunned. She hadn't realized that the older girl was home. How long had she been listening? Annabelle gave her a rare smile, and continued. "You are in desperate need of a suitor now, and I'm sure this is an example of the many tricks you have lying up your sleeve to hook one." Felicity easily caught the insult hidden here, but she chalked it up to Annabelle just being herself. "Thank you, Annabelle." Felicity said pointedly, before standing up. "I had best return home; there are many things to attend to." Remembering her training, she gave Elizabeth and Annabelle a proper curtsey. "Thank you both so much for extending the invitation to me, and for offering me your company." The sarcasm was thinly veiled.

"Lissie, wait a moment." Elizabeth stood up, apologetic sadness written across her face. She hesitated a moment before speaking up. "I wish you would make more time for me. I feel that life is moving so quickly for you all of the sudden, and I wish not to be left out. I am very happy for you and Ben, but some of the things you told me today; I confess that I am a bit worried about you. I am not just anyone, I am your dearest friend. I hope you do remember that."

"Aye." Felicity looked down. She did not wish to placate Elizabeth, nor did she wish to lash out. She simply wanted to be on her way. "I will call on you next week, if that is agreeable to you."

"Good day, Miss Merriman. Thank you so much for your company, and please give my best to your family." Elizabeth returned Felicity's proper words, although she seemed to speak them genuinely.

As Felicity left the Coles' home she felt slight anger burn in her chest. What right did Elizabeth have to judge her actions and choices? She realized that the best way forward was to simply focus on her and Ben. No one else needed to know, and no one else deserved to know. This was all so simple; why had she not seen it before? She hurried on to the store for a few items that her mother had asked her to pick up.

Ben greeted her with a big smile from behind the counter as she entered through the door. "Miss Merriman! It is a pleasure indeed to see you! Have you come to entertain William and myself with the sounds of your lovely guitar?" Felicity felt her irritation melt away with the sight of Ben. She grinned in response, then looked towards the backroom. "Where is William?"

"Helping your father in the stockroom." Ben said. "I figured I should be the one to go, but I think that William might have gotten into a bit more trouble at school. He might be receiving an earful at the moment. Did you want to go and witness?"

Felicity shook her head, then stepped forward to the counter so she was right across from him. She spoke in a low voice, "Ben, I just came back from the Coles' home." Her irritation resurfaced as Elizabeth's words ran through her mind again. "I told Elizabeth about us, and she did not quite have the reaction I was assuming she would have."

"Oh?" Ben asked, now concerned, "Is she not happy for us? Is…is it some sort of misgiving about me?"

"No, she said she was happy for us. But, she seems to have the assumption that you stole me away from Joseph." Felicity replied. She saw Ben frown slightly, and continued. "I explained to her that my breaking it off with Joseph was inevitable, even with you were not in the picture. I do not love him, and I would not have accepted his proposal."

Ben nodded. "Right." Although Felicity could tell he was still a little troubled. She put a hand over his. "Truthfully, this felt very out of character for her. For years now, she has been poking fun about us and making it clear that we belonged together, so I am a little confused at her attitude today."

Ben clasped her hand. "Did you want me to speak with her?"

Felicity shook her head. "No, I…I would rather you not." She looked into Ben's eyes and smiled. "I realized on my walk over here that we should just focus on us. I don't want the misgivings of others casting a shadow over us. At a later time we can invite everyone in on us, but for the time being, let's just be happy together."

"Aye." Ben said, giving her a genuine smile. "So let us begin!"

There began a period of time that Felicity would look back throughout her life, and consider to be a time of pure, simple happiness. Ben had been there as a good friend for years, but now he was truly her companion. She was amazed at her good fortune that he was always right there, working with her in the store, going on riding excursions with her, and sitting across from her at the dinner table. As she laid down to sleep each night, she felt his closeness as he laid not more than 50 yards away in his bed. She noticed a similar change in Ben. It was true that he had always been on quiet side as far back as Felicity had known him, but after returning to carry out his apprenticeship, there was a new melancholic air about him that Felicity had chalked it up to all of the hardship he had faced during his time as a soldier. But now, he smiled a lot more, told stories and jokes, and happily engaged in conversation with customers at the store. As for the two of them, there were many opportunities to share small, stolen moments together despite the cloak of secrecy.

….

Through the remainder of August, Ben wrote and sent a few letters back and forth to his father and uncles in Yorktown and elsewhere, regarding his establishment of claim to the family business. He had avoided mentioning Felicity, although he knew that his mother was also looking for any clues in that regard. He had since spoken to Walter and Will about his idea for establishing a shop where he could buy and sell fine art from the colonies, and the two men readily agreed that it was niche worth exploring.

"Just think! It is looking more and more each day like General Washington will be victorious, and the Colonies will become a sovereign nation! Having a proper trade in art to Europe will be so important for establishing us as civilized people!" Ben had told his friends. He knew that Will had connections to woodworking and sculpting networks throughout the Southern Colonies, and his sister and Brother in Law were involved in the collection and curation of paintings up in Philadelphia. Additionally, Mr. Merriman and several of the shopkeepers in the area had been buying goods, including pottery from the nearby Pawmunkey reservation to replace the shortage of British goods. Perhaps there was a market there as well.

He had hesitated with the thought of sharing his idea in the early stages with Felicity, but only out of nervousness. Would she think him foolish? On the contrary, she had loved the idea. "I didn't think you were into the fine arts!" She had said, and he retorted, "How could anyone dislike art? You know that I enjoy sketching, right?" She had simply smiled, and asked for more details.

He was thinking over how his ideas were coming together one late afternoon in early September as he and Edward set out a few rakes near the front door of Merriman's store. The leaves had yet to change, but he knew it would happen soon, and quickly.

The door opened, and William walked in. "The postmaster had a letter for you." He handed it over, then went to talk with his father.

Ben turned them out, and broke the seal of the letter. He unfolded it, and recognized his father's handwriting. He began to read.

 _September 2_ _nd_ _, 1781_

 _Dear Ben,_

 _It was so good for your mother and I to receive your last letter. We think that the addition of native art to your collection would be of great interest to the citizens of Northern Europe. I have written to my brother Lewis up in Boston, and it would be good for you to do the same. As you know, he has connections to a shipping company that has not suffered too many financial setbacks from the war. Your mother has written a letter to her brother, your uncle Magnus back in Copenhagen about the possibilities of setting up trade. As you know, a reply will take several weeks so it is best to exercise patience. I know this is difficult for you, son, but you must try!_

 _Lastly and most importantly, Ben, this will be a very expensive endeavor. It seems you have enough connections to get started and there is money in the family to help you out, but my advice to you is to seek investors and contracts as well. My brother can help you with that if you feel lost._

 _I assume you have already written to Anna about a collection of Revolutionary War art? Might I also suggest landscape paintings of the Americas? I believe there will be a demand for this as well._

 _Lastly, your mother wants to know if you have thought about fulfilling other goals in your life. I urge you to write a letter to her regarding this._

 _All of my best,_

 _Your father_

He was folding the letter back up when the door swung open, and a large, barrel-shaped man came in. Ben put on a smile as Edward greeted the man. "Mr. Wentworth! It has been awhile. What brings you in today?"

Mr. Wentworth shook Edward's hand. "The Wife and I have been south in Charleston for the summer. I don't know why we bothered, the heat was just terrible." Edward chuckled. "I doubt it was much better here. The heat has now just started to break, and I think we have all been ready for it."

"I believe you have had more of a peaceful time here. The fighting was particularly bad in the Carolinas. My dear Patricia took it hard. She insisted we return early, and bring our son and his family with. Anyways, we were hoping to get a few blankets and items for our new grandson." He turned to Ben. "Lad, would you know for sure what to collect? My wife should have been the one to come by, but she is quite busy getting our family settled. She gave me a list, but I seem to have forgotten it!" He guffawed, and gave Ben a slap on the back.

"Aye Sir, of course." Ben glanced at Edward, who nodded at him with encouragement. He then wandered through the different aisles, thinking all the while what types of things his sisters had deemed necessary for their new children. He gathered a few light blankets, some simple gowns, muslin cloth for cleaning, then walked back and put these items on the counter. On his second pass, he gathered a pudding cap, a teething rattle, some gentle soap, and a few pairs of tiny stockings.

Ben arranged these items for Mr. Wentworth, explaining their use as Edward and William looked on. Lastly, he recommended the carpentry shop in case he was in need of a cradle of a baby chair.

As he finished, Mr. Wentworth looked him in the eye. "You seem to know quite a lot about the needs of little babies!"

Ben nodded, realizing he was blushing a bit. "Aye Sir, I have quite a few nieces and nephews."

Mr. Wentworth laughed, and pointed a finger at him. "I'm on to you Lad! I know all about you!" Before Ben could work out the meaning of this sentence, he had turned to Edward. "You know what they say, right Merriman? When you take in and train an apprentice, you are also training a future Son-in-Law!"

Ben felt the color drain from his face as he racked his brains thinking of how exactly Mr. Wentworth could be "on to him." A few times as he walked through town with Felicity, he had realized that they were holding hands. Then, there was all of the times in which they had stolen away to share kisses behind the milliner's shop, the grocery shop, the florist…..

He noticed William had started laughing, and Mr. Wentworth was still talking. "My wife was wondering about your eldest daughter, Felicity. She is such a pretty young thing. We heard that she had called it off with her physician suitor. I imagine she would be looking again." He gave an exaggerated nod towards Ben, who found himself wishing that the floorboards would give away under him. _Don't say another word, Old_ _Man!_ He thought fiercely.

Luckily, Ben could tell that Edward did not care either for this sort of gossip, even more so that it was regarding Felicity. He gave a good natured smile, and nodded towards Ben. "She could do worse!"

Mr. Wentworth grinned and took out a small purse to pay for the items. "It is not my intention to be such a gossip, Lad, and I apologize if I've made you uneasy. But, the Wife will demand information just as much as she demands all of the baby things, so it goes!" He reached out and shook Ben's hand. "Thanks for the tip about the cradle. I'll stop by and see what the carpenters can do for me." With this, he was on his way.

Ben slowly looked towards Edward and William. William was grinning widely, but Edward had already gone to pull out the ledger and record the purchases, giving no hint that he suspected any truth to Mr. Wentworth's words. Ben let out a sigh of relief that he was sure did not escape William, and turned back to the display.

…

Come early October, the air had rapidly become significantly chillier, and Felicity and Ben were out on probably what would be their final long ride until the springtime again.

Felicity looked over at Ben and grinned. "I don't know why we did not think to explore these woods until recently. They are so lovely!"

Ben smiled back. "I agree. What is better is that they are completely empty. How many times have we been here? There is not a soul about!" He looked around himself. "This seems like a good of place as any to stop and relax, what say you, Love?"

"Most definitely!" Agreed Felicity. Ben jumped down from Patriot, then walked over and helped Felicity down from Penny's back. The two of them tied the horses around adjacent trees, then settled down to rest a bit. There, they laid in each other's arms, making idle conversation about the places they have traveled to in the Colonies. She was surprised that Ben had traveled to many distant cities, including Baltimore and Philadelphia. In comparison, the furthest away Felicity had ever been was Norfolk. The thought left her feeling slightly melancholy.

"I always would look at the items in my father's store and imagine all of the faraway places I they had come from." She wistfully rattled them off, "Tea from China, spices from India, coffee from Africa, flower bulbs from the Netherlands…" She turned towards Ben as a thought entered her mind. "Ben, your mother is from Copenhagen, is she not?"

"Aye, she is." Ben replied.

"She still has family there, no?" Felicity asked, hoping that these were not prying questions.

"Of course." Ben said, "I still have aunts and uncles there, and many, many cousins. I've never met them, but we would exchange letters regularly."

"Do you ever dream about visiting?" Felicity asked.

Ben did not answer, as they both heard a noise in the distance. It sounded almost like a woman calling out. He sat up, and Felicity followed suit. Ben rifled through his bag, then pulled out a small pistol and a few bullets. He then set out in the direction of the sound, with Felicity close behind.

The two of them walked quietly in the direction of the sound, and as they reached the edge of an embankment, Ben held out his hand to Felicity as if to hold her back. She dropped to her knees and crawled towards the edge to peer over.

In the far distance, there was a man and a woman together with not a stich of clothing on. The woman had her back to the two of them as she sat atop the man, who was lying on his back. They seemed to move together in rhythm, and Felicity felt her breath hitch. A moment later, the man sat up, wrapped his arms around the woman and rolled them both over, very much like Ben had done when they were kissing up in his loft. She turned towards Ben, who had also dropped to his knees and was watching the couple with wide eyes. "Ben!" She whispered, and it was a good moment before he seemed to snap out of it and turn back towards her. She realized she was grinning wildly. "They are….it looks like they are making love!" She turned back towards the couple. The man was now on top, his face buried in his lover's neck and her arms wrapped around his back as he continued riding her. Felicity had read mild descriptions of sexual love in novels before, but she had of course never seen it before. She continued to watch, completely enthralled.

"Lissie," Ben said, breaking her out of her reverie. She turned, and saw that he was smiling, a deep blush across his face. "We must leave. They should have their privacy."

"Yes, you are correct." Felicity nodded, but turned back and found herself continuing to watch.

"Lissie!" Ben hissed, and she turned towards him, blinking. "Oh, right!" He helped her stand, and she followed him back to where Penny and Patriot were tied up.

All the while, she pictured herself sitting atop Ben, her hands running along his chest as he held onto and guided her hips.

….

On October 20th, rumors flew through the town that the British had surrendered after nearly a three week-long siege in Yorktown. This rumor was confirmed the very next day that General Cornwallis had officially surrendered to General Washington. All day long there were crowds of people about the streets, yelling and singing patriotic songs. Edward Merriman had closed his shop for the day as if it was holiday.

"Is the war over? Are you glad to hear the news?" Polly asked Ben that afternoon.

"The war is not yet officially, over, no. But I don't think the British will be able to regain the upper hand. This was a humiliating defeat for them, indeed!" Ben had explained to Polly.

"But, are you happy about it?" Polly had asked. Despite the simplicity of the question, Felicity knew that Polly was searching for a deeper meaning.

Ben picked up on this, and thought for a moment before replying. "Yes Polly, now that I have heard from my family and I know they are safe, I can say that I am really, truly happy that we have won this battle. I know my efforts, and the efforts of my fellow soldiers have not been in vain." He grinned at her, and reached out to straighten her mob cap.

The Merrimans had numerous guests over for dinner that evening to share over the good news. Felicity was happy to see that the Coles were among them; she had been a little worried that there would be some trouble given the Coles' ambiguous loyalties.

Several of the guests had brought wine to dinner, more than enough to be distributed around the table. Felicity was a little wary of alcohol, remembering fully how ill the rum had made her feel. Yet, she felt it would be impolite to pass it up. She took a sip, and acknowledged to herself that it tasted pretty good. She had tasted wine like this before, a few years back as she prepared to play the role of the Autumn Maiden at Publick Times. She felt eyes on her at that moment, and looked up to see Ben watching her from across the table. He smiled at her apologetically, and held his own wine glass up in a silent salutation. She copied his motion, and took a sip. Her head felt a little giddy as she continued to watch Ben. He had large hands and long fingers, but still held the wine glass incredibly delicately. He swirled the glass slightly, and took another sip, then placed it down and turned his attention to what her father was saying. She studied his face, and acknowledged that it was indeed an understatement that Ben was very handsome. He had such lovely eyes. She had looked at them closely once upon a time ago, back when she was still a child and he had not yet enlisted in the army. She had noted that they were not completely brown, but contained green flecks of color throughout.

Felicity smiled at the memory, and again focused on Ben. He was speaking back at her father. She watched his mouth move, and wondered if it was okay to admire a man's lips. Were lips only considered an aspect of feminine beauty? She decided that it didn't matter; Ben had beautiful lips. She picked up her wine and took a rather improperly long sip, then swirled around what was left of her glass. Her eyes went towards Ben again, and she watched as he gestured with his hands. Without listening to what he was saying, she shifted her attention from his mouth to his hands, and back again. Instantly, her mind flashed back to that day during Publick Times, his hands running up and down her back, and his lips against hers. She could still taste everything, all rock candy and spicy rum. A slight flush spread across her face and crept down her neck. She looked back at his eyes that always seemed to change color, and wished to check one more time to see what shade they actually were.

All this time, Ben was still listening to her father talk. Why was he not paying attention to her? This would not do. Underneath the table, she picked up her foot and nudged Ben's knee. He jumped a little bit and stared at her. She feigned innocence, draining her wine glass and setting it down as she continued to prod Ben's knee. A smile spread across his face as he grabbed the closest bottle and refilled his empty glass. He then moved his hand off the table, and with one swift motion, seized her ankle. Felicity jumped, hoping that no one noticed her startle. She looked down the table, relieved to see that everyone was locked in respective conversations. Ben smirked at her, and she felt him remove her shoe. She continued to poke at his knee with her toes, and she felt him pull her closer, making her slide forward in her chair. She felt his fingers trace up and down her stockinged leg, before finding the tie to her garter, which he promptly pulled free. She felt him pull her loose stocking to her ankle, and ran his hand up her bare leg. The feeling was wonderful. Felicity closed her eyes and slid as far forward in her chair as she could, allowing his fingers to reach her knee, and he stroked her kneecap in a circular motion, then ran his entire palm back down to her ankle and back up again to rest on her mid-calf. She opened her eyes to see that he was studying her face. She gave him a smile, and he blushed. At that moment, she wished more than anything in the world that they could be alone so that she could kiss him.

A bit later, when the guests had all gathered in the sitting room for more wine and conversation, Felicity took the opportunity to escape up to her bedroom and re-secure her stocking. On her way back down, she noticed Ben waiting for her at the bottom of the stairs, wearing a sheepish smile. As she reached the bottom, he blushed and offered a whispered apology, such that the guests sitting nearby did not hear him. "Lissie, I am so sorry to have behaved in such a manner-" He did not get to finish, as Felicity had seized the back of his neck and kissed him fiercely on the lips, pinning him against the wall. He wrapped his arms around her and returned it; the two of them swaying together, not minding the fact that her parents sat less than 10 feet away in the next room with all of their friends and neighbors.

As they broke apart, Ben whispered once again, "Lissie, I need to speak with your parents."

"Aye." Felicity whispered back.

"When?" Ben asked.

"Very soon." Felicity said with finality, drawing him into an embrace.

…

Author's notes:

1) This chapter serves to tell the story of Felicity Falling in Love. We know that Ben loves her, but all that we know so far is that first, Felicity likes the way he treats her, and second, he is better than Joseph. I wanted to make sure that she actually falls in love with him before I continue further with this story.

2) I read a little on negotiating a marriage back in Colonial times, and Ben's worries are completely founded. It doesn't matter how much Felicity's father likes Ben, If you want a wife, you need a house to put her in, at the very least.

3) I wrote the final section of this story ages ago, and I think it definitely reads like my earlier work. It might be a little cringey, but I feel like it is history. So, I'm keeping it.

4) I've already written a good portion of the next chapter, which is one that I'm really looking forward to posting!


	9. Chapter 9

**Author's Note** : I'm breaking tradition with this chapter. The middle section is written in a POV that is neither Felicity, nor Ben.

…

"Are any of these similar to what you are looking for, Ma'am?" Ben asked as he gestured towards a display of cooking spoons. "I believe we have a few more in our stockroom just in case you cannot find the perfect one." He smiled politely and waited a moment as the woman he was helping leaned over and examined them. She turned back towards him and smiled. "I think one of these will do nicely. Thank you young man, I can carry on from here."

"My pleasure." Ben nodded in her direction and walked back towards the counter. Since the British defeat at Yorktown a few weeks prior, there had been an influx of imported goods available to the Colonies and the shelves at the store were nearly full to levels almost similar to what they had been before the war. Reflecting this, there were a great many customers inside the store, all looking for items that had not been available for a long while since. Both Edward Merriman and Marcus were present, and William would be stopping by soon after school to offer a hand.

After stopping and offering help to a few more folks, he realized that he had a brief moment to himself. He reached into the pocket of his vest and pulled out a note from Felicity. He had already looked upon it several times since she had given it to him, but it never failed to put a smile on his face. He unfolded it once again, and gazed upon the heart she had drawn. It read, " _To Ben_ ", and was followed by her signature. He smiled as he remembered receiving only a drawing of a heart, and had demanded that she at least sign her name to it.

 _"In case you forget it is from me?"_ Felicity had asked in a teasing tone. She had taken it back and signed it, only to think for a moment more and address it properly. " _So you know for sure whom I am giving my heart to_." She had added with a smile.

A clatter made him look up, and he saw one of the customers who had previously turned down any help, bend down to pick up fallen silverware. He looked up towards Ben. "My apologies, Sir. My fingers have gotten clumsy in their old age." Ben nodded slowly, noting that the man didn't look a day over forty. The man stood up, and carried the silverware back to their shelf several feet away.

Why would the man carry all the silverware around if he had no intention of purchasing it?

Something didn't seem right. Ben folded up the note and put it back into the pocket of his vest, then stepped out from behind the counter and spoke up. "Sir, you can bring the silverware up here, and I will ring the lot up for you." He made sure to smile in case there was a misunderstanding.

"No thank you, young man. I've decided against the silverware. I'll just look a few moments more, no need to help!" The man gave an odd twisted smile, and turned away towards the back isles.

Ben watched the man disappear, then turned back to the counter. He figured he would get another chance to confront him if necessary by the door. He surveyed the room, looking for any signs that someone might need any assistance. Everyone seemed content, so he sat down on the stool behind the counter.

The door swung open, and William walked in. Seeing Ben, he tossed his arms into the air and declared, "Done with a long day of forced indoctrination, and now to begin my indentured servitude!"

Ben smiled and answered him, "How utterly painful and grueling your life is!"

William approached the counter and tossed his bookbag unceremoniously down, then addressed Ben. "Where is my father?"

Ben nodded towards the back. "Helping Marcus arrange new stock." He pressed his lips together, adding ruefully, "That used to be my job, and I'm more than capable of taking it back over-" William cut in, clucking his tongue like Rose always would, "But we all know that you are a delicate flower that can't bear heavy lifting." Ben smiled and shook his head as William walked around the counter to sit down next to Ben.

William watched him a moment more, before speaking up again. "Now that I have arrived, don't be thinking that you can just disappear off to find my sister like always. I see you."

Ben scoffed indignantly. "When have I ever done that?" By now he had gotten used to William's needling regarding Felicity. It was harmless, and the boy always was careful only to make jokes when Mr. and Mrs. Merriman were not in earshot. Whatever pact he had made with Felicity stuck, and he was true to his word.

William grinned. "Anyways, she is not at home. Mother sent her and Nan to do a ton of spinning at the Matthews' home, and it will likely take them all day." He then sighed, and pulled out his copy book. "It seems there is nothing that I need to do just this moment, so I should work on my arithmetic."

"Actually," Ben said, speaking in a low voice, "I am suspicious that there is a thief about. Do you think you could attend to the counter while I go look for him?"

William raised an eyebrow at him. "There is a thief in the store, and you are just letting him shop about?"

"Well, I'm not entirely convinced he was intending to steal things. Just something…" Ben paused, searching for the right words, "Something did not feel right. But, I also did not want to harass an innocent man, do you understand me?" He gave William a serious look.

At that moment, a shrill voice rang out. _"THIEF!"_

For a split second, the entire store was eerily silent. Then came the angry shouts.

"The man in the shabby vest!"

"THIEF!"

"Stop him!"

"He is running to the door!"

"Somebody catch him!"

Impulse took over and Ben vaulted over the counter as the man flung open the door and ran out. He jumped down the entire staircase in one go, then tore off down the street after the man, the chilly November air cutting into his lungs. His ribs ached slightly in protest, and he realized that he had not had a proper run since before his injury. Nevertheless, he easily caught up to, and tackled the man.

"Oof!" The man hit the ground hard, but recovered from the shock easily and twisted around to take a swing at Ben. Ben easily deflected, recalling his close combat training in the army. He blocked another blow with his forearm, and placed his knee down onto the man's chest with his other foot pinning the man's right arm to the ground. The man grunted in response and struggled as other customers and passerby's approached them.

Breathing hard, Ben needed a bit of effort to keep his voice even. "Sir, give back what you stole, and things will be easy for you." The man coughed and struggled to speak, and Ben balanced his weight backwards slightly to lessen the pressure on the man's chest. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Edward and William pushing their way to the front of the crowd. Momentarily distracted, Ben turned towards them, just in time to see their faces change from anger to alarm. He turned back just in time to see the man's free arm form a wide arc, his hand holding something shiny and metallic. The blow didn't feel like a normal punch as Ben was expecting; instead it felt like a lightning bolt had stuck his side. Stunned, he sat backwards onto the cold ground, his hand wrapping around where the bolt had hit. He could only watch as the man sat up, only to be gathered into a headlock and dragged away by men that he couldn't quite identify at the moment. He looked down at the ground, and noticed that there was a bloody knife lying there.

 _His hand was holding something shiny and metallic._

He held up the hand that had been clutching his struck side, and saw that it was covered in blood. In the far distance, he vaguely heard more shouting and a few screams.

 _I've been stabbed._

At that moment, shocked feeling in his side changed to fire as he imagined the angry, severed muscle, and he pressed his hand back over the wound, taking in a sharp breath at the pain. Edward knelt down beside him and placed his hands over Ben's shoulders in support. "Can you stand up, Ben? The sooner we get you out of here the better." Ben looked up, and saw fear in the man's eyes, despite the calm voice. He took a shaky, odd breath and gave a slight nod, then placed his free hand on the ground to attempt to push himself to standing. As he did this, Marcus appeared at his side and helped Edward haul him to his feet.

"Easy, Lad." Edward held him steady as he swayed dangerously, all of his effort going towards the fire in his side. Wait…was it actually fire? Now everything felt freezing cold, as if he had been stabbed by an icicle. He felt his knees start to buckle, and Marcus held him in place. Edward appeared in front of him, again bracing his shoulders with both hands. "You have to breathe easy, Ben. You are going to be okay. We just have to get you home."

Ben gave another short nod and closed his eyes, trying to concentrate on the task at hand. His left arm remained wrapped around his right side where the knife had gone in, and his right arm strangely felt useless. He put more pressure into his hand, but still felt blood oozing through.

"Ben? Are you with me?" Edward asked in the same artificially calm voice. He opened his eyes and tried to focus. Edward spoke again. "As long as you keep moving, you will be fine. Come on, let's walk. William has run to get help. I am right here, and Marcus is on your other side. We will support you. Come on, Lad. One foot in front of the other."

Ben slowly turned his head in the direction of the Merriman home, and his vision swam. He gritted his teeth and took a step, then another. _This is completely doable_. He thought, trying to ignore the pain in his side that was threatening to overwhelm him. He felt Edward and Marcus bracing him on both sides.

 _I've done this before._

He thought back to those horrible two hours that it took to walk back to camp after being thrown from a horse, trying the best he could to brace his broken arm and refusing all help lest it make his cracked ribs worse.

 _One foot in front of the other._

Vaguely, he realized that the pain in his side had abetted a little. He tried moving his hand away, and felt his shirt, sticky with blood, shift a little bit. He looked down to survey the damage, and saw that his entire right side was stained dark red. There was suddenly a rushing sound in his ears as nausea seemed to roll through his entire body, and his knees buckled again, betraying him.

Edward's voice cut through the fog, his and Marcus's hands gripping his arms like a vice. "Ben! Don't stop now. We are getting closer." Ben took a deep breath and willed his legs to support him once again. Yet, despite his resolve, he had seen how men who suffered stab wounds would eventually fare.

 _I've done it now. I've gotten myself killed over two dollars worth of silverware._

 _Lissie is going to be furious that I've broken my promise never to die._

Suddenly, it felt like he had gotten shoved into a wall. Someone was snapping their fingers a little too close to his face.

 _What the hell is going on?_

The snapping stopped, and instead presumably the same fingers were tapping him on the cheek. A voice that sounded like Edward's called out, fear now evident in his voice.

"With me, lad. With me!"

He realized his eyes were closed and opened them, seeing that several people were standing over him. He made out the figures of Edward and Marcus and tried to focus, coming to the realization that the wall that he had been shoved into was in actuality him falling and hitting the ground. As he laid there, he found that he could actually make out what people around him were shouting, and tuned in. He closed his eyes, which allowed him to concentrate better on the voices even as the open wound in his side continued to throb angrily. Hands that did not belong to him pressed down on his side as he felt blood continue to pump out. _This is an action that cannot be undone_. He thought, strangely amused as he remembered Elizabeth Cole reciting that line once upon a time ago.

"Merriman, can I offer my assistance?"

"He is bleedin' like a stuck pig!"

"Hold your tongue, boy!"

"He is not stirring. Can we get a pallet?"

"Come on, Lad! Open your eyes!"

"They will hang the murderer for sure!"

 _Did someone get murdered? When was there a murder?_ He thought sleepily, and the voices all blurred together into some indiscriminate hum. He thought about making one last effort to open his eyes and appease Edward, but it was far too difficult. It was at that point that the ground slowly gave out from under him, and he allowed himself to fall once again.

…..

Dr. Joseph Stevens, residing physician of Williamsburg, ran quickly down Duke of Gloucester street after William Merriman. The boy had been lucky to catch him; typically there were many house calls and he was away from his office more often than not.

 _A town this size should have at least two physicians._

As the two of them got closer to the Merriman home, Joseph went through what little information he had gotten from William to prepare for the task ahead of him. Davidson had been stabbed in his right side, although the boy didn't quite know the exact location. And, after being stabbed, he seemed to be more in shock and disbelief than pain.

One thing was certain. He had to ignore any personal feelings involving Davidson, and just focus on the task at hand.

As the two of them entered through the gate and approached the front door, Joseph got a deep sense of nostalgia over the countless times he had entered the property with the anticipation that he would be spending time with Felicity. Sadness came over him, threatening to break through the unemotional front he put on as he worked.

They entered the home, and Mrs. Merriman's voice cut through his reverie. "Joseph! Oh thank God you've arrived!" Joseph saw that her hands were stained with blood, which he also saw splattered across her gown. "Right this way." She said, and he followed her through the very familiar path to the sitting room.

Ben Davidson laid across a sofa, eyes closed and unmoving. His shirt was soaked with blood, as was the linens he laid atop. Mr. Merriman was kneeling on the ground and pressing a piece of cloth, also blood-soaked, against Davidson's side in what looked like an attempt to slow down the bleeding. As he turned to acknowledge Joseph, the desperation in his eyes was clear. "It is so good to see you, Dr. Stevens."

Joseph had always been fond of Mr. and Mrs. Merriman, and sadness washed over him again as he realized how much he had missed them. He stopped himself right there and forced his shield of unemotional professionalism down. He placed his bag down and addressed the man in his most nondescript manner. "Likewise Sir. I just wish it wasn't under these circumstances."

Mr. Merriman stepped aside, and pulled up a chair for Joseph. He sat down, and pulled up Davidson's shirt to have a look at where the knife went in. He immediately noticed the location of the stick on the lower right mid-section. He pulled out a few instruments to examine more closely as William chattered at him, a frantic edge to his voice. "After he was stabbed, he didn't speak a word, and didn't act like he was in pain. Is that a good sign?"

 _Not really. It's usually patients that are screaming and carrying on that make it through._ Joseph thought, but he didn't dare tell the boy. "I've seen all sorts of reactions. Perhaps Ben here has a high pain tolerance." He replied, not looking up.

"Father also told me that he walked several paces as well. That is surely good, right?" William kept chattering.

"Hush, boy! Let Dr. Stevens work!" Mrs. Merriman thankfully commanded.

Joseph took two metal probes and stuck one into the wound to see how deep it went, then used the other to pull the other side away. Thankfully, ample sunlight filtered through the adjacent window, making his work easier.

 _You lucky bastard._

He looked up, addressing Mr. and Mrs. Merriman. "The wound is survivable." He heard sighs of relief from both of them, and kept talking. "My focus here will be to clean the wound and stop the bleeding. If I can do both of these things, then he will be in minimal danger."

Rose re-appeared with a basin of hot water and cut Davidson's shirt away, then got to work cleaning all of the blood away as if she had done this many times before. Joseph got to work pre-cleaning his tools, then applied a salve to the wound and used a hooked instrument to get it deep into the knife stick, as blood continued to ooze.

 _I need a plan B_. He thought, and called out to Mrs. Merriman. "Ma'am, would you please rest a poker in the fire place?" She went to do his bidding, and he focused back on Davidson again. He could see his eyes moving from beneath his eyelids, and he would flinch slightly when Joseph pulled on the knife wound.

"He seems to be just below the surface. I am going to try and wake him up before I begin stitching. I don't want him to startle in the middle of the procedure and ruin the delicate work needed." He took out a small pair of tweezers, then slowly and painfully pulled a small clump of hair from Davidson's left eyebrow. The man flinched again, but didn't stir. _You asked for it_. Joseph thought, then took his knuckle and pressed it against Davidson's breastbone, and dragged it heavily upwards. Davidson's eyes flew open and focused on Joseph, panic flashing through them. He held up a bloody hand and pressed it weakly into Joseph's chest in an effort to push him away, then pressed the hand back down to the sofa as if he was going to bring himself to sitting.

Mr. Merriman saw Davidson's efforts and rushed forward to try and restrain him. Taking a cue from her husband, Mrs. Merriman took one of Davidson's hands and squeezed it, speaking to him in a comforting voice. "Easy, lad. Dr. Stevens is here to help you. He says that you will be fine, but he has to stitch you up. Now please hold still."

It worked. Ben seemed to calm down, but he did look towards Joseph and gasp, "Not you. Anyone but you."

Joseph fought the urge to roll his eyes. "Trust me, this is not fun for me either. And do relax. I'm not going to harm you. I told you that I took an oath to do no harm to a patient." Ben closed his eyes and mumbled something that Joseph could quite make out, then said in a clearer voice, "whatever you need to do then."

"That's what I wanted to hear." Joseph said grimly. He quickly ran his tools through the boiling water that Rose had fetched, then got to work. As he stuck the needle in, Ben squeezed his eyes shut and inhaled sharply. His right hand gripped Mrs. Merriman's hand, and his left hand gripped a handful of linen. "I can't believe you are making a pincushion out of me." He said in a strained voice.

"Like I said, not exactly a delight for me either." Joseph answered flatly. Davidson thankfully did not speak again as Joseph continued to work. He expertly made a few more stitches and studied them, feeling wary that the blood flow was not decreasing as swiftly as he would have liked. "Ma'am?" he addressed Rose, who jumped in and wiped the new blood away, as more continued to seep out.

"Is something wrong?" Davidson's voice was a little slurred. "Are you going to kill me?" "Yes and No, Davidson," he replied, as if he was speaking to a child. "Yes, the thing that is wrong is that you have a stab wound. And no, I'm not going to kill you because it would raise a little suspicion if you died at my hand, don't you think?" He received no reply, and wondered if Mr. and Mrs. Merriman thought anything of it. As he continued stitching, he thought about Felicity with Davidson. He had avoided thinking about the two of them for quite some time for obvious reasons, but the topic was unavoidable as Davidson laid in front of him, bleeding out. He had not heard any word, rumor or confirmed that the two of them were a couple. So either folks were being sensitive about the subject in his presence, or their relationship was secret. He knew the former was highly unlikely, so, it had to be a secret.

Either way, he knew that he saw nothing to gain by outing the two of them.

Mrs. Merriman's voice cut into his thoughts. "Ben? Lad? Are you still with us? Squeeze my hand." She commanded, worry evident in her voice. Joseph looked up, and noticed Davidson's grip had gone slack. He addressed Mrs. Merriman, "He is breathing fine, and I am almost finished here. Perhaps the kindest thing to do to is to let him sleep." Still, he considered Davidson's pallor, and the amount of blood that had spilled onto the linens that covered the sofa. "Sir," he addressed Mr. Merriman, "perhaps it would be good for you to get a stack of books, or something of the sort and put them under Ben's feet for elevation."

The shifting of his feet caused Davidson to stir a bit. He turned his head to Joseph, and asked in an odd, slurred tone, " 'm I going to be okay?"

"I reckon so. The knife missed all the crucial parts. You were either lucky, or the assailant had extensive medical training and no desire to kill you." Joseph allowed a tight smile. "I'm guessing it is the former."

"'Tis very good to hear." Davidson said. "I feel 'tis though I am not done yet, d'you understand me?"

This statement piqued Joseph's curiosity. "Done with what?"

"Living." Davidson simply said, speaking at bit more clearly. He picked up his free hand and put it over his eyes in a way that patients often did during a procedure.

"Indeed." Joseph said. "That makes sense, because you have a lot to live for." He hoped that the Merrimans would not catch on to the bitterness in his voice. _Just a few more stitches to go, then I can wrap up quickly and get out of here and hopefully never return._

Davidson did not reply, so Joseph continued. "So I have to ask. What were you thinking, attacking this man? You had no idea how dangerous he was."

"Can't abide by a thief." Davidson muttered, his hand still covering his eyes.

Hearing this, Joseph had to keep himself from laughing out loud. "That's funny." He said wryly, "I too, can't abide by a thief."

Davidson went silent, taking his hand away from his eyes and resting it back at his side. A moment later, he spoke again. "I know that you believe that I was a thief who stole Felicity from you."

Startled, Joseph looked up. Davidson's head was turned towards him as if he was addressing him, but his eyes were completely unfocused, as if he was staring off into an abyss.

"Ben?" Mrs. Merriman asked, squeezing his hand. "Whatever do you mean by this?"

"I'm not going to comment on that." Joseph responded to Davidson. _Don't you dare say another word, you scoundrel!_ He thought.

Davidson continued. "You don't know her like I do. To you she is just a pretty face." His eyes closed again, and he took a shaky breath before continuing. "You don't see her as a person."

Joseph narrowed his eyes. "Yes, she made that abundantly clear to me." He suddenly remember he had asked to have a poker rest in the fire in case the wound needed to be cauterized. Perhaps he might still have a need for it…..

 _No._

In his delirium, Davidson kept talking, "I'm truly sorry that you have been hurt in all of this. But I love Felicity, and she loves me too. I thought it best to leave well enough alone, but when I overheard you complaining about her at the tavern many months ago, I saw fit to act." His eyes had closed again, and he was slurring his speech.

Joseph looked up, and saw the expressions on Mr. and Mrs. Merrimans' faces. Mrs. Merriman looked confused, but by the way that Mr. Merriman looked, Davidson was practically digging his own grave. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw William edging towards the door, and it all became clear to him.

Felicity and Davidson were keeping their relationship secret, not just from the public, but from her own parents.

Mr. Merriman finally spoke. He looked up at William, and commanded. "Sit back down and stay there!"

Thankfully, Joseph had finished with all of the stitches. He took a cloth and wiped away residual blood, then studied his work. The stitches had stopped nearly all of the blood flow. Normally this would have been a sight of relief, but in this particular case, a small part of him was hoping to use the hot poker.

 _Remember, you took an oath. The poker would do more harm than good at this point. You have a reputation to uphold._

 _What goes around comes around, and they will get theirs. Judging by the look on Mr. Merriman's face, it may be soon._

He stood up, and addressed Mr. and Mrs. Merriman. "Ma'am, Sir, I think we are finished here. Davidson was extremely lucky to have received such a non-fatal blow. The stitches seem to be holding just fine." He nodded towards Davidson, who had slipped back into unconsciousness at some point within the last two minutes. He gave the Merrimans a meaningful look. "'Twould be best to let him sleep as long as he wants for the time being. Don't let him move suddenly for the next day or so. If he must get up, have him hold a pillow to his side for comfort and help him along. The main goal here is not disturb the stitching." _I have no desire to come back here for a repair job._

"When can we expect to have him up and moving normally again?" Mr. Merriman asked, no emotion in his voice as the three of them walked to the front hall.

Joseph thought for a moment, wondering what the real question was. "At least a week. I expect he may be a bit feverish for a day or so as his body reacts to such a shock. Give him plenty of herbal tea if that happens. In two weeks, he may have the stitches removed. I don't have to do that; the apothecary is perfectly capable of handling the task." _So please don't ask me._

Mrs. Merriman had been silent for a good long while, but she finally spoke. "Jo- Dr. Stevens, is it….is there any truth to what Ben was saying?"

For weeks now, Joseph had gone between a desire to out them so that the public could see what Felicity and Davidson truly were, and a desire to just say nothing and show that he was the better man. Up until now, the latter had won out.

Now, he felt like he needed to answer truthfully. He nodded towards Mr. and Mrs. Merriman. "As far as I know, yes. But please understand me when I say that I have washed my hands of all of it."

"I see." Mr. Merriman said, his face completely stoic. Mrs. Merriman remained silent, yet a look of betrayal passed through her eyes. The three of them stood awkwardly in the doorway, before Mr. Merriman held out his hand for Joseph to shake. "Thank you so much for your help and expertise, Dr. Stevens. I will be by your office tomorrow with payment. We are…we are glad to have such a good outcome for Ben."

"Aye, let us all be thankful." He knew that the Merrimans were going to come down hard on Davidson. Perhaps he should not have trivialized the man's injuries. "Let me say that he is not out of danger yet. If the wound turns black and he gets a fever that does not abate, please send for me again." He suddenly felt a touch of pity for Davidson's vulnerable state, and was a bit surprised by it. "The important thing would be to let him rest comfortably for the next several days."

"Aye, of course. We will make sure he recovers above all else." Mrs. Merriman cut in. "Good day, Dr. Stevens, and thank you again for your help."

Joseph placed his tri-cornered hat on his head, and tipped it towards the Merrimans. "Good day to you too, Ma'am, Sir." Typically he would make sure to take notes before leaving, but figured he wanted to get away as soon as possible. As he walked down the path, he felt a strange satisfaction at all that had transpired that afternoon.

….

Felicity hummed to herself as she rolled up the yards of fabric that she had spent the day on. She had gone over that morning to work in parallel with Nan, but Nan of course had the faster hands and had finished her workload and left for home nearly two hours ago.

"It is good that you are done so quickly." Felicity had retorted in response to Nan's allegation that she had disorganized fingers, "You can get a head start on the mending!"

Nan had stuck her tongue out and simply replied, "I'll leave some for you!" Before departing.

"All finished Miss Merriman?" Mrs. Matthews asked.

"Yes Ma'am! Thank you as always for letting us use your spinning wheels. Would you take any payment this time?" Felicity asked.

"No, of course not Miss Merriman. We still owe your father a debt at the store and he is always kind enough to let it slide until my husband returns home from fighting."

"As you wish. But please let me know anytime if you would like to collect." Felicity replied. "Good day to you, Mrs. Matthews!"

"Good day Miss Merriman!" Called Mrs. Matthews as Felicity walked down the path to the main street, the parcel of fabric tucked under her arm. The sun was already setting, and in the distance, the church bell tolled 5 O'clock. _Closing time._ Felicity thought. _I wonder if they will need any help cleaning up? I could just go and say hello…._

Anticipation swelled in her chest as she neared the store, thinking of Ben giving her his handsome smile every time she walked in the door. She bit her lip to suppress her smile, lest folks on the street think she were mad.

She turned the corner onto Duke of Gloucester street, and immediately noticed that there were several large drops of blood along the streets. _The butcher was careless_ , she thought, feeling a touch of sympathy for the now-departed animal.

Peculiarly, the drops of blood seemed to get larger, and she could make out a few nearly-complete footprints as she walked along the street. Frowning, she followed them along until she came to a rather large bloodstain on the ground, less than 50 yards away from her father's store. _What on Earth happened here?_

She forced herself to keep walking, thinking on asking Ben when she reached the store. Looking down again, she saw several smaller drops of blood, as if the poor animal had been gravely wounded, managed to walk a few more paces, then collapsed and bled out until it was dragged away.

 _Would it be so crazy if I stopped eating meat altogether?_

She shook her head slightly to get rid of these unpleasant thoughts, and continued on her way. As she approached the store, she noticed that the front porch was littered with items. She ran up the stairs, and saw that the door was latched shut as if it were closed for the day. Now alarmed, her attention turned to the various notes, dried flowers, and trinkets on the porch. She knelt down, and with a shaking hand picked up one of the folded pieces of paper that was held down by a small ornament.

 _Dear Benjamin,_

 _We pray for your survival and return to good health._

 _With Love,_

 _The Ramseys_

Her breath caught, and she felt a hand on her shoulder. She whirled around, not realizing that someone had come up behind her.

It was Walter. "Felicity," he said breathlessly. "Is there any word on Ben? Please tell me…I knocked on the door two hours ago but there was no answer!"

"Walter…I-" She stammered, a heavy sense of dread now sitting in her chest. He helped her stand up, and she continued, her voice going shrill, "I've been at the Matthews' home all day….Walter, why is there blood in the streets?" She could feel her knees going weak.

Walter braced her shoulders. "Ben tried to stop a thief outside of your father's store and the man stabbed him. That is all that I know for certain. Felicity, please go and find out, will you?"

Felicity didn't need to be told twice. She raced down the stairs and through the streets in the direction of her home. As she ran, she faintly heard people shouting at her, but they were drowned out by the thoughts that were racing through her mind.

 _Please please please please don't take Ben away from me…._

A second feeling, one of fury threaded through her as she realized that this had happened hours ago, yet no one had thought to tell her. She had just been left all blissfully ignorant at the spinning wheel while Ben was fighting for his life.

 _Why did no one tell me?_

As she approached her house, she saw with horror that there were several bloody garments draped grotesquely over the clothesline as if her house belonged to a coven of witches. She noticed Ben's shirt and vest, along with several bloody linens and smaller pieces of cloth.

 _Oh God…._

She threw open the door and raced into the main room, to see her mother and father, as well as Nan and William all sitting there. Her parents were staring at her expectantly, while Nan and William both looked at their feet. Ben was nowhere to be seen. She opened her mouth to speak, but her father beat her to it. "Ben is still alive, and is resting comfortably in the guest bedroom. Rose is with him for the moment."

"Oh thank God!" Felicity sighed, and started in the direction of the guest bedroom.

Her mother stepped in her path as if to block her from heading in that direction. "Felicity, please sit down."

Felicity frowned. The relief that Ben was okay for the time being had replaced the panic and anger caused by her being kept in the dark the entire afternoon, but it was not far from the surface. Her mother's imposing presence easily brought it back up. "Why did no one think to tell me that something happened earlier?" She asked, a dangerous edge to her voice.

"Felicity, sit down!" Her mother commanded again, and Felicity became angry. "No! Let me see him first!" She tried to sidestep her way out of the sitting room, but her mother grabbed her by the wrist.

"For God's sake, Lissie, just sit down a moment!" Nan snapped. Felicity whirled around and prepared a retort, but then she saw her father's face, a mix of sadness, disappointment, and anger. She stared at him, and he spoke. "Felicity, please sit down. Your mother and I want to talk to you."

Felicity did as she told, apprehension rising in her gut.

Her father did not waste any time. "While Ben was being stitched up, he said a few things while in a delirium. I'm going to tell you what he said, and I want you to tell us if these things are true, or if they were just due to his state. I urge you to answer truthfully, daughter."

Felicity looked towards Nan and William, then nodded slowly, the apprehension turning to fear as she recognized the cold edge in her father's voice and the serious looks upon her siblings' faces.

Her father started. "First, did Ben steal you away from Joseph?"

"No." Felicity answered. She fought the urge to elaborate, just as she did with Elizabeth.

"Does Ben love you?" Her father asked.

Felicity's heart sank. "Yes. He says he does."

"Do you love Ben?" It felt so strange for her father to ask her questions that were so significant, so personal in such a cold, flat, emotionless tone.

"Yes." Felicity whispered, dreading what was going to come next.

"How long? Tell us all truthfully." Her father asked the question that Felicity knew was going to get them both in trouble.

"Since the summertime." Felicity said dully.

Her parents exchanged glances, and her mother stepped forward. "At least you are truthful when told to be, daughter." She took out a small piece of paper and handed it to Felicity. "We found this in the pocket of Ben's vest."

Felicity unfolded the bloodstained paper, and saw that it was the little love note she had written to Ben the previous day. The words "To Ben", and her signature were unmistakable.

Her heart sank, and she looked back at her parents. After a few moments of agonizing silence, her father spoke up, his voice still eerily calm. "So if I am to understand this correctly, you have been involved in some sort of a secret relationship with my apprentice under our roof for several weeks now, one that may have overlapped with an official suitor?"

Felicity did not answer, and her mother piled on, her voice raising. "We trusted you, Felicity, and we trusted Ben too. The two of you worked in the store together, ran errands together, for God's sake, you went on day-long rides with him!"

Her father continued. "All of your life I have been lenient with you, Felicity. Your tendency to misbehave in the face of social conventions was always so endearing to me; I confess it even made me proud. But this…I see now what has come of this." Anger was now evident in his voice. "I want you to know that I have decided to send Ben back to Yorktown, permanently, once he heals enough to travel."

At this, Nan spoke up. "That makes no sense, Father! Felicity is in need of a suitor, and there is a perfectly willing one lying unconscious in the next room!" She then clapped her hand over her mouth, surprised at her own insolence.

Edward Merriman looked sideways at her, then directed his next words at Felicity. "I cannot forgive the betrayal of sneaking around with my daughter under my roof."

Felicity finally found her voice. "The secrecy was my idea! Ben hated the thought of it, but only stayed silent at my request. Please…don't blame him for this."

Her father shook his head. "The damage has been done, and he should have been honorable enough not to go along with such a foolish notion. Felicity,-" He looked her square in the eyes, "go up to your room and remain there. In a little while, perhaps your mother will fetch you and you can see that Ben is okay. Then, from this time until his departure, you are not to be alone with Ben. Do you hear me?

"Yes." Felicity said, struggling to comprehend what all of this meant. She stood up, and trudged up the stairs.

At the very least, it seemed as though Ben would survive. She tried to take comfort in that as she threw herself down onto her bed and let herself cry.

…..

 **Author's notes**

1) You can get a lot of writing done quickly if you are stuck at home with bronchitis.

2) I can't attest to the medical accuracy of this chapter. I've never been stabbed, nor have I administered first aid to a stabbing victim. Everything I know is from google.


	10. Chapter 10

Felicity laid curled up on her bed, her knees pulled up to her chest and her arms wrapped around them. It had been nearly three hours since she had rushed home in a blind panic over the news that Ben had been stabbed, and had walked right into a confrontation with her parents. She sniffled miserably and rolled onto her back, waiting for more tears to come, but, it seemed as though she had cried herself hollow and was now left completely empty. She and Ben had been found out, and now Ben was going to be sent back to Yorktown.

She and Ben had been so wrapped up in each other that she had not stopped to think, not even for a second, how wrong-headed it was to keep such a secret. The moment she had seen the expression on her father's face it had become crystal clear to her.

 _How could I have been so thoughtless?_

And Ben…Ben had been hesitant to keep such a secret from her parents. For weeks now, he had been reminding her that he needed to speak with them both. The waiting was her idea. She had selfishly wanted to keep him all to herself, and it was only at her insistence that he went along with it. And now, with the loss of his apprenticeship, he was going to bear the brunt of the punishment.

 _If he survives._

Felicity squeezed her eyes shut as to rid herself of this intrusive thought, banishing it and the vivid memory of his blood on the street. Her parents said that Ben's injury was not life-threatening; Joseph himself had told them that he was very lucky. As her father put it, Ben was resting comfortably right at this moment. Yes, this was indeed a bright spot. She must not dwell on any other scenario.

She opened her eyes and stared at the red-checkered canopy of her bed, wondering when she was going to be able to see for herself that Ben was okay. Her mother was supposedly going to fetch her at any time, and it was starting to irritate Felicity that she neither knew if, or when it would happen. In the past she had merely taken it upon herself to decide when her punishment was over, but she knew the seriousness of her actions this time. Her father had told her that she was not to be alone with Ben while he still remained in Williamsburg, so it was a given that her actions were to be closely watched from now until the unknown future. Her parents would also demand details of her relationship with Ben for sure.

At once, a thought came to her mind. The letters….if she found out about them, her mother would most certainly take them away. Would she? She wouldn't be so cruel….

Felicity rolled over onto her stomach and reached for her nightstand. She opened the drawer and pulled out the stack of letters that Ben had written to her, and flipped through them. Many of them spoke of just trivial things, camp life, marching, the weather, the other soldiers in his company. But they often had a very personal, if not thoroughly affectionate tone to them. _No_ , she thought. Her mother and father must not know of the letters. She got up from her bed and walked over to her dresser, stashing them away in the furthest reach of the bottom drawer. _I'll have to think of a more clever hiding place soon. Perhaps Elizabeth could keep them for me?_ If they stayed in her drawer, she knew it was only a matter of time before her mother or Rose found them.

At that moment, she heard footsteps coming up the stairs. She shut her drawer as quietly as she could, and dove back to her bed, facing away from the doorway. The footsteps came closer to her door, making nerves flutter through her stomach and chest for reasons quite unknown to her.

The door finally swung open, and her mother spoke. "Felicity, are you awake?"

Felicity turned her head so that her mother could see her profile, keeping her expression as impassive as she could.

Her mother spoke again. "I've come to fetch you so that you can see Ben. Would you like that?"

"Aye." Felicity said as quietly as she could, not knowing exactly what else to say, just that it was wise to speak as little as possible at the moment. She sat up in her bed, placing her feet on the floor, then stood up. A quick glimpse in her vanity mirror showed her face, red and puffy from crying so much while strands of hair, escaped from her mob cap hung limply. She took a breath and turned to face her mother, but Martha had already turned her back and was heading towards the stairs.

 _She won't even look at me._ Thought Felicity, feeling equal parts bitterness and misery.

Martha spoke again as Felicity followed her down the stairs. "Ben has not yet awoken, but you will see for yourself that he is resting comfortably."

Again, Felicity decided against saying anything, dictated by a small, mutinous part of her. As the two of them entered the sitting room, Felicity saw Nan, William and Polly look up, but her father was thankfully not present. Felicity fleetingly wondered if either Nan or William had corroborated what they knew to her parents, but concluded that it did not really matter at this point.

Her mother swung open the door of the guest room, and Felicity stood on her tip-toes so she could get a glimpse of Ben as soon as she could. Yet, she did not get a good look at him until after the two of them entered the darkened room. Rose, who was sitting silently in the corner of the room nodded to them, and Martha walked over to join her as Felicity knelt by the edge of the bed. As her mother said, Ben remained asleep. His face was quite a bit paler than usual and there were dark circles under his eyes, yet his breathing was deep and even. Seeing this, it felt as though a huge weight that she didn't realize was there was suddenly lifted off her shoulders, and she smiled.

 _He survived, and is going to be okay. That is all that matters right now._

Her vow of mutinous silence forgotten, Felicity looked up and addressed Rose. "Besides stitching Ben up, did Joseph do anything else? Is there any medicine for the wound? Will…will Joseph need to return to check on Ben in a few days' time?"

"He did give us some salve, Miss Felicity." Rose said. "Dr. Stevens expects a full recovery for Mr. Davidson in a few weeks time. But for now, he must sleep." She nodded in a way that told Felicity to not to risk waking Ben with more questions.

Felicity nodded, then turned back towards Ben. He shifted a little in his sleep and his mouth moved slightly, making her hold her breath with the anticipation that he might awaken. But, he remained still after that moment.

Her mother spoke up. "Felicity, this is enough time. There is some leftover stew in the kitchen that you can eat, then it is best that you retire to your bedroom for the evening."

Felicity snapped her head up, the mutinous feeling that had been at the back of her mind coming to the forefront. "Then what?" She retorted. "Then wait in my bedroom after I wake up for you to fetch me for breakfast?"

If it was at all possible, her mother's stare would shoot daggers. She responded, keeping her voice dangerously calm. "No, you will be expected to be at breakfast at the usual time. Then, after that, you will do your normal chores." Felicity said nothing in return, and her mother continued. "Daughter, it would be best for you to mind your manners at this time."

Felicity looked down at the floor and bit back a retort, knowing her mother was correct. Perhaps if she was on her best behavior the next few days, her parents would see hers and Ben's relationship in a different light. Yes, perhaps it was something to hope for.

She took one last look at Ben and suppressed the urge to reach out and touch his hand. Then, she bid both her mother and Rose good night, and slipped out of the room.

….

Ben awoke with a start, feeling at once the angry, burning sensation in his side. He blinked once, twice, as he mentally banished the dream he had been in the middle of. He stared at the unfamiliar ceiling, coming to the slow realization that he was in the guest room of the Merriman house. It was still dark outside, but he could see a thin sliver of pale sky at the horizon.

 _Is it dawn? Or dusk?_

He worked to shift off some of the uncomfortably heavy, warm blankets covering him, as his side continued to burn. Instinctively, he brought a hand to it, feeling the cloth bandages that were wrapped around his midsection. At once he regretted touching the wound, as the pain ratcheted up with such an intensity it made him gasp.

 _So it did happen._

He had dreamt of being stabbed by a faceless stranger, only to be left to bleed out by Mr. Merriman until crows came to peck at the knife wound. Eventually, Joseph had come along to stitch him up with a giant needle. Strangely, he did this only using one arm, as his other arm was wrapped all the way around Felicity's waist, his hand over her breast. As he worked, Felicity animatedly chattered about their upcoming wedding, alternating between the discussing the flowers and imploring Ben, "You'll be there too, right? You are one of my dearest friends and you must not miss it!"

The dream itself had been too absurd to be upsetting, however he put a second thought to the indifference that Mr. Merriman had given to his state. Although he was Ben's boss, Ben had come to see Mr. Merriman as somewhat of a father figure over the past few years. Both Mr. and Mrs. Merriman had right from the beginning welcomed Ben into their homes, treating him as if he was their own son. As he came accustomed to his life in Williamsburg, he and Mr. Merriman had formed an easy rapport as manager and apprentice.

Now, the indifferent, cold look that Mr. Merriman gave him as he lay bleeding in the street in his dream stuck with him more than the impossible scenario of Felicity mindlessly chattering about her upcoming wedding with Joseph. He closed his eyes and made an effort to separate reality and dream by searching his memories.

He was interrupted by a light knocking, followed by the sound of the door swinging open. He opened his eyes and saw that it was Mrs. Merriman. She shined a candle towards him and studied his face.

"Ben. I see that you are awake. How do you feel?" She pulled up a chair and sat down, placing the candle on a nearby nightstand.

"A little unwell, thank you Ma'am." Ben answered truthfully, his voice scratchy from underuse. Now chilly, he shivered a bit, and eyed the many quilts he had banished to the foot of the bed.

Mrs. Merriman studied his face, "Dr. Stevens told us that he expected you would be feverish from the shock of it all, and it looks to me like you are in the thick of it."

Ben turned his head to fully meet her gaze, and was at once struck by how unemotional her expression was. It was true that Martha Merriman always kept an even tone, but there was something in her eyes that truly unnerved Ben.

 _Perhaps I am still dreaming._ He thought, and let his fingers delicately prod the stiches in his side once more under the sheets and was rewarded by the expected sensation. His head swam a bit, and he closed his eyes in an effort to alleviate the pain.

 _Much better._ He thought, feeling himself start to drift off once again.

Mrs. Merriman spoke again, as if to sternly remind him of her presence. "Do you remember what happened?"

 _I tried to stop a thief, and I stupidly forgot to make sure he was not armed._ Ben thought, itching to go back to sleep. He resisted the urge to roll over and turn his back to Mrs. Merriman, instead opening his eyes again and speaking up. "Yes Ma'am. I tried to stop a thief at the store. He stabbed me." His side throbbed with pain as if to not let him forget and he closed his eyes again. It was on the tip of his tongue to ask how Felicity was, but he stopped himself just in time.

 _That was a close one. It would seem a bit suspicious for you to be asking specifically about Felicity._

 _Wait…Felicity….._

In that moment, his memories of Joseph stitching him up revealed themselves, and everything made sense. The cold disregard on Mr. Merriman's face in his dream….the flat, emotionless way that Mrs. Merriman spoke with his right now….

 _Lissie, I'm so sorry._

Ben let out a low moan, and instinctively turned on his non-injured side, pulling his knees up towards his chest as best he could without disturbing the wound. His head now felt boiling hot, and he could feel his face burn with shame, augmented perhaps by fever.

"I see that you need a bit more rest. I'll leave you for the time being." He only vaguely heard Mrs. Merriman's voice, which seemed measurably kinder.

Ben made sure to mumble an apology before giving in to sleep.

…

Felicity thumbed through the swatches of colorful cloth at the milliner's shop, and sighed with exasperation. Her mother had instructed her to bring back a few bolts of specific colors, but the request made no sense. It was still too early to start preparing new clothes for the springtime, and she and her sisters had no need of new gowns despite Nan's insistence, come to think of it. It seemed like a waste of money, but she knew she had to fulfill the request.

 _More like a waste of my time._ She had been eager enough to attend to the mending, with the idea that she could set herself up at Ben's bedside. But not surprisingly, her mother had refused, instead insisting that Felicity run the day's errands instead of working at home. Normally she would have been thrilled at this request, but at the moment she wanted only to be there when Ben woke up.

She mentally reminded herself that it was a little nice to be out of the house. Breakfast had been a slightly awkward affair, with Nan, William, and Polly remaining silent. She wasn't sure if her siblings had been instructed to be quiet or if they now felt ill at ease with her, either way, she made an effort not to be upset at them over this. Her father had gone to the store early, as she imagined him needing to deal with the aftermath of Ben's stabbing. And her mother….her mother seemed to have taken it upon herself to be Felicity's shadow such as long as she was at home. It had only been a few hours, and this newfound state of constant surveillance was already wearing on her last nerve.

 _I must stay calm. If I show anger, mother and father will never let Ben stay._

Distracted by her thoughts, she absentmindedly chose a few bolts of lavender, blue, and pink, paid for them, and was on her way.

Surprisingly, her mother was not around at first glance when she returned home. But Rose was there to meet her as soon as she walked through the door. "Miss Felicity, would you please come and begin the dough for tonight's supper?" Felicity gave a slight smile and nodded. Out of all domestic chores, cooking was probably the one that gave her some sort of satisfaction. No matter what was bothering her, she could easily dismiss it while preparing a meal. She calmly worked beside Rose, biding her time until the dough was nearly ready to be set to rise before asking about Ben.

"Rose, if you would please…would you tell me how Ben is today? Has he been awake? I don't dare ask my mother."

Rose didn't look up from her work. "Mr. Davidson has been awake today, but he is a little feverish. Dr. Stevens said this was to be expected."

 _Of course_. Felicity felt a slight sense of worry at the news that Ben was ill, but pushed it down before asking another terrible question. "Does he understand why I am not there to see him?" Rose rested her palms on the table and looked up at Felicity. It was clear she was choosing her words carefully. "Miss Felicity, he is fully aware of all of the things that he said, and that your mother and father know about the two of you. So, I imagine he understands why you are not present with him. And Miss Felicity," She gave Felicity a pointed look, "Perhaps you should be asking your mother these questions. At this time, the only way to be is truthful."

Felicity sighed. Truth was, she still could not decide the best way to conduct herself around her mother, while tensions were so high. She knew that her efforts to stay calm were more often than not resulting in her staying completely silent. She hoped that her mother would not see her as sullen.

She turned towards Rose, and thanked her for the information. _I'll simply ask mother to see Ben. That's all I need to do._

…

Ben sat propped carefully up against several pillows, alternatively thumbing through Felicity's copy of _Gulliver's Travels_ , and dozing off for minutes at a time. He shifted uncomfortably, the wound in his side not letting him fully relax. Between that and all of his unanswered questions, things were quickly becoming unbearable.

Mrs. Merriman had not been back to talk to him since early that morning.

Mr. Merriman had been completely absent.

Rose would not give him any information.

Felicity had not been in to see him. Was this because Mrs. Merriman was disallowing it? It had to be. He wanted nothing more than to see her open the door, giving him that smile that never failed to brighten his entire world.

What was going to happen? Was he to be sent back to Yorktown? Or, alternatively, would Mr. and Mrs. Merriman approve wholeheartedly of their relationship and think nothing of the fact that the two of them hid their secret for months?

Judging by Felicity's absence, that was not a likely scenario.

He heard faint footsteps near the door and held his breath, anticipation rising in his chest. A moment later, the sound faded away. He let out the breath he was holding, disappointed and frustrated. It was a good thing that he was still feeling too poorly to get out of bed, or he would have swung the door open and demanded, er, no, _requested_ answers long by now.

He closed his eyes, hoping to drift off once again. But, a moment later he heard footsteps once again. As before, he held his breath with anticipation. This time, the footsteps stopped outside of the door, and a light knocking was heard.

"Come in." Ben's heart thudded in his chest, but made his best attempt at keeping a calm voice.

The door opened, and Mrs. Merriman stepped in. She brought a tray of soup and tea, and set it on the nightstand. She then pulled up a chair to the side of the bed and sat down, facing Ben. Her face was perfectly impassive. Despite having several hours to analyze and plan exactly what he would say to Felicity's parents regarding their relationship, Ben suddenly found himself at a loss for words. He decided to stick with the most pressing ones. "Thank you for the food and tea, Ma'am."

"You are welcome, Ben." Mrs. Merriman said, a slight smile on her lips. She leaned forward and studied his face. "You are looking a bit better since this morning. Are you still in a great deal of pain?"

Just mentioning it seemed to make the wound in his side feel worse. But, he did not want to vocalize that. "Not as bad as before, thank you Ma'am." He allowed a small smile to match Mrs. Merriman's tone.

Mrs. Merriman put on her impassive expression once again, and folded her hands in her lap. "Ben, we need to have a conversation about this, and I need you to be completely truthful with me. Now, what do you remember of Dr. Stevens stitching you up yesterday?"

Ben bowed his head. "Most everything, I reckon. And I just want to say," He swallowed, "I am truly sorry for any transgressions I have made against you and Mr. Merriman." His heart continued to pound, and he didn't dare look up before saying what he thought was the most important part. "I truly love Felicity, and I would never do her any harm. If I have any regrets, it's that I wish I had made my intentions clear to the both of you much sooner."

"Aye." Mrs. Merriman simply said. "You should have. Edward is very angry, and sees your actions and secrecy as a betrayal." Ben let out the breath he did not realize he was holding, and felt remorse filling his chest. Mrs. Merriman continued. "He has decided to terminate your contract, and has written your father to come to Williamsburg and fetch you."

This was the very scenario that Ben had dreaded. He felt a lump forming in his throat. "When?" he whispered.

"Early next week. Dr. Stevens said you should be well enough to travel by then." Mrs. Merriman replied.

Ben learned back into his pillow and closed his eyes, searching for the right words to say. He opened them, and forced himself to look at Mrs. Merriman for the first time in several minutes. She still carried a serious look on her face that matched her words, but there was compassion in her eyes. He blinked, realizing that he was starting to tear up, and forced himself to speak. "Again, I am so sorry, Ma'am. I….I just…everything just completely got away from me. 'Twas not my intention to betray the both of you, or anyone for that matter." He hoped that these words were not too nonsensical, but he simply could find no other way to explain himself. He reached up and awkwardly wiped his eyes. _Pathetic._

To his credit, Mrs. Merriman's eyes softened a bit more. She reached out and touched his hand. "I am sorry that it has come to this, Ben. I will repeat myself that Edward is very angry and his decision is final." Ben closed his eyes and sniffled, feeling a tear roll down his cheek. He didn't bother to wipe it away.

Mrs. Merriman stood up and paused for a moment. Ben kept his eyes closed, but knew that she was searching for the right words to say. "Perhaps…perhaps in the next few days we can all come to some sort of understanding. Please take heart, my dear." She stood up. "I'll leave you for now. Felicity will not be in to see you today, but tomorrow I will allow it."

Ben nodded, not feeling terribly optimistic.

….

That evening, Felicity worked by candlelight on her latest embroidery pattern. She had never held the inherent talent for it that Elizabeth did, but she still felt the need to work on her skill from time to time.

 _Perhaps I can give it to Ben before he leaves._

The thought seemed to shoot through her chest like an arrow, and not the romantic kind. She had been so good today, so calm, her parents just had to change their minds about Ben. She had run her errands, helped Rose prepare dinner, helped Polly with her lessons, done more than her fair share of mending, was perfectly polite at dinner despite the continued forced silence of her family….

 _Father wouldn't even eat dinner with the rest of us. This has never happened before._

She paused as she processed this thought. It was true that her father was completely incensed with her and Ben, but at the same time, she truly did not feel remorse at her actions.

Now that thought, the idea that she felt no remorse at carrying on with Ben, that gave her pause.

 _Don't you remember? You concluded that nothing you ever did with Ben felt wrong._

 _Is this all completely wrong?_

 _None of this matters_ , she sighed, banishing these heavy thoughts from her mind and looked up at her mother, who was working on her own embroidery pattern. After dinner she had asked Martha if she could go and see Ben. Her mother had refused, telling her to wait until tomorrow. "He is likely sleeping." She had said in a completely dismissive tone. Felicity felt anger begin to rise in her chest, but at pushed it down in her efforts to stay calm. _Tomorrow…_.she had repeated to herself. _Tomorrow mother and father will tell me that Ben may stay, and tomorrow I will finish my embroidery._

She made herself give a small smile, knowing full well someone observing her might have commented on the slightly insane look she wore.

 _There is no way that Ben will leave._

….

Her mother was true to her word, and Felicity was allowed a supervised visit with Ben after breakfast the next morning. After knocking lightly on the door, she followed her mother into the guest room. Ben sat propped up against many pillows. His face was still pale, but the light fever he had the previous day was gone. He gave her a tired smile as she rushed to his bedside to get a closer look at him.

For once, she was at a loss for words. All at once, she wanted to scold him for putting himself in unnecessary danger, cry about how scared she was to nearly lose him, tell him how happy she was to see him, and that she was certain that he would definitely be staying in Williamsburg. In the end, she simply leaned towards him and commented, "You look nice and clean."

Ben smiled and blushed, bringing some of the missing color back to his face. "Aye. Rose scrubbed me down. 'Twas quite embarrassing, really. I tried to protest, but she simply told me that my mouth has gotten me into nearly enough trouble lately so I best hush up." He stopped smiling, and his mouth twisted slightly. Felicity felt her eyes welling with tears.

Ben spoke again, deep remorse etched across his face. "Felicity, I am so sorry about all of the trouble I have caused." His voice choked up slightly.

"No, no! Don't be upset. Everything is going to be fine. You'll see." Felicity took his hands and was surprised to see Ben flinch a bit and pull away, his eyes flicking up to where Martha was sitting.

 _Right._ Felicity knew that he was going to be remorseful towards her parents, but she still felt slightly rejected. She held out her hand again, and Ben looked at her with apologetic eyes and shook his head slightly.

Felicity sighed and glanced backwards towards her mother, who was holding her knitting, but watching the two of them. She had silently tolerated the constant surveillance for the past two days, but now, in the presence of Ben, it was starting to wear heavily on her. She set her jaw, turned back towards Ben, and reached out to smooth some of the strands of his unbound hair back. He flinched again, but then closed his eyes and let her proceed. With the back of her hand, she stroked his cheek and he sighed, then opening his eyes again.

"Felicity, that's quite enough. Why don't you sit up straight?" Her mother interrupted from across the room. Felicity pursed her lips and closed her eyes in an effort to calm down the sense of defiant irritability that was rising in her chest. She then forced an impassive expression and turned around to apologize.

She turned back towards Ben and spoke to him in hushed tones. "I know everything will be all right. My father is angry, but he will calm down and see that there is no logical reason for you to go." She gave him a smile. Ben offered a weak smile in return. "Your father has not been in to see me at all. The last time he spoke to me was right after I was stabbed. This does not look good, Lissie."

Felicity leaned forward and once again took Ben's hand. He did not flinch away. "I'll see that I speak with him tonight." She took her other hand, and ran it down his arm.

Her mother spoke up again. "Felicity, please! Sit up!"

Felicity whirled around, not bothering to force a calm expression. Her mother straightened up, meeting her gaze with one of her own. She turned back around to look at Ben, who again shook his head slightly.

Her mother spoke again. "Felicity, your father's decision, and my decision is final. Ben will be returning to Yorktown in a few days' time. This is best for all of us, especially Ben. He needs time to properly heal."

Felicity again pressed her lips together, fury now threading through her chest. She looked at Ben, then back at her mother. "Ben can heal just fine here, with us, and you and father both know this! What exactly is your reasoning for sending Ben away?"

"Felicity." Her mother simply said, a warning tone evident in her voice.

Felicity couldn't help but continue. "It does not make any sense. There is no need to be cross about this, none at all!" She gave her mother a challenging expression, but got only silence in return. This propelled her into speaking again. "What exactly have we done wrong? What crime have we committed?"

"Felicity, that's enough." Her mother said, her voice firm.

Felicity continued, the words now rolling off her as if she were possessed. "What do you think Ben and I did? What did you and father imagine?" She mocked a gasp and held a hand to the back of her forehead. "Why…do you think that we _fornicated_? Is _that_ what you think? Would you like to examine me just to make sure?" She spat, giving her mother a hostile glare.

"Lissie-," Ben said weakly. She turned back towards him to see that he was again shaking his head at her. Felicity froze, feeling as though all time had stopped.

"Felicity Merriman." Her mother said in a low, dangerous voice. "I will never, ever hear this kind of talk from you ever again." She stood up from her chair and faced Felicity, who had recovered from her momentary fit of rage and was starting to shrink back. Martha pointed a finger at her, and continued speaking. "Every second you have opened your mouth, you have unwisely made things worse for yourself, and for Ben for that matter. Leave this room immediately, and go upstairs."

"I….., Felicity stuttered, her eyes welling with tears. She looked towards Ben, who was staring at her with an expression of disbelief and sadness, then back towards her mother, whose face was a mask of cold fury. Not wanting either of them to see her cry, she stood up and ran out of the room, face burning with shame.

 _I've ruined everything._

….

Ben woke up to see a letter addressed to him, sitting on the nightstand along with a cup of coffee. He sat up and rubbed sleep out of his eyes, then assessed the damage in his side as he did every morning. He gently poked where he had been stuck, feeling that the wound had gone rigid. It did ache some, but each day it was improving. It had been five days since he had been stabbed, which was what he understood to be an appropriate timeline as to healing and regaining his normal activities. Perhaps, he could even go sleep in his own, familiar loft tonight.

He had started to get out of bed and move around more often, but so far he had rarely left the guest room. He had the strong feeling that he was, like Felicity, under confinement. He sighed, thinking of the last time he saw her three days ago. He had been so happy to finally see her, and their reunion had been pleasant save for the fact that her jaw had been tensely set, likely due to Mrs. Merriman's presence. That look had quickly turned to outward anger, then delved into a sort of momentary insanity as she screamed her frustrations at her mother.

 _My love, why couldn't you have kept a cool head?_ Ben figured he had sadly accepted the termination of his contract and the fact that he was being hauled back to Yorktown, but perhaps there had been a tiny part of him that, like Felicity, held out hope that Mr. and Mrs. Merriman would change their minds. But now, whatever small chance they had surely diminished on account of Felicity's outburst. Since that morning, his only company had been Rose's quick visits. Mrs. Merriman had not come by, and he had not seen Mr. Merriman since the day that he was stabbed. And Felicity…he figured Felicity was confined to her room.

He hadn't realized how important human contact and conversation was to him, until it was completely lacking. At this point, he was almost ready to welcome his parents.

 _But you will be leaving Felicity behind._

 _Stop! You mustn't dwell on this._

He reached out for the mug of coffee and realized he had completely forgotten about the letter. He opened it, and quickly recognized his mother's handwriting.

 _November 4_ _th_ _, 1781_

 _My Dear Ben,_

 _Your father and I were so upset to hear of your injury, and we thank God that you survived and are likely regaining your health again. You must always be careful in the future since none of us know who among us is truly dangerous. Whatever the thief took, it was most certainly not worth your life. The loss of your sister will always weigh heavily on us, and we will not bear to lose another child, not after we took you back from the Great War. Do you understand me, Ben?_

Ben put down the letter, realizing with a start that he had never actually learned what the man had stolen. He swiftly decided that he did not want to know, and continued to read.

 _Now there is another issue. Edward Merriman has written to us to inform that he has ended your contract on account of what I am to understand is a secret love between you and Felicity. He has requested that we travel to Williamsburg in a few days time to gather you and your belongings. My son, this is very serious to hear. Your father and I are very fond of Felicity, but we are disappointed in the way that you have conducted yourself. You should have told Edward and Martha of your intentions at the very beginning. My wish was to see you with Felicity, but not like this, Ben. Not like this._

Ben leaned against the headboard and let out an annoyed breath. He was already being punished by Mr. and Mrs. Merriman, he did not need to hear it from his own mother. He understood why Felicity had little tolerance for her mother's scolding. Still, he kept reading.

 _Ben, you need to do right by Felicity. Perhaps this early departure will be good for you and her in the long view. You can get started with work sooner so that when you come back to ask for her hand, you have many possessions and a life to offer. And now, of course you will need time for Mr. and Mrs. Merriman to get over their anger. Are you in agreement with this?_

 _I know that you might not find so much comfort in this thought, but your father and I are very much looking towards seeing you again, and having you with us back in Yorktown. We have missed you greatly. Please take heart, soon there will be a day in which we are collecting both you and Felicity._

 _All of my love,_

 _Your Mother._

Ben folded the letter up, thinking about its contents. It was odd; typically the letters from his mother were written in Swedish, her native tongue, but this was in English. Perhaps she wanted to be transparent in case the Merrimans were to read it?

A knock on the door interrupted his thoughts. "Come in!" He called, expecting to see Rose, and hoping that just maybe, Felicity might be along as well. The door opened, revealing Mr. Merriman.

Stunned, Ben could only utter, "Sir-!" He blinked, as panic flooded his chest. A few days ago he had regarded any potential visit from his former boss with anxiousness, but as the days passed he had gotten accustomed to the silence. It did not mean he would be regarding the man more comfortably, however. His mind raced as he tried to remember all of the words that he wanted to say as Mr. Merriman walked into the room and sat down, facing Ben.

He spoke, keeping his expression stoic. "I see you have opened your letter. I received one myself from your father. He and your mother will be traveling this coming Tuesday."

Ben blinked again, still at a loss for words. He opened his mouth, then closed it before he stupidly asked which day it was, exactly.

It was as if Mr. Merriman could read his mind. "Today is Sunday, so two days from now." Ben nodded as he felt his face flush. He swallowed, and made himself speak. "Sir, I….I want to apologize for any trespass I have made against you and Mrs. Merriman. 'Twas never my intention to cause any harm."

Mr. Merriman nodded, his face still completely void of emotion. "Ben, I appreciate your apology. But the two of us need to have a serious conversation about how we all proceed from here."

"Yes Sir." Ben picked up on Mr. Merriman's desire to talk the whole messy situation out, which planted a seed of hope in his chest. Still he did not quite know how to proceed.

Mr. Merriman started. "Felicity has been confined to her room for the past few days. It is not our intention to imprison her; she has her books and guitar, but we wanted her to have a quiet space and some time to think and reflect. She and I had a conversation about all of this yesterday, and now I want to speak with you. I know that you have guessed how this will start…I'll say right up front how shocked and angry I am to hear that the two of you carried on a relationship, in secret, right under my roof for several months." He paused and started straight at Ben, who took a moment to realize that it was his turn to speak. He decided the only appropriate reply was another apology.

"Again, I am deeply sorry, Sir. Things just…things just got away from me." He vaguely remembered giving this same line to Mrs. Merriman. In the back of his mind, he wondered if it would give him any credit to mention that the two of them were nearly prepared to come out into the open, but realized that it would be better to say as little as possible.

Mr. Merriman nodded, and continued speaking. "It is my duty as a father, to look out for the best interests of my daughter. It took me a few days to get over the anger that I have held over how the two of you have hidden yourselves. But I think I have put my own feelings aside, so that I may objectively consider what is best for Felicity." He thought for a moment, then re-focused on Ben. "Ben, answer me truthfully. Do you love my daughter?"

"Aye, I do. I love Felicity." Ben said with as much conviction he could muster. It was not difficult. Perhaps he was imagining things, but he saw the corners of Mr. Merriman's mouth turn up slightly.

Mr. Merriman's gaze went upward, as if he was thinking. "Ben, you have been with us for many years now. For sure you remember what kind of child Felicity was. She had a kind heart, a curious nature, and good intentions, but she was also impatient, reckless, quick to anger, and very much a tomboy." Ben found himself smiling inwardly at some of Felicity's antics many years ago. Meanwhile, Mr. Merriman continued. "As she reached adolescence, Martha and I saw that she had begun to calm down a great deal. She attended to all of her tasks responsibly, kept her temper in check, and did not act too rashly. It goes without saying that Martha loves her daughter no matter what, but I could tell that this was a victory for her, as a mother, to see her flighty daughter gain such emotional maturity. However, this only continued for a few more years up until around her seventeenth birthday. I could see that she was trying so hard to behave as her mother wanted her to, but it was almost like she was regressing into her old ways. That is where we are at right now. It is almost as if she is lashing out at something."

Ben understood exactly where Mr. Merriman was coming from. He couldn't explain the allegation that Felicity's mannerisms and behavior were regressing, but all the same, he found her personality endearing. _I hope she never changes_ , he thought. It did hurt a little to hear Mr. Merriman speaking negatively about Felicity, so much that Ben decided to speak up in her defense. "Sir, if I may, I can recall numerous conversations in which Felicity claimed to feel so blessed to have such understanding parents that look out for her happiness above all else. She sees this, acknowledges it, and wishes to do well by you both in return." Mr. Merriman nodded and allowed a small smile. "I'll need to pass that on to Martha. I know she hopes that in all, she comes off as a loving mother to Felicity despite all of their struggles."

Ben felt like he was finally at ease, and had one more, very important point to make. He continued, "There have also been numerous conversations that Felicity and I have had, in which she speaks down on herself. She is fully aware of her regression in behavior that you just described. Once, she described herself as wicked, and that she can't stop it. Sir-," he swallowed, feeling that all-familiar lump in his throat again, "she dwells heavily over how disappointed she believes she has made everyone. And," he took a deep breath, trying to prevent himself from choking up in front of his boss, "it all makes me so sad. I love her personality, and I find her mannerisms and antics to be completely and entirely endearing. She has such a big heart, and it shows in everything she does and says. Sir, I hope that…I hope that she never changes." He knew it was risky to vocalize his final thought, but it needed to be said. If there ever was a time in which he needed to meet with Mr. Merriman with his full conviction, it was now. He made sure to make direct eye contact as he spoke these words, despite the physical exhaustion that he suddenly felt from speaking about such deep, personal feelings.

Mr. Merriman watched him for a moment, before speaking again. "Felicity also said very glowing things about you when I spoke to her. And that brings me to my next thought. Felicity is nearly grown now, so we are running out of time to be able to punish her as if she was a child. So at this point, I have to concede that Felicity is Felicity, and ask myself, what do I need to do now to ensure that my daughter has a happy and healthy future?" The hopeful feeling that had eluded Ben for several days once again began to blossom in Ben's chest as he heard these words. Mr. Merriman focused on him, and continued to speak. "Ben, it goes without saying that you have shown yourself to be a well-mannered, kind, and thoughtful young man. If you had asked if you could court Felicity, I would have soundly agreed. I believe you when you say that you love Felicity, and I believe her when she tells me that she loves you. There is great compatibility here, and I would be unwise to forbid a relationship between the two of you." Ben felt himself smile at these words. Could it be that he was getting Mr. Merriman's blessing?

Just then, Mr. Merriman's expression changed. His brow furrowed, he spoke again in a different tone. "This all brings me to my final thought. Perhaps I should not be so rash in releasing Felicity to adulthood just because she is of a certain age." Ben frowned slightly at the different tone, but let Mr. Merriman continued speaking. "There are a few things that give me pause; things that make me feel like Felicity has a bit more growing up to do. First, her profane outburst a few days ago, of which I don't believe I need to go into any detail about. And secondly, going back to my conversation with Felicity, she apologized for not telling us sooner about the two of you, but I don't know if she was truly remorseful about the secrecy, or if she was just upset over being found out. I believe it was the latter." Ben's mind reeled at how the conversation seemed to have changed in such a drastic manner, yet, he instantly was able to recall something that Felicity once told him. _"Nothing I ever do with you feels wrong."_ With a sinking heart, he immediately knew that Mr. Merriman was correct in his assumption.

Mr. Merriman kept talking, his words like nails into Ben's coffin. "For these reasons, I still must abide by my original plan to send you back to Yorktown, permanently. Felicity has more growing up to do before we release her into adulthood as a respectable member of the community, and a woman with the Merriman name. Do you understand me, Lad?"

Ben felt as though the rug had been pulled out underneath him. In stunned desperation, he opened his mouth to speak, then closed it before opening it again. "Sir…I…", he stuttered, "I…I would like to formally ask for Felicity's hand in marriage." He swallowed, feeling the lump materialize in his throat again. _Don't you dare cry!_ He fiercely thought. He continued, "Felicity's happiness will be my only priority."

"Ben." Mr. Merriman looked at him with a great deal of pity. "You know full well that I must refuse at this time. This is all for the best. You need to set up a future for yourself. You know this to be true. And I can't…Felicity needs to show that she can conduct herself in a mature manner if she is to one day be married, even if it is to you, as familiar as you are. I will allow the two of you to exchange letters, and I welcome you to come back once you have a foothold in society to ask for her hand again." He nodded at Ben, and stood up.

Ben felt as though his chest had been caved in, shoveled out, and laid bare on account of his deeply personal confessions and the harsh rebuke that followed. He thought of Felicity, and feeling that he had failed her on some level. "Sir…did you tell Felicity of your final decision?"

"Aye, I did." Mr. Merriman said quietly. Sadness passed over his face.

"What did she say?" Ben asked, forgetting to properly address Mr. Merriman.

"Not a thing. She started to cry." Mr. Merriman said, looking away from Ben.

The thought of Felicity sitting alone in her room, weeping, made Ben feel even worse if at all possible. _What is my worth, if I cannot be there to comfort her?_ He thought in sadness and frustration. Mr. Merriman interrupted his thoughts. "Ben, if you are feeling well enough, perhaps you could join us at the dinner table tonight and for the next two nights." Ben couldn't find the words to say as an awkward silence passed between the two of them, and a rare, uncomfortable expression passed over Mr. Merriman's face. "Right." He said, looking down at his feet, then turning towards the door. Before exiting, he turned around to address Ben one last time. "Ben, I am so glad you survived and will regain your health. Please take more care from now on." With that, he slipped out of the room and closed the door behind him.

….

Quiet as a barn cat, Felicity slipped out of her bedroom door that William had picked the lock of a few hours earlier. Ben's mother and father would arrive that very day, and while up until now she had been cooperative with her mother and father's orders to stay in her room, she felt like she needed a proper goodbye. She crept down the stairs and went to tap on the closed door of the guest bedroom, using the specific rhythm that she and Ben both shared.

 _Ra-tat-tat_

 _Ra-tat-tat_

As she tapped, she paid some mind to the pattern that she used. It was taught to the both of them by Isaac, who was a drummer for the militia back during the beginning of the war several years back. Felicity found herself suddenly thinking about Isaac. Truth was, she had not seen him for many years since. Had he been carried off to his death like so many other young men?

At this last thought, Felicity pulled her fingers away from the door frame as if she suddenly imagined it in flames. There had been no answer from Ben, so she gently pushed the door open. "Ben?" She whispered, holding up the candle she had been carrying so that she might see in the darkness.

"What? Lissie…is that you?" Ben was struggling to sit up, a hand shielding his eyes from the light.

"Shhhh…" Felicity said, a finger against her lips. She set the candle down on the nightstand, then sat down on the bed. Without hesitation, Ben threw his arms around her and embraced her. She put her arms around him in kind and buried her face in his neck, and the two of them stayed there for several moments in silence. She fleetingly remembered how he flinched away from her touch a few days prior, but any off-putting feelings that still remained completely dissipated with his embrace. It had been nearly a week since she had been able to hold him in this way, yet it had felt like a lifetime.

If five days felt like a lifetime, how was she going to get through Ben's long absence that had no end in sight? She inhaled sharply against Ben's neck and whispered, "You're leaving." The words echoed through her mind as she struggled to comprehend them.

"It appears to be true." Ben said in response as he rubbed her back.

"What are we going to do?" Felicity asked, her voice muffled. Tears were starting to well up and she squeezed her eyes shut in response.

"I don't know." Ben confessed. "I feel completely and utterly useless."

"It is as if we have no control over our own lives." Felicity said, her sadness slowly being replaced by bitterness. "I've never wanted anything more, and it seems there is no justifiable reason for us be parted."

Ben laid back into his pillows, gently guiding Felicity down with him. "My love, we cannot get angry. At this point, what will it solve?"

"Strange to hear that sort of advice coming from you." Felicity said wryly, resting her head on Ben's chest as his arms looped around her. They both lapsed into silence, as Felicity listened to Ben's heart beat. She spoke up a moment later. "What do your parents say about this turn of events? Are they disappointed to hear about…about your dismissal?" It was on the tip of her tongue to say "me", but changed her mind at the last moment.

"Aye, they are disappointed, sure. But they think it is high time for me to return and start my own business." Ben said.

"That is exactly what my father said." Felicity thought back, and a tight feeling started in her chest as she remembered another aspect of the conversation. "He also told me that I have shown that I am not ready to be married, that I would struggle in the role on account of my disposition. I get the feeling that he was using Mother's words." She sighed, making sure to diminish the bitter feeling that was yet again washing over her.

"Wait, Lissie." Ben said, cutting into her thoughts, "I told your father that I loved you just the way you were." He squeezed her shoulder. "In fact, I asked your father if I could marry you."

"Really?" Felicity asked. The numb feeling that she carried seemed to budge a little at Ben's words, but it did not dissipate. "Officially asked?"

Felicity felt Ben sigh. "Aye, I did. Must have sounded like a proper fool. Meant every word, of course, but felt like I was five years old."

Felicity did not quite know what to say. "I'm so sorry Ben. I hope that does not dissuade you from asking again in the future." _Whenever that may be._ She felt tears prickling in her eyes at that thought.

"Of course not, my love." Ben said, rubbing her back.

The two of them lapsed into silence, before Felicity spoke up. "I'm not sure if you heard from my parents of the news, but they will hang the man."

"Pardon?" Ben asked.

"Thomas Langley. The man who stabbed you. Turns out he had already been branded a thief. The prosecutor argued that his intention was to kill you in cold blood, so the verdict was hanging." Felicity said matter-of-factly.

"Oh." Ben said. To Felicity's surprise, he added. "I don't know how I feel about that. Perhaps…perhaps it does not sit well with me."

"I'm just fine with it." Felicity grimly said. "He tried to take you away from me." A lump formed in her throat, and tears again prickled her eyes.

Ben laced his fingers together, then squeezed his arms tighter around her. "I'm still here, and I'm still with you, even as there will be some physical distance between us for a time. When I get back to Yorktown, I will devote all of my actions towards the singular goal of coming back for you. Do you hear me?" There was steely determination in his voice.

Felicity sniffled and nodded her head awkwardly, momentarily unable to speak. She swallowed, and choked out the first words that came to her mind. "What am I going to do without you?" She squeezed her eyes shut, and felt tears roll down her cheeks.

Ben stroked her hair, "We will do the best we can, love. This is all temporary. You will see. I will come for you."

Felicity sniffled again and blinked in an attempt to clear her eyes. Ben was right. She had said goodbye to him once before as he went off to enlist, and now she would do it again. This time there were obvious differences, of course, but Ben was not heading off to uncertain doom like before.

Right?

The two of them rested together, wrapped in each others' arms for several more minutes, before Felicity was alarmed to realize that she was drifting off. Not wanting to fall asleep completely and be caught, she quietly slipped out of Ben's arms. He didn't react, and she saw that he was fast asleep. Felicity figured that his heavy sleep likely came from the fact that he was still healing from his injuries. She watched him a moment more, trying to soak in every last detail of his face. As she finally turned to leave, she had to will herself not to cry. _He will come for me, and there will be a better tomorrow._ She repeated to herself.

The calm mask she forced upon herself manifested as numbness, which carried over into the next day. Looking back, Felicity only could pick out vague memories of Ben's parents arriving to take him home. Her father greeting Samuel Davidson fondly, Ingrid Davidson embracing Felicity and telling her that Ben will be well-taken care of, Ben carefully kneeling down to say good bye to Polly, and finally, the wordless goodbye the two of them exchanged under the watchful, prying gaze of everyone.

Felicity watched through the window as the Davidson's carriage pulled way, until they were out of sight. She looked behind her, and tried not to imagine the walls of her own home closing in on her.

….

Author's notes:

1) I'm sorry about the length of time it took to write this. There were several important conversations here that I got rather nitpicky about. I wanted to make sure that everyone involved here (Ben, Felicity, Edward, and Martha) all were coming from a reasonable perspective.

2) Next up, there will be letters.


	11. Chapter 11

_November 12_ _th_ _, 1781_

 _Dearest Felicity,_

 _I meant to write to you as soon as I returned to Yorktown, but I just had the terrible urge to lie down in my bed and sleep. I am slightly ashamed to say that I have been here now for two days. My mother has been terribly indulgent and telling me that I am still healing, and I admit the road back here was rather rough. Anyways, I don't want to bother you with the particulars._

 _The sun is starting to set on yet another day I have spent being useless, but I swear that tomorrow will be a new day and I will get up and be active again. There are a few people in town here that I must speak with at once. Good things are coming my love! Do you believe me?_

 _I hope to hear from you soon._

 _All of my love,_

 _Ben_

 _…_

 _November 22_ _nd_ _, 1781_

 _My Dear Ben,_

 _I can't help but still be worried of your injuries, as I interpret your letter. To me, you complain of the perfectly normal road from Williamsburg to Yorktown, then proceed to sleep for two days, am I correct in my assumptions? I hope you have seen a physician in town, and I think it is due time to have your stitching removed, no?_

 _At this moment I am telling myself to cease worrying about your injury. You have survived it, and I don't want to dwell on it anymore. Just promise me that you will not push yourself._

 _I almost wish I had an excuse to rest like you do, for some reason I am just tired, tired, tried all of the time. Mother and Father are still not very keen on my leaving the house, and as the days go by I am surprised to realize that I am relieved by it._ _Everything seems to be the same awful grey color and riding Penny is as exciting to me as working on the mending._ _But, things may turn around soon; it is almost Christmastide and I very much love this time of year._

 _I wanted to do my best to not become sad as I write to you, but all the feelings I have been swallowing down have revealed themselves, and I find that all I can do is miss you._

 _Please write to me soon._

 _With Love,_

 _Felicity_

 _…._

 _December 2_ _nd_ _, 1781_

 _Dearest Lissie,_

 _My love, I was alarmed to read about the despair you are feeling and my heart hurts with the feeling that I am so useless, so far away. Every fiber of my being wishes I was there with you now. Lissie, please. Appeal to your parents to go ride Penny, work in the store, visit Elizabeth, anything to get you out of the house. You are not meant to be trapped inside and you know this._

 _I too feel the despair creeping up on me. It hits me most as I wake up in the morning in my bed, remembering the first time that I woke up after being brought home from the war. I woke up, and saw that you were lying next to me. I picture that moment now, and I am so sad when I wake up every morning alone._

 _I implore you once more, and I will take my own advice when I say that we must take heart. There will be a better tomorrow, and I am working hard to make it happen. On a final note, all of my stitching has been removed, and I feel healthy and whole again._

 _All of my love,_

 _Ben_

 _…_

 _December 12_ _th_ _, 1781_

 _My Dear Ben,_

 _Happy Birthday to you! By the time you get this letter, you will be twenty-three years of age. Do you feel old? I hope that the gifts I have given to you arrived safely. In case they have not, I'll not speak further of them so avoid spoiling the surprise. I do apologize that I was not able to spend much money; Father is still not keen on me working at the store since we were found out so I have not been earning any wages. I am trying to not be resentful about it, but I know that Christmastide has always been my absolute favorite time to work and I hate so much that I am missing it._

 _But, there will be no more despair from me for the time being because I know you hate to hear it. I am trying to build up my spirit by hanging holly all around our home as I used to do when I was a child. Then, in a little while I will join Polly and we will make shrewsbury cakes! Doesn't that sound fine?_

 _In your next letter, will you tell me more about your day? This might sound odd, but I miss knowing all of things that you are up to._

 _Once more, I wish you a very happy birthday!_

 _With all of my love,_

 _Felicity_

 _…_

 _December 23_ _rd_ _, 1781_

 _Dear Lissie,_

 _Thank you so much for the handsome golden cufflinks. They must have cost you a fortune! I am so lucky to have them, and to have you. I will treasure them forever._

 _Now that Christmastide is upon us, my entire family is together. Sarah and Charlotte are here of course as travel is easy for them, but it is such a nice surprise to have Anna here as well. My sisters know all about what has transpired upon us and I was expecting them to have a bit of fun and teasing at my expense, but it seems that they all feel pity for us, and speak almost too kindly to me. I am not sure if I prefer it. I find myself wishing for the days in which I was often teased endlessly about anything and everything._

 _Lissie, do you speak truthfully when you write that you want to hear about my day? I admit that I feel ashamed about how unproductive I have been as of late. I suppose the only thing that I accomplished is that I taught my nephew how to use an abacus. He seems to enjoy it, and Charlotte is thankful. I hear that most of his hobbies end up with something being destroyed so this should be a nice change._

 _It is odd, spending Christmastide with my family. It really has been ages since we were all together. Now that I think about it, every Christmastide I have had since I was fifteen has been either with your family, canceled due to the war, or spent recovering from injury. And now, things just will never be the same without Sylvie._

 _I had better cease my prattling, lest I become melancholy. The only thing I ask, Lissie, is that you treasure your family, despite everything that has happened._

 _I love you, Felicity. I promise that next Christmastide we will be together._

 _Ben_

 _…_

 _January 3_ _rd_ _, 1782_

 _My Dear Ben,_

 _Merry Christmastide and a Happy New Year to you!_

 _All of the things you have told me in your letter, the small pieces of information about your sisters and teaching your nephew, all of this is exactly what I was looking for. I want to be able to picture myself, as if I were there with you, seeing you interact with your family. These things make me feel like I am not so far removed from you. Do you understand me?_

 _I thank you for your advice about keeping my family close. I know that we have been so lucky to still all be together, and I must not take it for granted that I have never lost a parent or one of my dear siblings. I must always remind myself of this._

 _Mother and Father have started to let me leave the house more often these days. I wanted to tell you that I paid Elizabeth a visit yesterday. She knew that you had been stabbed, and figured that you had gone back to Yorktown to heal. I told her everything that had happened, and that Mother and Father sent you away as punishment. While I have been better at keeping my resolve as of late, I could not help but break down and cry about how much I missed you, how cold Mother and Father have been to me, and how my siblings rarely speak with me and just how lonely I am. Elizabeth was wonderful as always and comforted me, telling me that she is here for me and that I will always find an ally in her._

 _Oh Ben, I now see that I have been a terrible friend to Elizabeth! I was so wrapped up in our love that I failed to notice that I was neglecting her completely. I remember her telling me that she felt ignored, but I never tried to understand where she was coming from. I have decided to do better by her from now on. This is my solemn vow._

 _Do give my love to your Mother and Father and all of your sisters, but keep an extra large portion of it for yourself!_

 _With love,_

 _Felicity_

 _…._

 _January 20_ _th_ _, 1782_

 _Dearest Lissie,_

 _I am so happy that you are starting to feel better. I have had this nagging thought that all the things I have done, starting with confessing my feelings to you caused a great upheaval in your life and that you might realize that it was never worth it, you would have been better off if I had kept my emotions in check that night of the brawl. Lissie, I never meant to disrupt your life, and I swear to you that I will do everything in my power to get back to you. I promise all of these things, ten times over!_

 _I am also thankful that you have seemingly mended your relationship with Elizabeth. Tell me, does she indeed think poorly of me? I got a strange feeling from her the last few months, which I chalked up to a distrust of me. I always meant to speak with her about this._

 _Now that we are on the topic of friendship, I regret that I was not able to bid Walter goodbye before I left. I wrote a letter to him shortly after this one, and I hope that he sees fit to reply and does not believe I have walked out of any future business plans that we had previously discussed. I have appointments to see several investors in the coming weeks and I hope not to go it alone. Walter has always been much better with words. You know this to be true!_

 _Please give Elizabeth some good words for me, and assure her that she needn't distrust me._

 _All of my love,_

 _Your Ben_

 _…._

 _February 5_ _th_ _, 1782_

 _Dear Ben,_

 _I never want to hear you say that you regret confessing your feelings to me. You opened up the possibility of a new future to me, one that I could truly be comfortable with myself. There are many more words I would like to say about this, but written means won't do them justice. I'll wait until you are in front of me to fully express these thoughts._

 _I went to go see Walter at his work, and was informed by Mr. Ramsey that Walter had traveled back to Norfolk for the time being. "Family business" was all he said in that voice that suggests I had best stop imploring. I hope everything is decent with him, and that he returns to Williamsburg soon. Do you have his forwarding address? If not, perhaps I can get it out of Mr. Ramsey. He ought to know._

 _There is not much for interesting news to discuss on my part. I will mention that I had coffee with several of the young ladies in town at the Cole's house. Elizabeth and Annabelle were there, of course, and do you remember Fiona McLeod? Elizabeth said that she had the idea to bring together a social group to celebrate reconciliation now that the war is indeed winding down. I admit the conversation was a little tedious, but it was nice to have the social interaction. I do remember many of my one-on-one interactions with each of the ladies, and they are not so stuffy as I would have seen them today. Perhaps I can breathe a little life into the group._

 _Things are improving slightly at home. Everyone is speaking to me again, and Mother and Father have lost some of their coldness. However, I still cannot go work in the store, and it is looking like that has permanence. Ben, besides riding, keeping the shop was one of my favorite activities. If I do not have that, and I don't have you, then I am ready to say that perhaps there is nothing left for me in Williamsburg anymore._

 _For some reason, I find myself thinking about your collarbone, up to your jawline. Tell me, is this strange? I find that part of you to be incredibly handsome. If you were here with me, I would kiss you there._

 _Please assure me once again that you will come for me,_

 _All of my love,_

 _Felicity_

 _…_

 _February 14_ _th_ _, 1782_

 _Dear Felicity,_

 _Happy St. Valentine's Day to you, my love. Out of the spirit of the holiday, I will devote the entirety of this letter to my proclamations of love for you. It is quite unfortunate that we have to communicate through writing only, so I'll have to write a few embellishments to help you imagine me._

 _(First, imagine that I am clearing my throat)_

 _Felicity, Lissie, Dearest of Mine, how happy I am to have you in my life! You are the celestial being that a lowly mortal such as myself only dares to dream about catching. It is with such a sorrow that we have been pulled apart for the time being, but it only proves that my love for you is transcendent over space and through time._

 _(Now please, if you would imagine that I am reaching out to take your hand at this very moment!)_

 _We have already vowed to remain immortal, and now, once I have you back, let us vow again to never be parted! Once together, you and I will inspire the greatest of love stories. Of course, not like Romeo and Juliet, but more like A Midsummer Night's Dream, if Titannia's love for the Ass had not faded. Yes, exactly like that!_

 _(Now, imagine that I have put a hand to my chest to put more emphasis on all of my declarations)_

 _Come, My Dear, please say that you will promise yourself to me, and we shall be happy forever in our Kingdom of Love! We will remain there in our immortality, completely unbound by the limits of space and time!_

 _(Here, I get down on both knees, and clasp my hands out to you)_

 _Now please my Dearest, my shoulder is available for you to rest your head on for all of eternity. Come, and let me love you!_

 _(Now, a flush rises across my face as I re-read this letter, and come to the horrific realization about how awful it is.)_

 _(I say nothing, but only bow in your direction)_

 _Happy St. Valentines Day!_

 _Ben_

 _….._

 _February 22_ _nd_ _, 1782_

 _My Dearest Ben,_

 _Sweet Boy! That was simply the nicest letter that I have ever received. I delighted in reading it and imagined all of your gestures to go along with such grandiose words. For a moment, it was as if you were in front of me, reciting all of those fine words! Don't mistake me, it is truly awful, but it is the dearest letter I have ever received. I will treasure it always!_

 _I had a strange thought about the vow that we both took, sealed with rum. I consider all of the things that have happened to you; you survived three years at war and what I imagine to be countless battles, broken ribs paired with winter fever, and most recently, you were stabbed with a three-inch blade and survived. Perhaps you are immortal after all! And that brings me to my next thought. Why, it is likely then that I am also immortal! For some reason I now picture myself as a wild woman, riding Penny with no saddle as I cling to her graceful neck. My hair is loose, and I am barefoot, of course. It is just like I imagined when I was a child. I had this thought once again not long ago as I was preparing to tell my mother and father I was breaking things off with the physician. As I rode off in the direction of the wilderness in my mind's eye, I pictured you riding beside me as you belong._

 _Ben, please say that when we are finally together again and have control over our lives, we can go riding like this, so wild and free. Will you promise me this?_

 _If I hold on to these thoughts in my head, it makes my current existence seem bearable._

 _I hope you do not mind the rambling nature of this letter. Truth is, I had not planned on what to write and merely let my consciousness take hold of the pen._

 _All of my love,_

 _Felicity_

 _PS: In the letter you seemed to delight in referring to yourself as a foolish ass. You are one of the least foolish people I know, and you are not fooling me!_

 _…._

 _March 5_ _th_ _, 1782_

 _Dearest Felicity,_

 _Please promise me that you will take care, and not tempt fate. I'm not sure how it works exactly, but I get the notion that your vow is canceled if you actually decide to test your immortality. By all means, let us ride off together, free of all these stuffy social conventions. I too, will now picture my future self with loose hair and no shoes, riding Patriot alongside you. Just promise me that you will wait and not go off alone!_

 _My dear Lissie, I must confess that I have failed at my first business venture. I presented myself to a group of potential investors locally, and was soundly rebuffed. They were polite about it, sure, but the end result was all the same. I was told that I sounded young and unsure of myself. They are absolutely correct, and these are things that I must fix. I only wish I had Walter here to appeal alongside me. I still cannot find him despite the forwarding address I was able to get from his cousin._

 _I have an appointment to see another investor in Norfolk where the man supposedly is, so perhaps we will cross paths at that point?_

 _I promise you that this is only temporary, and that I will devote myself to gaining more success at my next try. Our future depends on it!_

 _I love you,_

 _Ben_

 _…_

 _April 5_ _th_ _, 1782_

 _Dear Ben,_

 _I apologize for not sending a letter sooner; as you can see, Springtime has taken ahold here so I've spent quite a bit of time and energy preparing the garden. I can see now that the wintertime was most severe for me this past year; I usually suffer because I cannot go riding as much, but coupled with the loss of you, it has all been incredibly hard on me. Now that the sun is beginning to feel warm again and I have been out riding with William often, I feel like a dark cloud has lifted from me. I still miss you greatly, of course! But it is a sweet sadness, and all I need to do is to read your letters and imagine you appearing in front of me, giving me your handsome smile!_

 _I hope you are not in too much distress over being turned out. Isn't it rare that you gain investment on the first try anyways? And I reckon much of the wealthy have tightened their belts until our local economy gets settled. You will have success soon, I know it! In the meanwhile, can you not find work at one of you father's shops?_

 _I have to tell you one last bit of gossip! I think that Nan may be sweet on the guitar-maker's apprentice. He is fifteen, about her age and she is always finding excuses to stop by and hear him "test" out different guitars for her. You should see it!_

 _Love is really the best feeling in the world, do you agree?_

 _Speaking of Love, I'm giving all of mine to you._

 _Felicity_

 _…_

 _April 19_ _th_ _, 1782_

 _Dear Felicity,_

 _Happy Birthday, my Love! Did you receive the gifts I have sent? I am trying not to be sad that I cannot be there with you to ring in your eighteenth year. I promise you that we will be together as you turn nineteen, then twenty, twenty-one, twenty-two….need I go on?_

 _Love can be the best feeling in the world, but I think also, that falling in love is a truly scary thing. Hear me out. When you fall in love, you entrust a large piece of yourself to that person. It is not just any piece, it is the key to your entire emotional and mental well-being, and now all of this now hinges on a very specific set of circumstances in order for you to have any chance at happiness. You and I both felt the dark side, the unhappy side of love as we were separated, and I have started to feel the fear creeping up on me at the absence of your letter. It makes me wonder, has she grown tired of me? Is she forgetting me? Does she have her eye on a new potential beau? There is nothing I can do for myself that will make the fear go away. It invades my mind, stays with me as I lie in bed, speak with my parents, run errands, and most everything else._

 _Then, I wake up one morning and I see your letter, and this dark cloud dissipates in an instant and I am happy again. My entire well-being rests on my receiving pieces of paper from you. This is love, in its complex, multifaceted glory._ _I love you, and sometimes I am frightened of you._ _Your letter tells me that you have started to feel better, and more at peace. And I regret to say that there is a part of my mind that is displeased at this; as if I fear that you are forgetting me. Is this still love? I hope to God I return to feel only the happiness of it._

 _I have indeed spoken to my father about finding work in one of his shops in the interim, but he is stretched very thin financially on account of the long war. It would not be fair to fire one of his longtime employees just so that his son can have a job. I understand this well. I will just have to try harder at finding investors._

 _Again, Happy Birthday my Love,_

 _Ben_

 _…._

 _May 1_ _st_ _, 1782_

 _Dearest Ben,_

 _Here is another piece of paper, from me, for you. Does this make you happy?_

 _Your letter gave me concern. It is as if you have gained only ill feeling and sorrow from becoming involved with me. Have I wronged you somehow? Was the melancholic disposition that you seemed to carry after you resumed your apprenticeship due to me being with the physician, and not on account of the war?_

 _Am I in the wrong here?_

 _Ben, I do not wish to start an argument. Not now, not through letters. In your earlier letters you implored me to cast off the darkness, and now that I am doing so, you confess it makes you unhappy. Was this not what you wanted?_

 _I want you to trust me when I say that I love you, truly I do. I'll add that I felt quite sad on my birthday, since I am now eighteen and this is the time when I hoped that we would have become engaged. Ben, I am waiting for you, and I am doing it quite patiently._

 _Come back for me._

 _All of my love,_

 _Felicity_

 _…_

 _May 15_ _th_ _, 1782_

 _My Dear Lissie,_

 _I very soundly apologize for the tone of my last letter. I had traveled all the way to Richmond to present myself to another group of investors, and was once again soundly rejected. I think it was all of my bitterness leaching out of me. This is the fifth time I have failed to raise any capital, and I find myself looking further away for more opportunities. Perhaps I might need to go all the way to Philadelphia._

 _Lissie, I hope you are not too angry with me. Perhaps it would be best if you destroyed that letter, would you please? Of course it is your choice, but I hope that you do. I'd rather it not exist._

 _I went through and re-read all of your letters, and judging my all of the declarations you made in them, I am a proper fool to have assumed that your love for me was faltering. I do trust you, my dear. Just please, I hope that I hear from you more often than once per month._

 _I too remember that we had planned to become engaged, or close to it by this time. And now I look at myself, unable to find work, nothing to do, nowhere to go. Many of my friends have scattered across the colonies, and I have learned that several of my boyhood friends did not survive the war. To top it all off, I have not seen the girl I love for nearly six months. Feeling useless is quite the understatement._

 _I am so sorry to heap all of my sadness and frustration upon you, but I have no other outlet for it. As soon as I fold this letter up, I will put on a brave, stoic façade and think of new plans._

 _I love you dearly,_

 _Ben_

 _…._

 _June 1_ _st_ _, 1782_

 _Dear Ben,_

 _You know by now that I am vehemently opposed to destroying any of your letters. I do remember reading more than one letter that you wrote while you were away at war that was less than flattering. But I kept them all, and I will continue to keep them all. To me, the letters represent you, and by destroying one, I would be destroying a part of you. You are human, and humans get angry, speak carelessly, and show their temper. I do all of these things in spades, and you love me for it. You love me all in my whole, imperfect ways, and I want to tell you that I do the same for you._

 _I am not sure what kind of advice I can give you regarding your business ideas, but I will assure you that things will turn around, they are bound to! As for me, I am here, waiting for you patiently. It may be true that I have never been a patient person, but when it comes to you, I feel I could wait an eternity._

 _But please, don't make me do that. Come for me!_

 _With all of my love,_

 _Felicity_

 _…._

 _June 12_ _th_ _, 1782_

 _Dear Felicity_

 _There has been too many sorrowful, serious letters exchanged between the two of us. I realize I have been very self-centered, complaining endlessly about my troubles while paying no attention to you. Tell me Lissie, how is your life? Are you still riding with William and perhaps Nan? Do you see Elizabeth quite often? How about the social circle that Elizabeth and Annabelle have started? You have not gotten yourself expelled in an effort to breathe some life into it, have you?_

 _I'll mention that I'm off to Philadelphia tomorrow to meet with investors. I will be staying with Anna and her family, of course, and I am eager to see them all._

 _I hope you still think well on me,_

 _All of my love,_

 _Ben_

 _…_

 _July 3_ _rd_ _, 1782_

 _Dear Ben,_

 _I realize now that this day is an anniversary of sorts. It was one year ago today that you were involved in a tavern brawl (to which I still do not know any details), only to storm home and get into a confrontation with me, which would lead into you telling me that you loved me. My Dear, I see this day as a start of something wonderful, and despite our uncertain future, I do not regret it one bit. I know our fortunes will turn around, and you will come for me. In fact, I'll wager that we are engaged by Christmastide! Of course, this is as long as you still wish it._

 _Surprisingly, I have not gotten myself expelled from my social circle. It still is a bit stuffy, but I know there is a time and a place for every behavior, and this is the time to be on my best behavior. I still have a pleasant time with learning about all of the lives of the ladies involved, and their struggles with growing up and finding a partner. I've not gone into any detail about my own life for reasons obvious at this time, but I have learned that the course of love often does not run so smooth. It is by luck that a man and a woman who are deemed to be a good match also have true feelings of love for each other, and I recognize that I am so lucky to have both qualities in you._

 _In other random news, Elizabeth's eighteenth birthday is coming soon, and we will be putting on a celebration for her. Doesn't that sound fine?_

 _I hope that you are having good luck in Philadelphia. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you, and please give Anna my love._

 _With love,_

 _Felicity_

 _…_

 _August 8_ _th_ _, 1782_

 _Dear Lissie,_

 _My deepest apologies for the lateness of this letter. I know that I am a right hypocrite for demanding letters on at least a bi-weekly basis from you, then waiting more than a month to send one of my own._

 _Lissie, Philadelphia did not go well at all. I won't get into the particulars at this time, but how I was treated, and all of the things that were said to me; well, perhaps I must re-think my career plans. I returned home and spent a week getting over my wounded pride (to be truthful, I was surprised to find that I have any pride left at all), then set out to find any work, just anything at all. I did find something in the end, with the Virginia office of the Asiatic Company. I am basically helping keep the books. It is apprentice work and I'll be paid even less than I was working at your father's store. But, it is something to do until I figure out a new strategy._

 _Lissie, I feel such shame at how things have gone for me. At this rate, I won't be coming to ask for your hand any time soon. But I will try my damndest to figure something, anything out. I take some comfort in your assurances that you are patiently waiting. Tell me truthfully, my dear, am I still worthy in your eyes?_

 _You have all of my love, now and forever._

 _Ben_

…

 **Author's notes:**

1) Yikes, this chapter was really difficult to write. I wanted to use the exchange of letters format so that we see only what Ben and Felicity see as they write to one another. So now, I tried to show that there were many things that went unsaid, feelings repressed/guarded, and so on, and so forth.

 _2)_ Ben's explanation about love in his April 19th letter is inspired by a passage from Neil Gaiman's _The Kindly Ones_

3) Next up, a return to our normal formatting. Ben settles into his new job, and Felicity has a strange encounter


	12. Chapter 12

Ben tapped a dry quill against the list of goods brought by the Nicobar, a ship belonging to the Asiatic Company as he prepared to copy the list contents to the ledger.

 _Barley, 60 parcels…._

 _Wheat, 55 parcels…._

 _Oats, unknown number….._

He sighed, dipped the quill into the ink, and began to write. It was on his mind to glance at the map that hung behind him to see where exactly all of these things came from, but he figured that the sooner he finish with this list, the sooner he could get to the next one. But, on the other hand, he would be here, at this desk all day copying lists, so it did not matter the speed at which he worked.

 _No, it matters. Everything matters. You have to prove that you aren't completely useless, after all._

 _Felicity doesn't see you as useless. She said so in her last letter._

 _At least for the time being._

He shook his head slightly to get rid of all extraneous thoughts, and tucked a few strands of his unbound hair back behind his ear.

 _Potatoes, 75 bags…._

 _Sugar beets…._

 _This is what my life has become._ He had been at the job for nearly four weeks now, and as far as he could tell, the endless record-keeping was to be his only task, day in, and day out. There had been a shortage of workers due to the war, and the backlog had piled up. Now, the men that ran the office figured it was due time to get everything up to date on account of the war winding down. Ben glanced behind himself at the stack of lists waiting for him, and figured that it would take him weeks, perhaps even months to get through it all.

 _Then what?_

 _Then I'll figure something out. Perhaps I can make a few connections here._

He shuffled his bare feet against the rough wooden floor, and instantly regretted it as he felt a few sharp splinters. He had gotten into the habit of removing his stockings and shoes at work in order to feel more comfortable in the August heat, and the fact that he had little human contact during the day, if any at all. It was just him, sitting at a simple table in some forgotten back room with one tiny window to the outside world. All day, every day. He cursed to himself as his fingers brushed the bottom of his left foot, looking for any splinters to pull.

The sound of approaching footsteps made Ben straighten up, and he busied himself with the list again in time to hear a light knocking on the doorframe, followed by the door swinging open. It was Karl, one of the men that worked in the front office, carrying a stack of lists to add to the pile. Ben looked up and gave a small nod in greeting as Karl looked him up and down before speaking. "Good afternoon Davidson. You are looking quite at ease."

Ben looked down at himself briefly before giving an apologetic smile that he did not quite mean. In the past few weeks he had ceased to be concerned with dressing properly, and was wearing only a plain old shirt that he had left untucked and open at the collar along with simple cotton breeches. "Forgive me Sir, I find that I can work more quickly if I am comfortable."

"I've told you time and again, Davidson, no need for formalities." Karl set the stack down and waved his hand dismissively. "I was merely going to comment that you look like one of the company sailors. Are you hoping for a career change?" He joked.

"No, that is quite all right. I think I have found my true calling in life." Ben gave a small smile to lessen the harshness of his sarcastic comment, but at the same time, found himself wishing that he was preparing to set sail for some of the far-flung places that the ships went.

 _Not without Lissie, of course. I wonder, what would she think if she saw me here, looking like this?_ Ben grinned outwardly as he realized she would likely take it as a cue to remove her own socks and shoes, and loosen her stays considerably.

Meanwhile, Karl was speaking to him as he set the new lists down on top of the pile. "-be good for you to come aboard when she arrives just to have more of a first-hand look at the operations here; what would you think about that?"

"Yes Sir." Ben said automatically, bringing himself back to the present. Karl frowned slightly at him and raised an eyebrow, before giving an awkward, "Well, carry on," before leaving. Ben took a deep breath and turned back to his work, feeling slightly regretful that he had squandered one of his few opportunities for human interaction. He rolled up his sleeves as he prepared to continue writing, and at once felt Felicity's coral necklace, which he had looped around his wrist for safe keeping. During their last goodbye, she had taken his hand and shoved the necklace into it, and he had responded by removing his signal whistle and giving it to her. The entire exchange had been wordless, yet Ben felt that the action had conveyed all that was necessary. He held up his wrist and ran his fingers along the beads, thinking of how Felicity would touch them for good luck.

 _I need more than luck if I'm going to have any hope to get back to you, my love._

He ran a hand through his hair and set back to copying notes.

 _Only 5 more hours to go._

….

Felicity sat in the kitchen and stirred the rapidly-heating sugar mixture in the bottom of the small pot, which was hanging over the fire. Without stopping, she addressed Nan, who was looking over her shoulder, "You must keep stirring quickly as soon as you add the butter and milk, or it won't come together. And then, all of your time and sugar has been wasted. Do you see?"

"Aye." Nan said. She waited a moment more, then asked, "How do you know when it is finished?"

"Once it looks thoroughly combined, I'll add a bit of vanilla oil, then remove it from the fire. Then I'll stir it a bit more as it cools and thickens." Felicity said, still keeping her efforts on stirring.

"Hmm." Nan said. Felicity should sense her sister's growing discomfort of the heat in the kitchen, and figured it was a good thing that it only took a few minutes to make caramel. She drew an arm across her own sweaty brow, and studied her work. The caramel sauce looked smooth and smelled heavenly, just as she knew it would be. Satisfied, she took the tongs and removed the pot from the fire, and Nan jumped out of the way to clear a path for it.

"Now," Felicity said, "we need to wait until it cools a little more before we pour it over the cakes. Maybe a half-hour or so? This is the time in which you will go clean up." She grinned, feeling a fair bit of pride at how cooking seemed to come so easily for her.

Nan looked at her. "Didn't you forget the salt? Or is that added after you pour it?"

Felicity thought for a moment, before replying. "I'm not sure if Elizabeth cares for the salted caramel version. Since this is her birthday celebration, I'm doing things to her preference."

Nan smiled. "I'm just now remembering how Ben loved the salted version, so that must have been why I thought it was a necessary ingredient!"

Felicity's mouth twitched a bit at this mention of Ben. She quickly composed herself and gave Nan a slight smile. "Aye, I can see how you might think that!"

Nan ignored her last comment. "So, tell me, I believe Elizabeth's sister, Annabelle, she will be at the party, no?"

"Aye, of course." Felicity replied, having an inkling of what Nan was getting at.

"What is her deal? You know what I'm speaking of, right?" Nan asked.

"Not exactly." Felicity knew exactly what Nan was going to bring up.

"How old is she? Twenty-one? Twenty-two? And she has yet to get engaged. Does she currently have a suitor? Or has she given up completely by now?" Nan was giving that odd half-smile that matched her gossipy tone.

Felicity knew she did not owe Annabelle anything after years of snide insults and other forms of verbal abuse, yet felt compelled to defend her. "Annabelle has been very particular about the men she chooses, and refuses to lower her expectations even in the face of societal pressure." She replied pointedly. "She refuses to attach herself to men of weak caliber, as she says."

Nan scoffed. "It is highly unlikely that she is in the position to be choosy at her age! Why, I feel pity for Elizabeth, having to wait until Annabelle becomes engaged before she can be eligible! With the way things are going, both of the Cole daughters will remain spinsters!"

Felicity knew that she should not indulge Nan by continuing this conversation, yet found herself wanting to correct her. Against her better judgement she replied, "Elizabeth told me that her mother will allow her to court after she turns eighteen, whether or not Annabelle has found a match."

"Oooh," squealed Nan, "I bet she is excited for her upcoming birthday, right? How embarrassing it will be for Annabelle if her little sister weds before she does!"

"Actually," Felicity corrected her, "Elizabeth assured me that she will wait. She sees the trouble that Annabelle has, and that…." She caught herself before adding _and that I have_ , "-how difficult love and courtships can be. She does not want to rush anything." She gave Nan a pointed look before adding what she swore was their mother's favorite saying. "One day you will understand."

Nan frowned slightly at Felicity's last comment, but was undeterred. "It's lucky for the both of us that you have Ben. I would just start to despise you if I had to wait like Elizabeth has. She has the patience of a saint!"

Felicity sighed, wondering if Nan had paid any mind to what she had just been told. She decided to end the conversation, for good. "Love and romance is a very complicated thing, and we cannot always predict what will come from the decisions we make."

"No, I think love is simple, and some people just make it unnecessarily difficult." Nan crossed her arms in front of her chest. She nodded to the caramel sauce. "Do you think it has cooled enough?"

Felicity's mouth twitched again, and she cursed herself for falling into such a serious conversation with her naive, gossipy little sister. She grabbed a pair of oven mitts and swirled the pot before saying, "Perhaps a few more minutes."

Nan considered this, "Well, I do need to be on my way. Thanks for the lesson!" She waved and ducked out of the kitchen before Felicity could say a word.

Felicity shrugged to herself, then turned back to the caramel, finding herself wishing there was a way to salt a few of the cakes and send them on to Yorktown to let Ben know that she was thinking of him. _Lord knows that I must make this clear in every letter that I send him._ A wave of sadness passed over her as she recalled his farewell in the previous letter that she had received.

 _Tell me truthfully, my dear, am I still worthy in your eyes?_

She pictured him saying those words as he stood in front of her, imagining the tone of his voice and the look in his eyes, and her heart ached for him.

 _Of course you are worthy, my darling. You are worthy as the sun rises and sets every day. Do what you must to come for me,_ She had written in response. The last letter was sent off about a week ago through regular post, so Ben should be receiving it by now. She was hoping that her words would lift his spirit, at least marginally so. She picked up the oven mitts and swirled the pot again, deciding it was cool enough to pour over the cakes. As she did so, she thought about Ben's new work. He hadn't said much about it, just that he was going to be copying inventory lists. Nothing more, nothing less. Felicity thought it was one of the dullest tasks she had ever heard of, nearly comparable to mending. But, there was no point in voicing her opinion on it; Ben had already made it clear that he felt as though he was decaying away at the job.

 _Ben, what are you going to do now? You must not stay there._ She took a wooden spoon and scraped out the residual caramel, then studied her work. _Perfect._

She made her way out of the kitchen and up to her bedroom where she would change and freshen up before the party. There, she sat down on her bed and pulled out the stack of letters from Ben that she had collected since his departure the previous November. As she idly flipped through them, she took note of how Ben's tone and manner changed to one of boredom, insecurity, and despair as the months wore on. She pulled out the letter written for her on St. Valentine's day to compare it with his most recent letter, and had trouble believing they were written by the same person. Back in those days, she remembered how unhappy she had been with his departure, and made it clear in the letters she had written how much she was struggling. He, in turn had kept an optimistic tone, promising her that there were good things coming. And now that he was deep in despair, she would be the one to keep an optimistic tone.

 _My love, if you really do believe I am holding a piece of you, please also believe that I am keeping it safe, and taking good care of it. Now come back to me._

She made a mental note to write that in her next letter if his dark tone still had not lifted.

….

As Ben returned back to his mother and father's home for the midday meal, he noticed a letter had arrived from him. He eagerly picked it up, broke the familiar seal, and unfolded it.

 _August 15_ _th_ _, 1782_

 _My Dear Ben,_

 _You question your worth to me? Tell me, is the sky now green? Of course you are worthy, my darling. You are worthy as the sun rises and sets every day._

Ben grinned at these words in spite of the embarrassment he felt at his dramatic question. He sat down at the table and continued to read.

 _I remember this time last summer. We were finally together after a whole lot of unnecessary struggle. To date, I will remember this as one of the happiest times of my life. Even after what it brought, I do not regret hiding. I believe that it brought us together in a more complete way than a typical courtship would have done. In fact, I will go on to say that this is the happiest I have ever been. I do miss you, wholly and truly, but I feel like you awoke another part of me._

 _Now, this brings me to my next point. Ben, I do not care what kind of foothold you have in society. I do not need wealth, or nice things, or a big house. So please, don't go on with the assumption that you need lots of money for our union to happen. I want for nothing except you._

 _All of my love,_

 _Felicity_

Ben slowly folded the letter up, thinking about the contents. Through all of her letters Felicity had made it a point to assure him that she regretted nothing, that he was still worthy, to come for her, etcetera, etcetera. It was almost as if she could tell how insecure he was.

 _She probably can. This is not a good trait in a man._ He remembered his sister, Anna, complaining about a would-be suitor in this very fashion. _Don't let yourself become insecure_. She had said. _Insecurity easily turns to jealousy, and girls can detect it in an instant._

"Ben?" His father's voice interrupted his thoughts, and he turned around. Samuel Davidson gave him a light smile. "A letter from Felicity?" He asked.

"Aye." Ben said. He smiled back at his father. "I didn't realize you had arrived home. How were your travels?" Samuel Davidson had been up in the New England colonies for the past few weeks to meet with various merchants. "Productive enough," was the reply as he pulled out a chair next to Ben at the table. "So, tell me about your new job."

"It is…it is nothing interesting. I'm just copying inventory lists into permanent ledgers." Ben looked down at his folded hands and tried to ignore the sense of familiar shame that filled his chest.

"Hm." His father said. "What kind of personnel do you work with?"

Ben looked upward, thinking about the few folks that would come by his tiny backroom office. "Just, the man that serves as the go-between for the larger office in Philadelphia. Well," he made a face, "I think it is Philadelphia. It might actually be Baltimore."

His father raised an eyebrow. "Or Boston?" Ben detected the sarcasm in his voice, and shrugged noncommittally, still looking at his folded hands. A moment of silence passed before his father spoke again. "Is this how you are dressing for work? This is acceptable attire?"

Now irritated, Ben pressed his lips together. "No one sees me at work, so I figure I can wear what I choose. Besides, if I dressed nicely and no one was there to notice, am I actually dressed nicely at all?" He knew that he was not making a concise point, but that did not seem to matter.

"Ben." His father shook his head at him. "I'm sorry that you are having a difficult time, but you need to take a little pride in your work. Tell me, what do you know about the Asiatic Company?"

Put on guard, Ben shrugged. "It used to be called the Danish East India Company."

"And?" His father challenged.

"And now it is called the Asiatic Company." Ben replied in a deadpan voice. A mutinous feeling was rising in his chest.

"Ben." His father removed his glasses and rubbed his eyes. "The Asiatic Company has been at the forefront of trade between the West Indies, Bengal, Canton, and Scandinavia."

Ben knew all of this, but did not care to point it out. He unfolded and refolded his fingers, remaining silent.

Samuel Davidson watched him for a moment, then spoke again. "It would do good for you to put on a better face, and get better acquainted with the folks that you do interact with. Take a bit of pride in your work, Son. Now please, would you put on some clean clothes and perhaps tie your hair back? Your mother will return very soon and I know it is distressing for her to see you in such a state."

Ben wanted to cross his arms in front of his chest, look away, tell his father that there is no point, _but,_ he figured, _that would be completely childish. You want to act this way, then are completely surprised to find that you are essentially unemployable._ Giving in, he stood up and collected Felicity's letter before heading upstairs.

Once there, he laid her letter upon his desk with all of the other letters sat. He liked to keep them all out in the open, so that he might look over and see them, which never failed to lift his spirits. He imagined Felicity in one of her light summer gowns, or wait, was it nighttime, in which she would probably be wearing a night dress? Either way, in his mind she would be brushing the quill against her lips, an inquisitive look on her face, before thoughtfully writing all of the generous words of love and encouragement. He focused on this newest letter, the final paragraph in particular. She had insisted that he did not need money or prestige for her to be truly happy, that all she needed was him.

This vow made sense, as Felicity was never one to really care about money or fine things. And, while he had come from a similar background of wealth, he knew that likewise, he did not have any sort of attachment to it. But on the other hand, he fought alongside many men who came from poor backgrounds. These men often could not read, nor write, had many siblings who died from diseases of unsanitary conditions, and often spoke almost fondly of suffering through bitter cold winters with only threadbare clothes and never enough wood for fire. What was it that one of his fellow soldiers always said? Oh yes, _While tis true that money does not buy happiness, poverty only buys despair and misery._

Ben tapped his fingers on his desk, thinking. While it was a stretch to say that his job paid only starvation wages, there was still no way that he would ask for her hand while he was in his current position. She deserved so much more than this. He glanced at his pocketwatch, and decided there would be plenty of time to write a response to her letter.

…

"Happy birthday my darling!" Greeted Felicity cheerfully as the doorway to the Cole's home opened to reveal Elizabeth. She tucked the basket of cakes under her arm in order to hug her friend, which Elizabeth returned with enthusiasm, before taking the cakes from Felicity and gesturing for her to come in. "Thank you so much for coming early to help me set up."

"Of course! I am happy you asked." Felicity said as she followed Elizabeth into the disorganized parlor. "As you can see," explained Elizabeth, "I had quite a few delusions of grandeur when it came to decorating the place. Mama and Annabelle are still out of their errands, and I thought they would return by now."

Felicity glanced at the many woven garlands of vines and flowers that likely came from the florist, and lace from the milliners, then mapped out a strategy for how she would decorate the room. She grinned at Elizabeth, "Why don't you put the lace rolls down across the table tops? Then I will overlap every thing with vines. Once we have all of the surfaces covered, we will see what is left over. Does this sound fine to you?"

Elizabeth nodded, and the two girls set to work. Felicity felt at ease hanging the various garlands around, as she had done numerous times with plants and flowers she had collected from her garden and out exploring. Before she knew it, she and Elizabeth had covered the entirety of the parlor with ample time to spare. At the moment, Felicity had sat Elizabeth down, and was weaving her golden hair into a thick braid, intertwining it with lavender florets.

As she worked, Elizabeth broke the silence. "Lissie, may I ask you a favor?"

"Of course." Felicity said, wondering what could be on her friend's mind.

Elizabeth hesitated for a moment, suddenly uneasy. "If any of the ladies brings up the issue of lads, or courtships, or engagements, or anything of the matter as it pertains to me and my coming of age, if you will, would you please steer the conversation away towards other topics?"

"Yes, of course I will." Felicity replied with sincerity. She easily picked up on Elizabeth's frustration with the topic and was prepared to not ask any follow-up questions, but Elizabeth kept talking. "It turns out that Mama was quite serious in telling me that I could court when I turned eighteen whether or not Annabelle had found a husband. She has been hinting about it for several weeks now, and just yesterday she told me in so many words that she expects me to find a fellow soon. She has given up on Annabelle finding anyone, and now relies solely on me to be a wife and produce grandchildren!"

Felicity immediately emphasized with Elizabeth's frustration at having her mother sit her down and remind her of perceived responsibilities, but was a little confused at her friend's hesitation. "You…you don't want a family?" She asked, trying and failing to phrase her words delicately.

"What? Of course I do. I want to fall in love, have children of my own." Elizabeth said, waving her hand dismissively. "It's just that I don't like the idea of other people poking into my business about it. I don't want the pressure of it. And now that I have reached some sort of imaginary status, it seems that I am ripe for the plucking, if you will!"

Felicity bit her lip to keep from snickering at Elizabeth's rather erotic analogy, and instead addressed her concerns. "I completely understand. This is something you need to come into on your own."

Elizabeth kept talking, as if she were unloading a great deal off her chest. "I just don't want all of these eyes on me. I was hoping dearly that Annabelle would find a fellow. I don't care to be the focus." She looked up at Felicity, concern in her eyes. "I know this all sounds odd to you, but I think it is the difference between being the eldest, and being the youngest. You are used to reaching these milestones first, and everyone sees you and you are fine with the attention. But me, I am not used to doing things first, and all of the attention that comes with it. I was very much relying on Annabelle to take the center stage with this." She sighed. "It is just such a major decision, and it is distressing to me that I am expected to make it as soon as possible."

"Oh come now!" Felicity chuckled, hoping that she could lessen Elizabeth's concerns with the matter. "Courtships are no big deal, and you really should just relax and let it happen. Yes, I think that it is wrong for your mother to put pressure on you, but also, you should not fear lads. Why, I think that when you find the right one, everyone and everything around you will all turn into the wind rushing through!" She was a little surprised to realize these words just flowed out of her.

It worked, and Elizabeth seemed to relax. She smiled. "You seem to be speaking from experience."

"Aye." Felicity said, as sudden thoughts of Ben invaded her mind. She closed her eyes to focus better on banishing them, and instantly felt guilty at her efforts to dismiss him as if he were merely a bad dream or an awkward memory. For some absurd reason, she worried that he could hear her thoughts, despite being so many miles away. _My love, I promise I will think on you later. But right now is not the opportune time to feel sad. Do you understand me?_

Elizabeth instantly picked up on her change of mood. "Lissie! Forgive me, I did not mean to make you feel sad!" She twisted around in the chair to look up at Felicity, her blue eyes wide with remorse.

Felicity shook her head. "Please do not trouble yourself with it. I am okay, as you can see." She gave Elizabeth a reassuring grin, which helped bring her into the present.

Elizabeth's brow furrowed with concern. She studied Felicity's face. "Are…are you okay? I mean…with Ben? Are you feeling better?" She asked hesitantly.

Felicity had long thought this through. "Yes, compared to the early days after Ben's departure I am feeling much better. I've learned that as long as I keep my mind distracted, everything is fine."

"Hm." Elizabeth said. "'Tis good to hear. I remember that you were so devastated for many weeks. I wanted to do everything I could to see you back to your normal self." She turned back around, allowing Felicity to put the final touches on her hair.

"And you did!" Felicity said, squeezing Elizabeth's shoulders. "You were of great help to me." She kept an upbeat tone, but the feelings of residual guilt remained in her chest. She hoped Elizabeth did not get the impression that her love was waning. "It does not mean that I am over my feelings, of course. I miss Ben terribly." She added quickly.

"And he feels the same way?" Elizabeth asked, then clarified her question. "I mean, is he starting to feel better as well?"

"Hm." Felicity thought for a moment, not wanting to divulge the fact that Ben's recent letters were full of insecurity and despair. "I believe so. He is keeping himself quite busy in Yorktown, and has been traveling to meet with investors!" She had no intention of telling Elizabeth that these meetings had been unsuccessful, and the omission sent a slight flush across her face.

"I'm happy to hear that things are well enough for the both of you." Elizabeth smiled, picking up a small hand mirror to examine her hair. "Oh Lissie, thank you! It's so pretty!"

"You're welcome." Felicity grinned, a bit relieved to be able to stop talking about Ben. "Now, was there anything else we need to do to prepare?"

…

As the ladies arrived for the party and settled in, Felicity realized that she had unwittingly taken on the role as hostess as she made sure that everyone had a cup of chocolate and a glass of lemonade. She eyed Annabelle, who sat comfortably in the circle, chatting as Felicity scrambled to set out the many desserts. When Annabelle either simply did not notice, or pretended not to see, Felicity inwardly shrugged and resigned herself to the task. As she worked, she kept an ear as best she could to the conversation.

"-I heard word that there was a skirmish west of Virginia, at Bryant's Station. I think the fort was saved, despite being fought upon by combined British and Native forces." Felicity had her back turned, but recognized the speaker as a girl named Abigail.

"Really? I was hoping that after Yorktown, the British troops would think to leave us well enough alone!" Fiona's Scottish accent was unmistakable.

"There have been tons of small battles since Yorktown! It would do you some good to pay attention," said Annabelle in her typical manner.

"Aye." Elizabeth agreed. "'Most of the action is outside of the main colonies, towards the Western frontier and the Spanish-occupied South."

Seemingly unbothered, Fiona spoke again. "I wonder exactly what they are fighting for. I believe the harder road is ahead of us now, to show England that we can self-rule."

Felicity finally had a plate ready to pass around and was eager to be able to jump into the conversation, but the ladies had fallen into a momentary silence. Unperturbed, she handed to the plate off and addressed Fiona. "I wonder the same thing. I wish I could sit into one of the sessions of the Continental Congress just to see how they operate."

"You don't think it would be terribly dull?" Sybil asked with raised eyebrows.

Felicity gave her a genuine smile. "Not while they make their major decisions, heavens no! I wonder, will they instill General Washington as our new king? Or will they govern by the people, as the Romans did? We are living history!"

"Hm." Sybil said, "I suppose I agree with you. But imagine this. If you were indeed able to sneak in late one night and hide under a desk where the Congress meets, how would you feel if you were then forced to listen to back and forth arguments for eight hours on whether the King's Road should be re-named? That is what likely occurs."

Felicity chuckled and conceded that Sybil indeed had a point. Still, regardless of the topic, she kept her opinion as is. Renaming the King's Road, among other seemingly trivial things would likely have small, but rippling impacts on their new nation. _Why on Earth would it still be called the King's Road if King George and Queen Charlotte had no say anymore?_

She realized with a start that the conversation had continued on without her while she had been alone in her thoughts, and tuned back in.

"One thing is certain. All of the major operations are over, so there have been more and more lads returning from fighting." Kitty had been rather silent up until this point.

"I thought so! Perhaps I'll have better luck with meeting a fellow now." Abigail smiled and held up her glass.

Felicity inwardly sighed. _The conversation never fails to turn towards the topic of men_. She eyed the dessert plate at the end table, and jumped back up to refill it.

"We should all be aware that there could be much fewer men to choose from, because of…battles." Fiona said, rather awkwardly. The rest of the girls fell into predictable silence.

"So…once you find a suitor, it might be best not to let him go, unless he is truly awful." Said Kitty, equally awkwardly.

"Easy for you to say," Elizabeth added, "You are already set to wed!" She grinned at Kitty good-naturedly.

Felicity forced herself to pay close attention to the conversation, in case anyone asked any prying questions to Elizabeth. _Silly girl, why are you contributing to a conversation that you hoped to avoid?_ Her mind raced to think about what, exactly, she would say to steer the conversation away. _Perhaps more talk about politics?_

"Forgive me for showing my naivety, but how awful does a man have to be to warrant dropping him?" I mean, if you liked a fellow enough to take him as a beau, why would he change? Abigail asked.

Annabelle snorted. "You don't know the half of it. Their bodies may get older, but men never reach emotional maturity. They remain as jealous, insecure, and petty as they did when they were children! You will see. They start off as nice to win your trust and affection, then change so slowly that you wonder if you are just imagining it! Then when you call them out on it, they find a way to blame you!"

"Really now? That's quite a damning thing to say." Abigail said.

Annabelle crossed her arms. "I meant every word of it. Why, I had a fellow tell me outright that men preferred stupid women!"

"What?" Elizabeth asked, a look of disbelief growing on her face.

Annabelle turned towards her, a smirk on her lips. "Is there a word you did not understand?"

 _Leave it to Annabelle to liven up the conversation_. Thought Felicity, mildly amused. As she worked to process Annabelle's allegations, she realized that Joseph seemed to enjoy telling her that she was incorrect on a great variety of things, or was always steering her towards conversations on topics that she had less knowledge in. She took pride in knowing she never let him make her feel foolish, at least not in the long run. _Thank God I did not accept his engagement_.

"I think it would be hard to drop a suitor." Fiona said. "Why, you put all of this time and effort into finding one, then you have to start over." She shook her head. "It would be so nerve-wracking."

Her thoughts still partially on Joseph, Felicity turned around, a tray of desserts in her hand and spoke her mind without realizing it. "It is completely worth it. You should not be with a man who makes you unhappy." She half-expected a flush to rise in her cheeks as the ladies all turned towards her, but there was only resolve. She handed the dessert tray to Elizabeth, who smiled as she took it.

"Yes, indeed! You are referring to Dr. Stevens, no?" Kitty asked.

Felicity had no desire to openly badmouth Joseph, and her mind raced to explain as gently as possible. "Aye, in a sense. I felt myself growing unhappy, and he would not have been happy with me. So breaking it off was the wisest choice, and gives us both another chance to seek happiness."

"But, forgive me, Felicity, are you not afraid that you might find yourself alone?" Fiona asked.

Annabelle scoffed. "You speak as if being alone were a fate worse than death." No one paid attention to her.

Now Felicity felt her face flush, as she realized she was stuck. She felt like she wasn't quite ready to reveal her and Ben's relationship to this group lest they might ask prying questions on his whereabouts, yet denying it would be a far worse thing. She fumbled to come up with an answer.

Elizabeth's voice cut into the awkward silence. "Except that….Felicity is not alone." Felicity turned her head towards her in surprise, as Elizabeth raised a hand to her mouth as if she wanted to take back what she just said.

 _You said you would never tell!_ If at all possible, Felicity felt her face flush even more as a chorus of "Who is it?" "Is it a secret?" "Why did you not tell us?" sounded from around the room. Normally she would have rolled her eyes at the conversation, but it lended her an altogether different feeling as she was in the center stage.

Abigail spoke up. "Oh! I just realized! I know exactly who it is!" Felicity looked at her, shocked. "The chain around your neck. That is Ben Davidson's signal whistle, is it not? I remember that he was always wearing it!"

Felicity's hand flew to her collarbone, and realized that she was still wearing Ben's whistle. She had completely forgotten to remove it before the party.

"You memorized what his signal whistle looks like?" Fiona grinned. "Well, he is much taller than me so it was right at my eye level whenever I would shop in Merriman's store!" Retorted Abigail. The two girls looked at Felicity. "Tell us, is it true?" Fiona asked.

Felicity sighed. "Aye." Her admission was met with a chorus of "Awwws", and she felt herself smiling a little, her shock dissipating. Perhaps the secrecy was completely unnecessary, and borne only out of habit.

"Ben Davidson!" sighed Kitty. "Has there ever been a man so beautiful?"

"So what happened? I hear he was stabbed, and went back home to recuperate. At what point did you find yourselves in a relationship? Why, did he confess his feelings to you as he thought he was near death?" Abigail was grinning with merriment.

"No, I've got it! Felicity called it off with Dr. Stevens, so Ben was free to shake off that air of melancholia he always wore and confess his undying love for her. But, before they could run away together to avoid her father's disproval for falling in love with the apprentice, Ben was tragically stabbed!" Fiona chimed in, her eyes shining.

"Now, their only means of communication is through letters!" Abigail said, before focusing on Felicity. "Tell me, does he write and send love letters to you?"

Felicity gave Abigail a smile. "There have been a few love letters, yes." She was a little surprised at how calmly she was taking their jibes, figuring as long as they kept coming up with these scenarios, she wouldn't be expected to tell them exactly what transpired between her, Joseph, and Ben. She leaned back in her chair, content to let them theorize about the contents of the letters, such as long as she was not asked directly. Out of the corner of her eye, she noticed Elizabeth staring at her. Felicity turned her head to see Elizabeth's mortified, apologetic expression as she mouthed _I'm so sorry_.

 _No worries_. Felicity mouthed back, and smiled as the girls around them continued to gleefully make up wild theories about her and Ben.

….

A/N:

1) Once again, I apologize for the length of time it took to put this out. I've been doing a quite a bit of traveling for work, and had to spend nearly a week away from the story.

2) Yup, Elizabeth is being completely ignored at her own birthday party. These things happen, but I think she is fine with it just as long as everyone is having a good time.

3) I refuse to believe that ladies who are good friends would just be content sitting around and talking about "topics of general interest."

4) I hope I conveyed Felicity's "Well, secret's out. I suppose it's time enough for that to happen." attitude well enough towards the end.


	13. Chapter 13

_Please have good news….please have good news…please have good news….._

Felicity's hands shook slightly as she opened up the latest letter from Ben, and began to read.

 _August 31_ _st_ _, 1782_

 _Dearest Felicity,_

 _I was so happy to receive your letter, as I am with all of your letters. I am also so happy to have your reassurance that I am worthy in your eyes, and that you are waiting for me. I'll do my damndest to not make you wait much longer._

 _Lissie, I must address your final comments in the last letter you sent to me. You told me that you don't need great wealth to be happy, that you only want me. I take this to mean that you wish for me to come for you now, despite my lack of steady income and no possessions. Am I being presumptuous here? I'll tell you right now that I have had my fair share of dreams of tossing down my quill, standing up, and overturning the sad piece of nailed-together wood that I call my desk, and coming for you. But this is only a dream, and I cannot, nay, I will not force a life of poverty upon you._

Felicity frowned slightly. While she also had her share of fantasies about stealing away in the middle of the night on Penny to make her way to Yorktown, that was not exactly what she meant. _Well, at least not_ _literally._ She dismissed the slightly insulted feeling that had surfaced, and continued to read.

 _I was hoping that I would fall into a steady ease with my new job, and learn to tolerate the monotony, but it has not been easy. All day long my mind wanders, and sometimes I find myself wishing that I was one of the company sailors, ready to head out to sea on my next task. Then, I realize that the ship would be taking me even further away from you, and I cannot abide by this._

 _Please write to me soon, your letters the only thing that is keeping hold of my sanity._

 _With all of my love,_

 _Ben_

Still frowning, Felicity put the letter down. Was it just her imagination, or did he end it rather abruptly? She picked it up again and skimmed it, taking a mental count of any affectionate tones.

 _Repeating yet again that he will try to not make me wait much longer._

 _Telling me that he will not run off to play as sailor without me, at least not for the time being._

 _"All of my love"_

 _Having the gall to ask for a letter soon after this vague, halfhearted attempt._

Felicity closed her eyes as she instantly felt remorse at her last, dismissing thought. _You are overthinking the letter. Ben has no news to report, and wishes only to hear from you. 'Tis nothing to get angry over. You are just disappointed over the lack of good news._

A presence at the door broke her from her reverie, and she turned to see her mother standing there, watching her expectantly. Martha glanced down at the letter in her hand. "A letter from Ben?"

"Aye." Felicity said, a wary feeling growing in her chest. Ever since she and Ben had been found out, Felicity's relationship with her mother had become rather strained. The two of them would go through good periods, where it seemed as though everything was back to normal as it was before Ben's stabbing, but then any mention of Ben would cause her mother to become cold and often dismissive towards Felicity. As it so happened, a letter was one such example that soured Martha's temperament.

Indeed, a terse look passed over Martha's face and she pressed her lips together. "I have a few tasks for you to get to as soon as possible. First, we are in need of a large batch of muslin cloth. You will have to stop by the milliner's shop for that. Then, stop by your father's store after that to get some coffee and sugar; I would have Nan just bring it home with her but I aim to use it this afternoon. After that, would you please stop by the Fitchett's home? Sally has some berry preserves for you to pick up. And lastly, Felicity, this is important. You need to go to the school and accompany William home at 3 o'clock sharp. I cannot have much more of his nonsense hanging over my head, not since the last incident." Her voice became even more clipped, if at all possible. "It is not enough that I have to deal with your transgressions, now William has gotten into what seems to be some kind of a brawling club!"

Felicity took a deep breath and made a valiant effort to stay silent instead of defending herself and her so-called transgressions. There had been many occasions since Ben's departure which she did speak up and defend herself, but they accomplished nothing but a silent treatment that often lasted for days on end. _At least if I speak up I can keep myself in esteem. But it is unfortunate that I have to choose between my pride and Mother's favor._

Her mother's voice cut into Felicity's thoughts. "Felicity, are you listening to me? I said that if you left within the new few minutes you could accomplish all of those tasks with no difficulty. Off with you!"

"Yes mother." Felicity nodded and tucked the letter into her pocket, the thought of immediately leaving her mother's presence at the forefront of her mind.

….

Ben looked down at the railing of The Nicobar, running his hands across the banister. He had been taken to tour the ship while it was still docked in Yorktown at behest of Captain Magnusson, a barrel-shaped man with a thick Scandinavian accent, not all that different than his mother's. It was strange, for all of the dislike he had for his job, he had not been as keen on stepping out from his tiny office. Perhaps he was getting accustomed to the drudgery. But, the sight of the tall ship in the distance instantly brightened his spirits, and with the combination of the beautiful weather and the scent of the sea, he felt better than he had in a good long while. As he toured the ship, he imagined the now-empty compartments and storerooms skillfully stocked to the limit with goods. At the moment, he listened as the captain and first mate went over the route to Northern Europe.

"We sail up to Philadelphia, then direct across the Atlantic to Lisbon. Have you heard of it, boy?" Ben smiled and nodded. "Aye, sir."

Captain Magnusson nodded in return. "Good. We then sail northeast, docking again in Pontevedra, San Sebastian, then Brest. From there, we take the English Channel, before docking in The Hague, Amsterdam, then across the Baltic sea to Kristiansand, Oslo, then Copenhagen, Stockholm, and finally Helsinki. He looked at Ben expectantly, who spoke exactly what he was thinking. "It's an impressive operation, Sir. How long does the full route take, one way?"

"About four months." Captain Magnusson said, "depending on fair seas and timely merchants!" He laughed. "The ongoing war between you and the Brits has not made things easy."

"I understand, Sir. Tell me, has your operation gone a bit easier since the British have started retreating?" Ben knew the answer full well, but wanted to hear it from the Captain.

"Tell me, boy, is the sky blue?" The captain laughed, but did not answer Ben's question directly. "Karl tells me you are a veteran of this very war."

"Aye. Three long years." It was starting to feel like a long, cold dream, or part of another life to Ben.

"Three years? That's quite a long time. You don't look like a soldier, but then again, many of my boys don't look like sailors." He clapped Ben on the back, then turned and spoke a few words with his first mate in Swedish. Ben knew the language well, but made an effort to tune them out as not to eavesdrop. Instead, he looked up at the tallest mast, and saw a couple of men positioned high up on the rope ladders, busy with what looked to be fixing the sails. The sun shone brightly, making him shield his eyes with one hand. The ship bobbed, making it necessary to adjust his footing to keep from staggering, but from what he could see, the men did not seem to notice. He felt a hand on his shoulder and turned around to face Karl. "The captain needs to make preparations, so we will take our leave."

"Of course! Thank you both for showing me about." Ben shook hands with Captain Magnusson, who replied, "The pleasure is all mine."

Something about the mix of languages spoken around him, to Captain Magnusson's thick accent that compelled Ben to bid good bye in Swedish. "Trevlig resa!"

The Captain looked at him with a surprised look. "Tralar du svenska?"

"Ja." Ben replied, a little surprised at how at ease he felt.

The captain grinned at him and tipped his hat. "Lycka till!" He then turned back toward his first mate, and Ben turned to follow Karl off the ship. As he did this, he thought of the captain's final parting words of good luck. His smile faded as he wondered if the other man was being sardonic. Was he referring to the fact that Ben would need a fair bit of luck in dealing with the endless copying? Perhaps he was overthinking it.

A voice cut into his thoughts. "Davidson, is it true what you said? You fought for three years?" Karl had previously been walking ahead of Ben, but he had trailed back momentarily.

"Aye." Ben simply said, hoping for no follow-up questions. In his mind, the subject was not completely taboo, but he still did not know exactly how to talk about it. _Where do I begin?_

Karl seemed to pick up on Ben's wish, only adding, "You've got some mettle."

Ben gave a polite smile, and the two men walked in silence for a moment more, before Ben decided to speak up. "Did you fight?"

Karl pressed his lips together. "No, I did not. I was overseas when the war broke out, and my wife wrote to me and made me swear that I would stay put; we did not know how safe the journey back would be. When it became apparent that the way back was safe enough, she made me swear again that I would stay put, lest I get conscripted upon my return. I was finally able to return after the surrender at Yorktown." He took a deep breath and turned towards Ben, a slightly embarrassed look on his face. "Forgive me for being defensive. I know that there are many that view me as a coward for sitting out the war."

Ben shrugged. Once upon a time ago, he would have considered any able-bodied man who did not fight a coward, but that seemed like another lifetime ago, and he felt like a completely different person. Now, he did not care to judge. "You had your reasons."

"I hope so." Karl said. "My work kept me away quite often, but never for years at a time. When I returned, my daughters were all young women, two of them with children of their own. My wife says it was all worth it, but," He paused and sighed, "but those years are something I cannot get back."

The heaviness of that last statement hung over Ben, and he was at a loss at how to respond. The two of them walked a moment more before Ben decided on a response. "Your wife is admirable for her desire to keep you safe."

Karl gave him a half-smile. "She knows that my poor hearing and eyesight would have gotten me killed rather fast."

Karl's last statement triggered a memory for Ben, and he instantly heard Felicity's childlike voice echoing through his mind. _"I can't see that a sickly, skinny, limping soldier would do General Washington and his army a bit of good."_

 _Felicity also desired to keep me safe. But I left eventually, and I survived._

"It is like you have two lives, or your life was separated by such a significant amount of time that your life seems to have been split into two completely different lives." Ben did not necessarily mean to say those words out loud, but here they were.

"Pardon?" Karl asked.

"While everyone else's life has existed on a continuum, with little to no divide between the different parts, it was as if everything stood still for you for those few years you were overseas. But, life moved quickly and changed drastically for everyone else, and when you returned, you had to figure out where exactly you fit in. Were you a completely different person? Or were you exactly the same person, but everyone around you changed so drastically that you just felt different?" Ben looked skyward, realizing that he should have internalized those thoughts. But, he figured that Karl already had the impression that he was a rather strange fellow.

"I just have to say that that is the most I've ever heard you speak." Karl shook his head. "Also you are right, in a sense. I've always been rather useless. Was that what you were referring to? I'm afraid I may have missed your point. Don't worry though, I will not make you explain yourself further." He chuckled, and Ben felt relieved to drop the conversation. Being alone with his inner monologue, day in and day out for hours on end had affected his thought processes. He would have to be more careful about speaking his mind in the future.

Only a minute more passed before the two of them were back at the office, and Ben bid Karl farewell as the other man gathered what he needed and left. Alone once again with his thoughts, Ben dwelled on what he had told Karl about having two lives. At the back of his mind, he knew that this was a question he asked himself. _When I returned home from the war, Felicity was obviously no longer the same person she had been, and I was no longer her childhood friend. So what was I? Just Merriman's apprentice?_ He knew full well the answer to that, and flinched at the feeling that overcame him when he remembered what it was like to be on the outside, looking in towards Felicity and Joseph's relationship. _Will it again take weeks, months for us to get back to what we were?_

 _Anyways, this is all in the past, so stop dwelling on it._ As soon as he forced these thoughts out of his head, a new thought entered, spoken in Karl's voice.

 _"Those years are something I cannot get back."_

Ben wrapped his arms around himself as he saw Felicity do many times over the years if she was momentarily overcome. He had often made fun of her for the dramatic action, but realized in time that it had a very comforting effect. _Lissie, how are you? I want to be there with you. I don't know what I am doing so far away. Tell me, will we once again be strangers when I return to you? I must not let this be so._ He felt a lump in his throat and swallowed against it, and unwelcome tears stung his eyes. He felt sadness for Karl, for the irreplaceable years that he had missed, and he felt deep regret for himself, to be wasting such precious time that he otherwise should be spending on making memories with her.

He blinked and shook his head as if to shake of the feeling and looked up to see the map mounted on the wall, then walked closer and put a finger up to it, tracing along all of the cities and ports that Captain Magnusson had mentioned. _Lisbon, San Sebastian….The Hague, Oslo….Copenhagen…._

 _Lissie so desires to visit far-flung places such as these._

 _Lissie, I'll fix this mess we are in. I promise to make it up to you._

 _Lissie, I hope you are thinking fondly of me right now._

…

"Oh Hell and damnation!"

Felicity heard the church bell ring out for half-past three, and she picked up the hem of her gown so she could walk a little faster towards the school. She had made the folly of stopping by Mrs. Fitchett's home early on, figuring it was close. There, Mrs. Fitchett insisted that she sit for a few minutes for a coffee. She had obliged, not wanting to feel rude, but this left her open for questions about her relationship with Ben. _"I knew it, I knew it!"_ Mrs. Fitchett had exclaimed. _"You two are so darling together!"_ Felicity did not quite know how the older woman had found out, but she was not at all surprised at the way the news had gone around after Elizabeth's party. She just had to remind herself that everyone seemed happy for her and Ben, so secrecy was no longer necessary. For the purpose of avoiding more detailed questioning, Felicity had sought to distract Mrs. Fitchett by asking for details about her youth and meeting her husband. It wasn't long after, that Felicity found herself completely enthralled in Mrs. Fitchett's long story of how she stole her future husband from her childhood arch-rival. _"Why, you should have seen the look on her face, the slow comprehension that dawned as she saw me on his arm! It was simply delightful!"_ The older woman was positively giggling as she recounted the tale. _"I am so glad that you are older now, my dear, and I can share my stories with you! Many of them aren't fit for children!"_ Felicity had found Mrs. Fitchett's words strangely comforting. Perhaps the complicated way in which she and Ben had begun was acceptable enough after all, and there was no reason for anyone to tell her she should be ashamed. The fun came to an end as she noticed a clock on the mantle that read a quarter past three. After an apology and a hasty goodbye, she was on her way.

She broke into a run, hoping to fetch William rather quickly so she could pick up the coffee and sugar that she had neglected to get earlier. _And what else? Oh yes, the muslin cloth. Or….or maybe I won't bother with these things; Mother will just have to accept that I chose to spend my time having coffee with a respectable someone who appreciated my company._ As the impressive figure of the College of William and Mary came into view, she slowed down and kept an eye out for William.

William was not out front, nor was he waiting at the side door. Irritation grew in her chest as she ran around the back of the building and tried the doors there. No luck, everything was locked. Felicity sighed and figured that William had just taken it upon himself to return home, just as he normally would, and that it would be best if she finished her errands, lest she return home with no muslin cloth, no coffee, no sugar, and no William. She turned and was about to head back to the main road, when she heard a muffled voice. She paused, looked over her shoulder towards a small wooded area and held her breath to render herself completely silent.

"Shh! She sees us!" Exclaimed an adolescent male voice. Laughter followed, and Felicity found herself striding in their direction, fury growing in her chest once again. She pushed a few branches away to come to a small clearing where William and several of his classmates were gathered. "William! What on Earth is going on here? What happened to you?" William was sitting cross-legged on the ground, holding a bloody kerchief up to the side of his head.

"Hello sister. I figured you would be late." He said, grinning up at her rather woozily.

Felicity jumped forward and knelt next to him, taking the kerchief away. Underneath it was a large gash, blood still trickling out of it. She pressed it back to his forehead, then glared up at the group of ten or eleven boys. "What happened here? Who did this?" She was met by silence, as many of the boys flushed red and avoided her gaze. "Well?" She fumed, "Answer me!"

"They won't answer you. That would be breaking rule number one." William informed her.

"I beg your pardon?" Felicity exclaimed, "What in God's name is rule number one?"

One of the boys stepped forward and gave her an uneasy bow. "Miss Felicity, the first rule of brawl club is that you do not talk about brawl club."

 _Oh yes, William's brawling club. Mother was not exaggerating after all._

"Imbeciles!" Felicity snapped, standing up and pulling William to his feet. "We are leaving." She announced to the group, and strode out of the forest, dragging William behind her and doing her best ignore the fact that several of the boys were snickering and blowing kisses at her. "They all like you." William commented.

"Charmed." Felicity said, sarcastically. She looked back at William, and was relieved to see that he was walking fine on his own. Still, there was no way that she was bringing him home in this condition. "We are not far from the apothecary. It would be good to stop by and see what he can do for you."

"Uh-huh." William said, trailing along after her long strides. After a moment, he spoke again, his voice still working rather slowly. "I'd rather see Joseph. I likely need stitches, and I think he would do a better job with it. You know he stitched Ben up, right?"

 _Absolutely not._ Felicity thought. "Mr. Galt's office is much closer, and he treated me fine after I broke my arm, remember?"

"No, I don't remember." Answered William. "Was I a sentient being then?"

"Perhaps not." Felicity admitted, trying to ignore the stares of passerby's as she pulled William along.

As they drew closer to the apothecary, Felicity noticed a sign on the door. She dropped William's arm and dashed forward to get a closer look.

 _Back in one hour._ It read.

'Hell and Damnation!" Felicity swore again. She looked back at William, who was still bleeding freely from the gash in his head. She tossed up her hands in frustration. "I cannot just take you home, can I? Then mother can take you to see Dr. Stevens if she is back from the Ramseys."

William crouched down and pressed both hands to his head, moaning. "It didn't hurt before, but now it is starting to."

Felicity ran back and knelt in front of William, her anger instantly dissipating and concern taking over. "Okay, you've got your wish," she sighed, "Let's go try Dr. Steven's office." She braced William's shoulders and guided him back up to standing. As they walked, her thoughts went towards Joseph. Being that they lived in the same town, she would see him from time to time, but it was always across the street, or in another part of the store, or several pews away in church. Once, she had awkwardly given him a "good day, Sir," as they accidently locked eyes at her father's store. She always thought it was odd that she did not particularly miss him and had no regrets about the dissolution of their courtship, yet purposely avoided asking about him. _If he has a new sweetheart, I would rather not know about it._ She had admitted to Elizabeth some time ago, and the two of them could not figure out an explanation for this feeling.

Concern for William aside, she was half-hoping for a similar note to be hung on the door to Joseph's office. But, it was wide open presumably to let in the late summer air. Letting William stand in front of her, she rapped lightly on the doorframe to get the attention of the two men inside, butterflies swirling in her stomach.

Joseph looked up, surprise briefly passing through his face as his eyes flicked from her to William. He stood up and beckoned to the two of them to come in. "Miss Merriman, please come in. What has happened here?" He knelt in front of William and took the cloth away to examine the cut.

"You won't hear it from him, but it was a friendly schoolyard brawl." Felicity said dryly. She turned her attention to the other man in the room. "Good day, Mr. Galt." She acknowledged. "We were hoping to stop by your office. It is rather close to the college." Mr. Galt smiled genially at her. "Good day to you too, Miss Merriman. Dr. Stevens had requested a few items from my shop, so I brought them over at a slow moment."

"He has also been giving me a few lessons on bandaging." Joseph said, who had led William to sit on a low table and was preparing to clean the boy's cut.

"Hm." Felicity said, shifting her weight from one foot to the other. A small desktop clock caught her eye, and she was a little alarmed to see that it was already 4:15. She wondered if mother had returned yet. "If I may, perhaps I could go and finish a few errands for our mother. I'll return for William in a half hour." She knew that her desire not to stay was obvious.

William spoke up. "Lissie, would you please stay? I'll tell mother what has happened." There was an edge of nervousness to his voice, making him sound younger than his twelve years.

"It won't take long, Miss Merriman. Just a few small stiches." Joseph said, not looking up.

Felicity sighed and sat down on the familiar chair, one that she had sat upon many times in the past as she waited for Joseph to finish with a visit. She looked towards the small table on her left and shuffled through the array of newsletters that Joseph had set out for visitors to read. "Dr. Stevens, these are quite out of date." She informed him.

"Oh?" Joseph was busy cleaning out William's cut, and did not look up. "You know that is my tradition, and I've explained to you why."

 _Oh, right_. Felicity remembered that Joseph only set out old newsletters. He did not want to risk startling visitors with recent news that they may not have yet heard, which was often alarming while the war was raging.

"You never listened to me." Joseph said, a small smile playing over his lips. Felicity scoffed, recognizing the line that she often gave to him.

Joseph spoke to William. "I'm now ready to start the stitching. I won't lie to you, William, it will hurt a little. But if you hold still, I should be able to finish quickly. Okay?"

"Uh-huh." William nodded. His expression was stoic, but Felicity saw that his face was paled. She watched as Joseph prepared a needle, and winced as he stuck it into William's forehead. The boy inhaled sharply and balled his fists, but did not move otherwise. Felicity spoke up, hoping to encourage him. "Just take some deep breaths."

"The first stitch is the hardest." Mr. Galt added, "You will become accustomed to it, and it won't hurt as badly."

"Just stop talking. All of you. _Please_." William said through gritted teeth.

Felicity grinned apologetically, and she caught Joseph's eye. He smiled back at her, then turned to wipe blood away as she felt her face flush with awkwardness.

William inhaled sharply again as Joseph starting setting another line of stitches, and Felicity bit her lip to keep from speaking more words of encouragement. Silence hung heavy in the room, until William spoke up, his voice strained. "This didn't seem to bother Ben so much." Felicity blinked, nervousness washing over her at the mention of Ben.

"Ben was in a bad way." Joseph told him calmly. "He had lost quite a bit of blood by the time I got to him, and was considerably weakened by it."

"Lucky him." William muttered.

Silence hung in the air again, and Felicity looked down at her lap, reminded of the panic she felt at seeing Ben's bloodstained clothes hanging in front of the Merriman's home, then the overwhelming relief she felt at hearing that he would survive. She looked up at Joseph and saw that he was still busy with stitching, his expression perfectly stoic. If he had any emotional reaction to the mention of Ben, it was well-hidden. A thought pervaded in Felicity's mind, something that was long left unsaid. She decided that it would be best to speak it.

"Jo-, er, Dr. Stevens, it bothers me that I never thanked you for saving Ben. So, please, forgive the delay in saying this, but, thank you for saving Ben's life." She swallowed, feeling a weight that she never knew existed, lifting off of her chest.

Joseph looked at her, his expression still stoic, but calm. "Think nothing of it, Miss Merriman. I was just doing my job." The corners of his mouth turned up slightly. "And please, you can call me Joseph. There is no need to be so formal."

"Right." Felicity said, smiling slightly in return. "And likewise, you can call me Felicity." _Perhaps now we can start being friendly_. It was a nice thought.

"How fares Ben?" Joseph asked, "I imagine he long since regained his health. Do you know of any lasting effects?"

"He says that he is indeed healthy." Felicity said, thinking of one of Ben's earlier letters in which he made this claim.

"I'm glad to hear it, though I would have liked to see him one last time before he left Williamsburg to get a final account of his overall health." Joseph said, his attention back on William. "I wrote up and submitted my notes on his case to the New England Journal of Medicine."

"It makes sense that your notes are valuable. I imagine that it is not often that people who suffer stab wounds survive." Felicity shuddered.

"Ben was very fortunate." Joseph said dismissively. "If he had been stabbed the smallest distance to the right, there would have been nothing I could have done for him. He would not have survived the night." He did not look up from his work as he said these heavy words.

Felicity said nothing, and again looked down at her lap. She had always avoided dwelling on these thoughts. In her mind, Ben had survived, and everything else was unfathomable. _He promised never to die, remember?_

Joseph's voice cut into her thoughts. "Okay William, I am all done stitching here. You have been a real soldier." Felicity looked up as Joseph placed a hand on the boy's shoulder. "How do you feel?"

"It hurts quite a bit." William said, wincing as he brought a hand up towards the gash, only to think better of it and place it back down on the edge of the table.

Felicity found her voice. "Perhaps this will keep you from brawling." William smirked at her and retorted, "I just need more practice." She shook her head and suppressed a smile, thinking of how Mother would react once the two of them returned home. At once she felt eyes on her, and looked up to see Joseph watching her. She met his glance, taking note that she did not feel any awkwardness or embarrassment as she did upon first arriving to his office, and raised her eyebrows.

Joseph spoke up. "Felicity, I do remember that I promised to lend you one of my books. Are you still keen on this?"

Felicity scanned her memories, and quickly found it. "The book on our muscles? Yes, I would like to still read it. Thank you!" She grinned.

Joseph smiled at her. "Actually, I am looking to get rid of a few books to make room on my shelves. Would you be interested in taking them off my hands? It would be a great kindness to me."

"Beg pardon?" Felicity shook her head and grinned widely. "Is it my birthday? But of course!" She felt a little ashamed to admit it, but the only thing she truly missed about being with Joseph was access to his impressive collection of medical books.

"Somehow, I knew you were just the girl to ask." Joseph nodded to Mr. Galt, who was fixing bandages to William's head, then beckoned for Felicity to follow him into his study. She did so, and he closed the door behind her, leaving it open just a crack. She wasted no time in stepping up to his large bookshelf, scanning the many titles. "Which ones were you looking to get rid of?"

"Actually, I have already pulled them out. They are right here." Felicity turned to see Joseph gesturing to a stack on his desk. She walked over and took a seat in front of his desk, then leaned closer to read the titles.

" _A Treatise on the Operation of Surgery...De Motu Cordis….On the Sacred Disease_ …." She picked up _De_ _Motu Cordis_ and started skimming the pages, recognizing that the book specialized in the descriptions of the human heart. She stopped at a very detailed diagram and marveled at the complexity of the organ, with its numerous compartments and entry/exit points. Taking her finger, she traced the direction of the arrows, imagining blood moving its way through. Her own heart beat slightly faster as she imagined blood pumping through her body through all of its nooks and cranies, finding its way to her fingertips and toes, and then back again. At once, she remembered all of the times she had laid her head on Ben's chest, listening to his own heart beat. Closing her eyes, she allowed herself to briefly remember the warmth of his body, the smell of his hair, and the weight of his arm around her before making an effort to remove him from her thoughts. _I'm so sorry if I've not been thinking about you much, my love. I find it is easier to get by if I am distracted._

"Lissie?" Joseph's voice cut into her thoughts, and she recognized that he had used her nickname.

"I'm sorry; I drifted off for a moment." She looked up at Joseph and forced a smile. "May I take this book?"

"Only that one?" Joseph asked, eyebrows raising. "I thought you would take a few more. Do you want to at least take a look at them?"

Felicity glanced at the other titles. She admitted to herself that she had a morbid curiosity in surgery, but felt she was not quite prepared to read in detail about it. Still, for some reason, she tried to think of an excuse as to not seem weak in front of Joseph.

"I cannot carry them all! You forget, I still have a few more errands to run. Perhaps I can come back for them at a later date?" She hoped that he did not think she had an ulterior motive with her last question.

"Yes, but of course." Joseph smiled back at her, then looked down at her selection. He held out his hand to take it, and Felicity offered it to him. "Are you sure you are ready to part with it?" She asked.

"I am." Joseph said, as he examined the same diagram that Felicity had studied. A moment later, he looked up at her, a sense of uncertainty in his blue eyes. Felicity felt a twinge of nervousness at his sudden change in demeanor, and remembered that Joseph had left the door open but a crack.

Joseph spoke. "Felicity…I…," he paused briefly as if he was thinking of the proper words, then started again, "Felicity there is something that I want to say to you. I've wanted to say it for awhile now, but I could never get an audience with you. Now I must as the opportunity has presented itself."

Butterflies swirled in Felicity's stomach, and she had to remind herself that Joseph was harmless. "And what is that?" She asked, being careful to keep her voice even.

Joseph looked downwards briefly as he folded his hands, then looked up at her again. "I'm sure this is going to sound completely baffling to you, but, I wanted to apologize."

"Pardon?" Felicity asked, indeed baffled.

Joseph ran a hand through his hair. "I've done a lot of thinking in the past few months, and I've come to the conclusion that I owe you an apology. You were right. I didn't always treat you the way that a man should ideally treat his girl. I tried to change the person you were, and I was wrong."

Felicity shook her head, confused. "You want to apologize to me?" It had been pounded through her head so many times that she was in the wrong, that she had committed the more grievous sin by cavorting with Ben that she had completely forgotten about her original frustrations with Joseph.

"Will you accept my apology?" Joseph asked, his eyes still locked with hers.

"Yes, if you wish to offer it." Felicity said, still trying to make sense of his words. "But I know that I what I did was much worse by comparison. You know, with Ben."

Joseph shrugged and grinned at her. "Yes, of course and I won't forget it. But I am just apologizing for blaming all of our relationship woes on your behavior. You were not the only one at fault."

"Hm." Felicity said. It was on the tip of her tongue to apologize in kind, but held her tongue, still feeling slightly wary of Joseph's apology. She looked at him, at the sincerity written in his eyes, and allowed herself to relax. _Joseph has always had a good heart. You should keep him close. There is too much history between the two of you for him to become a stranger_. She spoke up. "I regret that we have become strangers this past year. I would like to try being friends, if that is okay with you." She made sure to explicitly state an offer of friendship, so that Joseph did not get the wrong idea about her olive branch.

"That sounds well and good to me." Joseph said, smiling. He offered his hand, and Felicity smiled and shook it as if she too were a gentleman. He closed the book and slid it towards her. "Make sure you read this thoroughly. I would like to discuss your findings when you return for the rest of the volumes."

Felicity laughed. "What am I, your apprentice?" She teased.

"Not at all." Joseph said earnestly. "You are a creature of remarkable intelligence, and I regret that I did not fully take advantage of it while we were together."

Felicity found herself blushing at the compliment, which came so rarely while the two of them were together. "I don't know why you waited so long to compliment me in this way." Her sense of confusion was back. Something was a little different, perhaps a little off with Joseph. Was it just her imagination? Or did he seem a little _too_ complimentary, too sincere?

"Well, now I know not to make that misstep. It has been a valuable lesson." Joseph said.

Perhaps Joseph was just truly being open with her, and she should do the same in kind. If they were indeed going to be friends, she would need to meet him halfway. So, Felicity decided to let her guard down. "There is something I'd like to tell you. Perhaps I'm completely daft, or failing to take responsibility, but hear me out."

"Go ahead." Joseph nodded, a serious look upon his face.

Felicity studied her hands, thinking of the best way to explain herself. "Well," she began, "I have had a few rather severe conversations with my mother about my overall behavior. She and my father have found a pattern with me, one that I fear I cannot shake, and that I have tried to find an explanation for." She looked at Joseph to make sure he was still paying attention, then continued. "They pointed out in so many words how impatient, impulsive, and tomboyish I was as a child. Just not a good daughter at all." Joseph opened his mouth to speak, but Felicity held up her hand. She continued, "My father told me that as I became older, I slowed down, minded my manners and my chores, and gained a new sense of maturity." She paused briefly, hoping that she was explaining herself well. "Then, according to my parents, around the time I turned seventeen years old, I seemed to regress into my old, wicked ways. You know of what I am speaking, right?" She looked at him.

Joseph nodded slowly, as if he was thinking something over. "Lissie, does this have something to do with me?" He frowned slightly.

Felicity shrugged. "Please don't misunderstand me. I am not angry at you, or blaming you for anything, but perhaps every time you lectured me about something I said wrong, or an odd manner that I had, or my lack of shoes, or singing bawdy songs, it just made me want to shout more, wear less clothing, and find more explicit songs to sing. Perhaps I was lashing out at your reprimands."

"Hm." Joseph said. "I feel like this is my cue to apologize again, but I don't know what it would be for. Am I supposed to learn a lesson in this?" He raised an eyebrow.

"Just a bit of helpful advice for when you move on." Felicity said, feeling a bit of satisfaction at finally being able to make her point. "Don't presume you must correct the behavior of your future sweethearts. It can only lead to ill feeling."

"I'll have to keep that piece of wisdom in mind." Joseph said, and Felicity caught a hint of sarcasm in his voice. "You do know that you are beating a dead horse, right? I literally just apologized for that very thing." He leaned forward slightly. "May I ask you something of a rather personal nature?"

Felicity figured there was no point in holding back now. "Go on." She said, looking at him expectantly.

"'Tis but a simple question." Joseph said, then gave her a serious look. "Do you share these behaviors with Davidson?"

"Why, yes." Felicity said.

"And what does he say about you?" Joseph asked, in a casual manner that seemed almost slightly arrogant.

At these words, a voice rang out in Felicity's mind. _Fool, fool, fool girl, remember that he is your former sweetheart, and he excels in making others feel comfortable as to make them share their secrets! You've fallen for it yet again._ Yet, she forced herself to look boldly at Joseph. "He says that he loves me just the way I am." She knew there was a defensive edge to her statement.

There was a heavy, awkward pause before Joseph exclaimed, "Good then! You should be with someone who truly loves the person you are." He gave her an odd smile, looking as though he was trying not to laugh.

"As should you." Felicity replied, acknowledging the slight mocking edge to Joseph's demeanor. She stood up and addressed him in an equally mocking manner. "Thank you Dr. Stevens for the book, and for patching up my brother. Did you want to see him again sometime in the next few days?"

Joseph stood up as well, and Felicity noticed that he had the audacity to look amused. "Lissie wait, please forgive me, I didn't mean to-"

"Please don't call me by such an affectionate name." Felicity interrupted him, anger now coursing through her veins. She imagined her heart pumping it through her body. _Foolish, foolish girl. You should have kept your guard up. He is not your friend. He has been poking fun at you in his oh so subtle way_. "You will receive payment tomorrow." She turned around, and that is when she saw it.

Joseph had a beautiful embroidery hung by the door, right at his line of sight as he sat at his desk. It depicted a human heart; not like the cold, scientific diagrams that were in the book, nor was it reminiscent of the actual, visceral organ. The embroidered heart seemed to be bursting with color and light. Flower blossoms sprung from each of the major vessels, making it seem the very picture of life incarnate. All at once, she felt her own heart, and Ben's heart beat together.

Felicity's breath caught as she studied the embroidery. She knew there was only one person capable of creating such a fine piece, and her eyes darted to the corner.

Plain as day, were the embroidered initials _E.C._

She found her voice. "I wasn't aware that Elizabeth Cole had started selling her work." There had been many times in which Felicity had tried to convince her friend to do so, but Elizabeth had always refused, still nitpicking over mistakes in her work that only she saw.

Joseph looked at the piece fondly. "I didn't buy it. It was a birthday gift."

Felicity stared. Why would Elizabeth give Joseph a birthday gift such as this? They were only acquaintances on account of him being Felicity's beau….

"She is really an incredible, lovely girl." Joseph said, still admiring the embroidery.

"You and Elizabeth?" Asked Felicity incredulously. "Why…why that is preposterous! She would never go for you! In fact, she wishes to wait on courtships and the like, until she feels she is ready!" All at once, she realized she had been grossly mislead.

"Is that what she told you?" Joseph asked. "The poor girl has been incredibly stressed out, trying to hide and cover her tracks. I'm sure I'll get an earful for outing us, but I think it is the healthy thing to do." He looked quite pleased with himself. A flush rose in Felicity's cheeks as she scanned her memories, trying to pick out something, anything that would hint that Elizabeth was keeping this secret. Nothing came up, except Elizabeth's insistence on avoiding the subject of courtship.

 _Perhaps she did not want to talk about it because she was afraid of revealing herself._

Joseph's voice interrupted her thoughts. "Compared to you, she is just so…so easy to be with. It is hard to explain. I feel like everything with you was a struggle. It was always a struggle to get time with you, a struggle to get you to have a normal conversation without arguing with me, Hell, it was even a struggle to _find_ you most of the time! But now that we have had this conversation, I feel like I can put our past behind us. I have apologized for my efforts in trying to make you the perfect girl for me, and found that you offer no such apology for bringing Davidson into this mess. But…" He paused for no reason but for effect, "It seems like Davidson is quite the glutton for punishment. I'm sure he has been more than happy to take on the struggle that is Felicity Merriman. Tell me, Felicity, how is he? Is he struggling?" He kept an oddly even tone as he said these things. "Since you found it wise to give advice to me, allow me to give some advice to you." He did not wait for her to answer. "Take some responsibility for your actions. I did not make you do all of those so-called wicked behaviors that are so irritating to your parents. You did them, all on your own. Don't throw around blame at others so wantonly."

"I…" Felicity said, trying to find the right words. "I see that even now, you mean to insult me! I do not need to occupy the same space as you any more!" She knew she was sputtering, and the only way to keep her dignity intact was to collect William and head home as soon as possible.

"Wait, just one more thing, Felicity." Joseph said, his voice still irritatingly calm. "Please don't think ill of Elizabeth for this. She has really agonized about how things turned out, and fears that she has betrayed you in some way. You are really lucky to have a friend such as her." He swung the door open and continued talking, "Really though, I'm not sure why you would be angry. After all, we found each other long after you and I called it off. It is not like we came together while I was still with you. Now, that would be a grievous sin, wouldn't it?" He gave her a pointed look, then gestured toward his sitting area where William was waiting.

Felicity's mind had gone numb as she tried to process the conversation that had just taken place, but seeing William sitting there with bandages wrapped around her head brought her back to Earth. She forced calm upon herself and addressed him with an equally forced smile. "Are you ready to go and face mother?"

"Are you?" William asked her, a smirk upon his face. "Are you sure you do not want to stop for the things that you told mother you would pick up?"

Felicity barely registered William's reply, as all she wanted to do was to go home, lie on her bed, and read Ben's letters. In fact, she realized that she owed him one. Perhaps she would write it tonight. In the back of her mind she heard William bid Joseph and Mr. Galt farewell, and then found herself walking home as if she were drifting through a dream.

 _What about Elizabeth?_

 _If she is truly my friend, she will come to me._

 _Why did I not know this was happening?_

 _Am I really a struggle to be with?_

Dimly, she heard her mother chastising her, and realized they had returned home. "Lissie, I gave you four simple tasks. You have returned with but jar of preserves and a maimed brother. Oh, and somewhere along the way you picked up a book for yourself. I see that you are only thinking of the important things in your life!"

"I'm sorry." Felicity replied dully, tuning out the remainder of what her mother had to say. Finally, she was able to make her way up to her room, where she made an effort to clear her mind. She sat down at her desk, and pulled out a fresh piece of parchment and dipped a quill into the ink.

 _September 12_ _th_ _, 1782_

 _Dearest Ben,_

 _Today was simply awful, and has left me in a low mood. I received your letter and read it with a hope for some news that might bring us together again, but I saw none. Then, mother gave me a list of errands to run, and I botched them all. I don't know what else she expected, however. She already fixates on all of my problems and mistakes._

 _It turns out that William was injured in a small scuffle with other boys. It was nothing terrible, but I needed to take him to Dr. Stevens to be treated. I had the strangest conversation with the Doctor, in which he apologized but did not seem to mean it. He then revealed that he was in some sort of a relationship with Elizabeth, and told me in so many ways how difficult I was, and how much of a struggle it was to be with me. I am completely blindsided at the news that he is with Elizabeth, and I look to having a conversation with her to confirm this. A part of me does not believe it, but why on Earth would he tell me such a story?_

 _Oh Ben, is it really so difficult to be with me? Do you feel like you are struggling? Perhaps it would have been better off for you if you were never to confess your feelings to me. You would have been able to finish your apprenticeship, have time to set up your own business, then find a girl who is simple and kind to be with. But, you saw fit to be with me. Tell me my dear, am I still worth it? Is there any truth to Joseph's words?_

 _With all of my love, in any way that I am capable to giving it,_

 _Your Felicity_

Felicity re-read the letter, and cringed at its rambling, disjointed tone. _Foolish, foolish girl, what man wants to hear about his sweetheart's former beau? I cannot send this._

She folded the letter up and shoved it into her drawer, and made a promise to herself that she would write a different letter tomorrow.

….

 **Author's Notes:**

1) I typically try to get an equal representation of Felicity and Ben, but this chapter and the next will be heavily Felicity-centric. Just imagine that Ben is sitting at his desk, coping inventory lists while he thinks of Felicity.

2) "The first rule of…." Is an obvious Fight Club reference

3) I like to use a lot of foreshadowing in this story to hint at things to come, but I did avoid it with Joseph's revelation at the end of the story. I wanted to really capture Felicity's blindsided feeling, so I am sorry if it seems sudden or very OOC. Felicity herself is wondering if it is true!

4) In the next chapter, Ben gets some new tasks, and Felicity and Elizabeth have a conversation. A reunion is in the works, and the next chapter I'll start setting up the pieces for this to happen!


	14. Chapter 14

Felicity stared dully down at her mug of coffee and watched the patterns of the milk swirl around, reflecting on how numb she felt, yet her heart pounded all the same. She inhaled deeply to try and bring herself to the present, feeling exasperation at how often she found herself in this state. _Why am I so worked up these days?_

The tension in the air was palpable as she sat in the parlor of the Coles' home. It had been nearly a week since Felicity had spoken to Joseph, when he had revealed that he and Elizabeth were involved in some way. Joseph hadn't said that it was an official courtship, but Felicity knew full well by now that such official labels often meant little in the face of emotions.

The week in between learning this secret, and sitting in the Coles' parlor had not been great for Felicity. Her mind dwelled heavily on the thought that her best friend and her former beau were not only now together, but also had been for some time in secret. According to Joseph, Elizabeth felt incredible guilt, as though she had betrayed Felicity in some way. _But, it wasn't a true betrayal, was it? I had cast off Joseph completely_. She had tried to press the thought that she should be just fine with this, since she had no ill will towards the man, but a strange, dull ache had permeated her chest, and would not let up.

Then, there was Joseph's other message to her, the one in which he claimed that she had been such a struggle to be with. He expressed that he hadn't seen it until now, not until he had sweet, mild-mannered Elizabeth to compare her to. It was odd, really. If Joseph had screamed these statements at her in fury she would have laughed and let them roll off of her like drops of water on a bird's feathers, yet, the fact that he had said these things calmly, as if he was conversing with her, this is what caused them to pierce her in such a way.

"Lissie? Are you quite alright?" Elizabeth interrupted her thoughts. Felicity looked up and forced a pleasant smile. "Quite, yes." She replied, and Elizabeth smiled back in a similar, forced way.

Another awkward pause followed, and Felicity wondered if Elizabeth was planning on coming clean. She knew her friend had always been rather non-confrontational, so she was surprised when after a week of silence, Elizabeth had invited her over for coffee. She figured that this had to be it, that Elizabeth would confess that she had been seeing Joseph in secret. Or…perhaps not. Perhaps it was all a ruse by Joseph to rattle her.

 _But why would he presume it would rattle me? We are not together, and I do not miss him._

Elizabeth cleared her throat, forcing Felicity back into the external world. "Have you heard from Ben recently? How is he doing?" She asked pleasantly.

"Oh yes." Felicity said, "I received a letter from him a week ago. He is doing fine, and misses me terribly." She kept her words completely generic, not wanting to share her growing frustration with their extended separation.

"Hm, well, that is lovely to hear." Elizabeth said, still smiling mildly.

Felicity wanted to scream, but had to settle for a deep exhale through her nose. _Out with it, girl! Just say it!_ She put the cup up to her lips as if to prevent her from speaking out. Elizabeth sat in silence across from her, which was incredibly uncharacteristic when the two of them were together.

 _Either I stand up and be on my way, or I force her to confess. It would be better manners to just excuse myself, but then I would just go back to wondering about the two of them. Something needs to be said._

 _I could just ask. It would be so easy. There is no need to be so dramatic. Just ask._

 _No. I want her to confess it without being prompted. She owes this to me, and to our friendship._

Felicity forced a sigh, tracing her finger around the rim of the cup. Elizabeth seemed to take the bait. "Lissie, what is wrong?" She asked, and Felicity saw apprehension in her eyes.

"In Ben's absence, I've just had a lot of time to think about him, me, Joseph, and everything else." Felicity made sure to heave another sigh.

"Oh?" Elizabeth asked, curiosity now in her eyes. "Would you care to elaborate?"

"I just…I just now realize how much time I wasted with Joseph. I remember when he first told me he was interested in me. He was so sweet, so attentive. He made sure I was the best girl; that there was no one better." Felicity pressed her lips together, making sure she did not sound too dramatic, lest Elizabeth would catch on to her true aim. She continued, "It is like your sister says; men are like shape shifters. They pretend to be something they are not, and when you are drawn in to them, fully committed, they turn on you. It is not all of the sudden, but little by little which is much more insidious. Soon, they are doing nothing but criticizing you!"

Elizabeth frowned slightly. "Not all men are like that, Lissie." She thought for a moment before a concerned look crossed over her face. "Do you think Ben will turn on you? Is that what you are getting at?"

"No, no," Felicity said quickly, then put on a smile. "Ben isn't like that. I've known him for years, and he has been nothing but a true friend and companion to me, even before we were involved." This was a bit of a lie; Felicity knew very well that she and Ben had a fair share of arguments through the years.

Elizabeth raised an eyebrow. "So…your complaints are based off of the actions of only one man?"

Felicity knew that she was starting to sound petulant, but figured that Elizabeth would crack eventually. She would just have to keep at it. Either way, it did feel good to speak ill of Joseph after the way he spoke to her a week ago. She lifted her chin. "Perhaps if that one man acts badly enough, that is all it takes."

Elizabeth sighed. "Lissie, this is very tedious. You were with Joseph for what, a year? And it has been nearly a year since you called it off with him. Why now are you digging into him in such a way?"

Felicity shrugged and put on a wistful look. "I don't know the answer to that." She lied, "I suppose I've just been dwelling on it lately."

Elizabeth pressed her lips together. "If he behaved so poorly to you, I doubt you would have stayed with him for a year."

"This is exactly the point I'm trying to make!" Felicity exclaimed, balling her fists. "His behavior is so insidious; it starts off slowly, and I didn't realize it. A sheep in wolf's clothing is a hundred times worse than a wolf who does not hide who he is! He is simply awful, awful…" She trailed off and was surprised to find herself blinking back real tears as she thought about how he had insulted and gotten the best of her without so much as raising his voice. _Am I cracking up?_

"Come now, Lissie." Elizabeth said gently. "Joseph is but a man. He is not perfect, but he is kind and good."

This admission wasn't quite what Felicity was looking for, but she could hold back no longer. She stared at Elizabeth for a good long moment, before speaking again. "You take his side because you are with him now." She kept her voice and expression completely flat.

Elizabeth's expression paled, and she opened her mouth, thought better of it, and closed it again. She looked away from Felicity and closed her eyes.

"Do you deny it? Are you not with him?" Felicity challenged, pleased to have the upper hand back.

Elizabeth looked up, a mix of guilt and panic on her face. "Lissie I…I don't know what to tell you." Her eyes welled with tears.

"You had to know that I knew." Felicity admonished her. "After all, why did you invite me over after a week of silence?"

Elizabeth took a deep breath as if she was mustering up her courage, then looked Felicity in the eye. "I invite you over quite often, as friends do."

Felicity scoffed. "Really now Elizabeth? So you decided to invite me over just so you could stare at me and make awkward attempts at small talk?"

Elizabeth looked down at her coffee and was silent for a moment before speaking again. "I admit it is true. I had every intention of telling you today. Joseph told me that you knew; I imagine he was getting a little frustrated at me wishing to keep it a secret." She finally looked up at Felicity, her blue eyes full of remorse.

 _So it is true._ Felicity thought, the idea of it sitting in her chest like cannon shot. She thought about asking for how long, but knew in an instant that she would rather not know. A line Joseph gave to her some time ago rang through her head, and she instantly understood when he said when he had told her that he was washing his hands of both her and Ben. _I could walk out of here, be done with both of them._ She didn't stop there as a second, continuing thought crossed her mind. _I could just go to Yorktown to be with Ben, and everything would be okay._

 _No. Ben told me not to come. At least, not yet_. Her gut twisted unpleasantly at this thought.

"Lissie?" Elizabeth asked tentatively. "I am so sorry if I had hurt you. I understand if you are angry with me and do not wish to speak to me here on out."

Felicity brought her eyes up to meet Elizabeth's. _I have to stay here, and deal with my problems. I have to show that I am a better person._

Elizabeth spoke again. "Lissie, I hope that in time you forgive me. You are my dearest friend in this world, and I feel completely wretched for what has happened. I…" Felicity cut her off, "Elizabeth, stop. I'm okay. Really." She gave the other girl a small smile.

 _I've decided I will be okay with this._ She hoped that this was a true statement.

"Lissie?" Elizabeth asked, a slight, confused frown on her face. "So you are not cross with me?"

"No, no I am not angry. You are right. We have been friends for too many years. I just…I just hope that you heed my warnings about him." Saying these words was making the feeling in Felicity's gut untwist itself, and a lightness settled over her. _Elizabeth deserves to be happy, and what kind of friend would I be if I kept it from her?_

"Right." Elizabeth nodded, her face showing surprise, but happiness.

 _Then again, he told me how much better you are than I, so perhaps he might be good to you._ Felicity's gut twisted again at this thought, making her feel a little ill. "I think…I think I might need to be on my way." She stood up.

"Lissie?" Elizabeth also stood up, and for a fleeting moment Felicity felt the urge to forbid her from calling her by her nickname. "Are you sure that you are not angry with me?" She asked, her eyes searching Felicity's face for any uncertainty.

Felicity took a deep breath. "I wish you would have told me earlier, but I have no other reason to be angry. Joseph and I have not been together for a great long while, and I do not regret calling it off with him." She looked directly at Elizabeth, and hoped her eyes did not betray any involuntary feelings of anger.

 _I have decided to be alright with this._

"Lissie, thank you. You are a true friend to me. I don't deserve you!" Elizabeth shook her head and looked at her feet, then looked back up at Felicity.

 _I should smile, because I have decided to be alright with this._

Felicity forced a smile, then gestured towards the door awkwardly. "It is I that does not deserve you." She said mildly. "Thank you so much for the invitation and the coffee." She let Elizabeth follow her to the door.

"Yes, of course!" Elizabeth grinned, a flush covering her lovely cheeks. Felicity noted that she had not seen her friend look so giddy as far back she could remember. _It must be a huge weight off of her shoulders to not keep such a secret,_ thought Felicity, as she walked away from the Coles' property and towards her own home.

As she walked through the streets, she noticed that the fall foliage was starting to come in as the golden colors of the leaves shown visibly near the crowns of the trees. The first signs of Autumn had always set a thrill down her spine as it was her favorite time of year. She waited for that familiar sensation to occur, yet, there was nothing. She sighed, not particularly surprised. Her separation from Ben seemed to have removed much of the lightness from her life, and now with the news that Elizabeth and Joseph were together had seemed to put a dark shadow over everything, and hearing the truth of it from Elizabeth had not made anything better. There was a part of her that wanted to know all of the details, such as _do Elizabeth's mother and father know? Does Annabelle know? Do the other ladies in our social circle know? Did everyone know except for me?_ She realized then that it didn't matter, she was better off not knowing the details. It seemed almost as if they were siphoning happiness from her just by existing.

A cool breeze blew through the streets as Felicity noticed a few dark clouds rolling in. _It fits my mood,_ she thought, feeling a similar dark cloud in her mind. On the right side of the street, two middle-aged men roared with grating laughter. On her left side, three children ran shrieking down the street, making her flinch at their shrill voices. She continued walking, forcing herself to pay no mind to the noisy streets.

 _Stop this, right now!_

 _Elizabeth is happy, so I should be happy for her._

 _Joseph is happy, but this is completely irreverent._

 _I am not happy._

 _Ben is not happy._

 _None of this is any good._

Her mind drifted back to the letter she had written Ben the previous week, just after Joseph had told her that he and Elizabeth were together. She had thought it best to not mention what she had just learned, and instead focused on how much she missed him. She knew that he had enough emotional problems with his dead-end job; he didn't need hers. She figured that the shock of the news would pass in time, because after all, she no longer had feelings for Joseph. So there was no need to mention it. And yet, a week later, her ill will and anger stayed with her.

Felicity yelped in surprise as she stepped into a small divot in the road, pain lancing up to her knee as her ankle twisted. She looked around herself and saw that no one had paid her any mind, then cursed under her breath as she tested her weight on it. It held just fine, so she limped over to a nearby bench and sat down to wait for her ankle to calm down before she continued home. The throbbing pain thankfully seemed to shock her mind away from Joseph and Elizabeth, and back to herself. And, oddly enough, the sharp pain of it almost felt _good_. She leaned over and massaged her ankle, waiting for the pain to subside a little before continuing home.

As she sat, an unexpected voice went through her head.

 _"On your feet, Soldier."_ She heard Ben's voice loud and clear, sending a pleasant warmth to her chest. His voice took her back to nearly two years ago, not long after Ben had returned to Williamsburg to resume his apprenticeship. She had been working alongside Ben at the store, the two of them at some kind of awkward impasse since his arrival, not yet knowing how to resume the easy friendship they had shared years prior. On that particular day, Felicity had gotten into a rather unpleasant conversation with Mrs. Wentworth over her presence at the store, in which the older woman had cheerily talked about how her days left working at the store were limited, as she would soon be wed to her physician beau and would live the life of a respectable housewife.

 _A depression set over Felicity as she realized that Mrs. Wentworth was right. It would only be a matter of time before she would no longer be able to work at her father's store as a woman of marriageable age. She pressed her back to the wall behind the counter, letting her knees relax so that she slid down the wall until she was seated on the floor. There, she hugged her knees into her chest as she thought about, really thought about impending adulthood at what it meant for her._

 _Footsteps approached, and Felicity looked up from her position on the floor to see Ben. He looked down at her, a quizzical expression on his normally stoic face. Since he had returned, he had been rather quiet and withdrawn, not at all unlike how he had been when he had first arrived to stay with the Merrimans in the fall of 1774. While it was true that she had rushed to visit him at his parents' home in Yorktown after he had returned from the war, the closeness they had shared had been fleeting and was all but forgotten as he returned to Williamsburg some months later. It had gone unspoken, but Felicity knew that Joseph had to be a major part in it._

 _As he looked at her, Felicity realized that she simply had no patience to sort out his quiet indifference at this moment, and turned away from him, putting her forehead to her knees as her thoughts went back to Mrs. Wentworth's words. A moment later, she heard his footsteps approach her, and sensed him kneeling down next to her._

 _"Hey," he finally spoke, putting a hand on her arm. "Lissie?" Her heart had lurched at his touch; which had been absent for so long. She turned her head to the side to face Ben, seeing his brows knitted in concern. He spoke again. "Lissie, are you feeling alright?'_

 _Felicity shrugged, making her head bob. "Did you hear any of the conversation between Mrs. Wentworth and I?" she asked._

 _I admit I was eavesdropping." Ben didn't look the least bit ashamed. "Did her words bother you?"_

 _"Clearly they did." Felicity sighed and put her forehead back down onto her forearms. "She meant well, but I….I don't really know. Impending adulthood, and all of that." The last statement was muffled as she pressed her face against her forearms, but she was certain Ben had understood her._

 _"You are overwhelmed." Ben said calmly. Felicity took a deep breath and hugged her knees to her chest, then looked up at Ben. He was kneeling in front of her, an expression of curiosity and concern in his face._

 _"Did you hear how happy she sounded?" Felicity asked bitterly. "I wonder if she realized that working in the store is one of my favorite things to do."_

 _"She likely sees it as soon you will be joining the ranks of the Respectable Housewives Guild of Williamsburg. One of us! One of us!" Joked Ben. This was one of the first lighthearted statements he had uttered in the three weeks that he had been back in Williamsburg, yet Felicity didn't find it the least bit funny. She forced a thin smile, which Ben seemed to notice immediately. "Hey." He repeated, putting his hands on her shoulders. "The future is coming, but not as quickly as you have been suddenly led to think. You are in command of your own life, and no one can make you do anything you do not wish. Do you hear me, Felicity Merriman?" She gazed into this eyes, and the warmth emanating from them lessened the tightness in her chest._

 _"Aye." Felicity said, allowing a small smile. Ben grinned back at her. "Good." He said, standing up, then holding his hands out. She took his hands and allowed him to haul her back to her feet. "On your feet, Soldier, as my commanding officer would say."_

Felicity let his words echo through her mind for a moment more, before closing them off. She missed Ben, really missed him. She wanted to take his hands, run her fingers through his chestnut colored hair, see his handsome smile. He never failed to lift her spirits, even as he had been trying to keep a distance from her back in those early days as he did not know how to reconcile her and Joseph being together. There had been many times in which she had revisited that particular memory, and had eventually realized that Ben had easily seen through her inadequate explanation of why exactly she had been so upset at Mrs. Wentworth's words. Ben knew her, and he understood her.

 _I need him back._

Another aspect of the memory suddenly popped into her mind, making her almost laugh bitterly. To not be able to work in her father's store had sounded unimaginable, yet, here she was, disallowed to work there for the better part of a year. _And I can see how that is going for me_. She thought bitterly.

 _Enough of this self pity. You need to stand up, and do something._

 _On your feet, Soldier!_

She stood up, and eyed her father's store a block away. After she and Ben had been discovered, her father had told her that it was for her own good that she not work for the time being. "It will help you to clear your mind and reflect over your life." Her mother had said, in what seemed to be a cruel mockery masquerading as good advice. That was now almost a year ago. Surely, her punishment was not going to last forever. That, and there was the added bonus of the thought of earning a wage once again. Perhaps she could use it for transport to Yorktown so that she may see Ben…..

Before she knew it, she was back on her feet, walking towards the store. The pain in her ankle was still present, but her determination helped lessen it so that only a mild limp was necessary. A small bout of nervousness echoed through her body as she walked up the stairs, but she immediately quenched it, replacing it with the steely reserve she had summoned just a few minutes prior.

A quick survey showed that Nan was working at the counter, while William was off helping customers. Father was nowhere to be seen. Seeing that William was busy, she turned her attention towards Nan, who addressed her before she could say anything. "To what do I owe the pleasure, sister? What has Mother sent you to fetch?" she drawled.

Felicity's mouth twitched, for the dual reasons of being considered as Mother's errand mule, and seeing Nan clearly bored in the role that she had once proudly held. "Mother has not sent me. I came to ask a question of Father. Is he here?"

"Counting room." Nan replied, resting her chin in her palm.

Felicity headed into the back, then paused and rapped lightly on the doorframe. Edward Merriman looked up from his ledger, and gave Felicity a smile. "Lissie." He acknowledged her. "What can I do for you? Has Martha sent you?"

Felicity blew out a breath through her nose at the continued assumption that her main purpose was to run errands for mother. She then forced a stoic expression. "Actually, Father, I had a question for you."

"Oh?" Edward said, his eyebrows raising. "Ask away."

Felicity forced a bout of nervousness back. "I was wondering if I could come back and work in the store, like Nan and William." Her father frowned a little, and Felicity waited for what felt like an eternity before he responded.

"Felicity," he said slowly, "I have near enough help with Nan and William here. Did you speak with your mother about this?"

"No," admitted Felicity. "But I was thinking I could relieve Nan. She clearly does not enjoy working here. What do the customers think of her?" It had not been her intention to throw Nan under a proverbial carriage, but if she was standing in the way of working in the store again….

Edward looked at her, keeping his expression stoic. "Nan does very well with the customers, and I aim to keep her here so that she too may learn how to work in and possibly run a store, as I have taught you and continue to teach William."

"Father, please! I've been feeling quite low the last few weeks, and I think keeping myself busy in this way will help me a great deal." The desperation that Felicity felt bled into her words.

An apologetic expression crossed over her father's face. "Lissie," he said gently, "I can tell you have been struggling as of late." _Struggling. There is that word again. I struggle, therefore I am._ She thought, as her father continued speaking. "I wish that…I would rather you speak with your mother about this. She has been working to keep you occupied with various tasks for the time being."

A brief, unpleasant thought flashed through Felicity's mind. _This is all mother's idea_. _So you will not stand up to her for me? Coward!_ Followed by an intense feeling of shame for thinking this about her own father. Tears began to burn her eyes, as she felt the humiliation of rejection. "So your answer is no?" She asked, holding out one last, final hope.

"Lissie." Her father looked at her sadly. "I'm afraid my hands are tied. Why don't you speak with your mother about this?"

 _Mother has no interest in relieving me of my punishment._ Felicity thought, and gave a brusque nod. Without waiting for an answer, she turned and walked briskly out of the counting room, heading straight for the front door. "Lissie!", a voice called out, and she stopped and turned her head. Nan was standing in front of the counter, arms crossed at her chest and a glare on her face. "I overheard you trying to get me fired." She pointed a finger at Felicity. "Know that my position here is safe. Mother is so continuously displeased with you, that she will never allow you to work here. Not now, not ever," she spat, and narrowed her eyes at Felicity.

On another day, Felicity would have apologized, but on this day, she saw fit to give the younger girl a nasty look and put her hands on her hips. "Really now, it's only a matter of time before you find yourself in the same position as I." A flush rose in her face, matching her rising temper.

Nan snorted. "Do I look like the type of girl to carry on secret affairs right under Mother and Father's nose? No," she shook her head, "I know I wouldn't have been so stupid as to first of all, commit the crime, and secondly, get caught!"

"Shut your mouth, you arrogant little cow!" said Felicity incredulously, her voice rising. She looked around quickly to make sure there were no customers to overhear before continuing, "You know absolutely nothing!" Out of the corner of her eye she noticed William watching them, and vaguely wondered why father had not come out to separate them.

Nan's face darkened in return, and she tilted her head as if contemplating something. "Come to think of it, there is something that is completely confusing."

Felicity frowned, trying her best not to fall off of her guard. _Remember, this is Nan with whom you are speaking to._ "Gee, what would that be? What vexes you so?" She asked sarcastically.

"Why, the matter of Ben." Nan said simply, once again crossing her arms at her chest. "It has been what, a year? Why hasn't he come back for you? What on Earth could be keeping him?" Felicity's jaw dropped, and Nan continued. "Perhaps he has found someone else?" She nodded sagely. "Yes, that could be it. Be wary of this, sister. It comes with long separations."

Felicity's fist balled, and for one split second, she considered giving Nan a solid strike across her smug face, but was distracted by William stepping forward. Felicity rounded on him. "Did you have something _clever_ to add? _Well_?" She snapped, and William blinked and stepped back, seemingly at a loss for words. She gave the both of them one last glare, then swept out of the store. Her ankle still throbbed slightly, but the pain seemed to compliment her mood in such a way that the overall sensation was almost pleasurable.

 _None of this is any good_ , was all she could think as she limped home, rejected, angry, and humiliated.

…

Ben smiled to himself as he sat down at his desk at home, and cracked open the seal of Felicity's most recent letter. He unfolded the paper, and began to read.

 _September 14_ _th_ _, 1782_

 _Dearest Ben,_

 _I must start off this letter by saying that I miss you terribly. I find that I nothing I do in my life here brings me joy, it is as if I live in a tiny, cramped, dark space where I cannot stretch my limbs, and I find myself shouting, but no one hears me, or gives a care to what I say._

He paused and re-read these words, surprised at the abrupt change in tone from her other recent letters, then continued.

 _Ben, I have had such awful dreams lately, in which you write to me and tell me that you have realized how much it is a struggle to be with me, how difficult I am, how right everyone has been about me, and so on, and so forth. You then tell me that you have moved on to a girl that is much nicer in comparison to me and nicely wish me luck._

 _Tell me, are these dreams true? Is it really such a struggle to be with me? I want to try and do better, Ben, I really do. Please believe me._

 _With my Love,_

 _Felicity_

Ben's heart sank as he re-read the full letter and tried to figure out exactly what triggered such a change in Felicity to have resulted in a letter such as this.

 _My dear, you think you are a struggle? That is exactly what I thought of myself!_

He glanced over at the stack of empty parchment that did not belong to him, and considered penning a hasty letter back to Felicity, but decided against it _. I cannot just be sending her more empty promises. I need to make concrete plans._ He leaned over and unsecured the shoulder bag that rested against his chair, which contained a series of inventory lists and letters that needed translation from Swedish to English. Word had gotten out among the higher-ups of his company that Ben was fluent in the language, and he had be given this extra task as the seemingly never-ending stack of inventory lists suddenly looked as though it might actually end. Ben had wanted to get as much as he could done quickly, so he had taken it home with him in the evening.

As he got to work, his mind drifted back to Felicity and he had to once again resist the urge to write her a letter. He racked his thoughts, trying to figure out what could have happened. The letter had been reminiscent of the letters she had written just after his return to Yorktown, in which she had spoken of the despair she felt at his absence. But, with the help of her good friend Elizabeth and the brightening springtime, she had improved.

He, on the other hand, had started off as optimistic, with great plans for his own future that would certainly lead him back to Williamsburg to ask for her hand in no time. As he felt the pressures of rejection, boredom and later the grinding insecurity, Felicity's letters were full of hope and assurances that she still loved him and was waiting for him. Now, perhaps it was his turn to assure her, as things had been starting to improve with work, albeit slowly.

 _Still,_ he thought, _what could have happened?_ He knew that a very important key to Felicity's contentment was due to her confiding in Elizabeth, was there a falling out between the two girls?

 _Or, could it be continuing issues with her mother?_

 _Or, perhaps,_ Ben flinched at this thought _, it had something to do with Joseph?_ Ben knew that Felicity had to eventually run in to her former beau, since they lived in the same town. He thought that Felicity would do her best to avoid him, as she often did near the end of their relationship. Had Joseph said or done anything?

 _It could be any one of these factors, or, hell, a combination of all of them._

 _Why didn't she tell me more?_

Ben replaced his quill and rubbed his eyes, then propped himself up on his elbows. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Felicity's letter, and on impulse snatched it back up and began reading again.

As he read the letter, a sinking feeling took root in his chest. _This is all my fault. I should have been there for her. I left her with a mess, all alone to defend herself._

 _I am completely useless._ He set the letter down and put his head into his hands very briefly, before sitting straight up again as another, more resolute thought passed through his mind.

 _No. No more self-pity. From now on, you need to do more than acknowledge there is a problem, you actually need to fix it._

 _I'll have to make preparations to travel to Williamsburg. And then….and then what?_

 _I'm still in no financial shape to ask for her hand, and I'm not about to invite myself to stay with Mr. and Mrs. Merriman just for a casual visit._ He tapped his foot impatiently, thinking. _I could stay with friends, except Will has since left for Norfolk, and Walter is presumably still with his family. So, that is out of the question._

 _Instead…could Lissie perhaps leave Williamsburg? Under what circumstances? My parents would love the idea of her visiting, but I highly doubt that Mr. and Mrs. Merriman would just let her come to visit when an engagement is not yet in the books._

He sighed, placing his head down onto his desk.

 _I need help._

As soon as this thought crossed his mind, an idea popped into his head, and he sat up again and pulled a sheet of parchment to write a letter to his sister.

 _September 30_ _th_ _, 1782_

 _Dear Anna,_

 _I hope everything is well with you, William, and the children. I write to you to ask for advice on a matter, or help if you can give it in any way. As you know, my absence from Felicity has stretched on much longer than we had ever thought, largely due to my own failures and shortcomings._

 _I received a letter today from her, and it seems like she is going through an awful spell. I feel incredible guilt over the fact that I had just left her alone in Williamsburg to deal with the mess that the two of us made, and am afraid that her sentiments might breed resentment and regret over being involved with me. I cannot bear this, so I feel I must act._

 _I have gone over in my mind all of the potential plans I could make so that I might see her again, and it seems like nothing is going to work out. As you probably could assume, her parents would not been so keen on me visiting, nor on Felicity coming to Yorktown. They are indeed fine people I assure you, but not at all like our own mother and father._

 _So now I wonder, would you have any ideas? I know it is a long shot and forgive me for being presumptive, but is there any reason for her to come and visit you in Philadelphia? I know you have mentioned it to her in the past, because she has told me!_

 _I should add that running away with her is out of the question, and to the best of my knowledge, she shares this sentiment._

 _Please consider this, and do give my love to Ezra, Lacey, and little Sibby._

 _Sincerely,_

 _Ben_

Ben skimmed the letter, hoping that he explained the situation thoroughly enough. He knew that Felicity and Anna exchanged letters from time to time which suggested a good rapport, so he figured that his request had not been too presumptive. Another question was how Felicity would feel about traveling to Philadelphia. He knew in an instant that she would readily do so, but now the question was, how to make Mr. and Mrs. Merriman receptive to the idea? He hoped Anna would have some suggestions.

He pulled another sheet of parchment to write a letter to Felicity. It was still a little too early to bring up the idea of Philadelphia; he knew he needed to wait for Anna's reply before he spoke about it in detail. Still, he knew he needed to address her concerns. He dipped his quill into the ink, and began to write.

 _September 30_ _th_ _, 1782_

 _To my Dear Autumn Maiden,_

 _Autumn has begun to shine its way through Yorktown, beginning with the crowns of the trees and the cool winds that blow through, and it is this time of year that I especially think of you. It is days like these that I see you standing in front of me, with flowers in your hair._

 _This, of course, is the moment in which you correct me, telling me that they are only leaves, because flowers do not bloom in Autumn! Are you thinking it, Lissie? I know you are!_

 _Lissie, from the depths of my heart, I will address your concerns._

 _It is true that our path has not been an easy one. Whether it be through our faults, our luck, or just bad circumstances, we have been separated for a good long while. I suppose this can be considered a struggle, as we have indeed struggled to maintain happiness in any way we can when we do not have each other to readily see, to hear, and to touch. So when you ask me if I struggle, I will have to answer truthfully, that the answer is yes, for these reasons, I struggle. But please know that it is all worth it, because you are worth it. I believe our struggles are ones of pure heart and mind. They are good, not something to be saddened, frightened, or ashamed by._

 _You may remember a letter I wrote to you, as I told you that falling in love was a terribly frightening notion? It is amazing how time shapes our perceptions. I still stand by what I said, but now I have a refined notion. I feel as though before I was with you, I was incomplete. I blissfully ignorant of this, until we were together. You opened up a whole new sense of myself, and now that I know this part of me exists I feel pain that I never knew I could have when you are not with me, and when we are together, I feel happiness that I never knew I was capable of feeling. Truth be told, I feel as if by unlocking this part of me I have been replaced by an entirely new man. And this, I would not give it up for anything. I would not give you up, not for anything._

 _In this life, what do we have if not love?_

 _I love you,_

 _Ben_

Ben set aside the letter to dry alongside the letter he had written to his sister. All the while, he thought about Felicity and her downcast words, and hoped that this letter would bring her some happiness.

…

 **A/N:**

1) I consider this to be sort of a Chapter 14, part 1. I originally planned one more scene, but it has been ages since an update and I figure it is high time I put something out.

2) There is an obvious _Freaks_ reference here, along with a line derived from a letter written by Alexander Hamilton to his future wife

3) I also have a habit of referencing some of my own stories, which I tend to write to put some of my head canons into context. _The Autumn Maiden_ has served as a prologue to this story, and I reference a few things from _The Ceiling_ here as well.


	15. Chapter 15

The breeze picked up and rustled through the streets of Yorktown, taking with it the smell of the sea as it swirled around Ben. He paused to take in the familiar sensation and felt a wave of nostalgia for the town that had been his childhood home, suddenly feeling the urge to break into a run towards the local cake shop as he had done so many times in years past. Grinning to himself, he adjusted the strap of his heavy bag as he relived this common childhood memory and continued on his way. He had just been at a meeting of members of the Asiatic company, where he was invited to sit in and listen to what the normal weekly meeting would be about. It was all completely routine; the merchants would talk about the state and availability of the goods that were acquired and delivered, the mariners spoke about any issues with the routes that were taken, and the accountants would talk about the profits and losses. The meeting scribes would write furiously, taking down every last detail on parchment that would eventually make its way overseas.

 _It is just like running a very large store_ , Ben thought. _And by the looks of things, the fact that my job for several months was just to copy down inventory lists shows that things are of a severely disorganized state_. Ben was thankful that his days of copying were done; he was prepared to begin looking for more work, but Karl had surprised him by handing down notification that he was to stay on. For what exactly, he did not know; he had been given completely random assignments such as translating letters and inventory between Swedish and English, and checking over the specifications of a port in Norway to see if it could support one of the company ships. His father had assured him that it was a good sign that his employers thought him to still be of use. Indeed, his schedule for the next few weeks was full of assorted tasks and meetings. In addition to this, he had gotten to leave his sad little office behind for a larger room in a building that had been rebuilt after the battle of Yorktown a year prior.

He walked up the steps to his family home, unlatched the door and stepped in, closing it quietly behind him. One of the first things he noticed was a folded up letter on the front stair well, and his heart jumped as he rushed over to pick it up. It had been nearly three weeks since he had sent his last letter to Felicity; one that spoke of his continuous love and optimism for her despite their separation. Thus far, he had gotten no reply, which was a thought that held steadfast in the back of his mind, emerging with full force when he tried to fall asleep at night.

He turned the letter over and saw that it was addressed to him, although it was not from Felicity, but his sister, Anna. He broke the seal and unfolded it, letting the sense of disappointment was over him and replaced it with anticipation to read her thoughts on his previous proposal.

 _October 14_ _th_ _, 1782_

 _Dear Ben,_

 _Your letter raises all sorts of questions in my mind that I know are likely better explained in person. But I know that we do not have that option so it will just be necessary to write a longer and more concise letter to me._

 _Felicity is welcome to come and visit me and my family at any time she pleases, but for a longer visit, a plan must be put in place. Please know that I have reached out to Felicity with the idea that she could have a short appointment with me as a governess for Lacey. You know how precocious your niece is, and I believe that she would take to Felicity better than the last governesses I have tried to work with. She may be young, but I know how well-read and intelligent she is so the choice was obvious._

 _All of this is, of course, dependent on if her parents permit her to come to Philadelphia. If she agrees to this, I would like to have her on for at least six months, a shorter appointment wouldn't do. You say that Mr. and Mrs. Merriman are not like Mother and Father, and I wonder, what exactly do you mean by this? And this leads into another question: Will you play a role in all of this? I still am a little confused as to the relationship between you and her parents. You said you aren't completely forbidden in Felicity's life, but, will her parents not be keen on agreeing to my invitation if there was a possibility that you would be there? Will you not come to Philadelphia as well?_

 _The thought that helping Felicity by sending her even further away from you is a little odd, but you have always been a little odd, haven't you?_

 _In the meanwhile, I will await a more detailed letter from you._

 _Yours,_

 _Anna_

 _PS. You might be asking yourself why I just extended the invitation without suggesting it to you first. The truth is, I have the freedom to hire a governess without asking permission from the likes of you. Are we understood, Brother?_

Ben folded up the letter and smiled to himself as he recognized the serious wit and deadpan nature of his sister. Bringing Felicity on as a governess was a brilliant idea; it would certainly get her out of Williamsburg and put her among a more supportive crowd. As for working as a governess; he had never heard Felicity speak of it, but he figured that with her love of books and curiosity towards the natural world would make her an excellent teacher.

His smile faded as he thought of Anna's second question. The truth was, he had no idea what role, if any at all he would play in it. He had no set plan to travel to Philadelphia in the known future; and even with Felicity there, he was uncertain that he would have time to make the trip considering his uptick in work-related obligations. He had sent his original letter to Anna with only one thought in mind; that he needed to get Felicity out of Williamsburg.

 _Of course I would make time_. He felt a little ashamed to have put the weight of his work above her.

 _But when? And of course, all of this is dependent on if Felicity is allowed to leave in the first place?_

 _What if it isn't her parents at all? What if she refuses?_ Insecurity threatened to seep in as Ben realized how far removed he felt from Felicity as of late.

 _What is she doing right now? What is she thinking? Is she happy?_ These thoughts constantly cycled through his mind, and with each cycle came the conclusion that he had no idea. Her letters spoke of her love towards him, but they had an overwhelming lack of familiarity, perhaps almost an emptiness about them, almost as if she was following a written script.

 _Why has she not answered my letter?_

 _Does she miss me? Or has that been replaced by resentment?_

Ben sighed and ran a hand through his hair to sweep back the strands that had come loose from his tie, then picked up his shoulder bag and made his way up the stairs to his room. Once there, he tossed down his bag and kicked off his shoes, then laid down on top of his bed, still deep in thought.

 _If Felicity does indeed go to Philadelphia, and I find it will affect my nascent standing at work to leave for a visit, then I simply cannot go._

 _She will have to bear the disappointment and trust that it will lead us together, permanently._

He rolled off his bed and headed back over to where his bag lay, then opened it up and pulled out a few documents. He needed to finish a report on whether purchasing several goods from Rauma was preferable to Turku.

…

Felicity lightly strummed her guitar, keeping a half mind on the instrument, and an ear trained towards the conversation. She was sitting in the Coles' parlor with several of the ladies in her social circle, and from what she could tell, they were discussing the exhibition of native art in the Williamsburg town hall.

"I think it's all so…enchanting. I've gone to see it twice. Everything is so beautiful and detailed."

"Can you buy items from the collection?"

"It does not say if it is explicitly for sale, no. But everything has a price, does it not?"

She shifted her attention back towards her guitar as the tune she was playing required the use of careful hand placement, plucking the strings a bit softer as to lessen the attention if she was to make a mistake.

 _F…A minor…F….C…G…C….G_

 _Perhaps these chords are not so difficult after all._

Her mouth twitched into a slight smile as she caught herself nearly singing the words out loud, and just settled for reading them in her mind.

 _I did my best, it wasn't much_

 _I couldn't feel so I tried to touch_

 _I told the truth, I didn't come to fool you…._

"Felicity?" Fiona's voice sang out, pulling her out of her thoughts. "Oh!" the other girl cried out, "I didn't mean to interrupt your playing. It's lovely, really!"

"That's quite alright." Felicity said, putting on a polite smile. "I apologize, my mind drifted a little. Did you ask a question of me?"

"We were just wondering about your thoughts on the exhibition at Town Hall." Sybil said patiently.

"I've not gone to see it as of yet." Felicity answered truthfully to the crowd of ladies, many of whom looked taken back at her admission.

"Really? I thought you would be most excited about it, for sure." Fiona said.

"Bitsy and I asked her to come with us on two occasions, but she refused both times." Annabelle said, raising her cup of coffee to her lips. Elizabeth nodded in agreement.

"Why have you not gone?" Kitty asked. "It's simply marvelous! Do you think you will not like it?"

"I'm sure it is quite nice. I've just not gone to see it yet." Felicity said calmly, and looked back down at her guitar. She could not explain why, but she had just been pressed with an overwhelming desire to stay at home as of late, doing menial tasks that would allow her mind to drift. Perhaps in another time, she would have enthusiastically seen the exhibit, but right now she simply did not have the energy to do so. To add to this, she had no outward desire to spend much time with the Cole sisters. Today was the exception to that, she had been set with yet another overwhelming disappointment that had driven her out of her home. By luck, Elizabeth and Annabelle were hosting a social circle so the Cole's home was an obvious choice.

Her mind went back to the letter she had received earlier from Anna, Ben's older sister. To her surprise, Anna had proposed that Felicity come to live with her and her family in Philadelphia for a few months, where she would be a governess to her six year-old daughter, Lacey. The letter had filled her heart with joy and excitement that she had not felt since before Ben left, and she knew, deep down, that this was Ben's doing.

But, this feeling was only fleeting, as she realized almost right away that her parents would not permit her to go. So she braced herself for the disappointment, and indeed, the disappointment came.

 _"We do not think it is appropriate for you to go, daughter. You are simply too young, and you need to be trained as a governess before you can expect to succeed in such a role." Her father had said, with her mother standing, arms crossed behind her._

 _"Also," her mother had chimed in, "We think it is odd that Ben's sister could find no suitable governesses in a city as large as Philadelphia. Something seems off. Is Ben now living there?"_

 _"No." Felicity had said. "His work with the shipping company is in Yorktown. All of the letters I send to him are addressed there, as you can plainly see." A warning tone had seeped into her voice and she reacted with surprise at its rare occurrence. "And," she continued, "I met Anna once before, remember? She finds me very knowledgeable, and perhaps she thinks of me as a perfect fit to teach her daughter."_

 _"I'm sorry Felicity, but your mother and I agree that this is not the right plan for you." Her father said, finality in his voice. Felicity looked down at her feet, and he continued. "Please put it out of your mind, daughter. Perhaps I could use some more assistance in the store during Publick Times. Would you like that?"_

Her only response was a silent nod, which she found herself pantomiming right there in the Coles' parlor as she internally sang the lyrics.

 _And even though it all went wrong_

 _I'll stand before the Lord of Song_

 _With nothing on my lips but Hallelujah_

Much like how she earlier avoided melancholy by avoiding thoughts of Ben, now, she avoided melancholy by thinking of nothing at all. _But that did not sound right, did it? I've not been avoiding melancholy at all. Perhaps melancholy is now my permanent state_. She thought bitterly.

Bits and pieces of the conversation filtered through her thoughts, as she heard one of the ladies ask what the date was. "October 21st." She answered automatically, having seen it written on the header of the day's gazette.

 _October 21_ _st_ _. In six months I will be nineteen_. At that age, ladies who were not yet engaged were made to start worrying that they will be too old to find a beau, to wed. She had always thought the idea of rushing to find a suitable husband was indeed silly; that a woman's worth was much more than her marital status. But now she felt flickers of shame and worry that she might be left behind.

 _But I have a beau. Ben is working hard so that he will return for me._

 _Is he? Why has he not written to you in so long? Perhaps what you feared has come to pass. He has found another girl, one who is more gentle and kind than you are._

At this thought, Felicity jerked her head up and looked at Elizabeth. _Someone gentle and kind, who is not so much of a struggle like I am. Isn't that what he deserves? Isn't that what any man deserves?_

She forced these ugly thoughts out of her mind and played another verse on her guitar.

 _Maybe there's a God above_

 _But all I've ever learned from love_

 _Was how to shoot at someone who outdrew you_

Dimly, she heard snippets of conversation around the room, and realized that once again, the conversation had turned to the topic of men. She scoffed, and continued playing.

 _It's not a cry that I hear at night_

 _It's not somebody whose seen the light_

 _It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah._

Suddenly, she heard Joseph's name, and looked up once again. Elizabeth was giggling, a blush spread across her cheeks. The rest of the ladies were wearing excited smiles, with only Annabelle leaning back in her chair, a thin smile across her face. Felicity automatically felt some sort of odd kinship for her. Kitty's voice rang out. "I was wondering when you two were going to come out to the public! He is so sweet to you!"

 _Of course he is sweet to Elizabeth. Elizabeth is good and kind, right?_ _Everything I am not, and never will be._ Something twisted in her chest, and a sudden, reckless sense of anger filled her. Pushing back against the little voice in her head that told her to keep her cool, she leaned her guitar against her chair and took up her coffee mug, then addressed Elizabeth. "Honestly, Elizabeth, I didn't think he was your type!" She made a heroic effort to keep her voice light.

Elizabeth looked at Felicity, eyebrows raised. "Beg pardon, Lissie?" She asked, a smile still on her face.

"I mean," Felicity cleared her throat. "Do you remember a few years back, when we were but fourteen? It was during Publick Times, so there were so many travelers in town! Do you remember all of the visiting merchants? One of the merchants, do you remember him? The Turkish man? When he bowed to us, you turned bright red and could not speak a word!"

The smile faded from Elizabeth's face, "What exactly are you getting at?" She asked slowly, eyebrows still raised.

Felicity kept talking, no longer bothering to hide the mocking tones from her voice. "I remember that when you finally regained the ability to speak, all you could talk about were his lovely, dark eyes. It was like you were a woman possessed! Do you remember, Annabelle?" She asked, looking over to the older girl.

Annabelle laughed, bringing a hand to her mouth. "I do remember! I realized then that I would need to keep an eye on you, Bitsy!" Elizabeth frowned, folding her hands in her lap. The other ladies had gone silent, their eyes flicking from Felicity to Elizabeth.

Felicity had started, and now she could not stop. Not that she wanted to, anyways. "I didn't think Joseph's blue eyes were really to your taste!" She jeered.

Elizabeth had flushed dark red, and now she narrowed her eyes at Felicity. "I knew it, I just knew it would be like this. You sound as though you might be angry about us after all, when you assured me, nay, _swore to me_ that you had no feelings for him, and had not for a great long while."

"No, of course I am not angry." Replied Felicity airily, then lifted her chin. "I am just a little concerned for you. Perhaps he is with you only to make me jealous." She knew how callous she sounded, but it was not at all concerning for her. Something deep inside her had awoken, and now it poured out of her.

Elizabeth gasped. "The arrogance of you!" She pointed a finger towards Felicity. "I stood by and I listened to all of your tiresome problems as you were trying to choose between Joseph and Ben, and it made me want to set myself alight! Why, you ladies should have heard it!" She put a hand to the back of her forehead and declared in an overly dramatic, mocking tone. "Whatever shall I do? I have _too_ many suitors! Oh, _woe_ is me!"

Felicity snorted. "Is that supposed to be an imitation of me? Were you even listening to anything I had said? You've gotten it all wrong. I told you all about Joseph, how insidiously cruel he can be and yet you still chose to be with him!"

"Yes." Elizabeth said forcefully, "And he has told me _all_ about you. And I have enough of your side of the story, and enough of his side of the story to know that you have conducted yourself in a very amoral, cruel behavior when it came to Joseph."

"Is that so?" Felicity stood up and balled her fists at her side. "How exactly have I conducted myself? Do enlighten me."

"Well," Elizabeth narrowed her eyes, "The simple fact that you carried on with Ben while still in a courtship with Joseph. I know this to be true because you told me."

"For only how long? A week?" Felicity retorted. "I knew immediately that I wanted to drop Joseph for the way that he treated me. I was in the right!" A voice in the back of her mind warned her that this was an argument that she would not win, yet her pride coerced her further.

Elizabeth rolled her eyes. "I know that you kissed Ben on the same night that his friends attacked Joseph at the tavern. I know this, because you told me."

"Lies and slander!" Snapped Felicity. "Ben fended off an attack from one of Joseph's friends that had damaged a recently-healed war injury!"

"One claim does not nullify the other." Elizabeth said, then continued. "Perhaps, if only you had told Joseph the truth of it, then it would have redeemed you somewhat. After all, we are only but sinful humans, and Ben is your childhood friend. But you? Of course you did not." Her voice lowered dangerously. "Joseph was none the wiser until he caught the two of you completely drunk on rum, your hands all over each other in front of the courthouse at two in the morning!"

Felicity gasped. "It wasn't like that!" _Or was it…?_ Her memories of that night were admittedly fuzzy.

"Oh, but you admitted to it, did you not? You sounded almost proud of your conduct!" Elizabeth said. "And what is more, the two of you were surrounded by broken glass from the bottles you had just smashed in the street!"

Felicity put on a forceful glare, but felt a tears starting to prickle her eyes. Elizabeth was now standing, her finger pointed at Felicity. "And when your parents found out about your deception, your father fired Ben and sent him back to Yorktown. And now, you are left all alone, because what goes around comes around, doesn't it? You had so many opportunities to make things right, yet you chose to lie, cheat, and deceive!"

A lump formed in Felicity's throat and she glanced around the room. The other ladies were sitting frozen and wordless, eyes staring in disbelief and mouths gaping at her. Only Annabelle sat with an impassive expression. She decided that she would linger in Elizabeth's company no longer and grabbed her guitar and stalked out of the parlor, pausing only to dip into a mock curtsey. As she straightened up, she caught another glimpse of Elizabeth, whose face had softened into a shocked and almost apologetic expression. She then turned, and stalked out of the Coles' home, blinking back tears as she did her best to march proudly down the street.

….

Ben rifled through his stack of notes until he reached the pages that he had specifically bound, then pulled them out. He pulled out the knot of the binding, then leaned forward and spread his papers out on the table in front of him. Around him, men of the Asiatic company performed similar actions. They all looked up as Jonah Sanderson, the finely-dressed head of the regional offices took his place at the head of the table, then rang a small bell. Ben took a breath, expecting the familiar flutters of nervousness that he had felt long ago when addressing a room for of potential investors, yet, there were none. He cracked his knuckles and wrists, straightening the handsome gold cuffs that Felicity had given to him as a birthday present. As he did this, he imagined her perfect mouth, giving him a smile as she wished him good luck.

The topic of the meeting was to discuss any changes in the routes to maximize the shipment of goods from the mainlands to the port cities, and Ben had been called on to look at potential new routes leading to the Swedish port of Kalmar. He had not exactly known why he had been chosen, but he saw the importance of the first task that he had been given to utilized the skills he had picked up as an apprentice.

The meeting started with discussion into new routes at major locales in Western Europe, and the Colonies, and closed with talk into potentially expanding the shipping routes into Spanish-controlled Florida and the Caribbean. Ben listened attentively and offered a few questions and suggestions into each discussion. Finally, it was his turn to talk. He offered up the results of his research, and suggested that the Swedish town of Vaxjo be used as a checkpoint for goods to be delivered to Kalmar due to its size and location as a hub for many of the small, surrounding agricultural towns.

"How are the roads? Vaxjo looks to be quite remote, so I question whether or not goods can move through efficiently." One of the men commented.

"That is the main question." Ben said. "It would be a good idea to send a message to town officials asking for specifications on how shipments may move through to the port of Kalmar." He paused, and made sure to follow up with a measured voice. "Yet, I also have no pretenses that town officials may talk up the state of the roads for the purpose of getting the contract. Therein lies the difficulty."

"Hm. You make a good argument, and a cautious point." Mr. Sanderson said, tapping his large fingers on the table. "Well, Mr. Davidson, why don't you write a few lines their way and see what comes back. If the infrastructure is said to be good, then we will send our people to check. If the infrastructure is poor, then we know we are dealing with honest men, so perhaps something can yet be worked out. When you have written the request for information, send it to my offices and we will make sure it gets to where it needs to be." He nodded at Ben. "Thank you Mr. Davidson."

"Most welcome, Sir." Ben felt the rush of success course through him, and had to keep from grinning right there in the meeting. He saved it for when the meeting was over, and he was back in his office. It was then that he allowed himself to break into a smile as he leaned back in his chair and crossed his arms behind his head for a brief moment, before leaning back over his desk to get back to work.

….

Felicity tapped her fingers on the counter at Merriman's store, feeling more at ease than she had felt in recent memory. In a few days time it would be Publick Times again in Williamsburg, which meant an influx of people into the town, performances, games, and news from across the colonies and over the world. This year, Nan would be performing as the Autumn Maiden at the festival, a role that Felicity had played three years prior. In her absence, Felicity would be filling in at the store. Brushing aside the slight feelings of embarrassment that she got from filling in for her own younger sister, she felt pride again at taking her old place behind the counter. It was almost enough to make her forget about the ugliness of what happened four days prior at the Coles' home. The store was not extremely busy; there had been a few customers here and there, but not as many as would be expected. Felicity hoped that business would pick up, lest her father would decide to send her home once William arrived from school.

The door swung open, and Mrs. Matthews walked in with her young daughter, Hannah. Felicity was quite fond of the other woman; she had spent many hours over at the Matthews' home using their spinning wheels and she knew that Hannah was a good friend of Polly.

"Good day Mrs. Matthews, and Good day Miss Matthews!" Greeted Felicity, a pleasant smile on her face.

"Good day to you too, Miss Merriman!" Hannah exclaimed, waving at Felicity. Felicity smiled even wider at the girl's cheerfulness. "Is there anything I can help you with?" She addressed Mrs. Matthews.

Mrs. Matthews looked slightly taken back, as if she was surprised to see Felicity there. "I'm filling for Nan while she practices for the festivities." Felicity patiently explained. "But I am pretty sure I remember where everything is, and I have studied our inventory lists so I can be of most help." She held her smile.

"Ah…actually, Miss Merriman, I regret I have forgotten my list." Mrs. Matthews stammered, looking sideways towards the door. "I will have to return another time."

"Don't worry Mama," said Hannah. "I remembered what we need."

"Oh?" Felicity grinned. "Do tell!" She glanced over at Mrs. Matthews, who gave a thin-lipped nod towards Hannah.

"We need sugar, cinnamon, cloves, sunflower seeds, and black pepper." Recited Hannah.

"Sounds easy enough." Felicity said, then beckoned Hannah to follow her through the store as Mrs. Matthews trailed behind.

After collecting all of the items and returning to the counter, Felicity added up the cost of the items and Mrs. Matthews handed over the exact change all the while avoiding eye contact. After the transaction was finished, Felicity bid the Matthews a good day, but only Hannah returned it, waving behind her as her mother marched her through the door.

Felicity frowned slightly, confused as to what seemed to be bothering Mrs. Matthews, then shook her head dismissively and pulled out the ledger to record the sale. As she blew on the ink to facilitate drying, her eyes drifted to the other lines on the page, where she recognized Nan's handwriting, William's, as well as her father's. Nostalgia suddenly overtook her, and she flipped back through the pages, through time, until she finally saw Ben's familiar handwriting. He had recorded a sale of cooking spoons on November 2nd, 1781, which she recognized immediately as the day that he had been stabbed.

 _It will be one year soon._

 _But, it has felt like a lifetime._

The sound of the door opening interrupted her thoughts, and she closed the ledger with a start and looked up to see William come in. Her smile was cut off as she saw the look of anger twisted across his face, and what looked to be a fresh bruise forming over his left eye.

"What on Earth happened to you? I thought the headmaster put an end to your brawling club?" Felicity asked, feeling slightly amused as she imagined his antics.

"Wouldn't _you_ like to know?" William spat, avoiding eye contact with her. He tossed his bookbag down, and Felicity noticed that his knuckles were also forming new bruises. He straightened up and looked at Felicity. "Is father here?"

"Counting room." Felicity said, trying to hide her smile. She knew Father openly discouraged William from brawling, yet still she could tell that he held a secret pride whenever the boy got caught up in it. "Wait." Felicity said as William turned in the direction of the counting room. He turned, and she said, "Try and convince him to let me stay. I think he had a mind to send me home when you arrived, but perhaps it is best that you leave, lest customers see you in this state."

Felicity thought for sure that William would readily agree to this, but to her surprise an odd expression passed over his face before he shrugged. "Okay, but perhaps it would be best if father sent you home."

"Why?" she asked, curious.

He just shrugged and mumbled something in return before turning towards the counting room.

She frowned and turned her attention back to a small group of girls about Nan's age that had come into the store in William's wake, but they all had turned their attention towards their shopping as she focused on them. "Please let me know if I can be of service, ladies." She called pleasantly, and was rewarded with silence. Felicity knew that girls of that particular age tended towards snobbishness, but she was puzzled as to the complete lack of response. _No matter_ , she thought as they all herded out, empty-handed.

Suddenly, one of the girls stopped in the doorway and called back, "I'm sure you can!" A fit of giggles rose from the crowd as multiple hands grabbed her and pulled her along.

 _I can be what? Of service?_ Felicity let her face twist in disgust as she recognized the lewd connotation. She reminded herself of the days when she was in her early teens, feeling severely ill at ease as red-faced men would look her changing body up and down, some having the gall to respond to her platitudes in such a manner. She still would often get comments such as these, but had gained the boldness and a few choice responses to shut the men down immediately. Still, it was odd to hear this from a group of girls…..

Just then, her father came out with William in tow. He gave Felicity a tight smile and put a hand on her shoulder. "I think William and I can take over from here; we are not as busy as I expected us to be."

Felicity sighed in disappointment, her eyes glancing towards William. The bruise over his eye seemed to have darkened in the short while he had been speaking with their father, and under her gaze he glanced towards the floor, anger still evident on his face. "Are you sure I cannot be of any help? I know you have been so busy updating the inventory lists with all of the changes in supplies with the war's closing…." She trailed off, confused as to why William was chosen to stay with such an irritable and battered state.

"I'm sure we will be fine here. Why don't you run home and help your Mother and Rose with dinner? Nan will not be finished with her practice until five, so I'm sure they could use the assistance." Her father said pleasantly enough, but there was an underlying strain in his voice. Whatever he and William had spoken about seemed to vex him, and she was determined to get the information from him.

Felicity nodded in resignation. "Aye. I'll go as soon as I make a few more inventory notes in the ledger." Her father nodded and turned back to the counting room. As soon as he was out of earshot, she rounded on William. "Is there something you are keeping from me? What did you and father discuss?"

William sighed. "Lissie, 'twould be best if you just went home."

Felicity scoffed. "The nerve of you, dismissing me like this? Tell me what happened. Does it have to do with your brawling club?" Even though the day had started pleasant enough, the irritable disposition she held as of late was never far from the surface, and the cold treatment by Mrs. Matthews and the lewd comment tossed off by the group of girls served only to lower her mood.

William made a face at her. "My brawling club was disbanded after the rock incident. You know this." A moment of silence passed before Felicity finally snapped. "Damn it all William, _tell me what happened to your face!_ "

William scowled and shrugged his shoulders. "Fine. If you must know, I was defending you."

"What?" Felicity asked, surprised.

"Some of the other lads were speaking ill of you. I wouldn't stand for it." William said, shuffling his feet.

Felicity remembered the group of boys all blowing her kisses and laughing as she led William away, and she scoffed dismissively. "That is what boys do. If they are lucky, they will grow out of it."

"Lissie." William looked at her, a serious expression on his face, "They were calling you a rum-soaked prostitute."

 _Oh. This…this is not good_ , she thought, the words hitting her like a punch to the gut. "Do you…do you even know what a prostitute is?" She asked William.

"Yes, of course I do." Felicity saw from his expression that there was no reason to think otherwise. She took a deep breath, still reeling with shock from the weighty insult. The feeling only became worse as another thought occurred to her. "Did you tell Father what was said about me?" She placed her hands down on the counter for support.

"Yeah." William said, and Felicity felt the color drain from her face as panic flooded her chest. He quickly corrected himself. "Not, not everything of course. I left out the rum-soaked part. I know that you and Ben actually-"

"Just stop. Please." Felicity said, bringing her fingers up to her temples.

"I had to!" William exclaimed, "I got in so much trouble for keeping you and Ben a secret, Father sees through everything I say now!"

 _Just calm down. William has done nothing wrong, and he has a right to keep himself out of trouble._ Felicity took a deep breath. "It's fine." She wanted to reassure William, and reassure herself. "I don't wish for you to get into any more fights on my behalf."

William nodded, saying nothing. Felicity watched him in uncomfortable silence for a moment more, before stepping back away from the counter. "Well, I suppose it would be good for me to be on my way. I'll see you later this evening."

William gave another nod and busied himself with something behind the counter that Felicity could not see. She turned away and hurried out the door, folding her arms across her chest as she walked quickly down the streets of Williamsburg, a cacophony of thoughts running through her mind.

 _It all makes sense. The uncharacteristic coldness of Mrs. Matthews, the group of girls, William's classmates…_

 _It had to be all of those things that Elizabeth revealed during the social circle. All of those women, all of them! They heard all these terrible things about me, and all rushed to tell the next person._

 _It didn't take long, did it? But I suppose this was not unprecedented. Gossip spreads like wildfire here._

She stopped in her tracks as panic once again flooded her chest and forced a deep breath. _Father heard me being referred to as a prostitute_. Her heart lurched at this thought, and she brought a hand up to her chest. _How horrible for a father, to hear of his daughter to be referred to in such a way!_

"Step aside, Miss!" A voice called out, and she instinctively jumped out of the way of a riding chair. The action brought her out of her shock, and she took another breath and attempted to calm her nerves.

 _Everything will be fine. It will all blow over in time._

 _This is all okay._

She walked brusquely on home, her arms tightly crossed in front of her chest and didn't unfold them until she got to her bedroom. It was then that she noticed right away the small, folded letter on her vanity. She rushed over to pick it up, recognizing the familiar looping handwriting that was unique to Ben. Her hands shook as they typically did as she worked to break the seal, although at this time it was out of relief, not nerves.

She unfolded the letter, and began to read.

 _September 30_ _th_ _, 1782_

 _To my Dear Autumn Maiden,_

 _Autumn has begun to shine its way through Yorktown, beginning with the crowns of the trees and the cool winds that blow through, and it is this time of year that I especially think of you. It is days like these that I see you standing in front of me, with flowers in your hair._

 _This, of course, is the moment in which you correct me, telling me that they are only leaves, because flowers do not bloom in Autumn! Are you thinking it, Lissie? I know you are!_

 _Lissie, from the depths of my heart, I will address your concerns._

 _It is true that our path has not been an easy one. Whether it be through our faults, our luck, or just bad circumstances, we have been separated for a good long while. I suppose this can be considered a struggle, as we have indeed struggled to maintain happiness in any way we can when we do not have each other to readily see, to hear, and to touch. So when you ask me if I struggle, I will have to answer truthfully, that the answer is yes, for these reasons, I struggle. But please know that it is all worth it, because you are worth it. I believe our struggles are ones of pure heart and mind. They are good, not something to be saddened, frightened, or ashamed by._

 _You may remember a letter I wrote to you, as I told you that falling in love was a terribly frightening notion? It is amazing how time shapes our perceptions. I still stand by what I said, but now I have a refined notion. I feel as though before I was with you, I was incomplete. I blissfully ignorant of this, until we were together. You opened up a whole new sense of myself, and now that I know this part of me exists I feel pain that I never knew I could have when you are not with me, and when we are together, I feel happiness that I never knew I was capable of feeling. Truth be told, I feel as if by unlocking this part of me I have been replaced by an entirely new man. And this, I would not give it up for anything. I would not give you up, not for anything._

 _In this life, what do we have if not love?_

 _I love you,_

 _Ben_

Felicity re-read the letter not once, but twice, feeling an odd sense of emptiness at Ben's words. He was indeed still there, as he was when she last saw him, working so that they may have a future together. And yet, she felt like this letter was one of many, all saying the same thing with no action or plan. She folded up the letter and tried to picture him, sitting at his desk and writing this letter to her. _It has been so long,_ she thought, as his image did not come into her mind as clearly as it used to.

 _But hopefully, not much longer._ She then thought, hoping to banish that small, uncertain ache that remained there after the revelation she had received at the store, and her lack of reaction towards Ben's letter. With these thoughts, she put on an apron and readied herself to assist her mother and Rose with dinner preparations. Anxiety struck her as she entered the kitchen and saw the two women working there, leaving her wonder if either of them had gotten word of the rumors. It was very likely, given how connected her mother was through the town. At that moment, Martha looked up. "Felicity," she said crisply, "I was wondering when you would make your way back downstairs. Would you please mind the fire?" She immediately went back to the spices she was grinding up. Felicity retrieved the poker and attended to the fire, all the while wondering if in fact her mother's cold disposition was due to the rumors, or if it was just her normal state.

 _Even if she does not know right at this moment, Father will tell her for sure._ Thought Felicity, the dark cloud remaining in her mind.

Dinner was an uneventful affair, with her parents making small talk with Nan about her upcoming role as the Autumn Maiden, with William regarding his schoolwork, and Polly starting her lessons with Miss Manderly. Felicity received no questions, which she figured was for the better so that she could remain silent. After dinner she retired to her room with the purpose of responding to Ben's letter. She spread a piece of parchment out and uncovered the inkpot, then picked up the quill and thought about what to write.

 _At some point, I am going to have to tell Ben, and Anna that I will not be able to come to Philadelphia._ Disappointment once again flooded her mind as she thought back to Anna's letter, which was folded nearly at the corner of her desk. Yet, should could not bring herself to write the words out.

 _I also must not write about my troubles here. I cannot mention Joseph, or what has transpired between him and Elizabeth. And for God's sake, I must not tell him that there are rumors going around about us that might be partially true._

 _I could just answer the letter that he wrote to me. Tell him that I love him, and that I am hoping he comes for me soon._

She dipped her quill in the inkpot, then let it hover over the parchment as second thoughts ran through her mind.

 _What I really should be doing is responding to Anna's letter. Then, I will write to Ben._

Her mind made up, she put the quill to the paper, and began to write.

 _October 23_ _rd_ _, 1782_

 _Dear Anna,_

 _I heartily thank you for the offer, but I unfortunately will have to decline. I feel that I lack the proper training necessary to be a governess._

Felicity hesitated, and replaced the quill back into its holder. She knew that if she was to write this letter and send it off, then her chance of going to Philadelphia and becoming a governess would disappear completely. As long as this letter went unsent, then there still was a chance that she may go. She knew that it was silly, her parents had said no and that was to be final, yet, she could not bring herself to write it.

The letter abandoned, she absentmindedly wandered over to her bed and laid upon it, her thoughts solely on Ben. Truth was, she didn't feel much like writing a letter to him. This realization crossed her mind like an arrow slicing through an apple, leaving her feeling slightly ashamed. _What I want, is for him to be right here._ She rolled onto one side and pictured Ben beside her, propped up on one elbow with his free hand brushing strands of hair from her face.

 _Yes, I am tired of writing letters to Ben. I will indeed write a reply tomorrow, but I must make it clear that I am ready for him to come back to me. I am so tired, tired of Mother disapproval and Father's distance, tired of Elizabeth's two-faced ways, tired of all the ladies and their false friendships, tired of Annabelle's insults, tired of the rumors, and tired of this town. If Ben came for me tomorrow, I would take Penny and leave without a glance back!_

She rolled over onto her back and draped an arm across her face, then swiftly fell asleep.

….

Throughout the next few days, the news that rumors about Felicity and Ben had indeed spread around town, and Felicity was made to know it. It manifested as groups of people turning to watch her, then whispering to each other as she walked by, townsfolk that she had once been friendly with regarding her coldly and avoiding eye contact, and, unsurprisingly, being left out of Elizabeth's social circle. She knew the ladies met once per week on Thursdays, and when she failed to receive an invitation, she knew exactly why. Not that she would have been keen on speaking with Elizabeth again, anyways. Her last glimpse of the other girl was of her wearing a shocked and almost apologetic expression before Felicity had stormed out. Felicity figured that even if Elizabeth carried regret, there would be no going back to a friendship now that she had all but ruined Felicity's reputation.

Felicity made it a point to grit her teeth and bear it both physically and emotionally, carrying on with her day as if everything was fine. She recognized that her parents had to have known full well about the rumors, but thankfully they did not pry. Ben had seen to it that the bottle of rum was replaced ages since, and short of questioning Joseph about that night, there was no obvious proof of their walk. _Honestly though, would things get worse if they knew?_ She thought, sighing as she made her way towards the milliner's shop. As she walked past her father's store she slowed down, noticing that it was indeed full of customers. Despite the increased store traffic due to it being Publick Times, her father insisted that her help was not needed.

 _I cannot say that I blame him. Perhaps if I was there, all of the customers would leave. I should just be happy that my reputation has not spread and stained the Merriman name altogether._

As she entered the equally busy milliner's shop, she heard the telltale lull in conversation followed by intrusive stares. Making a special effort to mind her manners, she curtseyed to Mrs. Adams and greeted her with a smile. "Good day Mrs. Adams!" She hoped her voice sounded as upbeat as it did in her mind.

"Good day to you too Miss Merriman!" Mrs. Adams returned the greeting, wearing a smile that didn't quite match her eyes. "And just how may I help you today?" Around them, Felicity noticed that a group of ladies had gone silent, and were subtly observing her.

"A spool of lace, if you will." Felicity replied. She had been looking to add some touches to a few of her old bodices, and hoped that she had enough skill to do so without Elizabeth's help. Mrs. Adams nodded and stepped out from behind the counter, beckoning at Felicity to follow her. As the two of them walked in silence, Felicity tried and failed to ignore the feeling of being watched by the other ladies in the store, a slight flush raising to her face. She hastily chose one of the spools that Mrs. Adams presented to her, then followed the older woman back to the counter to finalize the purchase. As she was wrapping up the lace, Mrs. Adams spoke up. "It was so good to see you in church yesterday, Miss Merriman." She did not look up as she said these words.

"Aye, and yourself, Ma'am." Felicity replied, not putting too much thought to these words.

Mrs. Adams continued talking. "I just love the feeling of redemption that we can get through Christ. All sinners are equal in the eyes of God, and it is so important to keep in mind that Jesus will heal all of our sins, no matter what evil impulses we have acted upon." She looked up and gave an odd, almost condescending smile as she held out the package. Felicity took it, her face darkening as she realized the meaning behind Mrs. Adams' words. Biting back a reply, she hurried out of the store, hearing the conversation pick back up in the wake of her exit. _They all must be sharing the most recent story about me_ , she thought angrily. _I wonder what it could be?_

Besides the bit that William had heard about her being a rum soaked prostitute, and the echoes of what she had done to "poor, unassuming Dr. Stevens," Nan had filled her in on all of the snippets of gossip she had heard through the town. These were things such as how Felicity and Ben had been caught fornicating (" _fornicating?_ " Felicity had scoffed, _"what an ugly, ridiculous word!"_ ), despite her already being engaged to Joseph, how she had been fired from her father's store after stealing money to pay for transportation to Yorktown, all of the times that she had been spotted in public drunk with an assortment of men, and one final piece of intelligence that Felicity had trouble getting out of Nan. The younger girl had gone red-faced and stammering which was a rare sight to see, but Felicity pieced together enough information to come to the conclusion that there was a rumor of her seeking assistance from a midwife after coming down with the clap.

Felicity had burst out laughing at the absurdity of this final rumor, yet now she felt tears sting her eyes as she imagined the ladies at the milliner's shop sharing it with one another through hushed voices. She blinked and took a deep breath to compose herself, despite the shame and embarrassment that she felt. _Everything is going to be fine. This will all be forgotten. Take heart_. As she walked, she noticed a familiar figure to her right. "Fiona! Hello!" She called out with a smile, hope rising in her heart that she might yet see a friendly face. However, Fiona looked up in surprise, her mouth opening slightly then closing before she turned and quickly walked away, her head down.

Stung by Fiona's rejection of her, Felicity felt herself blinking back tears once again as she hurried back to the safety and refuge of her own home.

 _Has Ben had this much trouble and abuse of his own person?_

 _I somehow doubt it._

….

Felicity remained at home the next several days with the hope that perhaps the furor would all die down; that perhaps the rumor mills would find another victim and absolve her. She regretted missing the bulk of Publick Times, however she also carried no love for the town and its people that she had once held so much pride for. Yet, as the last day of the festivities loomed and Nan would be playing a lead role in the dances, she knew it would be beneficial for her to come out in support of her sister. Indeed, she felt her spirits rise at the sights, sounds, and smells that had become so familiar to her in years past, as she set out with Polly that afternoon. She did feel the need to keep a cautious eye out for any evidence that people might take notice of her in such a bad way, yet the town was so full of travelers that she was sure that the average passerby would not recognize her by name. She and Polly spent the day together, cheering William on in the footraces, casting their votes for the best pies, watching a traveling theatre troupe perform A Midsummer Night's Dream, and finally as the sun began to set, the two of them caught up with William and their Mother and Father to watch Nan in her dance performance.

As Felicity watched Nan perform the elegant ballet movements in her role as the Autumn Maiden, she thought back to the day three years ago, that she held the same role. In all of its strange, awkward glory, she now considered that to be the day in which she realized that she was no longer a child. As she continued watching, she remembered how the combination of the revealing dress, the makeup, the music, her movements, and the feelings of the eyes of men on her had awakened something inside of her, something that had both excited and frightened her a little.

Then, there was Ben. That day was the first day she had seen Ben in more than two years, as his regiment had been on leave for two days in Williamsburg. He had not recognized her at first with her costume and the fact that she had still been just a bit of a girl when he had last seen her, yet she had also felt his eyes upon her as the realization hit him. The day had ended with her impulsively kissing him for the purpose of making Annabelle angry, yet the way that he had kissed her back and the feeling she had gotten from it had looped back into her mind more times than she could count. All that had transpired between Ben and herself since had changed an awkward, embarrassing memory into a sweet, and almost silly one, yet one thing now stood out in her mind as she watched Nan.

She remembered her thoughts as she prepared for bed after that day, still shocked at her impulsiveness at kissing Ben and embarrassed at her newfound feelings of vanity as she had danced, and promised herself that she would be careful, proper and good from that day forward.

 _And, how exactly as that gone for me? Have I indeed conducted myself in a way that is careful, proper, and good?_ She thought, bitterness washing over, the one emotion that she simply could not escape.

 _Stop thinking about it. You had been enjoying this day. Hadn't you? It has been awhile and you should continue to enjoy it._

She sighed, banishing these thoughts from her mind and bringing her attention back to the dancing. The main performance had ended, and now the girls were beckoning members of the public to join in on the dancing as the sounds of the guitar, flute, and drums picked up tempo. She smiled slightly as she noticed her own parents out on the platform along with so many other couples.

 _I used to dance like this_. She thought, starting to feel slightly out of place with no one to dance with. Joseph had indeed been an excellent dance partner, but she had not been out since she had broken it off with him. Ben swore to her that he knew how to dance and would be happy to take her, yet she had been preoccupied with keeping their relationship a secret and insisted they wait until the future. She took a step backwards and leaned against the railing, telling herself that she should be content and just enjoy the music. It worked for a brief moment as the upbeat melody carried her to a place in her mind where she was skipping in time to the music as Ben twirled her around, smiles on both of their face.

 _It is looking more and more like this will never happen_. Her eyes snapped open as yet another unwelcome thought wormed its way into her mind, and she forced it out, her temper rising.

 _Why on Earth would it not happen?_

 _If he really loved you and wanted to be with you, he would have found a way._

 _Stop! That doesn't make any sense! He has his reasons for why he has not come yet, and you agree with them!_ Her eyes snapped open as if it could stop the cacophony of voices in her head, and she instantly fixated on one of the couples dancing on the platform. It was Elizabeth and Joseph, together in each other's arms as they twirled around, their blond heads illuminated by the lanterns. She paid close attention to their faces, seeing how exuberantly happy they were together. All at once, she could imagine that they would very soon become engaged, and married just like that.

 _It's so easy, so very easy_. Felicity thought with bitter sarcasm. _It is like Nan said, love is simple, but people make it unnecessarily complicated._

She glanced over and saw that Polly was with a group of her friends, then turned and stalked away from the platform and headed back towards her home. _All I need now is my book and my bed. And perhaps I should respond to Ben's letter._

She walked through the dark streets that were still teeming with people and noise, past the courthouse, the grocer, and her father's store. As she was walking past the tavern, an odd, glinting object in the ground caught her eye. As she walked past it, the familiarity of it made her take a closer look. She bent down and saw that it was a signal whistle, identical to Ben's. Her hand instinctively flew to her neck, and a jolt of panic went through her as she realized her neck was bare. She refocused on the ground, seeing that the whistle was compacted into the muddy street, as if it had gotten run over by more than a few carriages. She dug into the impacted earth, focusing on the end of the whistle, and breathed a sigh of relief as she saw Ben's initials etched in. _I must have dropped it as I was taking Polly around_. She knew the cord had been frayed, and cursed herself for not replacing it sooner. Her fingers scrabbled around the whistle as she tried fruitlessly to dig it out, before taking a sharp rock to help unearth it.

As she busied herself with the whistle, a voice rang out and she looked up in the direction of its origin. "Miss Merriman?" There was a small group of young men standing outside of the tavern, with one man approaching her. She gave a mild nod in acknowledgement, then turned back to her task. The man knelt down next to her and began using a larger stone to help dig it out. With the two of them working, the whistle was unearthed in no time. She took out a kerchief to wipe it off, and allowed the man to help her to standing. Finally, she looked at her helper, recognizing him as one of Joseph's friends.

"Thank you most kindly, Mr. Andrews." She dipped a quick curtsey.

""Twas nothing. And please, call me Stewart." The man answered. Felicity studied him for a moment. She had not known Stewart particularly well; Joseph was never really fond of her meeting his friends. "Very well, Stewart. Thank you again for your assistance. I hope that you have a lovely evening; I must be getting home." She dipped again, then turned to leave.

"Wait just a moment, Felicity." Felicity stopped and frowned slightly at his use of her given name. She turned around, and he continued speaking. "A friend of mine found a fine leather cord in the street; perhaps that was also yours?"

"Yes, it could be the one." Felicity had not given much of a thought to the cord; it was something that could easily be replaced. Yet, upon a second thought, it had been looped around Ben's neck for years, and it was yet one more thing that she could feel his closeness from. Yes, the cord was also precious. Stewart beckoned her to follow him, and she studied him as she trailed after him. She did remember him from the few times that she met him as being rather brash and impolite, speaking crudely about everyone from British-appointed officials to Widow Smith, the meek old woman who held a laundry service. Yet she knew that he often was put upon himself by his rather ugly appearance. Felicity once felt a fair bit of shame at her careless thought that he looked quite a bit like a weasel.

Lost deep in her thoughts, Felicity realized that Stewart had lead her around to the back of the tavern where a few of his friends were milling about. An uneasy feeling traveled up her spine, and she looked into the windows of the tavern and saw that she was still in plain view of the tavern-goers.

 _Is it really a good thing for folks to be seeing you outside behind a tavern with a group of lads?_

She shook her head slightly and concentrated on the task at hand. "Is it true that one of you gentlemen has my cord?" She gave a slight smile and held her hand out, and moment of silence passed as a collective chuckle ran through the crowd. She took a moment to study the faces of the men in front of her, and the fact that they did not look particularly sober planted a growing sense of unease within her.

Finally, one of the men spoke up, grinning. "Stewart, are you doing what I think you are doing? Give the poor girl her necklace." Confused, she whipped her head around to look at him, and noticed that a few of the men had stepped between her and the road, essentially blocking her from leaving.

Stewart smiled at her. "Aw shucks. You got me."

Felicity swallowed her sense of unease and cowardice, now remembering exactly why she had disliked Stewart. She held her hand out again, speaking through gritted teeth. "Were you lying to me? Pray, if you do have my cord, please hand it over now. I'm in no mood for tricks."

Stewart seemed to look slightly ashamed for a brief moment, then fixed an innocent expression upon her. "Yes, of course Felicity. But, I was hoping that you might possibly join us for an ale? I have on good intelligence that you once upon a time ago wished to be accompanied to the tavern."

"Beg pardon?" Felicity asked incredulously.

"Just one ale, and I will return your cord to you." Stewart stepped towards her, again giving her his warm, but odd smile. "Call it an even trade. You give me your time and company, and I give you your cord. How does that sound?"

"I don't know what kind of game you are trying to play, but I think you should probably just give me back my cord." Felicity said, now thoroughly irritated. She took a step towards Stewart and held out her hand, glaring openly at him.

"So, you refuse my offer? That is a no on the ale?" Stewart asked. She continued to glare at him, and he seemingly conceded. "Well, if that is your answer, best get you going then." He gestured dismissively to the road, all of the warmth gone from his expression.

Felicity glanced towards the road, before turning back towards Stewart. "Not yet. I still would like my cord back. I am in no obligation to trade any favors for it, do you understand me? Who exactly do you think I am?" She inwardly was seething, and keeping her voice even was a herculean effort. She held out her hand again. "Give it here, please."

Stewart swiftly stepped forward and grabbed her wrist. Felicity gasped at the harshness of his grip and tried to twist away, but he held on fast. She looked at his face, and saw that it was now twisted with malice. "I know exactly who you are. Just by looking at you, I knew it." He grinned again, but it was anything but warm. She glanced around at the other men with the hope that at least one of them would intervene and tell Stewart to let go, but they were all standing idly, wearing the same stupid smiles. She frantically glanced towards the tavern windows and saw that none of the customers were noticing that something out of the ordinary was happening. She considered shouting, but worried about the repercussions of being seen behind the tavern with a group of men.

Instantly, she knew that she would have to get out of this on her own. She stomped hard on Stewart's foot, then kicked him solidly in the shin. He yelped, and she prepared to bring her knee up between his legs, but he shoved her to the ground before she could manage it. She landed solidly, the shock of the impact traveling up her spine and reverberating in her head. Dim laughter rang out along, and one of the men asked if Stewart was having a difficult time, just in time to see him wind up, and strike her solidly on her right cheek with a blow that left her with a pounding headache. Her fingers felt earth, and she realized that she was now laid out on the ground.

 _Get up, and get you gone. On your feet!_

Just as this thought crossed her mind, a harsh, angry voice rang out. "What the hell are you lot doing?" She looked up, and saw Will standing there, his massive frame nearly filling the doorway. Relief washed over her, and she sat back up. He rushed over to her and braced her shoulders, helping her to her feet. As she stood up, he pointed a finger at Stewart. "I've beaten you senseless before, and mark my words, I'll do it again!"

Stewart took a step back and held up his hands, his malicious expression replaced by one of calm indifference. "Take her, then." He said in a tone that matched his expression. Will wrapped an arm around Felicity and guided her in the direction of the road. Numbly, she leaned into him and tongued her teeth, thankfully finding no loose ones.

The two of them walked in silence for a half minute, Felicity still trying to mentally process all that had just taken place. The pain in her head lessened, and she walked upright without need of Will's support. Suddenly, a thought crossed her mind, making her stop in her tracks. "My cord!" She uttered.

"Pardon?" Will asked, a confused expression on his face.

"My cord." Felicity said, feeling even more low. "I was wearing Ben's whistle around my neck by a leather cord. It frayed and broke sometime during the day, and I was lucky to find the whistle in the street. But, the cord was missing. _That man_ approached me and said one of his friends had it, and to follow him…." She trailed off, feeling no need to continue the story.

Will frowned. "I get the picture. It's appalling. Well, I'll tell you what. I'll get your cord for you when I return to beat the tar out of him. Would you prefer that?"

"No, no!" Felicity said hastily. "Don't trouble yourself in that manner. I would rather…I would just rather go home and go to sleep, and forget this whole evening!"

"Alright then, as you wish." Will said good naturedly. He offered his elbow for Felicity to take, and when she hesitated, he spoke up again. "What kind of man would I be if I did not make sure you returned home safely?" She nodded and held on to the crook of his elbow and they continued on in silence.

As they continued to walk, a thought crossed Felicity's mind. "Will, may I ask you something?"

"Shoot." He simply said.

"When you came upon Stewart striking me, what did you think was occurring?"

Will once again looked confused. "What I thought was clearly right in front of me. Stewart striking a girl. Can't say I've never seen it before, he is definitely the type. Did I answer your question, Miss Merriman? My own mother often tells me how daft I am, that I often miss the point of things."

Felicity gave a slight smile, then clarified her statement. "I mean, did you wonder what had occurred that resulted in me being beaten, surrounded by a bunch of drunken men behind a tavern?"

"That is none of my business." Will said seriously. "I didn't think twice about it, just knew that I had to get you out of there."

Felicity didn't know if she should feel grateful that Will wanted to stay above all of the gossip, or insulted at the idea that he thought there might be some wickedness on her part that resulted in her predicament. Finally, she decided not to overthink it. The two of them continued on in silence, passing through a busy part of town. As they walked, she felt the cold shiver of many eyes upon her, and imagined all of the voices turning to the next person to share the news of her being spotted with yet another man. She quickened her pace, making Will take longer strides to keep up with her. "Miss Merriman, is everything okay?" he asked, then corrected himself and gestured to her cheek. "Well, besides the obvious, of course."

"Aren't you worried, being seen with me?" She knew a bit of desperation had seeped into her voice.

"Of course not. Why should I worry? Miss Merriman, er, may I call you Felicity? You seem to be doing your best to confuse me." Will laughed.

"I mean," Felicity felt a tinge of frustration. "All of the rumors, everything that is being said about me. Aren't you worried about being seen with me?"

Will scoffed. "I don't believe anything I hear around town. Not for a second. And, even if some of the rumors are true, it's none of my God-damned business."

Felicity knew that she was running the risk of becoming downright annoying, but she pressed further. "I mean, aren't you worried about your reputation, being seen with the likes of me?"

"What? No, Miss Merriman. No. My reputation is not at risk, I'll tell you that." Will shook his head, now looking at her as if she were the daft one. He again offered his elbow. "I think I really need to get you home."

"Right." Felicity said dully. _Of course he isn't worried about his reputation. It's only ladies that have such a reputation to lose! Lads need not worry so much about their conduct!_ She glanced up at Will again. "I agree, none of it is anyone's business. I wish more people thought like you. You are a good man." She said seriously.

"I'll let you in on a secret." Will said. "Contrary to what you might think, most men are good. We don't care one way or another about rumors. It's ladies you need to look out for. You gals can be a vicious bunch!"

Felicity allowed a slight smile, still dwelling on the double standard that existed when it came to the reputations of men and women. The two of them returned to the edge of the Merriman property, and Felicity bade Will a good night, thanking him for rescuing her and making him promise that he would not try to get her cord back. Once she arrived into her bedroom, she sat down heavily at her vanity, then lit a candle, and glanced into the mirror to see if Stewart had done any noticeable damage to her face. There was a bit of redness on her cheek, quite possibly the beginnings of a bruise _. I only discouraged Will from trying to get my cord back. I hope he is still of mind to beat Stewart bloody for this. Or, perhaps I should take a crowbar and do it myself…._

She allowed her temper to flare up, and this time it came with a hint of madness. She knew where the Andrews family lived, and she wondered if she might steal in during the night and bash his skull in for what he had thought of her, what he did to her, and what he would have done to her if Will had not intervened. _Then, why stop there?_ _I could smash out the windows of the Milliner's shop, the florist, the Matthews' home…._

 _Of course, none of this is worth facing the noose_. Now a little spooked about the dark place she had allowed her mind to travel, she decided to just prepare for bed, and get a good rest. She removed her mob cap and shook her hair loose from its braid, then unlaced her stays and slid her gown off, replacing it with her comfortable nightdress. As she passed by her desk on the way to her bed, the unfinished letter to Anna caught her eye, and at once she both thanked and cursed herself for not having finished and sent it off yet. A feeling of hope and opportunity blossomed within her, and she smiled to herself.

 _I could leave this town, leave it all behind and start over. This is my ticket out of here_. The sound of the front door closing, followed by her parents' voices filled her with adrenaline, and she glanced briefly in her vanity and made sure her hair hung down to obscure the bruise on her cheek before leaving her bedroom.

"Oh good, Lissie. You are home. We looked for you before the fireworks show, but you were not to be seen, I figured you made your way home." Her mother smiled at her, seemingly in a rare good mood. Felicity knew this would not be a bad thing. She smiled back. "Oh, I was feeling a little tired. I saw that Polly was with good company, and I came back here."

"Polly got an invitation to sleep over at Sarah's house, and we knew we could not disallow her." Her father said, hanging up his cloak. _Perhaps you will not disallow me either, t_ hought Felicity, gathering her courage. "Erm, I have a question for the both of you." Her parents both turned around, her father raising his eyebrows. She continued, making sure to keep her voice even. "Actually, it is a request. I'm asking for you both to reconsider your decision regarding my offered position as a governess." She took a deep breath, and held on to a bit of optimism that her parents might agree with her.

A long moment of silence passed, and her parents exchanged looks. Her father finally spoke up, a serious expression on his face. "Felicity, your mother and I have already made our decision on this, and it was to be final." Felicity blinked, and whipped her head around to face her mother, who spoke up next. "Lissie, you have already sent the letter of refusal, have you not? It would be unseeming to agree to the position after that. Ben's sister has already likely filled the position."

"No, no," Felicity admitted, "I never sent the letter. I couldn't bring myself to write it." Desperation was seeping into her veins, filling her chest with anxious tightness.

Her mother was now frowning. "You need to respond to a letter like that in a timely manner, daughter. 'Tis quite rude to wait on it like this. You will send it tomorrow, do you hear? Or I will send one for you."

Something snapped in Felicity, and tears prickled her eyes. "Don't you see what has happened here? I can't stay in this town! I have to leave! Please, can't you see why I need this? I'm asking for mercy! I did something wrongheaded and unbecoming and perhaps even deceitful, and for nearly a year now I have been punished for it! It was cold looks and silence and distrust and scorn, from the both of you, and now the entire town! It has been unrelenting and unnecessarily cruel, and it has brought me much ill feelings and sorrow, and now, now I ask for mercy!" She was aware at how much she was babbling, but did not hold back. Her hair hung in her face and she swept it back, not caring if her parents saw the bruise.

"Lissie," her mother's voice had taken on a bit of warmth, but remained serious all the same. "This was not our plan for you. We had agreed that the best course of action would be to wait for Ben to come and ask for your hand-,"

"Perhaps, perhaps I don't even want to see him! I hope that he does not come!" Felicity burst out, almost surprised at her own words. She saw the shocked looks upon the faces of her mother and father, and continued. "You both know as well as I that he was my last chance to have as a beau, because who would want me now? Felicity Merriman, the whore? The prostitute? Who in their right mind would court me now? There was only Ben, and you drove him away! And what am I supposed to do now? Stay at home until I am an old crone? Go penniless for lack of a husband's support? If I am not married, I need to work! I thought that the two of you would understand that!"

"Felicity," her mother pleaded, the hard look gone from her face. "Please go on off to bed. A good rest will help you."

Felicity balled her fists. "You cannot keep me here! Do you hear me?" She then turned and fled back to the safety of her bedroom and tossed herself upon her bed, yet the motion, once cathartic, did nothing to calm the turmoil inside of her. She stood up again and paced the room, feeling like a caged animal with rage still burning in her chest. _I am eighteen years old, and no longer a child! They have no right to keep me here!_ She once again thought of the handy crowbar, sitting propped against the doorway of the kitchen, and imagined herself smashing her vanity and dresser. Her palms ached with pent-up energy, and she seized the edge of her dresser drawer and _pulled,_ pulled so hard that the entire thing toppled against the ground with a mighty _CRASH._

She looked over what she had done and took a deep breath. Toppling the dresser had made her feel a little better, but had not completely calmed the beast within. She spied her desk chair and dashed over to it, then lifted it above her head and prepared to fling it into the wall.

 _Stop! Have you gone completely mad?_

 _Obviously._

 _You will put a hole in the wall. Stop this foolish tantrum. There must be a better way to deal with this._

 _Now that I think about it, there is a better way._

She felt an eerie calmness overcome her, and she placed the chair back down gently before walking over to her window. There, she pushed the panes open, and felt the chilly air through her thin nightdress as she leaned out. _I could just jump. The impact would take care of everything. All of my misdeed, my deceptions, everything I am. It would all disappear._ She hoisted herself up and put one leg out, then the other so that she was sitting on her windowsill. There, she looked down at the ground below, noting with dismay that the drop was not at all far. _At best I would break an ankle or two. Then, I would really be trapped here._ A second thought occurred to her. _What if I dove?_ She had seen lads diving gracefully into local swimming holes during her secret trips out with Ben so that he might teach her how to swim. While she had become competent enough at swimming, she had never attempted a dive. Hitting the ground headfirst would surely break her neck. The problem was, she did not have the clearance needed to dive out the window. So, she tried to improvise. She leaned out the window, bracing her hands against the edges of the wall to position herself correctly. She took a deep breath and prepared to shove off, but realized that her fury and madness was all but gone.

 _To what do I owe this sense of calm?_

 _I thought about Ben, and how he insisted that I learn how to swim. He didn't want me drowning._

She sighed, feeling a little disappointed that her drive to act had seemingly disappeared. Now, she was truly stuck here, if her will was gone.

 _You don't need to stay here. You could just leave._

 _It is a long way to Philadelphia, and the road could be dangerous for a young woman traveling alone._

 _You were just about to fling yourself headfirst out of a window. Why is it now that you fear harm, or even death for that matter?_

She climbed down from her window and back into the safety of her room, then closed the panes. Her dresser laid on its side like a wounded animal, and she knew that she would have to upright it so that she could access her clothing and traveling bag tucked inside.

 _Tomorrow. I'm leaving tomorrow. I'll not tell a soul._

She smiled, feeling free for the first time in a great long while.

….

A/N

1) So, this is basically two chapters rolled into one. I told myself that would be posting a reunion in the next chapter, and so I had no choice but to write all of the necessary things in this one.

2) I tried to capture the accuracy of Felicity's rage as she is screaming at her parents. Being really, really, mad often makes us a little incoherent, and I tried to capture that.

3) Song credits! Felicity is singing Leonard Cohen's Hallelujah, but in my mind I was hearing the Rufus Wainwright version. Jeff Buckley does a nice cover of it as well.

4) I skipped the final editing step I like to do in order to post it _now_ , but it's likely I'll still tweak a few things for readability.

5) We just passed the one year anniversary of me posting a little one-shot about Ben getting into a tavern brawl and Felicity wondering about her unhappy relationship, only to realize their feelings at the end of it.


	16. Chapter 16

Felicity awoke to the faint sound of footsteps coming up the stairs. She blinked and lifted away the curtains of her bed canopy, and saw that the amount of sunshine filtering through the window indicated that it was extremely late in the morning. Ordinarily, she should spring out of bed and hastily pull a gown on, then rush down the stairs with an apology on her lips for her lateness. But, the motivation to do so simply would not come. She replaced the curtain and rolled over onto her back, thinking as she continued to stare at the top of her canopy. She had sworn to herself that she would be leaving Williamsburg today, yet there were so many logistics that needed to be figured out. First things first, she would have to write an acceptance to Anna.

 _Then, all I need to do is to get to Philadelphia._

Nervousness washed over her, and she attempted to calm herself by breaking down all of the things she would need to keep in mind to prepare herself for the three-week journey up north.

 _I have Penny. She is my mode of transportation and my companion, and I won't be lonely as long as I am with her._

From there, she visualized two major strategies for getting to Philadelphia, she could either keep to the main roads, or she could move through the backcountry. The appeal of the main roads was that there would certainly be high traffic moving between Williamsburg and Philadelphia, so as long as there was daylight she would have the safety of the crowds. Then, as night fell she could either make her way to an inn, or find a secluded place to camp out. Staying at inns would become expensive, but if she opted to camp out, other travelers might see that she was alone, then follow and attack her in the night.

Her other option was to move quietly through the backcountry. While she had experience riding and orienting herself in the wilderness, she had never gone as far as Philadelphia. Yet, she knew that she had full confidence in her capabilities. Winter was indeed coming, but there would still be plentiful roots, mushrooms, and berries to forage and supplement the food that she brought with her, and the springs and ponds would not be iced over.

The more she thought about it, the more excited she became. _Of course, there would be no need for a fancy riding habit, just my old woolen gown would do. Or better yet, I'll borrow some of William's breeches!_

A slight knock on the door interrupted her thoughts, followed by the sound of it opening. "Felicity?" Her mother said softly, "Are you awake?"

Felicity decided she had nothing more to say to her mother, and opted to stay silent. She felt no anxious nervousness, no anger, and absolutely no satisfaction at her mother's presence, just dull acceptance. Footsteps started from the doorway and stopped next to her bed, and a moment later her canopy was pulled aside. She lazily opened her eyes and looked at her mother, who was wearing an expression of concern. A moment of silence passed before Martha spoke up. "I came in to wake you earlier, but you were not stirring easily. I then saw the injury on your face."

 _Oh. That_. Felicity thought, bringing a hand up to check the tenderness of her cheek. She blinked, a lump suddenly forming in her throat as she relived the memory of Stewart cold-clocking her. She decided to roll onto her side so that her back was turned to her mother, and noted how heavy her head felt as a result of her action.

"Lissie, what in God's name happened to you?" Her mother's words held a steady calm, betraying only the slightest sense of worry. "Are you hurt anywhere….else?"

"Stewart Andrews lured me behind the tavern, and struck me." Felicity said, a little surprised at how groggy her voice sounded. She saw no reason to speak anything besides the truth.

"Just your face?" Her mother asked, "Are you hurt anywhere else? Daughter...Lissie, you can tell me." Her voice noticeably rose in pitch.

 _What does she think happened to me?_ As soon as this question ran through her mind, Felicity knew the answer. _Does she think I was raped?_ A shudder went through her as the thought went through her mind. Deep down, she knew that it was a possibility that something like that might have happened if Will had not stepped in.

 _Maybe I should stay in inns along the way. It would be much safer than risk being discovered while I am backcountry._

"Oh, Lissie. You were so very distraught last night." Her mother said, an audible waver in her voice. Felicity realized that she had not yet denied the question about being hurt somewhere else, but she felt herself mentally closing down, and did not bother to answer. Her mother waited a moment more, then reached out towards Felicity as if to brush a few strands of hair from her face. In response, Felicity flinched away from her touch and reached an arm around her pillow, hugging it to herself and squeezing her eyes shut. Martha once again waited, and Felicity braced herself for another unwanted touch, but instead she turned and abruptly left the room.

Felicity breathed a sigh of relief as her mother departed, and sat up in her bed, bringing her hand up once again to gingerly touch her face. She felt a bit of swelling and frowned, swinging her legs over the edge of her bed and standing up. There, she was greeted by the sight of her dresser, laying on its side. The memories of the rage and fury she had felt the prior night revisited her, but with them there came a sense of clarity. _I am leaving, and there is no one that can stop me._ She sat down at her vanity and looked at her reflection in the mirror, feeling slightly relieved that she had not ended up smashing it as well.

A very different Felicity stared back at her, one with red-rimmed eyes and a dull complexion. Her cheek was discolored and slightly swollen where Stewart had hit her, and she found that she still had a residual headache from the blow. _Now finally, my outside matches my inside_ , she thought, opening up a drawer and pulling out a piece of parchment so that she may write to Anna.

 _November 12_ _th_ _, 1782_

 _Dearest Anna,_

 _I heartily accept your offer to host me as a governess for your daughter, and I so look forward to working with her. I assure you that it is no problem for me to start very soon; I plan on leaving Williamsburg in the next day or so. The journey will take about two weeks, and it is best carried out before the snow comes._

 _I cannot stress enough how happy I am to be seeing you again, and I am so excited to be meeting your family._

 _Sincerely,_

 _Felicity Merriman._

She folded the letter up and addressed it to Anna, then set it aside and pulled out another sheet of parchment with the intention of writing to Ben.

 _November 12_ _th_ _, 1782_

 _Dearest Ben,_

Felicity stopped and frowned slightly. She remembered how heartfelt that Ben's last letter had been, and she knew that it was his machinations that resulted in Anna's offer. But, there was a small voice in the back of her mind that wondered why he would want to send her even further away. She found herself struck by confusion over Ben's actions. If he loved her so much, how could he bear to increase the distance between them in such a way?

She decided to keep her emotions to herself, and let Ben know that the will to act would be on him. But, she needed to convey that somehow.

 _I will be traveling to Philadelphia very soon. Your sister, Anna, has offered me a position as a governess for your niece. I feel that this is the best decision right now for my future._

 _I pray that you are well,_

 _Felicity_

As Felicity folded up the letter to Ben, a knock sounded on the door. She sighed and opted to remain silent, figuring it was her mother once again coming back to fret over her. A moment later, the knock sounded again, almost impatiently, and Nan's voice called out. "Lissie, it's me! I'm coming in!"

Felicity turned around in her chair, just in time to see Nan swing open the door and enter. She calmly walked into the room and sat down on Felicity's bed, then leaned forward and put her chin in her hands. "Mother sent me." Her voice had little emotion, although her eyes surveyed the disarray in the room with interest.

"Obviously." Felicity said, turning her attention back towards her desk. "And what information did mother want you to gather for her?"

"Lissie," Nan spoke in her plaintive, mature tone that Felicity often found to be condescendingly grating. "Mother is really upset, just completely beside herself. She thinks that something terrible happened to you."

Felicity raised an eyebrow. "And you don't?"

"No." Nan replied. "I can't imagine it."

Felicity did not give her a reply, content to let silence settle into the room. Perhaps it would entice Nan to become bored and leave. Then, she would be free to begin packing her things.

But, Nan did not move. "Lissie," she said, in a much more personable tone, "whatever you are planning, just…just wait."

"What makes you think I am planning something?" Felicity knew that Nan had knowledge of Anna's offer, but wasn't sure where or how she had picked up on Felicity's plans. Not that it mattered, anyways.

"Mother ran to fetch Father." Nan said. "She was saying something about how you are not safe here in Williamsburg." Felicity froze at these words, letting them echo through her mind. Meanwhile, Nan continued talking. "Lissie, Felicity, would you look at me?"

Felicity turned towards her, feeling a bit slow on the uptake. "Mother thinks I am not safe here?"

 _Could it be…perhaps I will be allowed to leave?"_

Nan frowned at her, studying her face. "Do you remember when William was struck by that rock, how he had that odd, faraway look in his eye for days afterwards? You kind of look like that right now. That man must have hit you really hard."

Felicity blinked. She knew exactly what Nan was speaking of, and come to think of it, her head did feel a little funny. She decided to drop her guard. "Aye, he did. But, that was the worst of it. Will Barnes helped me out of there."

"Mother will be so relieved to hear that, and of course I am too." Nan said. "But you are obviously unwell. So please, Lissie, please rest for now."

Felicity nodded slowly, thinking that Nan was right. The news about her mother running to fetch her father also held out hope for her; if she was deemed to be unsafe in Williamsburg, then perhaps she could be sent away. _And_ , she figured, _anywhere is better than here._ She looked at Nan, who was now watching her back with concern etched across her face and smiled slightly to ease the younger girl's worry.

"I saw you dancing last night. You were wonderful." Felicity said.

"Thanks." Nan shrugged.

Felicity was a little confused about Nan's indifference. "Did you not enjoy it?"

"I suppose it was fun, and I'm grateful for the opportunity. But, I did not much prefer being put on display like that." Nan said plainly.

"Hm." Felicity said. She remembered that she had rather enjoyed the entire experience of being the Autumn Maiden. _But, I suppose that makes me different from other girls._

Nan finally stood up, and made her way to exit the room. She paused in the doorway and turned around. "Please promise me, Lissie, that you will at least wait until Mother and Father speak with you before you do anything or go anywhere. I got the feeling that I will be blamed for it. If you must go, please wait until afterwards, okay?"

"Okay, I promise I'll hear what Mother and Father have to say." Felicity bit back a smile at Nan's indifference at whether she was to stay or go, such as long as she did not get into any trouble for it. And deep down, she knew she would need at least a day or so to recover and better plan her movements if she was to make a run for it. She turned her attention back to the letters, still intending to see them sent off today.

….

Ben sat at the family dinner table, his wage statements from the last six months laid out in front of him. He was busy adding everything up and trying to get a sense of his finances. As his work with the Asiatic company had diversified, so did his wages. And while it was true that he enjoyed his more recent, diverse tasks, he wasn't so sure that they had been much of a financial improvement over when he had just been copying lists.

He finalized his tally, and with a sinking feeling, realized that he had only made an average of 175 dollars per month over the last six months. To add to this, his average wage had not increased by much, even as he would argue that his more recent work did require skill and specialization. He sighed and put his face into his hands, rubbing his eyes as if that would give him a better sense of clarity.

 _I was so relieved to be employed, and now I realize that it has not been enough._

He closed his binder and started stacking up his various wage statements, thinking all the while of how he could increase his wages. For a while he had been taking on as many tasks as possible, but this forced him into a terrible pattern of sleep deprivation and error-prone results. He had wisely decided to scale back the amount of work that he was handling, both for his sanity and so that his work was of decent quality.

Suddenly, a voice called out. "So, how does it look?" Startled, Ben whipped his head around and saw his elder sister, Charlotte, standing there. He frowned, getting over his shock quickly. "Not great." He did not feel the need to elaborate; his sister lived right in town with her husband and two sons, and visited often enough to know his day-to-day situation.

"Hm." Charlotte said, coming up to the table and pulling out a chair for herself. "That is a little hard to believe. Mother is always talking about how you are up working all hours of the night."

"How would mother know that?" Ben asked. "Anyways, I am not doing that anymore. 'Tis bad for my sanity. Anyways," he found himself wishing to change the subject, "where is Christopher?"

"Mother took your sweet little nephew out shopping." Charlotte replied. "All for the better, honestly. He is at the age where I cannot control him, nor can I reason with him. Anyways, do not change the subject. What is going on?"

Ben sighed. "I'm simply not making enough money. I was hoping that since the powers that be keep finding new jobs for me to complete, that I would eventually get a new title and set position. But, that has not come to pass. I've appealed to Father once again to take over one of his stores, but he told me that it was better to stay on my course with my current employment as it seemed as though things would start looking better for me. But, it is just not working, at least not quickly enough as I need it to."

Charlotte tilted her head. "Perhaps you are holding yourself to a standard that is simply unrealistic right now. Look around you. No one is making enough money. John is considering going back to his old gambling career to ensure that Henry has enough money to cover tuition."

Ben couldn't tell if Charlotte was joking. It was an ill-kept secret that her husband, John, made a small fortune through his skill with cards, enough to buy several business in town years prior. One of his father's terms of him being allowed to marry Charlotte was that he was to give up gambling for good. He decided not to pry further, thinking that he did not want to know. "William and Anna seem to have enough money."

Charlotte scoffed. "William and Anna's line of work is fruitful and flexible enough to not be hindered by war. When one market closes, there are at least twenty more for them to tap in to. No matter the carnage and devastation that we commoners are unleashing upon each other, the wealthy will always want to buy and accumulate pretty things."

"I suppose so." Ben said, and opted to fall silent. Charlotte waited a moment before she spoke again. "So, mother tells me that Felicity will perhaps go to Philadelphia to work for Anna. Why don't you also go? I know the Asiatic company has an office and a port there."

"I've considered it." Ben said truthfully, "but I did not want Felicity and I to start in Philadelphia. It does not feel right taking her so far away from her family on a permanent basis."

"Did you ask her what she wanted?" Charlotte asked.

Ben could tell she was trying very hard to keep her expression neutral, and it was starting to grate on him. He took a steadying breath, and placed his palms on the table. "Yes, I did. I went along with _everything_ she wanted. She wanted to keep us a secret, and I went along with it. You see how that worked out for us. When we were found out, I wanted us to keep a cool head and appeal to her parents. Instead she lost her temper and insulted her mother. I just can't….I don't…," He struggled to find the words, "She seems to think that as long as she owns up to and confesses everything that she does, everyone will feel sorry for her and applaud her for her forthrightness and sense of self-awareness! She tried that with her father after we were found out, and he saw right through her. And now… _now_ , it is up to me to fix everything. I feel as though I am making this up as I go along, and it is not going well. Every one of our plans and steps has ended badly. It feels like whatever could go wrong, has gone wrong! And now, the only thing I am doing, the _only_ thing I wish to do, is to set up a life for us with as little disruption as possible!" He blew out a breath through his nose, not bothering to hide his temper.

"By having her sent 300 miles away, and not meeting her there?" Charlotte raised an eyebrow at him.

"Could we _please_ not discuss this further?" Ben put his head in his hands and rubbed his eyes in an effort to calm down.

Charlotte's expression softened at Ben's distress, and she reached out and squeezed his shoulder. "I just have one suggestion, then I'll take my leave. If Felicity goes to Philadelphia, make sure you are there to meet her." She stood up from the table, and thought for a moment before speaking again. "Even if it is just for a short while."

Ben watched her walk out of the room, focusing bitterly on her final words _. I'll just leave the only company that is keeping me employed, and head off on a 300 mile trip, just like that. It's so easy, so very easy._

…

Felicity rifled through the kitchen, taking advantage of the quiet house so that she might fix herself something to eat in peace. _The calm before the storm_ , she thought, as she stacked two biscuits and a small dish of apple butter on a plate. She looked over at the progress of the kettle and heard the faint sounds of simmering water, then took a mitt and poured the contents into the coffee pot. As she waited for the coffee grounds to soak, she thought idly about her travel plans.

 _I'll need to bake several more of these biscuits to take with me, and at least three jars of apple butter._ She jumped up and looked through the cupboards to check on the supplies, finding enough flour, buttermilk and salt. Apples had been plentiful this year, so there were jars upon jars of apple butter.

 _What else will I need?_ She sat down and spread butter onto one of the biscuits, then took a bite. _I actually need to get organized. I need to upright my dresser, pull out my traveling bag, and pack my things. No more dawdling._

 _As I get further north, the air will become colder. How much will inns cost? If I cannot afford them I will need to be sure that I can stay warm at night. I need woolen blankets._ She noticed slight cracks in the wall, and was suddenly distracted by their spidery patterns as they traveled to the doorway. _When was this room last painted?_

 _Ben did the work, the summer before last._ She stopped and stared for a good long while, looking back to her memory of him. He had been completely barefoot and wearing a loose shirt and old breeches, guiding the paintbrush with long, slow, patient strokes. " _It helps calm my mind._ " He had said when she had inquired as to why he moved so slowly. " _Does your mind need calming?"_ She had asked him, and he had simply given her a one-word affirmative. This had been just days before the tavern brawl.

The smell of coffee reached a detectable level, and it broke Felicity away from her thoughts. She stood up and poured herself a cup, then set it and the plate onto a tray which she carried into the parlor, and set it down at the table next to a copy of the Williamsburg Gazette. She tucked into her breakfast and stared at the Gazette with an intention to read it, but found that her mind kept on wandering back to what her mother and father would be discussing.

 _I cannot get my hopes up. If anything, they will probably just decree that I must stay indoors at all times._

 _It's completely inconsequential. I am leaving no matter what they decide._

As this last, defiant thought went through Felicity's mind, the door unlatched and Felicity's father came in, followed by her mother a few paces behind. Edward saw her sitting there and rushed over, kneeling in front of her to search her face. Upon seeing the bruise, his face flushed with anger. "So it is true."

Felicity frowned. She had never seen her father this angry before. It was very close to the night that she and Ben had been found out, but that was more of a disappointed anger, distinct from the mask of quiet rage he wore now. Her eyes flicked towards her mother, who still wore what Felicity imagined to be the worried expression she had worn just about an hour prior.

Edward spoke again, his words sharp and pointed. "Your mother says Stewart Andrews hit you. Is that all that he did to you?"

"Yes. He just hit me the once. Will Barnes oversaw what was happening and helped me home." Felicity said, flinching a bit at the connotations behind her father's question. She noticed her mother relax considerably at the news that she had not suffered any further….indignations.

"Was Andrews alone?" Her father still spoke in his quiet, clipped voice, and Felicity swore to herself that she would not be intimidated. She had done nothing wrong.

"No, there were other men there." Felicity said.

Martha finally spoke up. "Tell us what happened, so that we may decide how to proceed. We need to know the truth of it."

Felicity felt the sting of insult at the thought that her parents may still think of her as some sort of liar, yet saw no reason to bend the truth or make omissions. "At some point I lost the cord around my neck yesterday when I was with Polly. When I was walking home, Stewart Andrews approached me and said one of his friends had found it, and to follow him. He led me to the back of the tavern, where it was revealed that he had it all along. He told me I had to join him for an ale to get it back, and I refused. He then attacked me." As she recited her memories, she got an odd sense of déjà vu, very reminiscent of when she was appealing to her parents to give their blessings as she was to end her courtship with Joseph. This memory felt like something that had happened to her in another life, when she was another Felicity. She remembered how nervous she had felt, and how she hoped that her appeal would get her parents to agree that she needed to end things with Joseph. But now, she had been changed, replaced by something harder. She no longer sought out her parents' approval; this was her decision, and her life.

She looked up, and saw her parents conversing among themselves, her mother still looking worried, and her father's face a mask of cold fury. The words rolled out of her mouth, not that she regretted speaking up. "I have made the decision that I am going to Philadelphia. I feel it is the best decision for my future."

Without hesitation, her father gave his reply. "I find that I am in complete agreement. Mr. and Mrs. Wentworth will leaving to travel north next Wednesday, and they have agreed to escort you." As his words dawned on Felicity, he nodded to her mother, who spoke up next. "Until then, you are to remain at home for your own safety, and so you may heal. Is that clear?"

Felicity blinked, still coming to the full realization of her parents about-face. "Aye." She watched as her father stood up, turned, and abruptly walked out of the room. He did pause at the doorway and look back, and Felicity fought through the layers of shock and surprise to study his expression. The anger was still evident on his face, but his eyes showed a different sort of emotion, one that she couldn't quite place. She looked up at her mother for a bit of clarity, but Martha had already turned to follow her husband out of the room.

Once again, Felicity found herself alone with her breakfast and a copy of the Gazette. She picked up her second biscuit, spread apple butter on it, and took a bite. The sudden silence of the room was deafening.

 _I've won. I'm leaving._

Outside, a sudden gust of late autumn wind picked up, and scraped the tiny branches of the maple tree against the window.

…

"Ah, Mr. Davidson. So glad you have come. Please, have a seat." Mr. Jonah Sanderson, chief officer of the Asiatic Company gestured to the empty chair on the other side of his desk, and Ben dutifully placed his shoulder bag down on the ground and sat down, making sure he was sitting as tall as possible. The waves of nervousness he felt fluttering around in his stomach and chest intensified and he took a deep breath, mentally willing himself to calm down. "Thank you for meeting with me, Sir." He said, proud at how forthright his voice sounded.

Mr. Sanderson folded his fingers together and leaned forwards in his chair. "I have received your inquiry into the possibility of solidifying your position within the company. You made a good case of it; I have records of the many tasks and projects you have had a hand in, and I have a very good opinion of your efforts. You show that you can handle a wide variety of projects, and you have exceeded expectations with all of them." He unfolded his fingers and placed his palms down on the desk, and Ben felt a swell of pride begin, mixed with hope that he would be getting exactly what he wanted. He felt the corners of his mouth twitch, and he willed himself to keep a stoic face for the time being.

Mr. Sanderson continued, "We do have a position that you would be ideal for, but it requires geographical flexibility. You would need to spend the next three months at our office in Philadelphia. Then, you would accompany our ships to greater Scandinavia with our team of merchants to produce an updated survey of our trade routes and ports. This would take about two years, and if you have done this well, you would continue upwards with the company, I assure you." He re-folded his hands and peered at Ben.

Ben felt his mouth open slightly at this conflicting barrage of information. _Philadelphia? That is where Felicity may be going! Or…perhaps not. I have not heard one way or the other from her, or Anna._ Then, it dawned on him that he would only be in Philadelphia for only three months, before he was shipped overseas for another year and a half. The weight of this revelation hit him in the stomach like a cannon shot. _I…I can't. I simply cannot leave Lissie be for two more years. It would not be fair to her. I must find another way._ He took another breath, feeling the blossoming hope within his chest roll over to once again yield bitter disappointment.

 _Everything I have done so far has been all for naught. It is neverending._

"Mr. Davidson, I feel you are conflicted. I should mention that the salary for this task will be very generous. We will pay you 850 dollars monthly. And Lad," Ben looked up at these words, suddenly feeling like he was once again a teenaged apprentice, being addressed as such by Mr. Merriman, "You do not have to give your answer now. Please take a few days and think on it. Tell your wife and children. If you accept this position, your salary can be sent directly to them so that they are taken care of in your absence."

Dimly, Ben wanted to speak up and tell Mr. Sanderson that he had no wife and children; he had been putting in his full effort, time, and attention so that he may remedy that. But, this was neither the time nor place to offer these corrections. He felt himself standing up at the same time as Mr. Sanderson, shaking his hand and telling in that he would answer in two days' time. He left the building, his head full of a cacophony of conflicted thoughts. The salary was more than what he needed to ask for Felicity's hand; it was enough to make him wealthy on his own accord. But, he just couldn't ask for Felicity to wait two more years. It simply was not possible.

 _I'll keep this whole offer a secret. She must not know._ As he continued walking towards his parents' home, his mind turned to possible other avenues of employment. _Perhaps…perhaps I'll start selling my sketches. I wonder if I may try my hand at painting them? Or, perhaps John will teach me his secrets with playing cards._

 _I need to figure something out. Perhaps Lissie might have an idea or an update?_

 _She has not written to me in such a long time._

A darkness washed over him as he realized that Felicity's most recent letter dating way back to mid-September, the one in which she told him in very abstract terms how unhappy she was.

 _Lissie, what has happened to you in these last two months? How have you fared?_

 _Do you still miss me?_

He trudged up the steps to his parents' home and unlatched the door. As he swung it open, he was greeted by the sight of a letter bearing his name on the front hallway shelf. He swiftly recognized the familiar handwriting, and practically lunged for it.

 _What luck is this, to wish for a letter and find one waiting for me at home?_

He broke the seal and unfolded it so he could read.

 _November 5_ _th_ _, 1782_

 _Dearest Ben,_

 _I will be traveling to Philadelphia very soon. Your sister, Anna, has offered me a position as a governess for your niece. I feel that this is the best decision right now for my future._

 _I pray that you are well,_

 _Felicity_

Confused, he turned the parchment over, looking to see if there was anything else, perhaps a few more sentences, maybe an _I love you_ hidden somewhere in the margin? But, there was nothing. Just this cold declaration that she had made a decision for the better of her future.

A sudden, primal sense of possessiveness swept over him. _I was supposed to be her future!_

 _This was all of your idea. You treated her like she was burden to be passed on to Anna._

The deep depression that had washed over him as he had walked home just a few minutes prior returned with such a force that it felt like panic, making him lean against the wall and put a hand to his chest so that he might steady his breath. Instantly, he imaged Lissie at his side, advising him to breathe deeply. He managed to do so, despite fighting against a lump that was forming in his throat. He swallowed, and forced himself to think about the second-most important part of the letter. Felicity was indeed accepting Anna's offer, and would be traveling soon, if not already. Besides the stark coldness of the letter acting as the elephant in the room, there were so many other unanswered questions. How was Felicity getting to Philadelphia? Was her father escorting her there? Or, was she simply stealing away in the night with Penny to make her own way there?

That second thought was indeed plausible. It would not be at all surprising if Mr. and Mrs. Merriman forbade her to go, and she decided to leave anyways. He sensed that she had been at the end of her rope. Ben knew that Felicity had enough survival skills to live off the land for some time. After all, she did help him survive a short stay in the woods after he had run away to join the Continental Army back when he was sixteen. Inwardly, he cringed, not caring to revisit this stupid and embarrassing memory. _If I could strike my teenaged self, I would…._

He blinked and forced himself to get back on task. It was unlikely that Felicity was still in Williamsburg, so he could not write her a reply. And, judging by the clipped tone of her letter, she was not in the mood to explain herself further. If he did not hear any more details from Anna in the next few days, he would write her a letter of clarification, looking for these answers.

 _I need to do more than write letters._ Instantly, the advice that Charlotte had given to him echoed through his mind, and he readily agreed with it. _I can accept the position, and go to Philadelphia to meet her there. In person. I will see her again, and she will be convinced that she still loves me._

 _But, then you will leave again, for a good long while._

 _We will cross that bridge when we get there_. _And,_ he thought, _if she does indeed reject me, then fleeing to Scandinavia and getting as far away as I can will only be a good thing._

He pocketed Felicity's letter, then walked upstairs to his bedroom and sat down at his desk to pen a letter, as he had done so many times in the last year. This time, he pushed aside the conflict and doubt in his mind, and wrote with the front that there was absolutely nothing wrong.

 _November 20_ _th_ _, 1782_

 _Dear Anna,_

 _The very things that I have been hoping for has happened, and I have finally been given a promising position with the Asiatic company. I will be required to work for the first three months at the offices in Philadelphia, so, if you were wondering if I would be meeting Felicity in Philadelphia, there is your answer! I hope it is not asking too much to stay with you and William for the time; I would be happy to help out with household tasks and watch my nieces and nephew if needed._

 _I have one more favor to ask of you, Sister. Would you please not tell Felicity that I am coming? Let her believe that I am still in Yorktown. I think it would be a fine surprise._

 _Yours,_

 _Ben_

Ben frowned a little, suddenly having second thoughts about how great of an idea that it was to surprise Felicity. But, he wanted to see her pure, instinctual reaction towards him. If she was forewarned of his arrival, she would have time to think, and hone how she behaved.

As soon as this thought crossed his mind, he scoffed and shook his head. _Look at me, how suspicious I am of her. What have I come to?_

…

Felicity sat on the bench of the Wentworth's fine riding carriage and stared out the window. They had been on the road eight days now, the furthest she had ever been from Williamsburg. Initially, she had been excited about the journey, to see scenery, towns, and roads she had not seen before, but as the long days wore on, she grew more and more impatient. The Wentworths were nice enough, but Felicity had a suspicion that Mrs. Wentworth had done her share of passing on rumors about her and Ben. Felicity was indeed grateful to be riding in comfort and with the protection of company, but she still harbored plenty of feelings of unease about anyone or anything that represented Williamsburg.

As she stared at the nearly-bare trees, she thought back to her parents, and how they were faring in her absence. Packing for the journey had been done so hastily that it all felt like a dream. But, the images of her parents as she was saying her final goodbyes stuck in her mind. The surprising sadness of the whole scenario aside, she had been struck by the exhaustion that she had seen in her parents' eyes. She had no doubt that the past few weeks had been taxing on them, but seeing the mix of exhaustion, resignation, and perhaps a slight sense of relief to be off of their hands. _Or_ , she thought, _perhaps that last one was all my imagination._ She knew that it wasn't in their plan for her to be sent off so far away to be a governess, and while she grew excited about the prospect and had gotten victory in the form of being given her parents' blessing, she knew it could easily be classified as pyrrhic. Would her parents ever see her same way again after all of the rumors and her rages? Would Polly? Deep down, Felicity knew that Polly was but a younger version of herself, and would grow to understand why her big sister seemed to want to leave so badly.

 _It is only for six months. And after that, who knows?_

That thought brought her to Ben. She had regretted sending him such a short, cold letter, written in the confusion that remained due to the blow she had received from Stewart Andrews. She had hastily written him a letter, assuring him of her love and imploring him to write her more letters as heartfelt as the previous on she had received. It was strange, as the realization dawned that she was allowed to leave and begin a sort of new life for herself, the depression, disappointment and apathy she had worn for the last few months wore off, and she felt optimistic hope that in six months' time, when her appointment as a governess was to end, she and Ben would have enough capital to begin a life together.

She peered out of the window, watching as the wilderness gave way to farmland punctuated by several small villages, finally rolling into a city with taking wide streets, elegant row houses, and crowds of people. A few moments later the carriage rolled to a stop, and Mrs. Wentworth stirred from a deep sleep. "Felicity, dear, what is happening? Have we made it to Baltimore?"

"I reckon so, Ma'am." Felicity answered as she focused on a group of young women gathered together outside of what looked to be a grocer, all giggling together. She felt a jolt of paranoia, instinctively imagining them to be sharing a lewd story about her, before realizing that this was not Williamsburg. _No one knows you here. You can breathe easy._

"Hm, I expected it to be nightfall by the time we arrived, but 'tis still daylight out. I say, your Penny runs like a dream! I'll bet old Robin is grateful for the help!" She reached out and rubbed Felicity's shoulder. At that moment the carriage jolted as Mr. Wentworth jumped down from the driver's seat, and a moment later he was opening the door. "We have made it to Baltimore much earlier than expected! I'll bet you ladies are keen to get off of the road and into the inn, yes?"

Mr. Wentworth's big ruddy smile and enthusiastic personality never failed to amuse Felicity, and she felt a genuine smile growing on her face as her paranoid feeling dissipated completely. He helped his wife out of the carriage first, then wrapped his large hand around hers as she carefully climbed down. The three of them made their way into the inn, and Felicity instinctively made her way over to study the contents of the large bookcase. Dimly, she heard Mr. Wentworth requested two separate rooms, and looked over to see the innkeep raise an eyebrow. "A separate room entirely for your daughter?"

Mr. Wentworth laughed. "Unfortunately, this one is not our daughter. We are friends of her mother and father, and we have been trusted to escort her to Philadelphia where she will serve one year as a governess for a very fine family! Whip-smart, she is! Why, just look at how she is studying your bookshelf! The town of Williamsburg couldn't contain her!"

Felicity felt herself blushing at Mr. Wentworth's comments, pride growing within herself. She addressed the innkeep. "Ma'am, are these books available to guests?"

"Yes indeed, Miss." The innkeep smiled. "You can read them here in the common room, and if you would like to take one up to your room, you can sign it out over here."

"That sounds wonderful, thank you kindly!" Felicity grinned back.

Mr. Wentworth finished the paperwork, and the innkeep handed them their room keys. "Supper is served at 7 o'clock, and breakfast is at 8 o'clock in the morning. If you would like to stay an additional night, please let me know as soon as possible."

The three of them made their way up to their rooms, Felicity staying right across the hallway from the Wentworths. Her room was delightfully cozy, featuring a double bed with high posts. A handsome desk sat in the corner, and her nightstand was large enough to hold a large basin, a water pitcher, and a bible. She laid down on the bed and looked up at the canopy, reveling in the feeling of being able to stretch out. She and the Wentworths had stayed in several inns along the way, yet this one had a special feel to it, one that she could not place.

Outside, a nearby church bell tolled four o' clock, and late afternoon sunlight filtered through the window. Felicity blew a breath out of her nose, suddenly feeling restless. Supper was not for a few more hours, and she knew that she was just a short ways from the town square. Her mind made up, she rolled off of the bed and rummaged through her chest, pulling out her heavy cloak and mittens.

The crowds and activity increased as she neared the town square, peaking as she came upon the largest market she had ever seen, far greater than any of the outdoor markets in Williamsburg. There were so many stalls and vendors, selling everything from food to furniture. She passed by stalls that sold paintings, watching as the artists delicately brought life their canvases, woodworkers that chiseled pieces of soft wood into the likenesses of small creatures, jewelers that held up displays of gold and silver trinkets and beckoned to her. At the end of one row she found herself in front of a stall that displayed tapestries, created with a skill that rivaled Elizabeth's.

This sudden thought of Elizabeth caused her to stop in her tracks, and study the tapestries. It was her first instinct to be angry with herself for bringing her mind back to her ex-best friend, for this had never failed to sour her mood. But, she realized a moment later that the anger did not come, it would not drown out the physical distance she had put between herself and all of the terrible things that remained in Williamsburg. And now she was here among the smiling faces of strangers where no one knew her and what she had or had not done, all of her alleged crimes. She nodded and gave a note of praise to the woman at the stall, then headed down a different aisle.

At this point, she found herself in in the stalls that sold food and drink. There were breads, meat, butter, eggs, late autumn vegetables and jars of every type of preserve she could imagine. The sights and smells were enough to make her stomach rumble, and she had to remind herself that she needed to wait until supper. And yet…this resolve broke down as she found herself standing in front of a stall that displayed rows upon rows of pastries. _Just one, I can have one, for they are small._ The baker was patient with her, describing the ingredients that he used for each pastry. And with each description, her indecision grew. There were berry and cream scones, small cakes stuffed with currants, pecan clusters with orange peel, lavender and honey biscuits….the list went on. She finally selected a biscuit filled with strawberry preserves and topped with cream, and greedily ate it as she walked out of the busy market. It was shortly after that she found herself at the town bulletin. It was very much like that in Williamsburg, with a variety of pamphlets and newsletters, notices advertising for work, and items for sale. But, this board was much larger, and slightly better-organized. She chose not to dwell too heavily on the area where people posted looking for information on their missing loved ones, and instead found herself immersed in an odd, almost miscellaneous section. She licked the cream from her fingertips and idly skimmed the various notices, picking up words and sentences here and there.

 _Five shillings to whomever can play…. Does anyone know…..Gather round, for I have proof that the so-called Yorkstown "victory" was but a great hoax…_

 _…..I feel as though fate has played a cruel trick on me…_

She paused, and read this last notice in full.

 _October 23_ _rd_ _, 1782_

 _To Whomever May Find and Read This,_

 _I feel so saddened and ashamed, and I have no one that I may confess to. So, I am telling it to whomever stops and reads this note._

 _I had a beau who was kind and intelligent and treated me and my sisters so well. He was perfect as he could be, although I admit that he was a little dull at times. That truly did not matter, until I met another man, one who was charming and full of mirth, who called me such pretty things, stole me away for conversation, and gave me many gifts. I admit that I was weak and susceptible to his flattery, and when he asked for my hand, I accepted and foolishly turned away from my beau in favor of this wolf._

 _And then, the day gradually turned into night. I implored my new beau to speak with my parents, yet he wanted us to stay secret. I agreed, and he called me so sweet and agreeable and it was so fun to have such a secret! Then, the night came, and he turned mean. There is simply no way to describe it. He poked fun at me, was ever so disappointed in me for every little thing, insulted me, and perhaps worst of all, spoke in admiration of other women (including my younger sister!) in front of me. Gone was the lively, charming man that I had become so infatuated with, and in his place was someone who was disinterested at best, and downright cruel at worst. And when I protested, oh, believe me, how I protested! He merely pointed out that I was an awful girl, deserving of such cruelty and referenced my greatest crime of casting away and breaking the heart of my poor former beau._

 _My sisters look up to me, and it was with this knowledge that I gathered up my backbone and broke away from this man when he had the gall to tell me to please move out of his way as he pursued a tavern girl. And it was like it was nothing to him, he did not care if I was there, or gone! So I was gone. And I admit I was still weak, and sought out my former beau ready to apologize and ask for forgiveness. But, he declined, having found himself interested in a pretty girl that was much like himself._

 _So now, I am but a wretch. Mistreated by one man, and (justifiably) cast aside by another. If I could go back, I would tell myself to not do it, not to leave my kind former beau, but then again, but how could I have known? I feel as though fate has played a cruel trick on me, and I was most deserving of it._

 _Perhaps, the one kindness that he did for me was to insist that our romance stay a secret. So no one knows how cruel and foolish I have been, but you, dear reader._

 _So I implore you, dear reader, to recognize the good and kind people in your life. Otherwise you will be as miserable and alone as I._

 _Love and Kindness to You,_

 _Ladybug_

Felicity realized she had been holding her breath, and let it all out in one sigh. Her heart went out to this mystery girl or woman, who was feeling so ashamed and alone that she had to write a desperate, anonymous letter, telling her story to anyone who would walk by. She recognized the parallels in the letter, how Joseph was her kind and good former beau that she broke the heart of, and Ben was the man that had found his way into her heart and lured her away from Joseph. But, by the Grace of God himself, Joseph had been most unkind in his own way, and Ben was perfect for her.

At that moment, the church bell tolled half-past six. Out of impulse, she pulled this letter off of the bulletin and pocketed it, making her way back to the inn. At seven o'clock, she ate a supper of roasted chicken with seasoned baked apples while sitting around a large table filled with guests of the inn. While she was careful to pay enough mind to listen and participate in polite conversation, much of her focus remained with the letter. Eventually, everyone finally retired to their rooms and Felicity had imagined she spend this time sitting by the fire in the common room to read, but the late evening found her down by the fireplace, writing an anonymous letter in response to Ladybug.

 _December 1_ _st_ _, 1782_

 _Dearest Ladybug,_

 _I am but a visitor, passing through Baltimore on my way up north. I stopped to walk about and see the Lexington Market, and I found myself reading your letter in full. I must say that my heart goes out to you._

 _My Darling, the thing that you must do first and foremost is to forgive yourself. It is not up to me to say whether or not you deserve to be unhappy for what transpired between you and your former beau, but I do believe that you are punishing yourself more than your parents, or your former beau, or your sisters ever could. You seem to be wholeheartedly repentant, and I believe there was no maliciousness towards anyone with your actions._

 _As you forgive yourself, I want to tell you that the sum of your actions have not been wrong. Your former beau, as good and kind as he was, was not the best man for you. Why else would you have turned away from him? It seemed as though you were resigned to settle for him. And that would have been a disservice to you, and to him. You need to find yourself someone that is truly a good match for you. And I believe you will do this, and you will not be alone. Why, you cannot discount that you had two men vying for your hand at one time!_

 _For now, please take heart. You are a proud Daughter of the American Colonies, capable to giving and receiving love and kindness to your family as well as complete strangers such as myself._

 _Wishing you plenty of Love, Kindness, and Happiness,_

 _Felicity_

She re-read the letter, and considered if it was enough to bring Ladybug comfort. It had been her instinct to add in that she did not need a beau to be fulfilled, but that was perhaps not the kind of response the other girl was looking for. Satisfied, she folded up the letter and formulated a plan to pin it to the meeting board first thing in the morning.

….

Ben studied all of the articles of clothing on his bed, having finally finished pulling everything out of his dresser. He glanced over at his large traveling chest, and imagined it had near enough room to fit about half of everything spread out in front of him. He then went through and selectively put aside clothing that he knew would be warm in the Philadelphia winter. Once the pile had been sufficiently reduced, he re-folded and started stacking these articles into the chest.

He then glanced over to his desk to all of the stacks of books, letters, and his carefully-packaged quill and inkset that were gathered there and started methodically everything in. After he was finished, he pulled the chest shut and latched it tight.

 _All finished._

He straightened up, and studied the chest. It had belonged to his father, but needed quite a bit of repair before it could be used again. His own traveling chest; the one that he had taken to Williamsburg to begin his apprenticeship had not been large enough, and in his mother's opinion, too plain, not at all fitting for a man of his status.

Status was an odd concept to Ben. It was true that the Davidsons were very well off, but Ben was well aware that there was an upper class of citizens above them. And, he definitely did not feel like a man of status during his many years as an apprentice, and even less so as a soldier in the Continental Army. He could not deny that he had plans to build a respectable foothold for himself in society once his apprenticeship was finished, but this was never for the sake of obtaining his status, it was all for Felicity.

As the past few months had worn on, there was always a consistent voice in the back of his head that latched on to the glimmers of impatience in Felicity's letters, reminding him that Felicity did not need to seek some sort of status, in fact, she would run from it. Perhaps he was indeed old-fashioned, that Felicity was a daughter of a distinguished family and would live the life a gentlewoman, and thus, he would dismiss the little voice in his head that instructed him to run back to get her yesterday, and remind himself that he needed to be able to provide for her. He would not let Felicity live a life of poverty.

He blinked, realizing that his mind had completely wandered away from him. _Where are all of these thoughts going? Was there a purpose to me thinking them in the first place?_

 _As it stands right now, Felicity may not even love you anymore._ He took a calming breath as he processed that thought, then forced it out of his mind. He again glanced down at the large traveling chest. _Now that I am done packing, I'll still need to get a new riding chair. Unfortunately it will take several more days to finish the order._

He pressed his lips together, surveying the room once more.

 _I don't need any of this._

As a soldier, he carried everything that he needed on his back. It did not matter if it was snowing, or raining, or just bitterly cold. He did not have the luxury of an oversized travel chest or a new riding chair, and he learned quickly to get by without it.

 _What I need is to leave, right now. I need to see Felicity, and I need her to see me._

His mind made up, he took out his travel pack with its many buckles and straps, and opened up his traveling chest to rummage through the contents. He pulled out his coat, thick woolen breeches that were sure to protect him from the cold, an extra pair of stockings, and a few shirts that could be worn all at once. From there, he moved on to the books, keeping a copy of _The Decameron_ and setting the rest aside. As for the quill set, there was no need to bring his own; Anna would surely have one, and the Asiatic Company office was bound to have one available for his use as well. As he came across the next item under consideration, he stopped short. They were all of the letters from Felicity, bound together. He had added them to the chest without thinking much about it, as they were of great sentimental value to him. But, now that he was stopping to re-consider everything, the letters gave him pause.

After a moment dwelling on them, he decided to bring them along. _If she truly has moved on from me, then I can give them back to her for I will truly have no need for them._

….

Felicity sat at the breakfast table with Anna, her husband William, and their children, nine year old Ezra, seven year old Lacey, and one year old Sibyl. She had arrived in Philadelphia three days ago, and Anna had insisted that she spend at least one week making herself at home and getting to know the children before getting to work. Felicity had been grateful for the allowance; it was truly the first time she had ever been away from her own home for so long, and the first time she would be staying anywhere besides her own home. Right away, she sat down with Anna and Williams as they discussed Ezra and Lacey at length. Ezra had started attending school for a full day, and Lacey had been quite jealous about it. Anna thought it would pass, but Lacey remained stubborn and insolent, angry that she had to stay at home while her older brother entered what seemed to be a new world. As a result, they had the last three governesses quit. This made Felicity a little nervous, but she recognized much of herself in Lacey and hoped that the young girl would see her as a kindred spirit of sorts.

She had approached Anna about the possibility of having Lacey take her on a tour of the town square. That way, she could give the girl a sense of leadership, something that might help with the sense of powerlessness that she may be feeling due to the privilege that her brother had. Anna had thought it a wonderful idea, but advised her to secretly take a map, lest Lacey purposefully get them lost for her own amusement.

"Ouch, Lacey, stop!" Ezra loudly complained. Felicity looked up from her breakfast to see him raise a hand and grab his little sister by the wrist. "She is pinching me!"

Lacey did not protest these allegations, instead deciding to twist her hand free and take a swing at her brother. Her fist connected harmlessly with his shoulder, and Felicity looked in shock towards Anna and William. The two of them had been discussing a business proposal with a dealer in Charleston, and had been seemingly slow to react to Ezra's complaints. Finally, Anna spoke up. "Lacey, if you do not stop, you will not be permitted to take Miss Felicity around today. Do you hear me?"

"Yes, Mama." Lacey sank down a little in her seat, and Felicity felt some relief at the nervousness that passed over the girl's face. _I'll take this as a sign that she actually wants to go walking with me._

After breakfast, Lacey and Felicity headed out on their walk. Lacey took her job as tour guide seriously, and pointed out various landmarks around the town square including the church, the courthouse, the college, and the marketplace. These things were all commonplace to the girl, but Felicity looked around herself in wonder at how everything was so much grander than their versions in Williamsburg, and even Baltimore. It did not take long to visit each building, so Lacey decided to take Felicity along to see several shops that she frequented with her mother.

As they walked, Lacey fell silent, and Felicity took a leap of faith to try and make the step towards getting on a more personable level with Lacey. She spoke up. "The schoolhouse looks very fine indeed. Is that where your brother is right now?"

"Aye." Lacey said dully.

"I remember that I wanted nothing more than attend the College of William and Mary in Williamsburg." Felicity sighed. "It was understood that I could never go, nor could my younger sister, Nan. But, as soon as my baby brother came of age, he would go! It all seemed very unfair."

"Is it because you are a girl?" Lacey asked. "Ezra said that there are no girls allowed."

"Indeed it was." Felicity scoffed. "It make no sense at the time. Why on Earth would girls not be allowed at the College of William and Mary? Was Mary also disallowed?" She had intended to simply bond with Lacey over this, but felt the ire of this past indignity arise.

"Boys need to learn arithmetic and language so that they may work when they grow up." Lacey recited a line that she had probably heard from somewhere else. "But, Mama and Papa both work together!"

Felicity smiled. She had a great admiration over the fact that Anna and William seemed to be partners, both in life and in work. Meanwhile, Lacey was still speaking, "Ezra went to learn how to swim, and why did not I? What if I drown?"

"I learned how to swim, and I can teach you when the winter is over." Felicity said without thinking. Inwardly she cringed, and wondered if she had gone too far with her promises.

"You can swim?" Lacey asked.

"Aye. Ben, your uncle, taught me." Felicity replied.

Lacey stopped. "You know Ben? How?" Her eyes showed a bit of confusion, as if she was trying to make the connection of who Felicity was and why she was now a member of their household.

"Ben worked for my father for many years as an apprentice." Felicity said. "He came to live with us when he was fifteen, and I but nine years old. He returned to work for us after he was done fighting in the war, and only recently did he return to Yorktown. He and I are good friends, very close indeed. He taught me how to swim, even though it is thought to be improper for girls."

"Are you and Ben going to get married?" Lacey asked, an impish smile now on her face, and Felicity was not at all surprised at the forthrightness of the question. She knew that she had likely gotten too personal with Lacey, but figured a way to use it to her advantage.

"He asked me if I would, but we need to make arrangements. First, Ben must get lots of work done. So that is why he is in Yorktown. And second, I was to come here to help out with your family, before I can even think about joining you! I need to make sure that I do well, for my future depends on it!"

"So what are you going to do to help us out? Are you going to cook and clean like Siobhan?" Lacey asked, referencing the Irish girl that was employed as a maid for the family. She thought for a moment, then corrected herself. "Then again, Siobhan does not eat meals with us like you do." Felicity realized that the girl had taken her hand, and she congratulated herself on the progress that she had made with getting Lacey to trust her.

"I was hoping that I could teach you some of the things that your brother is learning at school. Would that be agreeable to you?" Felicity made sure to smile, despite the nervousness she felt on the inside.

"Aye, that would be agreeable indeed." Lacey said, still holding Felicity's hand.

Felicity gave a genuine smile at this small victory.

…..

 _Clop…..Clop….Clop…._

That was the steady sound of the hoovefalls of Rosie the mare as she trotted steadily on the King's Road in the northbound direction. Ben looked ahead, and noticed the first sign of snowfall in the form of intermittent flurries that stuck to his eyelashes and melted upon his nose. He had been traveling for eight days now and was nearing Baltimore. But, he merely planned on by-passing the city in favor of keeping good time. He had been avoiding inns, choosing instead to camp out but would opt for an inn the night before his arrival to Philadelphia, so that he may have a hot bath and a shave to make himself presentable for her. Despite his solitary method of travel, he kept pace with a lot of the same folks also headed northbound, and occasionally shared a conversation and food with other travelers. He had told himself to perhaps keep an eye out for women who were traveling alone so that he was there to help if needed, but he soon realized that there were none. Women travelers would often form their own groups on the road; looking out for other solo women and staying rightfully wary of men. He knew right away that if Felicity had indeed fled in secrecy to Philadelphia, she would have easily been taken up by one of these groups. The thought made him smile, and he imagined her as having the time of her life on the road.

 _And I, am I also having the time of my life on the road?_

 _Things actually are quite fine out here._

As Ben set out, he initially was apprehensive about one aspect of his method of travel. He worried that it would bring back too many memories of his time as a soldier; all of the endless marches, neverending hunger, and the ill and unsanitary conditions, coupled with the rare, yet probable presence of British troops. He had indeed put himself back out in the wild just as he was as a soldier, but it was only a calm, quiet peace that he felt. He had Rosie, plenty of food in his pack, a flask of rum, and the sounds of birdsong in his ears. Occasionally other travelers would break out into song, and he would join in if he knew the words. If anything, he was reminded of the peace that he felt when he would go riding with Felicity.

 _Perhaps Felicity and I could ride this way back to Williamsburg in a few months to arrange our engagement._

 _It would have to be before I left for Europe._ A dead weight settled in his chest as he realized that he had no idea how he was going to tell her this.

 _It could all be a moot point, especially if she does not love me anymore._

 _I need to get to Philadelphia, so that I may know the truth._

He nudged Rosie to encourage her on, and in response she merely tossed her head and slowed down. Ben decided not to push her much harder and pulled on the reins, then jumped down. He pulled away some of the stiffness in his back and re-took the reins, walking alongside her so that he may yet put a few more miles behind him before the night fell.

…..

Felicity settled down in the parlor to go over a stack of essays that she had purchased in the market. It was all quiet in the household; the two elder children were at their respective music lessons, William was away, Anna was working in her office with baby Sybil, and Felicity understood that she was not to be disturbed. She decided to take advantage of this time to figure out a strategy for her next lesson. She had been pleased to find out that Lacey could read at a fluent level, so she figured that she would start working on reading comprehension and literature. She picked up the first essay, and began to read.

 _It all began on a sunny day, as Molly the milk maid carried three silver buckets so that she may begin milking Blossom, the family cow. She stopped at the apple tree and saw that it was full of apples. Unable to resist, she plucked one of the apples from the tree and took a bite. It was sweet and sour, just like the promise of the day….._

Felicity cringed at the poor writing, and impatiently began to skim the page.

 _On the way to the barn, she waved to greet Luke, the handsome son of the governor. He gave her a big smile and walked towards her. As he grew closer, she noticed he carried flowers for her…_

This made her scoff. A governor's son would never sink himself down to romance a milk maid. At best, he would probably only entice her to become his mistress. And if he did in fact truly love her and she him, his parents would never accept it! She tossed the story aside, and began to read the next one.

 _Caroline took the hand of her younger sister Catherine and the two girls skipped merely on their way to visit their grandmother. With them they carried posies that they had happily gathered together, as it was one of their favorite activities…._

Once again, Felicity stopped reading. She imagined how she would never do anything so happily with Nan, as everything she did with the younger girl was almost always guaranteed to devolve into snide remarks and fighting. She put this essay aside and took up the next one.

 _Isabelle smiled as her mother looked proudly upon her finished sampler…._

 _Not this one either._ Never once in her recent memory has her mother looked proudly upon any stitching that she had done. She tossed this essay away and sighed, wondering if she could instead choose select passages from books that she had read as of recently.

As she was mentally going over the list of books she had on hand, there was a knock at the door. She straightened up instinctively, and relaxed as she heard Siobhan rushing to answer it, followed by the sound of the girl's strange, yet endearing accent. Then, she heard the caller's voice, and while she was too far away to fully understand what was being said, its tones carried a familiarity to her that caused her entire body to tense and her heart to beat rapidly.

As if in a trance, she rose up and made her way to the font hall. There, standing at the door and brushing snow off his shoulders was Ben.

He looked up and gave her a smile. "I'll never get used to the amount of snow that falls here!" He took off his coat and handed it to Siobhan, who curtseyed and hurried away.

Felicity waded through some of the shock that still pervaded her mind and finally surfaced. "Ben, what on Earth, how in the world….how is it that you are here?" She struggled, and failed to prevent the next words that came out of her mouth, "Are you even here?"

Ben chuckled, the sound so alien, yet so familiar to her. "My sister tells me that she hired a governess that had red hair and green eyes. So, I had to come meet her for myself." He bowed low to her, and she caught on, giving him a curtsey in return. "Pleased to make your acquaintance, Sir," she positively giggled. _Ben has arrived, he is here, he has come to see me!_

"Felicity," His voice sounded again, "So you are indeed happy to see me?" She looked up and saw that his expression had become solemn, a desperate edge to his voice. She frowned, trying figure out what the cause of his sudden unease was. In lieu of her silence, he spoke up again. "I received your letter, and I…I imagined that you had grown tired of my absence."

"Beg pardon?" She thought back to the letters she had sent in that strange, confusing time that happened between the incident at Publick Times to her departure from Williamsburg, "Oh, I know of what you are speaking of," she blushed a little, "I am so sorry, I wasn't fully in my right mind when I wrote that…I can explain it all to you. I sent another letter to you, you did not receive it?"

"I must have missed it." Ben said, shaking his head and suddenly looking lost in thought. It was just for a moment before he turned back to her, "Lissie…," He paused, and Felicity felt a lump forming in her throat at the sound of his voice as he said her nickname, "I am so happy to see you."

"And I you!" Felicity swallowed against the lump in her throat and smiled back at him as she finally felt herself coming back to Earth after finally comprehending that Ben was here, with her, at his sister's house in Philadelphia.

Ben glanced up the stairwell. "I should bring my things upstairs and sort through them. I believe the snow soaked through my pack. Anna instructed me to take the upstairs bedroom at the end of the hallway." He looked back at Felicity, who had caught on to the notion that Anna knew of Ben's arrival.

 _Have I ever had such a lovely surprise?_ She suddenly felt the urge to clap her hands like a child, but suppressed it and focused on the necessities. "Where is your travel chest?"

"It was such a large, cumbersome thing; I simply had to leave it behind. Everything that I truly needed fit right in my pack." He slung it over his shoulder, took her by the hand, and went towards the stairs, Felicity following as if she was back in her trance, placed there by the feeling of Ben's hand around hers. As they arrived in the room, Ben tossed his pack down and started rummaging through it. "I admit now that I will need to purchase new clothes."

"Does that mean that you are staying for awhile?" Felicity asked, now finding herself contemplating the idea of her and Ben settling down in Philadelphia. It was a fine thought indeed.

"Four months." Ben said simply. "My new position requires that I work for the office here for four months." He ran a hand through his hair and pulled out a stack of letters from his pack. "I brought these along so that I might give them back to you, if you had indeed grown tired of me. I am so happy to find that was completely unnecessary." He stood up and gave her a weak smile, and her heart ached at the thought of how affected he had been by her letter. "I am so, so sorry about that, I did not mean to worry you so."

Ben smiled and held out his arms, and Felicity closed the gap between them, letting his arms wrap around her and setting there for just a moment, basking in the feeling of his embrace before she returned it. As she wrapped her arms around him, he buried his face in her neck and spoke with a muffled voice. "I missed you so much." She replied by squeezing him tighter, taking in the feel of his ribcage, his scent, the softness of his hair, and the slight scratchiness of his cheek.

After what seemed like both a moment and an eternity they broke apart, and Felicity saw that Ben's eyes were shining. He blinked to compose himself, and Felicity felt her own eyes well up, making her give an embarrassed laugh that Ben echoed. They stood in silence for a moment more before Ben finally spoke up. "Lissie, may I…may I kiss you?" He blushed, and she thought back to all of the times that he had just gone ahead and stolen kisses from her when he knew they were out of eyesight. Indeed, there was a shyness to this reunion, reminiscent of when he had just confessed his feelings to her.

She found herself blushing as well as she nodded an affirmative. He leaned in and brushed his lips against hers; the moment so brief and so very reminiscent of the night of the tavern brawl. She then took her hand and placed it against his cheek, and in response he closed his eyes and leaned into her palm.

 _There are so many things that we need to talk about, and now we have so much time to talk about them._ A great sense of relief passed over her as she began to comprehend that their seemingly endless time apart was over. There would be no more endless waits for letters, no more trying to read between the lines of what was written, no more wondering if there were secrets or things remaining unsaid.

They could now plan for the future, for Ben was here, with her.

…..

A/N:

1) Lots of things happened in this chapter, and I was feeling a little wary of that. Then I remembered that in real life, sometimes we have weeks/months/years of nothing much, then many things can happen in a short period in time. Case in point: My contract ended, I secured a new job, had a stroke, and got emergency brain surgery all within one week (I'm all better now).

2) Felicity's parents finally giving her blessing to leave on account of her safety was my original plan, but a part of me did really want her to run away on her own through the backcountry. But, that would have added a dimension of the plot that would be very difficult to fit in.

3) This is probably the last marathon chapter I'll write. The previous 2 chapters were a factor of me wanting to get to "G" happening, so therefore I would need to write "A", "B," "C," "D," "E," and "F" before I could publish it. The next few chapters will hopefully be a more manageable 6000-9000 words, to be finished and put out for frequently than once a month.


	17. Chapter 17

Ben laid upon his back on top of what was to be his bed for the next four months. He took a deep breath, feeling more of the tension that had built up due to his long ride and the uncertainty melt away. One of his arms was crossed behind his head, the fingers of his other hand were laced into Felicity's. He closed his eyes and was content to just bask in the happiness that he felt as he laid next to her, and the relief that his fears were completely unfounded. The pure joy that she had expressed upon his unannounced visit still radiated off of her, and it was an experience that he knew he would remember forever.

He opened his eyes and turned towards her, and grinned when he realized that she had been watching him the whole while. "Like what you see?" He asked.

"I still cannot believe that you are here. I worry now that this has all been but a dream." Felicity said.

Ben rolled over onto his side so that he was now facing her. "That is indeed worrisome on your part. How may I ease your fears?"

Felicity looked down upon her hand, which was entwined in Ben's. She traced her thumb up and down the bridge between his thumb and forefinger. "This is something that cannot be instantaneously solved. You will just have to remind me every single day that you are here." She looked at him and grinned, and he saw a bit of concern in her eyes, that perhaps she did have a small, legitimate belief that this was all some dream.

"Perhaps I should not have opted to show up unannounced." Ben said, "But, truth be told, I wanted to see your pure reaction towards me." He immediately wondered if he should have kept this to himself and just let their happy reunion continue in peace.

"Beg pardon? My pure reaction?" Felicity asked, her eyebrow raised.

"Well," Ben chose his words carefully. "That letter you sent to me. I wondered if I had lost you. I wanted to see if it was true, and I felt like the best way was to surprise you."

To his relief, Felicity laughed. "You were worried that I would put on some kind of act that I hated you? Why, you flatter me, but you must know by now that I am terrible at play-acting!"

Ben smiled and shrugged. "I suppose it was a silly notion. Still," he put on a serious expression, "That letter was indeed very concerning. It wore on my mind the entire way here." He did not want to add the reason why he was here at all, was because he felt that was his last chance to prove himself to her.

Felicity looked down at the hand that was clasped with his, a slight flush on her face. "I…I was not in a right mind when I wrote that. I am truly sorry for making you worry, and I do hope that in time, you put it out of your mind. I do still love you, very much so!"

Ben's curiosity got the best of him. "What happened? Were you ill?"

Felicity pressed her lips together as if she were searching her words. "I promise I will tell you soon." Ben frowned slightly, ready to protest against a perceived secret. As if Felicity were reading his mind, she quickly added, "It is a long story and I just want to focus on you right now. And please, do not worry. It is completely inconsequential, with no bearing whatsoever on us."

Ben sighed. "Okay, but I would like to know what had provoked you. I hope that you do remember to tell me." It had been his instinct to convince her to tell him, but he knew that he also held his own secret for the time being. It would be hypocritical to force it out of her. He looked at her, and saw that her eyes were still downcast. To ease her mind, he gently put two fingers under her chin, and raised her head back up so that she might look at him. "I don't mean to pry. I too want to just enjoy being here with you after so long apart."

Felicity gave him a small smile, and his eyes focused on her mouth. Since their reunion a mere forty-five minutes ago they had shared an embrace and a kiss that was rather chaste as compared to some of their previous experiences. Truth be told, he was feeling some residual shyness that was likely due to their extensive time apart, and he could tell that she was likely feeling the same way. But now, as he watched her, he had to speak up. "Lissie, may I kiss you again?"

A slight flush appeared on her face and she smiled wider. "I'll permit it." She then rolled partway on to her back, and he moved closer to her and hovered over her, his lips meeting hers. He had meant it to just be instantaneous, but she prolonged it for a moment more, her arm snaking around his back.

"I missed this." Ben said, for lack of a more insightful comment.

"Missed what?" Felicity laughed, "kissing you inside of a bedroom that was not yours? I can't say that this has ever happened!"

"Pardon?" Ben asked.

"The thought just occurred to me," Felicity explained, "things are very different here. Your sister knows about us, so we need not hide. I mean," She flushed slightly, "We cannot behave in a brazen manner, of course, but we are not a secret."

"Of course." Ben said as he rolled onto his back. "Things are indeed different now." In his mind, he still had a million questions, and started with the most pressing one. "Lissie, how did you get up to Philadelphia? I knew there was a good chance that your mother and father would not permit you to go. You didn't…did you run away?"

Felicity laughed. "No. It was on my mind to do so, after Mother and Father initially refused. I made one last try to convince them, and when they refused once again, I made plans to just steal away and make my way up north with Penny. Then, the next day, they relented! I rode up here in comfort with Mr. and Mrs. Wentworth. Do you remember them?"

"Ah, yes, yes I do." Ben thought back. "They were neighbors of your grandfather that later moved to Williamsburg, am I correct?"

"Yes!" Felicity said. "Proud loyalists for quite some time, but now they just like to blend in like the Coles."

"You know, I had the strangest encounter with Mr. Wentworth some time back. I am convinced that he and his wife knew about the two of us before we were found out. He was so close to outing us in front of your father." Ben smiled at the memory. "I still remember your brother laughing about it." His thought patterns shifted to his next question. "How is William, by the way? Oh, and Nan? What about Polly?" _And how are you? What happened to you?_ In the back of his mind, he knew that one of his motivations was to gather enough details so that he might piece together the reasons behind the tone of Felicity's more recent letters.

Indeed, Felicity had a faraway, almost troubled look in her mind. She snapped to attention as he stopped speaking and watched her. "My apologies, I missed what you last said. Were you asking about my brother?"

"I was." Ben replied, desperately wishing that he could read her thoughts.

"He and my sisters are exactly as you left them." Felicity replied. "Polly was angry that I was leaving, but I think that she will understand in time."

It was on Ben's mind to ask about Mr. and Mrs. Merriman, but he had a feeling that it would make Felicity upset. He remembered how angry they had been when the two of them were found out, and had a feeling that they had something to do with her discontent.

Just then, Felicity interrupted his thoughts with a question of her own. "So if I am thinking correctly, you rode all the way here, with only the clothes on your back and whatever else would fit into your bag?"

Ben smiled. "Aye, I did."

Felicity grinned at him. "I am so jealous. 'Tis true that I was very comfortable in the Wentworth's riding chair and having a bed to sleep in every night, but a part of me wishes that I had stolen away backcountry, just like you did. So wild and free."

"I didn't go backcountry." Ben corrected her, "I took the King's Road. Backcountry would have been a little difficult, and perhaps a bit dangerous."

"Oh." Felicity said. "I was thinking that the Kings Road would have been dangerous for me to travel alone. At least backcountry I could stay out of sight."

"I would think so as well, but women tend to make fast friends on the road and agree to travel together. A fair few ladies would scowl at me and touch their rifles when I they felt I was too close." Ben said.

Felicity said nothing, merely nodding. A silence passed between them, and Ben felt compelled to speak again. "You were my main motivation for traveling as I did. I would have needed another horse, as Rosie could not have pulled a riding chair all the way to Philadelphia. Then, I needed a riding chair. There were too many unnecessary delays. I just needed to get to you as soon as possible."

"I am so glad you did." Felicity said. "But trust me when I say that I did write you a second letter, more fitting to the recipient! But tell me," her expression turned serious, "Would you have settled down and waited for your riding chair if you had received my second letter?"

 _I wouldn't be here at all_. Ben thought. _I would have turned down the position on account of it taking me so far away from you for another two years._ He struggled to find a way to answer her question without telling a boldfaced lie. "I don't know." He said, "when I….once I….once I have it in my mind that I might see you, I am well on my way." In his heart, he knew this was true, albeit quite vague. Luckily, Felicity seemed to accept his reply. She moved closer to him and kissed him so very quickly that he nearly did not have time to return it. "I'm thinking that I may need to return to my work. I was wanting to choose a few passages from one of my books for your niece to read and discuss. I had gotten a few meant for children, but they are awful, just complete drivel!"

Ben blinked as Felicity rolled away from him and sat up on the bed. He had just gotten her back, did she have to go so soon? "Lissie, wait a moment. Don't you want to lie down with me just a bit longer?"

She grinned at him. "I absolutely do! But we have so much time to spend together now, and we don't need to be careful to stay hidden." She smoothed her hair, tucking a copper red lock into her cap and adjusted her bodice. Ben couldn't help but stare. "…and don't you think you should say hello to your sister? She is in her office."

He knew that she was right. In jest, he gave what he thought was his most longing stare. "Oh, stop that!" She exclaimed, giggling. He laughed along with her as he sat up, then took a tie and bound his hair. Felicity walked to the doorway, then paused looking back. "I still fear that this is all but a dream." A complex expression passed over her face, looking like a mix of joy, concern, sadness, and wonder. She audibly exhaled and smiled. "We will talk again later."

"I look forward to it." Ben said, smiling back at her as she turned and left. He stood up, and made his way down to the room that he knew his sister kept as an office. A light knocking on the door yielded a simple response. "Yes?"

"It's Ben."

A slight pause followed before Anna answered him. "Little Brother! Do come in."

He pushed the door open, and smiled as his sister stood up to greet him. They embraced, and Ben noticed the cradle in the corner of the room. He stood on his toes so that he could see inside, not wanting to get closer lest he might wake his littlest niece up. "Is this Sibby? She has gotten so big!" When he had last visited many months ago on his final failed business venture, Sybil had been just a few months old.

"She has become a right beast. Loves her food, just like her father does!" Anna replied, then turned back towards Ben. "Let me get a look at you."

Ben instinctively put his arms at his sides, straightening up just like he did when he was a soldier, but his face held a smile.

"You look thin." Anna remarked, and gestured for him to sit down.

"That's perfectly normal for me." Ben replied. "I rode the entire way here on horseback. Food was always an afterthought."

"Right." Anna said. "We have so much to talk about, and I have some questions for you. Tell me, how are Mother and Father? What about Sarah and Charlotte?"

"Exactly as you left them." Ben borrowed this phrase from Felicity. "Mother and Father are thinking of spending Christmastide in Yorktown, then the two of them will travel here after the New Years."

"Yes, we have already talked about that." Anna said. "The question we shared was to what exactly was your Christmastide plan. Mother and Father were hesitant to bring it up with you directly, because you were always so touchy about your plans. We didn't know if you were to go away to Williamsburg, stay in Yorktown, or perhaps head off into the western wilderness!"

"It looks like I'll be here, if you will have me." Ben said. "Honestly, I was surprised that Felicity was allowed to come so soon, as Christmastide is so important to the Merrimans. They are always the host of the festivities!"

"Yes, the two of you will be here." Anna said. She then raised an eyebrow. "Now, I need some details from you, and I hope that you will be truthful and thorough since I could get no information from your letters. After all, I know where you will be sleeping every night."

Ben was fully expecting this, and he was prepared to tell Anna the full truth of his position and the conundrum that it presented. Though she was eleven years older than he was, Ben had been very close to Anna when he was a child. She caught the eye of her now-husband, William, when she was nineteen and they had married rather quickly and moved up to Philadelphia. Ben and Anna's elder sisters, Sarah and Charlotte, had married and remained in Yorktown, and while he had a good relationship with them and their families, he always had a special bond with Anna. Perhaps it was how she always spoke with him as if he were an adult, not the perpetual child view that had been cast over Ben his entire life on account of him being so much younger than all of his sisters. It was Anna along with their mother that had encouraged Ben to go after Felicity, existing suitors be damned.

So, now he would tell her everything. "It is actually a bit of a long story, and ends with a conflict and a plea for you to keep everything that I am telling you in confidence." Anna folded her hands in her lap, and nodded for him to continue. "The short of it is that my new position with the Asiatic company requires me to work here in the offices for four months. Originally, the claim was three, but it was lengthened to four. After that, they will send me on a tour to see various merchants and ports in Scandinavia, which will take about two years." He paused, and Anna looked taken back. She opened her mouth as if she were going to say something, then thought better of it.

Ben continued, "The manager of the Yorktown office told me to take a few days and think about it. I agreed to this, but was prepared to turn it down all the same. My thinking was that I couldn't ask Felicity to wait another two years for me. It's just too much."

"But here you are." Anna said. "What changed?"

Ben's mouth twisted slightly. "I came home that day, having received a letter from Felicity. It was the first letter I had received from her for quite some time; the ones before that emphasizing how unhappy she was in Williamsburg. And it was so cold, so impersonal." He nearly outwardly shivered at the memory of reading that letter. "She neatly informed me that she accepted your offer, and wished me well. And I knew right then and there, _right that instant_ , that I needed to be here, that perhaps this was my last chance to be with her. So I accepted the position. After all, if in fact she did not love me anymore, then Scandinavia perhaps would have been a good escape."

"So she does not know that you will be leaving." Anna remarked.

"She knows that I will be here for only four months, but I did not explicitly say where I was going afterwards. She likely believes I will return to Yorktown." Ben said.

"A lie by omission. You know you are going to have to tell her eventually." Anna said.

"I know. It feels terrible." Ben fought the urge to bury his face in his hands.

"Is there a chance that she might be able to go with you?" Anna asked.

Ben shook his head glumly. "I subtly asked about it, and it was an absolute no. The company men that travel abroad sometimes do take their families depending on what they will be doing and where they will go, but for this survey I'll be going through some very remote areas. So not this time."

Anna watched him for a moment before responding. "Well, if it is any consolation, I have trouble believing the notion that Felicity was ever falling out of love with you. Her face would always light up whenever you were mentioned, and she told Lacey about you as well. Lacey is determined to see the two of you married."

Ben smiled slightly at this piece of information, as well as the note about his niece. "So Felicity and Lacey are getting along well I gather?"

"As I expected." Anna replied. "I tried to make it clear to her that I did not wish for a typical governess to teach Lacey; I would do it myself if I were not so busy. I believe that Felicity is the closest mind to my own for the task. Still, she is careful. She wishes to check everything she says and does by me first."

Ben smiled. "She seems happy here. I could tell by how eager she was to leave me and get back to her preparations."

Anna gave him a light smile that did not quite reach her eyes. She was silent for a moment more, before finally speaking. "You need to tell her. She likely believes that you two have all the time in the world. The longer you wait, the worse it will be."

Ben felt his defenses rising. "I will. But for now, I have just arrived. Let us enjoy our reunion just a few days before I completely cast a shadow over everything-,"

"-And the sooner you cast that shadow, the more time you two will have to design and build a shelter from the coming rain." Anna interjected. "William and I made a promise that we would tell each other everything. And for better and worse, it has worked for us."

"Everything?"

"Everything. Gambling debts, innocent crushes on the neighbor, propositions from wealthy patrons, gastrointestinal distress…."

"You can stop now. I understand." Ben said, holding up his hands.

Anna finally gave him what looked to be a genuine smile, which Ben weakly returned. _Just tell her everything. It's easy, so very easy._

….

Felicity sat at the dinner table with Anna, William, Ben, and the children, listening intently as Ben and William discussed the winding down of the war. There had not been a large battle since Yorktown in October of the previous year, and rumors that a peace treaty was in progress had landed.

"Of course, the major decision always comes down to France, England, and Spain. Those three kingdoms hold the entire world in the palms of their hands. If we are lucky, they might just let us be." William said.

"I read that Spain wishes the war to go on. It is distracting and draining for England, and in the confusion Spain wishes to take the Strait of Gibraltar." Ben said. "But, how to make that clear? I hope these royals and diplomats realize that it's men's lives that are being lost!" He looked down at his mug of cider, and continued, "That is how the war was won, honestly. General Washington knew that he could never outright defeat the British in an open battle, so we just had to make them tire of us. That is what war really is; just making your enemy forget why he wished to fight. And eventually, France saw that England was beginning to tire, so they joined us."

Felicity frowned, suddenly reminded of something she had read in a newsletter. She spoke up, "I read that France is also exhausted. The alliance with the Colonies and all of the money that they threw at our revolution was just a show for their oldest rival, England. Now there is talk of economic unrest at home! Some ninety-five percent live in grinding poverty, and people are starving. The crown will never survive with those conditions. Perhaps they will have their own revolution soon enough." As soon as she finished speaking, she felt a little ill at ease. While her parents had never openly discouraged her from speaking politics with company, she knew that it was frowned upon. Yet, the adults in the room all nodded in agreement.

"So what will be next? Will France be too tired to continue to keep their colonies? Will they call on our aid to continue to possess parts of Africa? Ben? Would you volunteer to go?" Anna asked, partially in jest.

"I suppose I owe them a kindness." Ben grimaced and put his forehead into his hand. He seemed to think for a moment, then looked up. "Wait a minute here, I did my time! Sister, why don't you go?" He grinned at Anna, and Ezra chimed in. "I'll go, I want to fight!"

"You will take my place, Brave one?" Anna laughed. Ezra nodded, and William spoke up. "I'll have to start training you right away! I'll ask Ben to help me, of course."

"The two of you really want to go to Africa?" Ben asked.

"Anything is better than here." Ezra said. "This place is boring."

"Aye, so boring." Lacey added.

Felicity smiled at the change in conversation, and focused on Ben. He was grinning at his niece and nephew as they listened to their father speak about the French colonies in Africa. He picked his mug of cider and prepared to drink from it, then noticed her watching him. He blushed slightly at her gaze and put down his mug, then raised his eyebrows at her as if to question her gaze.

She merely grinned in response, the giddy feeling that she had all day since his surprise arrival resurfaced once again as she took in the details of his facial features, his chestnut brown hair that hung loose past his shoulders, the inches of visible collarbone, his wrists and hands. She noticed that her coral necklace was looped around his wrist, and instantly felt the weight of his signal whistle around her neck.

 _Should I return his whistle and take my necklace back?_

 _Never. I'll never give it back. The whistle is mine, and so is he._

She met his gaze, and realized that he was probably thinking similar thoughts about her. Her memory of the celebration that her parents had thrown after the victory at Yorktown resurfaced, and she once again pictured Ben seizing her ankle underneath the table and removing her shoe, then untying her garter so that he could pull her stocking down.

Her thoughts were interrupted by Siobhan. "Finished with your plate, Miss Felicity?"

She blinked, feeling her face flush as if the girl could read her thoughts. "Yes, Siobhan. Thank you very much."

Ben seemed to catch all of this, and laughed silently at her.

After dinner, Felicity retired to the parlor with the rest of the family as they sat by the fire, attending to different tasks. Anna and William were going through and discussing work-related documents, Ben was writing in a ledger, and Ezra and Lacey were gathered around a chessboard, but from what Felicity could tell, they seemed to be playing their own version.

She had a blank piece of parchment in front of her, and was determined to write a short story that Lacey could read. She had dismissed all of the short stories that were meant for children, seeing them as poorly written, shallow, and silly. There had been an attempt to go through her books as well as the books that Anna and William had to find any short passages that were suitable for the young girl, but she had found nothing that could be read easily enough. So, the task had fallen to her to come up with something with meaning, but would still be simple enough for a child who had just barely begun to read fluently.

Felicity paused as she was about to put her quill into the ink, and made sure that she truly understood what she was going to write about. She considered herself to a voracious reader, but had never really taken it upon herself to write before. Yet, she knew she had made it easy on herself by writing a story based on something that actually happened. Yes, this was a perfect subject.

She had decided to tell the story about Jiggy Nye. He owned a tannery on the outskirts of Williamsburg, and Felicity had known him when she was younger as a vicious drunk who killed animals for his work. He had previously owned Penny, her horse, but his attempts to tame her were violent and cruel. He had eventually sobered up after a stint in prison, and had become a respectable, albeit reclusive member of society once again in the years before his rather recent death. As a child, Felicity had been aware that Jiggy Nye once was a good man who had a special way with animals, however his wife's death had driven him to alcoholism and disarray. This was a sad story indeed, but Felicity had not realized, at least not until she had experienced love for herself how devastating of a notion it was that Jiggy Nye had been so enamored with his wife that her death had completely shattered him.

She glanced over at Ben. It typically never would take him long to realize that she was watching him, however several moments passed without him looking her way. He was looking over the ledger, a pensive expression on his face. _I shan't distract him now._

She resolutely put the quill to parchment, and it only took her the next hour to write out a story of Jiggy Nye in all of its complex beauty with the lesson that we must always be kind to people, for none of us know the ways that others might be suffering. As she finished, she felt sadness for the man, and hoped that he was reunited with his wife in the Great Hereafter.

After she was finished, she read over what she had written, and wondered if it was enough. It indeed was fine for a six-year old, but if she was to write for an adult audience, she would have to add more details. She had kind of glossed over how Penny had been treated for the purpose of not making Jiggy Nye sound too awful in the eyes of a young girl, but there was something else she was leaving out…

 _What was it?_

 _Oh yes…Elizabeth_. Elizabeth had been the person to first show Jiggy Nye kindness, as she insisted that the man be brought necessary medicine and a blanket as he laid in the freezing jail. At the time, Felicity thought that Elizabeth represented everything pure and good. She was Felicity conscience, and voice of reason for so many years to come. But then, she had found happiness with Felicity's former beau, and had lashed out, telling a crowd of ladies things that Felicity had told her in confidence.

Then, there was Jiggy Nye. He had clearly been the villain during a particular time in her life, yet he carried good in him. Jiggy Nye and Elizabeth seemed like two opposite sides of a coin, but looking closer, they were only human. Complex, multifaceted, contradictory humans.

 _And I, perhaps I should not be so hard on myself._ _I have my faults, but I do the best that I can._ At once she felt disappointment that there was no need to put these thoughts onto paper; they would clearly be too complex for Lacey.

 _I need to write more, to discover and explain the full complexity that we contain within ourselves._

At once, she had an idea. She remembered the anonymous letter that had been posted to the bulletin board at the town center in Baltimore, and how writing back had given her such a joy. Perhaps she would take a walk to the town bulletin here and see if there were similar letters?

She sprinkled a bit of pounce to dry the ink on her story, then glanced over at Ben once again. This time he was watching her, a smile on his face.

….

"Where did you say that we were going?" Ben asked, holding tightly onto Felicity's hand as she pulled him along.

"The town bulletin. I have a curiosity to see all of the different things that are posted there. Perhaps I can design a lesson for Lacey." Felicity replied. She had insisted that she meet Ben outside of the building that housed the Asiatic company offices during his midday break. She had no real need for Ben to escort her, but nonetheless delighted in walking hand-in-hand with him through the busy streets.

"Or, we could head to the baker's shop. It is early afternoon, aren't you hungry at all?" Ben picked up his pace, catching up to her.

"There is plenty of time for that as well, no? What time are they expecting you to return?" Felicity asked.

"Two o'clock." Ben said. "Although I wouldn't mind getting started just a few minutes beforehand so I know of what I will be speaking about."

"So, plenty of time." Felicity smiled, feeling the crisp December air around her face, the warmth of Ben's hand holding hers, and seeing all of the people around her smile at the two of them.

The Philadelphia city bulletin was labeled as though it tried to have some sort of order to it, but there were so many random notifications, letters, and advertisements cobbled everywhere that the entire system seemed to lead to chaos. She started at the far left side and let her eyes scan everything.

 _Cooks needed for a series of banquets….Guitars for sale…Desperately seeking my missing brother…_

Ben had started at the far left side with her, although out of speed or disintrest, he walked to the center of the board and looked at notifications there.

She kept looking, and finally found a cluster of notices with "Advice needed" written on the top. Perhaps it was a hallmark of the bulletin. Many of the letters had a series of replies pinned to them, as if this was a conversation between anonymous strangers. She skimmed over the series of letters, finding one that had no such replies, pinned near the top of the board. She reached up to retrieve it, then began to read.

 _December 8_ _th_ _, 1782_

 _Dear Stranger,_

 _I am in need of a bit of advice or perhaps some words of encouragement. I am seventeen years old, and thinking that I must find myself a suitor. My friends and I have taken it upon ourselves to attend many parties so that we may be seen, but I admit that I become so exhausted with the noise and all of the people that I find I must leave early. And in the cases where I resolutely make myself stay, I often withdraw and feel most irritable. My friends tell me that they cannot keep dragging me along as I put a damper on everything and I agree with them._

 _I know I will never attract the attention of a good man if I just remain in my home. So, how do I go about finding my own quiet, peaceful man? Or perhaps will you offer some advice on how to put myself at ease at parties?_

 _Thank you for your attention,_

 _Mouse_

"My advice is to stick to the food table." Felicity whirled around, and saw that Ben had come up behind her. "Pardon?" She asked, hoping that he would explain his thinking.

"At parties, she must stay by the food table. She can distract herself by eating, and wait for a man to come to her." Ben said, as though it were the most obvious thing in the world. "Think about it, Lissie. If she does not find a man to talk with her, then at least she has had her fill of delicious food. She wins either way."

"Hm," Felicity said. "Women are told not to eat so much at parties as it is most improper to appear as a glutton. My advice to her was that if she feels she must go to parties, to brush up on and not be shy with her dancing.

Ben shook his head. "This is Philadelphia, and most of the folks around here are Quakers. They don't dance."

"Pardon?" Felicity asked. _No dancing?_

"'Tis seen as frivolous." Ben said. "I suppose at some parties there is dancing, but 'tis not a normal thing. There are not public dances here like there are in Virginia." He saw the surprised expression on her face. "The southern colonies are very different than the northern colonies. I suppose Philadelphia is not so bad. Up in New England, folks are very strictly religious. It is where the Puritans settled, after all. Dancing is seen as sinful, and you will not find it anywhere."

Felicity was quiet, as she was suddenly having second thoughts about settling down here in Philadelphia. Meanwhile, Ben kept speaking as if he were voicing his thoughts. "Then again, hard religious folks tend to be very hypocritical. Many of those religious folks also work in the slave trade, and Boston has the biggest whorestown of all the colonies." Felicity gave him a look, and he held up his hands. "This is only what I have been told, of course."

Felicity decided to ignore that last comment for the moment, and focused back on the letter. "I suppose our writer here simply wants to hear that it is okay to not wish to go to parties. And that is completely fine. So, she needs advice on finding a good suitor in her quiet, everyday life. I feel as though I have an answer, but I perhaps need to think on it." She pocketed the letter.

"So," Ben said, "Are we finished here? May I escort you to the bakery?" He offered the crook of his elbow, and she grinned at him and took it.

Fifteen minutes later found the two of them with cheese croissants and coffee, sitting by the fire at the guest area. Felicity's mind was still on the letter. "If she does not like parties, I wonder what she does like to do. Perhaps she might find a man with a common hobby. Or," She was thinking out loud, "Perhaps I should think about how the married people I know met. I could use some ideas."

"I would imagine that you have been giving the same advice to Elizabeth. Was it her that needed to wait until she was eighteen? Or am I thinking of someone else?" Ben asked.

"That was Elizabeth, but she has not reached out to me for advice." Felicity knew this was a truth, but she suddenly had a guilty feeling, as though she had just told a lie.

"Hm," Ben said. "How is Elizabeth anyways? You have not yet mentioned her to me."

The words rolled off Felicity's tongue. "As happy as can be, I assure you." This was also a truth, as far as she knew. But at the same time, she knew she needed to get off of the subject of Elizabeth. Everything involving Joseph, the events that led to Felicity's falling out with her former best friend, and the events that happened afterwards. Perhaps she would tell him someday, but for now…common sense told her to not make any mention of her former suitor.

Ben nodded. "And Nan? You mentioned in one of your letters that she fancied a guitar maker's apprentice. What happened from there?"

Felicity laughed. "It turns out that the feeling was not mutual! He in turn fancied one of her friends; do you remember Sylvie? Nan brushed it off like a queen, but I could tell that it was a serious blow to her ego."

Ben smiled slightly at this. "What about William? I suppose he is still too young to be interested in girls."

Felicity thought about William, and a secret that she continued to hold for him. "William is…different. I expect it may be a few years for him." _Or not at all._

Ben nodded, and Felicity begin to catch onto his rather neurotic mood. Despite making it obvious that he had been wanting lunch, he had barely touched his croissant. "Do you know the story of how your mother and father found each other?" He asked, his palms on the table.

Felicity frowned. "Mother had two suitors vying for her hand, and she chose one of them. That was my father. Is there something on your mind? You have fired five questions at me in the last thirty seconds. This is a little peculiar. Tell me what you are thinking."

Ben gave an exasperated shrug and took a deep breath, focusing on her. "Lissie I feel I am going mad. I wish you would tell me what prompted you to write that cold letter to me. I have been trying to piece it together, but I simply cannot be sure."

 _Oh_. Felicity suddenly felt guilty for keeping it to herself, she knew she likely would be feeling the same way if she were in Ben's place.

"-I know it is a long story, but perhaps you could give me a shorter version of it for now?" Ben pleaded with her.

"Actually, it is not a long story at all, just a little upsetting so I did not want to think about it earlier. 'Twould have cast a shadow over our happy reunion." Felicity said. She had been grappling with the dilemma over how much she would tell Ben of her troubles in Williamsburg. She leaned towards telling him very little, as she was not sure how he would react.

"Believe me, I can understand that." Ben said, looking marginally more relaxed as if he was relieved to have said what was on the forefront of his mind.

Felicity got right into it. "Stewart Andrews hit me in the face. It was extremely violent, and it laid me flat. My head felt funny the next two days. It caused me to sleep late, behave impulsively, and my mind wandered in a most frustrating way. I wrote that letter to you while my mind was completely scattered." She looked at him with what she hoped were pleading eyes. "I hope you can forgive me for it."

Ben stared at her in disbelief. "Yes…yes of course I forgive you. I beg your pardon though…Stewart Andrews…he did what? How did this occur?"

Felicity took a deep breath, and decided that she would re-hash the story as she did with her parents. "It was during Publick Times. I realized that your signal whistle was no longer around my neck. The cord had been frayed…anyways I luckily found it in the street and was digging it out. Andrews approached me and told me his friend had the cord and to come with him; I stupidly followed him behind the tavern. He then revealed that he had it all along and wouldn't give it back unless I joined him for an ale. I flat-out refused and demanded that he give it back. He then shoved me to the ground and hit me."

Ben was still staring at her, his mouth slightly open. He shook his head slightly at her silence. "Lissie, I cannot believe…how did you get away?"

"Will Barnes saw what was happening and helped me home. He swore to Andrews that he would beat him senseless over this." Felicity said.

"And did he?" Ben asked.

Felicity thought for a moment. "Come to think of it, I don't know."

Ben shook his head. "Andrews. He made comments about you. I overheard them. This was when you were still with the physician. He is completely rotten. I'll kill him." A flush had appeared across his face, and his disjointed sentences were beginning to concern Felicity.

"Ben." Felicity said clearly. "Please calm down. I am okay."

Ben shook his head. "No. It's not okay for me to…I can't…It's not right that I leave you alone for such a long time. You see? This is all of my fault." He took a deep breath, and avoided her gaze. "I can't just leave you alone. I need to be there with you." He stressed the last sentence, putting his palms onto the table, his eyes cast downward.

Felicity was a little surprised by Ben's overreaction. She reached out and put her hand on top of his. "Ben, it's okay. I am fine. There is no lasting damage. And I know now that I was a fool for trusting him."

"No, it's not that. I….I just….I just need to be there." Ben's eyes were shining, and Felicity felt terrible to have given him such a deep sense of guilt.

"Please." Felicity implored him. "That all happened in the past. And now I am here, with you. We were apart for so long, and that is over. There is so much lost time to make up for. Ben-," She repeated his name, hoping that he would snap out of his mood. "Look at me. I am fine, and you are with me. Please." She squeezed his hand.

Ben blinked once, twice, and after a good moment, the hard expression on his face softened. "I'm sorry. Yes. I hope you can forgive my absence. I should have been there."

Felicity smiled. "All is forgiven. I am so happy you are here."

Ben finally returned her smile. It was weak, but it was a good start.

…..

 **A/N:**

1) This is a bit of a slower chapter as compared to the two more recent ones, but it serves to set up our final act

2) In my opinion, hanging out at the food table is the best party strategy, especially if there is no dancing.

3) I feel some regret that I did not write the final section from Ben's POV; he was definitely expressing some hard thoughts that I hoped came through.

4) What a coincidence! The next chapter will cover Christmastide!


	18. Chapter 18

**A quick A/N** : There are some mature themes in this chapter. Sorry kids…..

…

"How far along are you with reading this?"

Ben looked over his shoulder to see Felicity holding his copy of _The Decameron_ , open about two-thirds of the way through. An impish smile was on her face, and her eyes sparkled with delight. "Not very far," he admitted, "perhaps I only brought it because you might like it. Are you finding good material for Lacey?"

Felicity chuckled. "Heavens, no. None of this is appropriate for a child."

"My mistake." Ben set his quill down and turned towards Felicity. "But judging by the look on your face, I see that there is something good about it?"

"One of the stories here is completely charming. Well, perhaps that is not the intention of the author, but I find it completely charming nonetheless." Felicity said, "It is the one about the Nightingale. Have you read it?"

"Doesn't ring a bell." Ben said. "Tell me why it has enthralled you so?"

"Well," Felicity began, "It is the story of a young woman and a young man, who secretly love each other. When they have made each other's feelings known, they plan to meet by moonlight. The girl tells her parents that it is simply too hot to sleep inside, and she needs to hear the songs of the nightingales to be able to sleep. They permit it, and she meets the young man upon the outside balcony, where she has prepared a bed for the two of them. They make love to the point of exhaustion and both fall asleep, where they are discovered the next morning by her parents. Mother and Father are considerably angry and rage, for she is their only child and is no longer a virgin. They demand that the two of them get married, right this instant, lest there be a scandal! Can you imagine?" She paused and looked at Ben, the smile not leaving her face.

"I'll wager that the two of them are just fine with this." Ben commented, then had a second thought. "Wait a minute, are we sure that the boy wants this? Literature is full of men who are scoundrels." He knew that he was quoting his mother, word for word.

"Oh, this boy is not a scoundrel. He is as lovesick over the girl as she is with him, and happily waits for the priest to arrive with no intention of escaping. But that is not the point here." Felicity waved her hand dismissively, "The point is that while the servants surround the teenagers so that they cannot escape as they wait for the priest, the girl's mother and father slip away. As soon as they are out of sight, they reveal that they are actually delighted and can barely contain their excitement! For the boy is from a very good family, and a marriage will improve the family social standing greatly! So, they all lived happily ever after."

"Hm." Ben said, thinking it over. "That is quite charming." _Perhaps it wasn't enough that Lissie and I were caught simply exchanging words. Perhaps we needed to be caught…together…._ He forced his mind to not go any further, and hoped that Felicity did not see him blushing. _Perhaps, if I had gotten into trouble with Felicity, my parents would have stepped in to offer their full support, and Mr. and Mrs. Merriman would have agreed that a rapid marriage was the best way to go._

 _But, that does not matter now. There still would have been much damage to repair, for I am not of nobility_. He looked at Felicity, and wondered if he should ask for details on why she found it so charming. Perhaps she had the same thoughts that he did.

Felicity looked back up and returned his gaze. She raised her eyebrows in question, "What's on your mind?"

Ben figured there was no need to keep his questions internalized. "I agree that it is a charming story, but, what are your thoughts on it? Why do you like it so much, than,-" he struggled to come up with an alternative example of a story where everyone ended up happy, "A Midsummer Night's Dream?"

"Hm," Felicity frowned and put her knuckle to her lips in thought, "I think A Midsummer Night's Dream is also very charming, but I don't know why you would compare the two. I suppose I liked the Nightingale for how simple it is, and how silly the parents are in feigning outrage."

Ben considered her words. It was clear that she liked the simplicity of it, the idea that an illicit night together would result in an immediate and permanent union, and secondly, how the parents should just be forthright with their blessing.

 _These are two aspects that we did not have._

 _This shows that Felicity regrets how our entire mockery of a courtship has gone, and I am going to have to eventually make it much worse_

"Hey," Felicity interrupted his intrusive thoughts, "It is just a silly story, like most of these tales. This was written for citizens fleeing the plague-infested cities to take their mind off of all of the death around them. Sometimes we do not need to find a deeper meaning."

Ben blinked and dismissed his previous thoughts, re-focusing on her. "Of course. I agree completely." He knew that he needed to do a better job of keeping these intrusive thoughts at bay. "Would you bookmark the story for me? I should perhaps read it myself."

"Maybe you should read it now." Felicity said, a small smile on her face. "Take a break from the endless amount of work that you do. It is Sunday; aren't we all supposed to be resting?"

"Beg pardon?" Ben asked incredulously, "I should not be working? What about yourself? You can't fool me, Felicity Merriman, you pretend to be reading all of the time, but I know you are just gathering items and thoughts and ideas for lessons and for your writing. I see you." He raised his chin ever so-slightly as if to challenge her. Felicity had always had a love for books, but lately she had taken it up to a level that he had not seen before. She had also begun to write her own short stories and was working with his sister, Anna, to see if she might get them published. It was Ben's complete, almost unbiased opinion that they were quite good.

Following his lead, Felicity closed the book and narrowed her eyes at him, then stood up and strode across the room so that she stood right in front of him. "And what are you going to do about it?" She kept her gaze severe, but Ben could see a smile tugging at her lips. He felt himself smiling as he reached his arms around her cinched waist and pulled her closer. "Perhaps…perhaps we just need to convince ourselves to stop and take a break." He said, looking up at her.

In response, she drew down to him and kissed him softy on the lips, the sensation of her fingertips running lightly along his jaw. He felt his hands press into the small of her back and her opposite hip, guiding her around so that she would sit in his lap. Now, the two of them were face to face. He blinked and kept his breath steady as he took in the details of her features, from her soft green eyes, the slight crinkle in her nose, and the small part in her lips.

The corners of her lips turned upwards in a smile that was small, but recognizable as a true reflection of the warmth that he was feeling on the inside. He reached out and ran the back of his fingers across her cheek, then brushed back a few tendrils of copper red hair. She closed her eyes in response, and he leaned in and kissed her softly at first, much like she had, feeling her arms wrap around his back, her hands weaving up towards his shoulders and back down again. He broke away from the kiss and buried his face in her neck for just a moment before placing a series of light kisses from her collarbone up to her jawline. He then vaguely felt her hand grapple with the bottom of his shirttail before pulling it upwards. She pressed her lips against his once again as if to distract him, and he felt her hand move up underneath his shirt and travel along the skin of his back.

A feeling of pleasure rolled through his belly, traveling up through his chest and down to his fingertips, which scrabbled along Felicity's stays as if to look for similar access. There was nothing, as her bodice was laced as tightly as could be and he could not for the life of him find the ties. Making sure to maintain the kiss as best he could and trying not to get too distracted by the fact that both of her hands were now underneath his shirt, he moved his hands down to where her bodice met the top of her gown, and searched for any kind of opening there. But, there was nothing. The growing frustration that he felt, and the intensity of the sensation of Felicity's hand just below his breast compelled him to wrap both of his arms around her tightly, twist around in the chair, and propel himself backwards so that they both toppled out of the chair.

"Oof," he uttered as he hit the ground, Felicity landing comfortably on top of him. She burst out laughing. "What was that? What compelled you to abandon ship like that?" He merely grinned at her. "Evasive actions." She scooted up so that her face was level with his and kissed him again, her fingers moving through and pressing into his chest and shoulders. Her toes pressed into and seemed to curl around his feet, a sensation that he didn't realize would be so magnificent. He let his lips part slightly against hers and felt her tongue flick out ever so slightly and run along his upper lip. This, combined with the feeling of her entire body pressed against his as she lay atop him started to wake something _else_ in his body, something that he had little control over.

He groaned, forcing his instincts back and realizing that he could not just wish it away. "Lissie, I think…I think I have to stop."

Felicity paused, staring at him. He flushed bright red at the confusion flashing through her green eyes as she pushed herself off of him into a kneeling position. "Oh…I think….I understand. I'm so sorry." A similar flush went through her face, and she gave an awkward laugh, putting a hand over her mouth.

Ben sighed in spite of himself, then gave her a wry smile. "Don't be sorry, on the contrary." He sat up and ran a hand through his hair.

"Men have a point of no return, don't they?" Felicity asked. He looked up, a bit surprised at her boldness, but saw only curiosity in her expression. He struggled to explain himself. "In a way, yes. It is best if we stop by a certain point if we have to. But men also are not complete animals, or, at least most men are not. Do you understand me?" He faltered a bit, and felt himself flush once again. "Please don't make me explain it further."

Felicity grinned at him. "I can see how this is mildly uncomfortable for you, perhaps in more ways than one!"

Ben scoffed, and made an attempt to turn the tables on her. "Tell me, do women have a point of no return?"

To her credit, Felicity looked skyward as if she were seriously thinking about it. Ben saw a flush start to creep across her cheeks before she answered. "I think so, yes. But perhaps it is not as straightforward as it is for men. I feel as though…," she seemed to get lost in her own thoughts, "…like I am desperately searching for something, and the more I seek it, the more desperate I am to find it. I imagine that my desperation might reach a point that it is insatiable….and…"

At that moment, Ben heard the sound of the front door flinging open, followed by Lacey barreling into the parlor where Ben and Felicity sat. Ezra was right at her heels.

"Ben! Ben! You have to hide your eyes right now! Don't look, we have gifts for you!"

"You can't look! Ezra, you stand guard while I help Mama hide his presents!"

Felicity spoke up, "I'll watch him to make sure he does not turn around."

Lacey nodded at her. "If he insists on looking, you need to tackle him and hold him down!"

"I won't fail!" Felicity's expression held a mock seriousness.

Ben whipped his head back to Lacey, trying to wrap his head around what all was happening. He was torn between amusement at his niece's insistence that Felicity physically hold him down if need be, and disappointment that Felicity did not finish her explanation of her " _insatiable desperation_."

"Ben looks confused." Ezra commented. He stuck his palm in front of Ben's face and waved it around. "Uncle, are you there? Did you remember that tomorrow is your birthday?"

"Of course I remember." Ben said, coming to his senses. "In fact, I am thinking up a list of foods for everyone to make for me, and, _and_ ," he held up a finger, "A list of demands that I expect all of you to carry out in my honor. I expect that each and every one of you adhere to what is expected of you so that I may have a perfect day."

"Even Sibby?" Lacey asked giggling.

"Especially Sibby." Ben said, keeping what he hoped was his most serious expression.

"Okay, we understand completely. But you have to hide your eyes now, I command you!" Lacey strode towards him and climbed on his back, physically clamping her hands over his eyes. He heard Felicity burst into laughter, and winced as Lacey's sharp elbow dug into his shoulder. "Mother, you can bring everything in, Ben isn't looking!" Ezra called out.

Ben heard footsteps, followed by his sister's voice, "I have hidden everything well enough I believe, such as long as Ben does not go scavenging about. I think you can release him, daughter." Lacey let go, and he instinctively brought his hands up to rub his eyes before focusing on Anna.

Anna took out a small letter, and handed it to Felicity. "This is from my friend at the publishers' office. It was to go out in the mail tomorrow, but he asked if I would give it to you directly so that you did not have to wait longer. I am led to believe the news is good." She winked at Felicity, who eagerly took it and broke the seal. Her eyes skimmed the few lines, and Ben held his breath. Felicity immediately let out an endearing squeal. "They are publishing my story! I cannot believe it!"

Ben felt a smile spread across his face. "Congratulations darling! I am so proud of you. This is the one about Mr. Nye, correct?" He hoped that Felicity would not take offense at his question over which story it was, for he was sure that she had given him at least twenty to read through and critique.

"Yes, that is the one." Felicity continued reading. "Oh, Heavens!" She put a hand to her mouth. "They will pay me twenty-five dollars for this one, and another forty for an additional story by the end of January!"

Ben opened his mouth, unable to offer anything except another "Congratulations!" as pride swelled in his chest. _She's brilliant, and she is all mine…._

Felicity reached out and squeezed his hand, "I need to go through what I have written so far to decide if I want to submit any of my past works, or if I should write something completely new. Oh Anna, thank you so much! I could not have done it without your help!" She clapped her hands and stood up, making a motion to gather her skirts so that she could dash up to her room. An invisible something appeared to stop her and she turned around and gave what looked to be a rushed curtsey before completing her exit.

"Well, I have a few preparations to make before tomorrow, and some letters to write. I don't know where the children have run off to, but I'll have to trust that they are not getting into any trouble." Anna said, giving him a nod before sweeping out of the room.

Ben suddenly found himself alone, sitting on the floor of the parlor. He returned to his writing chair and skimmed through his notes, trying to remember where he had left off. _Ah yes, harvest times of crops in southern Norway._ He took up the quill again, but found that he was now thoroughly distracted for the time being. A part of him was compelled to head up the stairs and seek out Felicity to offer a more private congratulations and see about the decision for her next story, but he knew it was best to keep things decent while the children were around.

These thoughts led him to consider what it meant now that Felicity was a published author. In the mere few weeks that he had been reunited with her, she had carried a different air about her. Back in Williamsburg she had always been at least mildly anxious, her hands compulsively twisting about themselves as she sought to navigate herself and the life she was expected to lead. Now, she seemed in full command and control of her life, and it was incredibly refreshing for Ben to witness.

Ben knew full well that there was a certain perception of men who had working wives, how it might reflect on him to certain circles if he was to marry a girl who might become more successful than he was. But, he wholeheartedly rejected this notion. If he wanted a wife who wished to just keep house and home, he would seek one out. He was no Joseph, threatened by a girl who was intelligent and independent, that was for sure. His mother and sisters saw to it that he did not carry this mindset. And, come to think of it, there was another upside to this. If Felicity was to keep content and focused with her writing, perhaps she would be tolerant of his impending absence.

Ben tapped his dry quill and thought more about this. He had not yet come to bring himself to tell her, but he knew full well that the longer he waited to do so, the worse it might become. But, if she was to rack up enough publication success to fill her mind with confidence and happiness, she would take the news in stride. Yes, perhaps he should wat to tell her.

 _After all, I don't wish to distract her during this important time with bad news._

There was still one more, fairly unpleasant notion that constantly dwelled in his mind, and it came to the forefront once again. The fact that Felicity had been violently attacked, and in his absence, he had not been there to protect her nor to confront Andrews. And now, as he was to be absent once again, he would not be there to protect her.

Just the mere thought of it was enough to make him see red. He had overheard Andrews say vulgar things about her the night of the brawl, and had not thought to say anything to warn her to steer clear of the man. Then, the weasel had lured her away from public eyes, and attacked her.

 _I did nothing to prevent this, nothing to protect her, and nothing to remedy the insult. I left it all to Will to help her out._

Felicity did not seem to mind, in fact, she had asked him, nay, ordered him to put it out of his mind. It was in the past, she had said. But, he had to do something, or this would continue to weigh on him.

He pulled out a new piece of parchment, determined to write Will and thank him for helping Felicity out of that situation.

 _December 18_ _th_ _, 1782_

 _Dear Will,_

 _Hello old Friend, and blessed Christmastide to you! I should state first and foremost the purpose of this letter; I wish to offer my wholehearted gratitude for coming to Felicity's aid. She claims you came upon Stewart Andrews striking her, and that you helped her safely home. I confess that I feel a great deal of guilt that I was not there for her, and writing this letter was the least I could do. So I wonder, did Andrews face any consequences? Felicity tells me that she isn't quite sure, and I am led to believe the blow that was dealt to her was rather severe and affected her wits for a few days. I have the feeling that this is a rather painful memory for her so I have not brought it up again, so forgive me if anything is off or seems unclear._

 _I am also not sure if you are aware, but Felicity is currently up in Philadelphia, working as a governess for my young niece. I am here as well, staying with my sister's family for the next few months, but I hope you will keep this in good confidence._

 _Again, I heartily thank you for coming to Felicity's aid, and please let me know if there is any way that I can repay you._

 _Yours,_

 _Ben Davidson_

 _P.S.: What ever happened to your cousin, Walter? I have not heard from him since I left Williamsburg._

He re-read the letter, and frowned a bit as he realized how few details he knew. But, it would have to do for now.

….

Felicity hummed to herself as she sifted through stacks of her essays, reading and re-reading them for what seemed like the millionth time. In the four days since she had found out that her story on Jiggy Nye was to be published, she had felt as though she was walking on air.

"Felicity?" Lacey asked.

"Yes, Lacey?" Felicity asked.

"Could you please stop humming? I cannot hear myself think!" Lacey exclaimed.

"Oh, I'm very sorry! I'll quiet down until you are finished." Felicity smiled, an embarrassed blush creeping onto her face. She had given Lacey a small book of addition and subtraction problems to practice with, and was timing the girl for speed and accuracy.

"I think you should start the time over, since I had been very rudely interrupted." Lacey said.

"Yes, of course my dear. I think that sounds very fair. I apologize again for my rudeness." Felicity said. "But do know that in the future, I will plan on making lots of noise. You need to be able to do simple arithmetic in your head with many distractions if you want to go shopping in the market, for example."

"Aye, I understand." Lacey said shortly.

Felicity knew that Lacey was behaving a little irritably, but she let it slide. It was only a few days before Christmas, but her mother had requested that Lacey have a few lessons despite the fact that her brother was on holiday from school.

Lacey spoke up, as if she had read Felicity's thoughts. "Why do I have to do this anyways? Ezra doesn't have school. It's Christmastide!"

"It is important that you keep up with your studies, for practice makes perfect. And, I'll mention that Ezra is the only one being lazy now; your mother and father are both busy with work, and so is Ben, and so am I!" Felicity gestured to herself, and gave what she hoped was a reassuring smile.

"Mama and Papa are not that busy, they are mostly going to parties." Lacey pointed out.

Felicity considered this. Anna and William's work demanded that they often go to social events, so in a way, it was an integral part of their work. She didn't know how to explain this, so she switched over to Ben. "Well, Ben has kept very busy. You know that he spent much of his birthday working!"

Lacey considered this. "Aye, that is true. He opened up his presents, then went back to work. But, he was so happy the entire day, as if he was having fun."

"Ben likes his work very much." Felicity said. From what Ben had explained to her, it all did seem very interesting. His overall task was to assist in updating the shipping routes through northern Europe and Scandinavia. It involved research into the many goods that were available for export at each season, for all the different ports that the ships visited. He had told her that his goal was to eventually give his recommendations on potential different ports that ships could dock at while en route. Felicity delighted in how his face would light up when he would trace the routes on a map, and tell her about all of the things that he had found.

"Ben's presents were not all that interesting. Perhaps he did not enjoy them, and felt that his work was more fun?" Lacey seemed to be externalizing her thoughts.

Felicity thought back to the gifts that Ben had received. She had given him a handsome, leather-bound book of pages so that he could write whatever he saw fit. He had also received a compass and a large travel chest that had seemed excessive. _"You will not be able to carry that upon your back."_ She remembered teasing him. "On the contrary, I think Ben liked his gifts very much. But, he also finds his work interesting as well. When he first started working with the company, they gave him dreadfully boring tasks that he needed to do, day after day. But, he had patience and ethic to stick with it, and show his bosses that he was indeed capable. And now, they have given him a very interesting job. That just goes to show that if you work hard like Ben does, you will be given very interesting tasks! Do you understand?" She gave Lacey a smile, hoping that the lesson got through to the girl.

"I suppose so." Lacey merely said, looking back down at her work.

There was a light knock at the doorframe, and Felicity turned to see Siobhan standing there. "A letter arrived for you, Miss Felicity," the girl said.

"Oh, thank you Siobhan." Felicity said as she accepted the letter. It was probably the longest letter she had ever received, with several pages folded together. She wondered how the seal actually held it together. It took a moment before she realized that it was her father's seal and handwriting on the address.

"Who is it from?" Lacey asked.

"My family." Felicity said, as she recognized that each sheet of parchment was an individual letter, save for the last one. She recognized her Father's script with all of its sharp edges, Nan's tiny handwriting that she would practically need a magnifying glass for, and William's asymmetrical scrawl. The only writing she needed to think for a moment before recognizing was Polly's, who Felicity remembered wrote with a script that was still very childish. Now, it seemed as if her hand had become much steadier in the six or seven weeks that had passed since she left. At once, she felt a wave of sadness as she thought about her family and how she was missing out on this special time of year.

She unfolded her father's letter first, and began to read.

 _December 5_ _th_ _, 1782_

 _Dearest Felicity,_

 _By the time you get this letter, it will be nearly Christmastide. This will be a very strange year for us, as it is the first Christmastide without you and while the sight of your empty chair at the table is very striking, now it fills us with a great sadness especially at this special time of year. But My Dear, this is not a plea for you to return home, we know that you are off doing what is right for you at this moment. Your mother and I just wish you were not so far away._

 _Everything is normal in Williamsburg. I assume you have heard rumors that there is to be a peace treaty, so there is of course no news about battles. But, I suppose you would hear it long before we do, with you being in Philadelphia now._

 _I know you will also be wondering about how the store fares. The truth is that it has been busier now than it has been in the last several years. William and Nan are of great help to me, and Marcus is by my side like always. I am thinking I might need to start having Polly help me here too! But I do need to mention that you were by far my best assistant._

 _While we are on the subject of assistants and the store, I would like to mention that we sent Ben several gifts in honor of his birthday. He should have received them by now, as Yorktown is not so far away. We do hope everything is well with him, and we would like to hear from him._

 _In closing, please know that your mother and I miss you dearly,_

 _Love,_

 _Your Father_

She put his letter aside, dwelling on how she would have to navigate the secret of Ben actually being with her in Philadelphia. She made a note to ask Ben about this when he returned.

The next letter was a combined one between William and Polly. William's section was first.

 _December 5_ _th_ _, 1782_

 _Dear Sister,_

 _Merry Christmastide to you. Father demanded that we write a letter to you, so here is mine. I am fine, school is routine, and the store is busy. I was scolded the other day for appearing bored, but the truth was that I was simply too tired to remember all of the items that some old bat wanted. She threatened never to shop there again, but I think I am fine with this decision. I did not voice these thoughts, so don't fret over it._

 _I hope that everything is going well for you in Philadelphia, and I do miss having you around. Nan simply is not as good to confide in, and I think the feeling is mutual._

 _In case you are curious, my classmates are not speaking ill or sharing stories about you anymore._

 _Again, Happy Christmastide. It is not the same without you._

 _With Love,_

 _William_

Polly's letter followed just underneath.

 _December 5_ _th_ _, 1782_

 _Dear Felicity,_

 _Happy Christmastide! We all miss you dearly and hope that you are well. I still cannot believe you are so far away from us now. Tell me, do you prefer it there?_

 _I tried to do the best I could to decorate the house for Christmastide as well as you do since Nan and William did not seem to be too interested to do so. But, it does not look nearly as well. I think Mother is disappointed in me for trying._

 _I miss you dearly, Lissie, and hope that you miss us all too._

 _Don't forget us,_

 _Love,_

 _Polly_

Felicity folded up this combined letter, now feeling saddened and a little confused over Polly's contribution. It was clear that Polly was still a little upset that she had decided to leave. And then, there was the sentence about her mother.

 _Mama…._

Felicity checked the last sheet, and saw that it was from Nan. She looked at the reverse sides of each letter, and saw that they were completely blank.

Her mother had not bothered to write.

 _Wait a minute._ She skimmed her father's letter again, and noted the mention of how both he and her mother missed her.

 _She is probably just too busy to write a letter herself. Stop dwelling on it._ She forced down this sudden feeling of depression, and opened up Nan's letter.

 _December 7_ _th_ _, 1782_

 _Dear Felicity,_

 _Merry Christmastide to you, dear sister. I hope all is well with you, as it is here. We all miss you, as Father and William and Polly have all written, I am sure. I have been keeping very busy here to help Father in the store, help Mother and Rose with preparing the house, and minding William and Polly as well. I am surprised at how much supervision William needs, do you agree that he is now too old to be behaving like such a child? His behavior astounds me._

 _I purposely held off on writing this letter until I knew that Father and our dear little siblings have already finished writing, because I wanted to be the one responsible for giving it to the postmaster. In case you are wondering about this, your name has come up a fair few times. I have told everyone I could that you were hired as a governess in Philadelphia, and that explains your absence. There was a mention that you were sent away because you had fallen with child, but I've not heard it since. Mostly, no one is talking about you anymore. I hope you find this to be good news. I for one feel much better because so many people were giving me such a strange side-eye._

 _I have other good news for you. Stewart Andrews was arrested after attacking Mr. and Mrs. Ward's servant girl and currently sits in the Williamsburg jail. We are standing by in case we are asked to testify in court on account of his behavior. You were sure to have been called, but we have written proof that you are too far away._

 _I have but one more thing to mention. Elizabeth Cole sought me out while I was walking to Father's store a few days ago. She asked if it was true that Andrews attacked you, and that you had been sent away. I told her that these things were true, but you had not just been sent away, you are employed as a governess (I did not tell her you work for Ben's sister). She then asked if I would please give her your post address. I did as she asked even though I get the feeling that you were no longer friends. Her rather anxious demeanor made me feel a little sorry for her, so I hope this does not make you angry._

 _I know that you are wondering where the letter from Mother is. The truth of it is that she is just too busy right now, and I think you can expect a letter from her after the New Year._

 _Happy Christmastide to you, and please give my best to everyone._

 _Love,_

 _Nan_

Felicity folded up this letter just as Lacey yelled "finished!" She buried her feelings deep and checked the clock on the wall, and was a little embarrassed to realize that she had not paid attention to the number of minutes that had passed since Lacey had started. _Was it two minutes and thirty seconds? Or three?_

She smiled at the girl, "Give it here, and I will check your answers for you. In the meanwhile, would you like to go and start on your reading?"

Lacey nodded and handed her the sheets, then ran off to the library.

Felicity forced herself to focus on correcting the sums, noting with a feeling of accomplishment that there were very few errors. _I am having success at this job, and success with my writing, and success with love, and success that my former best friend is going to apologize to me._ She repeated this odd mantra in her head so that the peculiar feeling of discomfort that had taken residence within her did not bubble up.

 _But Mother did not write to me. This is the longest and furthest away I have ever been, and it is Christmastide. And still, she did not write to me. Not one word._

 _Get your head together. She is busy, and you are just fine._ Lacey returned from the library with a small stack of books and handed them to her, and she once again forced all of her emotions away and focused on the girl. "Let's see..." She flipped through the first book, which was a short story about orphaned children. "This is meant for older children, but I think you might do just fine." She handed the book to Lacey and gave her an encouraging smile. "I would like you to spend the next hour reading. Try to keep your mind with it, and write down any words that you may have trouble with. I will help you afterwards with any questions that you might have. Does this sound agreeable to you?"

"Yes, Miss Felicity." Lacey said.

"Good. You do not need to stay here and read, you may go up to your bedroom or anywhere else in the house that is most comfortable for you." Felicity said. "I will come find you in an hour, and we will discuss what you have read. Yes?"

Lacey nodded and turned away, opting to curl up in her father's favorite chair by the big window. "I will stay here. It is warm by the fire and I can watch the snow fall." She said.

Felicity grinned. "I agree wholeheartedly."

Felicity tried as best she could to return back to her previous happy mood as she continued to study her essays, but the letters, as well as the lack thereof weighed frustratingly on her mind. Even if she was able to take her mind off of them for but a moment, the strange, hollow feeling that something was amiss would not go away. The absence of a letter from her mother had been at the forefront of her mind, but now she also dwelled on the contents of Nan's letter. _Whatever could Elizabeth had wanted? Did she actually want to apologize? Why did she have such an anxious demeanor, as Nan described?_

 _Nan has been known to exaggerate things._

 _Incorrect. Nan had been spot on about Joseph discussing an engagement with Father. You just did not know it to be the truth until much later._

At this thought of Joseph, her mind went directly to the man. _I'll wager that Joseph said or did something to her. I warned her about how he was, I did…._ Felicity suddenly felt angry, and protective of her more mild-mannered friend much like she had so often when they were children. And yet, there was a part of her that wanted to dismiss the girl completely after she had gone behind Felicity's back, said horrible things to her, humiliated her, and destroyed her reputation. _She played an indirect role in my attack, and she likely realizes it._

 _Let her squeal. I have nothing to offer her after what she did to me._

With this final thought, she was able to push Elizabeth out of her mind, and return to her essays. However, it wasn't long before she realized that her feelings of malcontent had not dissipated. _Mother did not write to me. Her silence is far, far worse than if she had written me solely to express her continuing disappointment with me._

Felicity sighed and tried to focus on the tasks at hand up through the evening, which was a constant battle between studying her essays, discussing the story with Lacey, keeping polite conversation at dinner, and back to studying her essays while in the company of Anna, William and the children. Ben was not among them; he had apologetically excused himself to work in his room on something that required a great deal of concentration. Eventually the children left for their beds, and Felicity also prepared to retire to her room for the night.

She paused at the top of the stairs and eyed the closed door of Ben's room. She knew she should just let him work in peace, but perhaps it would be okay to bid him a quick goodnight. And just in case, she should check on him to be sure that he had not fallen asleep over his work. She crept close and knocked lightly, pressing her ear close to the door. There was a quick shuffling of papers, followed by Ben clearing his throat. "Who is it?"

"It's me." Felicity replied in a hushed voice.

More shuffling of papers, followed by a book closing. "Lissie? Come in."

She opened the door, and was greeted by the sight of Ben standing up, a quizzical expression on his face. "Lissie? What time is it? Has everyone gone to bed?"

"It's nearly ten o'clock. Anna and William are still awake, but the children are sleeping."

Ben rubbed his eyes. "I am really sorry for locking myself up here all evening. I didn't realize how long this would take. I need to have these documents ready tomorrow morning." He looked at her apologetically.

"No, my dear. 'Tis quite all right. I just wanted to bid you goodnight and make sure you have not fallen asleep over your work. Are you nearly finished?" She looked over to his desk and saw that it was completely covered in various books, letters, and maps. At once, she felt it was odd that all of the books were closed and parchment folded over, as if he was uncomfortable with her seeing his work.

Ben gave her a half smile. "Actually, I just came to the realization that I will be able to finish soon." He paused and looked skyward as if to think for a moment. "Yes," he clarified, "I am almost finished." He looked back at her, and Felicity saw the exhaustion in his eyes.

"I am glad to hear it." She said, giving him the best smile she could muster.

Of course, Ben saw right through it. "Lissie? Is everything alright?" His brow furrowed with concern, and Felicity took a deep breath to steady the emotions that threatened to pour out of her. He gestured to his bed. "Please, sit down and talk with me."

She obediently sat down on his bed, while he turned around his desk chair so that it faced her before re-taking it. She clasped her hands together, folding and unfolding her fingers as she gathered herself together enough to speak again. "I received a bunch of letters from my family today."

Ben was silent for a moment more as he waited for her to continue. When she did not, he spoke up. "That is good, right? How is everyone? What did they say?"

Felicity shrugged, "Everyone is fine; they all wish us a happy Christmastide. Or I think they all do. Father does, and so do Nan, William and Polly." She looked down at her lap. "My mother did not write to me, so I am unsure about her wishes." A lump formed in her throat, and she swallowed against it.

"You received letters from all of your family except your mother?" Ben said incredulously.

Felicity tried to blink back her tears, and realized she was completely overcome. She put her face into her hands. "Why doesn't she love me? Am I really so much of a disappointment to her?" Her voice cracked, and she involuntarily drew in a sharp breath.

Instantly, Ben was at her side, wrapping his arms around her. "Lissie I am so sorry. There has to be another explanation. Was there any mention of her at all? Did she at least sign her name?"

"There was nothing. Nan said she was simply too busy to write." Felicity knew that she was neglecting to mention her father's closing, but the sentiment was all the same. She let out a shaky breath, and Ben held her tighter. "Lissie, please don't cry. I'm here. I've got you." Within his embrace, she wrapped her arms around herself and buried her face in his neck. "I don't know what I could have expected. She barely tolerant of me for the last few years, and then we were caught, and nothing got better…" She sobbed, knowing that her words were barely coherent.

"I feel as though I play a role in this." Ben said, stroking her hair.

"No, she clearly directs her ire at me. If she is angry with you, she does not show it. Mother always had a soft spot for you." Felicity said, some of the tightness easing from her chest. "You were always so polite and quiet compared to me. And now you are my only prospect for marriage so I imagine she is quite fond of you." She tried to keep the bitterness out of her voice.

Ben sighed, pulling his arms tightly around her to give her one last squeeze, then released her and tilted her chin up. "I admit that my immediate response to that is one of comfort." He gave her a smile. "Please take heart. I know that your mother loves you. This is only temporary."

"It does not need to be this way. I have tried so hard to appeal to her as best I could, but she has nothing but disappointment and criticism towards me!" Felicity said, her sadness giving away to anger.

"Please just relax. Think about your writing, think about Christmastide. Tomorrow, how about we go and take a walk through the town square? It has been a week since you have seen it, no? It is decorated so beautifully for the holiday…." Ben trailed off and put his hands on her shoulders. "Lissie, look at me."

She looked up and met his gaze, taking in his concerned, yet hopeful expression as he searched her face. She then fixated on his mouth, and felt the urge to lean forward and kiss him.

 _No. You need to bid him goodnight and leave so that he can finish his work. He needs his rest._

She forced this impulse back, and forced a smile. "You are right. I think a walk about town would clear my head. Shall I meet you outside of your office again for your midday break?"

"Don't be late." Ben grinned at her.

"I wouldn't dare." Felicity said, feeling much of the anger finally release from her chest. She smiled at him. "I feel as though I have disrupted you enough. You must finish soon so that you get some sleep." She stood up, then leaned over and kissed Ben upon the cheek. "Good night, my darling."

Ben touched her cheek. "Good night Lissie. I love you."

 _Everything will be okay. I can continue to bear my mother's disappointment, and I cannot let it hurt me so badly. Not at this time, which should be full of laughter and merriment._ She thought to herself as she made her to her room, prepared for bed, and laid down. Within minutes, she was fast asleep.

….

From this point forward, whenever Felicity dwelled on the absence of a letter from her mother, she hesitated, and mentally pulled up a shield of armor over her emotions. She made a point of writing careful, thought-out responses to her father, Nan, William, and Polly, and in her father's letter, she gave her best wishes to her mother and left it at that. There were simply too many good things happening for her to think about any kind of negativity. With this emotional shield, she felt free enough to wholly participate in the holiday festivities. Anna and William were hosts to a few holiday parties, and she delighted in donning fine clothes, eating, drinking, and just generally being merry. There was the occasional fond flashback to when she was so surprised to see her excitement at the prospect of a fancy ball gown, as well as the memory of how Ben had once scoffed at her over her fixation. Yet, here they were several years later, both dressed in all of their finery as they navigated the parties.

As they rang in the New Year, a rather distinguished-looking older gentleman approached her. "Miss Merriman, I am so delighted to finally meet you!" He kissed her hand. "I am James Cornish."

"Mr. Cornish!" Felicity recognized his name at the publisher's office and gave him her best curtsey. "I am so pleased to finally meet you as well. I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for accepting my story."

"Think nothing of it, Miss Merriman." His blue eyes sparkled under thick grey eyebrows. "Your story shows such a talent. I am surprised to see that you are so young! Usually we only see that kind of insight from writers well in their forties and fifties."

Felicity felt herself blush at the complement. "Thank you so much for the kind words, Mr. Cornish. I hope that I do not disappoint you with my future work."

"You have set a high bar for yourself, that's for sure." He winked at her. "But please know that I am here to help you out in any way that I can."

"Yes Sir, thank you so much!" She said, and gave her a slight bow before heading off. She spied Ben across the room and grinned at him, and he raised his glass to her in response. She started to make her way over to him, but a gentleman that she recognized as one of his co-workers got his attention and struck up a conversation. As he was listening, Ben glanced at her out of the corner of his eye, and made a brief gesture with his fingers, as if to tell her to wait a moment. She paused and waited, shifting her weight from her right foot to her left and twirling her delicate, empty champagne glass around her fingers yet the man continued talking animatedly while Ben smiled politely and nodded. Finally, she gave up and made her way to where the refreshments were, helping herself to a new glass of champagne. As she took on the weighty decision of which type of fairy cake she might choose, Ben finally approached her. "Lissie, I am sorry about that-,"

"Shhh." Felicity said, a finger to her lips as she continued studying the plates of fairy cakes. "I am trying to weigh an important decision here."

"My apologizes for disturbing you, Miss!" Ben exclaimed, and leaned over the table. "May I offer my assistance?"

"I'll permit it." Felicity said as she turned toward him. Ben grinned at her, and she noticed the slight flush in his face and the reckless shine in his eyes. "You look as though you've been enjoying the champagne." She said, slightly amused.

He raised his glass in response, and drained it. "I could say the same thing about you."

 _Oh?_ Felicity raised a hand to her cheek, which did feel a little warm, if she was to admit it to herself. "Well, after tonight it is all over. It is back to work for you, and for me. Until…" She thought forward, "Until the next holiday! Yes, it is a good one! Valentines' day!" She grinned, feeling a new flush come over her face.

"Right, right right. Valentines' Day, and then your birthday, and then…." Ben trailed off as an odd, almost forlorn expression passed over his face. Felicity guessed that he was thinking about his eventual return to Yorktown. She interrupted him, placing her glass down and putting her hands atop his shoulders. "Don't think sad things right now, Love. We are about to ring in the New Year, and it is going to be a good one. The War is all but over, we are together, and these are all good things."

"You are completely in the right." Ben smiled at her, and leaned over to get himself a new glass as all of the guests began the countdown.

"TEN…"

"NINE…."

"EIGHT…"

"SEVEN…"

Felicity grinned widely at Ben as she took up her glass and joined in.

"SIX…"

 _"FIIIVE….."_

 _"FOURRRR….."_

 _"THREEEE…"_

 _"TWO…."_

 _"ONE!"_

 _"HAPPY NEW YEAR!"_

Felicity cheered and saw that couples began embracing and kissing. She locked eyes with Ben, and neither one of them hesitated as they met in the middle, arms wrapping around each other and holding tight. She then met his gaze for the briefest moment, before he leaned in and kissed her, the taste of champagne lingering on him. After they broke apart, he leaned in and pressed his forehead against hers, and whispered to her. "I just realized that I kept my promise to you, that we would be together this Christmastide. Do you remember that I wrote it in my letter to you? I kept it. I did."

Felicity indeed remembered the letter, and the promise. "Of course you did. I'm so happy."

"I'm the happy one." Ben's voice was still a whisper, yet she heard it more loudly and clearly than the sound of fireworks and rifles ringing out throughout the city.

…..

As the holidays ended and life returned to normalcy, Felicity thus returned her attention to Lacey and to her own work. It was nearly mid-January before she realized that none of the essays that she had written would do; she would have to conceive of a new idea and get it down on paper by the end of the month. It was likely that Mr. Cornish had no intention of causing her anxiety, but his comment that she had set a high bar for herself rang through her mind.

 _But don't forget,_ she reminded herself, _he told you directly that you could come to him for any help. He is completely approachable._

She was busy outlining ideas for stories one day in late January, when Siobhan approached her with a letter. "For you, Miss Felicity."

"Thank you Siobhan." Felicity replied, turning over the letter to see the return address. At once, her recognition of Elizabeth's unmistakable handwriting dealt her an emotional blow, her heart rate increasing as she unfolded the letter with shaking hands.

 _December 29_ _th_ _, 1782_

 _Dearest Felicity,_

 _By the time that this letter reaches you, the holiday season will be over so I would like to take the opportunity to wish you a Merry Christmastide and a Happy New Year._

 _Lissie, I want to express first and foremost my deepest regrets over what happened to you back in Williamsburg. I have had much time to think about it, and I am sorry that I hurt you so much by being with Joseph given your history with him. I also regret revealing all of those things in front of all of the other ladies; I should have known what the consequences of by actions would be. I did not mean it when I said that I had grown bored with you confiding in me, it was quite the contrary. And then, as I heard the townsfolk saying all of those horrible things about you, I realized with horror that it was all my doing. When things could not get worse, I learned how that man cornered and attacked you._

 _By the time I had come to my senses and made the decision to seek you out, I learned that you had gone. It took me a few more weeks to muster up the courage to speak with your sister, asking where you had gone….._

Felicity felt a great deal of amusement, yet pity for her friend. _My dear, your one true fault is that you are so woefully lacking in courage!_ _You need not worry about me, for I am just fine, and you are a coward!_ She forced back a laugh, and continued reading.

 _I feel some satisfaction knowing that you are up in Philadelphia, taking on a role as governess. I have heard about how grand the city is, and as a governess, I'll wager that you are having the time of your life there! I would not be surprised if you did not miss us in the slightest._

Felicity shook her head slightly. _Come to think of it, I don't really spend time dwelling on you, Elizabeth._ At once, she questioned whether or not she would respond to this letter. If she were being completely honest, the answer was likely to be no. There was just one more paragraph to get through, then she could fold up this letter into her desk and forget about it.

 _There is one more thing I would like to let you know, something of a personal nature. I would like to tell you that Joseph and I will be married at the end of January. I know this is rather sudden, and this is all that we are telling the public. You are the only one I will tell the truth to, because I think I owe it to you. The reason is that I have recently confirmed that I am with child. The only other people that know are Mama and Annabelle. I am sure that Father knows, but he avoided hearing about it and now barely looks me in the eye. I am doing all that I can to keep myself in a downward spiral of shame and guilt, the roots of which appeared since I all but drove you out of Williamsburg. I do not know what you plan on doing with the information on my predicament, perhaps I feel a slight, repentant wish for you to tell anyone and everyone what I have done so that I may have some atonement for the ill I have caused you._

 _Lissie, I do wish that you were here. The truth of it is that I am a little frightened at how quickly things are moving for me. You would be the one to tell me that everything is fine, that marriage and a family are only good things. Joseph is excited to be wed and ecstatic about the baby so I have confidence that we will surely be happy._

 _I must end this letter, because I feel I have droned on enough. I do want to mention that both you and Ben are formally invited to the wedding, although you are too far away and Ben likely will not attend without you. But the invitation stands._

 _Lissie, I hope you do not judge me too harshly._

 _Think fondly on me,_

 _Elizabeth_

Felicity folded up the letter, her thoughts in complete disarray over what Elizabeth had revealed to her. A deep feeling of revulsion rolled through her as she suddenly had the mental image of Elizabeth struggling to squeeze her swelling form into a wedding dress before a hastily pulled together ceremony and reception that would surely result in rumors flying throughout the town. She felt a wave of hysteria bubble up within her, and it released itself in the form of laughter as Felicity found herself breaking out into mad fits of barely-contained giggling that had her doubled over, tears streaming out of her eyes.

 _Pull yourself together! What the Hell kind of way to react is this?_

 _She has asked for you forgiveness, and expresses remorse. You should give her some kind words at the very least, for it is likely that she is getting none._

Felicity exhaled a breath through her nose, and recalled the last time that she had forced herself to forgive her friend for keeping a courtship with her former beau a secret.

 _I must find it within myself to forgive her, but I can't be too hasty about this._

 _Besides, she has Joseph. He got her into this predicament, so she will have to rely on him for kind words for the time being._

She expected to feel satisfaction with this last thought, but there was only an odd prickling of guilt that persisted in needling through her mind.

….

 **Author's Notes**

1) The passage that Felicity is referring to from The Decameron is the Fifth Day, Fourth Story. She is embellishing it just a little as she describes it to Ben

2) Next up, Ben's mother and father arrive for a visit, and suspicions take root between Ben and Felicity.


	19. Chapter 19

_Reservation of a cabin on the Grev Moltke to depart the Port of Philadelphia on thirty March in the Year of Our Lord 1783_

 _Name: Benjamin Davidson_

 _Date of Birth: December 19th, 1758_

 _Age at Embarkment: 24 years_

 _Birthplace: Yorktown, Virginia, Continental Colonies_

 _Next of Kin: Samuel Davidson, father_

 _Spouse: None_

 _Initial Destination: The Hague, Netherlands_

 _Signature:_

 _Is this all that I need to add?_ Ben frowned at the simplicity of the form, the purpose of which was to secure himself a cabin on board the _Grev Moltke,_ scheduled to leave the port of Philadelphia on March 30th, 1783. Then again, there were people in the company that handled all of the other logistics, so perhaps this was indeed all that was necessary.

March 30th was just two months away. The company had originally told him that the date he was to leave was towards the end of April, but the date had been pushed earlier due to favorable conditions earlier in the season. He remembered how one of the company cartographers had slapped him across the back with a guffaw. _"Earlier than planned! When does that ever happen?"_

It was coming, and there was no holding it back. He needed to gather up his courage and make a plan for how he was going to tell Felicity. _On the upside, it means I will likely return two months earlier._ He took the quill and signed his name, a fatalistic feeling washing over him.

At that moment, there came a light tapping pattern on the door. It was a distinct, syncopated rhythm in six-eight time, repeated three times. _TAP-tap-tap-TAP-tap-TAP_. Ben smiled as he recognized the pattern that he and Felicity had planned together, such that she may make her presence known without calling out to him and risk waking anyone else in the house. Without any further thought, he stood up and made his way over to the door, opening just slightly enough for him to lean out and look around himself as if there were no one. "Who is there? Show yourself!" He whispered, pretending to look past Felicity.

"Master Davidson!" Felicity spoke in a sinister whisper, reaching out with her hands and taking his shoulders. "It is I, the ghost of Spencer Manor! I have come to show you proof of a crime committed within these very walls!"

"Why, you look just like my Lissie! Wait," He frowned and searched her face, "wait, wait, why, is it you? Lissie, what has happened? Tell me, is it true that you have passed? How did this come to be?" He reached out and took her hands. "Why, your hands are so cold! Tell me this is not true!"

"You have spent the last thirty years in this room, holed up with your work Benjamin. I waited for you, oh how I waited!" Felicity whispered, putting the back of her hand to her forehead in a dramatic fashion.

Ben forced back a laugh, careful not to wake up anyone in the house. He grabbed Felicity by the wrist and pulled her inside, closing the door behind her. She wrapped her arms around him, and he embraced her in return, burying his face in her neck. As they stood there, together, the thought of the reservation form on his desk invaded his mind. _I can't do it. I can't let go._

And then, a more pressing, alarming thought invaded his mind. _The reservation form. It is sitting out, plain as day atop my desk. I can't let Felicity see it._

As if Felicity could read his mind, she focused right over at his desk. "What is it that you have been working on all this time?"

Ben instinctively side-stepped so that he was standing between Felicity and his desk, with the intention of blocking her view. "Just a very unpleasant task that I welcome a distraction from." He gestured towards his bed and put a hand on the small of Felicity's back to guide her along. "Come sit with me, and tell me what is on your mind. Or," he paused for effect, "Did you just come here to admire me?"

"So full of yourself!" Felicity giggled, sitting down on his bed and scooting over to make room for him. "Actually, there was something I wanted to discuss with you. I know it might sound a little silly, and perhaps it is, but I must say it so that I may ease my mind." Slightly embarrassed, she put a hand to her mouth.

Ben raised his eyebrows, no idea of what Felicity might bring up. Again, it was as if she could read his mind. "I admit I am a little nervous about your parents' upcoming visit."

He grinned. "Come now, my parents adore you. Whatever might you be nervous about?"

"It was just so long ago that I last saw them. I was but sixteen, and just a friend of yours." Felicity explained. "Do you think they might be angry at how I have carried on with you, like my mother and father were?"

"No, no. You saw them as they came to Williamsburg to drag my sorry hide back to Yorktown. My mother assured you that I would be well taken care of, do you not remember?" Ben corrected her, purposefully making light of that heavy day.

"I suppose so. But you leaving…that is a memory that I do not wish to remember." Felicity looked downward and shuddered. He blinked, feeling something deep in the pit of his stomach at the thought that he would be leaving her once again.

Felicity prattled on, oblivious to Ben's discomfort. "Is there any information I should know at all before I greet them? I don't want to make any mistakes. 'Tis true that they have always seemed to like me, but there were more pressing concerns at each time. Please tell me, is there any kind of habit or behavior that your mother or father do not like? Should I wait for them to speak to me before I speak to them? Are there any foods I should avoid? Should I avoid cider, ale as well as wine? Are they going to want to see how I get on with the children?"

Ben made an effort to not start laughing at Felicity's distress. "I suppose you will want to avoid getting drunk in front of them, but that is really about all. My mother and father truly like you, absolutely. Just be yourself."

"Hmm." Felicity said, giving her knuckles a final crack before settling her hands in her lap. "There is one more thing I wanted to ask you." She looked at him, a flush starting on her face.

"Go on," Ben nodded for her to continue.

"You told me once long ago that your parents had a love marriage. Do you remember? It was the night of the brawl. Well, you kind of shouted it at me but I'm not sure why you would exaggerate that. Do you think you would tell me a little more about how your parents met, and perhaps decided to wed?" She asked.

Ben smiled, thinking of the stories that his mother had told him. "My grandfather was a very prominent merchant in Copenhagen, and my mother was his youngest daughter. My grandmother had died very suddenly before he was set to sail to the Colonies, so it was decided that my mother would accompany him. She was seventeen."

"Oh, how exciting!" Felicity exclaimed. "Well, I am sorry to hear about the death of your grandmother, but I wonder if there is any better way to help with grief."

"The way my mother put it was that she needed to be with her father. And, my grandfather...I was never able to meet him but I am led to believe he would go along with all that my mother wanted." Ben said. "And now, my _other_ grandfather, er, my father's father owned a series of shops in the Yorktown and Richmond area. He was my mother's father's initial contact man in the Colonies."

"So, I am led to believe that your mother met your father as he was also learning his father's business?" Felicity asked.

"Exactly that." Ben said. "My maternal grandfather was in Virginia for four weeks, I believe. Long enough for my mother and father to fall in love. As my mother puts it, there was no way that she would leave."

"Oh, I am amazed at how brave she must have been to make the decision to stay! But I am also sad for you grandfather to leave his daughter behind so far away. Did he ever come back to visit? Please tell that is not the last they saw of each other." Felicity's eyes were wide.

"Yes, my grandfather made periodic trips to the colonies for business and to see my mother and father. He passed before I was able to meet him, sadly." Ben said. "So, my only link to Scandinavia is through my mother. She insisted that my sisters and I all learn and speak Swedish regularly, and often would ruminate about taking us all to visit. But, it never happened." He knew he was treading on dangerous waters here, that Felicity might use what he just said as a starting point for asking if he had any plans on visiting Scandinavia.

"I hope you still plan on visiting someday, and I would very much like to go with you." Felicity said, then paused, as if she were thinking something over, "That is, if you would want me." She gave him a shy smile, and reached out to squeeze his hand.

Ben chose his words carefully, feeling his heart lurch them. "I would very much like you to come with me." He left it at that. _How the hell am I ever going to tell her?_

 _Tell her. Do it now. There is no such thing as a good time to do it._

 _You have already waited too long._

"Lissie?" He took both of her hands in an effort to calm himself.

"Ben?" She asked, cocking an eyebrow at him. He stared into her green eyes, curiosity and bit of confusion mixed in with them. At once, he imagined her eyes narrowing at him as he revealed his secret to her, turning from confusion, to anger, then to hatred as she fully understood what he was going to do.

"I…I just…" He felt his voice falter as he imagined her gaze turning piercing, _You bloody coward!_ "Lissie, do you love me?"

"Sweetheart, yes, yes I do love you." She squeezed his hands and rested her head onto his shoulder. "Why do you ask? Do you doubt it?"

He managed a smile as he made an effort to focus on her words. "I just like to hear it, that's all."

"Then I'll say it again." Felicity said. "I love you, love you, love you! My apologizes if that sounded silly."

Ben smiled wider. "And I love you!"

Felicity grinned in response, "I think I had best go, or we run the risk of melting together into a rather silly pile on the floor!" She glanced over at his desk, and Ben felt himself wince at the thought that she might go and investigate. But, she merely stood up and habitually brushed the front of her gown. "Yes, I must retire for the night and let you finish whatever you are working on. Please don't stay up too late." She implored him.

"I won't." Ben assured her as he stood up. She wrapped her arms around him in a brief embrace, and he leaned downward to give her a quick peck on her lips. "You too, don't stay up too late. I get the feeling you are going to go to your room, light a few candles, and work until the sun comes up."

Felicity shrugged, and grinned at him. "When I find myself in a writing trance, I best just take advantage of it! Does that ever happen to you?"

"Only out of necessity, and I wouldn't call it a trance." Ben replied, letting his fingers trace down Felicity's arm as she stepped away from him and walked towards the door. She paused and turned back to blow him a kiss, then stepped out and closed the door behind her. He stood for a moment longer, just watching the closed door and dwelling on his continuous failed attempts, er, if they could even be called that; to tell her that he would be leaving for some time.

 _There is always tomorrow. Yes, it has to be tomorrow._

He turned back to his desk, figuring that he had done nearly enough for the evening.

….

Felicity walked through the town square, carefully taking small steps as not to slip on the ice. The Spencer family was busy in preparation for the arrival of Ben and Anna's parents and while it was not necessarily her job to run errands for the household, she wanted to do whatever she could to help out. At the moment, she was tasked with picking up an array of spices.

She lifted her gaze from the sidewalk, and looked about her to gain her bearings. Back in Williamsburg both her father's store, as well as the smaller general stores in town carried a variety of spices that she had deemed plentiful enough. However, here in Philadelphia there was a shop that specialized in spices, stocking items from all over the world. Felicity had only been there once out of curiosity, and had been overwhelmed by the sights and smells of the shop. Now, she had memorized a small list of items that Siobhan had asked her to pick up.

 _Tarragon….Saffron….Nutmeg…juniper berries….Sumac….._

Unconsciously, she picked up a longer stride to match the beat of the spices she was reciting in her mind. It wasn't long before she took an uneasy step on a rather slick patch of ice that the bottom on her shoe failed to grip properly. Her foot slid as her center of gravity failed to compensate and she tumbled onto her rear. _Oh, Hell!_

"Miss, are you alright?" She looked up, cheeks flaming and noticed a man hurrying towards her as fast as he could on the ice. A quick mental check showed that she was just fine, save for a potentially nasty bruise and a palm that was sore from catching herself on the ground.

Then, there was her pride. "Yes, yes I am just fine. Thank you." She took the man's offered hand, and pulled herself upright. "I normally am not so clumsy, but I admit the streets where I am from are not so slippery!"

"I'm glad to hear that you are just fine, Miss Merriman." She looked up rather sharply at the realization that the man knew her name, and studied his face. It only took a moment before she recognized him as one of Anna and William's New Years' Eve party guests, in particular, the gentleman that had repeatedly pulled Ben aside for rather lengthy conversation. Immediately her mind raced as she tried to figure out if the two of them had ever been properly introduced.

"My name is Allen Garrett. I am on the same work team as your fiancé, Ben." Mr. Garrett gave her a bow, and she nodded to him, grateful that he had taken the lead on introducing himself. "Pleased to make your acquaintance, Sir." She said, wondering if she should bother on correcting Mr. Garrett's error on her status as Ben's fiancé.

Mr. Garrett smiled at her, and she took in the details of his face, not wanting to make the mistake of forgetting his name in the future. He was rather young, about the same age as Ben with sweet potato red hair and freckles. _A proper ginger, even more so than myself!_ She thought, trying not to smile and feeling gratitude that the hundreds of freckles that dotted across her face had mostly faded in her adolescence.

"I beg your pardon, Miss Merriman, but I ought to be getting back to the office. I managed to sneak out of a rather lengthy meeting with the promise that I would pick up refreshments from the baker. Ben is still in there, at the mercy of the higher-ups. Can you believe they wish to change the date that we depart from Philadelphia? I don't know how I am going to break the news to my wife that we are leaving a month earlier." He shook his head.

Felicity frowned. She knew that Ben was heading back to Yorktown at the end of April, shortly after her birthday. But now it would be a month earlier? This was something that she would have to bring up with him, indeed. She gave Mr. Garrett a quick curtsey, "Good day to you, Mr. Garrett, and thank you again for your assistance."

"Good day to you too, Miss Merriman, and please, try to take more care." Mr. Garrett tipped his hat to her, and was on his way.

Then, it hit her. Ben had been acting so peculiar the previous night when she was stopping by to wish him a good night. It was almost as though he wanted to tell her something, then had changed his mind at the last minute and instead had asked her to verify her feelings towards him.

 _Silly boy. You needn't keep secrets from me. If you are being called back home sooner than expected I would like to know about it._

The thought that Ben would likely be missing her birthday stung a little, but it wasn't altogether terrible. They had already spent a year apart, and it would be another few months before she was finished with her contract with the Spencers. That idea too made her sad, as she had developed a very good bond with Lacey. But, Anna had wished for Lacey to begin her studies in science and mathematics, which Felicity knew she was not knowledgeable enough.

She arrived at the spice shop and pulled the door open, the fresh, crisp scent of the combination of hundreds of spices invading her nose. There were shelves stacked high with ceramic pots holding all kinds of spices, many of which she had never heard about before in her life. She mentally consulted her list, and read it off to the smiling woman behind the counter. "I have memorized a list of items that I need for my mistress. They are tarragon, saffron, nutmeg, juniper berries, and sumac."

The woman nodded. "Of course Miss." She nodded to the young man near the shelves, and he got to work gathering them. Felicity informed the woman how much of each spice to weigh out, then wandered about the store as she waited, pausing to examine a brightly-colored spice at her eye level. _Tumeric_ , read the label. Her gaze drifted upwards to the shelf situated at her eye level, and read a few of the labels, _Grapefruit…Goji berry…Gingko…Ginger…._

 _"May I have your freshest ginger please?"_ The memory of Elizabeth's voice echoed through her head as she was suddenly brought back to those horrible few weeks in which Felicity's father had been framed for spying for the British Crown. Felicity knew from the bottom of her heart that her father was innocent, and Elizabeth had helped her get to the bottom of the mystery. At that particular time, Elizabeth had been trying to distract a rival shop owner, while Felicity searched for evidence that he was the shadowy man in question.

 _Elizabeth…._

It had been a week since Felicity had received the letter from Elizabeth in which her former friend had revealed that she was expecting, and planned to wed Joseph at the end of January. Felicity idly drummed her fingertips against the sides of her gown, thinking about the date. January 31st was only two days away.

The shock that she had experienced at Elizabeth's reveal had subsided to a mere mild distaste in her mouth, a slight unease in her chest. Elizabeth had given Felicity her blessing to share her full, honest news about to atone for her part in ruining Felicity's reputation. But, if Felicity were to be honest, she had no interest in telling anyone, not even Ben. The news would of course have an obvious follow-up question, in which she would then have to tell Ben all that had happened with her, Elizabeth, and Joseph. The idea of re-hashing everything that had occurred sounded completely exhausting, and furthermore, she felt so far removed from it all that it seemed like a distant memory from a completely different life, perhaps even a dream.

Of course she would have to tell Ben at some point, but there was simply no need to go into the details. She would simply say that Elizabeth and Joseph had fallen in love, and that she was fine with this. After all, it was the truth.

The woman beckoned Felicity back over to the counter so that she may pay for the spices, and be on her way. As Felicity left the shop and stepped back out into the cold January air, a thought occurred to her. _I should just write Elizabeth a note, congratulating her on her wedding and wishing her good blessings for the baby. It would just be the decent thing to do._

She picked up her pace, taking care to watch for errant patches of ice on the road. _And then, perhaps it would be good for me to start making plans for my own wedding. I'll be done with my contract in July, then I could meet Ben in Yorktown, and we would finally, finally start our lives together. We have waited long enough._

She was overcome by a feeling of excitement at this last thought, and looked ahead of her to see a rather large patch of ice. Instead of slowing down and stepping carefully, she took a quick run to build up momentum, then slid across the patch with one graceful movement.

…..

"So give me the latest news about Mother and Father." Anna said, as she moved her bishop forward.

"I figured you might ask about this." Ben said, as he mentally planned out what his next move would be.

"'Tis not a surprising question." Anna replied. "I think it has been about a year since I have seen them. I was hoping that you might give me some insight into how they are both doing; if there are certain things might want to know before they arrive." She looked up at Ben, who was still trying to calculate his next move. He had never been able to beat Anna at chess.

"For one, they are doing quite a bit better." Ben said, thinking back to a year prior. He knew that Anna was referring to the passing of their eldest sister, now three years gone. "Mother likes to have Sarah and Charlotte and the children around as much as possible, and I think the feeling is mutual."

"And what about Father?" Anna asked.

Ben moved a pawn forward. "During the time I lived at home, Father was either traveling for work, or at home expressing his disproval at me."

Amusement flicked briefly across Anna's face. "I mean, how were Mother and Father getting along? Would you call this a cold or a hot period?"

Ben thought for a moment about the various ways that he had observed how his parents got along when he was young. They would go for long periods where everything was good and they seemed happy and affectionate with one another. Then, there were times where they would treat each other ranging from cold detachment to outright disdain. There had been a very short period of time where their mother had actually ordered their father out of the home for the span of a week. Ben had been too young to remember the nuances of that time; it wasn't until he became older that he fully understood that they had some disagreement that ran so deep that they could not stand to be in the same house. He shrugged his shoulders. "I would consider it to be neutral, honestly. Nothing seemed amiss, from what I could tell. But I just said that Father had been away a lot, and I think you might understand that my thoughts were elsewhere." Anna made a move, and Ben frowned as he realized his king was in Check.

"So, warm." Anna replied. "That should make things easy around here during their visit. I don't wish to be trapped in a tense household, for all the effort that I put forth into making things as easy as I can around here for everyone."

"You should realize that none of this, you know, the hot and cold periods and the like applied by the time that you, Sarah, Charlotte, and Sylvie had all wed and left." Ben said. "Many of the reasons that Mother and Father fought was rooted in the stress that the four of you caused them." He was pleased to see that he could capture Anna's check. "Things became so much more peaceful and easy for us after you left." He made an effort to keep a stoic expression, but his mouth twitched.

Anna scoffed. "Do you even know why we all fought so much?"

"Of course not. Who could keep track of it? I just remember thanking God that I was so much younger than the rest of you, which left me thankfully out of the screaming matches that you, Sarah, and Charlotte would have. I spent all my time thinking about my misfortune of being born into a family of lunatics, well, except for Sylvie I suppose." Ben replied. He saw Anna begin to open her mouth, but he cut her off. "-and please, don't care to enlighten me. There are some things I have no interest in knowing."

Anna closed her mouth, and remained silent for a moment. She grinned at him, "I have just come to a realization. It is a theory that I have had for years as I have observed you, but now I know it to be true."

Ben looked up suspiciously as Anna continued. "You never learned how to fight. That is your problem."

"Beg pardon?" Ben said incredulously, "I'll have you know I fought the British for three long years!" He knew this was not the kind of fighting that Anna was referring to, but had to say something.

"Yes, yes, you do love your trump card." Anna said as she moved a piece forwards, rediscovering her Check. "What I meant was, you haven't learned how to fight with loved ones."

Ben stared at the board, realizing exactly where Anna was going. "If you are talking about Felicity, we have had our share of rows over the years, and they have always been forgiven."

"Oh? What is the most grievous thing you have ever done to Felicity?" Anna asked.

"It was pretty bad." Ben thought back. "I had gotten the impression that she had decided against calling it off with the physician, and told her I would be leaving. I'd rather not go into the particulars about it, so please don't ask. I'll have you know that we made up and all was forgiven less than twenty-four hours later."

"Aha, just twenty-four hours until all was forgiven? That was the worst of it?" Anna continued, "My theory is that since you never learned how to fight, you avoid conflict. You fear angering her. You fear her disappointment, her wrath."

Ben had been studying the board, trying to figure out how to free himself from this latest trap. Now, he was not sure if he really wanted to. Perhaps the easiest way for him to extract himself from this conversation would be to throw the game. He foolishly moved a pawn to an empty space. "I question your leap of logic. I'm not sure how you have woven your point as sufficiently as you would have liked." He folded his hands and looked up at Anna. "If you have a question for me, you should just ask it. Were you not the one advising me to be a better communicator?"

Anna grinned at him. "I only wish to make things comfortable for someone of such an avoidant nature."

"Just ask." Ben was beginning to feel irritated.

"Have you informed Felicity that you will be leaving?" Anna asked, her expression going serious.

Ben sighed. He had known exactly what Anna would be asking, yet the thought still rattled him. "No. I have not. In fact, the latest is that the ship will be heading out early, at the end of March. I will be missing her birthday." He looked at her miserably.

Anna gave him a sympathetic look. "What will you do if Mother or Father bring it up in front of Felicity?"

"Mother and Father don't know either." Ben said, wishing Anna would just declare checkmate and end the game so that he might leave.

"You did not tell them?" Anna asked.

Ben shrugged. "They did not ask."

Anna stared at Ben, "You really are an unbelievable sight, did you realize? You think you can just wander the world, everyone else be damned!"

"As a child, I often imagined I was a ghost. Ghosts don't say much, and they are often not seen. I believe I have adopted that manner as an adult. In fact, perhaps it is how I survived the war." Ben said, dismissing her growing ire. "Now, are there any moves you would like to make?" He gestured to the board.

Anna sighed, and did so. "Checkmate."

"Thanks for the game." Ben said, standing up and pulling some of the stiffness from his shoulders.

"Yes, but I know you threw it." Anna said. "'Tis just as well, it is nearly time to make dinner preparations."

Ben nodded. "Would you like for me to help in any way? Strangely I have no work to do, so I figured I would have a short rest."

"I advise you to rest while you can, since Mother and Father are expected to arrive tonight." Anna said, and he turned towards the door. A moment later, she called back out to him. "Oh, I just remembered. A letter arrived for you today. It is in the usual place."

"Thanks for telling me." Ben said. Usually the idea of a letter for him would put a thrill into the pit of his chest, but with Felicity here, it just left him feeling a little confused as to whom it was from. He walked to the parlor and sorted through the stack of "documents of moderate importance", as William liked to call them, until he found a letter addressed to him. The handwriting was not readily recognizable until he turned it over, and read the return address. _Mr. William Barnes_

 _Oh yes, I had written to Will more than a month ago, thanking him for assisting Lissie._

He waited until he got up to his bedroom before breaking the seal, and unfolded it as he laid down on his bed to read.

 _January 18th 1783_

 _Hello Ben,_

 _My best wishes to you in this brand new year of 1783! Did you ever think that we would live to see it? I sure as hell did not. I am pleased to hear that you are well, and in Philadelphia to boot! And with Felicity, why, this news has made my day._

 _'Twas no trouble at all to help Felicity out. I only wish I would have been able to finish the job with Andrews, but they scattered like birds sometime before I returned for them. But I tell myself that I did the important job by keeping her safe. I already felt so sorry for her, it just wasn't right the abuse and scorn she was getting from pretty much all of Williamsburg. 'Tis probably for the best that you were not here to see what I did; if you had, I think Andrews would be dead in his grave right now and you would be standing in front of the gallows._

 _But that is now all in the past and you two are together. So what is next, Old Friend? Am I to expect a wedding invitation soon?_

 _No other news here, my family and I are in excellent health and the shop is good. I know you were asking about Walter, so I'll go ahead and tell you. He had some crazy dream about re-enlisting in the army and volunteering to go way out west. And then, he disappeared. When we finally heard from him, he was all the way in the mountains in some outpost, don't remember the name. He swears that he is happy and we should not worry, and I'll take that at face value._

 _My good blessings to you and to Felicity,_

 _Will_

Ben read through the letter at least twice, trying to figure out what exactly Will meant by the "abuse and scorn" that Felicity was getting "from pretty much all of Williamsburg". He knew that Felicity had been alluding to feelings of great despair in the weeks leading up to her departure, but what of it? What had happened to her to derive scorn from all of Williamsburg? He knew Will was not a gossip, so if he had caught on to any problems, then they had to be severe.

He thought back to any hints, anything at all that might have tripped Felicity up. He had guessed that Felicity had a bit of a strained relationship with Elizabeth, who clearly did not approve of the two of them carrying on. But, it seemed as though their friendship had mended after his departure; Felicity had spoken fondly of the social circle that the Cole sisters had hosted.

 _But, what of the other Cole sister?_ He knew Annabelle could be nasty, but she had calmed down a great deal as the years went by, and while she had a rather sharp tongue, by and large she was harmless. No, Felicity knew how to handle Annabelle. If she had not told everyone about the kiss that he and Felicity shared during Publick Times nearly a lifetime ago, then it was not likely she would say anything now.

 _Wait….but of course. It could be no one else. Joseph must have finally opened up about what happened, what he had seen._ Ben closed his eyes, once again feeling great remorse about not being there to share in the burden of public scorn, that he left Felicity to deal with it all on her own. The rumors that flew must have provoked Andrews into attacking her. Perhaps, as Joseph and Andrews were friends, perhaps Joseph had given in the go-ahead to do something.

 _I can't leave again. I can't do it._ He took a shaky breath and leaned back into his pillow, a lump forming in his throat. _What did Felicity ever do to deserve someone like me?_

 _I have to leave. Our futures depend on it. But how am I ever going to tell her?_

He knew that Felicity would return soon from an outing with Lacey, and he wanted nothing more to wrap his arms around her. But, his head felt too heavy to move. He took a deep breath, and let fatigue take over.

…

Felicity sat in the parlor, a sheet of parchment in front of her and a quill at the ready. But, she was feeling simply too anxious to do anything. Ben and Anna's mother and father were expected to arrive this evening, nearly any moment now. Or, perhaps, it could be hours from now. Poor road conditions were likely this time of year; who knows what delays they may have run into? She took a calming breath and attempted to re-focus on the parchment. For the past few weeks she had been agonizing over the decision of what to write for her next essay. It had taken her so long that she had sent an apologetic note to Mr. Cornish at the publishers' office. He had responded graciously, telling her that these things could not be rushed, and to take the time she needed. She made have gotten a blessing to extend her deadline nearly indefinitely, but she knew better than to wear out her welcome.

Then, just a few nights prior, it had hit her. She had been lying awake, being driven half-mad by her indecision, when she realized that all she needed to write was a story about her and Ben. Well, not specifically about her and Ben, but a story about a fictional couple who started off as childhood friends, then became closer. It was so simple, all she had to do was to put her quill to the paper, and let her feelings and experiences come through. She had made sure to outline it properly, which made the task seem even easier. But on the other hand, sitting here in front of everyone, ready to greet her future mother and father in-law for what seemed like the first time.

She took a glance at Ben, who was sitting in an overstuffed chair close to the fire reading a book. He must have felt her gaze as he looked up, and a smile illuminated his face, but did not hide the dark circles that were under his eyes. She had gone to seek him out after returning from touring City Hall with Lacey, but he had been resting. Naps were not typical for Ben, and she was worried that he was taking ill.

A heavy knock on the door sounded, immediately followed by the rapid _clack-clack-clack_ of the door knocker. Felicity instinctively sat up straight in her chair as Ezra and Lacey jumped up and ran towards the front hallway. "They are here! Grandmother and Grandfather!"

Anna laughed and nodded to her husband, then looked towards Felicity. "I hope you are not too offended when you realize that Mama and Papa care most about the children. The rest of us are a distant second place. You will soon realize."

Felicity felt a little relieved at Anna's comment. If the children did capture much of Ingrid and Samuel Davidson's attention, then perhaps she would have less scrutiny from them.

Ben grinned and gestured towards the cradle. "Well, aren't you forgetting a very important job? Someone needs to prop Sibby up!"

William stepped forward, "I'll take on this role. Lord knows they doubt I am good for anything else. You two go and greet your folks. I'll be right behind you." He clicked his tongue and made a face as he reached into the cradle, and Felicity heard Sibby coo in response. "Ready to go see Grandmama and Grandpapa? Here we go!"

Felicity looked back towards Ben, and he gave her a reassuring smile. "You look quite nervous." He said, "I promise to you it is completely unnecessary. Come." He put a hand to her back to guide her along, and they walked side-by-side behind Anna towards the entry way.

Ingrid and Samuel Davidson were a handsome couple. They were likely a good fifteen, if not twenty years older than Felicity's mother and father, being that Felicity was the eldest child in her family, while Ben was the youngest by a fair distance. Mr. Davidson had long dark grey hair that was tied in a simple queue at the nape of his neck and pale blue eyes shielded behind eyeglasses. Mrs. Davidson had platinum grey hair that was worn in braids, which circled around her head and pinned underneath a lacy cap. At the moment, they were both kneeling down to speak to Ezra and Lacey at their level. Mrs. Davidson straightened up as she saw Ben, Anna, and Felicity, and laid a hand on Lacey's head to acknowledge her attention before addressing the three of them. "Ben, Anna. You both look so well. And Felicity! My darling, is that you? I am so happy to see you here." She reached out and put her hands on Felicity's cheeks, before embracing her. "You look so well, much happier than the last time we met."

"I am, thank you so much Mrs. Davidson." Felicity let herself relax, remembering how warm the older woman was. She dipped a small curtsey, remembering her manners.

Mrs. Davidson stepped back and looked her in the eye. "Now now, please call me Ingrid. I insist."

Felicity smiled as Ingrid turned her attention towards Anna and Ben and embraced the both of them together, speaking in a muffled tone that she couldn't quite make out. She turned towards Mr. Davidson and dipped a similar, small curtsey towards him. "Welcome, Mr. Davidson. 'Tis so good to see you."

"Likewise, Felicity. I share my wife's sentiment, and am pleased to see you looking so well. And please, you may call me Samuel." He gave her a gracious smile and she stepped to the side so that he might direct his attention to his children. Like his wife, he embraced the two of them at once, speaking words that Felicity couldn't quite hear. She focused on Ben's expression, all hints of fatigue gone and replaced with a bright smile. Ingrid spoke again, and Felicity realized that she was speaking in Swedish. She felt a sinking feeling that she had not once bothered to learn any words of Ben's second language. The idea hadn't even crossed her mind. _How could I have been so thoughtless?_

Just then, William entered, holding Sibby who stared at her grandfather and grandmother with wide eyed curiosity. The reaction was immediate and Ben and Felicity were forgotten as Anna, Ingrid, and Samuel surrounded the baby. She looked over to Ben as he took a quick sidestep, ending swiftly right at her side. He flashed her a smile and clasped her hand, giving it a squeeze.

"You look so happy." Felicity murmured to him.

"Of course. You see how happy my mother and father are to see you? I told you that there is nothing to worry about." Ben whispered to her.

The two of them fell silent, holding hands as they observed Ingrid holding Sibby and bouncing her up and down. The baby squealed with delight, and Ingrid and Samuel both broke out in laughter.

"I don't know any Swedish." Felicity commented, externalizing her concerns.

Ben gave her an amused look, before speaking up. "Jag älskar dig."

Felicity smiled resignedly with the realization that she would eventually need to remedy this.

The family and Felicity eventually made their way to the dining room. An official dinner had not been planned due to the uncertainty of the timing of Samuel and Ingrid's arrival, and Siobhan had simply prepared simple plates of breads, cheeses, sausage, and preserves to eat. Felicity took a plate and was careful to only take a little bit of everything as to not appear a glutton. However, it was all the same as she still had a few residual butterflies in her stomach over meeting Ben's parents.

The children ate quickly and escaped from the table, leaving the adults to speak at length. Felicity stayed relatively quiet, content to listen to Anna and William discuss the recent advancements of their work in and around the city as Ingrid asked them questions. Samuel occasionally chimed in, and Felicity quickly realized that Ben had inherited his father's quiet disposition.

Speaking of quiet disposition, Felicity turned to Ben, who was seated right next to her. His parents had not asked him many questions thus far, but she figured it was due to the fact that he had been living under the same roof as them less than three months ago, while they had not seen Anna or William for about a year. She switched her fork to her left hand so that she could clasp his hand under the table, something that she commonly did during mealtimes.

Ben had been listening intently to William's story about negotiating with Italian traders, however a ghost of a smile passed his lips as Felicity took his hand. She felt him squeeze her hand in response and settled back into her dinner. A moment later, Ingrid spoke up. "Felicity, dear, are you left-handed? How peculiar!"

Felicity felt her face flush as she willed her left hand to drop the fork. "Beg pardon? No, no Ma'am, it's just…I…" she stammered, not thinking to release Ben's hand.

"Those two often hold hands under the table." Anna said nonchalantly.

"We've been caught." Ben grinned and brought his hand up, which still encircled Felicity's.

Ingrid clasped her hands and smiled. "Oh, to see you two together at long last, it does my heart so well. I am so happy! Aren't they precious, Sam?"

"Indeed." Samuel said, giving them an approving nod.

"We have some planning to do for the both of you, as I see it. Now, where do we begin? Has there been any progress?" Ingrid asked.

Unsure of where to begin, Felicity looked at Ben. He cleared his throat. "We have been so busy with our new lives that we have not made plans yet. But let us not take time for granted."

Felicity ran Ben's comment through her mind, thinking it to be quite vague. While she did have the frequent thought that she should be making plans beyond her appointment as governess, her writing and her obligation to Lacey would always push to the forefront of her mind, distracting her from everything else. Luckily Ben seemed to be completely understanding of this. Similarly, Ingrid seemed to accept this answer completely. "Of course. You must first ask for Mr. and Mrs. Merriman's blessing. Then the real work begins. We will of course speak more of it later." She grinned at Samuel, then refocused back towards Anna and William.

Still clasping Felicity's hand, Ben took his thumb and rubbed Felicity's knuckles, giving her what looked to be a reassuring smile. She figured that he was thinking of when he would go to Williamsburg to visit with her mother and father. It would have to be after she finished her appointment with the Spencers, so not until late June. There was still plenty of time to plan for their engagement, and beyond.

Contrary to Felicity's initial belief that Ben and Anna's parents would keep her busy, the next week was one of the most relaxed she would have thus far in Philadelphia. Ezra went back to school, and Lacey was given a reprieve from her studies so that she could spend time with her grandmother. Felicity would have felt rather useless if not for the fact that she had her story to write. As she was not bound by her responsibilities as a governess, the temptation was there to spend several hours of the day shut up in her room with it, although she was sure to spend time with Ingrid.

Ingrid was so pleased to hear that Felicity was now a published author that she went out and purchased Felicity heaps of paper and a brand new quill set. Felicity could tell that she was always torn between wanting to ask about her work, and not wanting to badger her with a risk of ruining what she referred to as a creative process. Felicity had just grinned and told her that there was not a creative process to speak of, she just took inspiration from people that had run through her life as she was growing up.

There had been one topic that had given her pause; Ingrid had asked how her parents felt about the news that her work had been published. Felicity had confessed that she had not yet told them.

 _"May I ask why not? The way things are going for you, they will find out eventually_." Ingrid had asked one afternoon over coffee.

Felicity had made the conscious decision earlier on that she would wait to tell her family of her successes. It wasn't that she thought they would be outright displeased, quite on the contrary! But, the memory that her mother had not written to her still had lasting effects. It wasn't anger she felt, but more of a guarded feeling, as though she didn't want to let them in on her more personal life. While she did miss them, they were a part of Williamsburg and a casualty of the overall hurt that she felt when she thought of Williamsburg. _"I don't know, exactly."_ She had told Ingrid _, "I feel as though I need to have just a bit more success before I reveal myself to them. I don't wish to risk their disappointment."_

 _"Well, I'm so happy that you have chosen to confide in us. I don't know who could see you as a disappointment."_ Ingrid had smiled at her, and while her warm words gave Felicity comfort, she felt a lingering sadness over the fact that she had chosen to hide what she was beginning to regard as an integral part of her life from her family.

 _I must count my blessings, she thought, that I have been welcomed with such open arms by all of the Davidsons. Perhaps I should be considering them as my true family._

 _She took a breath to strengthen her resolve, and smiled at Ingrid._

…

Ben watched over his father's shoulder as he flipped through all of this earning statements. He had asked for a bit of advice on setting himself up for the next few years, and of course, this would be the conversation where he would add his father to the list of people that knew he would be setting sail to Europe in the coming months. He knew that his father would be easy to confide in, as it was likely he would focus on the more logistical, financial aspects of the situation rather than the heavy emotional side.

"Everything is looking quite good. And of your expenses?" Samuel asked, not looking up from the documents in front of him.

"Not much to speak of." Ben said. "I did need new clothing and new shoes upon arriving here, and I do buy groceries and other supplies regularly for Anna and William to give back to them for letting me stay here."

"And this?" Samuel asked, pulling a receipt closer to him to get a better look.

"Oh. I bought a pocket watch for Felicity. I figured she might be able to use one." Ben said, flushing a little. "Er, it is my Valentine's gift for her, so please keep it a secret." He wondered if his father would admonish him over the costly gift being that he was just previously living in relative poverty.

The corners of his father's mouth turned upwards, "I won't tell your mother, if that is what you meant."

"Exactly." Ben said.

Samuel wrote a few numbers down, seemingly adding through Ben's cumulative capital. After a moment, he spoke up. "Everything looks quite promising. You have been in your new position for two months now?"

"Three." Ben said. "My salary began as I signed the contract."

"How long is this contract?" Samuel asked.

 _How long exactly will the journey take?_ "The contract has a total of three years on it, but additional contracts will be offered to me upon successful completion of this one." Ben replied.

"And how will you be splitting the time between Philadelphia and Yorktown, I presume? These questions are very important, as you might consider purchasing real estate in one place over the other." Samuel turned and looked at Ben.

"Father, to be honest…there is something I need to tell you." Ben kept his voice steady. "I will not be in Philadelphia or Yorktown. My job as stated in my current contract requires me to travel through northern Europe to Finland. The ship sails at the end of this coming March."

Samuel blinked, but kept a straight expression. "How long will you remain abroad?"

"A year and a half. I'll return to the Colonies after the tour for the final four months of my contract." Ben replied.

Samuel was quiet for a moment as he considered this. "Well, I suppose this kind of assignment is not at all surprising, given that you work for a shipping company and have a merchant's training." He smiled and put a hand on Ben's shoulder. "This is a promising start to your career. I'm very proud of you."

Ben felt himself smile, but wanted to clear the most important part with his father. "There is something I would like you to understand. I've not told Felicity yet," He saw the look of surprise on his father's face and wanted to head it off right away, "'Tis a very complicated issue, and I will tell her, very soon. Just-, just don't mention it to anyone but me for now."

"I won't tell your mother if that is what you mean. But Ben, I advise you to tell Felicity first. I imagine it is quite insulting to be the last to know something." Samuel said.

"Yes, of course. I'm well aware. I thought it to be best to wait until she submitted her second story to the publishing office. I do not want to distract her right now." Ben knew that this was not a completely accurate claim, but he did not wish to speak about these things with his father.

Samuel nodded. "I think she would understand. Perhaps she might even see it as a benefit to not be distracted at this time with all that is going on."

Ben felt as though his father was being inaccurately optimistic with that last claim, but he let it go. It was just as well, as Samuel steered the conversation in a different direction. "An important logistical factor to consider now, is your salary. I know you will not have time to marry before you leave; will you at least have time to become engaged? You should consider this, if you want Felicity to have a claim to your earnings if there is something that might delay your return or heaven forbid, if something more serious might happen to you. I imagine that you will want her to be taken care of."

"Of course." Ben hadn't considered this. An engagement would require him to travel all the way to Williamsburg and ask Mr. and Mrs. Merriman, then return to Philadelphia to set sail before the end of March, six weeks away. There was little time, and simply no way that he might take off from work for that long, at this time.

It seemed that his father had also come to that realization, but didn't state it outright. "I'd advise you to speak to a lawyer, and consult your company about it. I'm sure this is very commonplace. Perhaps something can be worked out for her." He rose from the chair. "I must be on my way, for I promised William I would advise him on some accounting issues that he has been having. I must say, this conversation has not gone the way that I had planned; I was prepared to begin advising you on buying a home!" He smiled and clapped a hand on Ben's shoulder. "Your mother is always complaining that you never tell her anything, that you keep secrets. Please talk to her more often, or I for sure will go mad from hearing about it."

"Yes Father. I'll try to do better." Ben smiled. "Thank you for the advice."

"Oh, and while we are on that subject, your mother thinks you look tired, and wanted me to ask about it. But I imagine you have quite a bit to manage right now. I'm sure you will navigate it well. 'Tis all a part of growing up." He gave Ben a nod, then left.

Ben sat back down at his desk, and began to organize all of the little slips and receipts that were spread across the table. _Father's right. 'Tis all a part of growing up, and I'm completely failing in practically the most important aspects of it._

….

Valentine 's Day was just two days away, and the fact that soon he would need to be having a difficult conversation with Felicity convinced Ben that he needed to get creative. He had already bought Felicity a handsome pocket watch that had nearly cost him an entire month's salary, but he knew that he needed to do more. He had the idea that he would leave Felicity a number of little notes in her room, so that she may think of him fondly. Perhaps it may help her to deal with my absence on better terms.

Felicity had been spending quite a bit of time in her room the past week, trying to finish a story. She had not let him read it, only blushing bright red and asking for his forgiveness. He had done his best to honor her wishes with grace, but made her promise that he might be able to read it after publication.

 _"But of course! It will be in the public domain by then, after all."_ She had said, and he wondered if he might feel insulted about being lumped in with the public domain. But, he figured when it came down to it, he was about to commit the far worse offense to their relationship.

Felicity had started her lessons with Lacey once again, so he knew she was occupied. Therefore, the coast was clear. He pressed open the door to her room, and immediately fought off the urge to laugh. The bed was unmade with no less than four quilts strewn about, several articles of clothing were falling out of her dresser, a bodice was tossed over her desk chair, shoes and stockings were strewn across the floor, and the desk was littered with stacks of paper. He knew that Siobhan would have readily tidied up, but Felicity was insistent that the girl leave her things be.

Still though, I wonder if this is how she would have kept her childhood bedroom if her parents had not been insistent that she keep it tidy?

Perhaps he didn't know the answer to that. Truth be told, he rarely ventured into Felicity's room, whether it be back in Williamsburg, or here in Philadelphia. It was her that always came to bid him a good night, and her that would spend hours back in his loft in Williamsburg, talking about everything and nothing all at once.

He tore his eyes from the clutter of the room, and focused on the desk. The heaviness that hung in the air sorted itself out into a feeling of unfamiliarity, as if he had been given access to her mind, and he became aware of the secrets that she still held.

 _My darling, what happened to you in Williamsburg?_ He had decided not to speak to her about Will's letter. Once again, it was all for the purpose of not distracting her. But now that she had submitted her writing, he would be sure to sit her down and speak about this these heavy topics. And of course, perhaps it didn't need to be terrible. Perhaps it was like his father would predict, that she could use the time to develop her own career.

 _Perhaps everything will be okay. She loves you, and she is fiercely independent._

He focused on her desk drawer, wanting the first note to be hidden, but easily recovered. He walked over and slid it open, then dug into his pocket for a note. As he was about to place it, he saw an open letter with Elizabeth Cole's unmistakable signature on the bottom.

Elizabeth Cole. Now, that was a name that Felicity did not utter very often. He had always been fond of Felicity's childhood best friend, and had been a little curious as to why Felicity did not speak of her often. Why had she not told him that she received a letter?

He knew that he shouldn't, but he did.

 _December 29th, 1782_

 _Dearest Felicity,_

 _By the time that this letter reaches you, the holiday season will be over so I would like to take the opportunity to wish you a Merry Christmastide and a Happy New Year._

 _Lissie, I want to express first and foremost my deepest regrets over what happened to you back in Williamsburg. I have had much time to think about it, and I am sorry that I hurt you so much by being with Joseph given your history with him. I also regret revealing all of those things in front of all of the other ladies; I should have known what the consequences of my actions would be. I did not mean it when I said that I had grown bored with you confiding in me, it was quite the contrary. And then, as I heard the townsfolk saying all of those horrible things about you, I realized with horror that it was all my doing. When things could not get worse, I learned how that man cornered and attacked you._

 _By the time I had come to my senses and made the decision to seek you out, I learned that you had gone. It took me a few more weeks to muster up the courage to speak with your sister, asking where you had gone. I feel some satisfaction knowing that you are up in Philadelphia, taking on a role as governess. I have heard about how grand the city is, and as a governess, I'll wager that you are having the time of your life there! I would not be surprised if you did not miss us in the slightest._

 _There is one more thing I would like to let you know, something of a personal nature. I would like to tell you that Joseph and I will be married at the end of January. I know this is rather sudden, and this is all that we are telling the public. You are the only one I will tell the truth to, because I think I owe it to you. The reason is that I have recently confirmed that I am with child. The only other people that know are Mama and Annabelle. I am sure that Father knows, but he avoided hearing about it and now barely looks me in the eye. I am doing all that I can to keep myself in a downward spiral of shame and guilt, the roots of which appeared since I all but drove you out of Williamsburg. I do not know what you plan on doing with the information on my predicament, perhaps I feel a slight, repentant wish for you to tell anyone and everyone what I have done so that I may have some atonement for the ill I have caused you._

 _Lissie, I do wish that you were here. The truth of it is that I am a little frightened at how quickly things are moving for me. You would be the one to tell me that everything is fine, that marriage and a family are only good things. Joseph is excited to be wed and ecstatic about the baby so I have confidence that we will surely be happy._

 _I must end this letter, because I feel I have droned on enough. I do want to mention that both you and Ben are formally invited to the wedding, although you are too far away and Ben likely will not attend without you. But the invitation stands._

 _Lissie, I hope you do not judge me too harshly._

 _Think fondly on me,_

 _Elizabeth_

Ben slowly folded the letter up, his feelings of guilt over snooping quickly replaced with feelings of confusing. _Elizabeth was to marry Joseph? As in, Felicity's former beau? That Joseph?_

He heard a noise coming from downstairs, and it made him acutely aware that he was somewhere that he was not supposed to be. He replaced the letter and slipped out of Felicity's room, closing the door neatly behind him.

As if he were in trance, he walked to his bedroom and sat down at his desk chair, mind still reeling over what the letter revealed.

 _Elizabeth is expecting?_

 _Why did Felicity not tell me more about the abuse she was receiving in Williamsburg?_

And perhaps, most importantly, w _hy the Hell would Felicity be hurt over Joseph? She had no love for him, perhaps even despised him!_

 _Remember, hate is not the opposite of love. Perhaps she saw Joseph happy with someone else, and it woke up something inside of her._

 _She did not want you to know, for it might be for reasons that would make you turn against her._

….

A/N: So late. I'm really sorry about this :(

Again, I'm posting first, editing later. Hope there is nothing glaring.


	20. Chapter 20

**A/N:** Re-submitted with a few edits for readability. Don't stay up writing past your bedtimes, kids.

….

"Miss Felicity Merriman, here to see Mr. James Cornish. I have an appointment at 2 o'clock." Felicity told the clerk at the publishing office. She had expected that this meeting would find her nervous, but refreshingly, she felt fully at ease here. She had delivered her finished story to the office several days ago, and now was to meeting with Mr. Cornish over his decision with it.

The story was more than three weeks late, as she had agonized over the decision of what exactly to write about. Her first story had gotten her high praise by Mr. Cornish himself. He had told her that such beginner's luck was common among young writers as they would put the whole of their limited life experience into one story, and have nothing left for the stories to come. She knew that he did not necessarily mean to make her anxious, but it certainly was the end result.

It was only a week ago that she had suddenly gotten an idea that seemed so simple, so obvious that she was surprised that she had not thought of it before. When she had gone to see Mr. Cornish personally two weeks ago to apologize for her lateness, he seemed to have given her the hint that she needed to draw from her own experiences to write a really great piece. She decided to take that advice and looked within herself, considering all of her experiences and emotions. It was almost absurd how many there were to choose from; she had a very complex and complicated relationship with her mother, Elizabeth's almost-betrayal of her and what followed it, the rediscovery of herself and her abilities as a writer, and most-importantly, her complicated but never wavering relationship with Ben.

Writing about her relationship and experiences with Ben was easy. As an added bonus, it was a love story. Were not all of the notes she had found posted to the city bulletin about love? Hadn't all of the ladies back in her social group spoken endlessly about men, finding a good man, and marrying? Even her story about Jiggy Nye that Mr. Cornish had praised, why, that had been essentially a love story as well!

So now, as she waited outside of Mr. Cornish's office to hear his decision on her story, she felt nothing but pride and confidence that he would surely love this one as well. And then, perhaps he would propose another commission for her. And the payment, she would take this payment and purchase a lovely Valentine's Day gift for Ben.

"Miss Merriman? Mr. Cornish will see you now." The clerk said, gesturing her to follow him. She did so, excitement rising in her chest with each step she took. Mr. Cornish's office was large, holding a full, multi-tiered desk against a large window that looked over the town square. The scale of the room had once been intimidating, but now Felicity felt at ease. Perhaps she would one day too have an office of her own this size. The clerk left, but Mr. Cornish did not look up. Felicity frowned a little at his silence, the excitement in her chest turning towards anxiety. Finally, he looked up, and she gave an automatic curtsey. "Mr. Cornish, thank you for meeting with me."

"Miss Merriman, I am so glad you have come. Please, have a seat." He gestured towards the chair that sat opposite the desk. She did so, and he began. "Miss Merriman, I read your story through, top to bottom, left to right, back and through and in reverse. I put it down to think about it, that possibly it would appear in my dreams. And I have to admit that through all of my exercises, it did not have much an effect on me. And frankly, I should know, as a reader, that a good story does not require so much effort to enjoy it."

Felicity blinked in surprise, not expecting this sort of an answer. "Beg pardon Sir?"

He waved a hand as if to placate her. "I did not mean to put it down so thoroughly. It is a sweet story of a long courtship that seems to rapidly resolve itself. I suppose it is something that young female readers might enjoy. But, it is sorely lacking in many of the aspects that make a story great. Not to mention, it also lacks an ending."

Dread started to settle in the pit of her stomach as Mr. Cornish's words set in, and it took a moment before she found her voice. "With all due respect, Sir, it does have an ending."

Mr. Cornish made a so-so gesture with his hand. "I suppose it does, yes. But I felt it was quite wanting. There is weak conflict, and then a wedding?" He shook his head.

"So, it is no good." Felicity tried hard to keep her voice from wavering.

"No, no my dear. It is quite okay. But you-," he frowned, as if searching for the right words to use, "Your first story was excellent. Just the type of story we search for in this establishment. Your new story is adequate, but then again, there are many adequate stories out there. We do not wish to trade in stories that are simply adequate."

Felicity took a breath. For some reason, Joseph's words echoed through her head as he calmly recited his thoughts on how she could not compare to Elizabeth. It was the tone, that achingly calm, placid tone that really drove the knife in. She felt tears well up in her eyes, and blinked once, twice, to clear them _. Don't you dare cry!_ "Does this….does this mean that….,"

"Miss Merriman, please take heart. I have no interest in calling off your contract. I implore you to go back and edit this story, or to take the time to start a new one. And please come to me if you have any issues or need some guidance." He pushed the stacks of paper that made up her story towards her.

"Thank you Sir, for your continued patience. I'll do my best." Felicity said, feeling as if she were but six years old. She stood and curtseyed, and he nodded a dismissal at her. "Take care, Miss Merriman."

Felicity left the publishers office and walked through the town square, back towards the Spencers' home as if she were in a daze. She had really, truly written this story from the heart. Was it indeed just adequate? Mediocre?

 _What do I lack?_

 _"You have but a long way to go, daughter."_ Her mother's voice echoed through her mind. But, there was no exact memory of her mother directly saying this to her.

Felicity arrived back to the Spencers' home and replaced her rejected story atop her desk, then forced her mind to clear so that she could guide Lacey in her daily lessons. Working with the girl was indeed comforting, and she felt a slight sense of reprieve that even if she failed as a writer, perhaps she was doing just fine as a governess. And perhaps, that was enough.

 _It is not enough._ The realization hit her like cannon shot to the chest. She had tasted success, and this was but one minor setback. No, it wasn't that she had failed here, it was the story. And maybe, maybe she could see it from Mr. Cornish's point of view. She had written a silly love story that perhaps readers who had similar experiences would enjoy, but as for everyone else it perhaps was a bit trite.

Dinnertime found her sitting with the Davidsons and the Spencers, half an ear trained upon the conversation taking place, and the rest of her mind occupied with the fate of her story. The depression and shock still lingered, but was replaced by a steely determination to rise beyond this and make the next piece of writing truly brilliant. But, was it better to re-write her story? Or just start over from scratch?

She stole a glance at Ben, who was seated next to her. He had also not been participating in the conversation, which by itself was not necessarily strange, but usually he would at least keep eye contact. At this moment, he seemed to be staring into his plate as he used a fork to move the roasted beets around his plate. She felt her fingers twitch a bit as she felt the impulse to take his idle hand, although at the moment it rested on top of the table.

Something seemed off about Ben, and she felt a little guilty that she had not been able to speak with him since yesterday. The characters of her story were based on the two of them so it felt like she had been spending time with him as he had been on her mind so often, but, her writing was not reality. And in reality, she had barely said two words to him the last three days. She noticed that his hand was back onto his knee, and she reached over to take it. _How could I even be thinking about starting a new story? I must re-write this one, it will be all for us…_

As Felicity's fingers brushed his hand, he abruptly took it away and set his elbow on top of the table. She blinked, a little confused as his rebuff and looked up, thinking that he had gone distracted. But, he continued to stare straight ahead, merely taking a bite of bread as his family talked amongst themselves. The alarm was ringing in her mind that something was indeed off, and come to think of it, she had seen this kind of behavior before. It was a few years back, and Ben had just returned to Williamsburg to resume his apprenticeship and Joseph was in the picture….Felicity knew now that Ben had been expressing some feelings of resentment and jealousy over the man.

 _What could possibly be the matter now? It can't be just because I've been neglecting him. Ben knows and claims to understand how busy I am. After all, he is just as busy with his endless piles of work!_

She re-focused on her dinner, thinking that she would speak to Ben tonight.

…

Ben spread a map of the Atlantic across the floor of his room, then placed a calendar adjacent to it. He had a mind to create a rough schedule of his journey, so that he could get an idea of when exactly he would arrive at each destination. This was not exactly his area of expertise and the company had a staff of cartographers that would be able to do a much more precise job of it, but this seemed like an interesting enough task to take a stab at it.

There was the slight issue that he had no experience with mapping out shipping routes, but how hard could it be?

He picked up a set of calipers and sat back on his heels, thinking through this problem.

 _The ship will take four weeks to cross the Western Ocean, so, I can just use a set of calipers to measure the distance to Amsterdam along the West Variation, then divide that by four to find how far we will travel in a week, then divide that by seven to see how much ground the ship may cover in a day._

 _Perfect._ He felt a thrill at this ability to reason through this problem, which brought him a bit of relief from the dark cloud that had pervaded his thoughts the last day and a half.

 _Damn it all, there it is again._ He had wanted to distract himself, to forget about Elizabeth's letter that may have hinted towards Felicity having residual feelings for Joseph. He sighed, feeling guilt prickle him at how easily he could manage to jump to conclusions like that. _Remember, you love Felicity, and she loves you._

He had initially felt anger after reading the letter, and had to work hard to keep his boyhood temper in check and look at it objectively. Felicity and Elizabeth had a falling out, and now Elizabeth was to marry Joseph and have his child. The two things were not necessarily connected.

The obvious thing to do would have been to talk with Felicity, but she had damn near made that impossible the last day and a half. He had tried to get a moment alone to speak with her, but she had just given him a smile that did not look all that apologetic. This had not done well to keep his temper in check. At dinner she had made an effort to take his hand, but he had been too caught up with his thoughts on the matter to acknowledge her. He knew that his brush-off had been harsh, and she had to have known that there was something on his mind. It was certain that she would come knocking at some point to ask him about it. Then, they could talk.

Until then he had an activity that would occupy his mind. He searched the map until he found the towns of The Hague, Esbjerg, and Kristiensand, and measured the distances between them, then recorded it on a sheet of paper. This was followed by taking a rough measurement along the jagged coastline to Copenhagen. The next step was to add one week onto the location of each port they were to visit, and two weeks for major supply areas to take into account how long they would visit. There were some locations where Ben was to leave the ship completely, and scout out the inland trade routes. But how long will that take? He sat back on his heels, thinking that he would need to consult with the trekkers, who knew the terrain better and how long it would take to move from point A to point B.

 _Don't stop now, everything is going fine. Finish the task that you started._ Perhaps he would start with the easy part first, and measure the distance between Philadelphia and The Hague. He leaned forward to place the calipers, and at that moment, a knock sounded on the door. He felt a burst of excitement in his chest before he realized that he was a little sore at her. "Who is it?"

"It's Lissie. May I come in?" Her voice sounded from the other side of the door.

"Please." Ben replied, unsure of what else to say. He sat back on his heels, calipers and quill in hand as she stepped into the room, closing the door behind her.

He watched her take a quick survey of the room, imagining her mentally guessing what he might be up to. Finally, her face broke out into a small smile. "This looks like an interesting task. I did not know that you were pursuing cartography."

"It is more geography, I think." He looked down at the map and idly studied the Mediterranean coast, aware of Felicity walking around him and sitting down upon his bed. _Corsica…Sardinia…..Crete…._

"Ben? You are not wearing my coral necklace anymore?" It was both an observation and a question. He looked back up at Felicity, and saw the confusion laced with a slight sense of hurt across her face. He felt slightly guilty, noticing that she wore his signal whistle around her neck like always.

He struggled to come up with an excuse, not even attempting to avoid lying. "I had a rather important meeting today with a visiting official. And it was getting in the way of my cufflinks."

"…are you going to put it back on?" Felicity asked, her brow furrowed.

Ben suddenly felt very weary. He put the calipers down and rubbed his eyes, then turned around and looked at her, there, sitting on his bed, full of secrets. "I don't know. Yes. Felicity, what did you want? Are you retiring for the day and wish to bid me a good night?" He knew that he was doing a poor job of holding his frustration back.

"Not yet. I wanted to speak with you." Felicity said, seemingly unsurprised by his mood. He raised his eyebrows, and she continued. "I wanted to apologize for ignoring you the last few days. I've been awfully preoccupied by various tasks. But," she paused, "I also had a mind not to bother you with your work. I get the feeling that I often distract you, when you are so busy." She looked down upon the map. "Is this something you need to finish tonight?"

"This is not work. Just for my own interest." Ben said as he watched her.

"I see." Felicity said, raising an eyebrow. "Well, does this mean that there is nothing else pressing tonight? Why don't you come downstairs and join us all?"

Ben did not really care to go and join the family, nor did he really care to offer up an excuse. He shrugged again, simply stating, "I am alright up here." He knew full well that they needed to talk, and had mentally and emotionally prepared himself for it. But now, as she stood in front of him, he found that he had nothing to say to her. It was going to be up to her to begin the conversation.

But, she did not, instead simply standing up and gathering her skirts so that she might step over the map laid across the floor. "Well," her tone had gone dismissive, "I'll leave you to it, then." He looked up in surprise, and saw that her cheeks were flushed, eyes slightly narrowed.

Ben felt a slight sense of remorse, realizing that she had in fact already tried to initiate an apology for brushing him off. "Lissie, wait."

She turned around, the angry flush still across her face. "So you don't wish to so rudely dismiss me then?"

"No, of course not. I apologize for that. Please, come and talk to me." He knew that he couldn't stay mad at her, that he was useless in the face of her anger. _You are wrong about everything. Joseph is not in the picture, Felicity is here and she loves me._

Felicity seemed to calm down. She smiled and walked back towards him, and in response, Ben stood up and instinctively held out his arms. She quickened her steps and fell into his embrace, as it was just so natural to do, wrapping her arms around his waist. "I didn't mean to be so short." He found himself saying, despite his earlier insistence that he was to be cross with her. She had come up, seeking him out to apologize. Everything was fine.

"Do you want to sit down?" He whispered towards her, thinking they could lie on the bed together and talk like they had not done for several days.

Her response surprised him. "Actually, I must be getting back to work. I need to attend to one of my stories. I hope you understand."

"What?" He asked in disbelief, pulling away from the embrace and taking her by the shoulders. "So you do not wish to stay?" _Yet another refusal. This was unacceptable. How could I have just forgiven her so easily…what about Elizabeth's letter?_

This would not stand. "So you just came in here to say about five words to me, make me feel like a beast for dismissing you, then take your leave?" He asked.

"Ben," Felicity's mouth twisted in what looked to be remorse, but he didn't believe it was as genuine as she wished it to look. "I have something I need to fix, or should I say adjust? It must be done as soon as possible, until I get it right. Please, I want you to trust me and to understand. I'll make amends to you as soon as I can."

Ben exhaled, feeling irritation grow within him. "Felicity, what is it you need to fix?" She needed to be honest with him, just this once. Was it the mysterious story that she would not let him read, nor divulge even the slightest bit of information about?

"I just need to get it right. Ben please trust me. You'll understand soon enough." She repeated evenly, a determined look appearing across her calm visage.

Ben was not going to get anything from her, and attempting to do so was futile. "Fine, just go. And while you are at it, I suppose you will want to write Elizabeth and wish her well." He did not intend for that last statement to surface, but did not regret it.

"What?" Now it was Felicity's turn to speak with disbelief. "What did you just say?" Her face had visibly paled.

Ben was openly angry now. "Just go," he waved his hand at her.

Felicity's mouth moved, as if she was searching for the words to say. Finally, she spoke, "What did you just say of Elizabeth?"

"So you've not written a response to her? Not sent a gift for the baby?" He said with mock politeness.

Felicity was catching on. "No, I have not." She crossed her arms at her chest, "Dare I ask how you know of Elizabeth's predicament?"

Ben did not care to answer her question. "You've said but nothing to her? She is in need of a friend, just as she said. Or," he paused, glaring at her, "Is there another reason to be angry with her?"

"As a matter of fact," Felicity glared right back at him, "There is."

"Enlighten me." Ben said, crossing his arms at his chest.

"Not right now, and not with your tone," snapped Felicity. "You wouldn't even begin to understand what Elizabeth did to me, and what came of it. I have no wish to dredge it up."

Ben couldn't believe it. This was to be just one more secret that she was keeping from him. He balled his fists. "Am I just left to expect the worst then?"

"And what would that be?" Felicity challenged as she leaned towards him.

"Your feelings for Joseph. Seeing them together made you jealous, so you took it out on Elizabeth." Ben knew there was no way to make this allegation without sounding like a gossipy old woman, but there was no other way to state it. "You still had feelings for him all this time, and I went along with it like a damn fool!"

Felicity stared at him with wide-eyed disbelief. She spoke, her voice going deadly calm. "One thing I know for certain in this world is how much I loathe the man. And you dare think I still have feelings for him?" She gave a short, incredulous laugh. "Have you gone mad?"

Ben lifted his chin. "Well, you have to admit that hate is not the opposite of love. Indifference is. Some may say that the two emotions often go hand in hand."

"What?" Felicity shook her head, "I simply cannot..I cannot believe the words you are saying to me. Do you even know me?"

"I thought I did." Ben said, "But there are so many secrets that you continue to keep from me. So now I have to ask myself, how much do I know Felicity Merriman? I realize the answer is not much, not much at all. All of the things that Will told me about how much grief you were getting from the public, your anger with Elizabeth as she is set to marry the man who had nearly been your fiancé…." He narrowed his eyes at her. "What am I to think? What kind of person are you, pray tell me?"

"You insult me!" Felicity balled her fists at her sides, her voice dropping to a furious whisper. "It is just like they all said about me, are you sure you don't call Williamsburg home?" Ben was left momentarily confused by the non-connected statements. Felicity continued, "and for one, it is truly rich that you complain of my secrets, when you have one of your own!"

"My secret?" Ben frowned, wondering if Felicity already knew about his upcoming travel to Europe. Had she gone snooping through his room just like he had done? Though he knew full well that it made him a hypocrite, he was still angered by this. "Tell me, just what is my secret, and how did you find out?"

"Your coworker, some ginger-haired man told me about how you were departing back to Yorktown earlier than thought, at the end of March," snapped Felicity. "Why did you keep this from me? Don't you think it might have been important for me to know?"

Ben paused, thinking over what Felicity just revealed to him. Why on earth did she think he was returning to Yorktown? "You are mistaken. Well, not completely, but on one detail."

"Oh?" Felicity asked. "Feel free to correct me!"

Ben put his voice into a deadly calm. "I am leaving, but not for Yorktown. For Scandinavia."

Felicity looked as though she didn't hear him correctly. "What? I beg your pardon?"

"Is there a word you did not understand?" He asked.

"Scandinavia? As in, Europe?" Felicity asked. Her mouth hung open as she awaited his reply. "For good? How long?" She opened her balled fists, revealing shaking hands.

"Two years, maybe more." Ben said nonchalantly. He knew he was in deep, but there was no turning back now.

"You….you _lied_ to me!" Felicity's voice had risen in pitch, and he was worried that someone would hear.

"I didn't." He felt himself say, though it he heard it from far away, as though he was removed from his body. "You simply assumed, and I did not correct you."

"You…I cannot…," Felicity's hands continued to tremble, and she balled them once again. Her eyes brimmed with tears and she took a sharp breath before visibly forcing composure onto herself. She then looked up at him and strode forward with an arm raised, almost as though she was about to strike him. Ben instinctively took a step back, just in time for her to smack the open inkpot from the top of his desk so that it shattered, spilling its contents across the map.

Before Ben could protest, she strode from the room, slamming the door behind her.

…

Felicity laid perfectly still in her bed that night. If she closed her eyes, she could pretend that she was floating. It did not matter if it was within sky, water, or ether, but anything that might take her away from the weight of her being against terra firma.

After her fight with Ben, her instinct was one of pure composure. She had gone to her room and immediately splashed cold water on her face to keep from dissolving into tears. From there, she willed herself to look into the mirror and took stock of the wild, betrayed look in her eyes, the hair that frizzed out from her cap, and her mouth that still trembled, all due to a man that she loved and regarded above all others, doubting her character and telling her of his departure all within the span of two minutes.

She had willed herself to catch her breath and calm her racing heart, to the point of being able to return to join the Spencers and the Davidsons down in the sitting room without any of them realizing that something was amiss with her. There she sat for another hour and helped Lacey understand a rather complicated passage, spoke about the conditions of the riding trails near King's Creek with Anna, and discussed the benefits of licorice for mild chest ailments with Ingrid. She had planned to work on her story, but that was out of the question with what had just transpired between her and Ben.

The story. It sat only five feet away from her, basking innocently in its false premises and mediocrity. She broke her concentration and turned her head towards it, feeling the weight of her cheek pressed against the pillow, and the heaviness of the body that she was trapped within. In the back of her mind, she knew that ripping up and tossing the pages would be a common and completely understandable reaction. However, that was something that she absolutely would not do. It would have a new ending, not with a marriage, but a schism. That would give Mr. Cornish and all of the readers a story that would truly make them feel. It had not been her intention to make the story completely autobiographical, but as she continued with it, it had begun to parallel her and Ben's experiences. And now, it would mirror them even more, as the couple would split and go their separate ways.

Her heart lurched as she realized what this last thought really meant. A split. Breaking it off. Was she really, truly going to break things off with Ben?

Her heart rate quickened and nausea swept through her as she realized that there probably wasn't any other way. Ben had insulted her, and even if he would have apologized like it looked like he had wanted to, he was leaving. And that would not be worked around. Two years, if not more, he had said. How much more? Three years? Five? Ten?

 _He knows. He knew all along, and he did not tell me. This is far, far more grievous than the things that I did not tell him._

 _I cannot call it a lie, but it feels like one. It was a lie by omission, and I cannot abide by this._

 _What else has he failed to tell me?_

Before she could begin imagining the various secrets Ben had kept from her, she forcefully willed her mind to stop. This was all beside the point. She was to break it off with Ben.

 _Don't be too hasty, daughter_. There was her mother's voice again.

 _Don't I need a husband?_

The answer was no. She had her writing, as well as her experience as a governess and a shopkeeper. She would make her own way in this world, free from the burden of gentlewomanly expectations.

 _Ben is your best friend. You have a long history with him. He knows you, and you know him._

Was that actually true? The events that occurred tonight suggested otherwise. That, and he was leaving, sailing thousands of miles away to a place so distant that it almost seemed fictional.

The choice was so obvious, there was no need to be emotional about it. Her eyelids finally felt heavy enough to comfortably close, and she rolled over as sleep finally claimed her.

…

Ben sat at the breakfast table, making a conscious effort to sit up straight and keep and even gaze. The previous night's row he had not chased after Felicity, and instead merely placed his focus onto cleaning up the spilled ink. As the realization that the map was ruined sunk in, he was faced with what had just transpired, and it did not look good. He had accused Felicity of terrible things and revealed to her that he was leaving in six weeks' time. All of his plans to sit her down, inform her of his obligations, and make a plan for the future had disappeared into an exchange of accusations.

Still, the end result was the same. He had told her, and despite the less-than-desirable delivery, he was no longer holding the burden of such a secret. This was the only explanation for finally being able to get the decent sleep that had been alluding him for the past few weeks. And now, he felt like it was time for them to move forward.

Felicity was sitting next to him, likewise with her own straight posture and clear-eyed gaze. He had been worried that he had truly hurt her, just like he did when he had lashed out at her for failing to break it off with Joseph. But, she seemed just fine as she worked through the breakfast of apple porridge, all the while making conversation with his mother.

"Ben, dear, can you believe this?" His mother spoke up, breaking him away from his thoughts.

Next to him, Felicity flushed slightly red. "'Tis part of the work, Ingrid. I'll try again. I think I can fix it to what the publishers are looking for."

Ben furrowed his brow, not knowing exactly what the two women were talking about. What did Felicity mean? What was she going to fix?

Felicity spoke to him. "I didn't tell you before, but my story was rejected. Mr. Cornish at the publishing office felt like it was not compelling."

"Oh….I…I am sorry to hear that." Ben stammered, blinking. Was this what Felicity was talking about the previous night? He decided that it was past time to be forthright with her. "Why did you not tell me?"

Felicity shrugged. "I was ashamed, and a little shocked. I felt like I could fix it before anyone noticed. But I realized that sometimes I must admit that I have fallen short of expectations, and this will take time to fix."

"Would you just make the edits, or must you write a completely new story, starting over?" Anna asked. "If the editor judged it to be not compelling, then it might be prudent to begin again."

"No, I don't believe so." Felicity shook her head to emphasize her point. "I think his main complaint was the predictable ending. I think if I change that, then it will shift the tone of the story and help things to better fall into place." She sighed, and looked up in an almost wistful manner. "Sometimes we do not get the ending we wish."

His mother nodded in agreement. "Yes, that is most certainly true. A wise realization to have."

Ben took a bite of his porridge, and chewed it mildly. He would be certain to speak with Felicity after he returned from the office. It was just his hope that she would be frank with him, as he would be with her. Then, they could truly move forward.

The upside to his impatience to finish the day out was his reduced nervousness with presenting the ruined map to the cartographers' library. The clerk gave the appearance of a man who was taking it in stride, but Ben knew that he was furious.

"Mr. Davidson, this was an expensive map." He said plainly, giving Ben a raised eyebrow.

"I know full well, and I apologize." Ben said. "I intend to reimburse the loss promptly and completely."

The man pulled out a ledger, and flipped through it to find the map index number. Finally, he spoke up. "Full reimbursement for the map will be fifty dollars."

Ben winced. That was several weeks of his wages, and he wasn't sure if he could afford it. He could return the pocket watch he had meant to give to Felicity….

 _No. That is not an option_. "Yes Sir, of course. I will have the payment by the end of the week." He wasn't sure if his financial situation would change within a week, but it would give him a few days to get used to the idea of wiping out his savings.

"Davidson, it is company policy that you will not be able to borrow any more maps until this one is replaced." The clerk said.

"Of course." Ben agreed. "I daresay I will not trust myself with one for the unknown future." He cracked a smile at the clerk, who did not reciprocate.

"Good day, Mr. Davidson. I await your return at the end of the week." The clerk said, taking the ruined map.

"Sir." Ben nodded and was on his way.

He was called into a special meeting just after the noontime hour, with various company personnel from the merchant and shipping divisions. There was a lengthy presentation by the shipping division that Ben struggled to follow, distracted by his thoughts of Felicity and the revelation that she had made during breakfastime. He had been surprised at the news that her latest story had been rejected, based on her tireless dedication to it. There was another darker realization that passed through his mind as well, that the disappointment of the rejection had weighed heavily into her, and he must have only added to that with his accusations and attacks.

 _She just needs to be open with me, as I pledge to do with her. If only I had known, if only she had told me, I would have been completely sympathetic towards her._

The shipping manager finished his speech, and Allen elbowed him in the side. "Can you believe it?" He asked in a hushed whisper.

"No, no I simply cannot." Ben had no idea what he could not believe, having missed the majority of the speech.

"They need to stop changing everything. I just broke the news to my wife that we were departing early, and now they are changing it again!" He sighed.

"Changing it to what?" In his curiosity, Ben revealed that he in fact, had not been listening.

"Thought you looked a bit lost." Allen chuckled, dropping his voice to a whisper. "The departure is now set for May 30th, due to unforeseen delays of the ship on its return to the Americas."

"Hm." Ben kept his tone neutral, but felt a great deal of relief. May 30th. This gave him and Felicity more time to plan, and they would be together for her birthday. And perhaps there would even be time to ride to Williamsburg and ask Mr. and Mrs. Merriman for her hand. This indeed could be good for them.

Despite the confidence that Ben had built up during the day in preparation with confronting Felicity, he still felt flickers of nervousness creep through his mind as he sat next to her at the dinner table that evening. He kept his left hand on his knee in the chance that she might be compelled to take it, but she did not seem to notice the opportunity. He glanced over from time to time to see if her hand was available for the taking, but she steadfastly kept a utensil throughout the entire meal. He wished that she were actually left-handed, so that her right hand would be free for him to just blatantly reach out to take.

He let out an impatient breath and re-focused back on the table. Everyone was involved in their own little conversations, with Felicity speaking with Anna and William, his mother and father speaking amongst themselves, and the children playing some kind of game where they took turns poking each other. He tilted his head towards Felicity, hoping to interject himself in the conversation that she was sharing with his sister and brother-in-law.

"So what do you think would be appropriate?" Felicity was asking.

Anna thought for a moment, "Perhaps a blanket of some sort. But you don't want to present it unless you have news of a successful delivery. It is possible that there could be a tragedy, and you don't want to rub salt on the wound."

"Of course!" Felicity said. "I have full intention of bringing these things to her in person."

"In person?" Ben found himself interrupting.

"Well, yes." Felicity looked towards him, her green eyes neutral. "If I am to head back to Williamsburg in the summertime, then I will be there for the birth of the baby."

Ben nodded slowly as he remembered that it had been the original plan for her to head back to Williamsburg in the summer.

 _Williamsburg, where Joseph is._

 _Don't be daft!_ He reminded himself. _Joseph and Elizabeth are now wed, and it looks as though Felicity is in the process of forgiving Elizabeth, for whatever she may have done._

If he was being honest with himself, he didn't really believe that Felicity still had feelings for Joseph. The moment the accusation had left his lips, he realized how silly it was. She had spent the better part of a year trying to convince herself that she was okay with marrying him, and he had seen the depths of her happiness having finally rid herself of him. There had to be another reason for Felicity to be angry with Elizabeth. And he just would have to find that out.

After dinner the entire family and Felicity sat in the parlor. Ben had halfway expected Felicity to retire to her room and work on her story, but she made no motion nor said anything that would suggest she had an aim to work on it. Instead, she sat content in front of the fire with a book. He held out hope that she might in time head upstairs, and he in turn would opt to follow a few minutes behind her so that they may talk.

And hour passed, and Ben started to grow antsy. The truth was that he needed to draft an updated schedule to account for the delayed departure, and it should be done in the secrecy of his room, despite the majority of the household now knowing of his plans. He finally closed the book he had been pretending to read, announced his departure and bid everyone a good night.

He received the expected farewells, with Felicity also giving him the same neutrally-pleasant tone she had used at dinnertime. Concern was starting to take root within him, as he knew that Felicity's temper could easily match his own, as was demonstrated by her smashing the inkpot just the previous night. This abrupt change in personality that she had been showing today suggested something….well, there was something he couldn't quite figure out. But whatever it was, it was starting to unsettle him.

He sat in his room and completed the task to the sufficiency of what was required of a first draft, outlining all of the places where other specialized merchants would need to make their suggestions. All the while he kept an ear trained on the door in anticipation of a visit from Felicity.

The eleven o'clock hour came, and there was still no sign of her. He had long finished his task, and was now lying idly in bed, having kicked off his shoes and removed his vest. His fingers drummed impatiently on the bed, and he wondered if he would just have to go to her room and seek her out. It was a rather untoward thing to do, but this was a conversation that the two of them needed to have. And if she was not going to come to him, then he would have to seek her out.

He took a candle and crept down the hallway, and lightly tapped on Felicity's closed door. He used the pattern meant to signal that it was him, once, twice, three times, which he followed by pressing his ear to the door. There was no answer, so he pressed the door open to shine the candle within. "Felicity?" he whispered, "Lissie?"

The room was dark and empty, so he then crept lightly downstairs to find her sitting alone by the dying fire, a pile of papers in front of her and scattered along the floor.

"Lissie?" He asked. "'Tis late. Are you not tired?"

She looked up at him, keeping the same neutral expression that he now found maddening. "No, not quite." She then replaced the quill in its stand, and looked at him expectantly as if she predicted that he would make an eventual appearance.

"May I sit?" He asked, then waited for her gesture of okay before pulling up a chair and sitting opposite of her.

A moment of silence passed before he came to the full realization that it was up to him to start the conversation. He began by gesturing to her work. "Is that your story?"

"Aye." She simply replied.

"Working on edits?" There had to be something that would get her to speak.

"Making an attempt. I'm still not certain that this story can be repaired to the publisher's liking, to be honest." She said, drumming her fingers on the desktop.

"What is the story about?" She had since kept this information from him, but perhaps now would feel indifferent to sharing it.

"It is about us. Well, characters like us." Felicity said, almost crisply.

"And it was rejected?" Ben felt a little insulted at this.

"Aye." Felicity said. She looked upwards briefly before fixing her gaze on him. "But I see Mr. Cornish's point now that I think more about it. Perhaps our story is not all that compelling."

Ben felt that last statement cut deep into his heart, and he knew that it was Felicity's intention. "Lissie…," he began, and struggled to come up with the words to say.

"You could start with an apology, for all of the numerous ways that you insulted me last evening." Felicity said.

"Yes." Ben felt himself shrinking in the face of her cold anger. "I am deeply and truly sorry for all that I accused you of. I made light of your struggles in Williamsburg and I accused you of still having feelings for your former beau. As soon as these accusations left my tongue, I knew they were untrue."

Felicity's gaze softened, ever so slightly. "Alright then. I accept your apology."

That was all? Ben felt himself smile.

"So now," Felicity picked up her quill again, "You may take your leave. 'Tis late, and I imagine you will have a busy day at work tomorrow."

"Wait." Ben instructed her, "There is still more we must talk about. We need to make plans, set a timeline."

"For what?" Felicity asked, a look of genuine curiosity on her face.

"I beg pardon?" Ben was surprised. Was she being deliberately obtuse? "For our engagement. The schedule was changed, so we do not set sail until May 30th. That leaves us time to travel to Williamsburg so that I may ask your mother and father for your hand."

Felicity blinked at him and smirked. "There will be no engagement. You are sailing far, far away, remember? You will be gone for two, maybe more years? Isn't that what you told me? Do you understand the gravity of that?"

"Lissie…," Ben started, dread beginning to fill his chest, "'Tis a year and a half. That is all."

Felicity stared at him, an openly bitter smile on her face. "You keep changing your story, and surprising me with important details that you would otherwise leave out when convenient for you. I no longer know what to believe."

"I promise, this is the truth of it." Ben pleaded. "The ship sets sail on May 30th, and is due back November of 1784, eighteen months from now. We can be engaged in the coming weeks before I set sail, and married as soon as I return. And we cannot waste time with setting the engagement; I can then declare you as the recipient of my salary while I am gone so that you are taken care of!"

Felicity laughed incredulously. "You think I need to be taken care of? Let me assure you of something." She paused and took a breath. "I don't need anything from you. Do you hear me? Despite my recent and perfectly normal setback, I am a writer, and a governess, and a shopkeep and I will make my _own_ way in this world. Is that clear?" She spoke quietly, yet her teeth were gritted in fury.

Ben ignored the panic in his chest to keep his voice steady. "I do not mean to imply that you have need of me. You are my love, and my best friend. A year and a half is not long when compared to a lifetime, and I have no further requirements abroad, unless I want them. And with this, I could request work that would allow you to come with me, if you like. I know you long to travel to far-flung places, isn't that what you have told me all of these years?"

She said nothing in return, keeping a hard gaze fixed on him.

"Lissie, please." He pleaded once again, leaning forward in his chair. "What is keeping you from agreement of this? Tell me, so that I may fix it or make amends. Is it the time away? I promise that I will return!"

"How long have you known that it would be like this? Did you accept the position knowing full well that it would require you to travel so far away? Or were you notified of it later on?" Felicity asked.

"I accepted the position knowing of the travel." Ben admitted. "It was a hasty decision, and I am sorry that I kept it from you."

"Why did you keep it from me?" Felicity asked. Her mask of fury had lessened somewhat, which gave him a bit of hope. He just needed to keep her talking.

"I knew how unhappy you were in Williamsburg, and when I saw how well you were here in Philadelphia, I reveled in it. I did not want to spoil things for you." Ben explained.

Felicity watched him for a moment before giving a sarcastic reply. "I thank you for your continued protection of my emotions!"

"Lissie…," Ben started, but she cut him off. "I do not think it is appropriate for you to call me by such a casual name, _Benjamin_."

Sore at being interrupted, Ben felt his resolve breaking. "Alright, _Felicity_. We can speak of this later. Perhaps I should bid you a good night."

"No, no. We will not be speaking of this later. You deceived me, even if you do not judge it as so. There will most certainly not be an engagement, what purpose would it serve? You are leaving to a place that is so far away it seems mythical, for a long time! And frankly, I see no purpose in sitting idly here, awaiting your return. This is my life, and mine alone. Do you hear me?" The fury was gone from her voice, and she spoke these words with such an eerie calm that Ben knew they were final.

He felt his temper rise, and he did not force it back. "I took this position for you!" He hissed at her. "You, who sent me a letter that may as well have been a note of farewell! Everything I did and agreed to do with the company, I did it for us! For you! This position gave me a chance to meet you in Philadelphia, where you would be! That is all I needed to know, and I accepted! _For you_!" His fingernails were pressed so hard into his palm that they were likely drawing blood.

Felicity narrowed her eyes. "Yes, thank you for getting a job, and being a productive member of society. I didn't make you do any of that, for it is a general requirement that all men have if they want to earn a wage." She spoke these words as if she were addressing a child.

Ben took a shaky breath, feeling the urge to smash something just as she had done with the inkpot. He unclenched and re-clenched his fists, forcing himself to stay still.

"From this day forward, I am simply your niece's governess, in the employment of your sister and brother-in-law." Felicity stated. "Nothing more, and nothing to you. So, you are to act accordingly towards me. Are we in agreement?"

Ben stared at her as he tried to comprehend the depth of what she was saying to him. She repeated herself once more. "Are we in agreement?"

Ben took a breath, finding no way to protest her declaration. He swallowed thickly, "Aye, if that is what you wish."

"That is my wish." Felicity stated.

Ben watched her for a moment more, searching her face for any sign of sadness, or regret. But, there was nothing, just the cold, indifferent mask of a woman that wished to be left alone.

Numbly, he stood up and took his leave. At the top of the stairs he risked a look back down at her, and saw she had casually picked up the quill and begun to write once more.

….

 **Author's notes:**

1) My poor, sweet, frustrating children.

2) This fight mirrors the one that the two of them had back in chapter 5. They have their fighting styles, and I try to stick with them.

3) I can't help but hint at the ending: If this was a video game, Ben's mother would be the FINAL BOSS

4) This story became much, much longer than I anticipated. But, we are drawing towards the ending. There will be four or five more chapters, and an epilogue. So, still a long way to go, but we are getting close.

5) Next up: The fallout. There will be letters, alcohol, and lots of thinly hidden emotions.


	21. Chapter 21

_Hannah drew herself up to her full height as she locked eyes with Thomas. "It has just been too difficult to bear. We had to keep our love a secret, then we were torn apart for a year, which would have been more if specific circumstances had not worked in our favor. And now," She made sure to quiet the tight feeling in her chest that suggested she was to make a poor choice, "Now, you are leaving again. It is just too hard. I cannot bear it anymore."_

 _"So you will go back to Stephen then, I presume?" Thomas's face was twisted into a smirk, "He is married by now to your best friend, is he not? So you will not have that to fall back on."_

 _"That is the singular thing that I have been trying to make you understand!" Hannah cried, balling her fists in frustration. "I was never angry, only jealous! Jealous that Eliza and Stephen fell and love and were wed, just like that, just as they pleased! And you and I…we were made to wait. So I became jealous! I wanted that with you, and it has not gone as such. Lord knows the frustrations I have felt with having to tolerate setback after setback. And now with your accusations, I see that perhaps it is not worth it. So I am bidding you goodbye."_

Felicity placed her quill back down and surveyed over what she had just written. If she was being truthful, it was far from magnificent. This scene was something that simply could not be forced. She sighed and glanced at the clock, noting that it was nearly midnight. Her nights had been steadily creeping later and later, making it difficult to rise for breakfast. In fact, she had overslept the previous day, completely missing it. By the time she had made herself presentable and rushed downstairs, Siobhan was busy cleaning up. Ingrid was still lingering at the table, slowly finishing her coffee with a copy of the Philadelphia Times. She had merely smiled and Felicity and pushed forward a plate of biscuits and a serving of jam.

Once it was clear that no one was angry with her for oversleeping, Felicity was a little relieved that she had not seen Ben before he set off for work. She had no idea how he was going to react. Ben had a quiet disposition, but he wore his heart on his sleeve. And therein was another potential problem, one that she had not previously thought of. She was surrounded by his immediate family. This was a house of Davidsons, and how would they react to the news that Felicity had called it off, thus breaking the heart of their youngest son, little brother, and uncle? Would she ultimately be dismissed?

 _You were too hasty, daughter_. There was her mother's voice again.

Ingrid's warm greeting that morning served to reassure her that Ben had not told them of their break. She had not heard anything from Anna or the children that anything was amiss with him, so she figured he had kept it to himself. She had allowed herself to relax until dinner, in which she sat in her normal seat next to Ben as if everything was fine. Surprisingly, he made it appear as if there was nothing amiss, almost as if his day had gone rather pleasantly. After dinner, the family had retired to the parlor as they normally did. Instead of reading or working, Ben became involved in a full-out brawl with Ezra, behaving as a bear would while the boy leapt off of furniture and tackled him down. Seeing Ben's flushed and sweaty face as he rough-housed with his nephew ordinarily would put a smile on her face, but given the circumstances, it left her completely bewildered. He was behaving as if nothing were the matter at all.

Felicity sighed and cast her manuscript to the floor next to her and thought for a moment. She did not yet feel tired enough to sleep, and knew that she would not get any more decent writing in tonight. There was something that she knew she needed to do, and it might as well be done now. She pulled out a fresh piece of paper and began to write.

 _February 20_ _th_ _, 1783_

 _Dearest Elizabeth,_

 _I offer my sincerest blessings to you and Dr. Stevens for a long and happy marriage, and for the upcoming birth of your little one. It appears to me that you have followed your heart and it has led you to this point. And I firmly agree with your prediction of my feeling, that marriage and a baby with a man that you love are all good things. Despite my misgivings about Dr. Stevens, I believe that he cares about you and wishes to see that you are happy. You must remind him time and again that your happiness is paramount. And please know that I told no one of your predicament. I felt not the need nor the desire to drag your good name through the mud, as so many of our neighbors would say. And I believe that it is not my place to judge you._

 _Elizabeth, I apologize for the length of time it has taken me to write this letter. A great many things changed so quickly for me, in such a short amount of time. I went from being branded the town harlot and nearly throwing myself out my bedroom window back in Williamsburg, to being a published author living in Philadelphia. Is not life strange?_

 _There is one recent development in my life, one that gives me pause. To put a long story short, I have called things off with Ben. He will be sailing abroad within a few weeks, and I no longer have the patience to wait for an engagement. This may come as a shock to you and you may believe that I have gone mad, but I believe with my strongest conviction that it was the right thing to do._

 _My contract will be finished at the end of June, and I daresay that I will return to Williamsburg at that point. I know I must return for at least a little while to see my family and of course, to meet your little one. I do not know where I will go after that, but I fully embrace the unknown and find joy in the thought that my life, my one wild and free life is my own to spend as I choose._

 _Until we meet again,_

 _Felicity Merriman_

She re-read the letter, making sure that it contained everything that she wanted to say. The middle section made her seem a bit like a braggart, but she wanted to emphasize the sheer contrast of how badly she had been hurting back in Williamsburg, and how grand she was feeling now.

Lastly, she considered the final paragraph in which she told Elizabeth of her split from Ben. The decision to mention it had been a real test of if she truly did value her friendship with Elizabeth. Elizabeth did tell her of her pregnancy, so she felt like she had to offer some news in kind. Would Elizabeth tell others? Probably.

Did she mind if Elizabeth told others about her and Ben?

Truth be told, Felicity had long ceased caring what the good citizens of Williamsburg thought about her. She folded up the letter with the thought of sending it out first thing in the morning.

…

 _Everything is as it is meant to be._

Ben repeated variations of these lines through his mind as he lay in bed. It was early Thursday morning, and he had woken up earlier than usual, the rising sun just a pale sliver on the horizon. He closed his eyes and waited to drift back to sleep. In a few hours he would awaken, get dressed, sit down for breakfast with his family, then go into work.

Sleep didn't come to claim his as swiftly as he would have liked, so he rolled over to his side and put his arm under the pillow for better support. There, he once again closed his eyes and focused on relaxing.

 _Everything is as it is supposed to be._

There was something physically nagging him, perhaps a tightness in his chest, a knotted muscle in his back, or was it stiffness in his shoulders? He had been engaging in some rather rough horseplay with his nephew the previous evening, and he couldn't deny the boy was stronger than he looked.

 _Everything is as it should be._

Ben shifted again, rolling over onto his back and propping himself up. If he indeed was having trouble sleeping, then it would be counterproductive to fight it. Besides, there really were no downsides to getting an early start on the day. He peeled away the quilts and swung his legs over the side of the bed, sitting up. Here, he took one last check of his mind, coming to the conclusion that he was fully awake.

He splashed water on his face and pulled a comb through his hair, then put on clean clothes before heading down to the kitchen quarters. Siobhan was up early as usual, prepping dough for the biscuits that the rest of his family, along with his niece's governess would enjoy in a few hours. He gave her a greeting, and went directly to the pantry, selecting a portion of leftover cornbread and a bit of jerky to take with him.

"May I prepare hot water for coffee, Mr. Davidson?" Siobhan asked, wiping her floured hands on her apron.

"No thank you, Ma'am." Ben said. He selected a large mug from the shelf. "I'll get a cup at the bakery. Will you inform my sister that I have left for work early?"

"Yes Sir." Siobhan nodded.

Ben left the house and wandered through the streets of Philadelphia. The sun had started to rise, showing a spectrum of color that ranged from pale pink at the horizon to deep blue high above him. The nighttime chill still remained, cold enough to see his breath before him as he walked.

The streets were still empty, as Ben imagined the vast majority of the residents had yet to wake up. Yet, there were small pockets of activity as shops set up for the day, including his destination, the bakery. The large clock at the town square chimed six, and Ben thanked his good luck that he was not too early. The bakery owner knew that Ben was not one for small talk, so he wordlessly filled his mug as Ben dug into his pockets for a few shillings. The exchange was quick and efficient, and soon Ben was back on his way to the offices of the Philadelphia branch of the Asiatic company.

The doors were still locked, marking Ben as the first to arrive that day. He struggled only for a moment with the heavy door, maneuvering the key, his breakfast, and his nearly-full mug of coffee before successfully squeezing through.

His desk was on the second floor, one of three in an office that he shared with two other merchants. At times, the room felt a little small for the three of them, but he knew that he was not a priority since he would be leaving in a mere five weeks.

 _Not five weeks, remember? Twenty weeks. The ship is delayed._

The thought weighed heavily on Ben's mind. He had originally taken the news with a bit of relief, but now there was no upside. He stopped this thought mid-track, as he didn't care to ruminate on what the reason for this might be, and remind himself that more time was always a good thing. Now he would have more time to fully prepare for the journey. The March 30th departure had made everything so rushed so now, there wouldn't be as much pressure to get everything done. Still, it was best to be fully prepared for the day.

He put his quill to paper, and started writing his notes for the first meeting.

 _Scratch, scratch, scratch._

The air was thick with silence, the kind that roared through his ears. It took him back to the many times that he had been camped out with his company at the height of the war. He had picked up on a pattern, where in the hours before an attack, there would be this silence that permeated. It was as if all of the wildlife, the birds, foxes, and coyotes somehow knew that something ugly were to go down and steered clear of the area. It hadn't taken Ben long to realize that he really hated silence, and he recognized the tight, squeezing feeling that now sat in his chest.

 _The war is over, and a British attack is slim to nil. There is nothing to be uneasy about._

 _Nothing at all? Everything is fine? Are you sure that nothing is completely amiss? The war had been over for ages, and you've not had anxiety like this in a good long while. Clearly, there is something the matter._

He leaned back in his chair, hoping that the top would catch his mid-back in such a way that it would give a satisfying crack. Unfortunately the angle was too poor, the backrest reaching too far up. He heaved a sigh and rolled back his shoulders, then again leaned over the paper.

 _Objectives for the port of Skagen_

He squinted at the paper and tried to focus, but the silence that permeated through the room was enough to make the small hairs on the back of his neck prickle. His mind closed down, harkening back to a time when he would make sure that his shoes were buckled properly, pack was close, and rifle ready.

 _WHAM._

The door to the building closed heavily, and Ben jumped. He heard footsteps coming up the stairs, and he had the briefest impulse to decide whether he was going to jump behind his desk for cover, or prepare to rush whomever was about to make an appearance.

 _Am I going mad? The. War. Is. Over._

Allen poked his head in. "Ben! Fancy seeing you here at this hour!"

Ben forced a laugh, feeling more relief than he normally should have felt at the sight of his co-worker. "Couldn't sleep. Lots to do. And yourself?"

"My daughter is going through a bit of colic." Allen said. "I feel terrible for my poor darling, but what can I do? My wife and mother-in-law tell me I just get in the way so I best remove myself." He seemed to be reassuring himself more than anything else.

Ben wasn't sure exactly how to reply, given that his experience in this area was limited to his sisters' children. "Well, best to get some work done as it is."

"Right. We have a meeting with Abel and his crew of drunks this afternoon, don't forget." Allen said, then was on his way to his own office.

Ben was alone once again, but just knowing that there was another, friendly person in the building put his mind at ease. He returned back to his work and made sure he did a thorough job of it, as well as his various other tasks that he needed to attend to. The rest of the day was a blur, as he let himself be swept up by the busy world of the office. He ate lunch with several of the higher-ups, met and shared notes with other merchants, sat in on a meeting with the cartographers, and finished the day out by summarizing some of his findings about new roads planned that would connect rural communities in northern Denmark.

He returned back to his sister's home expecting to be tired from the combination of the early hour that he had risen, along with the volume of work he had completed that day. But on the contrary, he felt rather refreshed as he sat down at the dinner table that evening at his usual place next to his niece's governess. He gave her a polite greeting and she turned to respond in kind, as he noticed the slight flush to her face, and a muscle in her cheek that gave an out-of-place twitch. He knew it was not his place to inquire about her health.

After dinner, the entire family along with his niece's governess retired to the parlor, to sit by the fire until the day was out. Lacey had challenged him with a game of checkers and he had agreed, however Ezra had insisted on playing as well. And for three people to play, there needed to be some new rules and guidelines. Lacey split up the pieces with ease among the three of them and was running through how she thought the game would go. _"It's only logical, don't you agree?",_ was the oft-repeated line.

When playing games with his nieces and nephews, Ben had set a guideline for himself that he would always let the child win, up until the age of ten. Since Ezra was nine and Lacey six, he told himself to let them win, but appear to make an effort. However, this new three-person checkers was so strange, Ben really had no idea what he was doing and Lacey won the game authentically and soundly.

It wasn't long afterwards that bedtimes rolled around. His mother and father were the first to depart, then his brother-in-law and the children. Finally, it was down to him, his sister, and his niece's governess. When Anna started to go through motions of gathering her things, he noticed his niece's governess jumping up, and piling her papers haphazardly together. It took him a moment to realize that she wasn't extremely comfortable being alone with him. He figured he would understand instead of feel insulted, given their recent history.

He stood up and announced his leave, which seemed to compel his niece's governess to re-take her chair, and stare at him with her wordless green eyes. There was no need to deal with her complicated emotions, so he just simply bid her good night and was on his way.

Minutes later, he was lying in his bed, his series of blankets and quilts pulled up to his shoulders. He blew out the candle and closed his eyes, finding it unnecessary to let them adjust to the darkness. Sleep would come in just a few moments.

 _A perfectly normal day, with everything as it should be._

…

It was Lacey that found out first.

Well, sort of. The girl had noticed that something was a little off between the two of them, some unknown tension in the air that she couldn't quite place. She had brought it up to Felicity during her lesson time, when she was supposed to be learning about the origins of different flowers.

"Miss Felicity?" Lacey had asked.

"Yes Lacey?" Felicity replied, expecting a botany-related question.

"Are you…are you and Ben angry with each other?" Lacey asked apprehensively.

Felicity swallowed. There was no way that she was going to tell Lacey what had happened, but she needed to be truthful. Fortunately, answering the question that Lacey had posed was easy. "Yes, my dear, I admit that we are angry with one another."

"Oh. That is good." The girl flushed, and rushed to explain herself. "Something has got me feeling strangely, like something is not right. I was worried that I was going mad."

Felicity smiled, knowing exactly what Lacey meant. She too had been a sensitive child, able to recognize when her own mother and father were at odds. "You have good instincts. Yes, Ben and I are unhappy at the moment, but it is just temporary. We will be friendly soon enough." This was her hope, that she and Ben would be friendly to each other like they had been when they were young, despite what the future held for both of them. And judging by Ben's strangely even temperament, perhaps it was a likely scenario.

Lacey continued. "But, Ben doesn't seem unhappy at all. He has been quite cheerful towards the rest of us, and completely ignores you. 'Tis rather vexing." She furrowed her brow, "Perhaps ignoring you makes him happier in general?" She looked at Felicity questioningly.

Ben's behavior was rather confusing to Felicity as well. She had braced herself for the worst, that he would show his hurt and anger for the world to see, but it was quite the opposite. And if she were being truthful to herself, perhaps it stung a little. She knelt onto the ground and took Lacey's book and directed the girl to pay attention, thus changing the conversation. All the while, Lacey's words echoed in her mind.

 _Perhaps ignoring me makes him happier in general?_

….

Samuel Davidson found out next.

Ben had his father once again help him with his financial statements, and he had come across the invoice for the map that Felicity had ruined by smashing an inkpot across it.

"Ben, what is this for? It says that you owe fifty dollars? For a map? When did you purchase a map?" His father asked, adjusting his eyeglasses and peering at the slip of paper.

"I had borrowed a map from the company library, and foolishly spilled an inkpot over it." Ben had no qualms about calling himself foolish over the way that he had behaved towards Felicity that night.

"Ben, fifty dollars is a lot of money." Samuel spoke as if he were addressing a child.

"I know this." Ben tried not to take his father's condescending tone personally. "I have a way to pay it off in full."

"Pray tell me, how?" His father looked up at him.

"The pocket watch that I had intended to give Felicity as a gift. I have no need for it, and will be returning it." Ben said decidedly. There was no secret to keep.

His father blinked and leaned back slightly in surprise. "Beg pardon?"

"I told Felicity of my travel to Scandinavia, and she would not abide by it. She insisted that we call it off." Ben kept his voice even.

"Call it off." Samuel repeated, leaning his elbows on the table. "What do you mean by this?"

"She insisted that there be no engagement, and we will not marry. At this point, she is merely Lacey's governess, in the employment of Anna and William. In fact, I probably shouldn't even be calling her by her given name." Ben said, adding that last statement as a bit of a reminder. Just letting the name roll off of his tongue threatened to break the stoic mask that he simultaneously knew that he wore, yet he denied its existence.

His father was silent for a good minute as he removed his eyeglasses and rubbed his eyes. When he finally looked up, he wore an expression of sorrow. "Ben, I want you to think about this carefully. Try and figure out if the relationship between the two of you can be repaired. It would be a foolish, foolish thing to let all these years with her go on account of something as silly as pride and miscommunication. And if it can not, I," He paused, searching for the right words. Ben lifted his chin in defiance, waiting for him to finish. Samuel opened his mouth as if to speak, but closed it again and shook his head.

"Father," Ben said slowly. "What is it that you want to say?"

"Perhaps the advice is not good, so take it with a grain of salt. But, I hope that you mourn at least a little. Breaking away from a girl who you came so close to spending your life with, this is a major decision. And by your behavior as I see it here, I believe you have not fully thought through what this means for you, and how it may change the man that you are, and perhaps the entire trajectory of your life. " His father then started arranging the various payment slips and invoices, leaving the invoice for the map on top.

"It was not I that asked for the break, it was Miss Merriman." Ben said, keeping his voice firm. "She demanded that I respect her wishes, and I intend to do it. My life continues, whether she is with me or not." It had been his intention to proclaim full autonomy of his life with that last statement, but instead, the reality that his life would now be without Felicity rang out first and foremost. He swallowed, forcing the thought out of his mind.

Samuel Davidson said nothing more on the subject, and merely pushed the stack of documents towards Ben. "Everything looks to be in good shape here, Son. I advise that you take care of that invoice as soon as possible." He gave Ben a nod, then stood up and took his leave.

….

Ingrid Davidson found out somewhere along the way, most likely from Lacey. Or, it could have been her husband. Felicity didn't know if Samuel Davidson knew, but she gathered that Ben likely confided in him. She and Ben had not spoken in the four days outside of formalities since she had insisted that he leave her be.

The idea of Ingrid knowing was frankly, quite terrifying. She now saw Ingrid as a kind of mother figure, not as a complete replacement of her own mother, but perhaps one who would fill the, er, _insufficiencies_ that remained, for lack of a better term. Ingrid delighted in her strong personality and they shared many a good conversation about political matters, business affairs, and the emotional complexities in her writing. The idea of losing her relationship with Ingrid saddened her, and yet, she knew that it was inevitable. She just hoped that the older woman would understand, and not lash out in anger at her. Perhaps she was hoping too much.

The way that Ingrid revealed that she knew about Felicity and Ben was rather sideways, and it left Felicity feeling like Ingrid wasn't completely sure if the split with Ben was permanent. The two of them had been having coffee together while Lacey was at her music lessons, and Ingrid had steered the conversation away from the new treaty.

"My dear," she had started, "Do you ever feel like you are separated from your family? Like they purposefully keep secrets from you?"

Felicity considered it, failing to think of a time that a secret was held from her. She knew that Nan and Polly had complained of information being withheld from them, but Felicity's place as the eldest child meant that she was privy to information that the rest of her siblings would be deemed too young for. She explained this to Ingrid. "I understand what you mean, but I admit that I have been on the opposite side of it. As the eldest sibling, I was made to keep secrets from the ears of my younger siblings!" She kept her tone lighthearted, but her apprehension rose. "Do…do you feel that your family keeps secrets from you?"

Ingrid sighed. "I was relieved to hear that Ben would not be leaving for Scandinavia until the end of May, March is coming up much too quickly! Of course, no one even told me that he was departing, but luckily I knew. I always know much more than everyone thinks I do." She gave Felicity a sly smile.

Felicity did not quite know what Ingrid was getting at. "Did Ben not inform you that he would be leaving?" _He neglected to inform me as well._

"He did not." Ingrid said. "But if I were to take offense at all of the slights given to me by my children, all of the secrets that they keep from me, large and small secrets, mind you, then I would be a bitter, bitter woman." She pursed her lips.

"I still believe that Ben should have informed you." Felicity said.

Ingrid shrugged her shoulders. "Ben has his own reasons for keeping it to himself. And if I think about it, it is not that momentous! He will return in just a year and a half, and it will go by quickly. Where were you but a year and a half ago?"

Felicity thought back. Eighteen months ago, she and Ben were blissfully carrying on with their secret courtship, unaware of what the future would hold. It would have been late August, and she would likely have been wrapped up in his arms, somewhere off a wooded trail with Penny and Patriot tied safely by. Her breath caught in her throat as she imagined the scene. She disagreed with Ingrid, as that scene felt like a memory from another lifetime. "A year is still a very long time, Ingrid. I feel like a completely different person than I was eighteen months ago. How can I know what kind of person I will be eighteen months from now?" She held a smile, hoping that her words did not come off too harsh.

Ingrid gave her a smile that was almost pitying. "My dear Felicity, sometimes I forget how young you really are. When you are my age, the years just fly by and you wonder how you could have let them slip through your fingers so thoughtlessly."

Felicity felt a flush spread across her face. Until now, Ingrid had always spoken with her as if she were her intellectual equal, and now, she was being spoken to as if she were a child.

Ingrid spoke again. "Felicity, I know you are angry with Ben right now. I do not know the depths of your anger, and I am not going to demand to know them. But I want you to know something about Ben. It may be something that you might already know, but do not fully realize it. I am not angry that Ben neglected to tell me that he was leaving. Ben does not keep secrets just because, he keeps secrets so that he can fix whatever may be the matter. He finds problems, and he solves them before they cause grief to others. If a secret was kept, there was no malicious intent with it; I believe he was merely wrapped up in how he was going to make it right to you, and time got away from him. I've come to realize this with him, and I hope you do too."

Ingrid then stood up and walked towards the door. On her way, she put a hand onto Felicity's shoulder. "I hope you think about what I have told you. Like I said, I do not know the depths of your anger, but I urge you to have a little perspective. In this life, none of us can know if our intentions are the correct ones."

She left Felicity alone to ponder her words.

…

Anna found out next.

"Do you wish for me to fire her?" She asked, having pulled Ben away from the rest of the family after dinner under the guise of helping plan for their father's birthday.

Ben had genuinely thought that she was going to discuss party preparations with him. "Beg pardon?"

"Father told me about you and Felicity." Anna said, directing him to sit down.

Though Ben was determined to keep a stoic face just as he knew Felicity was doing, there were fleeting moments in which he fantasized that Anna would indeed dismiss Felicity, and send her packing back to Mrs. and Mr. Merriman. But he also knew that Felicity was just watching him, waiting, _expecting_ for him to inevitably crack and break down. He wouldn't. Not this time. "No, I don't think you should dismiss her. She is doing well, making a life for herself. Lacey gets on well with her, don't you remember all the times that you told me how rare that was? Don't dismiss her on account of my hurt feelings." He gave her a sardonic smile.

Anna thought for a minute, pursing her lips. "To be completely honest with you, Brother, I wouldn't be dismissing her just on account of your feelings. I've been watching her, and I've noticed small issues that have been worsening. She stays up late, and as a result wakes up late, she cuts Lacey's lessons short, and the lessons themselves just consist of Felicity handing Lacey a book, then taking out her own writing. Lacey is starting to feel unimportant, and I worry that she is going to regress back into the behavioral issues that she showed before. Already I see the first signs of it." She shook her head. "I cannot continue to allow it."

"Hm." Ben considered what Anna was saying. He was at work much of the day so he did not see how Felicity and Lacey interacted, but he knew that she stayed up late. "I would wager that Felicity knows she is slipping up. She can be quite self-aware."

Anna gave him an incredulous look. "So why then does she not fix it?"

Ben shrugged. "I've seen this before from her. As long as she confesses to it, she believes that all will be forgiven."

Anna sighed. "I know her writing is important to her, but I hired her first and foremost to teach my daughter, who is important to me. I wanted to show Lacey that there are other women to look up to, since I as her mother don't often count for much while she is still young. But if she is going to absent-mindedly dismiss Lacey at every turn, then I must in turn dismiss her. But I leave it up to you."

Ben put his fingers to his temples, rubbing away the headache that was threatening to form. "If you dismiss her, she will think it is just because of me. I can't have that; it reflects poorly on me. Please promise me that you won't, at least not yet. Tell her of your very real, very legitimate concerns, and warn her to fix them. But please don't dismiss her yet." He knew that he had started to ramble, but it mattered not.

Anna watched him a moment more, then conceded. "As you wish. I will be watching her on the morrow, and I'll speak with her then and let her know that her behavior has not been acceptable. I will give her the opportunity to improve herself, but if it does not happen, then I must let her go."

"Good. 'Tis the best thing to do, I believe." Ben said.

Anna gave him a peculiar look, then left to rejoin the rest of the family in the parlor.

…

 _"I'm sorry, Thomas. From the depths of my heart, I really am." Hannah repeated, telling herself to take calm breaths as she watched the man that she knew she loved in such pain. "This is for the best, for the both of us. You are leaving to a place that is so far away, it almost seems imaginary! Who knows the people you'll meet, and how you will change, why, perhaps you will come back and wonder why you ever fell for someone as insignificant as I!"_

 _Thomas said nothing, his shining eyes giving away to a single tear that rolled down his face._

Felicity gazed down at the lines she had just written, and tried to process them. That final line had come straight from her memory of the night that Ben had first confessed his love for her. She remembered watching, with shock, how he had been on the verge of a break down on account of her revelation that she would indeed accept a proposal from Joseph. His voice had gone choked up, exacerbated by the injuries that he had just received from brawling. Her own breath hitched, taking her back to the emotions that this had stirred within her.

 _These are but memories. Ben is carrying on just fine._ Telling herself this did not make her feel better, and instead put a knot of resentment in her chest. She decided to bring herself back to the present, and looked over towards Lacey, sprawled out on the floor with a book.

"My dear, how is it coming along? Is there anything that you would like help with? Any words that you are having trouble with?" Felicity asked. She had given the girl a book on the Magna Carta, hoping to start her on some basic tenants of political science. The book was likely to have been a little too advanced for a six year old, but Felicity figured that since the girl could read fluently, she could learn to understand.

"I dunno. Aye." Lacey said, flipping through the pages rather roughly.

"Lacey, please be careful with that book. The pages are delicate," warned Felicity.

Lacey shoved the book away from her and rolled over onto her back, giving a frustrated sigh. Felicity realized that she may have gone a bit too far with giving the girl such an advanced topic to learn about. Now, the only thing she could do to break Lacey out of her frustration would be to help her reason through some of the concepts. She knelt down onto the ground and dragged the book closer. "Come. It's really quite fascinating! I'll help you."

Usually this would coax the girl out of her funk, but instead, she remained on her back. "No."

"No?" Felicity repeated, "a refusal?"

"Yes. A refusal. I refuse." Lacey stared at the ceiling and balled her fists.

"Okay." Felicity conceded. "Let's try a different one."

She was about to stand up and make her way over to the bookcase, but Lacey started kicking her feet noisily against the floor. "I've already done enough reading for today, and I'm not going to just start it all again!"

Felicity winced, knowing that the girl was likely disturbing Anna. "Lacey," she hissed, pleased stop that right now. We can do something else, or you can take a break and we will start on arithmetic in an hour or so. How does that sound?"

Lacey rolled herself over, and began kicking the floor so hard it echoed through the house. Felicity fought the urge to physically restrain the girl, knowing that it was not her place. All she could do as plead. "Lacey, please stop this at once! You will disturb your mother and upset little Sibby!"

At that moment, the sound of a baby's cry rang out. Lacey immediately stopped and sat up, her eyes growing as wide as saucers. A few moments later, Anna strode into the parlor, Ingrid right behind her, holding a whimpering Sibby. "Lacey!" She barked out, "Up to your room at once!"

Lacey pressed her lips together, and for a moment, looked as though she was about to lash out. To Felicity's relief, she thought better of it, and scampered out of the room and up the stairs.

Anna looked behind herself and nodded to Ingrid, who left with Sibby. She then turned to Felicity, felt sudden dread to be left alone in the room, just the two of them. Anna's face was a deadly calm. "Felicity, please sit down."

Felicity did as she was told. "Anna, I'm very sorry about the disturbance. I gave Lacey a book to read that was probably a little too complicated for her, and she became frustrated. It was poor judgement on my part and I sincerely take the blame for her outburst."

"You gave it to her to read? Was there any kind of instruction beforehand? Was this a part of a lesson?" Anna asked.

"Er, yes. I did give it to her to read. I wanted to see what her first impression was, without a frame of reference. I was to follow it up with questions of my own." Felicity explained.

Anna glanced down at the book. "You gave a six year old a book to read about the Magna Carta, without explaining to her what it was, when it happened, and why it happened, merely expecting her to read a book and understand it?"

Felicity gave an uncomfortable laugh. "She really is an incredibly talented girl, just so intelligent. I thought to give her some autonomy so that she might find out what her mind could do."

"I see." Anna stared at her for a moment, and Felicity felt herself shrinking. "So what were you doing in the meanwhile? Were you drawing up a lesson plan on the Magna Carta?"

"Er, no. I had one in my mind, flexible depending on the nature of her questions." Felicity struggled to explain, her face feeling quite warm.

Anna crossed her arms in front of her chest. "Felicity, I must be honest with you. The effort you have been putting forth with my daughter has severely been lacking. You have been far too distracted with your writing, and shirking the main reason that you are here for. I took it upon myself to hire you, and I expect you to provide my daughter some guidance and education."

"I…" Felicity started, a familiar knot forming in her throat. "I know. I am so sorry. I recognize that I have been quite obsessed. I will do better to watch myself from here on out."

Anna continued. "Lacey seemed to be doing quite well for several weeks, but lately, she has been coming to me and to her grandmother, rather frustrated and upset. She feels like you ignore her. She acts out again like she did before. I daresay you have left her in worse condition than she was when you started."

Felicity struggled to find the right words to say. "I..Ma'am, I am…so what does this mean?" Anna's last statement had the sort of finality that instilled a feeling of dread within her.

"I've been watching you the last few weeks, hoping that your preoccupation was temporary and you would eventually balance out your roles better. I've wanted to say something for awhile, but I figured that I also did not want to distract you. But I've realized that I have erred, and I should have been looking out for my daughter above your delicate sensibilities. I was struggling with what to tell you, to gently remind you of the task that I hired you to do, when I heard that you split things off with my dearest little brother." Her eyes narrowed.

Felicity's eyes stung with tears. At that moment, she knew what Anna was about to say.

"But, before I dismissed you, I wanted to run my decision by Ben. Surprisingly, he was against it, and convinced me to give you a second chance." Anna looked skyward.

"What?" Felicity asked. _Ben instructed her not to fire me?_

"That was my reaction." Anna said. "He knows what you have in this city, and he does not want to abruptly cut you off from it. Or so I think. He did not give a straightforward reason."

Felicity found her voice. "Thank you so much for not dismissing me, Mrs. Spencer. I'll do better to mind my work as a governess."

Anna gave an abrupt nod. "I'm giving Lacey a reprieve from her lessons for the next several days. I want you to take the time to assess what you have taught her thus far, and come up with new lesson plans based on them. And I wish for you to run them by me. Ben wished to give you a second chance, but there will not be a third chance. Does this sound fair?"

"Aye, it does. Thank you Ma'am." Felicity said, making a promise to herself to put her full effort towards them.

Anna turned and walked out, and Felicity looked towards the stack of papers that was her story, before gathering them up. There was more important work to be done.

….

Felicity sat at dinner that night, and did her best to eat despite the knot in her stomach. Ben still sat next to her even though everyone at the table knew of their split. It was not yet a topic of conversation, but there was a tension in the air, and it likely had to do with the fact that this was no longer her second family, but a group of people who would readily stand behind Ben and cast her out.

 _Now, I must remember that I am Lacey's governess. I am a member of the household and I have a place here. There is no need to feel uncomfortable._

 _Perhaps it was wrong of them to see me merely as Ben's future wife. Now that will have to change._

Her eyes flicked over to Ben. The last several nights he had been plenty talkative, almost jovial, but now he was like her, eyes downcast and rearranging his dinner around on the plate. Why had he convinced Anna to let her stay? She knew that if the roles were turned around and they were back in Williamsburg, she would have soundly agreed to dismiss him.

Did he still hold out hope that she would take him back, and accept the engagement?

Either way, she knew that she needed to thank him.

Ben excused himself and retired to his room just after dinner, roundly apologizing to Lacey and Ezra who had been expecting a bit more of the fun attention they had been getting. Felicity thought of offering to play their version of three-player chess, but this sadly was no longer her place. She was now simply Lacey's governess, and she had lesson plans to prepare.

The clock tolled ten some hours later, and the children, Samuel and Ingrid had long since retired. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Anna stand up and bid her husband good night. "I'll be there in just a few minutes," he said to her, kissing her on the forehead. Felicity sat up straighter and prepared to bid Anna goodnight as she normally did, except Anna did not turn to acknowledge her.

There was no denying that she felt a bit stung by Anna's brush-off, but perhaps this was the new reality she needed to face. And she would bear it, gaining back Lacey's trust and Anna's favor. And Ben…well, she needed to thank Ben for insisting that she get this second chance.

She wished William a good night, then was on her way upstairs, taking deep calming breaths to quiet the anxiety over what she needed to do. She stopped in front of Ben's door and gave a soft, plain rap, different from the pattern that they used before.

"Come in?" It was posed as a question, as if he was not quite sure if someone had actually knocked on the door.

She let herself in, taking one last deep breath to calm her pounding heart. Ben was seated at his desk, the typical books and papers stacked in front of him. He had been in the middle of writing something, but at her distance she could not tell what it was. There were two more objects on the desk, a bottle of some kind of alcohol, and a glass half-full of the clear liquid.

Ben showed no surprise, nor anger upon seeing her. He merely blinked, his features completely void of emotion. "Miss Merriman" He addressed her.

"Ben. Please, there is no need to be so formal." His use of her proper title had thrown her off, not that it was a difficult thing to do at this moment.

"Alright then, Felicity. Is there something I can do for you?" He picked up the glass and drained it.

"I just wanted to thank you for keeping your sister from dismissing me as Lacey's governess." Felicity said.

"You're very welcome." Ben said, tapping his fingers on the desk.

It seemed like Ben was not in a hostile mood, although she would wager that he was not of a sober mind. These things considered, she felt like it was safe to proceed with further questions. "Why did you do it, if you mind me asking?"

"Honestly? I haven't a clue." Ben said, resting his chin in a palm.

"Nothing?" Felicity asked, raising a brow. She didn't believe him for a second. There had to be some thought process that led him to do that.

"Well, it was likely something, but if you are of the mind that I did it so that I could try and win you back, you are sorely mistaken. That ship has sailed. You said your piece and I intend to abide by it." Ben poured himself another glassful of whatever was in the bottle.

This was a start. Felicity now felt herself grow curious, and if Ben was amenable to talking, then she would surely get to the bottom of it. "You were quiet at dinnertime. It was a little different than how happy you have seemed the past few days." She said, purposefully stressing the word happy.

"I had an important task to fulfill today, and it was rather emotional. And now, I find myself unintentionally taking a bit of advice from my father." Ben said.

"Which task was that?" Felicity asked, finding herself a chair.

"The map you ruined by spilling ink across it. Remember that? I had to reimburse the company in full. Fifty dollars." Ben took a sip from his glass.

Felicity's mouth parted. Fifty dollars? That was more than the payment for her first story. "Ben, I'm so sorry about that. Here, I'll get you some money. I am obviously responsible, but not completely…" She trailed off.

"You did pay for it." Ben said. "I returned a gift that I was going to give you for Valentine's day. It was just short of the cost." He gave her a bitter smile.

 _He returned a gift that was meant for me_. She understood the finality of that statement, and why he was so silent at dinner. "Ben..I…." She trailed off again, not quite sure of what she wanted to say. Perhaps this was all that was necessary, and she would make her leave.

He spoke up. "Have you written to Elizabeth? You two were such good friends for years. It would simply be a shame to let your friendship go for no reason at all." There was something in his voice that she couldn't quite place. In a way, it seemed like he was mocking her.

"As a matter of fact, I have. I gave her my good blessings for her marriage and the baby, and I let her know that I will be back in Williamsburg for the birth." She lifted her chin, realizing that Ben was likely roping her into an argument. At least he was talking with her. "And our schism was not over nothing, mind you."

Ben took a sip of his drink. "So what was it over? You swear up and down that it was not over the Physician, so what else could it have been? Did Elizabeth spread nasty rumors about you over town?"

"It was exactly that." Felicity said. She saw Ben stiffen up a bit, likely taken by surprise over her unexpected reply. "I was branded a harlot. The good people of Williamsburg spread a rumor that I had come down with the clap." She gave him a bitter smile.

"Are you quite serious?" Ben raised an eyebrow. Felicity couldn't help but feel insulted that he could not muster any further emotion at learning of her plight. "Elizabeth Cole? 'Tis hard to believe."

"We had a nasty falling out, and she revealed some of the stories about you and I while we were surrounded by company. They were true stories, but in the correct context, you might see that they did sound quite bad." Felicity said.

Ben snorted. "Whatever did we do that was wrong?"

"The rum-soaked walk, for one. Starting a relationship with you before I had broken it off with Jo-, Er, the Physician." Felicity pointed out, half-waiting for Ben to apologize for abandoning her to deal with this alone.

Ben took a sip of his drink. "I feel like I'm missing a very important part of this story. You will have to forgive me if it is obvious, as you can see, I might be slightly intoxicated."

Ordinarily Felicity would have been amused at his formal understatement of the obvious, but there was only growing irritation. _I don't need to sit here and explain myself to yet another former beau. I could just bid him goodnight and advise him to stop with the liquor_. Of course, her pride kept her there. "Alright, here it is. After telling Elizabeth all of my troubles with Joseph and growing interest with you, then confiding in her with how I was carrying on with you, she had the nerve to keep secrets from me!"

"Yes, but was her secret not the fact that she was carrying on with your former beau? I could imagine her hesitation to reveal that to you." Ben poured himself another glass.

"She had no reason to keep it from me. I had no love for the physician, you know this! I merely became jealous that she and the physician had it so easy. They fell in love, became engaged, and were married, just so easy! And you and I…you, we were made to wait and endure setback after setback. I became of an ill temper, and lashed out at her at a moment of weakness. I did not expect her to fight back." This felt like a confession.

"Of course she is going to fight back and defend him over you. That is what you lashed out at her over, right? She defended him against you, because we fight for the ones we love." Ben took a deep breath, and ran a hand through his hair. He had lost his stoic expression, though she couldn't quite read his emotions.

"And then, she told everyone how you and I carried on, that my father dismissed and sent you back to Yorktown, in disgrace. And I was made to endure shaming by the entire town!" Felicity didn't know what she had to gain by revealing this. Perhaps she wanted Ben to apologize for abandoning her, though she knew full well it was not his intention.

"None of this would have happened if you had not lashed out at Elizabeth." Ben pointed out. His words were infuriating, but Felicity looked past them to see that he indeed looked troubled by her revelation.

She continued, "This all culminated in that night during Publick Times. I had spent the week confined to my home to avoid the rumors that followed me around, but I went out to watch Nan play-acting as the Autumn Maiden. I left to return home, and Stewart Andrews lured me behind the tavern and beat me. I then nearly threw myself out of a window, with the intention of breaking my own neck. I would have done it, but I remembered the promise that I had made to you about never dying." She did not know what she hoped to gain by telling him this, but it was obvious that he had been seeking the truth. She took a shaky breath, and waited for him to respond.

Ben leaned back in his chair and watched her. His eyes were glassy and unfocused as he seemed to struggle to comprehend what she had just told him. She relived the quiet, eerie rage that she felt within her chest as she contemplated how exactly she would have dove from her window, and the feeling crept back to her, as fresh as it had been that night. She realized that her eyes had sprung tears, and blinked them away, along with that dark emotion. "But I am fine now. I lived, and I am here."

"You are." Ben simply said. She noticed that his eyes were shining, and he looked away from her. Candlelight illuminated his profile, and she noticed how unkempt he looked. His shirt was open at the collar, and stubble lined his face. This was the first time in days that she had really looked at him; up to this point she had actively avoided watching him.

"Ben." She said, letting his name roll off her tongue. _Look at me. I need you to look at me. Your mother wants us to talk. Is that what your father told you?_

 _No. There will be no talking. He is leaving, and it is not negotiable. I was made to wait, made to put my life on hold. No more._ These words were spoken with her own internal voice, yet it wavered, less resolute than before.

Still gazing out of the window, Ben put a hand over his mouth. His eyes had filled with tears, and he sniffled. "Felicity, please go."

"Ben," she said again. _Look at me._

"Felicity, I need you to go." She noticed a tear roll down his face, and felt her own eyes once again welling up.

This time, she made sure she was saying the words out loud. "Ben, look at me." She couldn't say why, but she needed to him to look at her.

And he did, turning towards her. "Felicity please! I need you to go." His voice was choked, and his lips pressed together. "Please just go, and leave me be. Don't come back here. Please." He repeated.

She stood up and blinked as her own tears rolled down her face, throat constricting. One final look showed that he had buried his face in his hands, his shoulders slumped. She felt the impulse to rush to his side and put her arms around him, but his plea rang in her ears. She turned and left him, closing the door quietly behind her.

She made her way to her room, wiping the tears from her eyes and holding back a sob. There, she gathered the stacks of paper that made up the entirety of her story, and walked back down to the empty parlor. The fire was nearly out, but it was sufficient. She knelt in front of it, and fed her story in, page by page as the fire roared with new life, consuming each one.

….

 **Author's note:**

Did I mention how hard breakups are?


	22. Chapter 22

**Author's note:** Some mature themes in this chapter.

...

 _March 1_ _st_ _, 1783_

 _Dearest Felicity,_

 _I cannot tell you how happy I was to receive your letter! Thank you so much for the blessings, it was so wonderful to hear them from you. There are a great many things that we must talk about, and I only wish we could talk in person. I suppose letters will have to do for now, so I hope that you have one for me soon._

 _Joseph and I have been married for a month now, and while it is generally wonderful, I am still reeling about all the sudden changes. Our home is lovely, but I get these sudden feelings that it would be wonderful to sleep in my girlhood bedroom once again, waking up and having breakfast with Mama, Papa, and Annabelle. I have told all of this to Joseph as he says it is important to tell him everything, and he reminds me that I might be feeling not like myself due to the pregnancy. I hope it is only that, and I feel much more comfortable in my new life soon._

 _Lissie, if I may call you that again, of course, please forgive me for talking about myself in such length. Your letter suggested a great many things that have happened for you! Please know that I am very happy for your professional successes, and Joseph is as well. We are both very proud of you. Truly. I have a wish to read some of your writing. May I look for it here? Or will you bring a copy for me when you return to Williamsburg?_

 _I do not know what to tell you about Ben. I trust your judgement and know not of all the details that drove you and Ben to split up, but I do mourn for the both of you. While I urged caution when you first told me of your secret relationship, I was truly happy for the both of you, thinking that this was some kind of divine force that brought the two of you together. Would you care to tell me some of the details about the situation that drove your split? If you don't mind of course. You say that he is sailing away, but where? I wonder if being apart from him for more than a year played into your decision. If you could see him again, would you change your mind?_

 _I hope you do not mind me asking such personal questions of you. I do miss our closeness, and wish we could go back to what we once were. I feel as if I have no true friends here; the ladies only tolerate me because my husband is a respectable member of the community. Suffice to say that everyone knows about the necessity of my hasty marriage! But it is like I told you, what goes around comes around. So I know I must suffer._

 _Please write back soon,_

 _Elizabeth Stevens_

Felicity read the letter twice through, the warm words putting a rare smile on her face. She had to remind herself that Elizabeth was now a wife and soon to be a mother, for the letter brought her back to a place where the two of them were just children, sharing their hopes, dreams, and secrets with one another. And yet, parts of the letter were a little difficult to bear, as it was made clear that Elizabeth at times felt uneasy and lonely in her new life. It seemed like she was in need of a friend, and was so very grateful that Felicity had finally reached out.

 _I too, am in need of a friend_ , thought Felicity as she set the letter down. All diplomacy between her and Ben had broken down, and now Felicity had delegated herself to a member of the staff. She still ate dinner with the Davidsons and the Spencers, seated uncomfortably next to Ben, and allotted the same, formal small talk that was decent of a young woman of her position. She no longer conversed in length with Anna, nor did she have coffee with Ingrid. To say that she had no personal interactions would be speaking the truth. So, to receive a letter with such kind words was indeed capital, and served to push all of her unpleasant memories of Elizabeth aside.

Felicity leaned over in her chair, and picked up a book that detailed the food crops of the Americas with a mind to create a lesson plan for Lacey. The book was too complicated for the girl to read, so Felicity had a mind to summarize each of the foods that they ate on a daily basis, and have the girl pinpoint where they came from. She took out a fresh piece of paper and wrote a list.

 _Wheat_

 _Tomatoes_

 _Potatoes_

 _Corn_

 _Strawberries_

 _Chocolate_

She flipped through the book, searching for each of the answers. Wheat originated in the Fertile Crescent, encompassing Syria in the Ottoman Empire, tomatoes and potatoes were both from Peru, high up in the Andes mountain range. Corn was from Mexico controlled by the Spanish Crown, strawberries were from right here in the colonies, although….Felicity placed her finger down on the page as she read, the strawberries that were so delightful to eat were a cross between berries native to the Colonies, and a berry that originated from Chile, way down south. She flipped back to the map on the first page of the book, and found Chile as a large label below Peru. The two locations were lacking borders as if the cartographer wasn't sure where Peru ended and Chile began.

How does one even go about pronouncing Chile? Is it pronounced _Chilly_ , like the weather, or is it _Chee-lay_? Felicity hadn't the faintest idea, and there was no one about her that she might ask. Except…perhaps Ben would know. He worked for a shipping company, and it was likely that there was a geographer or perhaps linguist on staff that he might talk to.

But the idea of asking Ben, well, that was simply ludicrous. She and Ben hadn't spoken since she had gone to thank him for convincing Anna to not fire her. That had been nearly a week ago, and since then, they had been silent in each other's presence. To Felicity, this was the best scenario, as the few moments that she had accidentally locked eyes with him, it took her back to their final conversation in which Ben had been drunk on gin and Felicity had finally opened up about the abuse she had suffered in Williamsburg. And she still saw him as she had left him that night, his face crumpling into his hands, shoulders shaking. There was no going back, he had said so himself.

Felicity took a shaky breath, and re-focused on the map. The pronunciation of Chile was not all that important to verify at this time. She did not know any Spanish, but from what she had heard of it, _Chee-lay_ seemed like it might be the right answer. She would just have to let Lacey know that it was but an educated guess.

….

Ben did his best to stifle a yawn as he trailed behind his mother. The two of them were out shopping near the Philadelphia city center, and in Ben's opinion, the outing had been dragging on far too long. Their aim had been to purchase gifts for his father's upcoming birthday, but his mother kept on coming up with new reasons to be out. He reminded himself that he did not get a lot of personal time to spend with her, so he should relax and let his impatience go.

At the moment, they were in one of the milliner's shop where his mother was wondering if baby Sibby was still too young to be wearing lace. "I'm looking for something soft enough for a baby, she is one years old now, and getting quite fat! A sign of very good health!" She assured the milliner. In his inexperienced opinion, Ben didn't think that Sibby needed to be wearing anything with lace. But if it made his mother and sister happy, then so be it. He turned his attention away from the two ladies and focused idly on all the different shades of cloth available for purchase, which was arranged to best represent the full spectrum of color. There were neutrals like white, cream, gray, and brown, which grew brighter into bolts of maroon, red, yellow, green, blue, and violet. He impulsively took his fingers and ran them across the spools, as if he could feel the colors.

"Excuse me, young man! Please take a bit of care with the cloth." The milliner's voice rang out, commanding, but not harsh.

"Please excuse me, Ma'am." Ben gave her a nod, an embarrassed flush flooding his face. He turned back towards the row of colors, consciously keeping his arms at his sides. The colors he spotted first were the blues and the greens, which unfortunately were the color that Felicity most often wore, and the color of Felicity's eyes.

 _That will be two more pence for the Avoid jar._ The Avoid jar did not exist in real life; it was just a figment of his imagination. Every time he put a thought towards Felicity, he would lose two imaginary pence to it. _Imaginary pence, for thoughts are imaginary._

On the upside, he had thought of her using her given name. Not Miss Merriman, not his niece's governess. He had thought of her as Felicity. And it was alright.

 _I could test myself further, and use her affectionate name._

 _Lissie_.

Saying it once was fine, so he challenged himself by staring at the green cloth, and repeating _Lissie….Lissie…Lissie…_ over and over in his mind. It was working! He was feeling fine!

Everything was fine, everything was as it should be….

He stared at the green cloth more intently, and imagined Felicity's face, watching him with those green eyes that held equal parts affection and intelligence, the corners of her mouth turning up slightly when she was feeling playful. A beat later, he could feel her fine weight on top of him as they lay together, the tip of her tongue lightly brushing his lip as they kissed. He swallowed thickly. Obviously this was pushing it too far.

"Ben? We are all set here, so let us move along." His mother's voice rang out. He turned to see her walking his way, a spool of lace under her arm. Her brow furrowed as she drew near, studying his face. He blinked, realizing that his eyes had welled up slightly. _Damn it all, why do I cry so easily?_

"Oh Ben," his mother said, a look of sympathy passing over her face, "Let us be on our way. We will go home now, alright?"

Ben swallowed again and shook his head slightly as if to physically brush off his emotions. "I am fine, Mother. Did we need to go anywhere else?"

"No, no." His mother replied. "We will go home immediately so that you can rest. I have a few more errands to run but I will take Siobhan with me."

"Where was it?" Ben asked, a little forcefully, "It was to the spice monger, correct? You did mention it earlier." He started in the direction of the spice shop.

"Ben." His mother called out after him, her voice commanding just as the Milliner's voice had been.

He stopped and turned around. "I am fine, Mother. I promise. I just need to keep busy. A rest would not help me at this moment."

"Oh! Of course." His mother caught up to him, and studied his face. "Just please know that I am worried about you, and your father is too. We want to make sure that you are well at this terrible time."

Ben winced, finding his mother's sympathy a little grating. "I am doing fine. Any concern is unnecessary."

His mother nodded slowly, although he could plainly see that she did not believe him. He started towards the spice shop once again, and his mother followed him. There was silence for a few moments, before she spoke up again. "I could speak with her, would you want that?"

Ben stopped dead in his tracks and faced her again, horror passing through him at the idea of his mother pleading his case to his former sweetheart. "No! I would not want that, please promise me that you will not!"

His mother kept a perfectly calm expression in spite of his sharp tone. "Your father told me that it was Felicity that called off the engagement plans. So I could speak with her on your behalf."

"Mother, please." Ben closed his eyes and put a hand up to his temple, although it did not ache, "Please promise me that you will not meddle. She called it off, and there is nothing to be done or said that will take something like that back. It is done, and we are all moving on. My life continues."

"Now Ben," his mother ignored his emphasis on the finality of the break, "I consider Felicity to be a dear friend of mine still for the time being. You cannot make me promise that I will not speak with a friend." She crossed her arms and looked up at Ben.

Ben wanted to express his indignation that his mother would not turn away from Felicity in his favor, but she had him there. Felicity and his mother had grown close, and he did not have the right to end their friendship. Still, he could make his feelings known. "I find it rather insulting that you would put her on the same pedestal of your favor as me, your son." He griped.

His mother had the audacity to chuckle. "We are friends for the time being, might I emphasize. If I cannot convince her, then of course I will turn my favor away."

This did not make Ben feel any better, but he knew there was little he could do. "Just please let it be known, that I do not wish for you to speak with her! How pathetic would that be?"

"Oh, I don't see it as pathetic at all. Parents often intervene in their childrens' romantic lives. In fact, perhaps I feel it is my responsibility to you!" Ingrid placed her hands on her hips.

"Mother!" Ben exclaimed. "I do not wish for this, not one bit! How can I convince you?"

"I do acknowledge your wish, but that is the best that I can say to you." His mother said, a serious look passing over her face that reminded him of her authority. "Now, let us go on to the spice shop, since you insist you are well." She turned and stalked in the direction of the shop.

Ben was tempted to turn in the opposite direction and just continue on home, but he sighed, and chased after his mother.

….

Felicity was sitting in the company of Siobhan, as the two of them were taking lunch right on the small preparation table in the kitchen. Felicity had previously joined the Davidsons and the Spencers for their midday meal, but she had taken to eating with the Irish maid instead, feeling like it was more fitting towards her position as a member of the household staff.

It was a casual affair with the two of them sitting in silence, Siobhan reading her prayer book, and Felicity with a new letter from Nan. She had taken her time settling down with her plate, as the letter brought with it a sense of nervousness. Unless Elizabeth had promised herself that she would spread no more rumors of Felicity, it was likely that she had gone to Nan with the information about Ben.

And perhaps, that was acceptable. She had a new life now, and it was high time that her family knew about it. She broke the seal of the letter and unfolded it.

 _March 2_ _nd_ _, 1783_

 _Dearest Lissie,_

 _I am going to get right to the heart of it; I heard from Elizabeth yesterday that you have recently written to her, and declared in no ambiguous terms that you have called things off with Ben. I of course told Mother and Father, and we all are in agreement that this is a rash and unwise decision. You will have to forgive me for not mincing words since you insist that you are an adult and can bear harsh treatment._

 _Lissie, have you gone mad? Both Elizabeth and I searched what we knew and made attempts to guess at what transpired between the two of you, and we find ourselves at quite a loss. In your letter, you said that he was sailing abroad. Surely he will return, or why would you not want to travel with him? I hope you do find time to enlighten me, and convince me all the same that you are in your sane mind, for Ben was the only boy that fit your special brand of subversiveness._

 _I wish to offer my congratulations on your taste of literary success. I pray that it continues, because the odds are looking more clear to all of us here that you will need to rely on it._

 _I pray that you come to your senses soon,_

 _Your Sister,_

 _Nan_

Felicity folded up the letter, trying to suppress a mad bit of laughter. She grinned and shook her head, trying to brush off the tongue-lashing she had just received from Nan, and she imagined Mother had a good hand in it as well.

 _Mother_. Just as Nan said, she had finally written to Felicity just a few weeks after the silence at Christmastide. It was a short, yet pleasant letter, in which she spoke about the holidays, and hoped that Felicity was taking care of herself and getting on fine in her new role. The letter had set her mind at peace, but she saw the ever-expanding divide between herself and her mother. Some girls grew up having close, loving relationships with their mothers. And Felicity knew that she did not. It was indeed a sad thing, but it was what it was.

In the past, there was likely a part of Felicity that would have been upset at not receiving a letter from her mother. These were the thoughts that silence was far, far worse than furious reprimand. But now, she had little patience for her mother's disproval, and was almost glad to not have received two letters of the same message. She tossed the letter aside, and focused on her plate.

 _Nan and Elizabeth are of the same mind that a woman must be married so that she may rely on her husband's support._

 _Even if I was to marry Ben, I wouldn't do it just to keep myself from starving!_

 _Marriage is not the only path, and men are more than just the money they make! Is that truly what Mother thought of Father before they married?_

Felicity looked up at Siobhan, who was flipping through her prayer book. "Siobhan, may I ask you a question?"

The girl looked up at her, a confused look passing over her eyes. "Of course, Miss Felicity."

"I apologize if it is a little up-front, you may excuse yourself from answering and I will not be offended." Felicity added quickly, remembering her manners.

"Of course, Miss Felicity," was the repeated reply as she folded her hands and looked expectedly at Felicity.

"How old are you, Siobhan?" Felicity asked.

"Twenty-five, Miss." Siobhan answered. Despite the forwardness of the question, she seemed completely nonplussed. Her answer surprised Felicity for her rather youthful appearance; she had figured the maid to not be a day over seventeen. Perhaps she would need to cease thinking of her as but a girl.

Felicity continued. "I'm afraid that I know nothing about you, and for that, I am sorry."

"It is quite alright, Miss Felicity." Siobhan said. "You may ask me more questions if it pleases you."

This was the sentiment that Felicity was hoping for. "Are you married? Do you have a family here in town?"

Siobhan gave a slight smile. "No, Miss, I am not married and never have been. I have a home with my mother and younger brother and sister, but Master and Missus keep a room for me here as well."

"You came from Ireland with your mother and brothers?" Felicity asked.

"Aye, from Galway." Siobhan said. "It was me, mother, my two elder brothers, and my younger brother. My father had arrived in the Colonies three years' prior. He had debt, you know, and needed to pay it off before he could continue to provide for us"

"Farming." Felicity guessed, and Siobhan nodded an affirmative. Many Irishmen came to the Colonies to work on farms for essentially no pay, with the promise that they would be freed from debt. Williamsburg had very few Irish, but Felicity knew of a few households that lived in shacks alongside freed slaves. Siobhan must have come from similar grinding poverty. "And your elder brother, is he also tending the fields?"

"No, Miss." Siobhan shook her head. "My elder brothers enlisted to fight with the Continental Army, and did not return. God Rest Their Souls."

"I am very sorry to hear of that." _Yet more young men, carried off by the war_ , Felicity thought.

Siobhan nodded. "We were notified of their deaths on the same day, nearly three months after they had departed this Earth. My mother always had a bit of fragility about her, despite the strengths she showed as we left our home behind in Ireland. This drove her mind away, and she disappeared as well."

Siobhan fell silent, yet she looked at Felicity expectantly as if she were awaiting another question. Felicity felt relieved that she had not pushed too far, and now did not hold back, treating the conversation like a proper interview. "If I understand correctly, you were now the eldest. How old were you? What did you do?"

"I was twelve, Miss. Not much I could do on my own but rely on the kindness of my neighbors, though they had little to give. Things became dire, but my youngest brother and I were taken in by the church, and I was given training to work as a maid. First, I was cleaning houses, then I learned to cook."

Siobhan at this point was speaking so openly and freely, that Felicity finally mustered the courage to ask about her father. "Did your father also fight in the war?"

Siobhan frowned slightly. "I don't know, Miss. My father turned to drink often as many of the men in my community do. By the time I was ten I saw him so rarely that it no longer mattered."

Felicity shook her head in sympathy. "How brave your mother must have been, to take care of you and your siblings as best as she could."

"Aye." Siobhan said. "You may have guessed that my mother returned eventually, as with her she brought a new child, a half sister. My mother alluded to pleading with the man that they must marry, but I believe he already had a wife. I do not know who he is, to me he does not exist." She raised her chin ever-so-slightly, a sign of pride.

Felicity felt her own strength swirling within her, and gave Nan's letter a look of disdain. "I do not mean to equate our stories and downplay your hardship, but I am reminded of the letter I have just received from my sister. She admonishes me for breaking things off with Ben, as if I absolutely need the support of a husband to survive! I am in awe of your mother, who survived and held your family together in the absence of your father."

"Aye. I've learned one thing in this life for sure. Getting married did not keep my mother from starving." Siobhan said.

"And so you won't marry." Felicity asked, thought it was not really a question.

"I don't believe it will happen. I see the men in my community about, and they drink and gamble and disappear just as my father did. Many of the young ladies I grew up with went into service just as I have. Others have gotten married for their want of children was strong, and now they must do what they can for their little ones for many of their husbands will not protect them, and in many cases, they beat them." Siobhan said.

Felicity scoffed. "What a terrible fate, an awful curse!" She had a flash of memory, Stewart Andrews moving as fast as lightening, striking her with a closed fist across her face. It drew a shudder from her. "I think you have made a wise decision with your life. I have great respect for your judgement."

Siobhan continued, "I do not dislike all marriage, for I see in the rich households there are many fine gentlemen that respect and care for their wives, and I know that in a more blessed life I have a husband like Master William or perhaps Master Benjamin, who cares for me and the children that we have together. But 'tis not to be in this life, and I have thanked God for the opportunities that he has given me to thrive."

Felicity listened, taking in every word. She felt herself smile, inspired by Siobhan's strength and fortitude. A silence passed over the two of them, and Siobhan suddenly clapped a hand over her mouth. "My sincerest apologies, Miss Felicity! I did not mean to imply I had designs on either Master William or Master Benjamin! Please…please do not tell them of what I said, and I hope to God that you do not believe it!"

Felicity laughed. "No, of course not. I believe you Siobhan, but between you and me, I'll tell you that Ben is not as fine of a gentleman as you think he is!" She had meant this statement as a jest, but there was a slight, malicious undertone to it.

"Miss?" Siobhan asked, curious.

"He admits it himself, that he is quite the scoundrel." Felicity shrugged ruefully.

Siobhan said nothing in return, but gave Felicity a small smile. Was it pity that she saw? Disbelief? Either way, Felicity felt the underpinnings of guilt seep in _. I didn't mean it. Ben is no scoundrel._

 _Or, if he is a scoundrel, then I am too._

She re-focused on Siobhan, who had been watching her patiently. "Thank you so much for sharing your story with me, Siobhan."

"No worries, Miss." Siobhan replied. "You have an open, understanding face about you. Thank you for giving me the space to speak."

Felicity smiled back, hoping that Siobhan did not dwell over her insult of Ben.

….

Ben watched with interest as his father opened up a parcel of mail from Yorktown, forwarded from his sister, Charlotte. He was on the lookout for any letters from the Asiatic Company that had neglected to update his current address. The parcel held only a small stack of letters, which Samuel quickly divided into nearly equal piles between himself, and his mother.

His father held up one letter and took a longer glance at the address, adjusting his eyeglasses. After a moment, he handed it to Ben. "This one is for you. From Williamsburg."

Ben took it from him, and studied his name written in a perfect, yet unfamiliar script. He turned it around, and read the return address.

 _Mrs. Martha Merriman_

 _6 Duke of Glouchester Road_

 _Williamsburg, Virginia_

Ben felt a cold chill run down his spine at the recognition of the name. Felicity's mother had written directly to him. This had never happened before in the year and a half since he had left Williamsburg, so she must have had something urgent to say.

 _Oh no…._

The cold chill intensified, settling into this chest. He wandered into the parlor, breaking the seal and opening it up.

 _February 28_ _th_ _, 1783_

 _Dear Benjamin,_

 _I hope this letter finds you well, trusting that you have healed completely and are restored to good health. I also hope that Christmastide and the New Year brought good tidings to you and to your family._

 _I do not mean to offend you by simply calling you by your nickname, Ben. To me, you are still the quiet, shy boy that came to live with us many years ago. I did my best to offer you comfort, and often worried that you were homesick and unhappy. And bit by bit, you opened up to us. I know that much of this had to do with the friendship that you shared with my eldest daughter, Felicity. I feel as though I do not need to remind you of the close relationship that you have with Felicity, a relationship that I still know very little about! But I will tell you that Edward and I have great affection for you. You were a part of the family for several years, we mourned when you went off to fight in the war, and we celebrated when you made a full recovery and were able to return to us. We regret how things soured between us, but held on to our belief that this bitter turn would be but temporary as you and Felicity would eventually marry._

 _This brings us to the main issue, that we have heard that you and Felicity have called off all plans for an engagement. This came at such an utter shock to me, and to my husband as well. We are both terribly vexed by it. Felicity informed Elizabeth that you are sailing abroad in a few weeks. We know not the circumstances of your plans, so all that we can do is to implore you to speak with Felicity. Is there some arrangement that can be made that would allow the two of you to meet and speak in person? Edward and I would be happy to host you and your parents here in Williamsburg if it is at all possible. Our greatest regret is that there is so much distance between us all right now, which is the crux of the issue. We have heard the news that Felicity is coming on to her own, but we still hold out concern for her future well-being, and yours too._

 _Please let us know if there is anything that can be done at this time. I have avoided writing to Felicity at this time in favor of giving her some space to make her own decisions. I hope I do not feel the need to contact her directly on this issue, for I fear it might challenge the admittedly tenuous relationship that I have with my eldest daughter._

 _With great affection,_

 _Martha Merriman_

Ben read through the letter a few times, trying to piece together all of the relevant information. Felicity must have told Elizabeth of their break, and cited his travel to Scandinavia as the reason. Mrs. Merriman's continued lament that they were all so far apart gave him pause, but then he realized that the Merrimans had no idea that he was in Philadelphia. The letter had been addressed to Yorktown, after all. He tapped his fingers, not knowing exactly how to reply, or even if he should reply. The very least he could do would be to write the Merrimans and give them more details about his travel, and assure them that he bore no ill will over being sent back to Yorktown. He had since conceded that Mr. Merriman was correct; he needed to gain a foothold in society if he was ever going to be able to support and provide a home for Felicity.

 _And what has that gotten me?_

Judging by the letter, the Merrimans seemed more confused than anything else. They urged that Ben and Felicity at least talk. Ben was the first to admit that this was something that they had not done. Sure, there was that horrible night in which his emotions got the best of him, but the conversation they had was not the one that the Merrimans had in mind. He had told her then that there was no chance they were mending their bond. Did he actually mean that?

Yes, at that moment, he did. The cold truth of the matter was that Felicity had looked him in the eye and told him that she was no longer interested in an engagement, or marriage. These were words that could not be taken back.

He leaned back in his chair and closed his eyes, thinking. If Mr. and Mrs. Merriman wished at the very least for them to talk, then he would of course oblige them. Yes, a talk. That would do. The very next time that he saw her, he would make an earnest attempt to speak with her, calmly and forthrightly.

And what if Felicity took back all the things that she had said to him? Would he in turn, take her back? His response was still a no, but it rang out less resolute than before.

….

Felicity sat alone at the dinner table, a borrowed map spread out in front of her, and a book on the Global Diversity of Botanicals open in front of her. The concept of the centers of origin of crops had interested her greatly, and in her spare time she sought the answers to the questions she had. Her original list of crops had been fine to look up the answers and present them to Lacey, but now that she was looking for details, she needed to narrow down the list. And surprisingly, she hadn't focused on the berries or apples that she loved, but the story of plain, boring potatoes had caught her eye.

Her original thought was of potatoes being of Ireland, since they were an integral of the Irish diet, but the book had informer her that they came from South America, brought to Europe by Spanish explorers. The Global Diversity of Botanicals displayed illustrations of the diversity of potato tubers, plants, and blooms that were found in the Andean mountains, and it was a far cry from the bland crop that she knew. How exquisite was this display of variety! The book described potatoes of all colors of the rainbow, some tasting as sweet as candy! Why were these not available in the Colonies?

She heard steps coming down the stairwell and looked up to see a familiar hand gripping the banister. It was Ben. He took the last few steps and entered the dining room, looking at her with the faintest expression of surprise. It was obvious that he had perhaps expected an empty room. "Good day, Felicity." He said, finding his voice after a beat.

"Hello and good day to you." Felicity replied evenly. She glanced at Ben's hand, which held a piece of paper. "Did you get a letter?" She asked, for lack of anything better to say.

Ben held it up and studied it. "Yes, but nothing concerning." He folded it in half, and slipped it into his vest pocket.

Felicity put on a mild expression, expecting him to just once again bid her a good day and then depart, but instead, he caught sight of the maps and book in front of her. "May I inquire as to what you are doing?" He looked towards the map with interest.

Ah yes, Ben loved maps. "I was teaching your niece about where the plants that we grow for food actually come from." Felicity said.

"So where do they come from?" He was now bent over one of the maps, using his finger to trace the path of the Nile river through Egypt.

"Well," Felicity began, rattling off her list from memory, "I have found that wheat comes from Syria, Strawberries from Chile, Maize comes from Mexico, and potatoes come from Peru. This is the lesson that I presented to Lacey. But some of the detail I found when I was studying the potato has proven to be quite fascinating, so I figured I would take a more detailed look out of my own interest."

Ben pulled the map of the Americas closer to him. "So potatoes are fascinating now?" He asked.

Felicity was a little surprised to see a ghost of a smile on his face, as if he were joking with her. "As a matter of fact, they are!" She replied with mock-haughtiness. "You just need to educate yourself better. Here," She pulled the _Global Diversity of Botanicals_ towards her, and gestured to the many illustrations on the page. "In the Andean mountains, that's Chile and Peru, the Indians there cultivate so many different types of potatoes. Just look at all of the shapes, colors and sizes!"

Ben gave a genuine smile. "Alright, I concede that this concept is quite interesting. But, did my niece agree?"

Felicity's smile fell as the memories of the lesson just earlier that day came back to her. "No, Lacey refused to listen to anything that I had said, refused to read, and refused to learn." She raised a hand to her temple, just as she did when the girl had defiantly laid down on the floor and stared up at the ceiling when asked to find Syria on a map.

"I thought you and Lacey got along quite well. What happened?" Ben asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Lacey has caught wind of what has happened between you and I, that we are not just in a fight, but have split completely." Felicity said, finding no reason to answer him less than truthfully, "She believes that I have been quite cruel to you, and sees my existence as a betrayal." She felt her tone go unintentionally accusatory.

Ben pressed his lips together, all traces of his amused expression gone. "It goes without saying that I love my niece dearly, but I question the way my sister coddles her. I see Anna's half-hearted attempts to chastise Lacey, and I see Anna putting the burden of fixing her behavior on you. I don't agree with it." He shrugged and fixed his gaze on her. "On the other hand I suppose I should be grateful that she has chosen to stand up for me. Did you wish for me to speak to her, to assure her that I am fine and that she best listen to you?"

His words struck Felicity in a way that he had likely not intended. Was he actually fine, just as he said? She swallowed uncomfortably, forcing ill thoughts out of her mind. "No, I think not at this time. Honestly, I wonder if between you, your sister coming down hard on me, and Lacey's uncooperative nature, I wonder…I wonder if in fact this is really the best place for me at this time."

She watched Ben to see if he would still remain to be _fine_ upon hearing these words. He averted his eyes, looking down upon the _Global Diversity of Botanicals_ and appeared as though he was studying the illustrations. It was a few moments before he finally spoke. "I am a little surprised to see that you are studying botany as opposed to working on your story. Are you taking a rest from it?"

Of course Ben would chose to ignore that she was thinking of leaving. "The story was a never-ending source of frustration for me, and the night that you told me to leave you alone, do you remember that? I decided after departing from your room that I simply was not capable of finishing it. So into the fire it went, and now it is but ash that has been since swept away." Her words were not planned, but the weight of them hung over her. _The story of us, now reduced to ash. So indeed, art imitates life. I'm so sorry, Ben._

"That is quite unfortunate." Ben said softly.

"And now I have nothing for Mr. Cornish." Felicity said, retreating from her heavier thoughts.

"You will." Ben said without hesitation. "I'm sure you have a million seeds of stories bouncing around in their somewhere." He gestured towards her, and stood up. "Just plant a few of the seeds, and see how they grow. Chose one and cultivate it. You will be celebrated for your talent and skill and mind, just you wait. Everyone will eventually know what I have known for a long, long time."

Felicity watched him as he pushed his chair in and headed back towards the stairwell, pride glowing in her chest with his compliment. "Do you really believe I am capable?"

Ben turned around. "Honestly and truly." He paused, leaning against the bannister.

Felicity saw him, standing tall just as he would when she imagined he would be on the deck of the ship that would take him far, far away to a future that she did not know, nor would be a part of. "But, you will not be there to see it." The words were meant to be expressed internally, but she felt her lips move, and heard the sound of her voice.

"No, it appears that I will not." Ben said, watching her. His next movements were completely out of character. He walked back over to her, and as she held her breath, simply bent over and kissed the top of her head. "Please do not despair so much, I hate to see it." With that, he walked back to the staircase and began making his way up.

"Ben?" Felicity called up. "Thank you for speaking with me."

She saw Ben's footsteps again, and a moment later Ben sat down in the mid stairwell and peered at her through the bars. "Anytime."

He then stood back up, the sound of his footsteps growing softer and more distant, finally ending with the sound of a door closing.

….

Felicity laid out a clean sheet of paper, and after a quick check of the calendar to verify that the date was indeed the fourteenth, put her quill down and began to write.

 _March 14_ _th_ _, 1783_

 _Dearest Elizabeth,_

 _How glad I was to have received your letter! Despite all of the good things that have come of my life here in Philadelphia, the one very important piece I am missing is a good friend. My heart hurts to read that you have some misgivings about your new life, but I have confidence that soon you will find your way. I too get these strange nostalgic feelings every so often, where I wish I would wake up again in my childhood room and life. We must think fondly of these times, but life moves in a straight line and we must carry ourselves with as much pride, fortitude, and love as we can into the future._

 _At least that is what I am telling myself as I continue to carve out a future for myself. I am still standing by my decision to break off my future with Ben. He and I have come to an amicable understanding, and today we talked almost comfortably as friends. I revealed to him that I have been having these thoughts that Philadelphia may have run its course for me, not out of complete sincerity, mind you, but just a possibility that I might soon need to face. He did not try to argue with me, but instead changed the subject. This left me rather vexed, as I was not quite expecting myself to be so stung by his dismissal of my mention of leaving._

 _But then again, he is leaving as well, so perhaps his reaction is to be expected…._

Felicity stopped right there. This was not a letter to Elizabeth so much as it was an incoherent string of her own thoughts, and it simply wouldn't do. However, in these words were a truth that she needed to face. Why was it that Ben's calm demeanor got to her? Why couldn't she be as calm as he was?

She folded up the letter and tossed it aside, then opened up the drawer of her desk for a new sheet, only to find it completely empty. _Damn it all._

Her options were to forget the letter for the time being and head out to buy a new stack with the vow that she would not be so careless, or, if she didn't want to take the time to run the errand, she knew that William kept a stack of spare paper in his office.

While she knew that she was not at the liberty of just helping herself to office supplies, Elizabeth was on her mind right now, and she had best write and send off the letter as quickly as she could. Her mind made up, she crept down the stairs in the direction of the Spencers' study.

As she passed the parlor, a voice called out to her. "Felicity darling? Is that you?"

Felicity took a step back, already feeling guilty even though she had yet to steal any paper. "Yes Mrs. Davidson." She poked her head into the parlor, seeing Ben and Anna's mother sitting with a tray of coffee.

Upon seeing Felicity, Ingrid slid a bookmarker into the novel she was reading, and set it aside. "Please, Felicity, come have some coffee with me, will you?"

"Yes, of course Ma'am." Something froze up within Felicity, and she obediently entered the parlor and sat down in the adjacent chair. She watched Ingrid glide away to the other room to retrieve a mug, then returned to pour Felicity some of the strong beverage. "Please dear, you may still call me Ingrid, despite all that has happened. I prefer it." She reminded Felicity.

"Of course, Ingrid." Felicity took the cup graciously, trying her best to mask the trembling of her hand.

Ingrid began. "My dear, I hope that I do not make you too nervous. I want to speak with you about my son, so that I may get a better understanding of what has happened between the two of you. Are you alright with this?"

Her face did not hold any animosity, and there were the traces of open warmth that Felicity had grown to appreciate. Thus, she tentatively agreed. "Yes Ma'-, I mean, Ingrid." However, she still felt the need to brace herself for a very uncomfortable conversation.

Ingrid did not hesitate. "Have you and my son made love yet?"

Felicity nearly choked on her coffee. "I beg pardon, Ma'am?" Nothing could have prepared her for this question.

Ingrid gave her an encouraging smile. "You may answer truthfully, my dear. Samuel and I made love before we were wed, and I have never dreamt of casting judgement over a woman who had done just that." She looked towards Felicity, her eyes showing nothing but encouragement.

"No." Felicity said, grateful that she did not have to lie. "We have not yet. I swear in God's name that I am still a maid."

Ingrid watched her for a moment more, searching to see if this was the truth. Felicity held her gaze, curious to see where this was going. She finally clicked her tongue, as if she were disappointed with the answer. Felicity wondered if Ben was aware that this question had been asked.

Ingrid finally continued. "Felicity, has Ben ever told you about how I and his father were wed?"

Felicity searched her thoughts. "He has. Ben described your union as a love match. You met his father during your travel to the Colonies, and how you met Mr. Davidson and fell in love. It all seemed so perfect, just a charming story."

Ingrid gave her a wry smile. "I can attest that the story that Ben told you has some truth to it. I did indeed meet and fall for Samuel while I was accompanying my father to the Colonies. But the sort of love that Ben described and you understand, I do not know if that was the part of the story that was true. Would you care to listen as I tell the story of Samuel and I? I hope that it gives you a deeper understanding of yourself and Ben."

"Yes, of course Ingrid." Felicity said, letting her curious nature show on the outside.

Ingrid began. "I grew up in Copenhagen, the daughter of a merchant just like yourself. I had three older brothers, and two older sisters. Much like Ben, I was the youngest child. My mother was ill much of my life, and I was often tasked with caring for her while my father was away. I was seventeen years old when she passed of a consumptive fever, and I found myself alone. My siblings all had families of their own, and my many friends were all settling down and beginning their own families. I had no beau of my own, just my empty house. Have I described this adequately?"

Felicity nodded an agreement, and Ingrid continued. "My father was to leave again as soon as my mother was laid to rest, and his heart could not bear the thought of leaving me behind, all alone. Out of care for me, or a sense of obligation or fatherly protection, he wished for me to travel with him to Virginia. I only needed just a few minutes to decide to go."

"How exciting for you. I mean, I am sorry about your mother's passing, but I cannot think of a better way to cope with your loss than to go on an adventure." Felicity breathed.

Ingrid nodded. "The Colonies were not as beautiful as my native Denmark, mind you, but the sea-scented air and the open blue sky, then the new city and its culture to explore made it all wonderful for me. You must understand that here, I had a new life, fully free and uninhibited. I was now a foreign beauty with the gift of holding the gaze and attention of many men. There was one in particular that I was very fond of. This was Ben's father, and he was the most handsome man that I had ever laid eyes on."

Ingrid then paused and looked at Felicity, who held on with rapt attention. The base part of her mind acknowledged that Ben looked more like his mother, but she recognized that Samuel Davidson was indeed handsome for an older man.

Ingrid continued. "Samuel was more aloof than the other men were, but I knew that he saw my beauty. I put my claws in him and it wasn't long before he was mine. I had him in a way that I probably don't need to describe to you. We did a poor job of hiding it, for soon both my father and his father became aware of our affair." She smiled widely with the memory of her conquest, and continued. "My father tried to put a stop to it, but knew that it was too late. We had been foolish, and I was already showing signs of a certain condition, one that could not be undone. Do you understand me, Felicity?"

Felicity's thoughts went to Elizabeth, who had found herself in a certain predicament. "I understand, Ingrid."

Ingrid continued. "So I had my way. Samuel and I were wed hastily, and my father returned to Copenhagen without me. We set up a home together, and he was given a chain of shops to manage so that he might provide for me and our daughter that was to come. And it was within the span of eight weeks that I went from being a mysterious foreign beauty to a pregnant wife. Everything changed so quickly for me; my body swelled up, and while some women love the changes that they see with pregnancy, I felt ungraceful and exhausted, ill to the point of being unable to enjoy food or drink. I was no longer a mysterious foreign beauty with an endearing accent, I struggled with my poor English to understand, and be understood. I was homesick, missing my Copenhagen, my father, and my departed mother. I tried to look towards Samuel for comfort, but I could tell he was nearly as uncomfortable as I was in his new role. He tried to make me happy, but I could see the regret etched deep in his face. I wanted to look towards his mother for support and guidance in my new life, but she did not hide her disgust of me. You can see how I vowed to myself to never treat my future sons- and daughter-in-law as I had been treated!"

Felicity took in Ingrid's story with rapt attention, feeling a great sense of sorrow for her plight and empathy for her regret. "Oh. I am…I am so sorry" was all she thought to say.

Ingrid waved her off. "I can assure you, my dear that things slowly improved for me. Our dear Sylvie was born, and she was very much loved by both of us. I learned to carry myself with pride once again as my English improved, and Samuel and I came to understand and care for one another. There is now great love between us as I hope you can see. It is not easy, but I know that he is the most important person in my life and I must devote myself to love him as I know he devotes himself to loving me. But it has taken time, effort, and patience. The years have not been easy to us, but they have been worth it. It wasn't long after that I had my beautiful Charlotte, my sweet Sarah, and my smart Anna. And finally, with great surprise nearly eleven years later, my handsome Ben. I have lived a happy and fulfilled life, and I can say with certainty that Samuel has as well."

"So…a happy ending." Felicity said. Ben was accurate for the most part when he described his parents' marriage as a love match.

"I would say so." Ingrid said. "But I hope you take away from my story about how marriage takes effort. There is no such thing as a perfect union, especially if it has such a hasty beginning. And that brings me to the subject of you and Ben."

Felicity swallowed uncomfortably, holding the coffee cup to her lips as she waited for Ingrid to continue. "…It is a massive understatement to say that you and Ben have not had a hasty beginning. You have been friends since you were both children, baring the deep parts of your souls to one another going back years! You two have fought and reconciled, were separated for years not once, but twice and your bond has survived, first as close friendship during the years that Ben fought in the Great War, then as romantic love this long last year."

Felicity nodded, slowly understanding what Ingrid was getting at. The older woman continued. "Don't you see it, dear Felicity? I know that your path to the altar has been long and frustrating, but you and Ben have already done one of the most difficult parts. The two of you will weather this next separation, and what you will have together will endure for years to come."

Felicity looked down upon her now-empty cup. Perhaps Ingrid was right. She had been so frustrated with all of the delays in her and Ben's union, comparing the difficulty that the two of them had with the easy path that Elizabeth and Joseph had. Perhaps she was looking at it from the wrong angle.

Ingrid placed her empty cup onto the tray. "I do hope that my words have given you some perspective, my dear. This is your life, and perhaps you hold onto some thoughts that I know not of, but I only see the strength of the bond that you hold with my son, a bond that has existed for years. I know that if you do decide to part ways, you will not be readily forgotten and he will not be whole again, at least not for a good long while. I see it, plain as day."

"Yes, Ma'am. Thank you." Felicity said, placing her mug onto the tray just as Ingrid had done. There was one thing that still remained on her mind; a piece of the conversation that stuck out. She felt a little silly to bring it up, but Ingrid seemed to encourage forthright behavior. She decided to come out and ask. "I beg your pardon, Ma'am, if you could clear up one of my questions about our conversation?"

"Ask away." Ingrid seemed amused at Felicity's overuse of polite jargon.

"Why….," Felicity hesitated, making sure her voice would come out evenly, "why did you inquire as to whether or not Ben and I….experienced sexual love?"

Ingrid grinned widely. "Because I had a wish to know."

"Oh," was all that Felicity could muster. She knew that her mother also wondered about it, but never in a million years would Martha Merriman ever come out and directly ask.

Ingrid giggled, a sound that was so strange coming from such a respectable older woman. "Intimacy brings a new, deep angle to a relationship, and I wanted a little perspective into your relationship with my son. I see it as something that you two are missing, and I hope that you decide to explore that with him."

Felicity's face burned with embarrassment, as she ran Ingrid's words through her mind. Was the older woman serious? That it would be fine by her if Felicity was to go upstairs and just…. _what about_ …. "Ma'am, I do not want to get into trouble. It would not bode well for me at this time." She hoped that Ingrid would take her concerns seriously.

Ingrid nodded at her. "My daughter Sarah is a midwife, and it is common knowledge in those circles that women are unlikely to conceive if they make love within the week after their bloody cycle ends. It is not foolproof, of course, but if you were to find yourself with child, Felicity, I swear to you that you would find a home and comfort with us in Ben's absence." She stood up, and nodded to Felicity. "Take care, my dear, and please know that I hold on to hope that one day, I may call you daughter-in-law."

Felicity watched as Ingrid departed. The letter to Elizabeth had all been forgotten, and she found herself favoring a lie down instead. She made her way back up to her room, and her eyes went immediately to an object on her nightstand. It was her coral necklace, which she had worn since she was a girl. It had spent the previous year looped around Ben's wrist, but it had appeared back on her nightstand at some point within the last two weeks.

In turn she had removed his signal whistle and placed it over the doorknob to his bedroom, the entire exchange silent and complete. Now, she put a hand to her neck, wondering if she might see towards the possibility of getting it back.

…

 **A/N:**

1) The Centers of Diversity of crop plants is a beautiful theory, and while it wasn't documented until the mid-20th century, I'm sure some of the earlier botanical and historical records connected some of the dots.

2) I can't attest to the historical accuracy of this chapter in terms of the plight of Irish settlers and citizens.

3) It is 2018, and there are a wide variety of birth control options available that are way more effective than the rhythm method. The United States Center of Disease Control ( . ) is an excellent resource.

4) Ingrid Davidson seems almost like a fairy godmother to Felicity, but she has Ben's interests primarily in mind. She is also super inappropriate.


	23. Chapter 23

Ben put his signature on the bottom corner of the sheet of paper and waved his hand idly over it so that it might dry quickly, then slid it to the corner of his desk. And that, well, he supposed that was all that was needed for the day.

A quick glance at his watch revealed that it was only half-past two. There were no more inventory lists to check, no meetings to attend, no reports to write. He should have paced himself better, taken a longer midday break, perhaps been more social.

The lull in work was to be expected. It was now mid-March, and if the company had adhered to the original departure date of March 30, then the workload would be adequate. But with the new departure date set nearly two months later, there was simply not enough to do. Ben leaned back in his chair and cracked his knuckles, wondering over what he should do next.

He was quite aware that he didn't have to stay here; his salary was based on how adequately he performed his job, not just on the number of hours he was in his office. The other men advised him that there would be times when he would have to work all hours of the night, and times when there wasn't much to be done at all. Apparently, this was one of those times. Ben knew he shouldn't just call it a day, perhaps there would be someone or something that came up that might need his attention.

Perhaps just a quick walkabout through the center of town would be sufficient. He would leave his coat hanging on his chair to show that he would return. It was all well and good, as a few days of unseasonably warm weather hinted at an early return of spring. He made his way down the stairs, stopping by the mail counter as he noticed there was a new slip of paper in each mailbox. He pulled the folded paper out of the box assigned to him, and broke the seal to unfold it.

 _Dear Master Davidson,_

 _You are hereby invited to attend the 150_ _th_ _year celebration of the great Asiatic Company…._

It wasn't necessary to continue reading it, not at this time. He knew that it was happening. A fancy ball. And to attend a fancy ball, he would need someone on his arm. Ben folded the invitation back up and placed it back into his box as if he had never taken it out to begin with. He then headed out the double doors in the direction of the city square.

The sun was still high in the midday, and Ben instinctively lifted his face towards it, putting up a hand to shield his eyes. A chilly breeze blew past him, reminiscent of the winter that had just passed. He shivered and wondered for a moment if he might go back and retrieve his coat, but decided against it as the wind died down and the sun shone warm.

Ben could admit to himself that when it came to his midday walks, he was a creature of habit. Once he left his building, he would continue down Sixth Street past the State house and the library. There, he would turn down Market Street to the town bulletin, which lay at the intersection it shared with Front Street. He then would get a coffee or a roll if he felt like it, then continue on his way back to the office taking Cedar Street. The entire route would be about thirty minutes, a perfect amount of time for a break.

The streets were fairly busy, with the citizens of Philadelphia finding excuses to be out and about on the warmest day since before the onset of winter. It was as of late that Ben would welcome the distraction of the busy streets from his thoughts, which would often drift towards the subject of Felicity if they were not deeply controlled. But today, things seemed a little calmer within. He let the presence of everyone around him turn into a blur as he pitched himself deep into his thoughts. It had been the previous afternoon that he had received a letter from Felicity's mother, Martha Merriman. Mrs. Merriman had heard of his split with Felicity, and had implored then to speak. It had been less than ten minutes later that he had come across Felicity alone, working on what was likely to be a lesson plan for his niece. He had nearly lost his courage and simply bid her a good day, but the various maps she had scattered around her drew his interest. They then began to talk as they did, not with great familiarity, but almost as tentative friends.

Felicity had spoken at length about botany, but Ben saw through the interest in her voice to recognize the exhaustion in her eyes. In response, he had moved to comfort her, an instinct that had been hard-pressed into him since the two of them were young. He had told himself not to take offense that she had burned the story inspired by him, as he recognized it as her own, personal defeat. And finally, she had told him that she was thinking of leaving Philadelphia altogether.

This last thought threatened to ruin the calm façade that he so carefully bore. He skidded to a halt and brought himself back to the present. _If Felicity leaves, what then?_

 _Then, nothing. There would be nothing tying the two of you together. She would likely return to Williamsburg, and you would sail abroad, then either settle in Europe, or somewhere along the American coast. Wherever you find your best opportunities._

 _My best opportunities._ He repeated this phrase over and over in his head, trying to drum up a sense of anticipation at the very least.

 _With opportunity comes contentment. And, I suppose I will have to be happy with that._

He swallowed uncomfortably as another question, one of raw desperation, rolled through his mind.

 _Will I ever be happy?_

 _Maybe I was never destined to be happy on my own._

 _Maybe I will regret everything about this years down the line._

Ben strode on, his eyes cast downward as he linked his thoughts to the obvious connection. He had told himself that he would speak with Felicity about their relationship if, and only if she brought it up. Was this too rigid a rule?

 _I came to her first with a declaration of love, long ago, after a stupid barroom brawl. Let her come to me._

Ben knew this last thought was borne only out of pride, but it allowed him to draw down a collected mask around his emotions. He continued along his way, nearing the center square. The town bulletin drew into view, with its many flyers, newsletters, and personal messages pinned up. Among the people standing at it, there was a very familiar red cloak.

 _Damn it all._

It was true that they lived under the same roof, but their schedules were so wildly different that previously, they needed to plan accordingly to spend time with one another. And now that they were broken up? It seemed like he saw her everywhere.

He knew he could just turn around and continue on his walk. She had her back still turned to him, so there was no way that she could have known he was standing there. The thought crossed his mind, but something about it didn't seem right, almost cowardly. And he would not be a coward, not this time.

He approached her, noticing that she had taken a sheet of paper off of the board and was reading it closely. The hood of her cloak hung down her back, and her fiery red hair was tied in a loose braid with tendrils escaping and blowing around her head. He drew close enough to reach her, and resisted the urge to reach out and brush a few of them back. Instead, he cleared his throat, and she whipped around, startled.

"Ben?" She said, her lips forming an 'o', eyes darting beyond him and back to his face. Did she mean to escape?

"Felicity. Er, Did I startle you? I was out for a walk and saw you here. Thought to say hello." Ben said, bowing slightly to her. Her eyes darted beyond him again, and he began to regret approaching her. She was obviously less-than-comfortable in his presence.

He was about to take a step backwards and give her some space when she visibly relaxed, the corners of her mouth drawing up slightly. "Hello! I was just out to run a few errands. I did need some paper, then I figured I would take the long way since the weather is so nice out!" Her voice was strangely high-pitched, almost chirpy. It was clear that she was feigning happiness at seeing him.

Well, that was unfortunate, because he had swiftly changed his mind about giving her space. He stepped towards her, not enough to be menacing, but just enough. "The day indeed looked beautiful from outside my office window, so I figured I might take a walk as well."

"How is work going today?" Felicity asked, her eyes slightly wider than usual.

"Dull." Ben answered honestly. "With the delay of the ship's departure there just simply is not enough to do. I realized that I've been working far too quickly on my daily tasks, often finishing by the mid-day."

"That's quite unfortunate," Felicity said, rocking back on her heels, "Or at least I imagine it to be. I don't think I've ever been in a situation where there was simply nothing to do. I always had chores, watching my siblings…you know this quite well I imagine."

This was true. Felicity had always kept herself occupied with various chores both at home and in Mr. Merriman's store, she then had her hobbies, and Elizabeth, and the Physician, and finally, she had made time for him. He couldn't imagine an idle Felicity. Even now, he knew that he was wasting her time. He conceded, preparing to bid her good day and step out of the way when a thought occurred to him. Perhaps it was an excuse to say just one last thing to Felicity before he took his leave from what had been a very awkward encounter. "You know that William has a stack of paper in his office, it is no trouble to my brother-in-law if you were to take some."

Instead of replying, Felicity's entire demeanor changing from avoidant, to lost in thought, to finally, the corners of mouth twitching upwards with genuine amusement. She clapped a hand in front of her mouth. "Oh!" She cried, between giggles, her face flushed red, "how could I have forgotten?"

Ben was confused. "I beg pardon? Forgotten what?"

"I was on my way to look for paper," Felicity had just admitted that she knew of William's paper stash, "When your mother summoned me. We had the most interesting conversation."

"Beg pardon?" Ben repeated, "You spoke with my mother?"

"Oh yes." Felicity said, almost smirking at him.

"Oh no." Ben felt the blood rush away from his face as he realized that his mother had actually gone ahead with her threat to speak to Felicity on his behalf. "What did she say?"

 _Do I actually wish to know?_

Felicity shrugged, her eyes shining with merriment. Normally Ben would have delighted her expression, but now he only felt impending horror at what his mother would have said. He closed his eyes, telling himself it couldn't have been all bad. He knew that his mother had a tendency to be rather inappropriate. He considered himself lucky hadn't been on the receiving end of the worst of it, according to his sisters. He opened his eyes, realizing that Felicity had woven past him and was on her way down the street.

"Lissie, wait!" He called out instinctively, forgetting that he was not in the position of calling her by her affectionate name. He easily caught up to her. "Where are you going? Still to the general store?"

"I suppose not anymore. I had an impulse to go to the patisserie." Felicity said, not turning to look at him.

Despite the fact that she had just turned and marched away from him, she didn't look angry. "I like the patisserie." He said, trailing after her. In the back of his mind, he knew that she had drawn him in once again, and this would always be a constant in his life.

 _Have a bit of self-control. She had no intention of going with you, and you have not asked to join her. Stop being foolish, and go back to work._

He slowed down and stopped completely, watching her as she continued on her way. Did she notice that he was no longer with her? Would she care?

All sadness aside, to say this was terribly confusing was an understatement.

He watched on as Felicity slowed, looking behind her. As she saw that he was no longer there, she stopped and turned, surveying the street. Ben felt encouraged by the concerned expression on her face as she searched.

Finally she spotted him. "Well, are you coming?" She called out, hands on her hips.

Ben allowed himself to smile as he again walked towards her. At some level, she wanted to be with him too.

The patisserie was small shop with colorful awning and a large window to show off the various cakes, creams, and pastries that were created within. Felicity stopped just short of the door and peered into the window at the selection, before focusing on one of the varieties. "That's the one I wanted." She murmured, then hurrying inside before Ben could jump forward to get the door for her.

The pastry that Felicity had in mind was an almond cream sandwich, held together thin wafer-like cookies and served with cherry preserves. The baker served it up, and Ben stepped forward. "I'll get one of the same, please, and I'll be paying for the both of them." He looked back at Felicity, who hesitated, then gave an appreciative nod.

As soon they sat down, Ben re-focused on his major area of concern. "So what exactly did my mother say?"

Felicity discarded her fork, choosing to pick her pastry up and take a bite, then licked the cream off her fingers. A thoughtful expression passed over her face. "It was a talk that was more of a women's concern. I'm not sure you really want or need to know the whole of it. Did you know that she was going to do such a thing?"

"She mentioned to me that she was thinking on it." Ben replied. Perhaps it was as his sisters had warned him through the years. "Maybe you are right; I do not want to know all that she said. But, I suppose, I'd like to know what exactly she said about me. I regret I am a little embarrassed at having my mother speak on my behalf."

"She made a case for why we should continue with our engagement." A blush appeared on her face as she spoke slowly, "She sees our years of friendship and told me that they were not to be thrown away so readily. It was compared to how she married your father quite hastily, and their first years of marriage were rather difficult."

Ben nodded. "This is something that I have understood."

Felicity continued. "Her words gave me some pause, I admit." She looked as though she wanted to say more, but decided against it and focused on her pastry once again.

Ben watched her, wondering what exactly she was thinking. _Tell me what you want, Felicity. Do you want to re-think calling our engagement off?_

 _Do I want that?_

As much as Ben was now ready to admit that he wanted her back, a part of him still hesitated. The memory of her telling him it was over plagued him.

Felicity did not speak up again, and an awkward silence washed over the two of them. Ben looked down at his pastry, which he had yet to touch. It was strange at how the silences between them were never awkward before, but now? He needed to fill the void. "Just as my mother spoke to you, I also received a letter from your mother on your behalf."

Felicity had taken a bite of her pastry, and covered her mouth as she asked, "Really?"

Ben nodded, and Felicity's brow furrowed. "'Tis surprising. I figured she grew weary of directing my life. So now I am curious. What did it say?" She asked.

Ben recounted the letter. "She was dismayed to hear that we had split, and asked if there was anything that could be done. She made it clear throughout that she was speaking on behalf of your father, as well." He knew Mrs. Merriman often drew Felicity's ire, but she had a kinder bond with Mr. Merriman.

Indeed, Felicity's expression softened as Ben mentioned her father. "If anything could be done? Did she put forth any suggestions?"

"Well," Ben hadn't planned on mentioning it, but here it was. "They offered to host the two of us, and my parents as well. That way, we all could speak in person. Keep in mind, your parents believe that I am still in Yorktown."

Felicity nodded, falling silent again. Ben felt himself unexpectedly growing nervous. If Felicity were to shrug this off, then he knew that they were truly over.

Felicity gave him a soft smile. "Perhaps…perhaps something could be arranged like that."

"You would be in favor?" Ben asked, the anxiety that he felt in his chest loosening up.

Felicity looked skyward, deep in thought. "I think it would be a fine idea. Yes, I would like to have a conversation." She focused on Ben. "Of course, you would need to agree to it as well."

Ben nodded. "Yes, I agree. I would like that," he replied quietly.

Felicity then grinned broadly at him, with a smile he had not seen since before they had broken it off. He smiled in return, feeling tears prickle his eyes. He blinked them away, torn between hoping that Felicity did not notice his weakness, and at the same time, wanting her to see it.

If she did, she did not say so. Instead, she chuckled. "I have finished with my pastry, while you have yet to touch yours. It makes me feel as a glutton."

Ben looked down at his plate. The tension that hung in the air had dissipated completely, and he eagerly dug in, knowing that Felicity's words had made it taste even sweeter.

Felicity watched him for a few moments, the silence that now settled over the two of them comfortable instead of awkward. She then spoke up. "Your mother did have a specific piece of advice for us."

Ben looked up, chewing on a bite of pastry. "Oh? And what was that?" He asked, putting a hand in front of his mouth.

"Well," Felicity started, a blush spreading to her cheeks, "She advised for us to make love."

Ben practically choked on his pastry. "She said what?"

"Was there a word you did not understand?" Felicity asked innocently. "She said that it would strengthen our bond. I think she was legitimately surprised that we had not already."

Ben shook his head. Of course his mother would say something like that. "No, no no….how truly embarrassing." Was all he could manage.

"So, no?" Felicity's expression was all sweetness and innocent light, "You do not wish for us to make love?"

"No, no!" Ben sputtered, "Tis not what I meant. I absolutely do want us to and have for a long time…you know, if you wish to." Her teasing, coupled with the fact that he, a grown man, was suddenly having trouble speaking of sexual love was probably the worst thing to happen to him in recent memory.

Felicity started laughing. "A long time now, you say?"

Ben pushed his plate away and put his head into his arms, burying his face in a mockery of himself. Despite his embarrassment, he felt a deep sense lightness at seeing her so happy again, towards him. This walk about and conversation had a much better outcome than he had ever thought possible, and he was grateful that he had come across her. But, he knew he had to be heading back to work.

It was as if she read his mind. "You probably need to head back, lest they believe you have just up and left for the day."

"Aye," Ben replied. "Thank you for speaking with me. I just," he searched for the words, "I hope that we can come to an understanding, and continue as before." As soon as the words left his mouth, he knew there was some truth to them. Felicity had agreed to talk about a reconciliation, the engagement was still up in the air. Wasn't that the truth of it? He fixed his gaze back upon her, and searched her face. She watched him, an amicable smile fixed upon him. He wanted to ask, but figured to leave it as is. This was a step they both needed to get past the ugliness of the last few weeks.

He bid her goodbye and walked back to the headquarters of the Asiatic company, feeling light as air. Once inside, he pulled the invitation out of his mailbox, this time assessing it with a blossom of hope in his chest. The 150th anniversary of the Asiatic Company was going to be a spectacular party, and Ben knew that it was likely that he would, like any proper gentleman at his level of profession, be there with someone on his arm.

…..

Despite the preparations that went into it, Samuel Davidson's 60th birthday party seemed on the surface to be a low-key affair. Anna and William had hired the chefs from the popular Maple Oak restaurant and inn to prepare a meal, and a small handful of friends and neighbors came to celebrate. Siobhan had rallied the children to gather early spring flowers to decorate the dining room and parlor. To Felicity's delight, Lacey took it upon herself to guess the flowers they would see, their identifications, and botanical classifications.

Felicity herself stood on hand to help wherever necessary. She planned out a decoration scheme for the parlor and helped the children hang the floral garlands high, lingered in the kitchen and picked up a few tips for making pastry dough, and sat with Ingrid and Samuel to read quietly while preparations were underway. A few times throughout the day she would encounter Ben, who was in and out along with his brother-in-law fetching any extra items needed for the party. They would for the most part, smile and exchange a knowing glance at one another as they passed, almost reminiscent of the beginnings of their early, secret relationship.

When everything was nearly all settled, Felicity passed by the study on her way to her room. She took a glance inside, and saw Anna, William, and Ben speaking in low voices. She put her head down and kept walking, a habitual reaction that she had picked up in her last few weeks of relative solitude.

As she neared the stairwell, she heard a hushed voice call out. "Felicity, wait!"

She turned and saw Ben hanging out of the doorway. "Come and sit with us for a moment, will you?" He beckoned to her.

Felicity hesitated for a moment, then backtracked and walked in his direction. She was comfortable enough sitting with Ben by now, but she still had an overly formal relationship with Anna and by default, William.

Sure enough, she saw Anna and William exchange a glance as she entered, but Ben seemed to not have noticed. "Do you want some of this?" He asked, waving a bottle at her.

Felicity flicked her eyes at Anna and then back to Ben. "Yes, I will, thank you," she said, decidedly. "What is it?"

"French champagne." Ben grinned. "'Tis for the party, of course, but I think we could spare one of the bottles for now." He grabbed a glass from one of the shelves and poured some for her.

"Just a bit! I don't need that much!" Felicity implored him as he poured nearly a full glass for her.

Ben shrugged. "Just drink what you can." He handed her the glass, then raised his own. "Cheers."

"Cheers," replied Felicity, taking the glass. Anna and William echoed them, and they all drank.

It was really good. Felicity made a mental note to not drink the entire amount, lest Anna and William would take note. In their sight, she was always on her best behavior.

The group all fell into silence. Felicity remembered that they had been talking amongst themselves prior to her arrival, so she implored them to speak again. "You were, the three of you, actively engaged in conversation before I joined you, so don't let me presence keep you from continuing with it." She said boldly.

Anna finally cracked a thin smile. "We were just discussing the history of Father's birthday parties."

"As well as the lack thereof." Ben added.

Anna explained, "Ben does not remember the real history of it, but celebrating Father's birthday is more of a recent notion. Mother would always try to throw a party for him, but my sisters and I, being quite young, would always happen to destroy it."

Felicity took a sip of her champagne. "Destroy it?"

"Destroy might be a dramatic term to use for our actions, but it was always the result. No matter how much Mother or the servants tried to prevent it, my sisters and I would always get into some sort of fight, or ruin a table of food, or throw decorations at one another….it was a regrettable mess." Anna gave a half-smile and shook her head.

"It came to be like a tradition, that is what I've been led to believe." Ben said.

"Mother soon realized that it would happen, without fail. So she and my father decided that there would be no more birthday parties, at least for a few years until my sisters and I became a little older." Anna said.

"But that did not work either, did it?" William asked. It was not a question.

Anna laughed lightly. "I had nothing to do with the more recent disaster, but I was there. I was thirteen, and my sisters Sarah and Charlotte were fifteen and sixteen, and they got into a fight over some boy that Charlotte had designs on but Sarah kissed. It was a massive row that ended with Charlotte throwing a wineglass at Sarah and cutting her pretty badly, right in the middle of the party. Mother was not pleased. It had been the first party held in a great number of years, and the last that we all had together as a family."

Felicity burst into laughter, and turned towards Ben. He put his hands up. "I had yet to start wearing breeches, so obviously I had nothing to do with this." He said, before casting a suspicious look upon Anna. "You claim innocence, Dear Sister, but _someone_ had to have notified poor Charlotte that Sarah had stolen the boy of her dreams." Anna gave a nonchalant shrug.

"So your father has yet to have a successful birthday party? Shall I be expecting any sort of disaster tonight?" Felicity asked.

"Mr. Davidson has had successful birthday parties, but the solution, as we say, is if only one of the Davidson sisters are present." William explained. "And they have a sense of obligation to make the party as good as they can. Hence the hired chefs and all the other details."

"But there is still a worry that things might go wrong, which is why my dear sister was interrogating me." Ben rolled his eyes.

Felicity frowned slightly. _They didn't think that….would they?_

Ben continued. "I told them not to worry about us. If we hadn't a shouting match by now, then I don't think it will happen."

Felicity nodded in agreement, still feeling taken back. First of all, she and Ben had gone through great lengths to be civil to one another, and most importantly, hadn't the two of them decided to reconcile just the previous day? Had she misunderstood the conversation that they had while sitting at the patisserie? She felt disheartened. _Maybe it would be best to skip the party altogether._

"Also….," Ben dragged out the word for dramatic effect, "'twas lucky that we caught Felicity passing by just now, because I wanted to tell the both of you that we have reconciled and 'tis best that she be here to confirm it." He nodded towards Felicity, who felt her spirits lift dramatically.

Until, that is, she caught Anna and William's rather underwhelmed expressions. "Oh, why, that is fantastic." Anna said, lifting her glass to her lips. William nodded in kind. "Congratulations."

If Ben noticed it, he waved it off. "So there is nothing to be concerned about." He tipped his champagne glass back and finished the rest of it, then set it back down on the table.

Felicity wanted to be as flippant as Ben was and finish hers off in kind, but she still felt a sense of subservience to Anna. Also, she still had a half-glass of the stuff remaining and doubted her ability to just gulp it down like Ben could.

As always, Ben had her back. "Had enough?" He asked.

"Yes, I think so." Felicity said. "'Tis quite fine, but as I guessed earlier, I cannot have more than half a glass before dinner!"

Ben took the glass from her, and easily finished it off.

Anna kept an even smile on her face as she stood up. "Well, 'tis about time to ready myself before guests start arriving." She made her way to the door, and Felicity stood up and stepped out of the way. At the doorframe, she turned back around to address both Ben and Felicity. "And I mean it when I say that the reconciliation between the two of you is fantastic news. I am happy for both of you."

Felicity nodded thankfully, wanting to take her words at face value.

…

Contrary to tradition, Samuel Davidson's party was going quite well. Ben sat at the expanded dinner table with an assortment of guests, most being Anna and William's friends and neighbors. The hired chefs had prepared a multi-course dinner that featured various breads, cheeses and fruits, followed by a Shepard's pie, which ranked upwards in terms of fantastic foods he had eaten in his lifetime. The main course was a mixed plate of turkey and venison with baked squash, seasoned with rosemary and sage.

Felicity sat on his left side as was usual. Her presence so close to him had been taxing on him these past few weeks, but now, he felt much more relaxed, making it easier to keep a pleasant disposition. His happiness at the tentative reconciliation also helped to boost his spirits.

Perhaps he was still a bit out of practice at their non-verbal communication, or perhaps she was. But, things were not quite back to what they used to be. There were instances in which he would sense that she was watching him, but when he turned, she would either have her gaze fixed forward, or be involved in a conversation with someone else. He would steal glances at her right hand, in case she were to rest it upon her lap, but she held fast onto her fork.

Ben now felt slightly deflated. He had seen the look on his sister's face when he announced his reconciliation with Felicity, and heard the hesitation in her voice. He wasn't affected by it, but perhaps Felicity was. He made up his mind to speak with her on the matter later on.

The servers hired for the day had come out with trays of port wine, and were making their way around the table. Additional servers came out from the kitchen, holding trays of cake. They stood on the sidelines, waiting for their cue to enter. It was time for the toast. Ben braced himself for an overly-flowery speech by his mother, hoping that she had the courtesy not to say anything embarrassing. He loved her of course, but the woman had no filter, as seen by her recent conversation with Felicity.

His brother-in-law coxed everyone into falling silent with a few clings to his wineglass, and Ben was surprised to see his father standing, instead.

Samuel Davidson addressed the crowd. "Thank you all from the bottom of my heart for coming and sharing the celebration of my birthday with me. I have the great fortune of knowing what sixty years' old feels like, and I can assure you, there are some changes to behold."

This line caught a few snickers, and his father continued, looking skyward at the next lines. "Now, I ask myself how to make this a gracious enough speech, without sounding a braggart? 'Tis a daunting task for sure."

Ben smiled at this, and instinctively glanced at Felicity. She watched his father with rapt attention, and if she noticed him, she did not show it. He quickly put his attention back on his father, a blush moving across his face. "-, have been blessed with a long and happy life thus far with the love of my life, my beautiful Ingrid. We have celebrated forty years of marriage together, and been blessed with five children and ten beautiful grandchildren-,"

He was cut off by Ingrid's elbow, followed by her whispering in his ear. "Ahem," he corrected himself. "Eleven grandchildren. The count thus far is eleven." This was followed by more laughter. He grinned and continued, "I had better wrap this up before I find myself into trouble. Anyways, the message that I truly want to get across is that I have had so many wonderful things in my life, I have been left wanting for nothing. How did I come to be so lucky? My only hope is that my children all have the same fortunes that I have had. If I could transfer my surplus happiness upon them, I would."

Ben inwardly groaned at the awkward analogy. Only his merchant father would try to quantify an emotion as a surplus. He forced himself to continue listening. "-, My advice to everyone at the table is that each and every one of you must identify what, or who, makes you happy. And then devote your life to it. I have lived by this guideline for many years, and it has never let me down. And-," he gave a nervous glance around the table. "I figure I had better quit while I am ahead." He abruptly sat back down and picked up his glass.

Everyone echoed his movement, and his mother led the cheer. "To Sam!"

The guests all echoed the cheer. "To Sam!" Ben held up his glass like everyone else, and took a swig. He instinctively glanced towards Felicity again. This time, she was watching him, a shy smile spreading across her face. He smiled back at her and held out his hand. There was a moment in which she stayed still, almost frozen and he thought to rescind the offer. Then, she took his hand and gave it a squeeze. He saw that a blush had spread across her face, and her smile turned genuine, eyes sparkling with happiness.

At this moment, Ben could feel it, that they had finally broken through some sort of barrier that had been built up between them. The doubt that sat in his mind over her had now completely dissipated, and he could say with all of his fortitudes that he needed her back.

….

The party had shifted from the dining room to the parlor as the evening wore on. Felicity spent the evening lightly chatting with everyone there, many of which she recognized from the Spencers' New Years' party. Back then, she had been introduced and regarded as Ben's future fiancée and budding author, but now she recognized a polite detachment, which she guessed was due to her demotion of sorts to the household governess.

Felicity came to this conclusion with a feeling of complete indifference. She felt no ill will towards the other guests; many of which she knew to be fine people who didn't quite know what to make of the complicated relationship she had with the family. She wondered if the husbands and wives had asked each other how exactly to address her, imagining how these conversations had played out. There was one individual that she was pleased had not attended, this was Mr. Cornish at the publisher's office. She had not been in to see him, nor had sent him an update since before her and Ben had split. She had come to terms with the failure of her previous manuscript and would be starting afresh. But she had yet to tell Mr. Cornish this. She made a note to herself to gather her courage, and go to see him early come Monday.

If there was one thing that she had learned through the last few weeks, it was that she had been in over her head. Despite the fact that her manuscript had been based heavily on her own thoughts and experiences with Ben, it had been so much more complicated than she would have guessed. Especially these last few days with their increasing friendliness and now their tentative reconciliation, how would she begin to put this into words?

Perhaps this was a manuscript that would be written years down the line, when she had enough wisdom and experience to take an objective look at these memories.

She sensed a presence behind her, so familiar that she didn't need to turn around to know who it was. "Ben." She simply said, feeling the corners of her mouth twitch into a smile.

"How did you know it was me?" His voice was unmistakable, and she turned around to face him.

"I'm a clairvoyant. Didn't you know this?" She smiled openly at him, and he laughed. "I suppose I had better watch out then."

Felicity studied his face, noting that was the first time she had seen in laugh since long before their split. She picked up on the lightness that he carried, and it lifted her above her pensive thoughts.

"Are you enjoying the party?" He asked.

Felicity considered this. "Yes, I suppose I am. What a nice way to celebrate your father! And would it be safe to say that it has gone off without any major catastrophe!"

Ben gave a sideways look, "Except that terribly awkward speech, perhaps."

"Beg pardon?" Felicity grinned, "I loved that speech! Your father is such a dear!" She didn't want to say it out loud, but she saw where Ben had inherited his familiar dispositions from.

"Really, Lissie? A surplus of happiness?" Ben looked at her incredulously.

"Come now," Felicity fixed him with a sincere gaze, "The awkwardness aside, I saw in your father's eyes the message that he wanted to portray to everyone." She didn't say out loud, but she recognized that the final message had been especially directed towards her and Ben, that they needed to cast aside their pride, and focus on the love that existed between them.

"I suppose you're right." Ben sighed.

A bit of silence followed, and it was not awkward at all. She was content to stand next to Ben, surveying the happy scenes in front of them.

She was about to reach over and take his hand, when he spoke up. A blush had formed over his face, and it seemed like it took a moment for his eyes to meet hers. "Lissie," he asked, "I know that things still remain a little uncertain between the two of us-,"

 _Do they?_ Thought Felicity, keeping a pleasant smile fixed to her face.

Ben continued, "But if I may, I would like to ask you of something. You see, there is a celebration to mark the one hundred and fiftieth year anniversary of my company. It will be a fancy affair, and I was hoping that I might escort you." His words may had started off full of shyness, but as he spoke, his voice and manner turned bold. It was as if he remembered his father's advice to cast aside all pretense, and focus on happiness.

Felicity grinned and reached out to take Ben's hand, which he squeezed in return. "I would be delighted to."

….

Author's notes:

1) I had a few more scenes I wanted to write to finish out this chapter, but based on the amount of time that has passed since my last update, I think I will call this part one. Summers tend to be really busy at my work, and this year is no exception.

2) I hope I was able to adequately capture Felicity's nervous, manic energy in the first scene. She is drawn to Ben, and is terrified him at the same time.

3) It was my full intention to give Samuel Davidson a beautiful, elegant speech that would touch everyone, including Ben. But try as I might, it would always come out really awkward. So, I just decided to roll with it.


	24. Chapter 24

Felicity pulled her red wool cloak tighter around herself as she strode towards the entrance to the publisher's building. The heavy article of clothing had been meant to be retired in the weeks' past as the warm springtime weather had now set in, but she took comfort in the familiar weight of it. Perhaps once this task was done, she would set it deep within the closet until the next wintertime.

She entered the heavy double doors, and approached the assistant clerk. "Miss Felicity Merriman, here to see Mr. James Cornish." She said, making sure to dip into a slight curtsey.

"Miss Merriman." The clerk repeated, opening up what looked to be an appointment book and flipping through the pages in search of her name.

"Beg pardon, Sir, I do not have an appointment. I just need but a few minutes of his time. I would be happy to wait," Felicity said. The clerk sighed impatiently and she knew that it was on the tip of his tongue to remind her that Mr. Cornish was a very busy man and rebuke her for coming in without an appointment. She placed her hands on the desk and leaned forward, looking the man in the eyes. "Please Sir, just a few minutes. I have an active contract here, you can look my name up on the roster. Like I said, I would be happy to wait."

The clerk stared back at her for a few moments. She did not readily recognize him from the few times she had visited the office, and figured he must be new. He looked to be about the same age as her father, but with a thick head of white hair that was most surely a wig. His plain brown eyes searched her face before pulling out a second book and opening it up. "What did you say your name was, Miss?"

"Felicity Merriman." Felicity repeated, realizing that he was looking for her contract. She felt a few beads of sweat appear on her forehead, and stealthily shifted her cloak about her shoulders to relieve some of the heat that had built up as the clerk flipped through page after page. In the back of her mind, she wondered if Mr. Cornish had opted to destroy the contract due to her failure to uphold the delivery of a successful second manuscript by the end of January.

Finally, the clerk came to a sheet that made him look twice as he adjusted his spectacles. "Ah, so you are indeed one of ours, Miss Felicity Merriman." He glanced up, working his face into a thin smile. "I'll inquire as to if Mr. Cornish is able to see you, but I have no guarantees."

"Thank you Sir." Felicity said as the clerk stood up and made his way up the banister to the second floor. Her eyes drifted beyond the clerk's desk to the large room that lay beyond another set of double doors, where a dozen or so men and boys worked to piece together stories for printing. She knew that her first, successful story was somewhere in there, getting ready for its widespread public debut. Perhaps if all had gone well, her second story would have been in the hands of an editor and well on its way. But, that was not to be. Her second story had been borne of ill assumptions and hubris, floundering its way onto Mr. Cornish's desk. Felicity inwardly cringed as she remembered the passages that she had once been so proud of, now with the realization of how shallow the piece actually was.

 _Whether or not Ben and I ever make it to the altar, the manuscript did not do us justice,_ she thought, idly running her fingers over the decorative grooves at the edge of the desk. _It was better off reduced to ash._

She then looked up with a start, realizing she had stumbled upon quite the literary cliché. _And by ash, we will rise again_.

The clerk reappeared at the top of the stairs, emerging from the handsome double doors that led to Mr. Cornish's office. "Miss Merriman," he spoke as he descended the stairs, "Mr. Cornish has a few minutes for you, but just a few. So please try to make it quick."

"Thank you Sir." Felicity instinctively gave a quick curtsey. She passed the clerk and made her way up the stairs, with a focus on keeping her breath steady. There was a coat tree just outside of the double doors and she thought for a moment to hang her woolen cloak on it, but that would have been far too familiar of an act. She knocked on the door, hoping that Mr. Cornish would not notice how sweaty she was.

A familiar, yet terrifying voice called out from within. "Come in!"

She cracked open the door, threading her fingers through and pushed it open, revealing herself.

"Miss Merriman! A real pleasure to see you. Come, sit down." He stood up and gestured to the chair that sat in front of his desk. She did so, making sure to sit up straight, folding her hands in her lap. He peered a bit more closely at her, a look of concern passing over his face. "My dear, you look a bit flushed. Are you quite all right? Shall I take your cloak?"

 _Damn it all_ , thought Felicity. "No, thank you Sir, I will be but just a moment here. I do not wish to take up your time."

"'Tis no problem at all." Mr. Cornish sat down and removed his spectacles. "Now, what can I do for you?"

"Well, I wanted to apologize for my severe and continuing delays in getting to you my revised second manuscript." Felicity said, her gaze now dropping to her lap. "I regret to say that I could not find a way to improve upon it, and so I find myself beginning all over again. I fully understand if you wish to terminate my contract, for it is clear that I have not been able to complete my end of it."

She took a breath and risked a glance up, seeing that Mr. Cornish did not look angry, nor even disappointed. "My dear Miss Merriman," he began, "You did fulfil the terms of you contract and gave me a second manuscript. It was me that gave it right back to you. I do regret that you have decided it is irredeemable; perhaps you could bring what you have by and we could look at it together?"

"I-," she paused, not exactly knowing what to say, and deciding the truth would be best. "I burned it," her voice came out practically a whisper.

"Oh, well, that decides it then." Mr. Cornish gave a slight chuckle. "I knew that I should never have doubted your passionate nature! So you have no choice now but to begin again. Might I advise to you in the future, never destroy your writing. Put it in the deepest part of your desk, perhaps in the bottom drawer, but do not destroy it. Our old writing can be a good source of words or inspiration sometime in the future, and a metric for the progress that we have made."

"Aye, sir. Thank you for the advice. It makes perfect sense." Felicity said, not a single ounce of her being feeling regret at feeding it into the flames. _It needed to die._

"So I must now ask." Mr. Cornish said, "What is your timeline at this point? Do you have an outline for your new story?"

"I heartily beg your forgiveness, Sir, but I do not even have a subject. Every time I think I've come up with a new idea, it is gone." Felicity was feeling a bit better as it seemed like Mr. Cornish was not angry with her, but she knew she had to have been severely disappointing him with this last admission. She let her gaze drop to her lap again.

Mr. Cornish sighed. "You know, Miss Merriman, this often does happen with writers. Multiple years go by between novels. The writing process cannot be rushed, so all you think you can do is to hope that whatever spark you felt before comes around back to you. I want to advise you that is not the case, and if you wish to be active, you must not sit around, being distracted by life. You need to take whatever that idea is, and get it down on paper. Create a reality, a life, and tell a story of that life. Tell, me, what within a life is most worth writing about?"

Felicity tilted her head in preparation to think of an answer, and Mr. Cornish startled her by snapping his fingers. "Don't think about it, just say what comes to mind. Say it, now!"

"Everything." Felicity stated automatically.

"Everything?" Mr. Cornish raised his eyebrows. "That is quite ambitious! Now you may think about why you answered the way that you did." He nodded towards her encouragingly.

Felicity wasn't quite sure if he meant for her to actually carry this exercise out right at this moment, but now she was fully engaged. "Not the entirety from birth to death, but the whole of our interactions with loved ones, and how they change us as a person, and change the people around us." She had fully expected to fixate on Ben, so it was strange that Elizabeth popped into her mind. She blinked, surprised at this outcome.

Mr. Cornish nodded. "Very intriguing. You must write down exactly what you said to me. Here." He pulled out a sheet of paper, and turned a quill set towards her. Write it down, and be hasty about it so that it does not escape you."

Felicity reached forward and did as he said, writing down a single sentence.

 _How the people in our lives change who we are._

She then wrote a single name. _Elizabeth._

"All right." Mr. Cornish glanced down. "I feel that you can sufficiently expand on this. Now I have one more question for you."

"Please ask, Sir." Felicity said.

"Based on the destruction of your previous manuscript, I fear that the environment you are in is not conducive to your writing. Might I be so bold as to ask if your surroundings will change?" He asked, leaning forwards.

"They may." Felicity said slowly. This was of course not a set plan, but she decided to speak about it openly. "Sir, it looks like I will be taking a trip to my home city of Williamsburg very soon, for the purpose of setting an engagement with my longtime beau. I found that traveling really stroked my creative thoughts, and seeing my childhood friend, once again will help bring things together for me." She smiled at the thought of it.

She expected Mr. Cornish to give his nod of approval as most folks did when there was discussion of a wedding, but he seemed to hesitate, his expression turning disappointed. She instinctively spoke up. "Is something the matter, Sir?"

Mr. Cornish tapped his fingers for a moment. "Now, how can I be delicate about this?" He cleared his throat and looked back up at her. "First and foremost, I wish to offer my sincere congratulations on your upcoming engagement. You are to marry the brother of Mrs. Anna Spencer, am I correct?"

Felicity felt a little uneasy at his continued hesitation. "Yes, I am. Benjamin Davidson is his name. He worked as an apprentice for my father and we have known each other for a good many years."

"A good many years, hm? But how does he feel about your writing?" Mr. Cornish asked.

"He is proud of me, and actively encourages it. Why, he has given me many words of encouragement these past few weeks." Felicity said, pride growing in her voice.

Mr. Cornish seemed to relax. "Good. That is most excellent to hear at the very least. There is a pattern with many women authors; they are so active when young, then they always seem to forget their calling and lose all of their ambition when they marry. I know that for many women, the root of the problem is that the husbands do not approve. I find comfort in the fact that your fellow is encouraging, but still, I know from past examples to be wary that you will follow in the same path."

"I can assure you that I will not be following in that path." Felicity defended herself. She knew exactly what Mr. Cornish was speaking of, how men would actively discourage their wives from doing, well, _anything_ besides caring for the home and children. In the back of her mind, she knew that Joseph would have discouraged her, and she thanked her lucky stars that their union never was. And Ben, she knew that he would never discourage her from doing what she loved. If that were the case, then there is no way that they would marry.

Mr. Cornish put his hands up as if to placate her. "All right, I trust you Miss Merriman."

Felicity realized she had put on a rather severe expression, and softened her face. "Perhaps you might find comfort in the fact that we will not actually marry for another year and a half at the earliest; he is sailing abroad for his company in a few months' time and the actual marriage will be delayed until then." It was also on the tip of her tongue to say that she and Ben had not actually made any of these concrete plans, so nothing was certain. Her aim was to placate Mr. Cornish, and make him see that his fears were unfounded.

Surprisingly, Mr. Cornish frowned slightly. "Only a year and a half? That is not a whole lot time. It will go by quickly, so I hope you are not completely banking on that being sufficient."

Felicity had to smile at this. It was like Ingrid said, that a year and a half would go by quickly. Perhaps she needed to trust the wisdom that they had gained with their older ages. She spoke up, her voice clear and resolute. "I assure you, Mr. Cornish, that my engagement and marriage will not have any ill effects on my writing, for my writing is now a part of me, and I will always have it in my life." She glanced at the clock, noting that she had been there for nearly ten minutes. "I feel I shouldn't take up too much more of your time. I want to thank you for putting me at ease, and guiding me in the correct direction for beginning my new manuscript."

Mr. Cornish seemed to finally accept her words, his face relaxing into a smile. "Alright, Miss Merriman. I look forward to what you will come up with in your new story. As always, feel free to stop by if you need any assistance whatsoever. And while it would have been nice to have your story in for copy editing by now, the only thing that would be in breach of the contract is if you were to start with another publisher. So stay true to us, and you are fine."

"Aye Sir, of course." Felicity stood up, feeling cheered by their conversation. She knew that she was entirely wrong about her earlier misgivings; Mr. Cornish had shown himself to be a fantastic mentor.

As she turned to leave, Mr. Cornish spoke up. "Oh, just one more thing, Miss Merriman. I gave an early draft of your first manuscript to a distributer in the south, and he was most impressed by it! He ordered nearly a thousand copies to be sold throughout Virginia and the Carolinas!"

Felicity blinked as the realization of what Mr. Cornish had told her. "Are you speaking in jest, Sir?" She asked, knowing that it would break her heart if he was.

Mr. Cornish shook his head. "Set to deliver by June 15th!"

Felicity dipped in a hasty curtsey, "Oh, thank you Sir! That is wonderful news…and…," she trailed off as she realized the implications of it. _A thousand people, reading my book_. "…and terrifying!" She clapped a hand over her mouth as she realized she had made her full thoughts vocal.

"They will love it. You will see." Mr. Cornish said.

There was a quick rap on the doorframe, and Felicity whirled around to see the clerk standing there. "Sir,", he said, "Your eleven o'clock is here. Mr. Abbott."

"Send him up." Mr. Cornish said. He turned towards Felicity, and spoke in the same, good-natured tone he had used since her arrival that day, "Is there anything else I can do for you, Miss Merriman?"

"No Sir, thank you so much for your continued understanding, and putting me at ease, and promoting my work...," she let herself trail off and dipped into a final curtsey before commanding herself to actually leave. "Have a good day, Sir!"

"Good day to you too, Miss Merriman." He called back, and she took her leave, bounding down the stairs ahead of the clerk in what was obviously not a ladylike fashion.

At the bottom of the stairs, there was a young man holding a stack of papers and wearing a mask of raw nervousness. She grinned at him as she passed, whispering a simple, "Good luck."

He turned towards her, his mouth fumbling to form a response and cheeks flushing from his failure to do so. She turned at the door and watched him for a moment as he visibly corrected himself and responded in an even fashion. "Thank you, Miss."

She strode out the double doors into the street, finally feeling able to remove her cloak. The springtime breeze blew past her, feeling delightfully cool as it brushed past her sweat-plastered hair and damp bodice. There was a lightness inside of her that felt so refreshing that she needed to stop and think about why she felt so wonderful. _I still don't have a manuscript to give Mr. Cornish. In fact, right now I am the furthest as one could be from that._

She reached deeper within herself to find the true source of her happiness, but didn't need to look far.

 _A year and a half. Ingrid and Mr. Cornish were right. 'Tis not long, after all._

….

Ben signed his name to the final sheet that had passed by his desk, then shifted it to the corner of his desk. It was only eleven in the morning, and he did not have any more tasks that needed to be done. Normally, he would have leaned back in his chair with a bored sigh and contemplating a trip to the bakery, but today was going to be different. He opened up his appointment book to take note that there were no meetings for the next two weeks, and no project deadlines until, well, at least none for the known future. In fact, the only day that necessitated his presence was the day that the Grev Moltke set sail for Europe.

He stood up and gathered his appointment book under one arm as evidence for the request that he was about to make, and made his way downstairs to the main hallway. This was where all of the company officials worked, each man having a large office to themselves with a large window to the outside street. Ben knew that his position within the company commanded enough respect such that he would not need to check in with a clerk or make an appointment, but it still felt a bit strange to just be dropping in. As he drew near to the office of one Matthew Simmons, Director of Staffing, he felt himself revert back to feeling like a teenaged apprentice, or a simple scribe. Convincing himself there was no need to be nervous, he brought up a hand and rapped on the doorframe.

"Yes, please enter." Mr. Simmons called out. The door to his office was open, but he did not bother to look up from his writing.

Ben stepped forward across the threshold, and regarded the man. "Good morning, Sir. I've come with a request if you will give me a few minutes."

Mr. Simmons finally looked up. He was a stocky middle-aged man, probably in his late forties. Ben knew that he had once been a sailor with the company, and had slowly worked his way up after sustaining a leg injury. Now, he walked with a limp, which kept him behind a desk. He was primarily in charge of keeping the employee calendar and roster. Ben knew that he had come a long way, since this was the position of an educated gentleman, not an illiterate sailor. It was certainly a most impressive jump, and went to show that Mr. Simmons was not a man to be trifled with. Even now, he watched Ben with scrutiny for a few full moments before speaking again. "Davidson. What is it that you need? Please speak up."

"Sir." Ben started, "I am requesting a leave of absence for a few weeks. I know 'tis very sudden, but in the past few months I have been very busy preparing for the early departure of the Grev Moltke, and now that it is delayed until the end of May, I find my workload to be very diminished."

"Hm." Mr. Simmons said.

"I have my appointment and task book right here, if I may show you." Ben offered up his book, but Mr. Simmons waved it off.

"Davidson, you know that it is uncommon for a relatively new employee such as yourself to take time away when it is not a holiday. Would this be for an extenuating circumstance?" Mr. Simmons asked, folding his hands.

"Aye Sir. I am to travel to Williamsburg, Virginia to set an engagement for myself and my future wife. This must be done before the ship sails, and there 'tis no other time." Ben felt anticipation rise in his chest as he said these words. Hearing them spoken out made it now seem like it was going to really happen. He was going to travel to Williamsburg to ask Mr. and Mrs. Merriman for Lissie's hand.

That is, only if Mr. Simmons granted him the time off from work. Ben's lightness descended a bit as he saw Mr. Simmons' stern face as the other man thought this over. He forced back that sinking feeling, knowing that one way or the other, he would be going to Williamsburg as planned.

Mr. Simmons' expression changed very slightly, and Ben realized that the man was confused. He looked up. "Davidson, I did not realize you were still a bachelor. How old are you, Son?"

"Twenty-four, Sir." Ben responded promptly despite the forthright nature of the question.

Mr. Simmons frowned again. "I had you pegged for at least twenty-eight. Hm."

Now it was Ben's turn to be confused. _Do I….do I look old?_

"Of course, these circumstances warrant taking the time off. You have my blessing, and I'll sign off on your leave. Now if you please, I have several things I must attend to." Mr. Simmons turned his attention back down to his work.

"Yes, thank you, Sir. Of course." Ben stammered, still distracted by Mr. Simmons' remark about his age. He backed up a few steps, then turned to take his leave. As he walked through the doorframe, Mr. Simmons called out to him, "I offer my congratulations to you and your bride-to-be, Davidson."

"Thank you, Sir." Ben said, giving the man a quick smile. He then walked out into the main corridor and there, he found a decorative mirror mounted on the wall. After a quick survey to make sure that no one saw him, he focused in on his appearance in search of the beginning hallmarks of age.

….

It was the day of the Asiatic company's sesquicentennial anniversary ball, and Felicity was struggling to find something suitable to wear. She knew that an affair of this size absolutely warranted the procurement of a new gown, or at the very least, re-trimming an older article of clothing. As Felicity had only been made aware of the occasion five days prior, there wasn't nearly enough time or money to do either. When she had originally packed her things for Philadelphia to take on the role of a governess, never in a million years did she expect that she would end up attending a fancy ball on Ben's arm.

Of course Felicity was thrilled at the invitation, but the lack of proper dress was a major obstacle. She had a moment of exasperation in which she questioned Ben as to why he had not mentioned the ball earlier, completely glossing over the fact that they hadn't been on the friendliest of terms until very recently. Ben had shrugged, clueless as to the problem. _"'Twas not a priority."_ He simply had said, unhelpfully adding, _"I'm sure you will look fantastic in whatever you decide to wear."_

Felicity sighed as she rummaged through her closet. Of course Ben was not worried at all, like most men, he hadn't a clue what lengths women went through to find a suitable dress! Men had it so much easier, and she knew that Ben had only needed an hour of the tailor's time.

There was a last resort, which kept her from panicking completely. Anna had offered to give Felicity access to her closets, but she had politely declined, on the grounds that she was uncertain of Anna's true feelings towards her and Ben's reconciliation. Anna had still remained politely cool towards Felicity, speaking to her with an air of authority that was to be expected of the mistress of the house.

 _At least Lacey is once again fond of me_ , thought Felicity as she pulled out a blue silken gown and tossed it onto her bed. It was very similar to the gown that she had once worn as a child to attend a dance lesson at the Governor's palace back in Williamsburg. It had been her first attendance at a formal event, and she understood that it was nowhere near what tonight's ball would be like. She gazed at the gown, pleased with its brilliant color, but dwelled on its simple design and lack of trimmings.

It simply wouldn't do. Felicity felt a rush of frustration with herself for her procrastination and made her way down the stairs to the office. She gave a quick greeting to Samuel and Ingrid, boldly pretending that she didn't hear Ingrid's comment on the late hour and whether or not she had her bath yet. She knocked on the door, knowing that Anna did not care to be disturbed while working, but this was an extraordinary circumstance, was it not?

"Come in." Anna's voice called out.

Felicity opened the door a crack and spoke up, trying to keep her words from tumbling out. "Ma,am, I'm so sorry to disturb you. I'm in a terrible bind. I thought I had a suitable gown to wear tonight, but on my second thought, it will not do. May I trouble you as to take up your offer of lending me a gown? I fully understand if you have changed your mind."

Anna watched her a moment more before offering a slight smile. "Of course Felicity. Come with me." She led Felicity up the stairs towards her and William's bedchamber. "I had a reckoning that you would eventually ask and in the chance that you did not, I would have insisted."

"Thank you so much, Ma'am." Felicity offered.

The two of them arrived at the master bedchamber, and Anna rapped slightly on the door. "William was taking a rest earlier, but we can chase him out. Your case takes a higher precedence." She gave another smile to Felicity, this one more genuine. Felicity felt herself relax, and thanked her again.

Anna raised her hand to presumably knock harder on the door, but William's voice called out. "Yes? Sweetheart? Is that you?"

Anna spoke through the door. "'Tis Anna, yes. And Felicity is here too. We need to go through my closets right away. Are you decent?"

William gave an affirmative reply, and the two of them entered. He was sitting up on the bed, going through a stack of papers. "A trip through the closets, eh? Don't get lost in there." He chuckled at his own joke, and Anna smirked at him before pulling the door open and beckoning Felicity forward.

To say it was an impressive collection would be a great understatement. There were dozens of garments of all shapes and colors hanging within sight. Anna stepped inside the walk-in space, and the racks continued along a back wall. Felicity realized her mouth was slightly open, and she closed it, not yet able to find the words to speak.

"All of these are not mine originally," Anna started, "many were given to me by acquaintances, or procured through auction. I often lend them out for theatre productions and other affairs. You of course are free to choose whichever one you want, but I cannot guarantee that I have the proper shaping garments."

"I….I don't know where to begin." Felicity said, her eyes darting along the racks. Her relief at getting Anna's help was now being replaced by a deeper desperation brought on by the sheer number of choices. _How do I know what to choose? I have never been to a society function such as this!_

Anna chuckled. "I'll narrow it down for you. Pick a color."

"Blue." Felicity stated automatically, realizing that the contents of the closet were arranged by color. This would make things easier.

Anna went towards the blue swath, and rifled through a few of the gowns. "Let's see," she murmured, pulling a few gowns out and handing them to Felicity, "All of these would be suitable, but-," she paused and took one back, "I don't have the proper panniers for this one, and it would be a bit much." She looked at Felicity, "You have stays that lace in the back, correct?"

Felicity nodded an affirmative, and Anna thought a moment. "Yes, I think those would be all be suitable." She looked back up at Felicity, who realized that it was now up to her to make a choice.

The problem was that Felicity was rendered completely indecisive, now fully in the throes of learned helplessness. "Ah, Ma'am, would you possibly help me select one? I couldn't possibly know what to expect."

Anna pursed her lips, and lifted the top one off Felicity's arms. This one is a bit of an older style, but I think it would flatter your form nicely. But we cannot know until you actually try it on. You need to get Siobhan to prepare a bath for you. The sooner you take care of that, the better, then I will help you dress."

Felicity nodded, and returned the gowns to Anna, who returned all but that one that she had pre-selected. "I'll air out this one in the meanwhile. Now go on with you. The afternoon is slipping away."

Felicity smiled with gratitude, and took her leave in search of Siobhan. On the way, she crossed paths with Ben, who was emerging from his room. She noticed that his hair was damp, and he was clean-shaven. She grinned sheepishly at him. "I've gotten a late start, but things are falling into place for me."

Ben looked her up and down, taking stock of her relatively shabby appearance and giving her a smile. "I'm sure they are! Siobhan was looking for you. She has your bath all ready in the laundry room."

"Oh, wonderful! I could kiss her…," Felicity pushed past him and ran down the stairs.

Just as Ben had said, Siobhan was in the laundry room, adding lavender oil to a tub of steaming water. She stood up as Felicity entered. "All set, Miss. May I help you undress?"

"Yes, please Siobhan. Normally I would be fine on my own, but time is of the essence!" Felicity said, pulling off her cap. Siobhan rushed forwards and undid her neckerchief, helped out of her blouse, then started on the laces of her stays, her fingers moving as fast as lightening. It wasn't long before Felicity was left in her shift, and Siobhan took her leave after making sure that she needed no other assistance for the time being.

Felicity removed her shift and stepped into the tub. The water was a little on the hot side at first, but the shock that she felt melted away after a few moments as she sank down into it. She pulled out her braid and sank further down, allowing her hair to billow out and float, framing her face. The water was now nearly at her eye level, and she could see little rivulets of steam rising up from the surface.

She closed her eyes, and suddenly had the image of nine year-old Elizabeth chattering excitedly. _"There will be music, and lovely food, and everyone wearing beautiful clothes! This dance lesson will almost be like a ball!"_ She too was now nine years old, hurrying to get ready for the ball that she had almost missed _. I almost missed this one too. It was due to an entirely different reason, but a reason all the same._

There was almost nothing more relaxing than a hot bath, but Felicity caught herself, knowing that she would have to cut her analysis short and focus on the task at hand. She grabbed the bar of soap and got to scrubbing herself down, making sure to lather and rinse her hair completely. When she was finished, she stood up and wrapped herself in a plush towel just in time to hear a knock on the door and a voice that was distinctively Siobhan's.

Felicity beckoned for her to enter and she did, bearing additional towels and hot clay rollers for her hair. She sat down, and Siobhan got to work, pulling a brush through her hair with a mixture of scented hogsfat, and quickly pulling it up into a series of rollers. "You'll 'ave to forgive me if I pull too hard or burn you, Miss, but Missus has instructed me to move with haste." Siobhan said, and Felicity shrugged it off.

When her hair was completely set, Siobhan handed Felicity a clean shift and turned away while she dressed. Then the two of them headed back upstairs to Felicity's room, where Anna was waiting with the gown. Felicity was about to instinctively turn her eyes downwards, but Anna headed her off. "I have the gown here, let's get you into it and see if it works."

"Yes Ma'am." Felicity sat down and began to pull on a pair of stockings while Siobhan pulled out a set of stays and set them on the bed, and laid out the proper petticoats before disappearing down the hallway. There was a pause of awkward silence between her and Anna, making her aware that her hands were shaking a bit as she tied her garters.

Finally Anna spoke. "Felicity, I hope you are aware that you don't need to address me as Ma'am. In fact, I'd rather you not."

Felicity opened her mouth to speak, not quite knowing what to say. "I'll try to remember that."

Anna sighed. "Perhaps I had a bit of a folly when I proposed that you come here and be Lacey's governess. I do not regret bringing you here of course, but it was never my intention for you to be one of the household staff. When I invited you here, I knew with full awareness that you were to someday be my sister-in-law. So please, I insist that you call me Anna."

"I…," Felicity started, and easily found the words that she had wanted to say for quite some time, "I find myself still quite repentant for shirking my duties with Lacey. I had but one job to do here, and I was failing at it. So I am quite sorry."

Anna smiled at her. "You had three jobs. Teaching my precocious daughter, writing two full-length manuscripts, and keeping my little brother's heart. I daresay none of those tasks are trivial on their own, and I can't imagine attending to all of them!"

Felicity shrugged, "Teaching Lacey and writing my stories are challenging, but they have been quite enjoyable and rewarding to me and I relish the opportunities and life that you have given me here. And Ben," she smiled to herself as she considered him, "I wouldn't say that being with Ben has been a difficult thing. In fact, it is the thing that I have done with the most ease."

"So it is real then." Anna asked, though her voice didn't carry the tones of a question.

"Yes. If he will still have me." Felicity answered, instinctively ducking her head low for a moment. It felt as though she was asking Anna's permission.

"Good. I'm happy to hear it." Anna said. These were similar the words that she had used just prior to Samuel Davidson's birthday party, but they had a finality, a sincerity to them that had been previously absent. She then spoke up again. "Take care of him, Felicity."

"I will." Felicity said, feeling as though her heart were swelling against her chest. "In fact, the two of us have spoken a bit about traveling back to Williamsburg to set our engagement. It will need to be done quickly if it is to happen, and-," she froze in shock, her eyes going wide, "I'm so sorry, Ma'am! I completely forgot, oh, what about Lacey? I am supposed to be here, teaching her!" She clapped a hand over her mouth and spoke through it in a muffled tone, "Please forgive my negligence!" _You had one job!_

Anna laughed, sitting down on the bed. "Felicity, please. Go with Ben and travel to Williamsburg. Lacey isn't going anywhere, and I of course will want you to return and finish out your contract."

"Are you sure?" Felicity asked.

"I am. Of course, I will hope that you do decide to return, although I will understand if you chose to remain with your family during Ben's absence." Anna said, reaching out and touching Felicity's arm.

"No." Felicity shook her head decidedly. "I daresay that I will want to return and finish out my contract. You and your family are a delight to me, and I very much enjoy my life here."

"I'm so glad that you have found happiness here." Anna said. She reached for Felicity's hand and briefly clasped it, then stood up. "If you please excuse me a moment, I'll go and summon Siobhan. I requested she leave us be for a few moments so that I might speak with you in private."

"Right. Of course." Felicity realized that she should have noticed Siobhan's prolonged absence. Anna left the room, returning just a few moments later with the Irish maid who was carrying another basket of tools and creams, and a small stool with the other hand. She sat Felicity down and used her rapid fingers to first uncoil Felicity's hair from the rollers and following that, to plait it into an elaborate braid that wrapped around her head and was secured with pins, leaving the long curls to rest over her shoulder.

Meanwhile, Anna worked to lay out all of the undergarments needed, and when Felicity's hair was finished, the two women worked quickly and methodically on Felicity, setting her stays and lacing them up, tying her petticoats on, attaching slight panniers that were just slightly larger than what Felicity was used to. Finally, Anna and Siobhan helped her into the gown, pinning it to a blue stomacher that she held in front of herself and securing the skirts to her petticoat.

Anna stepped back and surveyed her work. "Well, it looks like it fits just fine. Siobhan?"

"You look wonderful, Miss Felicity." Siobhan nodded her approval, and adjusted the full-length mirror so that Felicity might see her full reflection.

Felicity turned and looked into the mirror, taking stock of herself. Anna was right, the gown was very flattering on her. The shape and layers of the skirts, the angular neckline and bell sleeves were typical of dresses that her grandmother likely would have worn, but the style was timeless. "It is wonderful, I love it!" She exclaimed. "I thank the both of you!" There was nothing else she that felt warranted a mention.

"Well, 'tis good to hear." Anna said, "because you are nearly out of time. You and Ben have time to eat a small supper, then you must be on your way. 'Tis nearly six-thirty."

At Anna's mention of supper, Siobhan gave the both of them a curtsey, and was on her way presumably to the kitchen. Anna then turned towards the door and Felicity was prepared to follow, but she turned back at the last moment. "Wait, you need some kind of necklace or a cord for your neck. Do you have something you would like to wear?"

Felicity only needed a moment to think about it. The object in question had been laying in her drawer for the past three days, after she had found it hanging innocently on her doorknob. It was Ben signal whistle, the one that she had worn around her neck the entire length of time that they were apart, the one that she risked approaching and talking down a group of drunken men for, and the one that she had wordlessly left hanging on the doorknob to his room the day after she had told him there would be no engagement. And now, she would finally reclaim it. She opened her dresser drawer and took it out, then presented it for Anna's approval.

"Are you sure?" Anna asked, raising an eyebrow. Felicity nodded, keeping her expression innocent and Anna shrugged in response. "It is silver, so I suppose it will be sufficient. Here." She took the chain from Felicity's hand and walked around her so that she could fasten it. She then stepped back in front of Felicity and looked her up and down one final time before giving a final nod of approval. "I think you are ready."

And with that, she took the lead, and Felicity followed her down the stairs.

….

Ben sat idly in the parlor with his parents and the children, waiting for Felicity to finish getting ready. He knew that his sister had been with her for a good part of the afternoon, helping her get dressed and ready. He wondered how they had been getting along. He had been surprised, but very relieved when he heard that Anna had offered her assistance. Perhaps she was finally coming around to the fact that he and Felicity had reconciled.

His brother-in-law, William entered the room, having gone out to prepare the riding chair for the two of them. He glanced around the parlor, as if his wife and Felicity were hiding. "Are they not yet finished? I thought you two were in a hurry."

"Should be any moment now, or you two will not have time to eat anything! Shall I go up and check?" Ingrid put down her knitting needles and prepared to get herself up. She stopped short at the sight of Anna emerging from the upstairs and descending down the staircase, followed by Felicity.

To Ben, it looked like a success. Felicity of course looked spectacular in a light blue gown that had to have come from the depths of his sister's closet, but the thing that he noticed first was the happy expression that she wore. He tore his gaze away from her and gave Anna a quick look, seeing that she had lost the emotionless mask of skepticism that she had held the past few weeks regarding Felicity. He looked at Felicity and grinned widely at her as she stepped foot into the parlor and made her way towards him.

"My darling! How lovely you look!" His mother exclaimed, saying exactly what was on his mind.

"Yeah! So pretty!" Lacey commented.

"All thanks to Anna, and Siobhan of course." Felicity said, blushing at the attention.

"Was no trouble at all. I'm happy to help." Anna nodded slightly.

He then felt Felicity shift her attention on to him. "You look fantastic. So regal," she commented, looking him up and down.

Ben had felt that with all of the formality of this event, he would need to wear something that commanded respect. He had immediately thought of his military dress, which of course was still back in Yorktown. So, he had tried to find clothing with the same coloring, which was a white tunic, beige breeches, white stockings, and a blue coat. He also wore a red sash, appropriate for the highest rank he had reached before he was injured, which was Sargent. Despite the care he had put into choosing an outfit, he wasn't quite ready to respond to a compliment. "Not as good as you do!" He lamely replied, and then suddenly noticed that she was once again wearing his signal whistle in lieu of a proper necklace. He felt his heart swell, and simultaneously wondered how his sister had let it pass. At least the silver chain that replaced his old leather cord matched the trimmings of her dress.

"Don't you two need to be leaving soon?" His father spoke up, folding a copy of the Philadelphia Times in his lap and setting it aside.

"Siobhan was preparing small plates for the two of you. Let us see to her progress." Anna motioned for the two of them to follow her.

"I imagine that there will be food at the party." Ben said as they walked. It was not his intention to turn down a meal, but it was strange how insistent everyone was for the two of them to eat before leaving.

"Well, I at least need to eat now so I have my fill. It would be quite un-gentlewomanly of me to gorge myself at the party." Felicity said as she walked ahead of him. "If you don't care to have your supper, then I'll happily eat that as well!"

"Don't you dare." Ben grinned as they entered the dining room. Siobhan had set out two small plates, and was pouring them each a glass of wine.

"Here you are, children. Remember to make haste." Anna waved towards the table dismissively and took her leave. "I suppose I'll now have to flush Lacey out of my closets…," she was muttering to herself as she left.

Ben and Felicity took a seat and began eating quickly, but quietly, occasionally glancing up at one another and blushing when their gazes met. The silence between them was starting to get a bit strange, for Ben, and he struggled to come up with something to say. "You are wearing my signal whistle again." He remarked.

Felicity touched the chain on her neck. "Aye, I am. Felt it was most appropriate." She glanced down at his wrist, and fixed him with a serious gaze, "And are you wearing my coral necklace under those cufflinks?"

"I…," Ben touched his wrist briefly, his mind turning over in dread. _Oh hell and damnation_ …."I am not," he admitted. _How could you be so stupid?_

"Well then." Felicity pressed her lips together, her expression going cold.

Ben stood up quickly, his mind racing. "It's up in my dresser drawer! I'll get it now, just wait here!" He dashed to the edge of the dining room and turned around in the doorway. Felicity was watching him with narrowed eyes. He gave her a slight bow and took his leave, dashing up the stairs two at a time and ignoring the confused looks of the rest of his family as he passed.

He tore the door to his bedroom open and strode to his dresser drawer, pulling it open and sifting through the various papers that were stored inside. There was still no sign of it, so in frustration he pulled the entire drawer out and turned it over onto the floor. Dozens of papers fluttered out, but there was no sign of her necklace.

 _Where is it, where is it?_ He wondered if Felicity was now cross, ready to refuse to go to the ball with him. Perhaps their future engagement would be off as well. He knew that this last one was unlikely, but still, he knew that he balanced on thin ice.

He pulled open his desk drawers one by one and sifted around, taking a few out and overturning them. No such luck. Finally, he saw it, plain as day on top of his desk. He grabbed it and hastily looped it around his wrist, struggling for only a moment to close the clasp with one hand. He then stepped over the piles of papers scattered along the floor as he made his way back down to the dining room, again ignoring the confused looks and questions from his family.

The sight that greeted him as he returned to the dining room astonished him. Felicity's plate and wineglass were both empty, as was her chair. Instead, she sat in the chair that Ben had just vacated while he ran his desperate errand, and she was polishing off his portion of sausage and beets.

"You! You absolute little…." He exclaimed, striding towards her, his words cut off in shock. Was this her plan all along?

Felicity saw him closing in, and she responded by cramming in portions of carrot and potato as quickly as she could, stopping to hastily chew and swallow. He began to laugh in spite of himself at the sight of her, cheeks crammed full of root vegetables and a sight of wickedness in her eyes. All this against the backdrop of the finery that she wore made the whole scene border on the absurd.

"Alright, back to your seat!" He ordered, as she stood up from the chair and backed away, a hand over her mouth as she struggled to chew and swallow and keep from laughing at the same time.

Ben sat down with the air of defiance and took his glass of wine, which thankfully Felicity had spared. "I can't believe you stole my dinner." He said incredulously. "Were you actually upset about the coral necklace? Or were you just looking for a diversion?"

Felicity grinned at him. "A little of column A, a little of column B. One thing led to another, I suppose. But honestly now, you will have the opportunity to eat as much as you want at the party, whereas I will be limited to foods that can be eaten daintily and cleanly!"

Ben shook his head and held up his wrist, showing her the necklace. "Well, I would offer my sincerest apologies, but I see that you have already taken it upon yourself to punish me!"

"In the best way that I know how!" Felicity grinned even wider at him. "Now, bottoms up!" She said, gesturing to his wine. "We must not be late."

She was right. Ben upended the rest of his wine, drinking the whole glass down. The two of them made their way back to the front hallway, and after a few rushed goodbyes, they were on their way.

William had gone out to bring around Penny and the riding chair, and Felicity paused to stroke her horse's nose for a moment before allowing Ben to help her up into the chair. He caught sight of her heeled shoes and was worried she would miss the step, but she navigated it as if she wore heels on a daily basis.

The ball was to be held at the State House, which was just a few blocks away from the city centre. It was not at all a far distance, and could easily be walked. But he knew that it was better to ride, for appearances of course, and for Felicity's comfort in what he imagined to be endless layers of petticoats, a tightly-cinched bodice, and those aforementioned heeled shoes.

"Are you comfortable enough?" He asked, letting Penny plod along as slowly as she wanted.

Felicity looked at him with a raised eyebrow. "Quite….?" she said slowly, as if she didn't fully understand the question.

"I mean, your clothing." He clarified. "You look absolutely beautiful, but are you comfortable in all of that?" The Felicity he knew would often gather up her skirts in her hands so that she might run until breathless against the stays that she preferred tied loose.

Felicity gave him an affirmative nod. "Quite," she said, "You needn't worry. The gown fits like a glove, and I am not the awkward, stumbling child I used to be when I wore shoes like this." She watched him now as he stared straight ahead, keeping his eyes on the road that was full of carriages and riding chairs. "Why, are you nervous about my behavior among your colleagues?"

"What?" Ben eyed her, hoping that she did not take any offense. "Of course not. I was merely asking if you were comfortable enough."

Felicity closed her eyes for a moment and a smile spread across her face. "You needn't worry about me. I feel as though I am a chameleon. I've always been able to slip in and out of social settings, clothing, conversations, and situations. I can don fine vintage gowns just as well as I can wear breeches. I can serve tea and I can swim. I can know how to dance reels as well as minuets. I can speak about politics and participate in conversations about finding a good husband. Perhaps this is one of my talents. Why, I charmed Joseph's mother and father and then when they were gone I serenaded him with foul sea shanties." She smiled wickedly at the memory.

"Did you now?" Ben typically did not prefer to hear any mention of Joseph's name, but in a story in which the man was riled up, well, that would be a delightful story indeed.

"Oh yes! I swear that I could not help myself. He would ask for me to sing, so I sang for him indeed." Felicity grinned wickedly.

"Well," Ben put on his best effort at mock-offense, "You never sang wicked sea shanties to me, so hmmmm, how do I put this?" he pretended to ponder this, "Perhaps the only conclusion that I might come to is that you never truly loved me."

Felicity stared at him for the briefest of moments before breaking out into song.

 _"In Amsterdam I met a maid_

 _Mark well what I do say!_

 _In Amsterdam I met a maid_

 _She's always mistress of her trade_

 _Her eyes were blue, her skin was brown  
Her hair was black and hanging down_

 _I met this fair maid after dark  
And took her to her favorite park._

 _I took this fair maid for a walk  
I bought her gin and could she talk_

 _I put me arm around her waist  
Says she, 'Young man, you're in great haste!'_

 _I put my hand upon her knee  
Says she, 'Young man you're rather free!'_

 _I put my hand upon her thigh  
Says she, 'Young man you're rather high!'_

 _I put my hand apon her breast_

 _And the wind picked up from the south south west_

 _Then we parted with a kiss_

 _But when on board my purse I missed!"_

Ben laughed and joined in, recognizing it as a song commonly sang by other soldiers that he had known once upon a time ago.

 _"I'll go no more a roving with you fair maid_

 _A Roving A Roving_

 _Since Roving's been my ru-i-n_

 _No more I'll go a roving with you fair maid!"_

"Brava! Well done!" Ben cried, and Felicity took a bow. The two sat in comfortable silence for the next moment as the silhouette of the State House drew near. Ben had walked along the length of the grand building many-a time, but he had never once been inside. As far as he knew, Felicity hadn't either. He turned to watch her awed expression, the many lantern lights mirrored in her eyes as Penny fell into the line of arriving carriages and riding chairs.

Felicity caught him staring at her. "Penny for your thoughts?" She asked.

Ben shrugged. "I just rather like seeing you so cheery." He said.

She reached over and placed her hand on top of his. "Well, there is a lot to be cheery about, don't you think?" she asked.

"Well, yes. Yes I do." He said. And that was all that was needed to say.

Two attendants appeared on either side of the chair. One of them took Felicity by the hand and helped her down, and the other climbed into the chair alongside Ben, who handed over the reins before jumping down. He offered the crook of his elbow to Felicity and she took it, giving him one last smile before they walked together through the grand double doors of the Philadelphia State House.

"Just relax and you will be fine." He murmured as they stepped through the threshold.

"I thought we discussed this already." Felicity said. "You don't need to fear, Benjamin, for I am strapping on my airs and all of my various social graces as we speak." He held back a chuckle and lanced at her, just in time to see her bring her free hand as if to adjust her intricate braid and curls before deciding against it.

The party was to be held up on the second floor, in the Long Room. The two of them entered the room, and Ben surveyed the scene. Immediately his eyes went to a table of various foods and beverages. From a distance, he could see the massive trays of breads, cheeses and sausages, apples, pears, and pastries. There were also four large bowls of what Ben imagined was some kind of punch concoction, and various bottles of wine and champagne. It all looked fantastic, and he remembered how Felicity had stolen much of his own supper earlier.

"Ben?" Felicity's whispered voice interrupted his thoughts. "Do you know any of the people here?" He felt her grip his elbow a little tighter.

Ben blinked and put his focus onto the other guests that were scattered around the room. "Let's see, maybe about half of them? I recognize them from my typical day at work. The invitations went far and wide to the other regional offices, and I imagine folks that have long retired and their kin would still be invited." He glanced over at her, and saw that she kept an even smile, but her eyes were a little wide. "Just relax, alright? You look absolutely beautiful, and we are here to have a good time," he reassured her.

"I _am_ relaxed." Felicity insisted. "But, please don't….please don't leave me alone, not at least for a little while until I get my bearings." It was clear that she was showing some signs of shyness. It was outwardly surprising at first, considering her general manner, but he also knew that she, like most humans was also prone to moments of insecurity and self-doubt.

"I wouldn't dream of it, not when I get to show you off." Ben said, giving her a smile. He eyed the table once again. "Here's a novel idea, why don't we both get a glass of champagne?"

"Yes, I think I would like that!" Felicity agreed, and they traveled the length of the room to the food and drink table. Ben took two glasses offered by a steward, and he handed one to Felicity. They clinked glasses, and took a sip in unison as was the tradition.

It was but only a moment before someone came up to shake his hand. It was Allen Garrett, his office-mate and sometimes-friend. "Ben! So good to see you here. May I introduce my wife, Katherine?"

Ben looked beyond Allen to see a petite, fair-haired woman. He took her hand in the proper, light grip. "How do you do, madam?"

"Quite well, and pleased to meet you. Please call me Katy." The woman said. Ben searched his memories, trying to figure out if he had met her before. Allen was at William and Anna's New Years' party, so wouldn't he have also taken his wife? Then he remembered, Katy Garrett had been quite ill after the birth of the couples' daughter, and had been bedridden for several weeks. He remembered how stressed Allen had been, and how much of a relaxed disposition he had carried as his wife had regained her health.

He blinked back to attention, seeing Allen greet Felicity of his own accord and jumped back into the conversation, hoping Felicity would not take note of his momentary distraction. He turned back towards Katy Garrett, "May I introduce my…," he nearly missed a beat, his mind racing over what exactly to call Felicity, "…my future fiancée, Felicity Merriman."

The two women shook hands and exchanged greetings. "Future fiancée?" Katy Garrett clarified, while Allen looked at Ben with interest.

"Indeed." Felicity said, and Ben noticed that she seemed noticeably relaxed and at ease. He was pleased that the first couple they had interacted with were so open and friendly. It wasn't long before the four of them were talking at length about the city of Philadelphia. Soon, other folks, both known co-workers and people Ben had never met before were coming up and introducing themselves to Ben and Felicity.

Eventually, the party dynamics shifted a little into groups of men and women, with Ben in a small circle of gentlemen listening to one of the cartographers tell a story of his apprenticeship, which had taken him from the Mediterranean to the Arabian Peninsula. He suddenly felt a pitch of nervousness in his gut as he realized that in just a few weeks, he would be traveling away, an entire magnitude of distance greater than he had ever traveled in his life.

He nervously glanced around until he saw Felicity, standing in an adjacent group of ladies. To his complete lack of surprise, she held command of the conversation. He trained his ear, and heard her speaking above the din of the room. "I had entertained that thought and I agree that time is of the essence, but I ready decided that I would not," she was saying.

 _Would not what?_ Ben thought, the negative tones of her reply pricking at the insecurities that remained over their very recent reconciliation. He reminded himself that there was no reason to be alarmed, that he didn't know the context in which that was said.

"So just an engagement, and not a wedding?" Was the clarifying question from a woman in the circle.

"No." Felicity shook her head emphatically. "I told myself that when we are married, the last thing I would want to do is to bid farewell to him for a year, maybe more. I insist on postponing the wedding until he returns. When we are wed, he is mine. I will go where he goes and I am not giving him up." Her gaze then flicked for just a moment over to him and she smiled, a blush spreading over her face. Ben felt himself smile back, feeling great relief at hearing her plans.

 _She wants to marry me, and she does not mind the delay. We are going to do this right._

 _Everything is finally, finally, finally falling into place._

There was a clinking of a glass that started at the far end of the Long Room, and picked up by other guests that began clinking as the trend moved across the room. It was to call attention to the company president, who now stood behind a podium on a mounted stage. He held up a glass of champagne to the crowd, and spoke in a loud, booming voice.

"To my dear Sirs and Madams, thank you all for joining me tonight with the singular notion of celebrating the one hundred and fiftieth anniversary of the Asiatic Company. My great-grandfather started this company while he worked at the right hand side of…."

Ben had every intention to keep an ear trained on the company president's speech, but this quickly fell to the wayside as his awareness of Felicity's presence at his side consumed his attention. He risked a glance, making an effort not to turn his head so that it would not appear that his mind was wandering. She held her glass of champagne in front of her, clasping it with her pale fingers. His eyes traveled up her arm, the beginnings of her lacy blue sleeves staring just below the elbow. The tops of the sleeves hung onto the edge of her shoulders, leaving bare much of her collarbone and décolletage. The neckline of the dress plunged to expose the tops of her breasts, and he barely held himself back from taking a glance. Instead, he let his eyes travel upwards, lingering on his signal whistle and the chain that circled her slim, white neck, then to her face, which was focused on the company president as she listened to the man with rapt attention. There was a moment that her attention faltered as she flicked her eyes towards Ben, the corners of her mouth twitching upwards.

Ben took this as a sign that he should pay attention as well, and looked forward again at the company president. His wife had joined him on stage, and the two of them held hands as he spoke about the bonds of family.

 _Family._

The word put a jolt through him as he realized that he and Felicity would have a family together. He had heard it directly from her. Hadn't he? That she desired to wed him after he returned from Europe? He had heard it, and it was real. That she would go wherever he would go. That statement carried such a finality that he no longer needed any doubt as to if their reconciliation was real.

He glanced at Felicity again in time to see her raise her glass of champagne, and echo a toast coming from the front of the room. Startled, he raised his own glass, hoping that no one noticed that he had missed a beat. He took a sip, and joined the room in applause. There was a rush of people moving away from the center of the room, and instinctively he took Felicity's hand and walked backwards with the crowd as the musicians began to play a song that had a peculiar rhythm to it.

The company president and his wife took to the center of the room. They faced each other and she put a hand on his shoulder, and he put his arm around her waist. The couple then joined their free hands, and they were off, moving in a rhythmic, constant circle around the room as if they were gliding.

"It's a new dance!" Felicity whispered to him. "From Austria and gaining popularity in France. The president called it the Viennese Waltz, or something like that. It looks so romantic!"

Ben agreed with her. Yes, it looked very romantic, but quite difficult. In the days leading up to the ball he had made sure that he remembered all the different variations of the Minuet, but the timing and steps of the Waltz looked like something he had never seen before. Was he expected to be able to do this?

Felicity voiced exactly what he was thinking. "The timing is in threes, do you hear it? The counts are one, two, three, one, two, three….and so on. But how do they do this? I have two feet, and they move in twos, not threes!"

Her tone was more curious than anything else, but Ben picked up on the hint of anxiety. It was his job to put her at ease. He studied the couple on the floor, watching their feet and how they moved in time to the music. He knew he could figure this out. "I think…I think they are tracing the pattern of a box with their steps, do you see?" He asked her, and she looked closely.

"So now, would you face me?" He asked, and she did. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see other couples also trying to learn the steps of this dance on the fly. "Take my shoulder, and I'll put my arm around your waist, if that is agreeable to you, of course." He added quickly. This was the first type of dance he had seen where the couples held each other so intimately.

"Why, of course it is agreeable to me." Felicity said, a sparkle in her eye. She put a hand on his shoulder and he put his hand at the small of her back. They then clasped their free hands, his right folded into her left.

"And now," Ben thought quickly, craning his neck around to look at the dancing couple for guidance, "As I step to the side with my right foot, you do the same with your left. Then shift your weight back on the two, and step backwards while I step forwards on three. That is when I'll turn the both of us." He hoped his explanation was accurate, and not too convoluted.

"I think I have it." Felicity nodded to him, her face set in determination. Around them, couples were starting to join in, some catching on better than others.

"With me then." Ben took a breath, "On three."

They counted together, and then were off, joining in the expanding circle of couples moving together on the floor.

….

As the party dwindled down and many of the guests had started to leave, Felicity had just started discovering the varieties of pastries, jellies, and cakes that had been available the entire time. She admitted to herself that she had been quite nervous upon walking in, but the pleasantness of the other guests had put her at ease. Then there had been a most excellent speech by the company president, followed by a demonstration of a new-fashioned dancing style. Though it was a little awkward to learn at first, Felicity quickly fell in love with the swirling, circling patterns that she and Ben made as they held each other close, his hand on her back as he guided her along the floor.

Now, as she surveyed the food table, she noticed Ben liberally taking samples from many of the plates. Despite the fact that she was now well-acquainted with many of the guests, she still needed to mind her manners and resist the urge to take one of everything as Ben was doing.

"These are fantastic." Ben commented, pointing to a tray of round sandwich cookies. "I don't think they are messy, which is what you are looking for, right? You won't have to lick the cream off of your fingers."

Felicity sighed. "They look wonderful, but so does everything! It is like I am at the Patisserie. I cannot decide on just one."

Ben grinned at her, then held up a small plate. "How about I take a few of everything, then we can duck around one of the corners so that you may gorge yourself as you please?"

"Will that be fine?" Felicity looked around the emptying room.

"Of course." Ben was already setting to work, piling up a series of small cakes.

After a quick survey, Felicity realized that many of the hidden corner spaces were already taken by couples seeking a bit of privacy. She hadn't expected this, but maybe it was actually an unspoken feature of a fancy ball. All of the society rules and manners just went out the window when it came down to people that loved each other and wanted to be together.

She followed Ben out the door and down the hallway, finally finding a corner with a small settee. It wasn't exactly hidden, but it was far enough away from the Long Room that it was unlikely for them to be discovered. Ben set down next to her, and handed her the plate so that she would take first pick. Her choice was the small, sandwich cookies that Ben had originally pointed out to her.

She handed the plate back to Ben, who surprised her by placing it down onto the floor. "I overheard what you were saying to the other ladies," he said, "about wanting to wait until I return from Europe to get married."

Felicity nodded, swallowing her last bite of cookie. Truth was, she had just made that up on the spot, but it had rang true to her. The idea of hastily marrying Ben, then bidding him goodbye for a year and a half was unfathomable. "So what do you think?" She asked him.

"Yes, of course. I want to marry you regardless, so I suppose the date would be up to you." Ben said, "But, we are in agreement that we will travel to Williamsburg soon so that I may ask your parents for your hand, is this correct?"

Felicity felt a giddy thrill run through her as she realized what was happening here. "Aye, of course."

Ben looked into her eyes, his expression serious. "Are…are you going to be alright with such a long engagement?"

Felicity nodded, matching his expression despite her inward feelings of joy. "A year and a half is not long at all, and I will be quite content. There is much for me to do."

Ben made a strange sound, somewhere between a rushed breath, a sigh of relief, and a rather un-masculine giggle. His face flushed, and Felicity felt herself smile in turn, feeling the corners of her mouth turn up as she put a hand in front of it, suppressing her own mad giggling.

Ben reached out and fingered a few of her curls for a moment, before reaching out for a full embrace. Felicity caught him in turn, gripping the fabric in his blue overcoat and running her hand up to his shoulder. They broke apart several moments later, their faces so close together that their noses were almost touching. Felicity waited with anticipation for him to make the next move, and he did, tilting his head and closing her eyes. She responded with her own innate actions and they met in a kiss that was light at first, and then deepened as she wove her hand around to the back of his neck.

When they broke apart, Ben leaned forward and touched his forehead to hers. She spoke up, realizing that this was the first time they had kissed since before their split. "Did you miss this?"

"Every day." Ben whispered.

Felicity smiled, and noticed that Ben had tilted his head again in preparation to kiss her again. She pulled back, and he opened his eyes to see the cause of her hesitation. "Well?" She asked.

"Well what?" He asked, a confused expression on his face.

"Is there something you needed to ask me?" She asked innocently.

Felicity swore that any other man would've remained confused and in need of further clarification, but Ben understood right away that she desired to officially hear him ask the question. He looked at her with the softest expression she had ever seen him wear, and took her hand. "Marry me?" He asked.

"I will." Felicity said. Ben squeezed her hand, a smile spreading across his face.

…

A/N:

This is probably the fluffiest ending to a chapter that I've ever written. Hope it's tolerable.

Song credits: "Maid of Amsterdam" is a traditional sea shanty. I was hoping to find something a little more filthy, but I guess I don't really know where to look besides Google.


	25. Chapter 25

Chapter summary: Vignettes from the road as Felicity and Ben travel to Yorktown

….

To Felicity, it felt like a dream of hers was coming true. She would be taking to the open road upon Penny and traveling hundreds of miles, sleeping outside, foraging for food, and living off of the land. Completely wild and free.

Well, it wasn't exactly as she had imagined it once upon a time ago. In this original dream, she had seen herself fleeing towards the western frontier to escape the future of gentlewomanly expectations. This dream had manifested as a child, disappeared during her early teen years, the resurfaced with growing intensity as she drew closer to the engagement with Joseph that thankfully never was.

But now? All the key pieces were still there. She may not be traveling west, but she knew south would be completely sufficient at this time. And it wasn't the wild frontier, but the King's Highway. And she wouldn't be alone, but this was all just fine as Ben would be by her side. Together, they were to travel by horseback to Yorktown and rendezvous with Samuel and Ingrid, who would be going by the slower riding carriage. Then, the four of them would travel on to Williamsburg.

Ben had worried about how exactly to inform her mother and father that they were coming. He had given Felicity the letter he had received from her mother to read, but to Felicity, there had been no predicament. Her mother had invited the two of them along with Samuel and Ingrid to discuss their relationship. They were doing exactly that, so what was there to fret about?

Ingrid had seen Felicity eye-to-eye on this. "Just say exactly what your will is, my dear," she instructed Ben. "You are to ask a man for his daughter's hand, and you must make that clear."

Ben had given a curt nod, but Felicity saw the hesitation in his eyes. Ingrid meant well, but Felicity knew that Ben was dwelling on the fact that there was still a level of deception at play. The letter would be enclosed in a note addressed to Ben's sister Charlotte back in Yorktown with instructions to then mail it on to the Merrimans in Williamsburg. This would cover any suspicion that might arise if the letter from Ben was postmarked in Philadelphia.

Felicity had sworn to him that she would let her mother and father know in person that Ben had been in Philadelphia nearly this whole time. She carried no fear about this; after all, she and Ben were both in a position to have full control of their lives, and her mother and father would not have the power to refuse an engagement. If anything, this was all but a formality. "The sooner you write it," she admonished him, "the sooner we may be on our way. So let's crack on!"

Ben had sighed and rested his head into his arms. "What kind of person have you turned me into?" He asked, his voice muffled by his forearms.

Felicity reached down and brushed a few stray strands of his hair back. He did not stir, and she grinned at the back of his head. "Just the kind of person that I want."

Up in her room, she had laid out a series of gowns and other garments that would be packed into her trunk and sent along with Ingrid and Samuel. She would keep her hardiest clothing for herself to wear on the road. The early April weather was warm but tended to be rather wet, and she was sure to include her oil-soaked cloak for any rainshowers. But what else? She gazed upon the two gowns set aside for her journey, six pairs of woolen socks, and the now-empty pack that was propped against her desk. Would this be it?

Of course, there would be things like food and other types of provisions, but those would be packed later. For now, she would just have to keep her excitement at bay, and find something else to occupy her mind.

She thought about wandering back downstairs to see how Ben was doing with his letter, but had a sudden realization. She would only be spending a few days in Williamsburg as Ben needed to return to Philadelphia with time to spare before his ship set sail, but she knew that she needed to make enough time to see her oldest friend.

The prospect of seeing Elizabeth again did have a few complicating factors namely in the form of an ex-suitor who would likely be unavoidable, but she knew that she could not visit Williamsburg without reaching out.

She sat down at her desk, pulled out a fresh piece of paper, and began to write.

 _April 3rd, 1783_

 _Dearest Elizabeth,_

 _Happy Springtime to you, My Dear! I hope that this letter finds you and your little one (to be, of course!) in good health and spirits. I am writing to you to tell you that I will be traveling shortly to Williamsburg, leaving in three days-time. I confess that the details are a little complicated, but you know that I wouldn't have it any other way! The short of it is that Ben and I have reconciled, and the purpose of this visit is so that we can formally set an engagement._

 _I of course will tell you all of the details in person, if you find this favorable. I hope very much that you do, as I would very much like to speak with you once again._

 _Please give my love to your family, and I hope to see you in a few weeks' time._

 _Until we meet again,_

 _Felicity_

Felicity quickly re-read the letter, wondering if it would be sufficient. She had a mind to just go ahead and write a lengthier version with all of the twists and turns of the last few weeks, but had a pause, remembering that once upon a time ago, she had bared her thoughts and actions to Elizabeth and the girl had judged her unfavorably.

Even with the apologetic tone of Elizabeth's letters, Felicity knew she had to tread carefully. After all, she was now married to Joseph, and the man had a spectacular talent for getting others to open up favorably, then giving them a sly verbal backhand. Perhaps Elizabeth had picked up on these same manners.

Yes, this short letter would have to be sufficient for the time being. The details would wait until she was in the company of her childhood friend, able to see and find anything hidden in the other girl's tone and expression.

She folded it up and sealed it, figuring that she might as well pay a visit to the postmaster. Perhaps Ben was finished with his letter as well.

….

Ben knelt down and checked once again to make sure the straps on his pack were securely buckled. Satisfied, he slung it over his back and wrapped the final canvas strap around his midsection. He then glanced up at Felicity, already mounted atop Penny, the reins in her hands. She was dressed in a simple, plain gown and cloak, perfect for a long distance ride. Her hair was done in a braid that rested over one shoulder, and she wore a rough muslin cap to protect from the wind. He studied her for a moment, picturing her as he saw her just a few days prior dressed in all of her finery as they two of them prepared to attend his company anniversary ball. Despite the contrast, she was indeed one and the same.

 _Lissie…._

"Are you ready then?" Felicity grinned down at him. He shook himself out of his reverie and brushed the dust off his hands against his woolen breeches, worn through and patched many times since their initial purchase years ago. Like Felicity, he knew he was dressed like a proper ruffian, the sole purpose that they would look like just another working-class couple on the road.

"I reckon so." Ben glanced back at the front of Anna and William's home, where the rest of his family was gathered. The two of them had bid their farewells just a few minutes prior, with assurances to the children that they would return in a few weeks' time.

"You sure you don't need any more help?" He called back, noting the stacks of traveling chests that contained his and Felicity's things. They would be going with his mother and father in their carriage, which should have been leaving as well at this time, if not for his mother's insistence that she take one more shopping trip into town.

"For the last time, no! Now on with the both of 'ya!" William called out, and Anna waved her hand dismissively at them.

Ben grinned and mounted Rosie, taking her reins and turning her around so she faced the road. "Goodbye, and we will see you all in a few weeks' time!" Felicity called back, waving her free arm.

"Good luck Ben! Hope Miss Felicity's father doesn't throw you out again!" Ezra called out. Anna reached over to clamp a hand over the boy's mouth, and he bit back laughter. Above him, he could hear Felicity's laughter.

"Please be careful, Children! Ben! Do take care of Felicity!" His mother called out, and Ben nodded to her before nudging Rosie onwards. He glanced back and saw Felicity do the same as she waved goodbye one more time. She then caught up to him, Penny walking alongside Rosie.

Finally, they were on their way.

They rode in comfortable silence, by-passing the city center in favor of the side-roads that would not be so crowded with foot traffic. Block-after-block of densely-populated rowhouses passed by them, gradually turning into single-family structures with full yards and gardens. These houses became further and further spaced-out as they became farms, making it official that they were now outside of the city.

Next to him, Felicity broke into the silence by letting out a happy sigh. "Finally, we are on our way! I am so, so happy to be traveling like this, I have no words to express it!"

Ben turned to look at her. She wore an expression of complete bliss, her face lit up with pure radiance. He watched her for a moment as she closed her eyes and lifted her chin ever-so-slightly so that she might catch the sun. "I'm happy to hear that you feel this way! I hope it continues throughout the week." He smiled at her, trying not to think about aching backs and saddle sores.

"Aye, I hope so too." Felicity grinned at him, then turned her head as a road sign caught her attention. "Baltimore, one hundred and five miles," she read.

"That's the goal, to get south of Baltimore by tomorrow evening." Ben said, then considered the thought further, "although, we are not in the biggest hurry. If you feel you must slow down and walk, or stop completely and rest, please say so!"

"Noted, and same goes for you too." Felicity smiled at him again.

They once again fell into silence, moving aside as a patrol carriage passed them on the left. Ben made an effort to relax into his saddle, keeping in mind the stamina he would need to complete the ride. When he had originally traveled from Yorktown to Philadelphia the previous November, he had been wracked with anxiety over whether or not Felicity would be happy to see him and his taxing mental state had helped him ignore the physical difficulties of the journey. This time he knew that he was capable of the ride, but he was worried that Felicity would have her own troubles. He saw how happy she was now, and hoped that her attitude would carry her through.

Felicity spoke up. "When I was traveling through with the Wentworths, we stayed at an inn very close to the Baltimore town square. I was very fond of the city! I think it was the first time I had felt happy in a while, as I realized that I was leaving Williamsburg and all of my troubles behind. Even though it was but just a few months ago, it feels like it has been years."

"Aye, I believe it. Things can change so rapidly." Ben thought back to the previous November, when he had made his desperate plea to the officials at the Asiatic company to give him a concrete position. He had been stuck at his childhood home, unable to raise the capital needed to marry Felicity and make a life for the two of them, not knowing what the best way forward would be.

"I almost feel like this is all a dream," confessed Felicity. "Any moment now, I will wake up in my childhood bedroom and have to face Mother's disapproval and the gossip of the town, or-," she gave a slight gasp, "Perhaps I will wake up and find that I am late for a promised visit with Joseph." She shuddered.

Ben gave her a smile, surprised that she seemed so spooked. Did she really believe this was all a dream? "So what if you do wake up? With all of the knowledge and experiences that you have gained while in this dreamworld, how will you proceed?"

"Run off to find where you are, for starters." Felicity said cheerfully. "Pen a manuscript about Jiggy Nye. Ask if your niece is in need of a governess. Simply stated, I would seek to recreate my experiences here!" She turned to face him. "And what about you? If you woke up in your childhood bedroom, the last few months just a dream, what would you do? How would you proceed?"

Ben considered this. It was his instinct to just repeat Felicity's sentiments back to her, that he would just seek to re-create the present day that the two of them found themselves in. But, the reality that he would be leaving soon for Europe weighed on his mind. "I'm not entirely sure. I would of course wish for all of this to be real, but I don't know what I could do differently to avoid leaving you alone here for the next year and a half, two years."

"You wouldn't need to avoid it." Felicity said. "While I regret that you are leaving and I will miss you terribly, perhaps it was the price to pay to have things work out for us." She grinned at him, "and come now! I am not a little girl that must not be left alone! Why, I should see it as you are being cast out into the great wide world, a little boy all alone! In this case, I should be the one fretting on about the matter!"

Ben felt a bit of relief at her words. "I'm heartened that you take it so well. Perhaps I should have originally told you of my travels while we were on a long ride such as this!" He indeed wondered if the influence and prospect of the wild outdoors were influencing her good cheer. A glance over assured him that she still had the same giddy expression on her face.

He made an attempt to return her smile, but he knew it was a poor one. He would be leaving her again, just as he did more than a year prior. Sure, there was a return date this time, but the end conclusion was still the same. He thought back to their previous sad, secret farewell, as Felicity had laid her head on his chest and spoke with her words of anguish and uncertainty. He instinctively cast his gaze downward, looking at Rosie's mane bobbing up and down as she walked.

Felicity must have noticed his change in expression. "Please, Ben, don't look so sad. Yes, you are leaving, but we must not dwell on it. Let us be happy and fully enjoy this time together. Please?"

Ben looked up at her. She was still smiling, but the expression in her eyes was imploring him to look beyond the reality that they faced, and just simply enjoy this time. He watched her, and put a few thoughts together, re-focusing his mind. _You have the ground beneath you, the sky above you, the road ahead of you, and Felicity at your side. She wants you to be happy, and it will be so._

He smiled at her. "Absolutely."

….

" _Screee….clickclickclick…_."

Felicity cracked her eyes open, seeing the early morning light breaking through the trees. The smell of the forest was in the air; damp earth and green moss, pine needles and bark pitch. The birds were already awake, calling to one another with alternating patterns of squawks and clicks.

She turned her head and shifted within her dense bedroll, seeing the stone ring and charred remains of last night's fire. Across the way laid Ben, asleep in his bedroll, his face still and silent. It was the beginning of their fourth day on the road, and the third morning that she had woken up under the adequate shelter of a hasty lean-in structure.

Perhaps it was still a bit early, and she would not have otherwise awoken if not for that one especially noisy scrubjay. She rolled back onto her side and closed her eyes, intending to drift back into sleep but instead thought back to events of the three previous days. Their travels together were exactly as she had dreamed about, and perhaps even more. The King's Highway was like a living, breathing entity, flush with other travelers, their numbers growing dense when they were close to cities, and more sparse the further away they were from any kind of settlement. Sometimes they found themselves alone on the road, and sometimes they wove through a larger party of travelers, passing the slower carriages and riding chairs carrying more well-to-do folks.

Ben had quickly informed her of the unspoken rules and guidelines of travel. On the road, they were just like everyone else. There was no harm in using their real first names, but beyond that, it was best to be vague. They were Ben and Felicity, heading from Philadelphia, traveling south to do whatever opportunity presented itself to them. Other travelers that they met also only went by their first names, and would skirt any follow-up questions regarding their destination, familial relations, and socioeconomic status. It was almost like a form of playful banter.

Felicity had briefly broken the code in response to a question posed by kind-faced woman as they neared the previous night's campsite, admitting that she and Ben were on their way to set an engagement. The woman had been sharing a saddle with what Felicity assumed was her husband, as she clutched their young child. In response, the husband had grinned at the two of them. _"Such unnecessary business!" He had scoffed, "Me and my wife are likely in the same situation, d'you think? Traveling to get married in front of a priest. Gotta do it right, says my mother. Figure we would play by her rules, be a nice thing to do while she is still around."_

Felicity had done her best not to look confused as she tried to decipher what exactly the man was saying. She decided that there would be nothing to lose by clarifying. _"So you are already married, but not in your mother's church?"_ she asked.

 _"Not in any church."_ The woman had said as her face took on a dreamy expression. _"We were married at the shoreline in the twilight hours, saying our vows to one another as the fireflies came out and the waves washing along the shore glowed with a strange light. It was a sign that God accepted us as Man and Wife."_

 _"My mother didn't speak to us for a couple-a years after what we had pulled,"_ the Man said _, "But now she sends a letter, telling us she is tired and old, and would like us to be married proper in a church. Her last wish, she put it. She was always good to me when I was a boy, and I don't hold a grudge."_

 _"Yes, I am looking forward to seeing your dear mother once again. I just hope she is not too cross at me."_ The woman said, glancing backwards at her husband. In response, he had released the reins with one arm and pulled her closer. _"If she does, me and you and little Maggie are out of there at the first light."_ He then had nodded at the two of them. _"My unsolicited advice is to skip all of the bloody formal stuff, and just get married."_

As she laid in her bedroll and replayed the conversation in her mind, she smiled at the memory. There had been an impulse within her to run off to Yorktown to seek out Ben; would this have been their story? The man and woman seemed plenty happy, now with their own child.

Now realizing that it was looking increasing unlikely that she would drift off again, she re-focused on Ben. The two previous mornings she had awoken to find that Ben already had a fire going, with a pot of water ready for coffee. Perhaps it was high time that she repaid the favor by getting up and beginning the preparations herself. She braced herself for the morning chill and unbuttoned her bedroll enough so that she could readily scoot out of it, then took a moment to adjust her loosened bodice before wrapping her cloak around herself.

She took another glance at the fireplace and noticed that it was completely wet. It must have rained at some point during the night, which would make building a fire difficult.

 _Hmmm….what to do?,_ she thought, kneeling down at the fire to stir the ashes, hoping to unearth a dry patch.

Above her, a scrub jay called out again, ending its screech with a series of clicks. That seemed to set off all of the birds within a half-mile radius. Somewhere in the distance a dog started barking, and Ben stirred in response to these combination of sounds. He rolled onto his back and cracked one eye open, squinting in the light to focus on her. "S'it morning?" He asked, voice raspy with sleep.

"It is!" Felicity said, happy to have him finally join her. "Unfortunately it rained last night, so I think we might have trouble getting a fire going. Otherwise I would have had coffee prepared by now." That last note was a bit of an exaggeration.

Ben sat up, pulling his knees to his chest and rubbing his eyes. "So no coffee then."

"Afraid not." Felicity replied. The more they talked about the hot beverage and its magical properties, the more she realized that she needed it. Clearly, this was a problem that needed to be remedied. "Whatever shall we do?"

Ben yawned and rubbed his face, finishing off the movement by smoothing his hair back. "Get some in Alexandria. I don't think it is far from here."

"Alright then." Felicity stood up and brushed the dirt off of her apron, then commenced rolling up her bedroll. She finished the task rather quickly, pulling the straps taut to keep the shape. As she was nearing completion, she realized that there was no similar activity coming from the other side of their little site. She turned and noticed Ben still sitting there, watching her with vacant, sleepy eyes.

"Come on then, time is wasting!" She grinned and knelt in front of him, shaking his shoulders. In response, he fell back over and shifted deeper into his bedroll so that only sign of him was a few strands of his hair.

"If you fall back asleep, I'm fetching a bucket of water. You know what happened last time…" She warned.

"You wouldn't dare." Ben's muffled voice came from within.

Felicity too knew that she wouldn't dare, but that didn't keep her from _some_ sort of retaliation. She stood up and collapsed onto Ben with all the force that her body weight could offer. The expectation was that he would react with some sort of shock, but there was nothing, almost like he had braced himself for a full on collision. Felicity laid on him a moment more, digging her heels into the ground in an effort to make herself heavier. Still, there was no response. A small note of warning appeared in her mind that he had a retaliation of his own and that she should get off and make her distance, but it was too late. His arms came forth and encircled her midsection, digging his fingers into her incredibly sensitive ribcage. She squealed with laughter and instinctively kicked, finally squirming free and rolled away to a safe distance.

Ben was laughing then, as he separated himself from his bedroll. "You've got to exercise a bit of caution when you go to wake up a bear."

Felicity fixed him with her best glare before conceding. "Well, at least I got you up! So, shall we move on?"

She stuck her hands out and Ben pulled her to standing. He didn't quite release her when it was clear that she was perfectly balanced, and instead, ran his hands up to her shoulders before circling his arms around her back and pulling her into a brief embrace.

They broke apart a moment later, then got to work cleaning up their campsite before continuing on their way.

…

Their "short" ride to Alexandria, as Ben had originally predicted, had stretched on for nearly four hours and by now the two of them were starving. Finally it looked as though they had made it, as the highway widened ahead of them. Alexandria was a fairly small town, but was rapidly growing as another port to the busy Potomac River. The buildings that lined the street were quite new, created to accommodate the travelers that came through. There were a number of taverns, inns, and general supply shops. Ben looked to Felicity to choose the place where they would hopefully get something to eat, and it only took a moment for her to select a brick building with raised flower beds decorating the window sills.

Ben squinted against the midday sun to read the sign hanging off of the tavern. "Gadsby's Tavern." He read slowly. "That's a friendly-sounding name."

"Glad we are in agreement." Felicity said as they led their horses to the hitching post. Ben noticed her clipped tone, and figured it was just the lack of a solid morning meal. The effects only dulled Ben's senses, but Felicity, he knew was prone to snappishness when she was lacking in sustenance.

Ben knew that they had for sure missed breakfast, but the midday menu was on. Roast chicken and potatoes! He strode towards the smiling hostess, wondering exactly how many minutes it would take between this moment, and the moment that a plate would be placed in front of him. After a brief exchange of the necessary pleasantries, the hostess waved for them to follow her. Ben started, then noticed that Felicity was not right behind him. He turned around, and saw that she was still lingering a short distances from the door, her hands close to her face as if she were thinking of covering it.

"Lissie? Are you coming?" Ben asked, trying to keep any irritation at bay. They were so close to obtaining food, what on Earth could be the problem?

Felicity blinked and looked about at the other patrons, then put her head down and scampered after them like an embarrassed child. Ben shook his head and let the hostess direct them to a table in the far edge of the establishment, then took her leave.

Ben pulled out a chair for Felicity, "Sit, and tell me just what is bothering you." He sat down across from her and folded his hands.

"Ben," Felicity started, as she pulled her cap so it was covering her hairline, "I know this sounds silly, but we can't just come in from four days in the wilderness and sit in such a fine establishment! I look completely awful! You look completely awful!"

"Thanks for the kind words." Ben said dryly. It had been several days since he last looked into a mirror and knew he had four days' worth of stubble on his face, but he didn't think _awful_ was the proper descriptive term to use. He studied Felicity, and despite the strands of hair that were escaping her cap and the streak of mud across her cheek, she looked just fine.

"I didn't mean it like that," Felicity said, as she unfolded and re-folded a napkin. "I just had completely forgotten about how dusty we are. It's strange to walk back into civilization. I wish that I had not selected this place."

"Well, we aren't leaving now." Ben said decidedly. He saw Felicity's face change as if she were set to argue, and he doubled down. "We would have been just fine to get some coffee and keep going, if it wasn't for the loss of all our food." Shortly after they had packed up their camp, they realized that in the rush of getting unpacked and getting some sleep after the previous nights' campfire dinner, they had forgotten to secure the food pack against scavenging wildlife. It had gone without mention of blame, but it ultimately had been Felicity's responsibility while Ben had gone to set up a lean-to.

Felicity blew a breath through her nose and put her head into her hands, apparently more frustrated with herself than she was cross at Ben. "Hey," he said, reaching for one of her hands, "These people are probably travelers just like us, and we will likely never see any of them ever again. And furthermore," he grinned at her as she looked up, "The hostess did seat us far away from everyone else. Perhaps she is of the same mind as you, but honestly, the devil may care!"

Felicity sighed. "I know, never thought I'd worry over my appearance. In fact, I don't know why I am so concerned over it right now. I…I'm really sorry that I forgot to secure the pack last night."

"Think nothing of it," Ben assured her. "It is probably just an effect of hunger. We will just pick up new supplies here in town." Truth be told, he was feeling quite alright with the mishap. They could sit down for a hot meal here, then go and get some fresh biscuits, some cheese, and just maybe, being a port town there might be some exotic fruits available. It would sure beat stale cornbread any day.

All thoughts of stale cornbread were then banished from his mind, as the hostess returned with two plates for them.

…..

Alexandria was the last city that Ben and Felicity would see for a good long distance, and now they were really into the wilderness. It was a surprise that they would start seeing some familiar faces in the folks also going the same route. They encountered the friendly man and his wife on not one but two occasions, who both gave a smile and a nod as they passed. There was a woman, some jolly old matriarch type that had a splendid soprano voice, a handful of folks who wanted to make sure that everyone they came across recognized Jesus Christ as the Lord and Saviour of mankind, a few others who were in deep denial that the Revolutionary War was now over, traveling merchants that carried goods from across the thirteen colonies, and of course, ordinary families that were traveling to visit family in different cities.

Then, there were the women travelers. Felicity didn't know if these women knew each other before they set upon the road, or if they just found one another along the way. But they clung together in full support and mutual protection of one another and all of the children. On occasion she and Ben would become separated for short periods of time if either Penny or Ben's mare, Rosie were feeling lazy. Then, she would often get approached by women travelers asking if she needed companionship and protection. The question was always the same, _"Sister, are you traveling alone?"_

There were also plenty of beggars on the road. Some of these were full adults, bedraggled and toothless men and women who traveled by foot, their gray hair poking out from underneath worn caps and often clutching bottles of their preferred drink. There were children among them, unruly, dirty and heartbreakingly barefoot. Ben had warned Felicity before they departed that it was never a good idea to give money to beggars, not even children. _"If the children are hungry, give some food, but never, ever give any money. 'Tis seemingly cruel, but if you are known to have money to give away, you become a target for thieves."_ He had said, then thought for a moment, _"Actually, if you are giving food, make sure that it is plain. No preserves or sweets. Having that to give up is just like saying you have the money to purchase such a thing."_

Felicity had fully understood Ben's reasoning, although it haunted her to deny she had any money to folks that obviously needed it. _There are churches, services in the towns for these people. They aren't going to starve if I deny them this one thing_ , she reminded herself. Still, it felt like there was some kind of divine pull at her heart when she shook her head at a little girl who had come up to her while Felicity had been stopped to adjust a buckle on her saddle. She had asked for a few pence in a high, thin voice, her hands cupped in Felicity's direction, with eyes tearing up in response to Felicity's apologetic denial.

"Wait, sweetheart, just a minute. Please, let me get you something that might help." Felicity dug in her purse and pulled out some chocolate, which she had purchased the previous day in Alexandria. She handed it to the girl, who snatched it away and after a quick inspection, took a bite, closing her eyes contentedly at the taste.

Felicity smiled at the little girl and prepared to mount Penny, but at that moment the little girl's mother seemed to appear out of nowhere. "Casey, what'dya got there?" She seized the girl by the wrist and wrenched what was left of the chocolate out of her hand to inspect it. "A sweet?"

The girl stared up at her with wide eyes and gave a slight nod. "Well then!", the woman said, fixing her eyes on Felicity. "What else d'you think you could spare my daughter and I? Been a long time since we eaten, and a few shillings would get us faster passage to Richmond. We got family there waitin' for us."

Normally Felicity would not have hesitated to open her pack once again, but the woman took a step towards Felicity, her hawk-like gaze not budging. Her hand was still tightly wrapped around the girl's wrist even as she was trying her best to edge away. Now feeling quite uncomfortable, she shook her head. "'Fraid not, Ma'am." She put a foot into one of Penny's stirrups and prepared to pull herself up into the saddle. "I wish you and your daughter fine travels, and best of luck in Richmond."

"Wait right there," the woman commanded. "I jus' want to know where you came upon such a fine piece of chocolate. Strange that you have this to just give away but no money." She tossed what was left of the chocolate onto the ground.

"'Twas a gift." Felicity said, now looking down the road in search of Ben. He had instructed Felicity to ride on ahead for a bit and pace back, as Penny had been showing signs of restlessness while Rosie had been content to plod along. At this point, Ben was nowhere to be seen. There were other travelers passing by, but no one was paying them any notice.

"'Twas a gift? Just a gift?" The woman scoffed. She had released the girl with a swift kick, prompting her to squeal and then scamper off. "Who gave it to you? A man? Men don't just give gifts like that to a tart like you!" She sneered, "Don't tell me you only accept chocolate as payment!"

Felicity knew that she didn't need to stay here, but her temper was flaring. "Payment for what? Pray, do tell me!"

"I been just like you, girl, so lookin' at me you see yer future!" The woman started ranting, "Now I'm warnin' you, my old man on the trail here will find you and cut you up good, then you won't be able to rely on yer pretty face to get by. He cut you jus' like this!" She pointed to the jagged scar running from the corner of her mouth to her ear, "Now one last warning, give it over!"

The lingering sense of pity that Felicity had felt for this woman had completely dissipated, as did her anger. She sighed, realizing that just being a woman alone, would carry the assumption that any money she received was through prostitution. "I've not got anythin' to give," she said, making sure her dialect was simple. "I wish you and your daughter and _your_ old man, wherever he is, the best of luck in your travels." She stuck her foot in Penny's stirrup and swung her leg over. "I should mention that I have a knife as well, and my old man on the trail here has a pistol, loaded and ready for discharge. Good day to you!"

The woman spat and cursed at her, but Felicity did her best to block the noise out as she nudged Penny in the sides, prompting her to head back on the road at a trot in search of Ben. She found him a mile back amongst a group of travelers as he led Rosie on by foot. "Lissie!" He grinned at her, "So glad to see you! My new friends and I have been practicing our singing!"

Felicity joined in with their variations of _Shady Grove_ , but a lingering sense of unease and guilt remained due to the outcome of the earlier scene.

….

The late afternoon had brought in continuous rain, so the decision was made to stop and set up camp so that there would be a chance to dry off and stay warm. Felicity had been uncharacteristically quiet for many hours, and when Ben had asked for her opinion on where they should set up camp, she had been strangely indecisive. "Is it better to be within earshot of other camps? Or further away, hidden from everyone?" She had asked.

"That all depends." Ben said, starting to catch on to Felicity's apprehensive state. "Are you concerned for your safety? What worries you more? Man or beast?"

Felicity shrugged, giving a quick shake of her head. "Perhaps both, or neither. Maybe we should just stay right here, within earshot of other camps."

"What are you concerned of? Did you hear something earlier?" Ben asked. He saw Felicity shrug her shoulders again as if to brush it off, but he interrupted her. "Lissie, if there is something that happened, 'tis best for me to know about it."

"'Nothing at all to worry over." Felicity said, "I just had an unpleasant run-in with a beggar woman after I gave her daughter a piece of chocolate. She demanded money and all but called me a whore when I denied her. Said she'd send her old man after me."

"Hm." Ben had warned Felicity not to be free with beggars, as in their struggle to get by, many of them were prone to dangerous and anti-social behavior. Felicity was looking at him apologetically, as if she knew that she had gone against his recommendation.

He would save her the lecture. "So, your first encounter with the riff-raff?" He joked.

Felicity's expression turned rather severe. "It's not funny. I felt so bad for that little girl. Her mother probably sets her up to ask, then watches and readies herself to exploit any acts of charity. And there was no kindness to be seen towards her daughter, she snatched the chocolate right out of her hand and gave the girl a kick. What a way to grow up, what a life!"

Ben had seen all sorts of beggars on the road, especially during the height of the war. He wondered if he should tell Felicity that there was a chance that the little girl had been taught to act especially helpless, and groomed to cower in fear. In the end, he decided to just try and steer her mind away. Of course, he knew that he had become desensitized to the plight of the desperately poor, and perhaps he should take a hint of kindness from Felicity.

He turned towards Felicity, who was securing Penny's rope to a tree to begin the preparations to bed down for the night. He decided to put her mind at ease, and to pledge to himself that he would do something to help. "There is a church in Richmond that devotes much time and money to aid in poor travelers. 'Twould be worth it to see and to donate money, if you feel you must help. I know that I will."

He stepped forward to secure Rosie's lead, and Felicity looked up at him as she was unbuckling the straps of her pack. "I would like that, yes."

At that point, the ever-present drizzle grew into a steady rain, the cold droplets soaking into the Earth. Ben hurried to prepare a small lean-to to stash their things underneath to avoid them getting wetter. As this process finished, Felicity quickly unrolled her bedding and scooted into it, not even pausing to loosen her stays. Ben watched her disappear into it as he prepared his own bedroll, then secured himself within and closed his eyes tight, hoping that sleep would faster bring a warm, dry morning.

His damp bedroll brought back memories of all the numerous times in which he would try to bed down for the night during the war. He knew that as miserable as the cold was, it did bring fatigue faster. He felt himself starting to drift off with the assurances to himself that the war was over, and he was camping out with the girl that he loved and would soon promise to marry.

The sudden sound of her whispered voice rang out. "Ben?" She called, and again. "Ben? Are you still awake?"

"I am." He whispered back. "Is everything alright?"

There was a second's pause. "Just a bit chilly. Are you sure we cannot have a fire?"

"Too damp." Replied Ben. "I'm sorry, Love. I've stashed some small firewood so that we might have one tomorrow morning if the rain stops."

He heard Felicity curse under her breath, and saw her shape change as she curled her knees up closer to her chest. "'Tis unfortunate that we do not have a dog to keep us warm. And, even more so that these bedrolls are too small to fit the both of us," she complained.

"Well," Ben thought quickly, coming to an obvious solution, "I think they can be buttoned together, can they not?"

There was a moment of silence from Felicity as she thought about the implications of this. He wondered if it had been too bold of a suggestion, but there was a slight giggle from her. "Of course we can try it, as there is no one here to stop us! But we will have to move quickly, the air is chilly!"

"Right." Ben agreed. They shuffled out of their respective bedrolls and Felicity got to buttoning the seams together so that it formed one double bedroll. Tucking themselves back into it proved to be a little awkward, but the end result was everything that Ben could've wanted and more. He and Felicity laid on their sides, facing each other for the briefest moment, before she rolled over to face away from him, scooting backwards so that her back was pressed against his stomach in a spooned position. She sighed happily, "Why did we not think about this earlier?"

"A severe oversight on our parts." Ben agreed, putting an arm around her and pulling her closer.

….

Ben woke up late the following morning, with the sun already positioned somewhere between ten and eleven o'clock in the bright morning sky. Sometime during the night he had shifted onto his back, and Felicity laid against him with her head upon his shoulder and an arm wrapped around his midsection. This brought him back to that one day long ago, when he and Felicity had lay together, just like this for the first time. He had felt whole and content at that moment, before realizing that Felicity had started to cry over the stress of calling it off with the physician.

 _And now, here we are. Who would have ever thought?_

He gave Felicity a little squeeze, which roused her from her own light sleep. She let out a little hum and held Ben tighter.

He wanted to continue to lay here just like this, wrapped up closely with Felicity, just the two of them alone and anonymous together. But he knew that their time was drawing short. They would reach Richmond today if they made good time, then it was only a day and a half to Yorktown. He knew that they were likely at least a day ahead of his mother and father, but either his sisters Sarah or Charlotte would likely be at the house and they would no longer be alone. Then, his parents would arrive, and on to Williamsburg they would go. They would then be surrounded by his family, her family, her friends…all the people that had their questions and assumptions and expectations…..

While he knew in his heart that he was ready to speak with Mr. and Mrs. Merriman and for everything else that Williamsburg would bring, but he didn't know how Felicity would cope with being plunged back into the life she had left behind her. All of these factors weighed on his mind, and made him appreciate the moment's peace all that much more.

He watched her as she slept peacefully for a moment more, but he knew that they needed to get a move on. He picked up his free arm and tapped lightly on her freckled nose. "Lissie? Up and at 'em."

She sighed again and lazily opened her eyes, then smiling as she focused on Ben. "Good morning!" He said cheerily. "Did you sleep well?"

"Exceptionally." Felicity said, rubbing her eyes. "But now how do we get ourselves out of this?"

"Same way we got in." Ben said. "I'll go first." He scooted to the edge of the bedroll and sat up, then unbuttoned it partially so Felicity could follow.

Stashing away firewood proved to be a good practice, as the ground was just barely dry enough for a fire. And now that there was a fire going, there would be a hot breakfast. Ben fetched a pot of water from a nearby stream, and returned to see Felicity laying out the contents of the food pack. There were things they had purchased, like preserves, sweets, oranges, coffee and biscuits, things they had gathered including berries and onions, and things they had traded for like jerky and pemmican.

Felicity looked up at him as he placed the pot of water right into the fire. "Perhaps the pemmican can be turned into a stew? Can't say I've ever tried it before."

"I don't see where you would have." Ben replied. Pemmican was a rough substance, comprised of animal muscle, fat, and grease. It was eaten for sustenance, not for pleasure. It was considered to be a rare treat when he was in the army, as just a small amount of it would quell any hunger pangs for three whole days. But now, he regarded it suspiciously. Felicity had been thrilled to acquire it and excited to try it despite his reservations.

"Yes." She said mostly to herself. "I'll boil it with onions and rock salt, and we can have it with biscuits. Does that sound fine to you?" She looked at Ben, who was barely able to hide his grimace. In response, she grinned and tossed a stick at him. "Come on, just trust me! It will be great!"

Ben nodded slowly, amused by her enthusiasm but wondering how he was ever going to put down something as foul as pemmican stew. He reminded himself that Felicity was an excellent cook, and perhaps she would achieve the impossible.

He then pulled out their map and got to work calculating the route they would take that day, taking occasional glances in the direction of the cooking pot whenever he would hear Felicity curse under her breath. Finally she set back on her heels and tossed back her hands. "Not much more I can do with it. Don't blame you if you pass." She looked at him apologetically as he came closer, and peered into the pot. There was a layer of brown foam near the top, intermixed with chopped onions and other unknown floating debris. He took the spoon and stirred the deceptively thin contents, noticing an oily sheen clinging to the handle. Steam rose from the surface, filling Ben's nostrils with the smell of suet. He swallowed as to not be too overwhelmed.

"It's like nothing I've ever worked with before." Felicity said, a resigned tone to her voice, "It wouldn't cook, and then it suddenly broke and melted. I added a ton of salt, because I know at the very least, salt does well at masking foul flavors."

Ben was very thankful that Felicity had taken it upon herself to fix a hot and hearty meal, but at this moment, the best thing to do was to get this over with. He took a bowl and spooned some of the swampy brown liquid into it and waited for it to cool. Next to him, Felicity hesitated, then did the same.

Once it was cool enough to try, Ben mentally braced himself, then tipped the bowl back. It was not….well, it was not magnificent by any means, but it was not terrible either. It was all salt and grease, the kind of meal that a soldier would kill for in the dead of winter. He swallowed another mouthful, then turned towards Felicity. She was watching him expectantly, her nose wrinkled ever-so-slightly at the fact that he was managing to get it down. He shrugged. "Not bad at all."

Felicity took a sip and winced, glaring at her bowl as if the stew would know of her displeasure. "Not bad at all? Are you daft? It's completely awful!" She gasped.

Ben grinned. "Not sure what you were expecting from a concentrated lump of animal roughage."

"You like it?" Felicity looked at him incredulously.

"Well enough." Ben said. "It does what it needs to do. Any hardened traveler would be thankful for a meal like this." He gave her a pointed look before taking another mouthful.

Felicity took a deep gulp of it and cringed. She then leaned her head back and tipped the bowl towards her so that she might get it down as fast as possible. He noticed that her eyes were watering as her throat bobbed, and he burst into laughter at her efforts to get it over with. "Lissie, stop. You don't need to make yourself sick over this."

She didn't stop until the bowl was empty, putting it down with triumph as she placed a hand delicately over her mouth as if to keep her stomach down. "Tell me Benjamin, am I not a seasoned traveler by now?"

He noticed the corners of her mouth turning up slightly, and he grinned. "If I had any doubts before, and I promise you that I did not, this shows that you are indeed the most hardened of travelers."

Felicity wiped her mouth with the back of her hand and grinned triumphantly.

…

They were now a day out of Richmond, and since then there had been nothing but miles of tree-lined roads. Felicity continued to make sure that she was savoring every moment of it. There had been flickering thoughts where she had laid upon the ground and dreamed of a warm bed, bitten into a bit of cornbread and wished it were a freshly-baked roll, or felt the rain coming down and wanted to be indoors, sitting by a hearth. But all she had to do to quell these moments was to remind herself that in less than a week she would be back in Williamsburg, forced to adhere to the myriads of societal rules and customs. To add to this trouble, there were the clothes. She imagined tightly laced stays cinching down upon her waist, and the yards of starched petticoats that she would be susceptible to tripping over. To add to this, there was the prospect of actually seeing all of the people that had enforced these societal rules and restrictions. This was a whole other can of worms that she did not want to think about right now.

She let herself take a deep breath to rid of the nervous feeling that thoughts of Williamsburg provoked, feeling her lungs expand unrestricted and blew the breath out, very much unhindered. Her stays were still laced up of course, but only very loosely, providing support as she rode. This forest was sacred, and would not be sullied with unpleasant thoughts.

She glanced over at Ben, who was likewise still and quiet as he rode on. He met her gaze and smiled, tilting his face to the sky. "Lovely weather," was all he said before slipping back into silence.

Felicity grinned back at him as she wondered if he were having these same thoughts. Was he nervous about speaking with Mother and Father? The last time he had seen them was as they were banishing him away and back to Yorktown. But, they had both wished for him to return and seek out her hand, so….it was all terribly confusing.

She glanced over at Ben again, and saw no trace of nervousness about him. He was likely just enjoying the day, the ride, their surroundings as she was. She continued to watch him, studying his profile. He had made an attempt to shave the previous night, using a bowl of warm water, a small cake of soap, and his sharpened blade. _"Sure brings back some pretty bad memories,"_ he had said. When Felicity had asked why he bothered, he had simply said that his face itched.

Now, she couldn't deny that he looked as handsome as ever with a small bit of stubble. Although, it was a little disappointing to realize as they both laid together in their double bedroll that Ben was now rather uncomfortable to kiss due to the roughness of his face. Another cruel trick of nature!

Ben's voice took her away from her thoughts, "There is a fork in the road up ahead, and a sign!" He pointed at an object in the distance, and Felicity looked ahead. These signs served to point as directions to small villages, and often had maps, notes from travelers, advertisements. Felicity remembered her still new-found hobby of collecting heartfelt letters written by anonymous souls. She grinned, hoping there would be some sort of new insight to gain, a life to look into and speculate about. Having grown up in a decent-sized city, Felicity often wondered about everyday life in these quaint villages. The few towns they had passed by had been completely charming, and she wondered if this one was close enough to warrant a short detour.

They rode off the road to see about the sign, Felicity jumping down from Penny and leading her forward. Next to her, Ben did the same. It appeared rather busy, with small items and notes attached up and down the posts. Dried flowers and small crosses were scattered about the ground, almost as if it were a shrine of some sort.

A feeling of unease rose within Felicity as she walked closer, realizing that the name of the town was obscured by a second board of wood roughly nailed over it. She ran closer, and saw that the word QUARANTINED was painted in a large white script. Her eyes darted down to a notification pinned underneath, and read it aloud.

5 NOVEMBER 1782

BURROUGH OF RUTGERS GLEN

QUARANTINED TO STOP THE SPREAD OF TYPHOID FEVER EPIDEMIC

ENTER AT YOUR OWN PERIL

The notice was from November, nearly six months ago. Felicity's eyes darted back down to the various items littered at the base of the sign, realizing that the more fragile of them, the flowers and paper notes were in a state of decay. Was this town still under quarantine? When would the fever run its course? Was there no longer a soul left to remove the sign and alert the outside world that it was over? Her breath caught in her throat as she continued to stare at the notice.

"We had best continue on." Ben's soft voice came from beside her, as he reached out a hand to touch her shoulder.

"Right." Felicity replied, as she glanced ahead at the fork in the road, seeing the empty road that led to the doomed town. She squinted her eyes, trying to see beyond the ghost-like mist that covered the road in the distance.

Ben took her hand, and she let him lead her back to where Penny and Rosie were waiting.

….

"Don't look at me." Felicity commanded to Ben as he watched her, bewildered at her actions. She had previously been sprawled on the ground, stretching her toes and fingers as far away from one another as they could go. Now she had pulled her knees up to her chest and was rocking back and forth like a ladybug stuck upside down.

Then it clicked. "Is your back aching?" Ben asked. They had now been on the road for nearly two weeks with nary a complaint from Felicity. For someone who had only gone on rides no longer than an afternoon, Felicity had shown that she was indeed up for the challenge. He turned away, now realizing the extent of the stiffness in his own back.

"Aye, admittedly." Felicity said. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw her sit up and roll her shoulders back. "I swear, if Mother or Father or Nan saw me doing just that I'd be on my way to the asylum."

"We won't be on the road much longer, Love. Yorktown is only a day and a half away." Ben said, turning back to her with a smile. "It will be nice to stay in one place and just rest. We are likely a few days ahead of Mother and Father, so we can be complete layabouts. Won't it be grand?" He was already dreaming of a real bed, and real food, cooked indoors and served on a plate.

"Aye, it does sound grand." Felicity smiled at him, almost wistfully. She then sighed and examined her dirt-stained fingernails.

Ben sat down cross-legged in front of her. "Are you feeling alright? What is on your mind?"

Felicity shook her head. "I'm fine, absolutely fine. I just feel….different." Her face had taken on a thoughtful expression, "what is the word I am looking for? Perhaps strong? Yes. I remember you warning me that my back might start to ache, but it's nothing that cannot be fixed by a few ground-stretches. I feel healthy, and good, of the soundest mind and body. Like I could rest in Yorktown with you for a few fine days, then get on the road again and ride down to New Orleans!"

Ben whistled. "New Orleans. Would that be a thing!" He ignored the old, insecure pang in his chest that pointed out Felicity's failure to specify that she wished to travel to New Orleans with him. He pressed on. "The road to New Orleans is likely not as straightforward as the King's Highway. I'd advise you not to go alone."

"Of course not." Felicity said, flashing him a smile. "I am taking you with me. But I know that it is not to be, not at this time. We have our great destinies to meet. You must sail your way to Europe and make a name for yourself, and I must….," she faltered, smiling in spite of herself, "I must try to reacquaint myself with my hometown, and bridge the gap between the person I was when I left, and the person I am now as I return. I don't mean to sound dramatic about it, but it has been on my mind."

"Hmm." Ben considered her words, "You know your family better than anyone, and you also know yourself better than anyone. I think you just need to be yourself, and ensure your mother and father that you are capable of carrying full control of your life." He thought back to his own petulant and sullen behavior that he had put towards his father in the wake of his chronic spell of unemployment. He had read his father's reaction at that time as pure disappointment and disproval, but now he recognized there was worry that set above all else. Samuel Davidson had but wanted his only son to flourish.

"Of course. And I am fully prepared to do just that. It is just that…compared to the life I have lived these past two weeks, it is going to be very difficult to adjust to proper manners!" With that, Felicity stood up and brushed the dirt off her hands onto her equally-dusty skirts and gathered her pack. Ben followed her lead, and adjusted Rosie's saddle in preparation to getting back on the road.

They continued on in thoughtful silence, weaving their way through a group of nondescript travelers with smiles and greetings before moving through a comparatively empty stretch of road. The past three days had been warm and sunny, and Ben was thankful for it. Rain was all well and normal, but it did make everything rather inconvenient.

He glanced over at Felicity, noting that she too was enjoying the day despite her earlier complaints. A smile passed over his face as he realized that the brief two evenings of rain that they saw indeed had their good purpose, enticing them to button the two bedrolls together so that they may sleep in each-others arms. To Ben, it had felt so natural that he didn't know why they hadn't thought of it earlier.

 _Out here, there is no one to tell us that it is not proper._

And now, he didn't know how he was going to go back to sleeping alone. Maybe he too should cherish the short time they had left on the road before entering back into civilization.

His thoughts drifted once again towards Williamsburg, and more specifically, the difficulties that plagued Felicity in the weeks leading up to her departure. He hoped that his presence there with her helped to resolve a few issues, and if not, then he hoped at the very least he would take some of the blame off of her.

And that led him to a question that had flickered in and out of his mind on occasion.

"Lissie?" He asked, "may I ask you a question?"

Her brows knitted together, "Ask away."

"Will you be calling upon Elizabeth while we are Williamsburg?" He hoped that she took this question at its face value.

Felicity gave him a light smile. "I plan on it, yes. I wrote her a letter shortly before we left Philadelphia, informing her of our travels and telling her that I wish to see her."

Ben thought about how to ask this delicately, "Will that…will everything be okay between the two of you?"

Felicity frowned a little, thinking about it. "I imagine so, I mean that her letters towards me have been very reconciliatory. I also get the feeling that she is very lonely, and struggling to accept her new life. I hope to bring her some comfort."

Ben suddenly had the thought of the Elizabeth he had known years back, a timid, petite girl that hid in Felicity's shadow. While she had become onto herself as the years passed, he imagined that she did not deal well with change. And married to that blowhard physician, why, he could see perfectly that there would be some issues. He suddenly felt deep sympathy for poor Elizabeth.

"Ben?" Felicity's voice broke him out of his sympathy, "Would you please keep what I have told you in confidence? I'm sure that Elizabeth only meant those words for me."

"Of course." Ben said.

They walked in silence for a few more minutes, before Felicity spoke up. "What about you? Will you be calling on any friends back in Williamsburg? Walter or Will perhaps? I wouldn't mind seeing those two again!" She grinned, presumably full of memories.

"I do plan on seeing Will of course, but Walter is not in Williamsburg at this time. Or at least I don't think he is." Ben said, thinking back to the news he had hear from Will.

"Oh yes…," Felicity said slowly, trailing off, "I remember that I had gone to seek him out, but he had left and his uncle would not tell me where he had gone. Ben-," her expression had gone to worry, "Did you ever find out his whereabouts?"

"Get this," Ben gave Felicity a half-smile, "Will told me that Walter had up and left with no warning, and no trace. Everyone was just as confused as you were. Then, three months later the family gets a note from Walter, saying that he took off for the western frontier. Can you imagine?" He shook his head and grinned at Felicity.

He had expected Felicity to be awed at this news, but she only looked confused. "He just up and left? Where exactly was his letter postmarked from?"

"Ah, I don't know. Will did not say in his letter." Ben replied.

"You did not ask?" Felicity said, her brows knitting together.

Ben sighed, knowing what Felicity was getting at. "I did not. I had other things on my mind-," he knowingly nodded at Felicity, "-and Will explicitly mentioned that Walter was happy. So I'll take that at face value."

"Well, what do you think he is doing?" Felicity pressed him.

Ben shrugged. "I rightly don't know, of course. Maybe he is stationed at some fort along the Cumberland Gap, and taken a native girl to be his bride. How can I know, Lissie?"

"Do…do you have a wish to know?" Felicity looked almost hurt, "Like Elizabeth, Walter is too a childhood friend of yours! I would most certainly wish to know!"

"I do." Ben responded quietly, now giving the matter some coherent thought. "But, 'tis very complicated. In his letter, Will alluded to the thought that Walter was having some difficulties with what he experienced fighting in the war. I know that he saw quite a bit more action than I did…, so much death and carnage. We traded stories and I was always so shocked at how calmly he spoke about it all. I always marveled at his strength of character, and now I know that he too had a limit. It….," Ben paused, "It perhaps makes a great deal of sense that he began to find ordinary life in Williamsburg unbearable. So he wished for a few life, and took to the wilderness and the quiet that it brings. I am surprised, yes. But it is possible to keep the more raging internal thoughts from escaping to the outside world."

Felicity was silent for a moment more. "Aye, now it all makes sense to me. I apologize for my callousness. I hadn't thought about it." She swallowed heavily, her throat bobbing. "The carnage. I remember reading the confirmed list of dead, every single day. There were so many names that I cannot even begin to think about the vast number that could not be identified. And I was living a relatively comfortable, safe existence. I just cannot imagine." She shuddered. "And Walter always seemed just fine, so in-control of his life. I hadn't any clue he was suffering."

"He was a good confidant and a voice of reason to me." Ben gave her a reassuring smile. "I hope you understand that the last thing I want to do is to go poking around in search of Walter's new life. Perhaps seeing me, and my connections to that terrible time would shatter any peace that he has found. Of course I would be happy to receive any letters or words by other means from him, but I leave it up to him."

Felicity suddenly looked as though she were going to cry. Ben swallowed thickly as he mentally buried all of the childhood friends that had gone missing in the war, and hoped with all his heart that Walter was indeed happy, wherever he was.

….

The two of them made their final camp a little earlier than usual, with the late afternoon sun filtering through the trees. By Ben's estimate, they were only about thirty miles from Yorktown and there was no need to push further on. Setting up the camp was now a daily ritual, as Felicity unpacked and unfurled the bedrolls and supplies for supper as Ben prepared a lean-to shelter and a campfire.

Felicity was arranging equal portions of biscuits and jerky as she watched Ben carefully strike a bit of flint to start the initial flame. "Now that I think about it, perhaps you should have let me start the campfire and prepare the shelter while you organized dinner," she commented.

"Hm." Ben sat back on his heels as he studied the growing flame, "perhaps, yes. This is all a good skill to have, but perhaps you should have spoken up earlier." He grinned at her. "Were you hoping that I would organize and divide up the food?"

"I'm afraid 'tis not a difficult task." Felicity looked down upon their rather meager food rations. By now, she knew that one thing was certain, that anytime she and Ben got ahold of new supplies, they paid no mind to rationing, instead choosing the short term pleasure of eating like royalty and leaving the scraps for the following days.

"It all looks decent enough to me." Ben smiled at her. "We will be eating well tomorrow night, remember? We can prepare some hot water for tea and also peel the figs that you gathered just yesterday."

They settled down for their simple supper, and soon the evening descended with the damp chilliness that Felicity was now fully accustomed to. She clutched her mug of tea, letting the feel of the hot metal permeate the roughened skin on her hands. Next to her, Ben set his mug down and took a flask of rum out of his pocket.

Just the sight of it made Felicity's stomach churn with the memories of her rum-soaked walk with Ben. But, she took a deep breath and willed the physical discomfort away, wanting to be able to remember the night with happiness.

Ben held out the flask to Felicity, but she merely grinned and shook her head. He took a swig of it as she tried to hold back her noticeable grimace. He replaced the cap with an apologetic expression in response to her discomfort, "Still can't bear the thought of it? I'm rather disappointed," he joked.

"I don't think I can ever bear the taste of it again," she admitted. "Perhaps that is a good thing."

Ben merely gave her a sympathetic look.

As the fire died down, the two of them retreated into their double bedroll for the night. Felicity knew that she was not yet tired, but lying in Ben's arms for what would likely be the last time in the ever-distant future took precedence.

"Ben?" She spoke up as she rested her head upon his shoulder, "I want to thank you for giving me this opportunity to travel like this across the vast land. I really…I always imagined doing this, being so wild and free but I never had a cohesive plan to do so. This has been all so…so perfect."

"Of course, love. But, were you not planning on stealing away to Philadelphia without your parents' blessing?" Ben reminded her, an amused lit to his voice.

"In my half-crazed state, perhaps!" Felicity said. "Truly though, thank you for taking me. This ride has been a challenge, and I am thankful that you trusted and believed in me. For all you know, I could have made your life miserable this whole time!"

"I knew who I was asking." Ben said. "I can't imagine taking the same journey with Nan, or even William. I know for sure they would be miserable and easily letting on to it!"

Felicity knew that Ben was joking, but she decided to give it some thought. "In all honestly, I'm pretty sure Nan would bear it with calmness. She doesn't like to let on that she is feeling discomfort or weakness. I'm sure she would ride tall with a smile even while covered in grime, denying a severe saddle-sore affliction! But I'm sure she would try to avoid the situation to begin with."

She then imagined William, who was all too prone to loudly and repeatedly voice his discomfort. She was about to open her mouth and proclaim this, but Ben spoke up first. "You are smiling. Is it because you are looking forward to seeing your siblings again?"

"I am." Felicity was suddenly inundated with memories of dear Nan, William, and Polly, and she felt a deep thrill within her belly at the thought that she would be seeing them within the week.

"I too am looking forward to seeing them again. It's been far too long." Ben mused. "I am also looking forward to greeting your mother and father again. Perhaps I will start feeling nervous as I stand in front of the Merriman home, but for now, I am looking forward to it all."

Felicity's thoughts went to Mother and Father, and she paused as she considered her feelings upon seeing them again. She did miss them, and there was a deep desire in her heart for them both to welcome her back to her childhood home with smiles and embraces. But, whether or not she would get it was of great uncertainty. She remembered the constant, deep disproval written on her mother's face that had been a constant fixture the entire year leading up to her departure, and hoped that the time apart would heal that. She was to be married to a fine young man, one that her family had known for years, and now had a respectable job and a promising future! That had to count for something, right? Isn't that what her mother and father always wanted for her?

"Ben?" She spoke up again, hoping to voice her concerns on the matter.

Her reply was merely a half-conscious "hm?" from Ben. Despite their decision to retire early so that they may take this last opportunity to lay in each others' arms and talk, Ben had up and fallen asleep.

Felicity smiled and put an arm around his midsection, holding him tighter. She then made the decision that there was only one direction in life to go, and that was forward. Tomorrow she and Ben would arrive in Yorktown, and then a day or two later would travel on to Williamsburg. This, in conjunction with their journey through the wilderness was all but one great big journey, and she knew she would continue to face whatever came next with courage and love and truth to who she was.

…

A/N:

1) Long time between updates! I got a new job that has very different hours, and now I find that my new sleeping schedule conflicts with my peak writing hours. Hopefully I'll adjust to it all soon.

2) This chapter is inspired by my own solo travels across the United States and abroad. It's a big world out there.

3) Next up, back to civilization and manners and decent beds!


	26. Chapter 26

**Author's note:** There are mature themes in this chapter. Sorry to all the kids, and the kid-like adults.

….

Felicity sat in front of the mirror and stared upon herself, not quite recognizing the face that looked back at her. It was strange, really strange, how she could forget her own face so easily after not having looked into a mirror for two weeks! She had originally dreaded seeing her reflection, as the dusty road, the rain, and the sunshine as glorious as they were, for sure would have wreaked havoc upon her complexion. And Felicity knew deep-down that vanity was indeed one of her many vices.

All of these things considered, her reflection was not all that terrible. A fine layer of dust had settled upon her face, darkening her eyebrows and settling into the fine creases below her eyes, making her look a bit older than she actually was. She had a few more freckles than she remembered due to being out in the sun for such a prolonged time, although thankfully not as many as she had when she was still a child.

She untied her cap and pulled it off, taking care not to pull out any strands of coppery-red hair that may have gotten tangled, placing it into a basket that would soon hold all of her trail-dusty clothing. She then fixated on her hair. By the end of the first week, she had decided not to bother with brushing and re-braiding it, and now it was a tangled and matted mess that hung down her back. It would be a tall order to sort it out now, needing more than a bit of pomade and warm water to be able to put a comb through it.

She undid the ties to her gown and stays that she had worn straight for the past two weeks and lowered them to the ground. There, she glanced in the mirror once again to get a look at her shift. The places where it had been exposed were a dingy brown color, while the parts that had been protected by her outerwear were still a clean (but not _too_ clean!) eggshell white. The cuffs and hems were filthy, and when she held them up for closer examination, she saw how dirty her hands and fingernails were.

A glance behind her saw the copper bathtub, full of steaming hot water and lavender oils. A small cake of soap and a washcloth sat on a table nearby. This was the moment that she had dreamed about in the back of her mind, how _delicious_ it would be to relax in a hot bath and scrub away the grime of the road. And now that she was here, she felt a bit of a rather sentimental hesitation. It was almost symbolic, how she would remove her grubby, trail-worn shift, step into a bath, and polish away the sour and the roughness that remained and emerge once again into the form of a proper lady.

Well, at least to the best of her ability.

She sighed and did not bother to suppress a smile at herself. She wasn't losing anything here, and there was no need to be silly about it. The shift came off and she stepped in the tub, goosebumps prickling her transiently-exposed skin at the contrasting temperature of water and air.

Any residual feelings of sentiment vanished completely as she sank down into the hot water, her thoughts practically sliding towards ecstasy as she took a breath before submerging herself completely. While underwater, she took her hands and ran them along her scalp, imagining that she was sweeping away layers of dust. When her lungs threatened to close in on themselves, she came up for air and leaned against the backboard of the tub and did not move. There was simply nothing she needed to do, and no place she needed to be.

She and Ben had arrived in Yorktown just after noon, after riding the final two hours of their fourteen-day journey. The two of them had stopped by his sister's home briefly to fetch the key, then had ridden on to his childhood home. After they arrived, Felicity had taken it upon herself to unsaddle and brush down Penny and Rosie, and Ben had gone to fetch the Davidsons' hired man to prepare baths for the both of them. And now here she was, in the Davidsons' large, handsome home. She straightened her legs out so that her toes were now visible out of the water, and wiggled them just a bit to make sure that they were still attached and working properly.

The water had cooled off just a bit, and she got to work soaping herself down before it would turn lukewarm. As she did this, the realization came to her how hardened the muscles in her belly and legs felt. She knew that travel by horseback was physically demanding, but she did not realize that it would shape her to this extent, even just after two weeks. Perhaps she had gotten a little soft in Philadelphia!

She had saved the final challenge of her hair for last. Thankfully, there was a wide-tooth comb for her to use, and she got to work slathering pomeade and grease though it, then pulling the comb through while underwater. Nearly an hour and a great deal of hair later, she finally was able to get all of the snarls out, pledging to herself that she would take the time to comb and re-braid it everyday from here on out. She did a final rinse to remove the excess grease from her hair, then stood up and grabbed a towel before the chill of the air got to her.

When she was sufficiently dry enough, she put on a clean shift and smoothed it down past just below the knee. Next came her stockings, tied on with simple garters. Then, she glanced over and saw a clean skirt, and her extra set of stays that would go over her shift and tied to their fullest extent that her ribcage would allow. Now that she was back in civilization, it was to be expected.

Instead of dutifully reaching for these restrictive articles of clothing, she straightened up and stared at herself. The shift that she wore was shapeless, but exposed her collarbone and décolletage well. And yet, despite its lack of form, the shape of her breasts and their lack of proper binding were quite apparent, as was the new leaness of her body under the sheer article.

She heard a bit of movement downstairs, and figured that Ben had finished his bath and was now rummaging around in the kitchen, aiming to spoil his appetite before their planned dinner with his sister and her family three hours from now.

A wicked thought crossed her mind. What if she were to wander downstairs, pretending to think that there was no one about? What would Ben think if he saw her in such a state of wanton undress? She grinned to herself and tossed her damp hair about her shoulders in what she hoped was an appealing manner, and boldly started on her way.

 _In Amsterdam there lived a maid_

 _And she was mistress of her trade….._

She pressed her lips together in an effort to keep from giggling as she crept downstairs, feeling the plush carpet against her bare toes. If there was any luck at all, perhaps Ben was also in a similar state of undress. Perhaps he felt that the need for a snack outweighed proper dressing. Then again, Ben was not self-conscious. When the summer heat blazed she would often see him just dressed in a loose tunic and breeches with no stockings when he was about the house.

There was the sound of a crate hitting the floor, and cupboards opening and closing. There was no way she could pretend that she assumed the kitchen were empty with all the noise, but it was far too late to turn back from this encounter. She felt a grin spread across her face, and stepped across the doorway.

It only took a split second to realize that the person in the kitchen was not Ben, but a young man that she did not recognize. She clapped her hand over her mouth and hoped that he had not heard her, but alas, she was caught.

He whipped around and blinked, staring in shock, and Felicity instinctively crossed her arms in front of her breasts. Her mind told her to positively flee, but her bare feet were rooted to the ground. Mind racing, she sought to follow her next instinct, which was to stand ramrod straight and control this terribly awkward situation.

"Oh, I beg your pardon. I thought I was alone here," she said with calm, her arms still crossed at her chest and hoping to God that her shift was not _too_ sheer, "I hope I did not startle you."

The young man opened his mouth and closed it, then cleared his throat. His words seemed to fail him, and his cheeks flushed with embarrassment as he looked her up and down, then averted his eyes.

"I am Felicity Merriman, Ben's fiancée. Or, at least I hope to be soon!" Felicity laughed, forcing herself to feel amused at his reaction. "And who might you be?"

The young man finally found his words. "I,-ah, I beg your pardon, Miss. I am Henry….er, Ben is my uncle. I think you met my Ma earlier?" He cleared his throat. "She asked if I would help Ben get some groceries for dinner. Was just putting everything away while Ben got himself cleaned up."

Ah yes. This youth was Charlotte's eldest. Ben said that he had recently turned fifteen, and was studying for admission into Yale College. "Henry. I am pleased to make your acquaintance." She studied him, looking for any sort of family resemblance to Ben and his parents. He had dark hair that was nearly black. Perhaps he looked a bit like Samuel? Then again, he could have looked like his own father, whom Felicity had never met.

"Likewise, Aunt Felicity." He spoke up, and Felicity realized he had completely turned to face her, seemingly having gotten over his shock. He was still flushed, but was now regarding her with more boldness.

Felicity felt her skin start to prickle underneath her thin shift, and she decided to end this encounter before she lost the proverbial upper hand. "Well, I apologize again for startling you. I'll be back on my way upstairs to attend to a few things." _Like putting on clothes._

Henry took up an apple and bit into it, and Felicity could have sworn that he winked at her. "'Tis no problem at all, Auntie." He grinned at her as he chewed, a look of merriment upon his face.

Felicity turned around, feeling her face heat up like a flame. She let her arms fall to her sides as she drifted back up the stairs, now allowing herself to feel the full mortification due to her actions. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw the closed door to Ben's room. If only she had thought to knock and see if he was inside first, before foolishly heading downstairs to display herself to his teenaged nephew!

But, would she have gone in, knowing that he was likely to be taking a bath?

 _No_ , she decided now, _this was too bold_. _You are back in civilization now, and 'tis time to be proper._

….

According to Ben, this had the beginnings of a perfect plan. He and Felicity would have a day or two in Yorktown to themselves before his mother and father arrived. After this, there would not likely be a time for them to have to themselves until…well, perhaps until they were married.

Of course they had nearly a full two weeks to themselves as they traveled through the wilderness. That had been entirely well and good and wonderful, but there was something to be said about having a home to themselves, with complete and total privacy, able to do whatever they wanted.

He felt his face go slightly flushed with that last thought, the full implications of it not being hidden from him. Perhaps it was for the best that his sister Charlotte had insisted on holding a large family dinner. She and her family had been keeping the house while their mother and father were in Philadelphia, so why would they leave now?

Ben sighed. The base part of him knew that it most certainly would not be for the best. Charlotte knew exactly what she was doing. And really, he knew that he should not be cross at the thought of spending time with her and her family.

He swept his hair back and tied it securely, then headed towards the stairs. On the way there, he saw the door to Felicity's room open, and heard her voice. As he crept closer, it became apparent that she was outright muttering to herself.

This was quite out of the ordinary. He rapped lightly on the door. "Lissie? Everything alright?"

There was silence for a moment, before she called back, "Ben? Is that you?"

"Who else would it be?" He replied, noticing her voice had gone rather high pitched. "Is everything alright? May I come in?"

"Please do." She replied after a beat, and he pressed the door open. She was seated at the vanity, plaiting her long red hair.

She turned towards him, still continuing to braid her hair. She wore a simple gown that he recognized as the only other one that she had brought from Philadelphia, still unspoilt from spending the duration of their travels tightly rolled in her pack. Her typically lily-pale skin had darkened somewhat on their ride, and freckles that she had sported as a child had re-emerged on her face from exposure to the sun. She gave him a light smile and tied off her braid.

"Did you enjoy your bath?" He asked, leaning against the doorframe.

"I did indeed." She replied rather quickly, turning to face him and crossing her hands in her lap. He noticed that she was twisting her fingers upon themselves, recognizing an old habit of when she was anxious or impatient.

"Lissie, is everything alright? You seem a bit out of sorts." Normally he would have thought nothing of striding in and setting down on her bed, but her overall demeanor gave him pause.

"Oh." Felicity clasped her busy hands. "I am fine, I assure you. I think I am adjusting, that is all. I had a bit of a rude reminder that we are back in a civilized society!" She opened her mouth slightly as if she wanted to add something, but then closed it, inclining her face back towards her mirror.

Ben shook off all pretense and let himself in, walking the few paces to Felicity's bed, the whole time feeling her eyes following him. "Did you want me to call off the dinner with Charlotte so that we may just rest tonight and re-adjust on your own terms? If I really insisted, I don't think she would be too sore over it." He gritted his teeth, now hoping that Felicity would indeed wish to be alone.

"No, no, of course not! I am eager to spend time with your sister and her family, so don't call anything off on my behalf." Felicity shook her head, giving him a reassuring grin. "I'm just dwelling on the loveliness of the past couple weeks, and I'll be fine soon enough, I promise!"

"Alright," Ben felt a tad disappointed.

 _Just what was I expecting, anyways?_

Felicity nodded and stood up rather quickly. "I suppose I should get dinner on the way, what time will Charlotte be around?"

"Not for another hour." Ben said, glancing at a clock on the wall. "But Lissie, 'tis not expected that you prepare the meal, you are a guest here! Charlotte assured me that she would take care of everything."

"Oh, I don't want that at all!" Felicity said, striding towards the door, "Preparing a meal is not a chore, and remember, cooking is the only domestic work that I can do well, so this is my chance to give yet another of your dear sisters a good impression of me!"

Ben watched her leave the room without so much as a glance backwards. He remembered how nervous Felicity had been at meeting his mother and father; it had outright consumed her. He knew she had nothing to worry about; Charlotte probably had in mind to poke plenty of fun at him, but she wasn't the type to scrutinize Felicity over her worthiness. And yet, none of his reassurances would convince Felicity to calm down and enjoy herself.

At this point, he figured his mother and father might as well show up. So much for their relaxed alone time.

 _Don't you dare sulk. Get up, and go help Felicity._

Resolutely, he stood up and told himself to fix his attitude. At that moment, Felicity appeared back at the doorway, grinning at him. "I thought you were right behind me! Come on, then!"

He returned her smile and followed her down to the kitchen.

There, he found the stacks of groceries that he had fetched with help from his nephew, Henry. The plan was to prepare a rather simple dinner, as Charlotte was ready to admit that she was never all that much of a cook. _"But I try, oh how I try,"_ she had always laughed. Right now, the plan was to prepare a simple turkey pie. This was delicious in itself, but he knew that with Felicity at the helm, it would indeed become something much more extravagant.

He watched Felicity search through the groceries, pulling out item after item and giving a quick, one-word acknowledgement of each item as he imagined her organizing everything in her mind.

"Flour, salt, butter, carrots, potatoes, peas…..say, did you mention that there was a turkey?" She looked up at Ben.

"Outside." Ben commented, leaving to go and fetch it.

When he returned, Felicity was already measuring out generous cups of flour into a bowl. She gave him a slightly apologetic look. "Would you please carve it up? I have trouble bearing it."

Ben readily agreed and got to work on an opposite counter, his back to Felicity to shield her from anything that she might find unpleasant. She had always had a soft spot for animals, and he wouldn't be surprised if she were to swear off eating meat all together someday. He himself wasn't all too fond of the task, it was made all the more better by the fact that he was working alongside Felicity. It was just the two of them, alone together. He wasn't sure what he had necessarily expected, but perhaps this was good enough.

As they worked, Felicity asked questions about Charlotte. Ben knew that she had met Charlotte before, having visited Yorktown some years ago when he had been waylaid by illness. While she had formed a strong bond with Anna, he knew she and Charlotte had no contact since.

Ben knew that from an outside point of view, one of the most interesting aspects to Charlotte was her husband, John. He told Felicity all about John, how he came from a working class background, raised by a single mother with the most minimal formal schooling. But John was incredibly clever, and had a natural talent for gambling. He had won a small fortune playing cards, and had purchased several businesses around town. And having no experience running them, he had asked Samuel Davidson for help, and had soon put his eye on Charlotte.

"I swear, John was the only suitor that my mother did not like!" Ben found himself saying, thinking back to the cold indifference that his mother had shown her future son-in-law.

"But your parents still approved the marriage." Felicity said as she chopped carrots. "So John must have won them over somehow. Is he quite charming? I figure as a gambler, he must be able to play-act with the best of them!"

Ben shrugged. "Not necessarily. I do remember the night I first met him, I was but six years old and expecting that he would be some larger-than-life scoundrel. But his manner and his appearance were quite ordinary. He loves Charlotte and their boys, tends to his businesses, and occasionally raises my mother's ire, although she won't admit to it. He didn't need to win them over, he just needed to show Charlotte that he would be a good husband. My mother and father have taken a, what would you call it? A non-intrusive approach to setting engagements for us children."

Felicity let out a simple hmm, and Ben took it to mean that she was interested in hearing more. "My sisters' suitors did not necessarily need to ask my father's permission for an engagement. 'Tis proper to ask, but more of a formality. My father knew that if he were to refuse John's pledge, it would just create a rift in the family. "Although-," he thought for a moment, "my father did make John promise that he would stop gambling. I overheard it one night and Charlotte did not know about it 'til many years later."

"So I suppose it is lucky that all of your sisters have found good husbands." Felicity said.

"Oh, 'tis not just my sisters that have found good spouses. I am on my way to joining them!" Ben reminded her.

Felicity turned around, smiling at him as she spread flour around the tabletop in anticipation of rolling the dough out. At that moment, the sound of the door unlatching echoed through the house. Felicity looked up sharply, alarm etched across her face.

"Hello! Ben? Felicity? Are you both about?" Charlotte called out.

"Kitchen!" Ben simply called in reply, giving Felicity a reassuring smile. Despite his prior deep feelings of intrusiveness he had felt over Charlotte's presence, he was indeed happy to see her and her family again.

There were the low sounds of Charlotte instructing Charlie and Henry to make themselves comfortable, and a moment later she appeared in the doorway of the kitchen, John behind her. Ben noticed that Felicity had gone quite pale, but she graciously curtseyed and murmured the polite greetings necessary for the occasion.

"Pleased to finally meet you, Miss Merriman." John said graciously, taking Felicity's hand despite it being caked with flour and dough.

Charlotte surveyed the scene about her. "I thought you two were going to leave everything to me!" Her words were indignant, but Ben saw that her manner looked almost relieved.

"I beg your pardon, dear Charlotte, but Ben and I found ourselves quite idle, so we thought to get started. I sincerely hope that you are not too offended!" Felicity said, her eyes wide as she wiped her hands on a towel.

Ben decided to not dwell on Felicity's explanation and her use of the word 'idle', and instead backed her up. "Lissie thought it very impolite if we were to leave the entire task up to you, 'Char. That, and I remember your propensity towards cooking." He grinned at her.

"Benjamin, you embarrass me." Charlotte said as John chuckled behind her. "I think that it is time for you to leave while I work here with Felicity. Charlie has been so excited to see you again, but don't worry, I told him you wouldn't be up for any roughhousing until after dinner." She made a dismissive gesture at him, towards the door.

Ben glanced sideways at Felicity, who gave him a slight nod of the head as if to say that she would be fine working just with Charlotte. He grinned at the both of them, then turned towards John. John put an arm about him and guided him into the parlor.

His nephews, fifteen year-old Henry and five year-old Charlie were there, reading quietly. They both looked up as Ben entered, Charlie giving him a wide smile. "Ben! We got a new puppy and I wanted to bring her here today but Ma and Pa here said we couldn't but I can tell you all about her!"

Ben opened his mouth to answer but John beat him to it. "You will just have to hold onto those words for a few more minutes, small fry. Ben has some very important things going on in his life now and we want to hear all about them, don't we? Now sit down." Ben knew this last order was meant for him, and he obeyed, seating himself across from his brother-in-law. It went without saying that John had a rather imposing manner about him, one that could only come from an upward trajectory through social class.

John took them all right to the point. "So Charlotte tells us all that you will be traveling to Europe in the coming weeks."

"That's right." Ben replied. "I'll be heading on a tour of the Scandinavian ports to update the routes and merchant loads." He started forming a list of them in his mind, prepared incase John began to ask for details.

"So what brings you back here?" John asked conversationally, flicking his eyes towards his sons, who both looked up with interest, although Henry's focus was only fleeting as he concentrated back at his book.

"What…Yorktown?" Ben stammered. He thought for sure John would have asked for a few more details on his travels to Europe. He quickly composed himself, customizing his answer for Charlie. "I am traveling with my dearest Felicity back to her home in Williamsburg so that I may ask for her hand in marriage."

"Is she pretty?" Charlie asked.

"She is indeed very pretty." Henry cut in, nodding at Ben in approval.

"Calm yourself, boy." John chuckled at Henry. Ben raised an eyebrow at the bold statement, figuring that Henry was at that peculiar age.

John focused back on Ben. "So you have it on good faith that her parents will be in agreement? Even with you being gone for so long?"

"I believe so." Ben said confidently. "A year and a half is not that long at all, and if Felicity is fine with it, then that is the most important part." He saw John look at him with some disbelief, and he spoke up again in an effort to convince his brother-in-law. "Her mother actually wrote me a letter when she heard that we had split up, and wished for us to reconsider it."

"Split up?" John asked, raising his eyebrows. "Whatever d'ya mean by that?"

Ben regretted revealing that part. Apparently, no one had told Charlotte of his and Felicity's small detour. He flushed slightly, and decided to tell the truth, albeit a very condensed version of it. "We had to reconcile a bit over my leaving. I didn't do the greatest job of being forthright about it, and Felicity rightfully did not take it in stride." There was no way he was telling John about his insecurity over the physician and foolishness over Elizabeth's letter.

John fixed him with a scrutinizing gaze, and Ban saw out of the corner of his eye that Henry and Charlie were also focusing directly on him. He hoped that Felicity was faring better in the company of his sister. A beat passed before he decided there was absolutely no reason that he should shrink back, and raised his chin slightly, keeping his expression stoic.

John relaxed back into his chair and grinned cheerfully at him. "But everything's good now, right? They have to be, if the two of you are riding back here all the way to get engaged!"

"They do appear to be." Ben gave his understated reply.

"Aw, just look at 'ya. Little Ben. You were just a small kiddo when I first met you, much like young Charles here. Now you're all grown up, becoming a man about the world with a wife of his own. Who would've thought?"

"Not me." Ben said as he grinned at Charlie.

John chuckled again, and nodded towards the kitchen. "Charlotte's been a bit emotional about it all. She's known you to be pining after this girl for the past few years. I think she was amused by it-, we all were amused by it, but now it's hit her that you are all grown up."

"Wait, she is fond of Felicity, isn't she?" Ben eyed the kitchen door, wondering how everything was going down in there. He had been too ill to see for himself how Charlotte and Felicity had gotten along when they first met, but there was nothing in Charlotte's behavior to indicate that she disliked Felicity.

"No problems there, as far as I know. And I'm usually the first to know if Charlotte doesn't like someone." John said. "Although-," he narrowed his eyes slightly at Ben in suspicion and leaned forwards in his chair, "I did come to know of a letter from you to Felicity's father, written in Philadelphia that was meant to be mailed from here in Yorktown. Charlotte did exactly as the letter instructed and was amused to do so, but I was hoping to get an explanation from you about it." His eyes shone with merriment.

Ben noticed that Henry was listening in as well. He knew John knew more than he was letting on, so he decided to be forthright about it all. Well, not that he really wished to be any other way. "Felicity's mother and father have not known that I was in Philadelphia with her for the past few months. They assumed I was here in Yorktown. Though they do support the union between Felicity and I; they wanted to keep us apart until…well….I admit I do not know. 'Tis rather complicated." He faltered a little, still confused over exactly what the Merriman's wishes were.

"Sounds like a confusing power play to me. No wonder you two have resorted to sneaking around." John commented.

Ben sighed, not really liking either of John's conclusions. 'sneaking around' sounded like a crass way to define his and Felicity's multilayered, rich relationship, and deep down, he still maintained great respect and perhaps love of Mr. and Mrs. Merriman.

"Everything just became very complicated for the two of us. Secrecy seemed to be the easiest way forwards." Ben said. _It was never my intent to deceive, nor to have Felicity's good name sullied._

 _But yet I have managed to do both things._

John laughed, as if Ben had told him the funniest joke he had heard all day, "Lad, don't I know it! I remember when I was decided on Charlotte. She warned me that things would be difficult, but I told myself that honesty was the best way for us. But the both of you, you were caught red-handed, were you not?"

"Sort of." Ben said, wincing. The day that he and Felicity were found out, that is to say by his own folly, was not a day that he liked to remember. "'Tis a rather painful memory."

"Well, then I won't go into the particulars. Perhaps that will be another story years down the line." John said.

Ben nodded. There was a beat of silence in which John asked no follow-up question and he took advantage of it, directing a question at Henry.

"Henry, I hear you are studying for the entrance examinations for Yale College." He said, hoping the boy would be a little more forthright than he had been.

Henry looked up from the book he had been reading. "Aye, I am."

"Which profession are you seeking?" Ben asked. He had often heard Charlotte boasting about his numerous academic achievements so he was certain Henry would have his pick of schools and specialties.

"Medicine." Henry promptly answered. A slight flush spread across his cheek at the proclamation, though he kept the prideful look in his eyes.

"Oh, well that is most excellent." Ben said, indeed proud of his nephew. "I do find it fascinating, how the human body is put together in all of its complex ways!" He knew he was channeling Felicity as he said this. If he were to be absolutely truthful, it was very difficult to think about the inner workings of the human body without remembering what his cracked ribs felt like when he tried to breathe, or that strange, separated feeling of his blood pumping out of him after he was stabbed. Then, there were the numerous battlefield injuries and illnesses that he had seen but tried his best to never think about. He was immediately thankful that there were those that had the stomach for this line of work.

"Yes, of course. I also think that medicine is the only profession that is truly noble." Henry said, looking Ben square in the eye.

Ben had to think for a second about whether or not Henry was completely serious. The _only_ noble profession? That made for a rather bold statement.

John burst into laughter. "Listen to this kid, I tell 'ya."

"I believe it to be the truth." Henry insisted. "Doctors sacrifice years of their lives to study for years on end, and they are the last line of defense to help the truly sick and injured. The position, by the very nature of it is noble!"

"Your auntie Sarah would have a few words for you about that. She always says that doctors are utterly useless, perhaps even harmful during childbirth." John reminded him. Ben's sister Sarah was a midwife, and by her account, a very skilled one at that.

Henry shrugged. "I believe that doctors can teach midwives a great deal, and I look forward to having this discussion with Aunt Sarah when she returns from Norfolk."

"But is it really the only noble position?" Ben countered, "What about farming? If there are no farmers, there is no food."

Henry raised his chin. "Farming takes little skill, and besides, sowing crops is second nature to Mankind. The profession of medicine represents man's collective ability to understand how the human body works, and how to best repair ailments and injuries."

Ben was to be not put off by this. "What of law, and lawmaking?" He countered. "Lawmakers seek out to find injustice, and remedy it."

Henry scoffed. "Lawmakers argue all day about hypothetical situations in which up may be down and vice versa! I say they don't do nearly enough work to directly help people."

"Teachers?" Charlie asked, looking up from his picture book.

"Don't get me started." Henry said, "The teacher that I had was so useless and self-serving that I ended up cracking the books and teaching myself! If only I was not held back by the useless idiots that were my classmates!"

Ben grinned. Despite his nephew's glaring arrogance that he hoped could be attributed to his youth, this was proving to be a fun back-and-forth. Although, he knew that perhaps Felicity would indeed take true umbrage to Henry's words. Perhaps it was best that she was not present at the moment.

 _Perhaps the field of medicine does lend itself to the rather arrogant types_. As Ben thought this, one exact person came to mind, one that was now safely out of Felicity's life. Although if Felicity were to still keep close communication with Elizabeth, he knew the physician would never be far behind.

Luckily Henry remained quiet and well-behaved during dinner. Ben noticed that Felicity also kept her words to herself, although she seemed comfortable and happy as far as he could tell. Much of the conversation happened between Charlotte, John, and himself. Ben saw firsthand what John meant about his sister's emotional state; as any lull in conversation would have Charlotte, her eyes brimming with tears, wringing her hands and going on about how Ben was now all grown up, and where had all the years gone?

Ben was relieved to discover that instead of being embarrassed or annoyed by Charlotte's sentiments as he had been in the past, he took it all in stride.

"Do you regret all these years? Wish to go back to when I was smaller and you, Anna, Sarah and Sylvie could exert full influence over me?" He asked, her teasingly.

With the mention of Sylvie, Charlotte leaned back in her chair and put a hand against her chest. "Oh, dear Sylvie! If only she were still with us, I know she would feel as I do. Tell me, what does Anna say about all of this?"

"Luckily for me, Anna keeps a cool head." Ben said pointedly.

"Yes, Anna is the most level-headed among us. Isn't that what Father always says?" Asked Charlotte, no trace of animosity about her.

"Aye he does, and I am inclined to agree with Father." Ben said with as much seriousness as he could muster, which garnered laughter from around the table.

"Benjamin! You still embarrass me!" Charlotte said, leaning back in her chair and balancing her wine glass.

Ben had an inkling that behind her teasing, Charlotte had made it clear that she was indeed happy for him and Felicity. She had been ever present at his sorry return to Yorktown and the discouraging year that followed in which he was chronically unemployed and separated from Felicity. To her, he must seem now like a completely different person, miles away from the irritable man he was just months ago.

He had still been quite young when his sisters all were courting and getting married. In fact, he had never known Sylvie, the eldest without her fiancé and later husband. He had been only eight when Anna was married and left the Davidson household. It was a strange, yet comforting feeling that now, he would finally be joining them in fully-realized adulthood. He instinctively glanced over at Felicity, who was talking with John. He noticed that her fork was balanced in her left hand, while her right hand sat calmly in her lap. He reached over and gave it a squeeze, which she responded in kind with a moment's glance and a smile.

After dinner they all retired back to the parlor. Felicity immediately set herself down by Charlie and discussed the book that he was reading in low tones, while Ben discussed the details of his upcoming travel to John, Charlotte, and Henry. He recited the routes across the ocean to the various ports from memory as if he were reading a lesson in class. There was the thought that the anticipation of such a thing would inspire excitement in any man, but Ben still saw it as an obstacle, a delay in front of him and Felicity.

John and Charlotte were quite excited about it all. John regaled them with tales of his travels to the West Indies when he was a teenaged sailor, seeing all of the exotic splendor that the Caribbean had to offer. Ben listened intently, trying to drum up the beginnings of excitement for travel that he never once thought possible. _The Hauge, Brussels, Copenhagen…._

 _Perhaps I'll finally be able to meet my cousins._

Then, Charlotte spoke up with what Ben knew to be her complete lack of any sort of tactfulness. "Ben, are you quite sure that Felicity is unable to accompany you on your travels? There was nothing at all that could be worked out? You are quite fine with leaving her behind here, all alone?"

Ben figured that Felicity by now could take a question like this in stride, although the sound of it still jolted him to the core. He risked a glance at Felicity and saw her watching for his answer, her expression completely serene. He looked back at Charlotte, who carried no trace of malice on her face. Finally, he gave his answer. "From what I understand, the journey will follow a grueling schedule, and I will likely find myself endlessly tromping through remote locations. While I deeply regret to be leaving her behind, I don't wish for our early married life to be experienced in such conditions."

Charlotte continued, directing her next question at Felicity. "Felicity, darling, are you quite content being left behind like this?"

Out of the corner of his eye, Ben saw John holding the bridge of his nose in exasperation. Henry was shaking his head, "Ma…"

"Quite indeed." Felicity gave Charlotte a reassuring smile. "I have so much to do here back on dry land. You know that I am working on a manuscript, I have my governess contract with Anna and William to finish out, and I wish to be there for my dearest friend when she welcomes her first child!"

"So you do not wish a life of travel at all then?" Charlotte's concern for the young couple seemed to thankfully lessen.

"Oh, I did not mean that I have not a travel wish at all, I simply acknowledge that it is best I not go on this particular trip. I very much insist on any and all future travel with Ben." Felicity grinned at him, and he vowed to himself that he would seek another opportunity with in which she would accompany him.

"Well, I suppose if you are both in agreement, then that settles it!" Charlotte exclaimed, grinning triumphantly as if she had just helped settle a decades-long rift. She then focused on Felicity, "but please know this, my dear, I wish for you to come and visit sometime in the next long two years that follow. I mean it! I imagine you will want to stay in Williamsburg for this coming Christmastide, but will you consider being our guest as the year turns to 1785?"

"Indeed, I would be honored to spend it with your family!" Felicity smiled at Charlotte, and Ben took on quite a bit of relief to know that the future sisters-in-law were getting along splendidly.

As it often happened in social settings, the major conversations at hand would cease, and someone would suggest a game. This time it was bridge, with John positioning himself in a team with Felicity while Ben and Charlotte opposed them. _"'Tis only right, Davidsons versus the Others!"_ John exclaimed. Ben did not need to be clairvoyant to know that John and Felicity would solidly trounce them, yet he knew that his efforts made for a close score, at least for a little while.

As the evening pressed on, Charlotte made the decision that she and her family would indeed stay the night. By that time, Ben had let go of nearly all of his annoyance that she had disrupted his alone time with Felicity. He had indeed enjoyed the time spent with all of them, and knew not to take it for granted. It was just as well, as Felicity decided to retire early. "I hope that you will excuse me for any rudeness, but I am looking forward to sleeping in a real bed!"

Ben warmly bade Felicity a good night, as much as he could with his sister and her family watching. Charlotte and the children were the next to go, and finally, he was left alone with his brother-in-law, who shared many stories and words of advice about growing up, getting married, and making a place in the world.

….

Felicity laid within the soft quilts of her bed and stretched, her ankles extended and toes curling against the linens. She rolled onto her back, pulling strands of hair free so she might feel the plush pillow underneath her head.

This was Heaven, even more than her hot bath was. She pulled her arm free from the quilt and put her head upon it, thinking about the day that she had. She had gotten a chance to speak with Charlotte in length and found her to be completely delightful. She was also fascinated by John, who had his own rags-to-riches story and less than proper background. And young Charlie was the sweetest boy that she had ever met. Then there was Henry. A flush came upon her face as she remembered how she had appeared sorely underdressed to him, and even more so when the lad had regained his senses. At the time, she hadn't been completely certain over whether or not he had actually winked at her, but now she was convinced he had actually done so, a cheeky grin upon his face.

How could she have been so foolish? What had she been thinking?

What had she been thinking, indeed?

As much as she wished to deny it, she knew exactly what she was thinking. The base part of her mind had gone and escaped her, and she had gone down with the full intention of revealing herself, practically nude, to an unsuspecting Ben.

Of course, these thoughts were never far from her mind the past week in which they had slept on the ground together in a buttoned-together bedroll, but she and Ben were too cold, too grubby, too exhausted from the road to think about anything but holding each other.

But now?

 _Stop all of this. Was your rude reminder not enough to discourage your mind from going to places no unmarried maid should be wandering?_

 _Unmarried maid. Now that surely is a myth! Ingrid wasn't, nor is Elizabeth. Sweet, proper Elizabeth. The two women that were arguably the closest to me were not proper maids on their wedding day. What were the odds of that?_

Felicity figured that it happened more than proper society would like to admit.

 _But wait, didn't Ingrid and Elizabeth find themselves in a rather severe predicament? Stop this thinking at once. Ben is going overseas for two years, and he will not be able to marry you hastily._

That little voice spoke up again, reminding her that she had just finished bleeding and therefore would not likely conceive. The timing had been completely inconvenient, making it difficult to hide and keep herself tidy as she and Ben traveled through the wilderness, but he had been none the wiser.

Now, perhaps it had turned out to be a blessing in disguise.

 _Stop..stop….STOP!_

 _Enough of this foolishness! Close your eyes and let yourself drift off to sleep._

She obeyed that voice of sanity within her and closed her eyes, focusing on the quiet that settled over the household now that all occupants had retired for the night. She imagined that Ben was now resting comfortably in his bedroom, as happy as she was to be laying under feather-down covers. Then again, men often didn't require as many blankets as women, so perhaps he had only the simple linens to keep him warm. She knew well enough that he slept on his back, his face showing only a mask of peaceful rest.

 _But wait all a minute, is he also struggling to fall asleep, just as I am?_

 _Is he thinking about me just as I am thinking about him?_

These final questions consumed her, lending themselves to an abrupt face turn, and soon she had little control over her own body as she slipped out from under the covers, lit a candle so that she might see, and was out the door into the hallway. There, she took a quick assessment. Charlotte and John were sleeping in Ingrid and Samuel's bedchambers on the opposite side of the large house, and Henry and Charles slept on the third floor. Ben's bedroom was down the hallway, safely far away from all other occupants of the house. She was certain that none of them would hear her creep along, even if they were awake to listen for it.

She reached his closed door and risked a light tapping out of pure habit, then listened for a moment before cracking the door open. "Ben?" she whispered, "are you awake?"

"Who is it….?" His groggy reply made it clear that he had been sleeping, but she felt little remorse at waking him up. "Lissie, is that you?"

"Aye." She crept closer, closing the door quietly behind her. "I apologize for disturbing you, but I cannot sleep. Perhaps I am used to sleeping in a bedroll with you. May I share your bed?" Her voice came out bold, and she was pleased to hear it.

Ben pushed himself to sitting and shielded his eyes from the light of her candle. It seemed to take him a moment to fully comprehend her request, and there was a moment, just a moment in which she regretted her actions and was prepared to retreat back to her own bedroom. She was about to bashfully apologize and take a step backwards when he shifted to one side of the bed and pulled the quilts away to make room for her. "Of course. Come here."

 _Come here._ She echoed that phrase in her mind, over and over. Just two words, said in the tones of Ben's voice in the context of what was happening here. Would there ever be a phrase so delightful? She grinned and crossed the room, setting the candleset down on his nightstand. She then slipped under the covers, shuffling up next to Ben just as she had done many nights in a row as they rode through the wilderness and wondering if he could tell that her heart was racing.

She took a deep breath to calm herself, hoping that it came out nearly as a sigh as she looped an arm around his midsection and laid her head upon his shoulder. Ben ran his hand up and down her back. "All settled then?" He asked.

"Aye." She replied, closing her eyes.

"You certain? I can feel that your heart is pounding." Ben's voice sounded more awake.

"I'm quite alright." Felicity assured him, "now I believe I can finally get some rest."

Ben didn't answer her, and Felicity figured he had slipped back on the way to his dreaming state. And maybe, that was quite fine. She was quite content just laying here in his arms, and had faith that sleep would shortly come.

But first, she needed to make a quick adjustment in her position by scooting herself upwards so that her neck would be at a more comfortable angle. As she did this, she caught the scent of pine and lavender, from the soap that Ben had likely used. She breathed in and exhaled, knowing that her breath was against his neck.

A quiet peace settled over her. She closed her eyes, and relaxed her body and mind, content to fall asleep in his arms, whole and complete. Then, she heard his breath hitch, making her realize that he was unlikely to be sleeping.

He turned to face her, his chin just right above her forehead, and she opened her eyes, as she traced her fingers across his collar, exploring where the hem of his night-shirt ended and his skin was exposed. He exhaled, and she saw his lips part slightly. She rolled over onto her belly and moved upwards so that she was face-to-face with him, and kissed him lightly at the corner of his mouth, and again, this time full on the mouth, her tongue flicking out to lightly brush against his lip.

He reciprocated, kissing her deeply at first, then pulled away. She opened her eyes to see him watching her, his face illuminated in the candlelight, expression unreadable but soft. He reached out to brush a few strands of her loose hair back, tucking them behind her ear.

She grinned at him and did the same, reaching out to brush some of his hair back, then let her hand run the length down the side of his neck to his shoulder, continuing downward to his hip before pulling away. As she brought her hand back towards herself, she thought of slipping her shift off of one shoulder, but maybe it was too soon for that, too forward. She had done all of the work thus far here, and she wished for Ben to make the next move, to really find out what he wanted.

And he did. After studying her for a moment more, he reached out once again to brush her hair back, this time letting his fingers trace her cheekbones, down to her shoulder, then waist, his hand becoming heavier until he was almost gripping her hip. He closed his eyes, and she watched, drawing herself into his expression.

"Lissie." He murmured.

That was enough. She met him in the middle and drew herself on top of him, kissing him deeply on the mouth as he wrapped his arms around her and returned it. Her hands traveled up and down his sides and chest, feeling the complete contours of his body, and she realized, smiling against him, that one of his hands had made it to her rear. She found the bottom hem of his nightshirt and her hands went underneath it, but there was only so much she could do while the two of them were still laying down.

Ben wrapped his arms around her and sat the two of them up so that she could pull off his nightshirt entirely. She continued to kiss him, but it was not the soft, drawn out kisses with feeling that they had previously shared prior to this, they were frantic, unrestrained as if the two of them were racing against some sort of a clock that was dwindling down. Felicity noticed that her back was twisting uncomfortably as she sat sideways in Ben's lap, and she squirmed to straighten herself out, realizing she could get into a much more comfortable, natural position by straddling him. She completed the movement by wrapping her legs around his hips and back, and he leaned back slightly, tilting his head so that he could bury his face in her neck, all the while planting kisses down to her collarbone.

She leaned away to make room, and her shift slipped off a shoulder, draping its way carelessly down to nearly her elbow. Ben drew back and studied her with half-lidded eyes before reaching out and taking hold of the loose material almost delicately, letting it fall further so that it exposed the top of her breast. He then drew his hand away, watching her. Was he looking for her permission? He most certainly would get it. She reached out to take his hand and guided it to her breast, manipulating his fingers as to make him be the one to pull it down to the extent that it would go, completely exposing her breast. He exhaled, then drew closer and kissed her first between her breasts, making his way so slowly to her bared one that the wait was excruciating. When he finally got there, a wave of pleasure rolled through Felicity, and something broke free inside of her.

She pushed Ben back down with such an intensity that he gasped, which made her all the more excited. She climbed back on top of him and straddled him, kissing his bare chest as he had done with her, making her way up to his collar, neck, and brushing her lips against his ear. She shifted her hips over his, and felt something unmistakable. Their session had so far been for the most part, quiet, but now, she let out a giggle. She wanted to undo his drawers, to see and explore what lay within.

It was at that point that Ben let out a bit of a strangled gasp, a groan of dismay. "Lissie, I've got to stop…I'm really sorry."

Stop? They were just getting started. There was a flicker of sound mind within her, one that repeated Ben's voice as a question. _Do you want to stop? Should you stop?_

 _No._

She sat up and studied Ben, who propped himself up onto his elbows. He was breathing heavily, a look of dismay that she knew was over the idea of stopping, that he was completely torn up about it.

She locked eyes with Ben. "No….no. Ben. We do not need to stop," she implored him.

Ben stared at her, the regret in his eyes giving way as he looked her up and down. She knew her hair was a mess and her shift askew, and she spoke once again, hoping that he would understand the words she was saying and the sentiment that she was feeling. "Ben. Please, we do not have to stop. We have waited long enough, haven't we?"

Ben raised his chin ever so slightly, and something seemed to flash within his eyes. Felicity had a split second to tear off her shift completely and drop it out of the way before Ben kissed her, this time taking nearly the full initiative. She wrapped her arms around him and pulled down so that her was now on top of her, and she felt only the warmth of his bare skin as somewhere along the way, his drawers had been discarded just as her shift had gone.

He continued to kiss her lips, then traveled downwards to her neck, décolletage, breasts, belly, and back up again, and she giggled when he hit a ticklish spot, and sighed when things felt sensitive. She wrapped her legs around his hips, always trying to draw him closer, closer, knowing that she needed him to be within her.

There was a moment's hesitation as Ben paused and sat up above her, searching her face. The exchange needed no words, just the mutual expression of _I want you, I want you_. He was asking her permission, as she was asking him. He then put his hands around her hips for a better position, and without tearing his gaze away from her face, drew himself inward.

Felicity gasped at how impossibly tight it felt, but as soon as she relaxed herself, her body yielded, doing exactly what it was supposed to do as her hips moved against Ben in a rhythm that she hadn't needed to learn anywhere. She opened her eyes, and saw Ben moving above her, eyes half-lidded and lips parted, the muscles in his chest and middle rippling with effort.

Her mind managed to break free from all of the earthly sensations she was experiencing to conclude that there was never a more beautiful sight. But, this was a time to feel, and she reached up to grasp his waist and drew him closer over her, wrapping her arms around him and arching her back so that he might reach deeper. She dug her fingernails into Ben's back with the faint realization that she might be hurting him, but he made no notion that he was affected by it, as he buried his face into her neck, his soft breath in her ear.

And then, there it started. The sensation happened slowly at first, then deepening as pleasure rolled through her body, her breath coming in small gasps. It reached an apex, all of her muscles simultaneously tightening against themselves. It almost felt like too much, and there was a moment of panic that she might flame up and burst from the inside out. But then, something gave way and all of her muscles relaxed at once, her legs falling away as she sank back into the pillows. Ben still held her tightly, but she could tell that he was feeling a similar, very sudden relaxation. Despite the fact that she had gone completely limp, she was still able to grin from ear-to-ear with such an intensity that her face hurt. Ben withdrew from her and laid on his side, drawing an arm around her and pulling her closer as he wore a similar smile.

In all the books that Felicity had gotten her hands on, the act of lovemaking was always followed up by words of admiration and love. But here, no words needed to be exchanged. They gazed into each other's eyes, reaffirming what they had just shared together, that he was hers and she was his and would be forever more. She reached out to stroke his cheek and he leaned into her palm and closed his eyes, his face a mask of contentedness.

She blew out the candle, then reached over and rolled him onto his back and sidled up to him, resting her head upon his shoulder and wrapping an arm around his midsection to hold him tight.

….

 **Author's note:**

Again, my deepest apologies.


	27. Chapter 27

Author's Note: Some more mature stuff here, so no kids allowed. My apologies…..

…..

Ben awoke with a start the next morning, needing only a moment to realize all that had happened the previous night was not a dream. He looked to his immediate right and saw Felicity, her head upon his shoulder, her arm wrapped around him. There came a second realization that he was completely without his bedclothes, or any other clothes, for that matter. And as far as he could tell (and he could tell quite a bit), Felicity was also completely in the nude.

A slow smile spread across his face as the full memories from the previous night surfaced, how Felicity had come to him under an innocent pretext, but what transpired must have been her intention all along. She thought she could sneak and pretend towards him, but he could read her like a book.

He gazed upon Felicity, her face a peaceful sleeping mask at the current moment, and he remembered with a clear mind the look that she gave him, her loose hair hanging abandoned across her face, her shift slipping off one shoulder, the intensity that she kissed him with, her fine weight upon him and the pressure of her thighs as she held him close…

He continued to bask in this morning afterglow for several more minutes, simply enjoying the moment, the memories, and the feel of Felicity intertwined with him. But, it was not long before reality crept in, setting off a bit of an internal crisis of conscience.

So, what now? Had he wronged her in any way? He carefully scanned his memories, trying to pick out any point last night in which he had taken advantage of her. Thankfully, there was nothing that didn't suggest he did not have her full consent and desire. She had come to him, and she had seduced him, not to suggest that he wasn't an active and fully willing participant!

Then, there were the unintended consequences. What if they were found out? Would he need to marry her now? Er, of course he would marry her. But would it be best to wed sooner, rather than later?

He felt the rather unpleasant pins and needles sensation in the arm that Felicity was laying upon, and he closed his fist and reopened it to try and get some of the bloodflow back. It hadn't been his intention to awaken Felicity, but she began to stir anyways with the inhale of a person rousing from a deep sleep.

Her eyes fluttered open and she blinked a few times, focusing on Ben's face. The corners of her mouth drew into a lazy, sleepy smile. "Ben. Am I dreaming?"

Ben drew her in closer and kissed her on the forehead. "Wondering that myself."

She gave a happy sigh and placed her palm on top of his chest, closing her eyes once again.

Ben knew that he was threatening the happy afterglow of the morning, but there was something he needed to clear up. "Felicity…are you alright?"

She opened her eyes again, regarding him with some confusion. "Never better. Are _you_ alright?"

"I just…." Ben furrowed his brow, wondering how to best put this, and hating that he was about to destroy the moment. "I was just realizing that I cannot leave now. There is no way I am sailing off to Europe for two whole bloody years! I'm not…," he shook his head. "I'm not doing it. I'm not leaving. I'll hand in my resignation if they ask for it."

Felicity stared at him incredulously for a moment before giving a quick laugh. "What is this you are saying? _Now_ you have decided that you are not leaving? Just after the events of last night?"

Ben winced at the implication. Didn't she understand what he meant? "No no….I mean, what if we made a baby?"

This was indeed a serious issue, one worth discussing. But Felicity only grinned that wicked grin when she was about to say something clever. "Would that be so bad? Do you not wish to have children with me?" She asked innocently.

Ben groaned. "Don't be so deliberately obtuse with me. You know how bad it would be if you were to find out you are expecting just as I am thousands of miles away. I don't wish to receive a letter months from now, informing me that I am now a father."

"You worry too much!" Felicity said. "Truth is, I just finished my monthly bloody cycle. 'Tis near impossible to conceive at this time."

"Beg pardon?" Ben was confused. "How do you know this?"

"I read it in a book on midwifery." Felicity waved her hand. "It takes a few days after the bloody cycle for the woman's body to realize it no longer needs to cleanse the womb, so conception is very unlikely."

"Ah." Ben said, considering it. "That does make sense."

Felicity shrugged. "You can ask your sister for more details, if you are so interested. Typically men don't want or care to hear anything about bloody cycles or the sort. But you have been so determined to ruin the romance here, that I was forced to explain myself!"

Ben grinned at the smirk on her face, determined to hold his ground. "Remember, I grew up in a family dominated by women. You will see that I have a stronger stomach than most men!" In reality the news that Felicity had forseen the risks and aimed to avert them was a great comfort to him, and he relaxed. He drew her closer once again, kissing her along the neck. "But now that you mention it, after what I experienced last night there is no way in my sane mind that I am going to deliberately put thousands of miles between us!"

Felicity giggled. "You are going, and that is final! We have our own great destinies to fulfill, remember?" Ben was prepared to act in an incredibly wounded manner, but was distracted by Felicity rolling onto her back and stretching in a very amorous manner, the linens falling away to display her bare breasts. He shuffled over and laid his head on top of her chest, feeling the wonderful softness. She wrapped her arms around him and held him there for several minutes.

He was feeling himself start to drift off back to sleep when there was a sound of a door opening, followed by faint voices. _Hell and damnation._ What he wouldn't give to have an empty house for but a few more hours so that he might spend it with Felicity, just like this.

Likewise, Felicity sighed. "I suppose 'tis best that we get up and get dressed."

Ben opened his eyes, half-expecting her to panic at the prospect of being caught, but her countenance was of calm resignation. He grudgingly sat up and began to look for his drawers, abandoned on the floor. He put them on, tying them at the waist, then turned around to look for his nightshirt. Felicity sat with her back to him at the edge of the bed, still completely nude as she prepared to put her shift on. His breath caught as he studied the curve of her waist, the upside-down heart of her bottom, and he was tempted to take her all over again.

Felicity slipped her shift over her head and pulled her hair free, then grinned at Ben. "Cat got your tongue?"

"Something like that." Ben shook his head to clear it, then glanced around the room. "My nightshirt seems to have disappeared. You wouldn't know anything about that, would you? I do seem to remember that you had it last." He raised his eyebrows at Felicity, remembering the intensity as to which she had torn it off of him.

Felicity gestured towards the bureau, and Ben saw it laying discarded in a heap on the floor. As he got up to retrieve it, she let out a gasp.

"Oh, my word! Your back!" He whirled around, and saw her with a hand clapped over her mouth.

"What?" He asked, confused.

"Just look at your back! Oh, that must have…I am so sorry!" Her eyes were wide with shock.

He stood in front of the mirror and twisted himself around, seeing large, scratched welts traveling the length of his back. They were perfectly symmetrical, and upon further inspection, he saw reddened fingernail marks in clusters of five, spaced intermittently. He looked at Felicity, who had the expression of abject horror on her face and he burst into laughter.

"I am so sorry, I didn't realize I was digging in so hard! And I broke the skin! Does it hurt? You are going to need a salve so that it heals swiftly…" She wrung her hands.

He glanced again in the mirror, feeling a sense of pride that he was able to coax such a reaction from Felicity the previous night. He grinned back at her. "Don't worry, Love. I consider them to be personal badges of honor, if you will."

She blushed deeply, her face twisting into a smirk. "Badges of honor! Seriously…." She took up a pillow from the bed and tossed it at him. "And now, you can't let anyone see them! Are we clear? No one sees your back until they are healed. Do you promise me?"

"Upon my honor." Ben gave her a jaunty salute.

Felicity sighed, and gestured to the door. "Now if you please, would you check the hallway to make sure that it is clear? I wish to return to my room so that I may dress appropriately for the day."

She stood out of the way as Ben cracked the door open and wandered out to the empty hallway, training an ear downstairs to account for all the voices down below. There was Charlotte, arguing with Henry, and John talking quietly to Charlie. There was also movement in the kitchen, perhaps Charlotte had thankfully brought along her hired maid to help? Either way, it seemed like the coast was clear, so Felicity was free to make her short walk back to the safety of her room.

He ducked back inside and gave her a nod. "All yours. Shall I see you at breakfast then?"

Felicity wrapped her arms around his neck, and kissed him full on the lips. "Of course. Breakfast."

He felt slightly dizzy as she released him and left, pausing momentarily in the doorway to give him a smile.

…..

Felicity closed the door to her bedroom, clapping a hand over her mouth to suppress a giggle.

 _I am no longer a maid._

She repeated this thought in her mind, over and over, sustaining the giddiness that permeated her entire being. There was a small part of her wondering why she was not ashamed to have had premarital relations, but the answer to that was simple, a realization made more than a year ago. Nothing she ever did with Ben felt wrong. Their love, and everything that went with it was innocent and pure in and of itself.

But now, there were two daunting tasks facing her. First, she would need to remind herself that there will likely to be no more opportunities for her and Ben to make love. They were to be surrounded by family from here on out, and discretion was of the utmost importance. Then, speaking of discretion, came the second task. She would need to reign in some of the outward joy that she felt, lest folks would just up and guess what had transpired between them. She knew that it was practically written on her face, and women seemed to have a spectacular gift for detecting any hint of unproper behavior.

As she stood there, heart pounding and hands twisting upon themselves, she wondered how this was ever going to be possible. In a burst of energetic madness, she flung herself upon the bed and took up a pillow, buried her face in it and let out not quite a full-fledged scream, but more like squeal, quiet enough to not be heard by everyone.

This seemed to do the trick for the time being, as she was able to calmly stand up, brush her hands on her shift, and get dressed for the day. She took a bit of extra time to carefully brush and braid her hair, which had been left particularly unruly by the activities of the previous evening. One last glance in the mirror showed the face that she had looked upon for the past eighteen years, no different than it was the previous day. She gave her reflection a smile, and was on her way.

Ben was already seated with John, Charlotte, and Charlie at the breakfast table. Henry was noticeably absent, but she figured he had left earlier for school. She greeted everyone, then took the empty seat next to Ben, accepting a mug of coffee and a pitcher of cream. Her plate was loaded with scrambled eggs and bacon, and she dug in with wild abandon that she hoped no one would notice. Lucky for her, Charlotte and John were distracted by a letter from Ingrid and Samuel, postmarked from Alexandria.

Charlotte read aloud, _"….we have made excellent time thus far, so excellent that we remain on the lookout for Ben and Felicity! But they do have youth and stamina on their side, so likely you and John will greet them before us. There is another factor that we have worked into our trip, that is, we have stopped to visit Silas and his new bride, Leigh, in Baltimore..."_

Charlotte trailed off as she read this, her brow raising. Felicity felt confused, having never heard of any of these people before. A moment of silence passed before Ben spoke up with a sigh. "Silas remarried then? I suppose that is a good thing, albeit quite soon."

Charlotte gave him a serious look before continuing to read the letter, "… _Charlotte, you do remember Leigh McCarthy, do you not? She and Sylvie were such good friends growing up, Life is strange in the way that things work out, and now she is married to Sylvie's widower!"_ She glanced at Ben, "You were likely too young to remember the Leigh-girl. Count your lucky stars. It pains me to know that she is now step-mother to Sylvie's children."

Felicity remained silent, content to listen in to what was likely an old family drama. Charlotte kept talking, "Just what was she doing in Baltimore anyways? She always had an eye on Silas from the get-go. I wouldn't doubt if she heard that Sylvie had passed, and thought 'Finally! My golden chance has arrived'!" Lips pursed, she shook her head.

"Well, what does Ingrid say about it? Anything more?" John asked.

Charlotte read on, then shook her head. "Nothing more about that woman. She predicts that the two of them will arrive on the evening of April 19th, so just as expected."

"April 19th. 'Tis today." Ben remarked plainly. Charlotte gave him a look, and he grinned. "I know that I forever remain the master of the obvious."

Felicity looked up from her mug of coffee with a start. April 19th was today? That meant her birthday was just two days from now. She had completely lost all concept of the calendar while on the trail. She glanced at Ben, and saw that he was watching her. "And we all know of the special day that is coming up", he said merrily.

"I didn't realize….," Felicity trailed off. How could she not have seen her own birthday creeping up on her?

"You forgot that your birthday is coming up? It is just two days away!" Ben asked with an incredulous laugh, "Usually you start bringing it to everyone's attention weeks in advance. I felt it was a little odd to not hear anything out of you on the subject!"

A blush crept up on Felicity's face at all of the happy attention. "I didn't forget my birthday, _Benjamin_! I merely was not aware that we are already well into April," she shot back.

"Give your girl a break, Ben. She has a lot going on and all." John reprimanded him.

Felicity put on a smile to keep appearances, but she was suddenly gripped with an inexplicable anxiety. If Ingrid and Samuel were to arrive tonight, then they would in all likelihood leave tomorrow for Williamsburg. It was only a half-day's ride, so that meant she would be back in Williamsburg just in time to celebrate her birthday.

The thought gave her pause. She could just see the cloud of disappointment that her mother still held regarding her, the silence of her father, Nan's haughty pretentiousness, William's nonchalance, and Polly…well, she remembered how angry Polly had been when she left. Did she have any pretenses that they were going to be in a celebratory mood for her?

It was obvious to her that she would rather spend it here in Yorktown with her new family. These people knew how to laugh, how to love, and how to accept her.

Instantly, she felt guilty of her preference towards the Davidsons. A birthday was also a celebration of her parents, who had given her life, support, and unconditional love. One might say that she had turned her back on them with her decision to leave for Philadelphia, and now she had turned her favor to her future family-in-law.

"How old will you be?" Charlie had been quietly reading throughout breakfastime, but he spoke up now, thankfully interrupting Felicity's thoughts.

"I will be nineteen years old." Felicity replied, the number sounding completely foreign to her.

"Oh, that is such a good age. If I had to go back to any year of my life, I would choose to be nineteen." Charlotte said. "Why, I was nineteen when I met John, and it was until then that I did not understand what true happiness was."

"So I am to look forward to it?" Felicity humored Charlotte.

"Absolutely! You are no longer a child, but do not yet have the full responsibilities and consequences that an adult would have. I am so excited for you! Why, I remember attending so many parties and dances with my friends, doing our best to find a good match." Charlotte beamed. She looked at John, "John, honey, do you remember being nineteen?"

"Of course." John said. "I sailed down to the coast of Venezuela and back. Met some fascinating people, ate delicious food, and drank excellent rum. Blue seas, and warm sun. Think I told you all about it last night."

Charlotte turned to Ben, "And Ben? How was your nineteenth year?"

"Are you quite serious?" Ben asked as he raised an eyebrow. Felicity noted the tone in his voice.

Charlotte nodded. "Come tell us! It looks as though Felicity may have some misgivings about it, so we must put her at ease!"

Felicity winced, realizing that Charlotte must have forgotten that Ben was fighting with the Continental Army at that age. He crossed his arms at his chest and gave Charlotte a severe look, "I was either freezing my arse off in some New England foxhole or melting in the summer muck, starving and full of lice, the occasional sound of gunfire overhead."

Charlotte paled a bit, but managed a smile. "Little Brother, we are all so happy that you are with us, whole and healthy."

A bout of awkward silence permeated through the table, but Ben broke it up. "Actually, I do have one fond memory in my nineteenth year. I had two days off that coincided with Publick Times festival in Williamsburg, and I had the fortune to catch the eye of the Autumn Maiden."

Felicity blushed. She had been play-acting as the Autumn Maiden that year, and it was the first time she had seen Ben from the mindset that she was no longer a child. She wondered if Charlotte knew the full story in all of its charmingly embarrassing glory.

"The Autumn Maiden? Whatever do you mean?" Charlotte asked with interest.

Ben flicked his eyes towards Felicity, and she gave him a nod. The day had been completely humiliating for her, but as time passed the bad feelings lessened and gave way to a very silly and perhaps sweet memory. "Well, I won't go into too many of the particulars, but it was the first time I had seen Felicity in years. She was play acting as the Autumn Maiden at the festival, in full faerie costume, dancing and handing out sweets. I didn't even recognize her at first! It was probably the best day I had seen in ages, and reminded me the possibilities of a full life outside of the war, and it would be there waiting for me such as long as I survived. 'Tis easy to forget these things, you know, deep in the misery and hardship of it all, resigned to the thought that one day, there would be a bullet that had my name on it. It was that day forward that survival became very important to me."

Felicity stared at Ben, mouth slightly open. She had braced herself for Ben doing a mild retelling of how she had practically ambushed him with a kiss just to spite Annabelle. But for her, that wasn't completely it. It had been the day that she had realized she was no longer a child, and the kiss with Ben had awoken something within her. She could only imagine the depth that it held for Ben, and was so glad of her integral role in it.

John clasped his hands and leaned forward on the table. "Well, there might still be a bullet out there with your name on it. So what are you going to do about it?"

"John!" Gasped Charlotte.

John shrugged playfully. "I only meant to say that sometimes the fates are tricky. So we have to enjoy the lighter things in life. Not everything has to be a part of some great destiny."

Ben barked out a laugh at John's abrupt turn of the conversation. "What will I do? Well I suppose I'll take Felicity on a walkabout of my home town. 'Tis looking to be a beautiful day."

Felicity didn't want to miss a beat. "Anything in particular to see?"

"Everything." Ben grinned at her.

…..

"….and this is where we would always gather after school, to watch the giant ships coming to port." Ben said excitedly, pointing out at the massive docks. He could just imagine how it was, himself with seven or eight of his classmates, lined up at the railing to try and get a good look at the ship decks, imagining to where the ships had come from, and where they were going.

Next to him, Felicity put her hands on the wooden barrier and leaned backwards, closing her eyes towards the sun. "The air smells so wonderful here. I could just drink it in for days."

"'Tis the sea." Ben said, as he reached out to take her hand. "The strange thing is that I never really knew what folks would talk about when they spoke of the scent of salt in the air. Then I returned here after being in Williamsburg for so long and I finally knew what they were all speaking of."

"Hm." Felicity pondered his words. "So, what did Williamsburg smell like when you first arrived?"

Ben thought for a moment. "The air smelled differently, that's for sure. It took quite a while to place it. It was like….farmland. Damp Earth. Hay."

"Are you happy to be home?" Felicity asked.

Ben recognized from her tone that this could be a loaded question. He remembered her, point blank asking a similar question back when they were young. _"Are you happy here in Williamsburg?"_

 _If I say yes, she might interpret this as us needing to settle down in Yorktown. What if she would rather prefer Philadelphia, or Baltimore, or…or even Williamsburg?_

"I…," Not wanting to lie, Ben reached deep within himself to drum up an answer that he felt rang with the most truth. "I would say that I am just happy. Yes. If we were in Philadelphia, or Baltimore, or perhaps Alexandria, I would be just as happy."

Felicity blushed at his reply, and he felt himself melt. He was indeed truly happy. Prior to their stop at the main port, Ben had taken Felicity on a short tour of the town, which included a stop off at his old shack of an office. It had been there, he informed her, where he sat for many hours straight, day after day, not knowing when or how or even where he would be able to see her again. Felicity had said nothing in return, instead merely squeezing his hand.

Following that, Ben had stopped by the main building of the Asiatic office in Yorktown, which was much smaller than the grander branch in Philadelphia. There were few people about, and Ben explained to her that much of the staff in Yorktown was transient, always on the move. He had been fortunate enough to encounter Karl, who had been his direct superior at the time. He didn't realize it at the time, but Karl had taken on a bit of a fatherly role to him with his attempts to connect to him on a more personal level.

Karl had been delighted to finally meet Felicity after hearing so much about her, and he had spoken at length about how at ease Ben looked. There it was again, the contrast between who he is now, and the person he had been just a year ago. He could just picture himself now, scruffy and underdressed, a dull, bitter countenance about him, tinged with anxiousness.

He turned towards Felicity, who was once again looking off into the horizon. "And what of you, Love? Are you happy to be here?"

Felicity grinned at him. "Why, I reckon so!" She turned back towards the sea, a faraway look on her face.

"Penny for your thoughts?" Prodded Ben. Her mind was elsewhere, and he wished to bring it back from wherever it was, to here, in this place. Was she thinking about her birthday? It had been obvious that she was less than thrilled about it.

"Hm." Felicity started, looking skyward before glancing back down at the railing. "I wanted to ask you something. 'Tis a purely hypothetical question, of course."

"Ask away." Ben said, curious.

"If I-," Felicity paused, and appeared to choose her words carefully, "If I had in fact ended up marrying Joseph, would you have been okay?"

Ben knit his brows, wondering where this question had come from. If she had married the Physician? That prospect was long buried, why would she be thinking on it now?

Felicity looked down at her fingers, which tapped away on the railing. "I just…, I'm just thinking on what you said over breakfast as well as a few other things you've said in the past. You talked about how seeing me as the Autumn Maiden gave you a new hope for your life, and that you carried the prospect of…me. You wrote about it in your letters too, the letters I was not able to read until long after the war." She paused and swallowed. "Then you came back to us only to discover that I had a beau. I remember that you seemed okay with it. How did you reconcile this?"

"I suppose the state of being 'okay' is very fluid. Yes, I was 'okay' upon hearing that you were with the Physician." Ben had taken the news of it completely in stride, almost as if it was something to be completely expected.

 _Felicity has a beau? Of course she does._

He had also been in a state of recovery from a serious illness, so he hadn't the ability to get all in a fuss about anything. And by the time he had recovered, all of the shock had worn off.

"So that's it then? You would have been okay?" He could tell by Felicity's face that she was rather unsatisfied with that answer.

"Well, of course I didn't like it, but I was accepting of it. I guess…things were different for me then." Ben though backwards. He had returned to Williamsburg after his recovery, and things did feel very different. He often felt detached or disinterested at best, and downright melancholic at worst. These things could obviously be chalked up to the fact that he had been at war for three long years, but he would be foolish to deny that Felicity's attentions being elsewhere were a major factor in his mood.

A snippet of conversation from the past revealed itself.

 _"Are you going to be sad again?"_

That was Will's voice, long ago, as he had sat in a tavern with him and Walter, considering his future with a complete lack of ambition or motivation. The two of them had gotten used to his depressive bouts, and knew they were never far from the surface.

Still, knowing all of this, he would have been okay. He was a war veteran of sound mind and body, and he had his whole life ahead of him. But Felicity, on the other hand, he saw what kind of man Joseph was, and her growing discontent with him. He knew he wouldn't be able to live with himself knowing that she was unhappy.

He turned towards her to see her watching him quizzically, her brows furrowed in concern. He smiled at her, "In that alternative life in which you had wed Joseph and been happy of it, yes, I would have been alright. Not magnificent by any means, but alright." He watched her, waiting a moment before adding the second, most important part of this epiphany, "But in this life, now that I have you by my side and I know you just like this, the loss of you would be unbearable."

It was now on the tip of his tongue to reciprocate and ask Felicity a similar, hypothetical question. What would she think if he were to find another girl? But he looked at her now, the sun shining off of her hair and the gleam in her bright green eyes, and saw there was no need for it. She reached out her hand towards him and he took it, pulling her closer.

His other hand went to her waist, and he realized that they were now in the close position they learned for the waltz. Felicity made this same conclusion and grinned at him, and he hummed a few bars of the music and led her into the box-step, right there above the docks. He was well aware they the two of them were making a spectacle of themselves. It was only a few moments before Felicity fell into his arms giggling, and he embraced her.

They stayed like that for several moments as Ben glanced out towards the sea. There came the thought that he was leaving soon, far away from Felicity for a great long while, and he willed himself to be brave as she was.

 _There is no need to dwell on it. Just bask in the happiness you have now._

Felicity turned her head to the side, resting it upon Ben's shoulder. "Shall we head back home? I imagine your parents will be arriving soon. They will want to see that we have arrived whole and healthy."

"I reckon so." Ben said, reluctantly withdrawing his arms. The sun was low in the sky, which meant that evening was dawning upon them. He reached out and took her hand, and led her back home.

….

They returned to the Davidson's home to find somewhat of a tense situation within. Ben's sister Sarah had returned from her travels, and was there wishing to meet Felicity. Charlotte was also there, and Felicity had been led to believe that despite living in the same city, the two sisters had quite the rivalry. Charlotte was only a year and a half older than Sarah, and the women were both slender, with the same platinum blond hair and pale blue eyes. Felicity wondered if they were ever mistaken for twins, which she knew either predicted the best sibling relationship, or the bitterest feud.

Sarah greeted Felicity warmly and introduced her husband, Felix, then apologized for her absence the previous night. "I was called away to lead a special case, the birth of triplet babies!"

"Triplets?" Gasped Felicity. She had never head of such a thing outside of mythical tales and works of fiction. "All healthy? Were they boys? Girls?"

"Two girls and one boy." Remarked Sarah. "The mother was such a little bit of a thing, and everyone, including herself figured that she would be laying down her life. But she did excellently, and all are healthy."

"Oh, how wonderful!" Felicity said, trying not to think about the prospect of carrying three babies.

"Sarah, you fail to mention your own skill. You were the one that originally predicted there would be three, and surely that was the deciding factor, otherwise why would her husband insist that you travel such a distance?" Felix grinned, and Felicity picked up on a hint of an accent from him. It wasn't the Scandinavian accent that Ingrid had, nor was it French. She wondered if it would be too forward to ask him. He looked foreign as well, with hair that looked curly, yet was pomaded back into a masculine bun. His facial hair was likewise impeccably neat, trimmed into a perfect goatee and waxed into a point.

Felix turned to greet Ben, and Felicity saw out of the corner of her eye that Charlotte was wrestling with an armload of baskets, which she could see contained groceries and flowers. She jumped forward to take one of the baskets just before it toppled to the ground. "That was close," she said in a muttered breath, still struggling to correct her balance as the basket was filled to the brim with rather heavy ingredients. In a moment Ben was at her side, holding her steady.

"Whew!" Charlotte breathed, having set her armload safely on the table, "I'm so thankful of your observational skills, Felicity! Glad someone is of help around here!" She gave a sideways look towards Sarah, who responded by rolling her eyes.

At that moment, John came in, gesturing with his empty hands. "Char, I told you I'd bring in the flour and milk. You didn't need to carry the whole lot of it in one go!"

"You were busy!" Snapped Charlotte, "And I was thinking that I'd be able to get a little help from his lot in here!"

"No, I think you decided you would just take it upon yourself to carry it all in and display your suffering as usual." Sarah said, an amused smirk twisted upon her face.

Charlotte raised her chin and prepared a retort, but was held back by John, who put a hand on his wife's back. "So what is the plan then?" He asked, wrapping an arm around Charlotte's waist. "Venison stew was it?"

Felicity had taken Ben's offered hand and backed up against the wall, content to observe the drama that played out, but she straightened up as she heard the news of tonight's dinner. She knew an excellent recipe, boldly figuring it could pull a little tension out of the air. She glanced up at Ben, and was surprised to see amusement playing upon his face. "Ben?" she asked, "Are you smiling?"

Ben shrugged carelessly. "I feel like I am six years old again. That's all. Even though they live in the same town, it is rare they are in the same room together. But this is a special occasion, so they have to up and bear it."

"Did….did you want to go and help me prepare the stew?" Felicity asked, now amused in turn.

Ben looked straight at her, setting both palms on her shoulders for emphasis. "Absolutely not. You are the guest here, and I should not have let you cook the previous night either."

At that moment, the heavy latch sounded on the door, and all conversation stopped. In walked Samuel Davidson, with his wife right behind him. He did a double-take, as if he were surprised to see everyone gathered right there.

"Oh hello all! What a welcoming party! Were you all expecting us just right now?" Ingrid exclaimed, throwing her arms around Sarah, who happened to be standing closest.

"Of course, Mama." Sarah said, returning the hug. "We are all so glad you and Papa have made it safely."

"Clever Sarah, of course we have made this journey many times!" Ingrid remarked, tapping her lightly on the nose before moving on to embrace the next-in-proximity, who happened to be Charlotte. It was mid-hug when she saw Felicity and Ben hanging back, and pulled away from a rather offended-looking Charlotte as she rushed towards them. "Felicity and Ben! How wonderful! We saw Penny and Rosie outside so we knew you both made it no problems, but I see now how radiant you both look! Oh, the journey did you well, as I expected!" She rushed over and pulled them both into a hug.

Felicity was indeed happy to see Ingrid and Samuel again, and gave Ingrid a full embrace in return. "You and Samuel look quite fine yourselves! So the journey was pleasant?"

"Yes, but very long." Samuel said. "Now we must not get too comfortable here, as we will be leaving in the morning for Williamsburg."

"Oh, we will be quite comfortable there as well! Martha informed me in her letter that she was so happy at how all of this has worked out. Do you not remember?" Ingrid said, giving her husband a pointed look. Felicity noticed Samuel raising an eyebrow, as he was not too convinced of this. She wondered if the Davidsons, or at least Samuel harbored some ill feeling to how Ben was thrown out nearly a year and a half ago.

Or was it something else? She now saw how completely different the Davidsons were to her own mother and father, and wondered how the adults would get along.

 _We are all adults too,_ she reminded herself. _Myself and Ben. We just have to claim it._

Ben's insistence that Felicity not take part in dinner preparations fell to the wayside as her presence was key to keeping Charlotte and Sarah from destroying each other. It was no matter, the sisters were on their best behavior when she was present, and the three of them had a merry time putting the meal together. Sarah's fourteen year-old daughter, Annalise, came down from the library where the children were gathered, taking it upon herself to place each bowl with sprigs of mint and rosemary.

As Felicity originally guessed it would be, dinner was a lively affair. The table had been expanded to its' fullest length, all of the wood leaves inserted so that it might fit her and Ben, along with Ingrid and Samuel. Then, there was Charlotte and John, their children Henry and Christopher, and Sarah and Felix with their children, Annalise, twelve year-old Sigrid, nine year old Rose, five year-old Mary, and three year-old Bonnie. Felicity had always known large dinners to be a rather dull affair, wherein she had to listen in silence to the singular, often trite conversation between the adults. But at this table, there were at least three conversations going, perhaps maybe up to five if the scrambled dialogue between the youngest children would count.

Felicity, having been seated next to Sarah, took it upon herself to learn more about her future sister-in-law. Her husband, Felix was from Austria, and her two eldest children, Annalise and Sigrid were actually her nieces, adopted after the untimely death of Felix's brother and sister-in-law. Felicity was interested in Sarah's profession of midwifery, but held herself back from asking questions of such an improper topic, figuring there would be time enough for it later on.

The conversation seemed to still for a moment as Charlotte asked Ben what he had written in his letter of intent to Felicity's mother and father. Felicity turned her head to see Ben, red flooding his face at all of the sudden attention. He smiled bashfully, "Just all of the things I wanted to say."

"Oh?" Charlotte asked.

"I kept it, Er, traditionally formal of course, but all of the sentiment was there." Ben said, fumbling for the words.

"So the letter has been sent, and then you will sit down with Felicity's father and discuss…?" Charlotte trailed off, the curiosity evident in her voice.

Felicity reached for his hand and gave it a squeeze. She felt like a foreigner here, readily comfortable but unsure of the customs of this strange land. She already knew that Charlotte had a tendency to pry with obliviousness, and she knew that Ben was uncomfortable with such personal questions. Yet, it wasn't her place to speak up. Charlotte and Ben were brother and sister, and likely had these kinds of interactions for years past.

Luckily, someone else did speak up. "Ma, you are asking too many questions again. Why do you never see this?" Henry asked with exasperation. Felicity wondered how much he had been at the receiving end of this.

"Well, this is important." Samuel uncharacteristically spoke up. "Considering what happened the last time you proposed marriage, Ben, you are in a much better position as long as you present yourself well."

Felicity inwardly cringed, expecting a flare of temper from Ben at all of the prying questions and sore reminders. But Ben had seemingly gotten over his embarrassment, and gave everyone a smile. "Why yes, when you consider my last, very pathetic attempt was done as I laid recovering from a stab wound, soaking in fever, desperation, and poverty, well, I do believe I have a much better position!" He glanced around the table, "I reckon there will be a bit of nervousness given the gravity of the situation, but in all, I am not particularly worried." He waved his fork nonchalantly as if to emphasize his point before turning back to his dinner.

Felicity scoffed, her mood taking an abrupt detour. Of course Ben was not particularly worried about asking for her hand. Her mother and father, particularly her mother, she knew, would be quite relieved to get her married off to a decent husband. Wasn't it like Nan said, how Ben was the only man that would fit her special brand of subversiveness? Her mother probably prayed to God every single night, thanking Him for Ben's affections towards her disobedient eldest daughter!

"Felicity? Is something troubling you?" Ingrid asked.

Felicity looked up with a start, and gave the older woman a reassuring smile. "Not at all, Ma'am. 'Twas just thinking about something inconsequential."

Ingrid accepted this reply, and Felicity turned her attentions back to Ben. He had also picked up on her expression and met her with a raised eye brow, but she merely squeezed his hand with a smile and a realization that she was in complete agreement with her mother. _There would be no other man for me._

After dinner the entire family retired into the parlor for card games. Since there were so many of them, a tournament was quickly organized. Felicity stuck to Ben's side and they were named to a team, but were struck out in the first round after unluckily being matched with Charlotte and John, who would go on to defeat Henry and Annalise, Ingrid and Samuel, and lastly, Sarah and Felix in a rousing championship final to win the title. Shortly after their defeat, Sarah and Felix decided to call it a night and gathered their troupe of daughters to head home. Charlotte and John followed about a half-hour later after giving Felicity and Ben their best blessings for luck on their engagement.

Finally, they were left alone with Ingrid and Samuel, who soon set off to bed themselves, pleased to be back home after so many weeks away. Ingrid gave Felicity a rather prolonged hug, telling her once again, how happy she was to see the two of them together, and how happy she will be to see them engaged. _"It has been such a long time coming,"_ she said, not once, but at least twice. Felicity felt her own throat tighten up at the sentimental words, and squeezed her eyes shut to discourage any tears from coming. She thought back to the lively dinner with Ben's family, at Anna and William back in Philadelphia, and she wondered how lucky she was to now truly be a part of it.

After Ingrid and Samuel departed, Felicity found herself alone with Ben. He stood up and helped her to her feet. "We best get a move on ourselves. My mother and father always aim to leave early."

Felicity nodded in agreement, now thinking about her own preparations. All of her belongings were still packed in a trunk, and everything she had used here was borrowed, so there was little that she needed to do, but best to take a survey of her room and check….

Her thoughts trailed off as Ben braced her by the shoulders, and she blinked to bring herself into the present. The hearth was dying out and the light of the room had gone dim, and in this moment, it seemed like her perception of the world changed. The light of what remained of the fire danced off Ben's face as he looked upon her, and she held her breath without knowing why.

Finally, Ben leaned towards her, and spoke in a low tone.

"Am I to expect a visit from you tonight, Love?"

Her lips parted slightly as she thought of Ben's bed, the sight of him and the feel of his body within her. These thoughts had been in her mind all day, though she had been driven to momentary distraction by the whirlwind of Ben's family. She felt her whole body flush, and she opted not to give a verbal reply in favor of just letting a slow smile spread across her face.

He understood her perfectly and gave his own reply, merely taking his thumb and running it across her check. "Well, on with you then."

Still smiling, she backed away from him slowly at first, then turned and ascended the staircase with a mind to make her movements look graceful, knowing that Ben was still watching her. She paused and looked over the handrail to see him at the bottom stair. He grinned at her and nodded, encouraging her further. "Go on then, don't keep me waiting too long."

She stifled a giggle and retreated back to her room to undo her stays and petticoats, stripping all over her outer layers of clothing away to leave her simple shift. Her garters and stockings came off next, and she kept her feet bare so that they would sound quietly when she walked to his room. Now adequately disrobed, she sat down at the vanity and unplaited her hair, fingers moving quickly as she imagined the feel of Ben running his fingers through it.

Finally she was on her way, creeping quietly down the hallway to Ben's room, the way lit by a single candle that she carried. His door was open just a crack, and she rapped lightly before letting herself in, and closing it tightly behind herself. Ben was seated at his desk, writing something that she couldn't see. Upon her arrival, he smiled at her and replaced the quill into its stand. She met him halfway to his bed and he wrapped his arms around her.

"You're here." He simply said, whispering into her ear. She tilted her head slightly so that he could kiss her neck, the sensation sending a thrill to her very core. She wove her hands around him, pulling her fingers through his unbound hair.

From there, everything became almost a blur. In contrast to the previous night, the intent was clear. This time it was Ben that took the lead with no ounce of hesitation, and she let herself get lost in a sea of breaths, gasps, and smiles as he seemed to maneuver her with a ready knowledge of where she would get the most sensation. Afterwards, she collapsed back onto the pillows with Ben beside her, weaving his arm around her shoulders and drawing her close to him.

She laid her head upon his shoulder and gazed upwards at the canopy, attempting to piece together what had just transpired. She understood that sexual intimacy was a very innate, primal act, but she hadn't a clue about what she could do that would please Ben the most, not that he seemed displeased at all! It was that Ben seemed to know exactly what to do for her, she realized, as she thought of his hands guiding her hips as she sat atop him, and lacing around her back as he rolled the both of them over without compromising their closeness. It was as if her body was so familiar to him.

Suddenly, it hit her. "You've done this before," she said.

"Of course I have. You were there, no?" He turned towards her and ran a finger down her cheek, settling his palm just above her breast.

"No, I mean, your movements, all the things you did with your hands….it was all with such a familiarity that I could've sworn you knew my body better than I did!" Felicity knew that the rules of love and sex were different for men and women. It was acceptable for men to have relations out of wedlock, so it was not completely unexpected that Ben would've engaged in sexual intimacy at some point in his life.

"Hm. Perhaps I'll take that as a compliment." Ben said noncommittally, disregarding Felicity's epiphany.

"Why will you not answer my question? That you have done this before…before me." Felicity asked, stumbling slightly over the words.

Ben rolled over onto his back and sighed, letting a moment pass before he finally answered. "I suppose you've a right to know. Yes, I have."

Felicity was relieved that she felt no jealousy, only overwhelming curiosity. She had a past with Joseph, but Ben's past romantic life was a mystery to her. "Who was it? Someone close to you? I suppose I'd have known if it was serious…" She thought back to her childhood years, when Ben first had come to live with the Merrimans. He was about the age that Felicity was when she had started to take notice in men, but surely she would have known if Ben had a sweetheart.

Then again, perhaps it was in the years that followed. But this was unlikely, as Ben had been away, fighting a war, then spending a long recuperation back in Yorktown.

Now she was ready to admit to harboring a little jealousy. "You will not tell me? It wasn't…some kind of campfollower, was it?" She heard stories of women that followed companies of soldiers around, providing… _comfort_ in exchange for food and money.

Ben must have caught sight of her jealousy, and he gave her a reassuring smile. "No, I didn't partake in the campfollowers, nor the denziens of the whorestowns in any such city we passed through. These women were sad, desperate, and sick creatures and I tell you that it was the last thing on my mind."

"So who was it then?" Felicity was now aware of her complete lack of tact, but she was dying to know. _Who knew Ben in a way that I have known him?_

Ben sighed again, his eyes glazing over as he stared up at the canopy. "'Tis something I'm not very proud of. Well, I tell myself I shouldn't be ashamed, but it was a strange time." He turned back towards Felicity and fingered a few stray strands of her hair, as she told herself to be patient and let Ben tell his story.

"'Twas when I was sixteen, living in Williamsburg. There was a customer, a young widow, to be precise that came in quite often. It was through a series of encounters that she convinced me to pay her regular visits, and I soon found myself engaged in an affair with her." He withdrew his hand stared back at the canopy. "You will have to understand that I won't divulge her name. She is likely to still be in Williamsburg, and I know that you are acquainted with her. She became engaged to a respectable man, also a widower and the affair ended."

Felicity understood well enough the importance of secrecy, especially when it came to a place as rigid as Williamsburg. She looked towards Ben, who was now lost in his memories.

She fully understood his reasons for not divulging her name, but she still felt as though she had a right to a little more information. "So a young widow, you say? How young? In her twenties?"

"I didn't know of her exact age, but she was in her early forties." Ben said, putting an arm behind his head.

"Forties?" Felicity exclaimed, "You claimed that she was young!" She kept her tone lighthearted, knowing that Ben was likely very sensitive about this.

"Well, young as compared to, say, the Smith Widow." Ben pointed out.

Felicity felt a strange peal of laughter coming on, but she held onto it. "Were you not but sixteen? Nearly three times your age! Why, you were her pet!"

Ben sighed again and Felicity wondered if she had gone too far, but he smiled ruefully. "Seventeen, mind you. And aye, I suppose I was but a pet to her."

Felicity laid back on her pillow, now thinking of the many literary examples where much older, experienced women seduced young men, teaching them all the ways and means of sexual love. The bite of jealousy came back to her, and she was now fully aware of it.

"Do you think differently of me?" Ben asked anxiously.

Felicity shook her head. "I'm just thinking that…I suppose…," she started, not knowing how to make her point known, "A more experienced woman….perhaps I wonder how I match up."

"Oh, no you don't!" Ben rolled over and nearly on top of her, covering her neck in small kisses. "Don't go on comparing yourself. 'Twas another life time ago, and it was such a brief affair. You, are my full, realized love. Do you understand me, Felicity Merriman?"

Felicity grinned as he hit a sensitive spot just under her ear, and felt him whisper against her, "I am yours, to do with whatever you want of me. Now, don't you forget that. Ever."

She knew that she wouldn't.

…..

A/N

1) In any relationship, there is always the hypothetical conversations, the ones that discuss the "what were you before me?" and alternatively, "what would you be without me.?" I wanted Ben and Felicity to have these talks, with Felicity wondering more about Ben as she was involved with Joseph, as well as Ben's past relationships.

2) Once again, natural family planning is NOT a reliable method of birth control. Felicity is obviously winging it when she talks about how it works.

3) As we expected, Ben is a glutton for punishment.

4) I wanted one more happy interlude before we got into more serious stuff. Next up, we arrive back in Williamsburg.

5) Please forgive any typos or editing mistakes. It's late and I have a bad cold.


	28. Chapter 28

The road was smooth, so Felicity leaned her cheek against the windowpane of the Davidson's riding carriage and watched the farmlands go by. Her fingers relaxed their grip on a book in her lap, and she idly tried to remember what it was that she had borrowed from the library just before leaving Yorktown.

Ah yes. _A Vindication of the Rights of Woman._ Mary Wollstonecraft.

The binding had caught her eye as she was idly looking for something that would tide her over on the half-day's ride to Williamsburg, and Charlotte had demanded that she read it. It was an understatement to say that the subject was fascinating to her, but for the past few hours, she had found herself completely unable to focus.

A quick glance next to her showed that Ben was asleep, his head lolling against the opposite windowpane and mouth slack. She marveled at how easily he had been able to find sleep throughout this entire ride. Her mind was completely distracted with the thoughts of the family and friends that she would soon see, and she reminded herself that she had been gone only five months.

 _Perhaps_ , she told herself, _you should make an effort to relax just as Ben is relaxing._

The carriage hit a rather large bump and Ben was jostled awake. He looked around at his surroundings as if to figure out just where he was and why, turning towards her with sleepy eyes, "I think Dad did that on purpose."

"Did what?" Felicity asked.

"He saw a nice rock or a rut in the road and decided to run it over." Ben leaned towards her and plucked the book away, setting it on the floor of the carriage. He then laid across the entire backseat and rested his head in her lap. "He just does strange things sometimes. How can I explain my father's behavior?"

Felicity wanted to inquire further as to what Ben was talking about, but figured these were just the declarations of a man half-asleep. She inwardly chuckled at the thought of Samuel Davidson getting some amusement out of making the carriage jump. "Well, let us hope that he does it again. You have slept through nearly this entire journey, and I am wanting for company!" She joked, running her hands through Ben's hair as his hand gripped her knee.

"I trust you will lead the repairs when the whole carriage breaks down then," muttered Ben, his eyes closed once more.

Felicity decided not to bother him further. A shiny object caught her eye, and she realized that Ben's pocket watch had slipped from its place, revealing that they were now five hours into their journey. By her knowledge of the road, it would be just about one more hour until they reached Williamsburg.

She thought of her home once again, or more specifically, what would be waiting there for her. Would the whole family be there? Surely, her arrival after so many months would entice the whole family to set aside their daily obligations to welcome her back!

 _So many months? You act as though you've been away for years._

The woods that passed by the window turned to small farms, and the houses became more closely-spaced until the roads widened, marking their entrance into the city. The carriage had turned onto Duke of Glouchester street when Ben suddenly sat up, looking completely oriented and alert as if he had been awake for hours.

"Ah, finally! Williamsburg!" He said, as he neatened his hair and tied it back.

Felicity nodded, swallowing away her apprehension as she reminded herself that this was something to be excited over. She glanced out the window and took in the sights that had surrounded her everyday for the first eighteen years of her life. And truly, all the fond memories that she had associated with her childhood came back to her, chasing away the negative emotions that she had so recently associated with the town she grew up in. She looked out to the wide street, and remembered all the happy hours she spent with Elizabeth as they gallivanted along their way.

A thrill went through her chest as she thought of Elizabeth, how she would be seeing her dear friend once again. There were so many things to tell her! She knew, deep down that the unpleasantness of these last few months would be forgotten, a mere drop in the hat of a friendship that lasted years.

She sat up straighter in her seat as they rode past her father's store, its door wide open to welcome the warm springtime air. She glanced at Ben, and there was the impulse to take the cane and knock it against the roof to stop the carriage so that she might run out and see the shop again, to take in the sights and smells of it that had filled her most formative years.

"Sure brings back memories," commented Ben.

Felicity looked at him, realizing that he had been away for nearly two years now. She reached out and squeezed his hand. He grinned at her, and she felt all traces of nervousness disappear, replaced by an excitement at the prospect of walking through town that she grew up with her head held high and all of the laurels she had collected for herself in just the few months she had been away. _I am an author and a governess and I am soon to be engaged…._

The carriage pulled up to her parents' home, and she waited as per society dictated for Ben to jump out and walk around to help her down. Ingrid gave her shoulder a squeeze, and the four of them walked to the door, Felicity in the lead. She had her own key, but used the knocker instead to alert her family that she had arrived.

The door swung open to reveal her mother, and Felicity grinned widely. "Mother! Hello! 'Tis so good to see you!"

Martha Merriman looked just as she did on the day that Felicity had left, and she reminded herself for what felt like the millionth time that she had only been gone five months. _A season, and that is all. Of course Mother is not going to suddenly look like an old crone!_

Her mother gave a polite, yet still friendly smile at everyone. "Samuel and Ingrid, how pleasant it is to see you both looking so well! And Ben! I am happy you see you here, once again. Please do come in." She gave Felicity a wordless smile, but there was something less warm, almost unreadable in her eyes.

Felicity led the group into her home, and glanced back briefly just to see a look of relief on Ben's face, possibly at her mother's warm greeting towards him. This wasn't surprising, as she had always had a soft spot for Ben.

Her mother gestured for them all to sit in the parlor. "Sit and rest, please! I'll bring some tea around."

She turned and was on her way to the kitchen when Felicity stood up. "I'll give you a hand, Mother."

"No, no, Lissie, why don't you just rest for a moment as well? I'll have everything right up." She gave the same thin smile, before turning and making her way to the kitchen.

Felicity paused for a moment before sitting back down, contemplating her mother's demeanor towards her. Perhaps her mother was just distracted by the presence of Ben's parents, and wanted to play the good hostess. Martha Merriman was never one for sentimentalities.

She realized she was staring down at her lap in what was likely a very awkward manner, and glanced up to notice that Ben, Ingrid, and Samuel were all watching her. Did they take notice of her mother's less than warm welcome of her? She gave everyone a reassuring smile and prepared herself to engage in small talk when the front door opened, and in stepped Nan.

"Lissie, I saw the carriage outside and I figured you had returned." Felicity stood up regarded Nan. While her mother had not looked any different, the five months that had passed seemed to have completely changed Nan. She was now sixteen years old and nearly as tall as Felicity. Her face had taken on a metamorphosis that was slight, yet the subtle differences made it clear that she was at the precipice of adulthood. All traces of childishness had gone from her face, revealing the same pointed chin and pronounced cheekbones that Felicity had.

Nan warmly embraced Felicity, but freed herself from the hug to bring her attention to Samuel and Ingrid. She gave a proper curtsey. "Mr. and Mrs. Davidson, welcome to our home. It is so good to see you both again, in seemingly good health!"

"My dear Nan! Look at you! So grown up and pretty now!" Ingrid exclaimed, putting Felicity's thoughts into words.

Nan turned to Ben and embraced him in kind. "Ben, 'tis good to have you back here. You are looking much better than the last time I saw you. Thank you for staying true to us and for forgiving Lissie."

Felicity felt her lips part in surprise. "Beg pardon? Forgiving me?"

Nan looked square at Felicity. "For calling off the engagement. At some point everything must have been forgiven, because here you all are, together." She smiled warmly at Felicity as if her rather pointed words had no effect.

Ben had flushed slightly. "There was nothing to forgive. The fault was all mine, and Felicity was the forgiving soul. Not me."

Felicity knew that Ben was being rather severe to himself. If there was fault, it belonged to the both of them. But she had once told herself long ago to not engage Nan in discussions of such a complicated topic as love. The younger girl either did not understand, or refused to understand the emotion!

"I find that a little hard to believe, based on my experiences with both you and Lissie!" Nan once again gave them her warm smile, and when Felicity failed to return it, she chuckled. "Come now, I missed you dearly, Sister. I was merely joking."

"Well, at least you wish to sit and joke with me." Felicity said, her mood turning slightly dark. "Mother barely said two words to me, barely looked my way." She knew it was rather informal to say these things in front of Samuel and Ingrid, but they were practically her family, were they not?

Nan shrugged. "Mother is quite nervous about tomorrow, you will have to forgive her. I didn't think it possible to unnerve her, but I have accomplished it!" she spoke with a cheery tone, and Felicity picked up on the idea that there was big news coming.

"Oh?" She asked, leaning forwards in her chair.

"I have a potential suitor, and he will be dining with us tomorrow evening!" Nan's chin rose as her face flushed, and Felicity felt a swell of pride for her younger sister.

"Oh Nan, that is fantastic! I am so happy for you." Felicity grinned. _Nan has her first suitor!_

Ben nodded. "Congratulations Nan. I look forward to meeting him. Although, as your honorary older brother, I warn you that I will be sizing him up."

"Do your worst then, older _brother_ ," grinned Nan.

Felicity then noticed that Ingrid and Samuel, after offering their congratulations exchanged a few words in Swedish, quietly under their breaths. Ben flicked his eyes back at them, a warning expression on his face.

Nan did not notice, as she continued to chatter on, "His name is Adam Colton, and he is studying law at the College of William and Mary. His father has connections to the new State Assembly of Virginia, so he has a promising career in politics!"

Felicity was listening to Nan intently, but she did not miss Ben's look of reproach towards his parents. She pulled herself out of the whirl of Nan's excitement, and remembered her early giddiness at Joseph's attention. She had also been sixteen, the same age that Nan was. Caught up in her own girlish awkwardness, it was strange and intoxicating to have the attention of an intelligent, established gentleman.

"This is all wonderful to hear, Nan. I very much look forward to becoming acquainted with him, but I warn you that I will also attend to my own due diligence that he is right for you." Felicity reached out and squeezed Nan's hand.

Nana stood up and curtseyed once again towards the Davidsons. "Please excuse me, I shall go and help Mother in the kitchen."

Once Nan was out of earshot, Ben leaned towards his parents. "You both needn't be so rude. We are guests here, remember? You need to speak English, or keep your words to yourself."

"But tomorrow is Felicity's birthday! And there has been no mention of it from either her mother or her sister. The festivities should be concerning Felicity." Ingrid clicked her tongue in disproval. "And Ben, the next few days are going to be very important, very monumental in the life that you and Felicity will be building together. I hope that the both of you are not forgotten."

"Ingrid, really. I am fine. I half-expected it to be like this. And I am excited for Nan, truly." Felicity said, hoping to calm the look of indignation on the older woman's face.

Ingrid raised her chin and prepared to speak again, but Samuel reached over and put his hand on top of hers. "We just arrived. Please do not fret over this, our son will get his attention in due time, I'm sure of it."

"Not just that," Ingrid's words would not be held back, "Don't let Nan's appearance fool you. She is but sixteen, is she not? Much too young. Samuel, don't you remember the rules for our daughters? Nineteen at a minimum! She is happy enough now and that is all wonderful, but I guarantee you that her mind still has yet to grow."

The four of them hushed and sat up straight as Martha Merriman and Nan returned with trays of tea and biscuits for everyone. Felicity jumped up once again to assist with serving, but her mother insisted she sit. "Please Lissie, you must be tired after your journey," she said with a wave of her hand.

Felicity did so, folding her hands in her lap and watching as Nan took all of the careful steps of the tea ceremony that she too had once learned. It was strange, sitting in her own parlor, being waited on as if she were a guest. There was something so…so _off_ about the whole situation. This was her childhood home.

She managed to relax a little, getting as pulled to the extent that she could during the obligatory polite conversation that followed over how well Samuel and Ingrid looked, how fine the weather in Yorktown was, and the holiday in Philadelphia. Felicity knew that she needed to be careful here, not to slip up and give away the fact that Ben was with her in Philadelphia for the entire Christmastide. She had promised him that she would tell her parents and end their deceptions, but this was not the correct time.

She studied her mother, who had a pleasant expression across her face. She knew that it was genuine; Ingrid was an excellent conversationalist and had the ability to charm anyone. She too needed to be charming. Her stay in Philadelphia was not the turning point of anything, she had merely needed a time-out from her life in Williamsburg. If her mother was cold to her, she would ignore it and speak with warm words. It was true that tomorrow was her birthday, but it also was an important day for Nan and she would abide by that. She folded her hands in her lap and listened intently to news of Polly's education with Miss Manderly.

Eventually, Samuel and Ingrid were shown to the guest room so that they might have a rest before dinnertime, and Felicity and Ben were permitted to go on to her father's general store. After all, there were a few things to pick up, and Felicity would get to see her father and William.

She walked hand-in hand with Ben down Duke of Gloucester street, in the direction of Merriman's General Store. She had grown so used to such public displays of affection that the memories of hiding her relationship with Ben seemed so stifling. How could she have lived like that? There was a thought that she might run into someone she knew, a prospect that was both enticing and terrifying. But, a steady rain had begun, and the streets emptied out as the citizens of Williamsburg sought shelter.

Ben removed his coat and held it above the both of them for the remainder of the short walk, draping it to dry on the stair rails outside of the store. He then held the door open as Felicity stepped through, the familiar thrill sounding through her as she recognized the sights and smells of it. There were the high shelves filled with jars of spices, which she had a hand in organizing based on color, the display of gardening tools that marked the early Spring season, the barrels of flour and barley, loaves of sugar, wrapped in colorful paper…

"Lissie? Ben! You're here!" A not-so-familiar voice called out, and Felicity turned her attention towards it. She blinked in surprise to see her now thirteen-year old brother, William, standing behind the counter. She knew that he was at that age when the signs of childhood rapidly disappeared, but she was still shocked to see that he had picked up several more inches since she had left. And his voice, he no longer had the awkward crackle of adolescence, but his voice had deepened to sounding much like their father. Both Nan and William were practically grown up, it was such a wonder!

William vaulted over the counter much like she had seen Ben do when he was in a hurry, meeting Felicity in an uncharacteristic embrace before releasing her and shaking Ben's hand. "So how were your travels? You both came from Yorktown, correct? And before that, Lissie, you traveled from Philadelphia. How was it, to be going for such a long distance? What is Philadelphia like? Did you see the State House? Why, did you meet Ben Franklin?"

He chattered on in his still unfamiliar voice, blind to his excitable tone and Felicity grinned, now realizing that she had very much missed her brother. "The travels were long, but very much satisfying," she summed up, figuring that she would later tell William the truth of how she had traveled separately with Ben through the wilderness. If anyone from her family she trusted to this secret, it was him. "And pray tell, how are you doing?"

William shrugged noncommittally, abruptly bringing himself back to the typical sense of apathy he wore. "Eh, all's fine here."

"Just as I left it?" Felicity asked.

"Just as you left it," repeated William. "Nothing ever happens in this town, you know that. Well, maybe that Elizabeth is going to have a baby and that is _something_ indeed but I reckon you knew that too. Father is in the counting room, if you wanted to say hello." He gestured to the back.

Felicity started to the back room, but Ben touched her shoulder. "Lissie, I'll go and say hello first, if you don't mind. I'll tell your father that I insisted." She gave a nod, and Ben disappeared towards the back.

Felicity turned back to William, and felt a whole ton of unanswered questions surface. "So Nan has a suitor? I did not receive a peep about this in any of the letters that I received."

William shrugged. "'Tis strange, I know. Nan has been particularly annoying about it. She did not wish to make you feel down about your circumstances, as she put it. You know, since Ben and you broke it off."

Felicity was taken aback. "I most certainly would not be…what did you call it? Down on my circumstances?" Where would Nan have gotten that idea?

"You've no reason to be since you and Ben are back together." William stated the obvious. "But now there is no problem as I see it."

"Well, good then." Felicity said with some awkward finality. "But you could have told me in your letters. I thought we were honest and open with one another with secrets!" She added reproachfully.

William shrugged. "'Twas not really a secret, just none of my concern or business."

Felicity tapped her fingers on the counter as she thought. Nan having her first serious suitor was big news, significant enough to the point that she still hadn't fully internalized it. "What else might Mother and Father be keeping from me? You haven't decided to go away and enroll at Yale or Harvard, have you?" She said half-jokingly.

William snorted. "You know those aren't really options for me. I'm inheriting this store, and that's the plan. Decided on the day I was born." He flicked his eyes back towards the counting room briefly, then back at her. "There is something I've picked up on. A bit of tension. Maybe it will be beneficial to tell you this, although I'd rather not it be traced to me."

Felicity leaned towards him in interest, and he spoke. "We are having Nan's suitor-man over for dinner tomorrow. 'Twas supposed to be earlier, but he needed to go out of town for some kind of family matter. Nan was quite upset and I think Mother was concerned over delaying it, and I overheard them talking. They would rather it be held while you were not here."

"Beg pardon? Why would they not want me there?" Felicity arched an eyebrow.

William shrugged again. "This could all be hearsay, but Nan is worried about appearances, of course. She and Mother think you are a loose cannon, that you feel you have no need for manners. But Father assures them that it would be good to have Ben's mum and dad there to help keep you in check."

Felicity suppressed a laugh. Did they know anything about Ingrid? And the assumption that she was a poorly-mannered loose cannon! "I'll have the lot of you know that I have my full senses about me, and I can behave perfectly well in a formal social setting! 'Tis absurd that any of you would think otherwise!"

William held up his hands in self-defense. "Nan seems to think you've gone a bit funny. She and mother were saying that you broke it off with Ben at one point, determined to go it alone."

Felicity narrowed her eyes. "Ben and I are fine, as you can see."

"I know, I know!" William said. "Mother and Father were so happy to receive the letters saying so."

"Then what of it?" Felicity asked. "Why would they still be worried? All's well that end's well with Ben! He is set to formally ask for my hand this week!"

William blushed, suddenly seeming embarrassed. "Don't make me speak of it."

"Talk." Felicity demanded, heat rising in her face.

William twisted his fingers uncomfortably. "It was something that Polly said. She claimed that during the celebratory dinner, back when the Rebels defended Yorktown, she saw Ben removing your stocking under the table."

"I…," Felicity remembered being giddy on wine, prodding Ben under the table with her foot. She only meant to draw his attention, but he had upped the ante. She clapped her hand over her mouth and could not suppress a smile at the memory. She thought for a moment, realizing that the timeline didn't match up; it had been far before she and Ben were discovered. "When did she speak of this?"

"When Father was interrogating us over what we knew about you and Ben." William said. "We all got into a lot of trouble over it."

"Anyways," Felicity stressed, "that was years ago! Why hasn't anyone come off of it?"

William shrugged. "According to Nan and Mother it serves as proof that you don't know how to be proper. Honestly though, I prefer to be left out of these conversations, you know this. Can we change the subject? I see Ben looks well, much better than the last time I saw him!" He smiled with false cheerfulness.

Felicity could not peel herself away, "I'll have you know that Ben and I attended a rather splendid ball together, the anniversary celebration of his company! Why, we were quite the charming pair indeed! Nan and Mother should have seen it!"

William shrugged again, apparently not having much more to say about the topic.

…

After taking his leave of Felicity and William, Ben headed towards the back room of Merriman's General Store. He passed by the fully stocked shelves of the storeroom, a thankful hint that business was well. The door to the counting room was open, and Edward Merriman was there, seated at the large desk within. He turned, a genial smile spreading across his face as he stood.

"Ben," he said, extending his hand. "'Tis good to see you here again. How were your travels?"

"Likewise, Sir. And my travels were fine."

"And your mother and father?"

"They are quite fine too. Having a rest at your home."

"And Lissie? Is she resting as well?"

"Lissie is here, speaking with William out front. She was on her way to greet you, but I asked her to wait a moment so that I might have a few words with you first." Ben swallowed uncomfortably, squaring his shoulders. Mr. Merriman watched him expectantly, wearing the same kind expression he had always known. "Sir, I hope you have forgiven all of the past transgressions that I have made. I am here to present my case honorably to you and to your wife." He had pictured himself saying these words over and over for the past two years, and now, that he spoke them aloud, they sounded entirely too formal, too groveling, too stiff. But, at least they were spoken.

"Ben," Mr. Merriman clapped a hand on his shoulder, "of course you are forgiven, and Lissie is too. I don't believe we should dwell in the past now that there are good things for us in the future."

Ben managed a smile, not quite finished yet. "Sir, I request an audience with you and your wife so that I might make a case for your daughter's hand." There. These words were also said with perfect precision. _Father would be so pleased with me._

"Of course, Lad. You shall have an audience. There is much for us to discuss. How many days will you be here in Williamsburg?"

"Two weeks, Sir."

Mr. Merriman looked past him and Ben stepped out of the way. "Then there is plenty of time for us to talk about such matters. I hoped that I might greet Lissie, if she is here! It has been much too quiet here without her."

Ben followed Mr. Merriman into the front of the store where Felicity and William had their heads close together, talking in hushed voices. Felicity looked up as she saw her father, a big smile spreading across her face. Mr. Merriman embraced her fully, and Ben was happy to see it after witnessing her mother's rather cold manner towards her.

"Lissie," he said, "welcome home. I've missed you terribly, and I'm so glad you've made your way back here just in time to celebrate your birthday."

Ben noticed Mr. Merriman's use of _I've_ , not _we_. Did he decide not to speak for his wife intentionally?

 _Of course Mrs. Merriman missed Felicity! Come off of it now._ He studied Felicity's face, happy to be reunited with her father. If she had paid detail to Mr. Merriman's words, it did not show.

The shop was near closing time and Ben offered to assist with the evening tasks, but Mr. Merriman refused. "The both of you must be tired after your travels. William and I will have no trouble finishing up here."

Ben gave a slow nod, wondering if he should protest. It was just like how Mrs. Merriman had refused Felicity's help with the refreshments. He noticed William's reproachful look at losing two pairs of capable hands, and Felicity stepped forward. "We would be happy to lend a hand, Father. Why not let us stay? We are not the least bit tired, why, Ben slept the entire journey!"

"Run along home now, I insist!" Mr. Merriman ordered. His voice was firm, though his countenance had not lost any of the happiness he had shown upon seeing the two of them.

Ben held his breath, ready to step in just in case Felicity would protest once more, but she conceded. "Alright then, we will be waiting for the both of you at home."

Outside, the storm had passed by as quickly as it had rolled in. Felicity and Ben walked home hand in hand through the muddy streets, an easy silence between them until Felicity spoke up. "I keep reminding myself that I've only been gone for just a few months, as Nan and William both seem to be so much more grown-up!"

"Just in the short time you have been away, there has been a noticeable difference?" Ben asked. He agreed with her that the two of them looked so much older, but it was clearly expected as he had been away nearly two years.

"And Nan has her first suitor!" Felicity exclaimed, exaggeratedly swinging her arm that was attached to Ben's hand. He winced at the unexpected pull on his shoulder, although Felicity did not notice as she continued, "Your parents seem to think she is too young."

"Do you agree with them?" Ben asked. He had long since learned how to deflect potentially loaded comments.

Felicity thought for a moment before answering. "I do. I was sixteen when I met Joseph. You can see how that ended. Luckily I had the self-awareness to see what he was doing to me."

"Nan is smart." Ben said. "I think she should be able to recognize a scoundrel."

Felicity gave him a strange look, which slightly unnerved him. Did he inadvertently suggest that Nan was smarter than Felicity had been? "What I meant was, I do agree with my parents and with you that Nan is too young. But 'tis a lesson that she might need to learn. She is lucky that you have had your experiences with a terrible suitor and will be looking out for her," he added quickly.

"If she were to take any advice that I might give, why, that would be a shock indeed," grumbled Felicity.

"What about your mother?" Ben pressed. "I'm sure that she would keep an eye on the situation."

Felicity thought for a moment. "Yes, perhaps she might. Nan has always had a special bond with my mother that I could never get for myself, try as I might." Her voice had gone slightly bitter. "Mother perhaps was relieved enough that a respectable man was interested in me that she was willing to look beyond my growing discontent. I imagine she would vet Nan's suitors a critical eye, being that she is the favorite daughter and all."

Ben wanted to tell Felicity to come off of it, to assure her that Martha Merriman loved all of her daughters equally. But, he did not dare try to counter the lifetime of experiences she had with her mother. He stopped right there in the street and pulled her close to him. "It seems this visit is already shaping up to be a poor one."

The corner of Felicity's mouth twitched. "Well, let's not go that far. We just arrived."

"What I meant to say was that we just need to keep in mind what is truly important," Ben clarified. "I'll ask for your hand, and we will be engaged. I will pay a visit to Will, and to Walter's mother and father. I'll spend some quality time with William and Polly if they wish it, and I'll see about your sister's suitor."

"Right." Felicity smiled. "I'll pay a visit to Elizabeth and perhaps to Annabelle, and I too will spend some time with my siblings." Her smile faded as quickly as it had come, and he saw a troubled look in her eyes.

Ben put his hands on top of her shoulders, then rubbed his thumb across her cheek as if he were sweeping away a tear. "We can only move forward, my Love."

Felicity exhaled through her nose, finally nodding at Ben. "Alright. I'll stop dwelling over my mother and concentrate on everyone else here. And honestly, I look forward to seeing Elizabeth again. It has been far too long since we have spoken, and there is nearly enough to talk about!" She took up his hand again, and led him along. "I'll see if I can get Nan alone, and find out more about this suitor that she has."

 _That's the spirit_ , Ben thought, contemplating his own actions over the next few days. He knew that it was likely that he would need to give a similar sort of placating speech to his own parents, or, at least his mother.

The two of them returned home and parted ways, with Felicity heading up to her room to unpack and settle in, and Ben likewise taking his belongings up to his old room above the Merriman's loft. He swung open the door, and was greeted by everything just as he left it. The bed was made up with his old pile of quilts, the makeshift closet contained clothes that he had not bothered to pack during his previous hasty departure, and the desk still held his old quill set. He took it all to mean that the Merrimans hadn't banished him completely from their lives, but only for a brief time. He would return, and re-integrate himself into the family.

The desk held a stack of various papers, and his curiosity got the best of him. What exactly had he been writing in the weeks and days up to when he was stabbed? Further investigation showed that this was not actually his handwriting, but a feminine scrawl that seemed to get messier the deeper he went into the stack. He paused to read one of the sheets.

 _Polly Merriman + Sarah McIvenns_

 _Best Friends Forever_

 _September 17th, 1783_

Many of the other sheets contained bits of scripture, copied poems, and small doodles of flowers and houses. So, Polly had turned his room into her new meeting place! Ben grinned to himself as he imagined the little girl and her friends up here, writing and studying and planning.

He turned towards the task at hand, unlatching his travel chest to reveal stacks of clothing that had been tightly-packed over the course of nearly three weeks. He pulled several articles of clothing out and tossed them upon the bed so that they could decompress a bit, then stripped off his own shirt and rifled through them for one that he wanted to wear. A glance back at the closet reminded him that he still had a few shirts hanging there, and he figured that it was just as well to wear an old one.

He held up one shirt and examined it, realizing that this one had a ripped collar. It was the same shirt that he had been wearing the night of the brawl, the same night in which he had confessed his love to Felicity and implored her not to marry Joseph. Yes, this shirt held a special memory indeed!

Then again, it had a rotten association as well. It had been torn by one of Joseph's weasel-y friends, the same one who later assaulted Felicity. He still cursed himself out for not being there to protect her. There remained a burning obligation to go and get his revenge for Felicity, but last he heard, the main was incarcerated for a separate incident. He would just have to continue to live with doing nothing.

"Ben?" The tentative voice of a girl rang out, and Ben jumped, startled. He spun around to see the one and only Polly Merriman standing there, wearing the expression of a guilty person.

"Polly!" Ben exclaimed, hastily putting the torn shirt on, "I did not hear you come in! My sincerest apologies for my lack of dress."

Polly's eyes were wide. "I'm very sorry to disturb you! I just came from my lessons and I did not know you had arrived and were here in Williamsburg! I opened the door and you did not notice, so I thought about trying to leave quietly as possible but didn't think I could sneak out without you noticing so I am very sorry!" She spoke quickly, her face deepening to a blush.

"Polly." Ben spoke her name calmly, hoping to assure her. "I am fine, you have not disturbed me. I am so happy to see you again." He knelt down to her level and held out his arms.

Polly grinned, then ran to him and embraced him. "I am also happy see you again Ben." She stepped back, once again watching him with concerned eyes. "What happened to your back?"

"My back?" Ben asked, confused.

"'Tis full of scratches. Does it hurt?" Polly said, chewing on a fingernail.

 _Oh, hell and damnation._ His back. He now remembered that Felicity had raked him with her fingernails during both of their…sessions. She had made him promise to not let anyone see his back until they had properly healed.

"'Tis nothing, Polly. I had completely forgotten they were there!" Ben said lightheartedly. He rapidly tried to come up with an innocent explanation.

Thankfully, Polly seemed to forget about it. "Are your mother and father here too?" She asked.

"They are!" Ben replied, "and of course Felicity is here too, back from Philadelphia. She missed you terribly and is excited to see you again."

"Hm." Ben could see that Polly was less than enthused about seeing her sister again. He remembered Felicity mentioning that Polly had been angry at Felicity about her decision to leave, and hoped that Polly would not just become one more person to give Felicity the proverbial cold shoulder. He focused back on the girl again, wondering if there would be anything he could say to prevent this.

"Well, I guess I'll go and say hello." Polly said. She dipped into a curtsey. "Goodbye Ben."

"And goodbye to you too, Polly." Ben gave her a slight bow.

Polly left, closing the door behind her. Ben wondered if he should go and latch it fully closed, but figured there was no need. He fingered the torn collar of his shirt, and glanced down at his old bed. He knew that he didn't need a rest, but figured that there was not much else that needed to be done at the moment. Perhaps he could do a bit of thinking. Was it his imagination, or was there a bit of a storm brewing? Felicity's fears may have come true, that there was still some unspoken animosity between her and her mother. She had William on her side for sure, but would she also have her father? He knew that Nan often liked to stay diplomatically neutral, but would likely side with her mother if it came down to it. And now there was Polly…he was sure that Felicity had not counted on Polly turning against her!

 _She has me. And she has my family._ _She will always find a place with us even during my absence_. But therein lay another problem. His parents had gotten along quite well with the Merrimans over the years, but he knew that his father had taken umbrage at how Ben had been dismissed and cast out. His mother was fiercely protective of Felicity and this of course was excellent, but he still worried about her lashing out at a moment of injustice, either perceived or real.

Ben closed his eyes as the mental conflicts swarmed his mind. He reminded himself that his task was to first and foremost stand by Felicity. He hoped there would be no other trouble.

…

"Is this seat spoken for?" Felicity asked as she stepped into the parlor. Nan was seated alone there, attending to a pile of mending.

"By all means." Nan gestured to the empty chair, then turned back to her work.

Instead of sitting, Felicity knelt down and dug through the basket, retrieving the pouch that contained the spare sewing kit and what looked to be one of her father's shirts. She then sat down, skimming over the cloth to look for what needed repairing.

"Lissie, you needn't trouble yourself." Nan said.

Felicity shrugged. "What else shall I do? Samuel and Ingrid are resting, Ben is unpacking his things, William and Father are at the store and insisted I not stay…Mother is-, well, I don't actually know where Mother is. And I've not seen Polly yet, how much time does she spend with Miss Manderly?"

"You are a guest here. Mother insisted on it." Nan said, as if she had not heard a word of what Felicity just said.

"And I insist on actually doing something productive." Felicity found the first problem area, a hem that was coming undone. That was easy enough to fix.

Nan gave a short laugh. "I do remember all of the countless times in which Mother had to threaten you to attend to the mending. Now you will not be dissuaded? I find it difficult to believe that you have nothing at all to do."

"Well, I suppose I could work on my writing." Felicity said, now thinking about her blank second manuscript.

"Hm." Nan simply said, not looking up from her work.

"I'm completely starting over with my second manuscript. I'm contracted to complete it, but my editor has given me his full permission and recommendation to start anew. I had actually finished a second one, but it was just not good at all. I need to write something that is more than good, something that will thrill my readers, really make them feel." Why did the presence of her little sister bring out her more boastful nature?

"Indeed." Nan said.

"Oh, what until you hear this! My first manuscript will be put into a thousand copies, and distributed around Virginia and the Carolinas! Isn't that magnificent?" Her voice was now tinged with a bit of frustration, and she hoped that Nan couldn't detect it.

There was a moment's pause and Felicity was afraid that Nan was completely ignoring her outright. But finally, she spoke. "What wonderful news, Lissie. Have you told Mother and Father?"

"I haven't." Felicity said, "you are the only one I've told, well, besides the Davidsons." _'Tis a reason for that, for sure!_

Nan gave her a smile, but it didn't quite reach her eyes. "So you've fully embraced Mr. and Mrs. Davidson as your new family now?"

The nuance was clear, and Felicity attempted to field it off. "I was fully encouraged by Ben's sister Anna to write, so of course she was the first person that I told. Mr. and Mrs. Davidson and of course-, er, were present at the time." A feeling of panic formed in her chest as she realized how close she was to revealing that Ben was also present at this conversation. To Nan's knowledge, Ben was never in Philadelphia. _I must take more care when I speak!_

Her stutter did not go unnoticed. "Of course what?" Nan asked, not looking up from her sewing.

"I was going to say that Anna's husband William was also there but he is not a Davidson." Felicity lied easily.

"Hm." Nan said. She looked up, and gave Felicity another smile. "I really do admire your courage, Lissie. A thousand strangers reading your book! I would be so nervous, I don't know how I could bear it."

In the back of her mind, Felicity knew that she did carry a bit of nervousness. But she wasn't going to let Nan see it. "From the very beginning I swore to myself that I wouldn't let nerves get in the way," she explained to Nan. "They would just block me from achieving great things!"

"Hm," Nan uttered once again in that same, plaintive tone that was starting to irritate Felicity. "My counterpoint would be to mention that our nerves do a great service to ourselves. We want to make sure that we are making the best decisions, and of course, we wish to make sure that we are not presenting an impulsive or foolhardy face to the public!" She gave a short laugh, "I mean, think about it! You are but an unmarried eighteen year-old girl! Are you not afraid that the public might see that when they read your novel?

Felicity's hands instinctively froze, and she blew a breath out of her nose to calm herself. Nan was goading her, and she would not succeed. "It very well may be that my novel is not well received," she said airily. "And if this happens, I will take comfort in the fact that much of the criticism that I receive will likely be from people who have never created anything!"

"Aye." Nan grinned. "And you will be lucky that you have Ben and his financial stability to fall back upon. I really am proud of you, Lissie. I hope that you don't forget that."

Felicity heard Nan's patronizing tone, and felt it was best to not acknowledge it. The two of them sat in silence for a moment before she spoke up again. "Well, I suppose I ought to pay Elizabeth a visit. 'Tis regretfully late in the day, but tomorrow for sure." She grinned to herself, remembering how Elizabeth had so much desired to renew their friendship and was excited to see her old friend once again, to fully embrace the changes that the two of them had gone through.

Now it was Nan that froze, her eyes going wide. "Oh, I completely forgot! I was to give you something post-haste!" She stuck her needle into the cushion, and tossed her sewing aside before dashing up the stairs as quickly as her skirts would allow.

Felicity watched her go up, confused as to what it could be. She didn't need to wait for long, as Nan returned rather quickly to thrust a folded-up piece of paper into her hands. She looked at Felicity with reproachful eyes as she did this.

Felicity unfolded the letter, and began to read.

 _April 12th, 1783_

 _My Dear Lissie,_

 _I am so happy that you desire to see me again; I take heart that you see me as a true friend just as I see you. But I do have one regret to speak of, and it is that Joseph, my dear husband, does not wish us to meet and to speak together. He says that he fears your influence over me and our respectful standing in this town and I countered that I am to have his child so what could you possibly influence me to do? He will not be swayed, even with my arguments!_

 _I will say again and again to the end of time that I deeply regret this, but I also know that he is my husband and as his wife, I must submit to his wishes. I know that his banishment of you will not stand forever, and there will be a time that we may see each other again. I will do my best to convince him that our friendship must stand, but in the name of peace within my household, I will not plead with him further at this time. It is also for this reason of peace that I beseech you not to seek him out to argue on our behalf. It would do more harm than good, please trust me!_

 _I offer my sincerest congratulations on your engagement with Ben, and I dare say that I expected years ago that this would come. I also want to wish you the happiest of birthdays, and hope that you eat a ton of spice cake for me!_

 _With lots of love,_

 _Elizabeth Stevens_

 _P.S.: I know that this is asking a lot, but I do wish for you to continue to writing letters to me. If you are not too angry over this, would you please send them on to Annabelle? She will make sure to get them to me._

"What the devil is this? _What right does he have?"_ Felicity skimmed the letter over and over again as fury rose in her chest. "Telling Elizabeth who she can and cannot speak to? We have been friends since we were children! _He has no right!"_ She was openly shouting now, flinging aside the letter as Nan pleaded with her to calm down.

The red fury that clouded her vision abetted a little by the sound of the front door, closing behind her youngest sister, Polly. Her anger dissipated at the sight of the girl, and she held out her arms with a smile. "Polly!"

But Polly did not run to embrace her, and instead she leaned against the door. "You have decided to come back." She crossed her arms at her chest, a slight narrowing of her eyes.

Felicity's fury returned, fueled the coldness of her mother, her sister's condescending ways, her father's dismissiveness, the perceived captivity of her best friend, and now the anger of her little sister. "What, you too?"

Polly's eyes widened a little in shock, but she held her ground and returned Felicity's glare just for a moment before dashing up the stairs.

Felicity snatched the letter up again and marched out of the Merriman's home in search of Ben.

…..


End file.
